The Secret to Raising Polite (But Confident) Children

0:00 They don't come out of the womb with manners. That's up to you to teach them these social niceties that we all expect in life, and it's nice to hear. I feel lost, confused, and unsure how to parent in these moments. We all learn through consequences, not through lectures. These mini therapy sessions discussing all the big feelings and big emotions just when they didn't get their own way.

0:16 It's absolute garbage, okay?

0:18 I want my kids to have special toys that they don't need to share, but also share certain ones. I don't know where to draw the line.

0:23 Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name is Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.

0:30 And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what is today's topic? Today we're gonna be talking all about raising polite children.

0:48 Oh, I like this. I like that one.

0:51 I couldn't come up. I was gonna say this or that. Anyway, I like that subject because it's so important and it's often overlooked. You know, people just don't want their kids to be naughty. They're so busy disciplining them all the time that they don't even often have time to teach them manners. So that's a good one to get into.

1:06 I think let's start off with what age do you like to start manners?

1:10 Two.

1:11 Two, and how does that look?

1:12 Just say say please, say thank you, that kind of stuff. So yeah, just stuff like that. It's no big deal. Um, and you know, it doesn't have to be perfect. You're just sort of starting to teach them and they're starting to learn. And also, uh, manners also not grabbing toys off others. So if you take them somewhere and like they're at some play center or something, that they have to wait their turn and they just learn.

1:32 Doesn't matter if they don't like it, that's okay. They gotta learn. We all have to take turns and wait for things in life. The sooner they learn that, the better, and they can start to learn that it too. Doesn't mean they're gonna be good at it yet. I mean, they might be, but they might not be. But it's you're just planting seeds at that age.

1:46 So then what's the expectation? Like, are you going to like because you say you're just planting seeds, so what age are you expecting those seeds to be planted at flourishing?

1:56 By three, they should know.

1:57 And then is that when you would start like let's say you're going to be giving them something and you ask them to say please. If they don't, like how do you approach that?

2:05 Well, they're usually asking for something that they want and they don't need, right? When they ask for something, it's usually something they don't need. So they just don't get it until they say please. And they they're gonna do what they need to do to get what they want. Okay, that's the general idea with this.

2:18 So if it's something they want, it's a lot easier. They will say please. And eventually they'll just learn they get better results with being polite than they do with being rude. That's up to you to teach them that. I used to tell my kids, I used to say, if your good life is good, if your bad life ain't so good, I'll make sure of it because I'm your mom and that's my job.

2:34 In other words, karma. You get back what you put out. If you're polite and nice, then you're gonna get it back. But if you're not, you might not get that toy that you're reaching for that you asked me for. You see? So they just they will eventually learn. And it becomes knee-jerk reaction. They don't, it's not a big thought process.

2:49 There's no big huge thought in the word please. It just becomes a knee-jerk reaction.

2:54 Now, something that I'm sure parents are trying to balance is you want to teach manners, but you also want to have confident kids who aren't pushovers. How do you find that balance?

3:04 That is part of confidence, is the confidence to be able to be nice. I mean, that's self-esteem, pride, self-respect, being nice and being kind and being polite is all part of that. So it does help to build confidence. So yeah, uh though, you know, confidence and self-esteem are two different things.

3:21 So, do we want to talk about confidence or self-esteem?

3:24 Let's discuss both because I'm sure some people are listening right now going, I didn't realize they were different.

3:30 They're very different. Um, self-esteem is how you view yourself and how you um how you feel about yourself. Okay, do you feel you're a good person, you're worthwhile, um, you know, all that kind of stuff, your worthiness, basically. And and are you a good person? That's sort of self-esteem. Confidence is very different.

3:45 A lot of people with very low self-esteem can still get up on a stage and and you know, do a play or something. So, like a lot of performers and actors and singers and comedians, especially comedians, evidently, they're often have very low self-self-esteem and they're really insecure, but they can get up on stage.

4:00 Now that's confidence. Confidence is the ability to throw yourself out in the world. That's that's the difference. But and and then self-esteem is how you feel about yourself. So the more important one is self-esteem, but it's nice to have both.

4:13 And I just think that that I can understand that some parents think that by teaching them to use manners, they might become a pushover.

4:22 How is that? I don't understand that. They're a pushover for saying please and thank you. What would you think?

4:27 Or I think just maybe not manners, but politeness. I think that politeness can sometimes be seen hand in hand with like timidness.

4:34 What you mean is the pleaser. You don't want them to be pleasers. Yeah, I don't think it goes hand in hand with that at all. Um, yeah, but it's just a whole different thing. And they don't think anything of it. It's a knee-jerk reaction. There's not a lot of feelings and emotion that goes into. Can you please pass me that?

4:48 I just see it as no big deal. It's just a little nicety that people like to hear, and it just shows respect for other people, right? But it's not a lot of thought that goes into it. So kids learning how to say please and thank you, I don't think makes them a pleaser or timid. I don't, I don't think so.

5:03 Now, before we get into the questions, do you want to talk about the struggle that you had with your welcome with me? Oh my gosh. Uh, she was a darling little thing.

5:11 She really was. She was such a sweet, easy little girl. But teaching her please and thank you, here's how it went. She was probably about two, if not a little bit younger, probably. And I said, say please. Well, whenever she couldn't say something, she would whisper it and she went, pa. So that was her please was puh.

5:27 So I said, Okay. So now when I gave it to her, then I say, now say thank you. And she'd go, thank you. She would she could say that sort of a little bit better, thank you or whatever. So I said, You're welcome. Then she'd go, welcome. And I said, No, no, you just say thank you. But she was too little to understand that.

5:43 So what I would do. So I would say, so say please. They say, and then I'd give her something, and then I'd say, now say thank you. She go, thank you. Then I'd walk away and I'd go, You're welcome. And she'd go, Welcome. She wanted to make sure I heard her. She thought that that was a really necessary part of it.

6:02 And then she learned eventually. I can see, I can see my thought process there. Yeah, yeah, there was one. And I understand it because here I was telling her what to say. She didn't realize that that stopped. That reminds me of with the Christmas carols. She would learn, I don't know why her brother never did this, but she would learn Christmas carols around Christmas, and then in like May, she'd be singing jingle bells, and I couldn't get it across to her.

6:25 It stops after Christmas. Can you imagine how confusing that is for a kid? They spend all that time learning all these tunes, all these Christmas carols, and then they say, Nope, stop, don't forget it. Just don't even sing it again. It was very confusing for her. She could not understand why you can't sing jingle bells in June or July.

6:42 It's a hard one to figure out.

6:44 And she was bright.

6:46unknown Okay.

6:47 She really was. She was just cute. She was very literal. That's what she was.

6:51 Very literal. I just took everything at face value. That's right. It was cute. Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Sounds good. So the first one is Amalia from Germany. You've spoken brilliantly on how forcing a child to say sorry is often useless because it's just an empty word, and that focusing on taking actions and making amends is much better.

7:09 I completely agree. But in a recent episode, you advocated teaching a two-year-old to say thank you by implementing consequences, like taking their gift away if they refuse. This confused me. To me, forcing a two-year-old to say thank you under a threat of a consequence is exactly like saying an empty sorry.

7:25 At that age, they're just imitating a word on demand to avoid punishment rather than genuinely feeling empathy or gratitude. It makes the gift feel highly conditional, and perhaps there are reasons they didn't say thank you. For example, they might be shy. Why do you handle thank you with such strict rules and consequences rather than treating it like an apology or simply modeling the behavior yourself until they're old enough to genuinely feel gratitude?

7:47 I'd love to hear your thoughts on this distinction.

7:49 Such a good question. And I might get you to say it again because I had point after point after point to prove where I'm where I'm going with this, okay? So the word sorry, I always say I don't care about that, but people like people expect these things. It's part of social culture that you say please, thank you, you're welcome.

8:05 It's just part of social culture. There doesn't need to be a lot of feelings behind it, okay? Like if someone holds a door for me and I might be listening to a podcast, I always say thank you, but I'm not really thinking, oh my God, I'm so grateful for that. There's not, it doesn't need to have a lot of feelings behind it, okay?

8:20 And what was the other one about the, oh, the holding back the gift? I I'm not punishing them. They're just not getting it until they do what needs to be done. And I do believe that when you're giving a child something, I do want them to at least express gratitude. I think that's just part of social culture.

8:36 I've actually known adults who don't say thank you. I've given them things like gifts, and they literally will just look at it and they go, oh, that's okay. And they don't even say thank you. It's horrendous. That's why I wouldn't want my kids to grow up and act like that. I think that's horrible, to be honest.

8:49 So you see, it's just part of social culture, what's expected. And even though I don't care about the words, I'm sorry, and then I think when someone's apologizing, I do believe there should be some feelings behind that. That's why saying please and thank you, not as much, okay? But I do believe that there should be feelings.

9:04 If you've done someone wrong, I do I do want a little bit of remorse behind it. That's why the amends never, there's four steps to an apology. You say you're sorry just to get the ball rolling, and then you say it was all my fault, then you make amends. What can I do to make it up to you? Then you stop committing that same crime over and over and over again because none of that meant anything.

9:20 So they're kind of different things. There's no way I'd give an a gift is a necessary is not a necessary thing. It's an extra. There's no way I would want my child to receive a gift without saying thank you. I'm just holding on to it till they say thank you. There's no way I would give a kid a gift without them saying thank you.

9:35 No way. It's a social culture thing. Because I hate it when I've given gifts to adults and they don't say thank you. That's how they were raised. They weren't told to say thank you growing up, so they don't see it as necessary. I do. Do you? Do you think that's do you like to hear thank you if you give someone a gift?

9:51 Now, some people don't say it.

9:53 And you know, that's that's up to them, but it bothers me. I do. But and I'm really glad that you touched on the idea that you think that there should be feelings behind the sorry. Because I was going to ask, isn't sorry just a part of social culture as well?

10:04 Not at all. There's got to be more to it. Yep. That's something. If you've done someone wrong, that's why you're saying sorry in the first place. You've done something wrong to someone. I want you to feel some remorse. Yes, I do. Yep. I'm I'm teaching feelings with that one. And it's the consequences which teach the feelings, right?

10:23 You do a wrong, you have a consequence, and then eventually they'll learn. Also, then they'll start to understand. And by the way, that's it, that kind of goes into empathy. Children don't have empathy till they hit about three years and nine months. Let me correct myself. Doesn't mean they're going to have empathy, but it means they have the ability to learn how to have empathy.

10:41 It means they finally understand that, you know what? I'm not the only one who likes to play. I'm not the only one who has feelings. They start to understand that other people are just like them. Oh, other people cry, other people feel sad. It's not a that they're selfish before that. They're just forming.

10:57 They really think that they're just this entity and no one else is like them. They just see everything from their own eyes. They start to see things through other people's eyes, or they have the ability to learn to do so. And I think that I I'm sorry is part of that empathy going through those four steps is part of the empathy.

11:13 Do you think, though, that you should be like, how do you teach true gratitude then?

11:17 Gratitude is something that you hold back, you don't spoil them. Okay. Like I always said to my kids, if you ever ask for anything, you get nothing. Because that's not a treat. That's me feeling a demand. Okay. And I didn't hand out treats very often, but when I did, it was they never asked for it ever.

11:32 If we were at the checkout, they were the only kids not grabbing stuff, touching stuff, disgusting. Anyway, and begging and crying. They never said, never said a word, right? So, but the odd time I'd say, ah, get yourself something. And they were say, oh, thanks, mom, thanks, mom. But what we did spoil them with was experiences.

11:49 I don't really think you can spoil a kid with experiences. Like we went to the park a lot, we took them skiing, uh, we went to play centers, we did all the experience stuff, but we never went into a gift shop. We never bought them junk crap. That's when if you buy them too much stuff all the time, they just start to expect it and feel entitled.

12:05 Okay.

12:06 Not that you have opinions, but junk and crap.

12:09 Well, yeah, I know. But you know, I just uh I know I speak in those, you know, extremes. Just because it gets my point across. It's my personality. I can't help that. Well, I probably could, but I don't want to. I'm absolutely incapable of there's no no way in it, not in a million years could I not speak in absolutes.

12:29 Incapable of wanting to change. Exactly. I'm incapable of wanting to be a better person. It's not a better person. I know, but anyway, I do tend to, but I'm very passionate about manners and teaching children empathy and all that stuff. But they learn it from they, if they're spoiled, they tend to not get it.

12:45 The more entitled they feel, the less feelings they have for other people's feelings. Okay. So when you spoil your kids, very hard for them to develop empathy if they feel that everything should come their way all the time. It's very hard to do, teach empathy to spoiled children.

13:00 Okay, we'll get into the next question. So Emily from the United States, my eight-year-old gets possessive over toys that were his that he got when he was younger and typically doesn't play with anymore. But when he's in a mood and his younger siblings, ages three and 18 months want to play with those toys, he says they're his and suddenly wants to play with them.

13:16 I want my kids to have special toys that they don't need to share, but also share certain ones. I don't know where to draw the line.

13:22 Well, you have a big, you have a rule. Say if there's something that you don't want to share, here is your non-sharing shelf. And have him just as just his, no one else can touch it. Everything else is fair game. Everything else. It's fairly typical that they say, I want that, and it's something they haven't wanted, you know, they've never played with for years.

13:39 All of a sudden someone else has it. Say, no, that was fair game. If they grab it, then they get a consequence if they grab it off the other kid.

13:45 Boy, oh boy, I remember that in like kindergarten or grade one is that you'd be like someone didn't want the toy, and then you'd want it, and then all of a sudden they'd want it.

13:54 Well, of course, they want what you have, right? Because you make it look better because all of a sudden you want it. They just haven't even looked at it. But yeah, just say, all this is fair game. It's everybody's, okay? That means they can play with it, you can play with it, but when they're playing with it, you don't touch it.

14:07 Okay, that's theirs while they've got it. Okay, but you've got your own toys, and they already said that they've got their own special stuff, but everything else is just fair game.

14:15 Okay, the next one is Yana from the United States. My child's five years old. When I tell her no, she tells me she wants another mom and tells me to leave the house and has packed up her things a few times to leave. How to best handle this situation? It hurts my mama heart. Well, she's just manipulating you.

14:30 She's just trying to get a reaction and she's winning. If she's and she's only saying that because she's mad she didn't get her own way, I'm assuming, right? So you say no to something that she wants, and then she says, fine, you're I hate you, you're a bad mom, just go whatever and walk away. If she packs up, say, Well, you can pack up your clothes, but you're too young to go out on your own.

14:47 So yeah, let her pack up. And then when she tries to get out the door, say, Well, you're too young to go out on your own, kiddo. But don't say, don't say, Well, I love you and all that stuff, then she would be winning. You're feeding into it. She's just trying to manipulate you. That's all. She's going for the big reaction.

15:00 She's trying to hurt your feelings just because they're they're trying to get that big reaction and hurt feelings are part of that. They'll go for big emotions, whether it's good or bad. And so if you're, if you're looking all hurt and upset, then she's kind of one. She's got a lot of control over you and she knows it.

15:14 Is there anything else that you would because I'm assuming, like, yes, you're approaching it from that perspective, but how else are you approaching your calm leadership with a five-year-old at this age, you're focusing on that connection more?

15:25 No, always the connection. Plus, they don't talk like that when you're a leader. Work on your leadership skills. Um, I I had a client uh a while ago and they said, Oh, she's doing so well, their little daughter. And I said, No, she's not. And the parents look shocked. I said, No, she's not doing well.

15:40 You are. You're leaders, and now she's just following you now. She's learned, right? So the parents have just got it. They're just doing it, they're killing it, right? They're they're leaders now, they get it. So, you know, I always say you take the blame when they're rude or disrespectful, because that's on you, but then you take the credit when they're good.

15:57 Okay, but you want to take the blame because that's how you fix it. If you're not empowering yourself to be able to fix this by taking the blame, taking full responsibility for their attitude, and then then you're not going to be able to fix it. So, like when I was working with kids and if they acted out when I was first getting to know them, I would always think, now these weren't even my kids.

16:14 I saw them for like an hour a week. And as soon as they acted out with under my care, my mentorship, I always thought, what am I missing here? What am I doing wrong? I'm a leader with kids. I take responsibility for their behavior when I'm with them. Okay. So yeah, she's just getting under your skin.

16:29 She knows it. But I'm sure that's difficult to hear in the moment. Um, yes and no. When you've had tons of experience with kids, it wouldn't bother me. Like I've worked with lots of kids who say, Oh, I hate you. You know, when you're for they're just trying to get a something out of you, right? Because I've always worked with difficult kids.

16:45 So and they'll say, Oh, I hate you. And I go, Well, whatever. Anyway, let's get going. And it throws them off because they're used to parent um a mentor or whatever. They're used to someone saying, Oh, well, I like you. Well, why do you hate me? Oh, there's no way I would feed that. I go, oh, whatever.

16:58 Anyway, let's get to work. Does not bother me at all. Because I understand where it's coming from. Can I say something though? I think it might be different if it's your child. Yes, and no, because a lot of people are hurt when someone else's kid says that too. But if my kids, it's I have to use someone else because my kids never said that.

17:13 But if they did, I would just go, whatever. But I, you know, if my kids had said that because I was already a leader, I would have thought, what have I done? Because I was a leader. Once you're a leader, they don't talk like that. I would have taken that seriously with my kids. But if I wasn't a leader and I was becoming a leader and I had lots of experience with kids and I understood all this, if they said that, I thought, okay, I got some work to do.

17:33 It's just a reflection of your parenting. That's all it is. It means you got some work to do. Set yourself up as a leader. They just don't talk like that to a leader. It would be ridiculous. Have you ever had someone that you look up to, like a coach, a teacher, a grandparent, like a mentor, someone that you really look up to that makes you feel good and you treat them like gold.

17:49 That's what this is. There's no way they would say that to you. You wouldn't say that to a real a coach that you just love and that treats you great, makes you feel good, right? By the way, I want to backtrack with that. They love you anyway. It's not a lack of love, but you know what I'm saying. Like mentorship, someone that you look up to that brings out the best in you.

18:06 You just don't disrespect them. You don't. It would make you feel bad. You just feel wrong. She's just trying to get a rise out of you, and it's working. She's winning.

18:23 And as far as tangible tools, because I think that hearing just be a leader, like work on your leadership skills, feels really vague.

18:30 Okay. So uh if you go to my website, bratbusters.com, the training wheels, the free training wheels with all this is the behavior board. It's completely free. It's got two mini courses there, one for three and above and one for toddlers. Okay. So that's the free. And then if you want to step up, that's the courses, the boot camp courses.

18:45 I have one for toddlers, one for older kids. Then if you want more, that would be coaching. I do have a big wait list, but I'll get to that eventually. Okay, and if you just want to listen to a podcast, we've got that also. Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. I've got tons and tons of stuff. Also, if you just want to Google anything, Google Bratbusters and anything after that.

19:02 Bratbusters Manners, Bratbusters Allowance, Bratbusters Tantrums. I've got how many thousands of videos out there? Bratbusters, how to make a spaghetti bowl of eggs. God, no, nothing to do with cooking. Nothing. I hate cooking. If it was cleaning, though, you could probably look up Lisa Bunnage cleaning.

19:19 No, probably not. I don't know. I don't post that. But yeah, I hate cooking. But you know what I'm saying? Parenting, obviously. But yeah, you just Google Bratbusters and then put a topic behind it, and there'll be lots of information there. And a lot of my clients who um who I'm coaching, they'll say that what helps them between sessions is the podcast.

19:35 So many of them have said that, and I don't quite understand that. And they said, because we can just listen to it anywhere. And because we're working with you, we understand your message, it reminds us and it gives us more confidence to move forward. Your children, when they're rude to you, where do you think their self-esteem is?

19:49 Do they look happy when they're being rude to you, saying, you don't love me, I don't love you, I'm leaving. Does she look happy when she says that? No. You want her to be a happy child, and this is the way you do it. They're much happier, they have higher self-esteem, more self-respect and pride in themselves when they've got a leader for a parent who is guiding them along the way to be good little people.

20:08 Okay? That's all we're doing here. I'm setting you up as a leader. It's never the kids, it's always you. Like I said, that client, he said, Oh, she's so good now. No, she's not. You are. And the client, they just they were look so shocked when I said that. I said, You're just a really good leader now, and she's following.

20:24 She respects you now. Okay, the next one is live from the United States. How do I get my four-year-old to stop saying yuck and no to food? I know you said to cook to your child's taste buds, so I do that. He loves cheese and bread, so I put melted cheese and pasta, broccoli, peas, beans, but he says yuck before even trying it.

20:41 I say try first before you say yuck. And I also say that's what we're having, if you like it or not, because I'm tired of the meal battles. He'll have a tantrum and I have sent him to bed hungry. I feel bad because it's twice now. When my two-year-year-old hears him say yuck, then he won't eat either, and both of them have a tantrum.

20:57 I know they're hungry, and that's also why they're tantruming. So how do I meet their need, but also stand my frustration ground? If both are too much, I will say, okay, try a bit, and then you can have something else. But now I feel like we're waiting for that something else. And so they have a tantrum on purpose.

21:12 So now there's something else, and just dinner and a tantrum. How do you cook to taste buds that constantly change? Should I give them something else for dinner? Should I say, don't say yuck to food on the behavior board?

21:23 We're gonna have to shorten these questions because I have my answer right at the start, and then I forget what that first part was. Then another one comes along. There's a whole bunch of different things. So anyway, I'm kind of confused now. Let me think. I it was the first part I wanted to comment on.

21:35 What was it now? Uh, sugar. What was it? Uh oh, he says yuck, right? He says yuck. So I would just go, whatever. There's no way I would feed that. And I'm not saying literally, I'm saying, you know, anyway. So yeah, there's no way I would feed that. I'd go, whatever, you know, let him let him do that.

21:51 He's manipulating you. It but it bothers you. Now he's in control. As soon as you look bothered or irritated, he is now in control and he knows it and he's running with it. If a if I fed kids something that I know they like and they'll they'll they'll usually eat, and they go, yuck, I Just go, oh, and then I talk to the little one.

22:09 If he goes yuck, I'd just say, Oh no, it's yummy. I would talk to the little one, the two-year-old. Okay. Say, Oh, it's yummy, though. You see, and I would ignore the four-year-old. He's out for attention, he's trying to control you, and he's trying to take over. It's a takeover, that's all it is. And you're feeding it.

22:24 I just have to have a bite, and then we'll go. Maybe we'll have something else. And oh my gosh.

22:29 He's he's playing in like a fiddle. You know what I'm noticing as like a common theme in a lot of your responses is that the child often, from what you're saying, is trying to get almost a reaction from their parents.

22:40 Well, yeah, because um, remember, when they're little, especially, they're not about words, they're about actions. They're watching you. And also your the your tone, your facial expressions, your body language. If you just look kind of bored when they're going on, I hate you, I hate you. You look kind of like you're yawning almost, you're bored.

22:55 Just go, whatever, and then just go on with what you need to do. You stay on the high road. When they do that, they're trying to pull you down to their low road, and most parents join them. Once you do that, that ladder to the high road is kicked out. You can't get back up there. I stay on the high road and I invite them there.

23:11 Okay, that's the difference. That's what leaders do. You're leading, so they will follow. That children need a leader, okay? It's different when they're teenagers. It switches and changes quite a bit when they're teenagers, but when they're young, no, they need guidance. They need a leader, they need someone to teach them the right way.

23:26 So, yeah, he's completely got you. And he knows it. He's playing you like a fiddle, and he knows it. You just haven't figured that out yet, but now you know, because I just told you that. So yeah, just say, oh, well, there's your dinner, that's it, whatever. Anyway, and then you just chat nicely to the little two-year-old.

23:40 Okay, the next one is Denise from the United States. What are your thoughts on sharing toys with complete strangers? My son's two and a half, and we go pretty frequently to the park. Also, he loves to play basketball. I'll bring his small basketball from home, and a lot of times as he's playing, some of the kids will ask him to borrow the basketball or if they can have a turn.

23:57 Mostly it's older ones who are four to seven. My son will get really upset whenever they take his basketball to throw a couple of hoops. I assume he probably thinks he'll never see his ball again, since he doesn't know the person who just took it. And now I'm left with dealing with a crying toddler. I've gotten to the point where I just don't even bother sharing his basketball anymore.

24:14 I'll tell the kids that he's not done yet.

24:16 That's one way of dealing with it. Also, I don't tend to take toys out in public because I figure kids, especially if they're the same age, they don't understand that. Like I think it's kind of mean. Your kids got this great basketball, no one else has one. So I think it's kind of mean. I like to show kids that, hey, when we go to the park out in public, everyone gets to share.

24:32 If you don't want to share, we won't take it. Okay. So when you go out, but you want to control it too. If the other kids take over, say, that's enough. Now we're gonna play with it now. So if they and you can teach them how to share too, because it is yours, right? So you can say, okay, that's enough.

