Why do people want to escape in the first place?

speaker-0: Hi, I'm Allison This is Dear Teen. You ask, I answer honestly. I actually have a teen with me today and she is going to be asking a question, not her question, a question from another teen and we're going to be discussing it. So can you tell me what the question is?

speaker-1: So the question is why do people want to escape in the first place?

speaker-0: So how do you even understand that question? What what do you think by that?

speaker-1: So for me I think it's probably mostly like in terms of like going kind of like doom scrolling for hours on social media instead of like whatever else you can be doing like off the phone. And I mean like I mean I definitely relate to that. I spend a lot of time like on TikTok, on Instagram, like a lot of the time as like a form of procrastination.

speaker-0: So can you imagine it's like Tuesday night, you've got a lot of like work to do for homework for your studies, whatever. You also might have like a group chat that you really don't feel like answering, but it's like looming there and it's like not a big deal, but you just are like and you just are kind of avoiding everything and you feel like, okay, I can't even explain why I'm doing this, but I'm just gonna pick up my phone and forget about everything. Does that sound about right to you?

speaker-1: Yeah, honestly, I think that a lot of the time it's not even like a conscious choice to procrastinate. It's just theirs and it's easy to like you don't have to think about what you're doing. You're just like watching like basically like endless

speaker-0: Exactly. Do you watch and when you're watching, would you say you disappear into like somebody else's world a little bit for a moment?

speaker-1: For me, if I'm like feeling very stressed and then I'm going on like TikTok or Instagram, I think what I'm watching is more things that kind of like validate my stress and almost like doesn't help me feel less stressful. I mean less stressed out, but just like almost like engulfing me like in the stress but in like a like in a comforting way, if that makes sense. I don't know how to explain.

speaker-0: It it it makes a lot of sense actually what you're saying. And what I've noticed when I talk to people your age is that they tell me when you finally stop and you stuff you stop looking, it's like y you put your phone down and all your problems are still there. Like it hasn't actually gotten better. Is that about right?

speaker-1: Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. If not like worse 'cause then you're like, now I have even less time.

speaker-0: Exactly. That's actually a point. I'm a lot of times it's worse because you are short on time and then you get even more stressed. It helps for maybe a moment, but it doesn't really help. So I wanna talk about procrastination a little bit. I still procrastinate at times. Like there are things I don't like doing. And when I wanna do something, let me tell you, cleaning my refrigerator sounds exciting. I mean it's like Like anything. It's just like anything to to get away from whatever it is that I want to do. And that's one form of cur procrastination. But there's another form, and sometimes you're escaping because something like inside of you just feels a little bit off. Like, especially for teenagers, not broken, not not really wrong, but just like off. Like life around you doesn't quite fit. Like who am I? Why am I even here? Why am I even doing this? And like I feel like all these people on Instagram, they got like some instruction manual on how to be. great and I'm like not there yet. I'm not great yet. Like how did they do it and why am I not there yet? Does this make sense to you or is that kind of a weird idea?

speaker-1: Yeah, I mean what you're saying does make sense, but I feel like most people, like I don't know, my friends, like I feel like it's less of a thought process being like I'm actively like going on this to like avoid this is just something that like I'm just doing. Like you're not even realizing it. I thought I don't

speaker-0: Actually, I agree with you on that. So that I maybe I didn't phrase myself well a hundred percent. I agree that most of the time you're not like saying to yourself, I'm doing this on purpose to avoid it. But if I say it that way, sometimes you do this when you might be scared of trying something new or or just like not sure who you are. And I I want to like relate back to you a story, if I may, from when I was young. So I want you to just imagine me as like somebody your age. I'm gonna tell you, I'm one of eleven kids, right? I know. And there was like bodies everywhere. There was never any silence. There was never any room that was just mine. And every teacher at school, when I walked in, they would like they'd be like, you're one of the Thatchers. And before I even opened my mouth, I was judged. Can can you imagine how awkward that was for me?

speaker-1: Yeah, I can't imagine.

speaker-0: Yeah, it was hard. And it was the eighties and I don't know if you've looked at any eighties pictures, but the girls in the eighties, they had this massive big hair. And my hair my hair was kind of similar to it is now. It's kind of flat. And I didn't wear a lot of makeup and everybody else wore a lot of makeup. I just felt like everything everybody was going along with the trends and I felt a little bit off sometimes. And I was like, Why isn't anybody questioning any of this? And you know, actually when I was feeling like bored, stuck, having any of these emotions, I had nowhere to go. Like I didn't have a phone. Like I couldn't do what you guys do. Like I didn't have that option. And what I did was I was like terribly bored. I even felt like sorry for myself. But a lot of times I would lay on the ground in my living room, like in a patch of sunlight, and I would just like kind of hang out in the sun, just laying there, like doing absolutely nothing. Do you think a lot of people your age hang out without their phones, without a computer? Just kind of with no music on either, you know, just kind of like just silence, just doing nothing.

speaker-1: mean I think so. I mean speaking from like my own experience, sometimes it just gets like so like overstimulating where it's just like I can't look at anything and I I just like will sometimes like l just like lie in bed and not even like go to sleep 'cause like usually I would also do that, but just like close my eyes and just like lie. Because like a lot of the times it can get like loud and yet overwhelming. But I think it's rare and I think if that happens like it's because it's built up to like such a like yeah, overwhelming point. But I know some of my friends like will go for walks, but they'll always have like another sort source of like stimulation, like music or like a TV show in a back in the background or something like that. Like I don't think it's ever like silence, silence.

