What Men Don't Understand About Women

0:00 [SPEAKER_00]: It's ten at night, you're sitting with your wife and she starts to tell you about her sister, what she said, how it made her feel and how she was just not happy and maybe even overwhelmed from the family pressure. [SPEAKER_00]: And you listen for about two minutes and you start to tell her, you give her solutions, okay, you don't need to talk to her at this particular time.

0:17 [SPEAKER_00]: Very simple, she looks at you and the room goes cold, she gets up and she walks away, and you can obviously tell that she's upset. [SPEAKER_00]: and you don't even understand why. [SPEAKER_00]: Now if you're married you've lived some version of this to where this has happened more than once and you're wondering why she walked out why she acted the way that she did and is not as complicated as it feels but somehow it's turned into something that you didn't even expect.

0:44 [SPEAKER_00]: Now I've been dealing with men for decades that have been in this situation trying to figure it out and not realizing that there are some small things they need to take into consideration. [SPEAKER_00]: When they realize these things that they take into consideration, they see that there is a huge opportunity.

0:59 [SPEAKER_00]: for the marriage to be maintained upon wood and rahma, upon affection and mercy in shahAllah. [SPEAKER_00]: Now the Prophet peace and blessings be upon them said, the best of you are those who are best to their families, not the ones that are the best providers, the ones that are best to their families.

1:15 [SPEAKER_00]: So how can we be the best in shahAllah? [SPEAKER_00]: What I'm going to talk about today in Shalala is show all of you how those things that we're missing can possibly cost our marriage, can possibly cost the emotional interest of your wife towards you. [SPEAKER_00]: What are the things that when you recognize it, it can mend and bring the hearts together.

1:35 [SPEAKER_00]: Bismillah, let's get started. [SPEAKER_00]: Point number one brother. [SPEAKER_00]: This is important for you to know that she's not asking you to solve it all the time or immediately, she's just asking you to stay and listen. [SPEAKER_00]: Listen, at work you're solving problems and even with your children you're solving problems and getting things done because that's how you see progress, that's how things move along.

1:54 [SPEAKER_00]: When your wife comes to you around 9pm, complaining about her sister or friend, you know, the neighbor, something that's going on in her life where she is clearly venting. [SPEAKER_00]: And then you tell her how to solve it and she looks at you like I didn't want you to solve the problem.

2:09 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just trying to talk to you. [SPEAKER_00]: You didn't do anything wrong, essentially. [SPEAKER_00]: It's just that you gave her step two before step one. [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, let's look in the life of the Prophet ﷺ. [SPEAKER_00]: Even the woman, Khadija, Ralli Lahu Anha, when the Prophet ﷺ received revelation, he went straight to her and what did he say, Zamiluni Zamiluni.

2:27 [SPEAKER_00]: And he said, Inni Hoshi to Al-Nafsi, veryly I fear for myself. [SPEAKER_00]: What did she do after that? [SPEAKER_00]: She immediately comforted him. [SPEAKER_00]: She saw him. [SPEAKER_00]: She said, well, La'iyyukh Zikullah, or La'iyyul, magh Zikullah who evident, that Allah was subhanahu wa ta'ala would never disgrace you and he would never leave you.

2:44 [SPEAKER_00]: In the Calitasa de Ruhem, Weletak, Tuxibul, Maadung, Weletak, Manel Kul, where she goes in a very early, you bring people together. [SPEAKER_00]: the relatives together and you keep the ties of kinship and you carry the burden. [SPEAKER_00]: She believed in them and told him things that would show understanding of who he is and not trying to provide a solution.

3:05 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. [SPEAKER_00]: I know some of you may say that, okay, that was a woman towards the man. [SPEAKER_00]: But what's important here is to show the element of acknowledgement, the acknowledgement of what they're saying that is internal in their feelings before trying to solve the problem.

3:19 [SPEAKER_00]: Because then and only then, [SPEAKER_00]: After that, she took him to work out to be no fun. [SPEAKER_00]: She took him to work out after she sat him down. [SPEAKER_00]: She entered in upon his world and she was listening to him and then rebuttal with something that would encourage him and shows that, look, I see you, I hear you, I understand what you're going through.

3:40 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm there to try to comfort you before we arrive at a solution. [SPEAKER_00]: So one of those could say, with the Prophet ﷺ, with Ayyshad al-Luhwana, when they were around six miles outside of Mecca and they were about to form their Hajj. [SPEAKER_00]: The only Hajj with the Prophet ﷺ, this is actually Hajj to the Wadaq.

4:00 [SPEAKER_00]: The fair will Hajj, with the Prophet ﷺ, is in the midst of someone say, like logistically, [SPEAKER_00]: Everything is all over the place. [SPEAKER_00]: All of the companions are around the Prophet ﷺ learning from him, wanting to see how to perform this Hajj. [SPEAKER_00]: And I shall all the Allah Allah, and have all people.

4:18 [SPEAKER_00]: Look at this. [SPEAKER_00]: I shall all the Allah, and have. [SPEAKER_00]: As she mentioned, she said that we left not wanting to accept Hajj, Karajna Manebiyah Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw, Salaw [SPEAKER_00]: He said, I wish I could have made another time or, you know, he asked, are you crying?

5:13 [SPEAKER_00]: And she said, yes. [SPEAKER_00]: And the promise on Allah, how I did was tell him, look at what he responded. [SPEAKER_00]: And this is in Bukhadi and Muslim. [SPEAKER_00]: He said, very, haqqah that Khalilqah Allah, but not the Adam. [SPEAKER_00]: He said, this is how Allah, suprainer with the Adam, has created the daughters of Adam.

5:30 [SPEAKER_00]: So notice what he did. [SPEAKER_00]: He asked what the problem was. [SPEAKER_00]: She acknowledged it. [SPEAKER_00]: She said she's crying. [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't immediately give a solution. [SPEAKER_00]: He didn't immediately give a solution. [SPEAKER_00]: He said, this is how Allah has created the Binata to any Adam.

5:44 [SPEAKER_00]: Notice how one thing, which is interesting here, he immediately ties it to Allah, not her. [SPEAKER_00]: It's not your fault. [SPEAKER_00]: Allah, Subhanahu Wa'Ta'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u'u [SPEAKER_00]: a sense of comfort and what Allah has predestined because the crying can lead to impatience.

6:07 [SPEAKER_00]: It can lead to anger. [SPEAKER_00]: It can lead to questioning why this happened to me at this time with my husband. [SPEAKER_00]: Now he's stopping to enter in upon me and I'm not able to do what many ladies, a law out of them would follow me in doing. [SPEAKER_00]: She's the wife of the provisional law on it was sent up.

6:27 [SPEAKER_00]: but he, Subhanallah, reminds her of the color. [SPEAKER_00]: And it could even be possible that he knows that reality of what is behind that. [SPEAKER_00]: But in any case, we stick to what is said. [SPEAKER_00]: The Prophet ﷺ said, this is how Allah has created by Nati'a Adam. [SPEAKER_00]: So he entered in, he asked, and he helped with her solution.

6:48 [SPEAKER_00]: He was sympathetic, he unshamed her even, right? [SPEAKER_00]: She didn't feel good about the situation. [SPEAKER_00]: This is how Allah has created upon the binati Adam. [SPEAKER_00]: And then, [SPEAKER_00]: and only then he gave the solution. [SPEAKER_00]: If I didn't make it, I didn't have to write it a letter to a feeble bank.

7:05 [SPEAKER_00]: I had to tell Tutturi. [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, I'm gonna call this Allah alayhi wa sallam. [SPEAKER_00]: The power of Allah alayhi wa sallam said, do what, do what the Hajj does except making Tawaf around the Kaaba. [SPEAKER_00]: until you are purified. [SPEAKER_00]: And this is where scholars say that it isn't permissible for the woman that is in her mind, just to make Thaw off from this particular Hadith.

