507: Portrait of a Lady on Tires

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Season Five, Episode Seven: “Portrait of a Lady on Tires” Transcript INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT The clink of glasses in celebration! NSA ADVISOR Well done, President Phillips! This trade agreement with the island nation of Pura Pura will improve our economy, save American jobs-- CHET And prevent a war between our countries that would cost thousands of innocent lives! NSA ADVISOR Oh, sure, that’s good too, I guess. The State Department is just dotting a few t’s. I’ll bring back the final draft in a jiffy. CHET I hope every decision this job throws at me is this easy. SFX: The NSA Advisor exits. Chet pours himself a scotch. CHET Hail to the chief, baby. SFX: As Chet takes a gulp, the curtains rustle and out pops O.G. O.G. Evening, Chester! SFX: Chet does a spit take. CHET Oh it’s you. And it’s Chet. I mean PRESIDENT PHILLIPS. O.G. You know, I really miss popping out from behind the Lincoln portrait, but I can get used to the curtains. Adapt and thrive. CHET Do you need something? O.G. Yes. You can’t sign your trade agreement with Pura Pura. Hey, are those pistachios? CHET What? That’s gonna mean war! O.G. Mind if I have some? They’re my favorites and I can never find any. SFX: OG helps himself. CHET I’m not declaring a war on ANYBODY, certainly not a developing island nation. And maybe you can’t find pistachios because you’re LIVING IN MY WALL. What’s back there anyway? O.G. You wanna come over? Great! Bring the pistachios! CHET Oh Jesus, fine. SFX: Chet picks up the nut bowl and they head behind the curtains. INT. THE OVAL APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS CHET Man, this is tiny. Are we between the oval office and my sitting room? O.G. Home sweet home. It’s not much but it’s mine. CHET You live here? A cot, a nightstand, a lamp and...a big red button? O.G. Don’t touch that! CHET Or what? I’m the president and we’re in the Oval Office. Kind of. O.G. Exactly. Oval Office? Big red button? CHET That’s THE button? Like...BOOM? O.G. It doesn’t dispense Diet Coke, I can tell you that. CHET Okay, O.G., who are you? O.G. Just think of me as an imaginary friend. One who gives impeccable advice. CHET You’re advising I attack an island whose only industry is two-star resorts. O.G. Nononono, I’m just advising you to alter your trade agreement. CHET I just told everybody it was perfect as-is! O.G. Chester, Pura Pura’s major industry may be two-star resorts, but their second largest is the production of a new mango-honeydew hybrid. CHET Sounds tasty. O.G. Oh, it’s vile. BUT they keep improving it. In five years, they’ll perfect it. It will go AMAZING with ice cream. And that’s the disaster we’re trying to avoid. CHET Ice cream disaster? O.G. Ten years from now mangodew sundaes will be the most popular cold dessert in the country, surpassing even Disneyland’s trademark Pineapple Dole Whip. In fifteen years, looking to capitalize on the craze, Universal Studios will make Mangodew Whips the signature dessert in their theme parks. Because Pura Pura holds the patent on Mangodews, Dole will be unable to compete. Disneyland attendance tanks, the company looks for foreign investors to stay afloat...and Mr. President, once you’ve lost Disneyland... CHET You’ve lost the Disney-world. O.G. We understand each other. Excellent! CHET I don’t understand any of this! The hawks in Congress are gonna demand I firebomb a sovereign nation because you want a Dole Whip in fifteen years! O.G. Again. All I said was you can’t sign the trade agreement as it is. Add a clause that makes Dole the sole distributor of mangodews in the USA. Pura Pura is happy. Mickey’s happy. You’re happy. Everyone’s happy. SFX: OG munches on pistachios. CHET Ooookay. O.G. Wonderful! Listen, I hate to kick you out so soon but I’ve got a very long task list, so - CHET How can you predict what’s going to happen in the future? O.G. I’m not really at liberty to explain - CHET Who are you? O.G. It’s not important who I am, Mr. Preisdent. Goodnight! SFX: He shoos Chet through the curtains. A heavy door seals behind him. Chet bangs on the door. CHET Open up! I’m not done with you! O.G.? O.G.? SFX: Chet sighs and stops banging. He picks up his phone. CHET Nancy? Call the State Department, I need to revise the Pura Pura deal. Thanks. And also... schedule a meeting with former Secretary of Defense Whitmire. Quietly. SFX: He hangs up. CHET Time to get some answers. MUSIC: THEME SONG MISSION VOICE Mission Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents…the backups. Tonight’s episode: Portrait of a Lady on Tires. INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM FADE INTO THE BEEPS AND BOOPS OF THE BRIEFING ROOM, BUT TODAY THERE'S ALSO UPBEAT TECHNO BOP MUSIC AND THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE BREATHING HEAVILY WHILE PUMPING FOR THEIR LIFE ON AN EXERCISE BIKE PELOTON PATTY (ON SPEAKER) AND SPRINT TWO THREE FOUR/HIGH GEAR TWO THREE FOUR/YOU CAN DO IT! SKIP (panting) I can do it.... PELOTON PATTY (ON SPEAKER) KEEP IT UP HILLCRUSHER17, YOU’VE GOT TOP PACE! WAY TO GO, FITNESSMOM! CHICHKENANDSTARS, YOU DISGUST ME, PEDAL HARDER! SKIP YES MA’AM! SFX - DOOR OPENS MCGRATH Holy remix, Skip, this techno is blasting down to Studebaker’s lab! Is Daft Punk our next mission specialist? SKIP No shiny helmets in here, Agent McGrath, only cycling helmets adjusted to the proper fit! MCGRATH A helmet, elbow guards, and knee pads... on a stationary bike. SKIP Safety rests at no speed! MCGRATH At least you’re not throwing a rave. Though now, Studebaker is, and I don’t want to know why he had all those glow sticks in his desk. PELOTON PATTY (ON SPEAKER) Three more seconds and it’s BACK UP THE MOUNTAIN! SKIP YES PELOTON PATTY! YOU INSTRUCT I OBEY! MCGRATH Well that’s not disturbing. SKIP There’s something about these instructors, McGrath-- PELOTON PATTY (ON SPEAKER) Give me everything you’ve got on this next incline! Let it rip or know my wrath! SKIP WITNESS ME! MCGRATH At least mute the pedal dominatrix or I’ll tell Zelda she has competition for most intimidating female in your life. SFK - BEEP SKIP Good idea. There’s a briefing to give anyway... MCGRATH BUT KEEP PEDALING WORM! SKIP YES INSTRUCTOR-- MY GOD, HOW DID YOU DO THAT! MCGRATH Skip, sometimes I feel like meeting your parents would explain so, so much. SFX - DOOR OPENS, GLORIA ENTERS GLORIA We’re not late, are we? For a moment it sounded like we’d rented the briefing room to Marshmello! SKIP You’re spot on the tick of the hour, Gloria... but where’s Bowden? GLORIA He’s in the hall... BOWDEN AND I’M STAYING HERE. GLORIA We may have to revisit the whole ‘Bowden and Stefan’ issue. BOWDEN OR AS I CALL IT, THE STEFAN ISSUE. MCGRATH I’ve no idea what’s going on but I sense epic glory in the making. BOWDEN I SENSE EPIC CHAFING IN THE MAKING. MCGRATH Bowden, either come in here or I hack the hallway security camera and stream it to the Depart of Justice’s Instagram stories. SFX DOOR ENTERS, SLOW FOOTSTEPS IN GLORIA It doesn’t look... bad. MCGRATH It’s patriotic, that’s for sure. BOWDEN Oh, most definitely; while I am very white, this outfit make parts of me very red and very blue. SKIP Bowden, if that outfit is good enough for the track and field athletes representing the United States at this year’s Paris Olympics, it’s good enough for vou. BOWDEN The irony is that, in the late 90s, I almost starred in a third Steve Prefontaine movie, a prequel called Pre-prefontaine. MCGRATH Skip, can you tear yourself away from your single wheel of terror to give us a mission briefing? SKIP No need, McGrath, I’ve had the slide projector controls wired directly into my handlebars! PELOTON PATTY PUMP THOSE TOOTHPICKS YOU CALL LEGS, CHICKENSANDSTARS! YOUR BODY MAKES ME QUESTION EVOLUTION AS A BASIC THEORY! ALL BUT SKIP MUTE HER! SFX - BEEP, THEN SLIDE PROJECTOR, SKIP PEDALING THROUGHOUT SKIP Agents, I give you Paris. The City of Lights, of Love, and currently of the world’s greatest athletic tradition, the Olympics! MCGRATH Oh, quite the tradition. A bloated excuse for colonizer nations to get more jingoistic every four years... BOWDEN What name did we come up for this, when they yammer on, disagreeing while ignoring each other? GLORIA Parallel snarking. SKIP But this year, there’s evidence the Olympics might play host to a different brand of excitement. SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR GLORIA Are those screen captures of international banking transactions? SKIP Right you are, Agent Kovak. Dozens of payments, each sent via a unique chain of banks over the course of several weeks, all crediting the various dicey Swiss accounts. MCGRATH Ah, international transfers, Swiss bank accounts... that takes me back to my hacking days. BOWDEN Looks like a case study in money laundering 101. SKIP Nothing quite so simple, Bowden. If you examine the free text instructions on these payments, you’ll notice a sequence of letters and numbers... MCGRATH ANOTHER PATTERN? RING RING, this is the deep end calling, Agent Granger just went off me! Skip, I love you, but after the O.G. debacle-- SKIP I’m not sure ‘debacle’ qualifies... I did get to see the inside of the Oval Office. MCGRATH You should take a breath and ask, do I really see this pattern, or am I just hoping to see a pattern? SKIP Agreed. Which is why, once I’d recognized this potential pattern, I called top cryptographers at the CIA, FBI, NSA, Interpol, the French Surete, and The History Channel... MCGRATH And they set you straight? SKIP Indeed. They said I was right. MCGRATH You see! Now will you finally admit this whole thing is in your... hold on, I’m reacting as if you’d said the other thing, aren’t I? SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR SKIP If you arrange the payments in date order, and run a simple polyalphabetic substitution on the free text, you get this message. SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR BOWDEN Kidnapper la joconde? SKIP In French, that first word would be the verb ‘kid-nap-pay’, and ‘la joconde’-- GLORIA Is the French name for the Mona Lisa! MCGRATH Someone’s going to steal the Mona Lisa during the Paris Olympics?! BOWDEN Sacre bleu! SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR SKIP France’s General Directorate for Internal Security took action immediately and increased security measures at the Louvre fivefold. GLORIA Between that and the upcoming games, French security services must be spread pretty thin! SKIP ‘Bilbo Baggins butter metaphor’ thin. They’ve recalled recent retirees and redirected provincial authorities to the city for the duration of the games. BOWDEN It sounds like the French have this well in hand, for once. What do they need the EMF for? SKIP They don’t think they do. But I think they’re guarding the wrong target. SFX - A PAUSE MCGRATH So, to recap. You cracked an extremely complex cipher-- GLORIA --across multiple messages-- BOWDEN --which the world’s intelligence services confirmed--- MCGRATH And you think you’re wrong? SKIP Not wrong, just incomplete. My initial analysis depended on arranging the payments by date. (SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR) However, if you convert those dates to Julian format, then run the same polyalphabetic cypher and apply a second asymmetric cypher, the message changes. SFX - KEYSTROKES, A BEAT MCGRATH “The monkey takes a smoke break?” SKIP Oops! Sorry! Forgot to apply the higher order differential and the Sergebian to English translator... ALL BUT SKIP Kidnap the princess! MCGRATH ALL THAT TO CHANGE ONE WORD? SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR SKIP This is Esmerelda Pavlik, crown princess of Val Verde. BOWDEN I remember those guys! GLORIA I’d hope so! Only last year, we saved them from imminent takeover by their war mongering neighbor nation Sergebia. MCGRATH And we never even got a thank you card. SKIP Esmerelda is, by any reasonable measure, the most popular public figure in Val Verde’s history. (SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR) Upon taking the throne three years ago, she championed a series of governmental reforms that elevated millions out of poverty, improved