Healing from Parentification: When the “Gifted Child” Grows Up

Some kids learn early on that the way to be loved is to be useful. They take on the emotional or practical care of their parents in a process known as parentification, and today Dr. Rick and Forrest explore the costs of being a “gifted child.”

They discuss the “bargain” these kids make: suppressing their authentic self in order to fulfill a role and earn love. Over time, this bargain can harden into a false self that makes it difficult for the person to connect with their true wants and needs. They then walk through four tracks that allow us to reclaim authenticity: becoming visible to yourself, building a coherent narrative, reconnecting with what you gave up, and renegotiating relationships. Topics include the paired extremes of grandiosity and depression, why so many capable adults go blank when asked what they actually want, and why understanding a pattern isn't the same as changing it.

This episode is heavily influenced by psychologist Alice Miller’s classic book The Drama of the Gifted Child.

Key Topics:

0:00: Intro: what is parentification?

9:18: Examining your own childhood

13:18: Grandiosity and Depression

18:37: Peer-entification, self-narratives, and adult relationships

23:29: Emotional insight and grief

27:09: Tracks to healing

35:10: Track 1: Becoming more visible to yourself

39:26: Track 2: Building a coherent narrative

45:21: Track 3: Reparenting

50:49: Track 4: Building a new bargain

1:05:26: Recap

Support the Podcast: We're on Patreon! If you'd like to support the podcast, follow this link. (patreon.com/beingwellpodcast)

Take our audience survey: rickhanson.com/survey

Sponsors

Level up your bedding with Quince. Go to Quince.com/BEINGWELL (quince.com/BEINGWELL) for free shipping on your order and three hundred and sixty-five -day returns.

Sign up for a one-dollar-per-month trial period at shopify.com/beingwell.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices