How to Prep for Back to School Without the Chaos

0:00 There's only two things I use incentive with on a regular basis.

0:02 One is potty training and one is school morning routine. Especially if you have a two, three, four-year-old and you're doing this for the first time, I'm sure it can be really hard as a parent.

0:11 The biggest mistake that parents make whenever they're dropping their baby or child off at kindergarten or daycare or school or whatever is they drag out the goodbye.

0:19 How do we address the biting and other issues at daycare when it rarely happens at home?

0:23 Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.

0:29 And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.

0:41 Okay, sugar pants, what are we talking about today? Today is all about back to school preparation. Ooh, there's a whole bunch of people uh in different states across the the US right now. Their kids are going back to school real soon. Yep. So in Canada here, I think they go back in the after the Labor Day weekend.

0:58 So the f after the first weekend in September, they all go back. I think all across Canada. But in the United States, it's all different. It's scattered. Some of them are going back like next week. I know. I had to Google it and I was like, huh, okay, interesting. Yeah, we're a little bit late, late coming in on this then.

1:13 Sorry, we're on Canadian time.

1:14 Yeah, that's right.

1:15 Um, but I have five different main topics I want to touch on. And it's just about how to prep for back to school in general. And I'm also thinking this could apply for daycare for some kids.

1:26 Yeah, anything where they have to go out and they have rules and boundaries and stuff they have to get done when they're out, you know, out at school or daycare or anything.

1:33 Yeah. Okay. So I think the first one, and this is a this is a toughie for a lot of parents, is those morning routines.

1:39 Okay. What I strongly suggest you do is don't just start on the Monday morning, they start school or whatever. You start like a week before and you ease them into it. Get them to bed earlier, get them up, get them dressed, get them, have them have breakfast so that you're slowly like every day it might be 10 minutes earlier if they're not already up early.

1:55 Most young children are up early anyway. Um, but yeah, just start that that earlier. And also here's the school morning routine. Do you want me to go through the whole morning routine how I do it? That could be helpful. Okay, there's only two things that I use incentive with, or I don't like the word bribery, but it sort of is in a way, but it's more they're they're doing it for themselves.

2:13 Okay, that's the way I look at it. They're working towards a goal. Anyway, um, so there's only two things I use incentive with on a regular basis. One is potty training and one is school morning routine. I consider school morning almost like a bodily function. They're their bodies and their brains don't always wake up easily.

2:29 So they have to fight that, you know, the waking up, getting out of bed, getting themselves going. So that's why I use incentive. This is just generally how it goes. And then I'll tell a funny story. I don't know if I've told this story about your brother starting school. I think you have. Okay, it's worth repeating.

2:44 It's so cute. Anyway, so this is what I uh oh, I told my son this. I said, I'll tell you what, if you get up and you're all ready uh for school, then you get um to play on the computer once you're all ready. I just sort of set it loosely like that because he was an easy little boy and he was he was five years old.

2:59 He was going to be starting grade one. So I said that. I said, I want you to get dressed, brush your teeth, eat your breakfast, not all in that order, have your bag packed, have your uniform on, your bags by the front door, you're all ready to go. Then you can play on the pewter, okay? So and the pood, that was what you called it, the pooter.

3:16 Anyway, then you can play on computer games. So, anyway, and that's basically how it goes. You have a uh, I'll get into this in a minute. I'm just telling you the story first. So, anyway, it's like school morning, the very first school, grade one, and it was, I don't remember, two or three in the morning, and I hear, I wake up and I hear beep, beep, beep, beep.

3:35 I open my eyes and the hallway was lit like this green light, because back in the day all we had was computers and it was like a green light. So I'm, oh my God, what's going on? I thought someone's broken into the house and they're playing on the computer. So I go out of my bedroom. It's at the and at the very other end of the hallway is the computer room.

3:55 So it's all lit up. But as I'm walking down the hallway, I smell toothpaste, the school bag is by the front door, I can smell that cereal has been eaten. And I go down, I look in the room, and my son sees me. He heard me coming down the hall, the flip-flop. They always remember the flip-flop of my slippers.

4:13 Anyway, they heard me, he heard me coming. He's sitting there as happy as anything. He has his whole school uniform on, his hat on. He goes, Look, Mum, I'm all ready for school. I could play on the pooder. So cute. And I hadn't thought to tell him. Actually, there's a time limit. And you know, but anyway, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

4:32 He was so proud. I had to get him out of his uniform, get him back to bed. But I was congratulating him on doing a good job. But then I say, Well, mommy messed up. I forgot to tell you. You get up at seven. If you're ready by 7:45, then you can have 10 minutes of computer games. And then in the last five minutes, then we're out the door by eight.