7:25 [SPEAKER_00]: So we see here the Prophet ﷺ saw before solving. [SPEAKER_00]: And this is what I want to remind you, gentlemen, see before solving, do not try to solve the problem immediately because what will happen is you'll enter in the house. [SPEAKER_00]: You'll talk to your wife. [SPEAKER_00]: She'll tell you how her mother was intruding and how her mother is still belittling her.

7:48 [SPEAKER_00]: And you tell her, look, okay, just don't talk to her after APM. [SPEAKER_00]: That's it. [SPEAKER_00]: That's it. [SPEAKER_00]: What you're doing is you just jumped over reception. [SPEAKER_00]: You went to repairing. [SPEAKER_00]: It is about reception before repairing. [SPEAKER_00]: Seeing before solving.

8:04 [SPEAKER_00]: So what do you do in this situation, gentlemen? [SPEAKER_00]: When you hear her complain, and my mother is just always looking down and they're comparing me to my sister and it just gets so aggravating. [SPEAKER_00]: You say, oh, I see. [SPEAKER_00]: I see. [SPEAKER_00]: So what else, how does that make you feel, is it?

8:19 [SPEAKER_00]: You're not trying to be her therapist, but you're showing that you see her and you're listening. [SPEAKER_00]: And sometimes, it may be that you have felt the same thing as well. [SPEAKER_00]: So you're not to appropriately respond. [SPEAKER_00]: It may be your father has overlooked you and you're the first born.

8:34 [SPEAKER_00]: Or maybe your father treats you like a baby and not like your older brother. [SPEAKER_00]: Whatever it is, [SPEAKER_00]: Tap into those feelings, whereas at men don't like all the time, right? [SPEAKER_00]: You have to tap into it, man, because what's going to happen is if you don't, it will turn into another argument and a lot of notice best.

8:49 [SPEAKER_00]: When you're just trying to help, but she's a female and she's emotional and she wants to be heard before helped. [SPEAKER_00]: So remember, [SPEAKER_00]: Reception before repairing, seeing before solving, she wants to be heard before helped. [SPEAKER_00]: Don't forget that because that will help prevent another argument.

9:08 [SPEAKER_00]: Number two, that's important for us to remember as men is it's not about the amount. [SPEAKER_00]: It's about the effort. [SPEAKER_00]: It's not about what you give, it's about how consistent you give, it's not about what the amount or greatness of what you show, it's about how often do you show it, and that's why you hear the term, it's the little things at times, and it's not her fault, it's just important for you to know that y'all are on different ledgers, you run on different ledgers, different levers, [SPEAKER_00]: A lost Pantales created as differently, which means there will be different ways of understanding and accepting things.

9:40 [SPEAKER_00]: She's a female you are a male. [SPEAKER_00]: We're just learning about that and there's one major Hadith that I want us to remember because we remember this Hadith, we remember it in regards to Salah, we remember it in regards to discipline. [SPEAKER_00]: but Nick Namastek, this is discipline, and she had enough.

9:56 [SPEAKER_00]: Everything that we're talking about is of you fighting the soul or the bad portion or the animalistic element of your soul that does not want you to flourish. [SPEAKER_00]: And from them is mentioned in the Quran, in the chapter of Bukhara, when speaking about Sahr, when speaking about magic, when Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al-Al- [SPEAKER_00]: Huma'a kafara sura imana wa la kinnah shay'a al-tine shay'a al-tine kefiru yu alimuna nasa sehar And sura imana did not disbelieve, but it was the Satan that disbelieve, the Satan that disbelieve, teaching mankind sehar magic, right?

10:34 [SPEAKER_00]: In Babel, you know, it's telling them that Wama'a yu ma yu ma yu ma yu ma yu wa ma yu alimana min aha den hata yukola in nama'ana nufitsuna tunnufa la taqfur. [SPEAKER_00]: If you get to Alamun, I mean whom I am, I mean you for the corner, be he bane, and mark it was O.J. [SPEAKER_00]: So here's a mentioning that they learned what was teaching, they learned.

10:54 [SPEAKER_00]: If you get to Alamun, I mean whom I am, they learn from them both. [SPEAKER_00]: What would separate a man from his wife, speaking about Sahar? [SPEAKER_00]: So these little things, that because of ego, because of lack of learning, a her, lack of learning her, lack of learning yourself, and how to be better.

11:12 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, there's taken a consideration, not saying that it's magic that it's being casted on you or her, but know that one of the primary, the also the foundation of why Satan was established in the Quran is mentioned is to separate a man from his wife. [SPEAKER_00]: And Allah knows best.

11:32 [SPEAKER_00]: So here it is about the effort, right? [SPEAKER_00]: And the consistency, not the amount. [SPEAKER_00]: The Prophet ﷺ, he said, ahabbu al-Amanu il Allah, ad-Dwamuhah, and this is the Hadith that I was referring to when speaking about consistency that we use and discipline in other matters.

11:51 [SPEAKER_00]: But when it comes to being good to your wife or doing those small things that may be small to you, but it's major. [SPEAKER_00]: See what we have to understand is that women, [SPEAKER_00]: They'll move on a, I think John Gray on his book, Mana for Mars, winner for Venus or the opposite.

12:06 [SPEAKER_00]: The point system, whether you took her to Turkey and put her in business class and spent around $20,000, $10,000 in the trip, as opposed to, you know, taking her to the local coffee shop every day after or every Friday or every this or every day. [SPEAKER_00]: For the past five years, that's much more than that.

12:28 [SPEAKER_00]: Brothers, you may not want to hear this. [SPEAKER_00]: That business class that Turkey, that was all one point, because it was one trip. [SPEAKER_00]: And that trip was a show of appreciation. [SPEAKER_00]: Going to the coffee shop three days a week, that's three points. [SPEAKER_00]: I know it may sound crazy, I know I get it, because you're thinking of the amount that you spent, the time that you took off as opposed to when you got off of work you took her to the coffee shop, you brought coffee home, every day she knows to expect this, the small consistent thing.

13:04 [SPEAKER_00]: And the professor, someone said, I do one more hour, we're in Gull. [SPEAKER_00]: even if it was a little bit. [SPEAKER_00]: The Prophet ﷺ, when she would drink from a glass, he would turn to where she drank and put his lips for her lips for her drink. [SPEAKER_00]: the little things, the little things, this is what matters.

13:25 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you add what was mentioned in the beginning, the first point about repairing and not trying to repair, but listening, you're hearing before trying to solve the problem. [SPEAKER_00]: Here we see Subhanallah. [SPEAKER_00]: that the Prophet ﷺ was consistent in those little things and he gave us the general rule to be consistent even if it was a little.

13:51 [SPEAKER_00]: So remember brothers those little things you have to not look in your mind and say well this is a little she want to appreciate it no no those little things matter the little things matter and it will increase your your points and shut a law that [SPEAKER_00]: You saying her name for something other than her doing something for you.

14:10 [SPEAKER_00]: You saying your name and then telling her how do you feel about her, right? [SPEAKER_00]: These are the things that matter. [SPEAKER_00]: The promise of Allah, I always said, I'm also said, let's take it on the minute of the matter. [SPEAKER_00]: Oofi, shayah, do not be little, the little.

14:24 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't be little, the small things. [SPEAKER_00]: And he said, shayah, and... [SPEAKER_00]: anything anything it is don't be little it as long as it is my roof and you notice the same word is used in the Quran well I don't know what the other says why she do her nabil my roof and to live with them in goodness [SPEAKER_00]: And my roof is that which is known to be good, that which is known to be good, as long as it is in a line with the Shadiya.