24:45 He wants a turn now, so then you can give it back to your child. You want to manage the other kids too, and you want to be talking to them while they're playing. You want to sort of be like the coach, right? So you want to manage it. Um, but yeah, there's no way I would bring a toy to a playground and not expect other little kids to play with it too.

24:59 That I just wouldn't do that. I think it's kind of mean.

25:02 I actually remember that. I remember wanting to bring specific toys out, and I remember you saying, Well, it's not fair, like unless you want to share it with everyone else.

25:08 Yep, and it's gonna get dirty and like we were really clean. It's gonna get sandy and dirty.

25:13 You were really clean.

25:14 I was very clean, okay. So I'd have to disinfect it when we got home. My son used to say, he was very funny, and he used to say that uh like you could never wear outdoor clothes in our in my home, like school clothes or anything. You had to change into home clothes because I'm so fussy. So he said, Yeah, and then he said, Yeah, he said, but what we'd have to do, we'd have to go through that spray chamber with our hazmat suits on for to get in the front door.

25:35 Wasn't quite that bad. But yes, they did have home clothes and uh other and outclo- outside clothes. Yep.

25:41 He's still very funny. He is very funny, yes.

25:44 But as a kid, he was always calling me out with stuff like that. It was hilarious.

25:47 I know you could never get anything past him. Nothing. For me, to be honest. I think that that's also kids can be your greatest teachers and mirrors.

25:53 Well, they are the are mirrors. And you, if you're not learning from your kids and laughing at yourself as you go along, I was always in trouble. They they knew everything about me and they called me out constantly. It was fun, it was a riot. And they but they were nice about it, right? They were it was funny.

26:07 Okay, the next one. I know a really funny one. Uh, when we first moved from Australia to Canada, I hate cooking. I think mainly because I basically cook for health. Like I'm a really fussy cook with health, and I hate cooking anyway. But my meals probably weren't the best. I made some good ones, but I I never pride myself on cooking because I could care less about it.

26:23 But cleaning I love. But anyway, so we for we moved we lived in Australia. So my son was 15 when we moved back to Canada, or he'd never been here, but I mean, you know, never lived here. But we we immigrated to Canada uh because my mom was ill. So anyway, he said, gee, everyone here is such good cooks, and he kept going on about it.

26:39 Then he stopped and he went, Oh, I see. It's not that they're so good, it's that you're oh, love your mom.

26:49 Yeah. It was so funny. Yeah, but anyway, okay. She even had a way, grandma, of uh cooking craft dinner and hot dogs just that little bit. I don't know. It's I I think it was the love. It just cooked with love.

27:03 I cook with hate. I really hate cooking, like with a passion. I don't do it anymore because I don't have to. I had to cook for 30 years for a family. I made everything from scratch. I loathed it. And I did it because I'm into health. You can taste the loathing. You can taste the hate.

27:20 Okay, we have one final question. So Sydney from the United States. My four-year-old son has been slamming his bedroom door, screaming, get out of my room, and locking me out of his room. Upon entering, sometimes he hits me, throw things at me, and says, You're not my mom anymore, or runs out of his room away from me.

27:35 I feel lost, confused, and unsure how to parent in these moments. I try and connect and sit on the floor and tell him he can't hit or yell at me like that, but he's so angry in the moment it doesn't feel like the right time for connection. I've tried yelling, he just yells back. I've tried turning on a timer and having him stay in his room until the timer goes off.

27:51 I physically sat down on the floor and told him sternly that I will not allow him to act this way. None of it works. We always end up in the same situation.

27:59 You're using a stern voice and you're sitting on the floor trying to tell him that what he should and shouldn't do. He's just, he's never gonna listen to any of that. That's never gonna work. Okay. So if I had a kid who was in a bit of a fury because he didn't get his own way with something, and he went in his room and shut the door.

28:14 By the way, you said he's locking himself in. There's no way a four-year-old would have a lock on his door that he could lock me out. I would get rid of that. And also I'd make sure I had a camera so I know he's safe in there, right? So if he goes in his room, I'd think, yippee, I don't have to deal with that.

