612: Yo Mama Never Dies

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Season Six, Episode Twelve: “Yo Mama Never Dies” Transcript INT. ATHENACORP ROOM 1729 - NIGHT Chet dozes, strapped down by restraints. Unsettling nanobot sounds everywhere. CHET (murmuring in his sleep) ...best spy in the world...best spy in the world...stop calling me Mister Doe! The door to the room opens, and Chet jerks awake. ATHENA Show time, Terry! Get in here! CHET Whhh...Athena! ATHENA (startled) Are you kidding me? CHET You can see me?!? ATHENA I don’t know what auto-erotic nonsense you’ve been up to in here, Mister Janitor, but you’ve caused me no end of grief. CHET You’ve had me tied up in here for weeks - ATHENA Thanks to you, I’ve had to speed up my timeline. It’s too late to fix it now so sit there and shut up. TERRY. Terry DRAGS IN a large piece of equipment. TERRY I’m coming I’m coming I CHET! ATHENA Ignore him. Where’s the rest of my machine? TERRY Right behind me. A large ROBOT, led by MINI-MCGRATH, rolls into the room. MINI-MCGRATH Follow the leader, big guy! To me my board! ATHENA How many robots do you need to do your own physical labor? TERRY As many as neces - we can’t do this here, with Chet! Why did you make me drag twelve pieces of heavy machinery across the hallway? CHET What machinery? What are you building? ATHENA We’re not setting up in this room. TERRY Good. ATHENA They’re going up here. She pulls down an ACCESS LADDER. TERRY TO THE ROOF?!? ATHENA Get dragging. She starts to climb. CHET Athena! There are nanobots in your brain! ATHENA I told you, that’s not possible. CHET They’re controlled by the Admiral! Your father’s alive! Athena LUNGES AT HIM and starts to CHOKE HIM! ATHENA I’ve heard some pitiful con-jobs before but I should tear the tongue out of your mouth for that kind of lie. CHET Please... Athena ROUNDHOUSES him, leaving him stunned! ATHENA MOVE IT, TERRY OR YOU’RE NEXT! TERRY Yes ma’am! Athena climbs. Chet recovers a little CHET Terry! You gotta stop her - TERRY I can’t. MINI-MCGRATH Not with that attitude! CHET Your nanobot swarm is plugged into her brain. TERRY But she subjects herself to EMP bursts daily! How could the nanobots survive? CHET You built them, you tell me. TERRY I suppose...they could have built a kind of docking station in her brain. She could destroy the nanites currently in her brain, but then others would quickly take their place. CHET The Admiral’s plugged into the other side of the swarm. TERRY The Admiral? What do you know about the Admiral? CHET He’s still alive. Kind of. TERRY Has he...spoken to you? CHET Not directly. TERRY So you don’t know what his plans are. ATHENA (FROM ABOVE) Terry! MINI-MCGRATH Get moving! I want to do the hokey pokey! TERRY Coming, Miss O’Brien! Come, Terrybot. I’ll carry you up. MINI-MCGRATH Piggy-back! CHET Terry you have to stop the Admiral from making Athena do...whatever you two are doing! TERRY(to Chet, smiling) ...it may be difficult to secure your release, Chet. CHET ...you’re in on it, you son of a bitch. TERRY Who’s the jailer now? Terry laughs as he ascends the ladder. Thunder sounds up above, as we transition to... EXT. ATHENACORP ROOF - CONTINUOUS Athena banging away at equipment. ATHENA Mother f-ing...stupid...TerryCorp tech. A slithering sound swirls around Athena. It’s the nanobots. They speak with her mother’s voice. ATHENA What’s going on? What is this? GHOST MARINA Patience, my daughter. We are so close now. Athena’s tone changes slightly: a little wide-eyed. ATHENA Mom? Mommy? GHOST MARINA I am here, Athena. ATHENA (laughing a little) I can hear you so clearly now! GHOST MARINA We will be together again soon. Build my machine. Bring me back and together...we will reign supreme. Athena and “her mother” laugh - one brightly, one dangerously. MUSIC: THEME SONG! MISSION VOICE Mission: Rejected. The story of the world’s most secret agents...the backups. Tonight’s episode: Yo Mama Never Dies. INT. THE SURVIVAL BUBBLE - UNDER THE SEA Deep in the ocean, in the wreckage of New Atlantis... Scratch scratch. KRISTATOS