4:51 So that's how it goes. You have a whole list, you write it all out. Uh, if they're little and they can't read yet, just draw pictures, have a checklist for everything they have to do, have it in the bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen and nearby the front door, wherever they have to do a chore for the morning, have it written, have it, you know, somewhere in that room.

5:08 And then they can check it off. And then if they're ready by 7:45 or whatever time is 15 minutes before you have to leave, they get 10 minutes on the iPad, the TV, whatever. That's how it goes. Now, if they put up a stink getting off of it when the 10-minute alarm goes, because you're going to be setting an alarm, and what if they put up a stink getting off it the next day they only get five minutes?

5:28 You never take it away completely because then you've got no leverage. Now, this isn't forever. They might not even care to go on the computer or whatever after a while or watch the TV after a while. It's just to get the ball rolling. You use incentive. There's lots of other methods to do this. That's my favorite.

5:42 Hugely successful with a lot of my clients. So it's my number one school morning routine method.

5:47 He was just like, This is fantastic. I get to go to school and do like five hours of computer games.

5:51 Yeah, he's thinking I can be on there for five hours. That was what he was like. He never really broke rules, but he would he always found he found a way to make them work for him. But isn't that he was so proud of himself. I thought that was adorable.

6:05 Okay, I think we'll get into the next topic, and that is about the separation anxiety of going to first day of school.

6:11 Okay. The biggest mistake that parents make whenever they're dropping their baby or child off at kindergarten or daycare or school or whatever is they make is they dry drag out the goodbye. It makes it look more dramatic and sad. And also a lot of parents do a lot of comforting and hugging. Then what you're doing to your kid is they're starting to think, this is traumatic.

6:31 I should be crying. Okay, but if you make it upbeat and quick, just and you've already hugged them at home. Let's say, okay, you're gonna have lots of fun, give them all the love and at home. But once you get to school, you can give one quick hug and say, love you, have fun, and then you say, See you later.

6:45 Okay, that real upbeat hook at the end. And then just walk out. Teachers will and daycare workers will thank me for telling you this. Do not drag it out because then they get they cry for longer after you've left. So make it as quick as possible. Usually they adjust within three weeks. Okay, that's the time you can kind of expect them to adjust.

7:03 Also, when you go to pick them up, don't make that a huge deal either, okay? Oh, my missed you. I'm, you know, don't do that. Just say, oh, did you have fun today? They'll often cry when they see you too, or they're often skip and they're all excited. It doesn't matter. But yeah, don't make the goodbye or the hello a huge emotional deal because you don't want to bring on a lot of big emotions, right?

7:24 I made the big mistake of um, I made the hello huge. Like I couldn't wait to see my kids after that first day, especially. So I did, but they weren't, they didn't have separation anxiety because they'd already done done gym daycare and then they went into Kindi preschool and then grade one. So they were used to it.

7:39 I struggled more than they did. Um, but I remember dropping my kids off their very first day of grade one, which is a real benchmark in your life, right? I thought, oh, that's it. They're all grown up now. It was I found it quite traumatizing. So I did dump them off in the way I suggest you do it very quickly.

7:53 Then I went and sat in the car in the parking lot and cried like a baby. And then I looked beside me, there was another mom sitting there crying. So I found it more traumatic than my kids did. They were thrilled to get rid of me.

8:04 I love that. I found it quite traumatizing when I dumped them off.

8:09 Well, I call it the dump and run. That's why I said that.

8:11 Yeah, just a dump and run quickly and real cheery. See you later. Yeah. But I think that it's also important to say is like you also went through that with me with daycare. And like I definitely was a little bit more of like I glomped onto you a little bit.

8:22 It was actually harder with her because she was my last kid. So with my son, I she was in when he started grade one, she was a newborn. And so I was just I had another kid at home. It was way easier. But when I dropped her off, I went home alone. Like I was a stay-at-home mom. I went, it was hard. That was harder.

8:40 And she was very glommy with me. She was a magnet with me. So she was more upset for sure. But her chin just quivered. She didn't cry. Her chin just quivered though.

8:48 I just know that a lot of parents were listening, and especially if you have a two, three, four-year-old and you're doing this for the first time, I'm sure it can be really hard as a parent. And you're like, well, is this, are they gonna remember this for the rest of their lives? I just want to say this is an end of one thing, but I I feel loved by my mom.

9:05 I didn't feel like she loved me any less for doing the dump and run.

9:08 You probably don't even remember it. And um, but yeah, it I think it's important not to put a lot of emotions into it because then that sort of sets them off. Remember, they're watching you all the time. And um also I had a lot of structure and routines at home. So falling into that at school was very easy for my kids because they were used to it.

9:26 They were used to rules, structure, routines, habits at home, right? So it was very easy for them to just listen to the teacher. Whereas a lot of kids who maybe have more freedom, they, you know, they can eat whenever they want, they don't have to put their toys away, stuff like that. They often struggle a lot more because there's a lot more stuff that they've never had to do at home.

9:44 So my kids were like, yeah, I have to do that, I have to clean up after myself at home too. So they didn't think anything of it.

9:50 I think also one more thing to note, just with the quote unquote dump on run, is you often talk about the idea if they're on the low road and they're getting worked up or emotional. It's like, who's there to bring you up if you're also getting worked up?

10:03 Yeah, like I uh I would have said to them if if they were getting really upset, I would have said, you'll be all right. It's okay, you know. My mom had that tone too. That settled my kids down. I just say, You're all right. It's okay. I'll see you after school. And we're gonna go. And then I would talk about what we're gonna do after school, right?

10:20 So yeah, I had that tone. My dad uh was useless at that stuff. He was a sweetheart, very sensitive. And I remember if I got upset, he he went right down with me. It was a disaster. I'd get upset, no, I don't want you to go. Okay, maybe if daddy stayed here, we yes, daddy's dear. My mom would have come in and said, She'll be all right, Phil, let's go.

10:41 I would have calmed right down. My mom had that calming effect on me. She she always made me feel safe and secure because she had that, it's all right, you'll survive. We'll see you later. So, yeah, that's the tone you want to have.

10:53 And I do remember I was just a gymnastics coach for little kids, but often, you know, the first day was really hard for them, but within a couple of minutes, they were jumping around having a great time.

11:03 Yeah, and the parents out feeling guilty, thinking that they're crying the whole time. They're not. They just do it as soon as you're out the door, they're like, okay, let's have fun. They know that's not always the way, but sometimes they do it to show you, like for a show for you, but they're often fine anyway.

11:25 Okay, the next one is all about the homework battles and just the after-school decompression.

11:31 Okay, I this is my personal view, and you can do what works for your family because this is not a black and white issue to me. A lot is, but with behavior, it usually is. But this is just a system or a routine. So it's more gray. You do what works for you. For me, I felt very strongly that when kids have been sitting at a desk all day, they've had some time to run around in that.

11:49 But basically, they've had to follow, follow rules, all the school rules, all day long, do a bunch of work. When they came home, it was fun. We'd go out in the bike path, we'd go maybe to a pool before we, oh, we had one in the backyard, but before that, we'd go somewhere or, you know, whatever. I thought that should be fun time.

12:05 That's the decompression. And then usually they would do homework. I think it was usually after dinner, I think, because we'd played pretty hard before like after school. And then they also had activities and that we had to get to. But then I think it was right after dinner. That's when I'd say, okay, homework time, then you can watch TV, or then you can, so then they could go on a screen for a while after that, usually.

12:27 But they never had a pro. I had no memory of them of telling them to do homework. They just, I'd just say, well, a good time to do homework would be after after dinner. And they just kind of did it. So, but I was already a leader, okay. But if you're setting yourself up as a leader, you want to write it down somewhere.

12:42 Say, okay, here's our schedule. After school, it's free time. You can put you can use calendar blocks or like uh timer, you know, daytime blocks or whatever. So you say, okay, between three and five, that is free time. We're just gonna go out and play. You can do this or that. So then you say, and then dinner is that block, and then after dinner is the one-hour homework block or the half-hour homework block.

13:02 You can write it all out and stick to it like glue, though.

13:05 Okay, the fourth one is a little trickier and it's all about navigating teachers and maybe you don't get a teacher that you agree with.

13:13 Well, I I I like this one. Um well, one thing I said to when my kids both started grade one, I said to the teachers at the time, I said, Look, if my kids ever step a toe out of line, I said, don't ever discipline them. That's my job. I'll I'll handle that. Teachers love me, the kids were great, but I was already a leader.

13:30 I didn't want someone else messing up my kids. Plus, I didn't want the teacher to have to do that. That's my job. My job is to send nice kids to school, okay? So that's what I said. I said that. I said, look, that's my their behavior is my job. I'll fix it if there's ever an issue. Which there never was.

13:45 I was lucky, but I was a leader, right? So now, if you don't like the teacher, too bad. Your kids are gonna have good teachers, bad teachers, good bosses, bad bosses, good in-laws, bad in-laws. They have to learn how to deal with good people and people who aren't so good. That's just part of life. They both have had bad teachers.

14:04 I won't say what grade, but they both had a bad teacher. No one liked these teachers. They shouldn't have been teaching. And I was almost kind of glad that they got them because it's a really good lesson in life. Yeah, sometimes life's gonna be unfair. These are teachers who maybe were unfair at times or maybe would blow, you know, like blow up over silly little things with some kid in the classroom.

14:24 So, and it would scare my kids if they saw the teacher yelling. So, because they'd never heard, they'd never been yelled at. So I said, that's life, kiddo. That's life. But I always used to tell my kids when you come home, life will be wonderful. We've got a loving family here, we have a lot of fun. Uh, you know, you can tell me anything.

14:40 But when you go out in the world, it can be a war zone out there. You're gonna have to learn how to deal with it. Okay. I also told them how to deal with bullies before it ever happened. Neither of them were ever bullied. Uh, bullying is ongoing.

14:51 I'm sure everyone Well, mom, now you're taking number five. Sorry. We'll get into bullying.

14:57 Four out anyway. So, yeah, I I felt that it was good for them to have some adversity in life because when they came home, it was fun, it was safe, we had a blast. So, but then when they and that's what made it easy. If you don't have a fun home life, fun is their love language. If you don't have a fun home life, the difficult teachers are a lot harder to take.

15:16 Okay. My kids had a lot of balance, they had a lot of fun and and sort of joy in their life. So it was easier to deal with something negative.

15:23 I remember that, especially. I I wasn't really a child to really get in like big trouble at school. And I got detention with this one teacher, and I remember being so upset. But I remember coming home complaining to you, saying that I didn't think it was fair. And you said, What a great lesson for life.

15:40 You're gonna deal with this a lot.

15:41 I knew exactly what had happened because the same thing had happened to another mum's kid. This teacher just this was the bad teacher, right? Just decided that's it, you're gonna go. I guess she'd looked at her the wrong way or something. I don't remember what it was, but yeah, she hadn't done anything naughty.

15:55 She knew it. That's why she was upset. She goes, Mom, I didn't do anything. And I said, Yeah, I'm sure you didn't, but anyway. So yeah, and I didn't bother me. I said, Yeah, good luck. The only time I ever interfered, I won't go into it, but it was once with you, and it was uh some other teacher who had come in and said something inappropriate.

16:11 I told the vice principal that person was actually let go, um, and it was inappropriate, and you were you were little too. And then my son, uh, something happened with him, and a teacher did something that was really weird. And I went in there, I didn't even mention it to the teacher, I just introduced myself.

16:28 She knew who I was because I was a teen behavioral mentor at that high school. So she knew, and when she saw me coming and realized that was my son, she thought, uh-oh. I never said a word to her about what she'd done. But I let it be known that I know. I just walked in, so I just want to introduce myself.

16:44 That was all it took. She treated my son very fairly after that. So, but that was the only two times. And both times, and I always said to my kids, don't ever ask me to interfere unless you really, really want me to take to, you know, do something. They never did. It was only those two times they ever asked me to do something about it, and appropriately so.

17:01 Um, but if they just said I didn't like the way they talked to me, I would have said, Well, too bad. But these two things were needed to be addressed.

17:08 Yeah, it was the it's like you knew the lever that you were pulling if you told mom that you wanted it handled because she would handle it.

17:14 Oh, I'd go in there in a shot. But even then, I was very careful, you know. I'm not gonna go in angry or anything. But yeah, when that teacher saw me coming, that high school teacher saw me coming. I'm not sure, but I think she might have peed her pants a little because she knew what she'd done. And then she realized that I was the mom.

17:30 And she do you want to hear something funny? Is after I got detention, I felt a little tougher for that week. I was like chewing gum, you know. I was like, really?

17:39 She was such a sweet little girl.

17:41 I was like, I guess I'm a different woman.

17:43 It made her feel like she was one of the tougher kids, and she wasn't at all. So it was quite funny.

17:48 Uh okay. Well, that was it for just like the main things to touch on. Is there anything else you want to touch on before we get into a couple parenting questions? Well, you said we were gonna do the bullying. Oh, yeah.

17:57 You did actually said that, and then you didn't even bring it up.

18:00 You mentioned it and I swept on over.

18:03 That's okay. That's a big one, actually. Um, I like to arm my kids with information before they ever come up against anything. So uh one of the things I discussed with them was bullying. And I said, here's how you handle bullies. And I'll quickly tell you my story. I was in grade two. I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of class, which had never happened before.

18:19 And um, so I was in the hallway all by myself coming back from the bathroom. And darn, if the exact same time the school bully was coming out of the principal's office, of course, he was grade five, huge kid. We all knew he was scary. And I had to get past him to get back to my class. I was sweating.

18:35 I thought, oh no, I was terrified. Anyway, he came right up in my face. My maiden name was Hanky. He came right up in my face and he said, Hanky Panky. And I said, I prefer snot rag and boogie bundle. Oh well, gotta get back to class. He looked stunned. He never came near me again. So what I had done, I just instinctively did it.

18:54 By the way, I was raised with a lot of humor, so I was ready with these snot rag and boogie bundle. We made a lot of fun of our name. Anyway, um, so what I'd done was I I agreed with him. I also used humor. That's those three steps. I agreed with him. I also used humor, which is step number two, if possible.

19:10 Uh, that's not always possible. A lot of kids can't always come up with something funny, but if they can, it's even better. Then the third step is give them an out. Because I said, Gotta get back to class. If you just say, oh, well, I prefer snot rag and boogie bundle, then he would have come at me again.

19:23 He would have been under pressure to come at me with something better, right? So, anyway, that that I taught my kids. Now, the re the way I taught them this was we did role-playing. So I would play them and they would play the bully, then we'd go back and forth, back and forth. So by the time a kid ever said anything mean to one of my kids, they were armed.

19:39 They would just come back with something funny and then change the subject. So they were never bullied.

19:43 Okay. And of course, I'm sure that there are exceptions with bullying because Okay, if it's physical and it's ongoing, that's an adult.

19:49 You never teach a child to defend themselves physically. I mean, that's up to you, you know, if you want to do that, but I never recommend that. The reason is not all bullies are cowards. Some bullies are very practiced and good fighters. Okay. So I would never, if it's physical bullying, that's up to an adult.

20:05 The teacher, the principal, the vice principal, you. It's up to adults to take care of physical bullying. I never teach a kid how to defend themselves. Like I said, a lot of bullies are good fighters.

20:14 But of course, you know, a medical practitioner, I just want to like I know.

20:17 I I mean, I'm just, this is just now, I'm self-taught. Kids have taught me, well, I'm not self-taught, I'm kidding. Kids and teenagers have taught me everything I know. And I started doing this virtually, I haven't changed my style with kids since I was 11. I was volunteering in daycare centers and I was also babysitting, starting at 11 years old.

20:33 I just always got kids. I just get it. So yeah, now I I I'm just teaching you this through all my experience with kids. But in schools, they have different policies, so you've got to follow their bullying policy. Some of them want all bullying reported, some of them don't. They have boundaries on what they want reported, what they don't.

20:50 So yeah, but basically, there's nothing wrong with teaching your kids how to disarm a bully by using humor. Okay, nothing wrong with that. But never tease the bully ever, ever, ever, ever. Don't come back with something clever to them. Like that kid that said hanky panky, he was a very large boy. I could have said something back to him, which is what all the other kids had a horrible nickname for him, which is probably why he was a bully.

21:12 He was always picked on because he was big, right? So, but I never did you. If you you come back at something trying to be clever, get back at them, good luck. That'll never work. Okay, so I disarmed him by using humor. And then you're just fighting fire with fire. Yeah, you know, that's that right fighting thing I talk about.

21:28 You can be a right fighter or you can be happy. You know, I'm pretty good with comebacks, and I I used to be proud of that because I am. You know how you think later on, I wish I'd said this or that. I would say it. I'm pretty quick with coming up with stuff. It's not a likable quality. I don't do it anymore.

21:42 I just go silent. If someone says something snotty to me, I just let it go. There's no point. Um, yeah. So you can be a right fighter or you can be happy. But yeah, try to disarm the bully by minimizing the effect it has on you. Try to show it doesn't bother you at all by agreeing with the bully and then using humor and then giving them an out.