28:26 I can just let him go. He's slamming the door. He wants you to come in and beg you. He wants to be in control, he wants to manipulate you. Yeah. If it doesn't bother you, he's gonna stop doing it. He's only doing it for your action. You're feeding it right into it. You're fertilizing it. You're sitting on the floor, even discussing it, telling him what he, oh my goodness, he's he's riding this all the way home and he's loving it.

28:47 Now, what is your general approach if they hit or throw?

28:51 Well, she went in there and that's why she he hit. So just leave him alone. Okay, if they hit or throw, say you're four years old, no hitting, because he should be on the board by that time. No hitting should be the rule on the board. And then just say, let's go to the board, because you hit, and then you say, Here's your consequence, follow through with the board.

29:05 That's free on the website, bratbusters.com. It teaches you how to discipline.

29:09 Now, I just want to say as well, is because you do talk about that connection, but sometimes in the podcast I feel like it just doesn't always, we don't always get to it.

29:17 But well, okay, because she said she tries to connect. That's not the time to cut to connect, okay? When he's calmed down, you say, Do you want to go play a game? And plus, you don't discuss bad behavior. I never talk about it. I deal with it, then I forget it. You got to let it go. Parents hang on to it like it's just the like it's the rope and they're hanging off a cliff.

29:35 They want to discuss this bad behavior because they want their children to understand. That makes no sense at all. They already understand right from wrong. You just want to drive it home. You want, you think that the mini therapy session is going to make any difference with him? It doesn't make any difference with adults either.

29:49 Like let's say the government said to you, we really want you to pay your taxes on time. There's no, there's no penalty or anything, but we it's the right thing to do. We really, they're lecturing you, they're giving you the mini therapy session, discussing why you should pay your taxes. If there's no consequence, would you?

30:05 Think about it. We all learn through consequences, not through lectures. These mini therapy sessions discussing all the big feelings and big emotions just when they didn't get their own way. It's absolute garbage, okay? That's not how they learn, and it's disrespectful to do because you're just belligering, you're just like berating them.

30:22 You're bullying them. You're you're going on and on about the bad behavior, discussing it, you're making them feel worse and worse and worse. Let them get it out of his system. Then when he's done, oh, you all done? Do you want to go play a game? It's forgotten. But if he's hit, say, oh, you hit. So after he's finished, like the tantrum.

30:37 Then he comes out or whatever, because you didn't go in there. So now he's got to come out with his tail between his legs, right? So he comes out, oh, you all done? Okay, let's go to the board. So you hit me. Don't say because you were mad, because don't get into that. Parents want to do that. They always want to do that.

30:51 It's not a lack of understanding that makes them do the right or the wrong thing. It's the consequences, okay? It's not the lack of understanding. They already understand right from wrong, but parents do this all the time. They want to talk about, I know it's trending, it's just ridiculous. It's not necessary.

31:06 So you go to the board, hand out a consequence. He's mad again, he goes slam the door again, completely ignore him when he comes out again. If he didn't hit this time, just say, Oh, y'all done? Do you want to go play a game? You connect. That's when you connect. You don't try and connect when he's in charge.

31:20 If you go in there and you address that tantrum, you're on the low road with them. Now he's in charge. He's the leader and he knows it. You don't know it unless you're listening to this. He knows now that he's in charge of you. Soon as you've dropped down from the high road and you've entered his low road, he is now the boss.

31:37 Okay. Well, I feel like that's it for the parenting questions. Oh, is that it? Okay.

31:41 So polite kids, that's up to you. They don't come out of the womb with manners. That's up to you to teach them these social niceties that we all expect in life, and it's nice to hear. It's just showing appreciation for other people and respect for them, okay? It's these little niceties. And even the words I'm sorry, they don't mean anything to me, but they're a good start.

31:57 It's like that it's a start, right? I'm sorry. So I'm like waiting for what's coming. But a lot of people just say I'm sorry and that's it. But yeah, the words I'm sorry and the words um thank you or please or whatever or you're welcome, those are just niceties that people expect. If someone says hi to you, they want you to say hi back.

32:14 It's just part of social culture, okay? That's why we teach them that. And they will start to learn how to it, they it just makes them look like nicer people too, right? And I do believe osmosis, some of it sinks in. If they get used to saying thank you for a gift, I think they're more likely to appreciate it.

32:30 Okay, I think that's a great place to end. Okay, thanks so much for listening. We'll be back again soon talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.

32:38 Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform.

32:54 Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.

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