Day two hundred and forty-six. Well. It was a good run. He SWIGS something from a bottle. The Admiral GASPS, returning to life. ADMIRAL Good morrow, Kristatos! KRISTATOS Oh good. You’re alive again. ADMIRAL What are you imbibing, old bean? KRISTATOS Poteen. Potato whiskey. ADMIRAL Might I bum a swig? KRISTATOS Please. Take it all. He DUMPS the liquor all over the Admiral. ADMIRAL I like a shower as much as the next man, Kristatos, but your self-brewed whiskey is rather potent - KRISTATOS You seem to be unkillable, Fletcher. The nanites repair your mutated brain and body no matter how many times I bludgeon you to death. And now I am aware that you have been influencing Athena. ADMIRAL I see! And so this odoriferous alcohol bath is the best you can do to snub me? Well, it is quite rank! KRISTATOS Yes. And even better, it is quite flammable. Kristatos STRIKES A MATCH. ADMIRAL Now hold on old boy - KRISTATOS I doubt the nanites can rebuild a charred husk. ADMIRAL You’ll burn the station! You’ll kill yourself! KRISTATOS You will not have a hold over Athena for one moment longer - AAH! The whole station LURCHES! Kristatos falls! The ADMIRAL LAUGHS! KRISTATOS What is happening? ADMIRAL You’re too late, old fellow! You should have tried to burn me long ago! KRISTATOS How are you moving this chamber? It is beyond the repair of your bots! ADMIRAL Repairing this chamber is beyond their abilities, yes...but they have been working on a different set of repairs for quite some time! Something outside CREAKS and CHURNS WATER! KRISTATOS The Russet! It’s rising! ADMIRAL Our ship, Kristatos! It will drag us to the surface with it! KRISTATOS STOP YOU MANIAC! ADMIRAL RAISE THE MAST AND START THE ENGINES, MY MICROSCOPIC CREW! RISE FROM THE SEA FLOOR, MY LOYAL BOAT! THE SS RUSSET SAILS AGAIN! And the Admiral laughs as the ocean roars and the S.S. Russet rises... INT. EMF CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY SFX: Beepity beep boop. General chaos. ZELDA Alright, let’s have some order, people. BOWDEN Thank you, Zelda. I’m just so thrilled to share with you all that I am up for a MAJOR role in the new Detective Pikachu spin-off - “Murder She Squirtled”! MCGRATH That’s dumb! It should be “Squirtle She Murdered”. GLORIA How many Squirtles can you murder? Squirder? ZELDA People - SKIP A LOT. I mean, technically, in the games, you only knock them unconscious... MCGRATH BUT IT’S MURDER. I’m not afraid to say it. Come at me, Big Nintendo. GLORIA I mean, isn’t the whole franchise basically cockfighting? ZELDA PLEASE let’s move on. BOWDEN Alright, but I’ll be deep in character as Sheriff Staryu. MISSION VOICE Is it ALWAYS like this? ZELDA This is pretty manageable, if I’m honest. MISSION VOICE And you wonder why I never come up here. GLORIA What are doing up here? Not that it’s not lovely to see you. BOWDEN (Old West voice) I ask the questions around here, missy. SKIP Staryu would NOT talk like that. ZELDA Don’t instigate! (To Mission Voice) Please, proceed. MISSION VOICE For most of the past year, former Special Agent Chet Phillips has been embedded back at the EMF...as the janitor. GLORIA Embedded on whose authority? MISSION VOICE On...his own, honestly. It was his hope to weasel his way back into going on missions. MCGRATH This explains a lot actually. This place has gotten filthy. And if I’M saying it, you know it’s bad. SKIP Zelda, did YOU know Chet was the janitor? ZELDA I’m the Section Chief, Skip. Do you think I don’t know who has access to our top secret facility? SKIP But you didn’t tell me. ZELDA You’re a spy. Maybe you should have figured it out. MCGRATH Oooh! Sick burn, Z. Up top! SFX: Zelda and McGrath high five. MISSION VOICE There is far too much frivolity in this briefing for my liking. ZELDA What I DIDN’T know was that you had decided to aid him on an unsanctioned mission. You and me, missy, are gonna have a talk about what your job entails. GLORIA But right now, I think we need to know what “mission” he was on. MISSION VOICE Recently, various agencies reported picking up this unidentified