21:59 Or be my brother when I was in grade one and he was in grade six. I think we'll tell that quick story before we get into the questions.

22:05 Oh cute. Uh, he would ignore her at the top. Gate. She was in grade one. They're five years apart. He was in grade six. And he would completely ignore her at the top gate because he's too cool. He's with his friends, right? And she's just little, she's standing all by herself at the top gate. It was so cute.

22:19 So I drive up, and then they had a story to tell me. The school bully was supposed to be supervised all the time. Like the mother was either there or they had a helper. He was a violent little boy. He was, I think he was a grade. Oh, my brother, my son was in grade six, so he would have been in grade four or five.

22:34 He was a year or two younger, but he was really big. This kid, this is a different bully, not the one I dealt with. But anyway, so he what he was one to go after little kids, but he wasn't supervised at that top gate at pickup time. He was not allowed to be on school grounds unsupervised. The mom was late.

22:48 Anyway, he went over to little Amy here. She was in grade one, sweetest little thing, and he said, I'm gonna kill you. Well, next thing you know, her big brother's in there like a shot, and he was way smaller than this big bully. And he said to this bully, you have to get through me first. Isn't that cute?

23:05 He was protecting his little sister. I didn't even know he knew she was there. He was watching. He was listening. Adorable. So his her little brother, her little big brother, who was way tinier than this bully, went up and the kid just ran away. So that's the coward bully. Most people think bullies are cowards.

23:22 They're not all cowards, by the way. Um, but this one was. He ran away when my son said that.

23:27 Okay, let's get into the parenting questions. Okay, so we have Stephanie from the United States. Daughter will be four in a few months. She's an only child and has attended daycare since before she turned one. She's always been kind of a loner, not really engaging with other kids. Recently she's been picked on by some other children, which teachers do their best to control, but it's escalated to the point that she's coming home with injuries, so bite marks, scratches, and etc.

23:48 When the teacher or I ask her who heard her, she just smiles and focuses on something else. She has a vocabulary and knows the names of other children. This may just be a symptom of a bigger issue. For example, when I ask her what she did at school, what was her favorite activity, she just tells me she played with her friend, name redacted, even when that friend wasn't even attending that day.

24:07 She won't narrate or tell me anything about her day. Any insights would be helpful.

24:11 Okay, role-playing, role playing, role playing. Um, you say, okay, look, we're gonna do some role playing, make it fun, don't make it serious, and say, look, you know, let's talk about what you did and such and such. I'll be, or you be you, and I'll be uh the other kids or whatever. And then you go back and forth, role play.

24:27 You'll get information that way. Okay, you'll get more information that way. And empower her. Do the bullying stuff I just showed you or just talked about, use that too. But show her social skills, how to make more friends. Also get her out. Okay, she's almost four. Get her out involved in other activities away from that group of kids.

24:44 Oftentimes kids will go through school with kids that they just don't gel with, and then they're go, then they go to activities in the same neighborhood, it's all the same kids. And there can be real clicks. It doesn't mean there's not anything wrong with your kid. They just don't click with those kids, right?

24:58 So we all have people that we click with and we don't. School is a very small pool to pull from. So get them involved in activities outside of your district so they meet other kids that will help her build confidence and get do role-playing, teaching her how to make friends. And you make friends by asking them about themselves and showing an interest in what they talk about.

25:16 So yeah, role play, role play, role play, role play. It'll stuff tends to come out when you're role-playing. Also, uh, the best conversation pit is in the car. You're all trapped in there together. Um, you can't go anywhere, and you're not, it's not face-to-face contact, like there's no eye contact. So it's a safer place to talk.

25:33 Um, so yeah, just say, Oh, how was your day today? And just see what she says. If she doesn't say anything, don't don't try and drill her on it, but the role-playing will be more likely to bring stuff up.

25:43 Do you find that family walks as well, same idea? You're just kind of not eye to eye.

25:47 Doesn't work as well because oftentimes you will stop and look at them when they're when they but you don't tend to turn around when you're driving down the freeways. Fair. Yeah. It it can work too, but it's not as good because also it's not as private. The car is very private.

26:02 Okay, we have Melanie from the United States. I have an only child that's four and goes to school. Her and a friend share the same name, and since the beginning, one mentioned a nickname to give my daughter, so there wouldn't be confusion. However, I noticed that they now both called them the same nickname and they'll say the last name as well.

26:17 My daughter's been wanting to be more like her friend and even told me that she wants to be her, which I found odd. I told her she's her own person and used encouraging words. I'm not perfect, and I must admit there may be more connection between my daughter and I. Should we give my daughter a new nickname?