14:52 [SPEAKER_00]: So what she knows to be good, what her love language is, you do enact in those things that are in accordance to her love language, but the one that's the most that she likes the most, you do that consistently. [SPEAKER_00]: You know, every day at 4pm, you bring coffee and sit with her. [SPEAKER_00]: Every day at 8 p.m. you take that walk with her and talk about things that she likes, these are separate points, as opposed to the big, grand-dois eat thing that she wants to do.

15:19 [SPEAKER_00]: Do that, but be consistent on the little things, because what will happen is, as a provisor on the mention and another hideeath that we know with the woman, [SPEAKER_00]: as a portion of it, when you say a man will spend the lifetime on the woman and she will see something that she doesn't like in him and she will say, I don't see any good in you.

15:37 [SPEAKER_00]: This is a feature that they may have. [SPEAKER_00]: It is not who they are ultimately, but it's a feature that they may possess that may come from them at times. [SPEAKER_00]: And it's interesting the provisional law and it was some said that because it's really directed to you to keep that in mind Oh, leader to keep that in mind and making sure that there is a level of consistency in your goodness tour There's a level of consistency in responding in the way that she would like and this is how you become a masterman This is how you lead appropriately and this is how Allah makes you the Qawam Be happy [SPEAKER_00]: Third point, brothers, and this is important because of how to learn, you know, we fall into this issue of Obama and wanting to provide, is that her competence in something is not the same as her not needing you.

16:20 [SPEAKER_00]: Her competence in something does not mean that she does not need you. [SPEAKER_00]: What do I mean by this? [SPEAKER_00]: You may have a wife that has a master's degree, she's very competent and well skilled in something, or she's handling a number of things around the house because you're traveling a lot.

16:36 [SPEAKER_00]: And you find out one day a couple days she feels overwhelmed and you ask yourself the question well she took it all on. [SPEAKER_00]: My job is to provide the money to bring home honey, to bring home the bacon or to bring home the, you know, let's say the asshorm I don't know what it is, but to bring that home to take care of the family and she handles the rest.

16:56 [SPEAKER_00]: That capability is a capability because of the absence of your intentionality and you taking on some of that responsibility. [SPEAKER_00]: Especially you'll find this with sisters that they may have grown up amongst a lot of boys and she may be the oldest amongst boys from her sibling sequence.

17:11 [SPEAKER_00]: Or, [SPEAKER_00]: You know, she had to handle situations, even with her sister. [SPEAKER_00]: So she's used to getting things done and you're not. [SPEAKER_00]: When you find out that she does it, you become complacent. [SPEAKER_00]: And it is important that men we are always intentional and our head is on swivel.

17:25 [SPEAKER_00]: We're always looking and seeing where does she need me. [SPEAKER_00]: Even though she's handling certain things, sometimes you want to take care of yourself. [SPEAKER_00]: Don't worry, I'll handle it. [SPEAKER_00]: No, no, I'll take care of it. [SPEAKER_00]: There's nothing like when a woman hears, I'll take care of it, I'll handle it, I got it under control.

17:38 [SPEAKER_00]: You've taken off that stress because she just handled it because it hasn't been handled. [SPEAKER_00]: This happens when you find that the man [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, let's look at Khalid Jarlal Al-Hawanna. [SPEAKER_00]: She was someone that is of the most virtuous women, if not the most virtuous woman in history.

17:55 [SPEAKER_00]: With the power of Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, when he said, Inni Ruziktu Habbaha, they're very, I have been provided with her love, Yani, a law gave me risk from this of her love. [SPEAKER_00]: And even said this as a rebuttal against Ayyshad Al-Hawanna, [SPEAKER_00]: It's a panel line.