signal... SFX: Mission Voice flips a switch and the signal begins to play. MISSION VOICE After several false starts, Phillips was able to pinpoint its origin here... SFX: Slide projector click. MCGRATH Athena Corps Headquarters! BOWDEN (Old West voice) You’ll never find a more vile hive of scum and villainy. GLORIA Wrong franchise, dear. SKIP What else has Agent Phillips uncovered? MISSION VOICE I...don’t know. We haven’t had contact with Agent Phillips in some time now. We know he went in, but Athena denies he’s there. MCGRATH Wait. You talked to Athena? How did that go? MISSION VOICE (Very dry) She loved me. Everyone loves me. I’m very lovable. BOWDEN (Old West voice) I’d never murder your Squirtle, ma’am. MISSION VOICE Bowden, I find your adherence to fantasy disturbing. BOWDEN My apologies. MCGRATH Please come to more briefings. GLORIA So the plan is simple, yes? We go in, grab Chet, try to find out everything he knows about this signal, and get out. ZELDA IF he’s there. As was said, Athena denies seeing him. We all know better than to take her at her word, but, you never know. MCGRATH You were tracking the signal? MISSION VOICE Yes. MCGRATH Gimme a keyboard. SFX: Furious typing. MCGRATH Weird. It seems to be piggybacking onto something else. MISSION VOICE Phillips concluded the signal could be in found reverberating inside most Athena Corps tech. MCGRATH Which is really Terry Corps tech...which means...oh, holy cannoli... SFX: Furious typing. The signal fluctuates, and it sounds now as if two separate signals are combining, until a voice breaks through the static. MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) You put your left foot in! You take your left foot out! You take your left foot in and you shake it all about! Look at your dumb foot! MCGRATH Mini McGrath! MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around! SKIP McGrath, can you send as well as receive? MCGRATH Mini McGrath, can you hear me? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) That’s what it’s all about! MCGRATH Hey, kiddo, where are you? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) Hi, mom. Next verse! You put your left buttock in. You take your left buttock out. MCGRATH Ugh, I’m starting to remember when I tossed her out. I wanted a little friend not a little chaos generator. MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) I have new friends now. Friend, say hello to mother. TERRY MILLIONAIRE (THROUGH SIGNAL) Mother? No, Terry Bot, I keep telling you...I am your father. SKIP Terry Millionaire! GLORIA The former philanthropist billionaire! BOWDEN He left us to DIE at the bottom of the ocean! (Old West voice) I’ve got a score to settle with him. TERRY MILLIONAIRE (THROUGH SIGNAL) Who’s there? Terry Bot, are you watching Deadwood reruns again? MCGRATH Mini-McGrath, momma needs to know what you’re doing, okay? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) The hokey pokey! You put your right middle finger in. You take your right middle finger out. You put your right middle finger and you shake it all about. MCGRATH I’m locked on. She’s definitely at Athena Corps. MISSION VOICE Has your little robot doppelgänger seen Chet? MCGRATH Mini-McGrath, is Chet Phillips with you? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) He’s tied up downstairs in the garbage! He won’t shut up! She plays a RECORDING OF CHET and TERRY: CHET (RECORDED IN SIGNAL) (// indicates static) Terry! You gotta stop her // your nanobot swarm is plugged into her brain // controlled by the Admiral! BOWDEN THE ADMIRAL? He’s alive? GLORIA No. Noooo! He and Kristatos definitely sank to the bottom of the ocean. We all saw it! No one could have survived that. ZELDA Death never seems to be much of an obstacle for The Admiral. Unfortunately. MCGRATH Mini-McGrath, where are you? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) I’m on the roof where it’s dangerous to play! Come up here, mom, and all the moms can do the hokey pokey! Put your left malleus in. Take your left malleus out. MCGRATH What do you mean ALL the moms? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) The scary lady is cloning her mother. Because you can’t do the hokey pokey alone! ZELDA Did I hear that right? Is Athena trying to clone Marina O’Brien? GLORIA And that’s...bad? I mean, ignoring any ethical debates about cloning. ZELDA She died before anyone could prove it, but it was suspected she was the real power behind Kristatos. SKIP Oh no...it all makes sense now. GLORIA WHAT does? SKIP Athena! All those months saying I was a clone! BOWDEN That was definitely odd, but how does she go from suspecting you’re a clone to building one of her own? MCGRATH If her brain has been plugged into the nanite swarm, controlled by the Admiral clone sending subconscious message into her head - BOWDEN She could be plagued by recurring thoughts of clones! SKIP But what would the Admiral want? GLORIA (obviously) What would a failing Admiral clone want Athena to build him a cloning device for? MINI-MCGRATH (THROUGH SIGNAL) One more for hokey pokey! SKIP Ah. MISSION VOICE Let me get this straight. Noted supervillain Athena O’Brien is on the roof of her heavily secured headquarters trying to Frankenstein her supervillain mother back to life with the help of Terry Millionaire, also a noted super villain, unaware that they’re helping to resurrect Admiral H.R.R. Fletcher who is...oh what’s the phrase I’m looking for? Oh yes. A NOTED SUPER VILLAIN. MCGRATH Yeah. That pretty much nails it. MISSION VOICE Well. I picked a hell of a day to step outside. Saddle up. Lock and load. MUSIC: TRANSITION EXT. THE WHARF - NIGHT A POLICE OFFICER approaches the LIEUTENANT, who steps onto the pier. OFFICER Lieutenant! I think you’d better talk to this guy. LIEUTENANT I’m busy, here! OFFICER It’s some dock supervisor down at pier 34. LIEUTENANT What’s the problem? OFFICER He says the S.S. Russet just arrived! LIEUTENANT The what now? The HARBORMASTER approaches. He’s a salty old sea dog. HARBORMASTER A lost ship, sir, gone down in the Pacific six years ago! It’s just dragged its carcass into the harbor, hauling some strange and broken container. And on the wind, the cries of the damned! Tis a ship full of ghosts, sir! LIEUTENANT Ah, a ghost ship, is it? Why don’t you head on down to the bar, harbormaster, and get yourself a nice tall AAAAAAAA The S.S. Russet CRASHES INTO THE PIER, splintering wood and sending the cops scattering! HARBORMASTER Remember the harbormaster! OFFICER Lieutenant, look! The NANOBOT SWARM twitters away into the sky. The MECHANICAL LAUGHTER of the ADMIRAL follows like a ghost! LIEUTENANT Son? OFFICER Yes, sir? LIEUTENANT I think I need a drink. OFFICER Me too. KRISTATOS HELP! WHERE AM I? Kristatos comes flopping up off the deck of the ship. OFFICER Great Scott! LIEUTENANT It IS a ghost ship! KRISTATOS SHUT UP. You must stop that swarm of machines! OFFICER You mean that weird cloud? LIEUTENANT Looks like it’s heading downtown. Towards one of the taller buildings. KRISTATOS Athenacorp. They’re after Athena! He struggles to get past the cops, but they grab him! KRISTATOS I must get to my daughter! She is in danger! OFFICER What do we look like, Uber? KRISTATOS I must find a car...or a van...like that one...wait...is that my PADDYWAGON? LIEUTENANT That van? That’s been sitting at this wharf with a boot on it for six years! It’s basically an art installation at this point! OFFICER We don’t know who left it here, but HEY! KRISTATOS This is my vehicle, and I am reclaiming it! OFFICER It’s not going drive with that boot on it - LIEUTENANT AAAAH! Kristatos DRIVES it anyway, making a HORRIBLE CRUNCHING noise as it goes. KRISTATOS I must follow that swarm and save my daughter! He’s gone. OFFICER You wanna get that drink now? LIEUTENANT It’s on me. MUSICAL TRANSITION TRANSITION TO THE CITY STREETS We're outside Athenacorp, and it's chaos. A crowd of onlookers watches a violent electric storm engulfing the top of the tower. BRYCE Kyle, hurry! We have to get home before the rain starts, I don't have it in me to traipse through Trader Joes for charcuterie ingredients