26:31 Is his her self-esteem? That is low. What are your suggestions? Thanks so much.

26:35 I think you're overthinking that one. Uh, all I was getting from that is she's just likes this other kid, wants to be like her. She's only four, okay? It's really hard to find yourself when you're four. That happens more by the time you're seven. Um, that's when that really starts to kick in, a seven and above.

26:51 Uh, but right now it's really hard to find yourself. Maybe she just likes this little girl, she's modeling after her. If the little girl is a really nice little girl that you're happy for her to model after, that I don't see any harm in it personally. I don't. Not right now. Um, I would be more concerned if she was 14, um, but not at four.

27:07 How do you also talk about that leadership umbrella and like not being influenced? Okay.

27:12 Uh, this happens at about three to three and a half. Sometimes I'll say four, but pretty much by four for sure, but usually by three to three and a half. If you're a really strong, calm leader and you're a safe place to land, and I talk a lot, and we were just talking about this earlier. Everyone thinks I'm more lean into the authority.

27:27 I don't. I'm not the authority or the pleaser. I'm nowhere near either one of those. I'm very much a friend and a leader, okay? And kids can tell me everything. I've had my my kids' friends tell me stuff that they haven't told their parents. You know, you want to be a safe place to land, okay? I forgot the question.

27:42 Jeez, I'm going off on a tangent.

27:43 No, I wanted to talk about the calm leadership umbrella.

27:46 Oh, yeah, the umbrella. Okay. So my point is that when you're a really calm leader and you already are from the time they're toddlers, and then they hit about three to three and a half, they carry their identity under your leadership, they carry that umbrella everywhere. I call it the leadership umbrella.

28:01 So it's kind of cemented by the time they're three to three and a half. It's in their self-esteem, their self-worth, and their personality sort of forms under your umbrella. They, that's when their self-esteem is at the highest. They like themselves the most when they're with you. You're a safe place to land.

28:15 They feel great about themselves when they're with you. They tend to carry that umbrella everywhere they go. Uh, you have so much influence over them because you bring out the best in them and you make them feel great. Not obedient soldiers, that's ludicrous. They feel great about themselves, so they make good choices.

28:30 They are not, they do not tend to be bullied or influenced by peers, okay? Because they're under your influence. They'll come home and tell you everything. And they'll they'll run everything by you. Plus, if you're a really good leader, you're not going to tell them what to do. Okay. They, if my kids had come home and said, Oh, she was doing that, I wanted to do that too.

28:48 I'd say, Well, what do you think? Think that's a good thing to do? I got them talking. I wanted them to solve their own problems, figure stuff out on their own. But they told me everything. So we work through everything together. But they wouldn't just come and report to me and then me tell them what to do.

29:01 That's ridiculous. I wanted them to figure it out. They already know right from wrong past the age of about two to two and a half. They just instinctively know right from wrong. Then by the time if they're under your umbrella, they choose right and not wrong. Because they have so much confidence, they feel great about themselves.

29:17 They can't be swayed by other people because they have so much confidence.

29:21 Okay, we have Jessica from the United States. I have uh twin boys who are three and a half. We have a problem of the boys biting, hitting, and not listening or running away from teachers, often at daycare, but rarely at home. It's not always provoked and comes out of nowhere. Sounds like he's not always biting out of anger or aggression.

29:37 How do we address the biting and other issues at daycare when it rarely happens at home?

29:41 Okay, you well, you can have a behavior board and say and you put down no aggressive behavior. And the teacher, don't bother them every single day, but just say, can you just give me, if I see you, can you give me a thumbs up or thumbs down? And then whichever kid it is, have a like right hand for one kid, you know, whatever kid is doing it.

29:57 Because you said then he. You have twin boys, but then you said he. So maybe it's just one of them doing this. But anyway, just have on the behavior board, no aggressive behavior. And then when they come home, say, Oh, teacher said that you had a bad day, you were aggressive today. So let's go to the board, see how I'm talking with a bit of a cheery lilt in my voice.

30:13 No anger, no disappointment, no frustration. Just follow through with the consequence, and that's it. That's how you fix it at home. Because they're three and a half. You can do if they're under that, if they're three or if they're under three, not much you can do. You have to be right there in the moment.

30:27 But by three, you can wait till they come home. Teacher said you had a bad day, means you must have been aggressive. So here's your consequence. Go to the board and then show, you know, follow through.