literacy rates nationwide, and established cycling as the nation’s official sport! BOWDEN She had me until cycling. SKIP Esmerelda is an internationally ranked cyclist who will be one of two athletes representing Val Verde in this year’s Olympics. GLORIA So you’re surmising that whoever’s received these payments has not been hired to steal the Mona Lisa, but to kidnap Princess Esmerelda? MCGRATH Even though you had to run the message through a ‘Zodiac Killer’ level of cryptobabble? SKIP Exactly. BOWDEN And have you been able to convince anyone else of your theory? SFX - DOOR OPENS ZELDA Partially. GLORIA Section Chief! MCGRATH Z, you think Skip might actually be on to something here? ZELDA I can’t say I do... but I can’t swear I don’t. And if I disregarded every hare-brained half-cocked warning he’s brought our way over the last five years, the world would have been taken over at least twice. So... Vive le France, all. SKIP Princess Esmerelda will land in Paris in approximately 48 hours. When not in the secure Olympic village, she’ll be most at risk during practice rides along the Champs Elysee. GLORIA Oooh, cycling on the Champs Elysees, neat! SKIP That’s the Olympic spirit! MCGRATH Ugh. Gag me with a torch. GLORIA Do we have any inkling just who the potential kidnappers might be? SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR SKIP The deadline for athlete substitutions at the Olympics passed two days after the final coded payment settled. And in those two days, the nation of Sergebia booked its first ever Olympic contingent! SFX - SLIDE PROJECTOR BOWDEN They grow them BIG in Sergebia. SKIP McGrath, Bowden, you two will go undercover inside the Olympic Village as American athletes, keeping close tabs on the Sergebian delegation. Sergebia and Val Verde remain mortal enemies, despite some peace talks and the polarizing emergence of the Val Verde Revolutionary Brotherhood. BOWDEN At least that explains my outfit. Though at my age, ‘sprinter’ might not be the ideal specific cover. MCGRATH Nah, you’re in fine actor shape. BOWDEN I’m sorry, ‘actor shape’? MCGRATH Fit enough to be CGI’d into actual shape. BOWDEN Brutal, but oh so fair. SKIP (getting VERY tired now) Hold on, I’m starting another sprint cycle... GLORIA Skip, would you like water, or a powergel? SKIP No thank you; my Peloton Instructor has forbidden me calories or hydration until my form improves! BOWDEN Good heavens, has this woman taught at Tisch? GLORIA Skip, why are you putting yourself through this woman’s one-wheeled tirades? SKIP Because of our cover identities, Gloria! I will pose as Canadian cyclist Wayne Ducharme, and Gloria as his trainer, Corrine L’Anglaise! While McGrath and Bowden monitor the Sergebians, we’ll keep an eye on Princess Esmerelda herself. ZELDA Since we haven’t been able to convince any other intelligence agencies of Skip’s... theory, we have little support and no clearance from the Olympics to run this operation. So if any member of the team is caught, I will have no choice but to disavow your actions, and you will be removed from the country at minimum. GLORIA Skip, are you sure about this? Neither you nor I have the best track record when it comes to maintaining relaxed covers. SKIP We needn’t interact with the other athletes, Gloria, just monitor the situation. The key will be to nip the plot before the mens race goes off. I don’t want to find myself having to actually ride in it, because-- PELOTON PATTY (ON SPEAKER) KEEP PEDALING, CHICKENANDSTARS! IN A RACE BETWEEN YOU AND A CORPSE, I’D AT LEAST TAKE THE UNDER! SKIP Well, I don’t know I’d put that fine a point on it, but... MUSIC: TRANSITION SFX: CYCLING PRACTICE ON THE STREETS OF GAY PA-REE OLYMPIC PA SPEAKER Attention athletes, please keep all practice runs within the designated cycling zones. Merci. SKIP Take a moment to soak it all in, Gloria. These people have trained their whole lives for a few short minutes manifesting in one glorious.. whoa whoa whoa! GLORIA You're going to have to keep pedaling if you want to keep that racing bike upright. SKIP Then pedal I shall. It seems to be the only movement my legs will allow at the moment. GLORIA I warned you that five straight hours on a Peloton trainer would wreak its vengeance. SKIP Oh, it was much closer to eight-- GLORIA LOOK OUT! SFX: WHOOSH PAST MILOJ Keep your eyes open, fool! GLORIA Well, that was hardly the Olympic spirit! Who was that guy! SKIP I'm not sure, but we should follow him: his bike bears the Val Verdan flag, he may lead us right to-- GLORIA PRINCESS ESMERELDA! SKIP Exactly! GLORIA NO, I MEAN LOOK OUT FOR! SFX: SMASH! SKIP Holy handlebars what a mess! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Are you all right? My goodness! You can't stand! GLORIA Oh, don't worry! That's not new! SFX - MILOJ CYCLES BACK UP MILOJ What in the Tour de France is this! Princess, are you all right?! SKIP Oh my stars, I’ve been hit by Princess Esmerelda of Val Verde! MILOJ Are there other Princess Esmereldas? PRINCESS ESMERELDA Miloj! Don’t be rude to this kind, delightful, and not too hard on the eyes gentleman. Please excuse my teammate. He tenses up in the days before a competition. MILOJ ‘A competition’ she says, like it’s not the BLOODY OLYMPICS-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA Exactly. A chance for us to not just perform at the highest level, but to fraternize, to build bridges with other nations of the world. I'm so sorry, Mister... SKIP Wayne Ducharme of Canada! MILOJ Oh. Canada. SKIP And my trainer, Corr-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA Yes, yes, charmed I’m sure... I’m so sorry, Wayne, I lost my concentration, I feel so foolish-- SKIP No, no, no, the apologies are mine! I'm sure I wasn’t where I was supposed to be-- MILOJ You're damn right you were out of-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA MILOJ! Don't get your gearshift in a twist, be polite to this... this.. dashing young man from the land of Tim Hortons. MILOJ Apologies, your majesty. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go foam roll my quads. GLORIA Is that a euphemism? SKIP I’m honestly not sure. MILOJ (as he leaves) And don’t be late to the Eiffel Tower! The event starts at 3 sharp! PRINCESS ESMERELDA UGH. Don’t remind me! The BBC is doing a photo essay of new Olympians. It’s an honor, I suppose, but it’s time away from training and no princess wants to deal with the British press... GLORIA Actually, Wayne, we have to get ready for that ourselves! SFX - GLORIA KICKS HIM SKIP Ooch! Of course we are going! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Oh. In that case, I suppose a training break might be fine. (SFX - PENCIL SCRIBBLING) Here’s my mobile, text me when you get there. These things are so much more tolerable with the right partner. Till then! Mwah! SFX - SHE LEAVES SKIP Amazing, Gloria! Did you use some sort of advanced subliminal technique to make Esmerelda change her mind about the event? GLORIA Good gravy, you can decrypt a multi-level cipher in a set of payments but you can’t see THAT? The princess is smitten with you, Skip! SKIP What?! Nooooo... GLORIA Oh no? Read her note. SKIP It’s just her number... and what looks to be her address in Paris... and... what’s that say? GLORIA ‘Anytime’. SKIP Well that’s just good old fashioned Olympic camaraderie. GLORIA In lipstick?! You know what, nevermind, let's mobilize. If there are kidnappers scouting the princess, our best chance to spot them will be in a public venue. SKIP Like a photoshoot! Great thinking, Gloria, let's go! (Groans) Uh. Um. Err… GLORIA You need help getting off the bike, don't you? SKIP These clip shoes are very clippy whoah Whoah WHOA!!!!!! SFX: A CRASH MUSIC: TRANSITION INT. THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE - DINING HALL MCGRATH Ah, the Olympic Village. A waste of French resources on par with EuroDisney, the Maginot Line, and the Jerry Lewis filmfest. BOWDEN Well, this is Dining Hall... Wow! Look at all the world cuisine! MCGRATH I LOVE THE OLYMPICS! BOWDEN Looks like, the serving line begins to the right... or you can just dive in the middle, that works... MCGRATH Hey buddy, can you pass me some of that cous cous? NIKOLAI Oh of course, here you are. MCGRATH Sure you don't want any? NIKOLAI It could never match my grandmother's, she cooks it the ancient Sergebian way; in the tears of our enemies, mixed with olive oil, of course. MCGRATH You're Sergebian! NIKOLAI Oh, please don't hold it against me... MCGRATH Hold it against you, why? I mean, apart from the fact you're taking part in an unjustly glorified leveraging of nationalistic fervor to advance capitalist dogma-- NIKOLAI It seems no one here likes the Sergebians. MCGRATH You guys do have a bit of a rep. NIKOLAI Earned, to be sure. But I am not my country, I am a simple road cyclist, who's dreamed of competing at the Olympics ever since I was a small boy watching on my grandfather's 13 inch black and white TV! BOWDEN There you are! MCGRATH I was just talking with... sorry, kid, I didn't get your name. NIKOLAI Nikolai Semyenov, Sergebian Cyclist and first time Olympian! MCGRATH My God that was sincere. Wait... are you related to Sarkis Sem-- NIKOLAI DO NOT SAY HIS NAME. It shames me to share it. MCGRATH You’re not what one expects from a Sergebian. NIKOLAI Oh, if I had a Drachlek for every time I heard that one... VYACHESLAV Nikolai! We've been looking all over for you! SERGEY There's a Sergebian team meeting! Did you not get the WhatsApp?! NIKOLAI Sorry, I lost track of time talking with my new friends... Oh, I am sorry, I did not get your names-- MCGRATH No worries about that... so you're the Sergebian Olympic Team? ALL OF THEM We are! (THEY START SINGING THE SERGEBIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM) MCGRATH OK, that's very much enough of that. VYACHESLAV Now Nikolai, say goodbye the nice international athletes and lets go! BOWDEN Sounds pretty important, this team meeting... SERGEY Indeed! Being late entrants to the games, we couldn’t set up training partnerships with other countries! Now we're scrambling to find athletes to help us practice! SFX: THEY GO MCGRATH You need a partner? My man here is just the guy! I've trained him in every sport! He can match you in anything! They call him... the understudy. QUICK TRANSITION TO THE SOUNDS OF SWIMMING BOWDEN Explain again how this is supposed to advance our leg of the mission! MCGRATH Come on, it’s the perfect way to spot an impostor in the Sergebian delegation! Anyone you can hold your own against has to be a fake! BOWDEN So I'm a reverse athleticism litmus test? I'll have you know I did all my own stunts in Universal Soldier 8: Unfinished Reckoning: The Return! MCGRATH Zip it, here come the Sergebian’s marathon swimmer. BOWDEN Can we start with just swimming swimming?! MCGRATH Oh, was there no marathon swimming in Universal Soldier 8? Go get wet! SPLASH! QUICK TRANSITION - BOWDEN GASPS FOR BREATH BOWDEN AT LAST. Did I swim the whole ten kilometers? MCGRATH Well, one length of this pool is fifty meters, so you swam thirty, dog paddled five, and managed to float the last fifteen. BOWDEN I’ll never let go, Jack, I’ll never... so where’s the Sergebian? MCGRATH Oh, he finished his thousand meters in the same time. Dude’s legit. Wait, don’t get out of the pool, the next Sergebian athlete is here. BOWDEN God, more swimming? MCGRATH Not exactly... Sergey, great to see you! Jimmy here is all ready to help you practice your water polo! SERGEY Thank you so much, Jimmy! Your friend tells me you are quite the goalie! BOWDEN Quite a what? BO STARTS GETTING PELTED WITH BALLS MCGRATH Yikes! Well, he’s no impostor, he should be pitching for the Yankees! QUICK TRANSITION TO PEDALING MCGRATH Come on, man, you're embarrassing me! Keep pedaling! BOWDEN BUT I'VE NEVER BMX'D BEFORE--WHOAH-- MCGRATH How are you wiping out before even hitting the obstacles! BOWDEN Obstacles, what-- (SFX-SLAM) UGH MCGRATH Well these guys check out. Come on Bo, three sports down, seven to go. Get on your wrestling singlet! BOWDEN Uggggghhhhhhh….. MUSIC: TRANSITION EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - DAY SFX: A PHOTOGRAPHER’S CAMERA CLICKING RAPIDLY PHOTOGRAPHER OK, Princess, closer to the bicycle, yes, work it, own it... PRINCESS ESMERELDA Holy Greg Lemond, how much longer is this going to take... MILOJ Think of the publicity, Princess! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Yes, about half the publicity we’d get if we medal... Wayne! Celine! You made it! GLORIA OK, there’s the Princess. Skip, I’m going to a perimeter scan for threats. You get close to Esmerelda and shadow her. SKIP Easier said than done, the BBC isn’t actually expecting me-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA Let him up, he’s with me, no worries, yes... come here darling! SKIP Oh my. GLORIA ‘Anytime’, Wayne. PRINCESS ESMERELDA Would you join me for this next pose? A symbol of Canadian/Val Verdan solidarity? SKIP Well, our nations share neither a border, trade agreement, or foreign policy, but... of course! PHOTOGRAPHER Very good, the lovely lady and the lovely boy, yes... closer... SKIP Isn’t that a little close... maybe let Miloj into the shot? MILOJ YES, I’M PRETTY TOO. PHOTOGRAPHER Ah, but these two, the camera loves them! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Hear that, Wayne? The camera loves us. SKIP Indeed... PHOTOGRAPHER Hold on, where did her back light go? Is there something between the princess and the-- SFX - GUNS COCK, RUNNING GLORIA GUN! BEHIND THE PRINCESS! PHOTOGRAPHER Wait, that’s not my crew! ASSAILANT Viva Sergebia! Seize the princess! SFX - BIG FIGHT ENSUES PRINCESS ESMERELDA Wayne! Celine! Behind you! Oh my! SFX: GLORIA GOES GAGA, TAKING OUT BITCHES LEFT AND RIGHT ASSAILANT Fall back! Fall back! GLORIA AND STAY GONE! All clear on my perimeter. SKIP Same. Everyone’s looking at us... GLORIA Probably because we just defeated six trained attackers. SKIP Is our cover blown? MILOJ THREE CHEERS FOR WAYNE AND CELINE, SAVIORS OF VAL VERDE! SFX: HUGE CHEERS PRINCESS ESMERELDA That was incredible! Who were those men?! GLORIA I couldn’t see, they were masked, and got away so quickly... MILOJ That one attacker ran so fast after you Jason Statham’d his shoulder! KAPOW! FANTASTIC! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Tonight, we celebrate! You’ll dine at the Val Verdan embassy! MUSIC: TRANSITION INT. OLYMPIC GYM - EVENING BOWDEN Modern pentathlon? What was wrong with the old pentathlon, must everything be rebooted? This is how you get one Road House too many! MCGRATH You’ll actually dig this. Fencing, swimming, Equestrian, running, and target shooting. BOWDEN That’s not a sport, that’s Ridley Scott’s outline for Napoleon 2! VYACHESLAV Ah, friends, thank you for coming! Our pentathletes haven had no live fencing practice in weeks! MCGRATH Too focused on the other events? VYACHESLAV No, all the swords were sent to elementary schools for compulsory military training! Now, en garde! SFX PHONE RINGS MCGRATH Hey Gloria. Wait, what? Skip was right, and you saved the Crown Princess of Val Verde?!?! God, I owe him so many credits on sushi tab for this... Bowden, well he’s had more relaxing missions... BOWDEN (Stabbed by fencing blade) OUCH! MUSIC: TRANSITION INT. VAL VERDE EMBASSY - DINING ROOM - NIGHT PRINCESS ESMERELDA A toast! To Wayne and Celine! (SFX - APPLAUSE) Now, on with a traditional eleven course Val Verdan feast! SKIP It’s best we never tell McGrath what she missed here. GLORIA Firm agreement. PRINCESS ESMERELDA Now Wayne, if you’re concerned about eating so much this close to the men’s race, I understand... SKIP Ah, Princess, you read my mind! Yes, if you don’t mind, as wonderful an honor as this is, I believe I shall take my-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA I’ve arranged a smaller meal on the private veranda just for you and I! SKIP Oh... um... ok... SFX: THEY GO MILOJ Now, for the first course... the eleven shrimp dishes! GLORIA Boiled shrimp, shrimp ceviche... MILOJ Val Verdan legend tells of the decade we survived on nothing but Shrimp, under fierce siege by those monsters the Sergebians! SFX: GRUMBLES ALL AROUND GLORIA Simon, would you please pass me the stir fry, please? SIMON Of course. (He winces in pain) GLORIA Ooh! Are you OK? SIMON Hmm oh yes yes yes... MILOJ Simon injured his shoulder tuning my racing gears earlier. GLORIA I see... (to self) ... the same shoulder I twisted on one of the would be kidnappers... SIMON Did you say something, miss? GLORIA Just how much I love shellfish! Pass those fajitas! QUICK TRANSITION INT. VAL VERDE EMBASSAY - PRIVATE OFFICE GLORIA (Calling off) Sorry, my Canadian metabolism can only handle so much non-chowder seafood! But I’ll manage to find the ladies room! Thanks! SFX DOOR CLOSES GLORIA Something weird is going on here, I have to find Skip. OK, where am I... an office. Good, there must be a door or fire escape or some... (SFX - SHE BANGS HER FOOT) OUCH! Who leaves a wooden box in the middle of an office? What the... hold on, it’s full of fake French Surete uniforms! And here’s a metallic cylinder wrapped in copper wire... and there’s something under all of this too, it’s... oh NO. It can’t be! I have to find Skip right-- SFX: SOMEONE GRABS GLORIA GLORIA (Struggling) Let me go! Oh... chloroform... but who... QUICK TRANSITION INT. VAL VERDE EMBASSY - PRIVATE DINING ROOM SKIP My oh my, the detail on these inlaid murals... PRINCESS ESMERELDA Laid by expert Val Verdan craftsmen! This one tells the story of how Val Verde once survived a whole year eating nothing but turnips while under... PRINCESS ESMERELDA ... our folklore does tend to revolve around a common theme. SKIP Princess? Are you OK? PRINCESS ESMERELDA Hm? Oh, yes. I went somewhere just now, didn’t I? See, when I qualified for these games, I was elated, a chance to represent my homeland on the world stage... I didn’t realize just how much push back there’d be from my own people. SKIP Are the Val Verdans not excited to have their own princess representing them in the Olympics? PRINCESS ESMERELDA Some are. But others... Val Verde is a beautiful country, I love it dearly. But generations have been taught perpetual victimhood. That life is best lived head down. I’d hoped to change that here, but a kidnapping attempt... many back home who will use it as an argument to keep our heads in the sand. SKIP But part of being a player on the world stage is embracing some element of risk! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Exactly! How can we grow as a people if we don’t shed our reputation for timidity! SKIP You’re showing your people the path to a brighter future, and they should be proud of you for--WOW you got right up next me SO quickly-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA It’s the best way to shed a reputation for timidity... SKIP On the other hand there are some valid pro-timidity arguments-- SFX: A DOOR OPENS MILOJ Princess-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA REALLY, MILOJ?!?! MILOJ Am I interrupting? MILOJ My apologies, I just wanted to offer your dining partner a ride back to the Olympic Village. After all, our race is tomorrow. SKIP That’s quite kind, Miloj, but I couldn’t leave without-- MILOJ Miss Corrine? She left the embassy a few minutes ago, said she would catch up with you tomorrow. SKIP That’s... odd. MILOJ I’ve seen little tonight that isn’t. SFX: MILOJ AND THE PRINCESS EXIT. SKIP DIALS HIS PHONE. MGRATH (ON PHONE) Skip, thank God. I’ll give you a million guesses what’s going on. Nevermind, they’re all wrong. I-- SKIP (OVER COMMS) Not now, McGrath... have you or Bo heard from Gloria? MUSIC: TRANSITION EXT. ARCHERY RANGE - NIGHT GLORIA (Waking and Groggy) Uhhh... uuuuurgh... chloroform... MILOJ It leaves quite the hangover, doesn’t it? GLORIA Miloj. I should have known. MILOJ I admit, your disguise was clever. No one pays attention to Canada at the Summer Olympics. But believe me, you and ‘Wayne’ won’t be clever enough to foil our plans. GLORIA Your plans involving that phony Mona Lisa I found your office? PRINCESS ESMERELDA It’s a little gender-normative to assume it was his office, no? GLORIA Princess Esmerelda?!?! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Didn’t see that one coming, did you? GLORIA No, but I can see your plan, plain as the mullet on Miloj's head. MILOJ Hey! Business in the front, party in the-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA MILOJ. Not now. GOD. GLORIA That cylinder wrapped in electrical wiring hidden with your forged Mona Lisa? Any self-respecting spy knows an OG-6792 portable electromagnetic pulse bomb when they see one. And the mens cycling race goes right past the Louvre. PRINCESS ESMERELDA We were right about this one. She is the brains of the two. GLORIA And now French security is paying less attention to the museum. PRINCESS ESMERELDA We knew someone in the intelligence world would crack the second layer of the code. Now everyone’s convinced the threat to the Mona Lisa is passed. GLORIA So when Miloj detonates the EMP during the race and knocks out Louvre security, your men in their phony Surete uniforms will swoop in, swap your phony painting for the real one, and then... PRINCESS ESMERELDA Yes, and then? MILOJ She hasn't figured out the getaway, has she? GLORIA I will, as soon as I get out of... (SFX Struggles) Wait, where am I-- and what’s this his huge block of foam I’m tied to? MILOJ Don’t struggle too much. Soon enough, you’ll get the point. PRINCESS ESMERELDA In fact, these archery targets are so thin that, come morning... you should get many points. GLORIA No, not again with the chloro... MUSIC: TRANSITION INT. THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE - MORNING MCGRATH Gloria hasn’t checked in with Z. BOWDEN And the Olympic authorities haven’t seen her, though to be fair, ‘youngish, slim, attractive, foreign blonde’ doesn’t narrow the field much at present. SKIP What a disaster; if I don’t report for the men’s race, our covers are blown! We’ll be kicked out of the country before we find her! BOWDEN And let’s be honest, if you do run that race, your cover will be blown six seconds after it starts! SKIP Oh, it’s true, I’ve failed myself, my team, and Peloton Patty! MCGRATH Hold on. I’ve got one last idea. SFX - PHONE RINGS, SOMEONE ANSWERS ATHENA (ON PHONE) You’ve reached Athenacorp, how can you help me? MCGRATH (to Skip and Bo, soft) Did I say good idea?! No! Now keep your spandex on and lemme cook! (back to Athena) Hey, it’s me. Listen, how quickly could you be in Paris? ATHENA (ON PHONE) Are you joking? I'm already here. The moment competitive breakdancing made the games, I bought an entire luxury box. MCGRATH Remember when you told me about that... project of yours for smaller Olympic countries? QUICK TRANSITION INT. A GARAGE SOMEWHERE IN PARIS - MORNING ATHENA Behold the Athena-nator 3000. It looks like an Olympic-standard road bike but contains a tiny atomic engine in the gearshift. MCGRATH I can't believe you went ahead and built this. ATHENA Oh really? Finland bought six. Anyway, Granger, this will keep those swizzle stick legs of yours in competition with the big boys for as long as you need. SKIP Skip Granger is a big boy. ATHENA Aww, who told you that, your mom? (a beat) Oh God it was. Welp, that's all the pathos I can handle for today, back to the Women’s Bronze medal battle for me! When you crash and burn, leave my name out of it. MCGRATH Skip, get to the starting line, I'll check in with Bo. QUICK TRANSITION INT. OLYMPIC VILLAGE - MORNING BOWDEN It’s not going well, McGrath, this is my third loop around the Olympic Village, no one has seen hide nor-- VYACHESLAV Friend, wait! Where are you going! The pentathlon is in two days! We need your genius! BOWDEN Sorry guys, it’ll have to wait. Someone very important to me is missing, I’d tell you more, but-- VYACHESLAV SAY NO MORE! It is our fencing that must wait! SERGEY It is the Sergebian code of honor! You have taught us so much, we must repay you now! BOWDEN I can’t ask you to do that, you’ve four other sports to practice! VYACHESLAV One of which is Equestrian! Sergebians, we ride! SFX: HORSES WHINNY, THEY RIDE OFF MUSIC: TRANSITION EXT. MEN’S CYCLING RACE - MORNING CHIP ESTERHOUSE Well hello everyone! I’m Chip Esterhouse. COREY CHAMPLAIN And I’m NASCAR legend Corey Champlain. CHIP ESTERHOUSE - and we’re live at the Men’s Road Cycling