speaker-0: So a lot of people talk about mindfulness and journaling and stuff like that. And in i in essence, I was practicing a form of mindfulness, but it wasn't like purpose. Like I wasn't doing it on purpose. I was just like bored out of my mind and had nothing to do. So I was like, lay and look at the stars, lay and look at the trees, lay and look like at the sunlight. And what was important in this time, and I just n want you to try to understand this, is while I was laying around, things in my head started to shift. I started to put things into place of like who I was and what I really wanted. And then during that time I was so bored one day. And it's hard to imagine because I've lived now in five different countries and things like that. But at the time, I didn't even have a passport. I'd never been to another country. And I was like, wow, I want to travel the world. So I bought this this map and I put it on the wall and I started to put pins in and I started to dream and I started to like lay out what I kind of wanted to do. And All of this kind of empty dead space that was like, I don't know, almost felt like it wasn't worth anything, turned out being worth something because I was creating who I was, like what I wanted without anybody else's import and without my parents' input, without my friends' input. It was just me by myself. Does that make sense?

speaker-1: That does make sense. But I also feel like now for like my generation it's quite hard to do that because there are like just so many more like voices like telling you like what kind of like direction to kind of go in or like like can be anything. But I think that it's honestly really hard to like think by yourself with no other influence, like what you actually really want to do.

speaker-0: Well, you guys have so many influencers that you watch. I mean, you obviously have like school influence and then you have like family influence and then you have all the influencers that are online telling you like how to do your hair and good morning routines and this is what you need to eat and this is your ex exercise routine and if you want your cheekbones like this, do this and look at these abs I have and aren't I perfect, right? Actually, a lot of times these people all seem really confident and like they have it figured out. And I can tell you from experience, they absolutely do not have it figured out for the most part. I've met many influencers as well and like talk to them. And a lot of them are super insecure and it's all a show. And I feel like most teenagers today are comparing their insides to somebody else's perfect curated outside. And I don't think that's a fair comparison. And I don't think it ever will be. What What do you think of that?

speaker-1: I definitely agree with you. I think it's super easy to get caught up in like I think less so kind of like I mean at least this is for me right now like kind of like career success. It's more of like where I can get caught up in it is like like the body image and like the more of like the vanity aspect of influencers. That's where I find myself comparing like I find myself comparing myself to that.

speaker-0: And for for any teenager, regardless of what age, because you know, you're an older teen, but there are younger teens and they're confronted with this and they're like really developing and you're trying to figure out through you who you are and you need that dead space, but before you even can get to that dead space, you have all this noise, like all this stimulation that's just like way too much, which is why ASMR videos are so popular right now, you know, to calm you down. so anyway, I guess the point I wanted to make with all of this Is the phones aren't necessarily bad. Like there are got lots of lots of good things on the phone, connection with family, friends, it's not all bad. But I just think that you guys need more empty space to like figure out who you are with your friends. And I agree. And that's where I became me and I want you to become your authentic self. So my wish, I guess, for all of you is to be your authentic self. Does that make sense?

speaker-1: Yeah, it does. It does. And also, yeah, I feel like it's just really hard to like play with that and like it kind of yeah, exactly what you were saying, like find out kind of like who you are because like there's just so much like information constantly. It's like you can't decide anything for yourself, basically.

speaker-0: I think that that's right. I don't really have like some like magic wand example for you. And I also was not a teenager in twenty twenty six. I was a teenager in the eighties. So it would be super unfair for me to like come in with this like grandiose advice because I'm an older woman who can't do that. I I do know that escapes help though. And I would say that Finding more space without devices, i be it at sports, at walks, you know, putting your phone away in a box for a while is really helpful for your brains and you've gotta kinda talk to your friends and figure out what works for you. But does that make sense?

speaker-1: Think yeah, but I just think like 'cause obviously like yeah, I've been told like put your phone away and all this but I think that's honestly really hard 'cause it's like the culture and like which we've been like raised in. I think what's more realistic and what I try and do is limit like just purely social media because I actually think that's where like all the negativity comes from. I think it's different if you put on like a show that like is comforting and calming. I actually think that that like can let you calm down whatever. I think where it's like an issue like I I really don't think anybody can calm down as like scrolling on TikTok, scrolling on Instagram. So I think that's more like of a realistic thing instead of like yeah, like putting your phone like in a box or something like that.

speaker-0: That is definitely spoken like a pro. However, I will say that you still need to have time with no sounds. Like with just silence. So I'm just gonna like, as a older professional, I'm just gonna like say what you said is absolutely so true. And I am not your age. So I'm gonna take your reality. This is a real thing for you. But I'm gonna bring in a little butt and I don't like butts, but I'm gonna do it to you anyway. The more spaces you find for quiet. kind of think yourself, the better you'll be. Now people are different, so you have to find your own space. And if that means you have something, some music running in the background because you really like that and it calms you down, so be it. You need to figure out what your version of the floor is. And if your version of the floor is painting while you have some other painting video explaining to you how to paint, but you're actually in the zone painting, well then that's what your floor is. But you definitely need to give your head some space.

speaker-1: Yeah, no, I a hundred percent agree.

speaker-0: Well, it's been wonderful talking to you. I look forward to having many more conversations with you. I want to tell everyone out there if you have a question, something you think about at midnight, and you think I would not want to say this in class, I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone this question, send it to askdearteen at gmail dot com. There's also an anonymous link in the show notes. No names, no judgment. I'm Alison. This is Dear Teen.