18:12 [SPEAKER_00]: I should have done a lot of things. [SPEAKER_00]: I should have done a lot of things. [SPEAKER_00]: I should have done a lot of things. [SPEAKER_00]: I have not been jealous of anyone. [SPEAKER_00]: Like I have been jealous of Khadija, Radeelahua and her. [SPEAKER_00]: But the Prophet ﷺ even though someone said he worked for or did a more abha with her, had Prophet sharing with her, he still worked with her under her company.

18:31 [SPEAKER_00]: So when you see your wife handling situations around the house, taking that load offer, she's just carrying it because it's not being done. [SPEAKER_00]: her competence is not me. [SPEAKER_00]: She doesn't need your help. [SPEAKER_00]: Make no mistake. [SPEAKER_00]: Even though she's competent, she may be working.

18:46 [SPEAKER_00]: It's important that you take on some of the load in the house, whether it's with the children, taking them out after an officer letting them play until they get tired and they're going to come on to go to sleep by the nighttime. [SPEAKER_00]: You know, taking on something in the household to wear.

19:00 [SPEAKER_00]: She feels your intentional with being a family man and not just an ATM machine. [SPEAKER_00]: Many of you men say, look, I'm just an ATM machine, it's a prop you feel like an ATM machine. [SPEAKER_00]: It's probably because you are looking at it from this aspect. [SPEAKER_00]: I bring home the money, she takes care of the house, simple.

19:18 [SPEAKER_00]: that may not work all the time. [SPEAKER_00]: Because the money you're bringing home, you probably brought more money in, you're income is increased. [SPEAKER_00]: Therefore, your standards of living have increased. [SPEAKER_00]: That means the tasks at home have increased. [SPEAKER_00]: Your job is they the same.

19:30 [SPEAKER_00]: You've gotten a raise, you're very competent in what you do. [SPEAKER_00]: But when it comes to being in home with three kids in the house and the bills and, and, and, and, and. [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, she's paying online, but could that be something you could do from your phone? [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, the landscaping men come, but she doesn't feel comfortable talking to them all the time.

19:47 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, there may be a problem in the house, so she's tired of calling the companies to come over and handle it. [SPEAKER_00]: These types of things she needs to see that you're intentional about taking care of it, the situation. [SPEAKER_00]: Her competence does not lead, should not lead to your complacency.

20:03 [SPEAKER_00]: Brother, this is no rebuttal to you. [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you know, you solve because you're capable, you give big because you're generous. [SPEAKER_00]: And you backed off because you were, she respected your strength. [SPEAKER_00]: But just knowing even though that's taking place, just don't be on default and just [SPEAKER_00]: letting things happen.

20:20 [SPEAKER_00]: You have to be conscious of these things. [SPEAKER_00]: And when she sees it, you're conscious of it. [SPEAKER_00]: You're intentional. [SPEAKER_00]: That is when they're appreciating. [SPEAKER_00]: That is when the love, that is when the Rahman. [SPEAKER_00]: That is when the loss of Pano D'Alsa's, Hondali Basal, like an untimely basal La Hunan, that you were a garment for her.

20:34 [SPEAKER_00]: And she is a garment for you. [SPEAKER_00]: And these are just some points that we may have missed having good instincts, but they just aim slightly wrong. [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why I'm here as your brother in Charlotte, we do this together and recognizing how we can maintain our marriages.

20:49 [SPEAKER_00]: We've established them, but maintenance of them make no mistake requires work. [SPEAKER_00]: it requires review, it requires turning to Allah and recognizing that he is the one that will give you the strength. [SPEAKER_00]: You take that strength and use it in the right way. [SPEAKER_00]: May Allah SWT bless all your brothers and seeing these three and seeing more.

21:07 [SPEAKER_00]: May Allah SWT will make you those that are consistent in trying to be the best example that you can for your wife and your children. [SPEAKER_00]: Badak Allah, if he comes to know why they come around to lie to you, badakat.