final, a 200km marathon that takes hours to complete, so expect most of this to be cut for broadcast! COREY CHAMPLAIN But we will definitely show the race as it passes such Parisian icons as the Champs D’Elysees, the Eifel Tower, and the Louvre! SKIP OK Skip, deep breaths. I’m sure Athena wouldn’t build an atomic engine with too high a risk of meltdown... possibly... SFX GUNSHOT, CHEERS, THE RACE IS OFF CHIP ESTERHOUSE And the men are off, with... Miloj Rollatini of Val Verde out to a commanding lead! Then comes a tight pack with Ducharme of Canada brining up the far, faaaaar rear. SKIP Time to fire up this engine, here are the instructions on the handlebars, right where Athena said to look... they’re in FINNISH!?!? COREY CHAMLAIN A bold move by Ducharme to open the race this slowly, he’s clearly saving energy for a big move. SKIP How hard can it be, this lever is clearly the accelerator and WHOOOOOOOOAH-- CHIP ESTERHOUSE AND THERE’S THAT BIG MOVE FROM DUCHARME, he’s coming up faster than a bad enchilada! QUICK TRANSITION EXT. STREETS OF PARIS - MORNING SFX - HORSES GALLOP BOWDEN We’ve checked the natatorium, the Seine, the skeet shooting range, no sign of her... VYACHESLAV And Vyacheslav checked the archery range, yes? SERGEY I thought you checked the archery range! QUICK TRANSITION EXT. ARCHERY RANGE - MORNING GLORIA (Coming to again) Ugh.... Ugh... LOUDSPEAKER VOICE Archers prepare for round 1. GLORIA Gotta shake of this chlorofrom headache, I have maybe five minutes before they start firing... (SFX THWACK/CHEERS) Or perhaps five seconds. How long between shots, I wonder... (SFX THWACK/CHEERS) Oh, give a girl a break! (SFX THWACK/HUGE CHEERS) YIKES! That penetrated all the way through and just missed me... OK, wait. These are the best archers in the world. If I presume that big cheer was for a bullseye, I can help my ropes right next the that arrow and hope the next archer is just as-- (SFX THWACK/HUGE CHEERS) YES! A clean break! Whatever country you shoot for, sir or madam, I owe your Olympic Committee a hugh cash donation-- (SFX THWACK/CHEERS) BUT NOT NOW! WAIT! WAIT! SFX - GALLOPING LOUDSPEAKER VOICE ALL ATHLETES HOLD FIRE, WE HAVE MODERN PENTATHLETES ON THE RANGE! BOWDEN There she is! Behind the target! SERGEY Your friend lives dangerously! GLORIA Bowden! Horseback? Taking the ride to my rescue idiom a little far! VYACHESLAV That is on us, madam, we owed your friend a debt of honor! GLORIA Well if you’re looking to repay it, get us to the cycling venue! QUICK TRANSITION EXT. MEN’S CYCLING RACE - MORNING CHIP ESTERHOUSE It’s still Rollatini of Val Verde in the lead, but with Ducharme of Canada running a hot second-- MCGRATH (OVER COMMS) Skip? Skip, maintaining your cover is one thing but winning an actual medal might draw some scrutiny-- GLORIA (OVER COMMS) McGrath, come in, it’s me! MCGRATH Gloria! Thank God you’re ok... Do I hear galloping?! QUICK TRANSITION INT. THE LOUVRE - MORNING COREY CHAMPLAIN Now the race approaches the Louvre! LOUVRE SECURITY GUY Oh, I’m so glad they lowered our security status, otherwise I’d have never had main entrance detail and would have missed this race! Here they come! Let me turn up the TV... CHIP ESTERHOUSE It’s Rollatini in the lead as the group passes the Louvre-- SFX - A WEIRD PULSE, THE TV GOES DEAD LOUVRE SECURITY GUY Wha... what? A power outage, now? SFX - MARCHING BOOTS ENTER THE LOUVRE LOUVRE SECURITY GUY Stop! No one may enter the Louvre, our electricity is out and so are our security measures-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA Never fear, we are Surete special police! LOUVRE SECURITY GUY Wow, you got here quick-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA We had a tip something like this might go down today; bring us to the Mona Lisa! QUICK TRANSITION EXT. STREETS OF PARIS - MORNING GLORIA (ON COMMS) You and Skip have to find and stop Miloj the Val Verdan before he can-- SFX - A WEIRD PULSE, COMMS GOES DEAD MCGRATH Gloria? Gloria?! Crap, that sounded like an EMP burst... and if it was that would mean -- OH NO -- QUICK TRANSITION TO THE MIDDLE OF THE RACE - WE HEAR THAT WEIRD PULSE ONE MORE TIME, THEN SKIP’S BIKE POWERS DOWN SKIP Um... did I trip a failsafe? Come on, engine, fire back up! COREY CHAMPLAIN Something’s suddenly wrong with Ducharme! I don't know if he’s injured, but he's losing ground faster than the Green Party in Texas! QUICK TRANSITION INT. THE LOUVRE - SAME LOUVRE SECURITY GUY Here is the Mona Lisa room, can we hurry this up, I don’t want to miss more of the... ugh ugh, (SFX - COLLAPSES) PRINCESS ESMERELDA My chloroform rag got a workout this week. Simon! Get to work while I change into my disguise. QUICK TRANSITION EXT. MEN’S CYCLING RACE - SAME CHIP ESTERHOUSE Ducharme is passing the Louvre but seems hopelessly out of contention! SKIP Hamstrings--- seizing-- MCGRATH Hey! Wayne! Take a pit stop! CHIP ESTERHOUSE Ducharme pulls over, could he be out of the race?! SKIP McGrath, something is wrong with-- MCGRATH It’s not the bike; someone set off an EMP. Fortunately, my satchel is a Farraday bag I stole from Athena, and I always keep a spare comms set in there. So put these on! SKIP Why? MCGRATH The last thing Gloria said before she cut out was that we had to stop Miloj, and now there’s only one way you can catch up to him! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) CHICKENANDSTARS WHAT’S THIS WHINING I HEAR ABOUT YOU NOT BEING ABLE TO KEEP UP! DO AS I SAY, YOU PATHETIC WORM, AND YOU’LL WIN WHATEVER THE HELL THIS THING IS~ SKIP YES PELOTON PATTY! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) FASTER CHICKENANDSTARS, KILL KILL KILL! COREY CHAMPLAIN And holy smokes, here comes Wayne Ducharme! I don't know what's gotten into him, but he's gaining ground faster than the Green Party in Texas if they ran Willie Nelson! AND WHY HAS NO ONE THOUGHT OF THAT! QUICK TRANSITION INT. THE LOUVRE - SAME SIMON Princess, here is the painting! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Such a small thing that’s going to bring such a huge change. Roll her up, slide her into my handlebars! Time to join a cycling race. QUICK TRANSITION EXT. MEN’S CYCLING RACE - SAME PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) AND PUMP TWO THREE FOUR/DON’T DIE TWO THREE FOUR-- SKIP I’m making it... I’m... wait... there’s a bicycle joining the race from the side of the Louvre! PELOTON PATTY WHAT’S THAT TO ME, CHICKENANDSTARS, KEEP PEDALING-- SKIP Wait... that rider’s the Princess! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) Are you hallucinating, chickenandstars?! FINALLY, SOME REAL PROGRESS! SKIP Princess! Are you in danger?! PRINCESS ESMERELDA What? Who’s--- WHAT!?! SKIP PRINCESS, I NEED YOUR HELP, WE HAVE TO CATCH MILOJ FOR SOME REASON! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) WOW, YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND AND I AM HERE FOR IT! SFX - SOME SERIOUS PEDALING AND GASPING FOR BREATH PRINCESS ESMERELDA I don’t know how you’re still in this race but you are not ruining this plam, not when I’m so close! SFX - GUN COCK! BUT THEN HORSES RUN UP! GLORIA There she is! BOWDEN RIDE, SERGEBIANS! CHIP ESTERHOUSE AND WHOA NELLIE, the Sergebian Modern Pentathlon team is on the course! Look, I realize Pentathlon gets even less airtime than cycling, but don't muscle in on anyone else's moment! SERGEY Sergebian pentathletes, block her! PRINCESS ESMERELDA Oh no you don’t! A road bike is way more maneuverable than a horse! VYACHESLAV She’s slipping past us! PRINCESS ESMERELDA HA HA, I’M FREE AND CLEAR-- SFX - SKIP PLOWS INTO HER BIKE, SENDING EVERYONE FLYING PELOTON PATTY FROM NOW ON, CHICKENANDSTARS! THAT’S HOW YOU RIDE! SFX - INTERPOL SWARMS THE SCENE INTERPOL AGENT This is Interpol! Princess Esmerelda, you’re under arrest! SKIP What? She’s what? For what?! SFX - THE GANG RUNS UP MCGRATH Oh, there’s a whole list! BOWDEN Faking her own kidnapping-- GLORIA The attempted murder of me by Olympic archers-- MCGRATH Setting off a EMP in the middle of Paris-- VYACHESLAV Crimes against fashion, that cycling suit clashes with her hair! PRINCESS ESMERELDA HOW DARE YOU, SERGEBIAN DOG!! SFX - THE AGENT PULLS THE MONA LISA FROM THE BIKE INTERPOL AGENT And stealing the Mona Lisa! ALL BUT SKIP Oh right/That too/Should have led with that one... SKIP Wait... if she staged her own kidnapping and stole the Mona Lisa... then both of my codebrekas were accurate! I was right twice! ALL BUT SKIP FOCUS SKIP! PRINCESS ESMERELDA YES, YES, FINE! I DID IT! SKIP But everything you said about inspiring your people-- PRINCESS ESMERELDA Inspire them, don’t make me laugh! I’ve done everything I could to show them the light, STILL they see themselves as naught but victims! The proceeds from the black market sale of the Mona Lisa would have revitalized our military, let us wipe Sergebia off the map! We’d have finally been a proper country instead of a laughing stock! SKIP Mongering war to stop warmongers is a losing game, Princess. I’m sorry you had to learn that the hard way. MCGRATH I think this qualifies as the exhausting way. SKIP Take her away, agents. INTERPOL AGENT We don’t work for you, she’s already gone. SKIP I see. Excellent work. MCGRATH Well, I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson today. SKIP Always trust my codebreaking and deductive abilities? MCGRATH Always steal Athena O’Brien’s custom handbags whenever possible. BOWDEN I thought it was "To thine own self be true." GLORIA I thought it was that Interpol has a two-hour response time. MCGRATH By the way, where is my backup comms unit? SKIP Hmmm... it must have gotten knocked off of me in the fray... QUICK TRANSITION EXT. MEN’S CYCLING RACE - FURTHER DOWN THE LINE CHIP ESTERHOUSE Now the men’s cyclists are making their final moves, and the man in front is Nikolai Semyonov of Sergebia, who’s been a machine since passing the Louvre! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) AND PUMP TWO THREE FOUR, GO NIKOLAI (SERGEBIAN 1) TWO THREE FOUR-- NIKOLAI Inspire me, Patty of Planet Peloton! I can’t believe my luck, finding you on the roadside! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) DESTINY HAS BROUGHT US TOGETHER! NIKOLAI (SERGEBIAN 1) I MEAN TO WIN THE OLYMPICS! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) YOUR ACCENT MAKES ME SO HOT! PEDAL BABY! MUSIC: END CREDITS MISSION VOICE Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by John Dowgin and J. Michael DeAngelis and directed by Pete Barry and J. Michael DeAngelis It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovack Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Katerina McGrath as The Mission Voice Also Starring Ashley Banks as Athena O'Brien Jill Ivey as Peleton Patty and the Photographer and Bob Killion as Miloj and Security Guy Guest Starring J. Michael DeAngelis as NSA Advisor and Nikolai Helen Gard as Princess Esmerelda Pete Barry as Athlete 1 and Corey Champlain John Dowgin as Athlete 2 Dave Serfass as Simon and Chip Esterhouse and special guest star Jim Iorio as O.G. Music and lyrics by Pete Barry. Sound editing and mixing by John Dowgin. Ah, The Olympics. A time to stop and wonder at the sheer athleticism and sportsmanship of the planet's elite competitors - and the only time it's legal to broadcast ribbon dancing on TV. It would all be such great TV if it weren't for the endless commercials. Luckily, for as little as $1 per month, you can listen to this broadcast totally ad-free by supporting us on Patreon. Visit http://missionrejected.com/support for more info. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2024 Extraordinary Missions Limited. EXT. MEN’S CYCLING RACE - FINISH LINE SFX - CHEERS! MUSIC: SERGEBIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM CHIP ESTERHOUSE And Olympic Gold goes to Nikolai Semyonov of Sergebia! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) WE DID IT! NIKOLAI PATRICIA OF PLANET PELOTON-- PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) I’m from Schenectady, actually-- NIKOLAI WILL YOU MARRY ME! PELOTON PATTY (OVER COMMS) YES! YES! A THOUSAND TIMES YES! NIKOLI OH YOU MAKE ME HAPPIEST MAN IN WORLD! CAN I GET A GREEN CARD? MUISC: STINGER

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