30:36 Okay, we have one final question. So, Stephanie from Germany, uh, boys aged 19 months and three years old. How to deal with afterday care constant sudden tantrums. Usually everything goes okay, but at one point of them, one of them explodes for a reason. For example, they don't want to take their shoes off.

30:52 It usually makes the other one explode as well, ending with them both wanting mom and a cuddle at the same time, but without the other. Reading a book as well is challenging. They would push and hurt each other to be the one with mama. When papa is there, it's either he isn't complete he is completely ignored or they just want to play with him.

31:08 But as soon as they get me, they'll explode. I find it hard as well when they play outside for a while after daycare, and then we go home and eat. And even if they've had fun, everything was fine, they will explode.

31:17 So you I was gonna say you've got to do something between daycare and home. Sounds like you do anyway, but sounds like you go outside and play. I would stop off at a park, not just go outside. So before you get home, I would stop off somewhere. And then also, just as you're arriving home, have a ritualistic song that you sing.

31:35 And it should be something calm, okay? Make it a song. It could be like um something where they have to include, you know, old McDonald had a farm, then they have to add in, you know, a name, like a something. So something that they're involved in. It switches the brain in a different energy, okay? So yeah, take them somewhere between daycare and home.

31:53 I know it's difficult, but just take them somewhere, let them run off a little bit of steam before you get home, just as you're pulling in the driveway or just down into your street, then start singing this ritualistic, transitional song that helps to calm them down. Also, the reason why they go to mom and not dad oftentimes is mom's more the nurturer.

32:11 And when they come out of school, they often need psychologically, they do want a little bit of nurturing. You and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's all the screaming and tantruming, is what you don't want, right? So part of the nurturing is the song. The song is very nurturing. They love that.

32:24 They know it's just for them, right? So that is the nurturing.

32:27 Was the way we were? Was that the nurturing song?

32:30 Oh, and why'd you have to bring that up?

32:32 My mom had a had a very nurturing song for us.

32:35 Okay, okay. Uh now I, you know, I don't talk a lot about my style because I was, what's the word for me? Goofy. Goofy. God, I was goofy. I still am. I'm the goofy one in the whole family. Anyway, I used to sing the way we were to my kids. And I won't go into all the nuances of it, but I'm not a good singer at all.

32:51 I dragged it out. It was very, very loud, and I was the only one laughing.

32:57 It was a show. It was a performance.

32:58 It was a performance, but I had the kids involved. I won't go into how, but they they were involved. I would stop singing if they weren't saying anything. So they'd go real silent and walk go in their rooms and shut the door, usually. It got to be a game. But as soon as they came out and said anything, I would complete the note I had started before they shut the door.

33:16 So are so beautiful. I'd stop if they shut the door. As soon as they came out, I full and yet. So I would I could wait a half hour. Oh, she was patient. I could wait forever. I knew exactly where I'd ended, so did they. And then they'd come out because they'd forget, right? And they come. I remember my son coming out one day and he went, Oh, jeez, he said, does it never end?

33:37 And I went, Nope. I love that stuff.

33:40 Never ever.

33:40 But it's connecting, even though I was I was annoying for sure, but I was laughing. I thought it was funny. I'm very goofy. Um, but yeah, the kids loved that. How'd that make you feel? Even though I was annoying, how did that make you feel? I don't know. The annoyance just kind of overwhelms, overshadowed anything else.

33:57 Anyway, so yeah, uh ritualistic sort of, and that was a very loving thing I did with my kids. I didn't do that with anyone else. I wasn't like that with anyone else. I was very goofy with my kids, and they knew that. They knew that that was they brought out that side of my personality. And that's very flattering for a kid to see a parent have that much fun with them.

34:14 It's very flattering. That you have to admit that. It was flattering that you knew how much I wallowed in you. I just feel so flattered. Yeah, okay. She's not going to give me anything here. Okay, that's fine. So, was that the last question? That was the final question. Okay, so back to school, get ready uh before they go back to school.

34:30 Don't just attack everything like, okay, today we're doing tomorrow we're doing this when we get up. Slowly ease into it and then do the dump and run. That's a terrible name, but you get the idea. Dump and run, you can go cry in the car like I did. And then when you pick them up, don't make a huge deal out of it, but take them somewhere fun so they've got something to look forward to after school.

34:47 I think that's a great place to end. Excellent. Okay, happy parenting. Back again soon talking about something else. Take care.

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