a second time. KYLE I barely had it in me once... BRYCE What was that? KYLE Bryce, hold on, I'm not sure this is a natural storm... The swarm of nanites flies over, drawing screams. BRYCE Are those insects swarming AthenaCorp? KYLE They look like some sort of nanotech... BRYCE THAT'S IT! You can vent all you want on me, but don't you dare take any of your frustrations out on my granny! KYLE What? Bryce, I just said... no, nanotech! NANO-tech, I didn't mean anything about your nanna.... BRYCE Don't try to justify yourself, let's just get home, please! This chicken isn’t going to cook itself! KYLE (under his breath) Chicken again. Great. SFX - AS THEY FADE OUT, A VEHICLE APPROACHES AND THE WHOLE SQUAD EXITS. SKIP Nice driving, Gloria. You got us here in record time. GLORIA She’s no Daisy, but the EMF van gets ya where you need to go. BOWDEN Say, is it just me, or is it kinda quiet inside Athenacorp? MISSION VOICE Too quiet. ZELDA Eerily quiet. SFX - The doors to AthenaCorps blow open as every employee comes out running for their lives! MCGRATH You just HAD to jinx it. BOWDEN Holy Spielberg! It’s like somebody opened the arc of the covenant! Nanobots swarm around them. GLORIA This isn’t rain! What the hell is happening? SKIP (Grabbing an evacuee) Hey! Hey! You, what’s going on? SECURITY GUY There’s some sort of storm INSIDE the building! SKIP That’s impossible! MCGRATH Yeah, well, that impossible storm is heading right for us! SECURITY GUY I wish I still had my Periscope account. ZELDA Everyone! Inside! Now! SECURITY GUY You can’t. It’s an emergency evacuation. The doors sealed behind us. MISSION VOICE I still have an all-access key card. ZELDA How did you manage that?! MISSION VOICE I told you. I’m lovable. SKIP Excellent! Let's get inside that... SFX - LIGHTNING CRASH! PANICKED SCREAMS! THE SIDEWALK GIVES WAY! SKIP ... er... actually first let's try NOT TO FALL INTO THIS GIANT CHASM THAT'S OPENED IN THE SIDEWALK! ZELDA TOO LATE! MCGRATH SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE, GUYS! SFX - THEY FALL! Then things calm down, the storm subsides, that nanites fly off. ONLOOKER 1 What was that! The sidewalk just OPENED... ONLOOKER 2 And that group of people who just pulled up, and were having pithy dialogue, fell in to it! ONLOOKER 3 I think they were some sort of authorities??? SFX - THE EMF BEGINS TO CLIMB OUT ONLOOKER 2 There they are! ONLOOKER 3 They made it! SFX - CHEERS SKIP What the... why are they... BOWDEN Hold on Skip, I've got this one... (playing the crowd) WE'RE OK! WE'RE OK! (crowd noise raises) THEY WANT TO PLAY ROUGH, HUH? MCGRATH Oh, good lord, is he doing the-- GLORIA Just let it play out. It'll save all of us a lot of time. BOWDEN WE CAN TAKE IT! WE CAN TAKE IT! ONLOOKER 2 Who are you guys anyway! BOWDEN Ummm-- ZELDA (Brooklyn accent) WE ARE REPRESENTATIVES OF PIPEFITTERS LOCAL, er, 90210 AND WE ARE GOING TO GET INSIDE THIS BUILDING AND GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS! SFX - GENERAL CHEERS, BUT ALSO ONE CONFUSED ONLOOKER... ONLOOKER 3 (amid cheers) Must be a hell of a plumbing issue. BOWDEN ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THERE, LET'S BE PROFESSIONAL... MCGRATH It's over, Bo. BOWDEN Right. SKIP Team, let's move out! CROWD PIPE-fitters! PIPE-fitters! SFX - THE CROWD CHEERS AS THEY GO EXT. ROOF - CONTINUOUS Terry is welding pieces of machinery together. GHOST MARINA What is taking so long? The little man is wasting our time! ATHENA Maybe he needs a little prodding. TERRY What? Were you talking to me? ATHENA I told you use a seven-eights spanner, Terry! Not a three quarters! MINI-MCGRATH So different! TERRY We’re almost there! Patience! ATHENA You’ve got four automated assistant robots plus this stupid toy, how can you not be - wait. Weren’t there only two robot assistants before? TERRY You must not have noticed them. ATHENA Not trying to pull anything, are you, Terry? TERRY I swear I’m not! GHOST MARINA Let it go. Have him prep the chamber. It’s menial work unfit for my princess. ATHENA Terry. Prep the cloning chamber. TERRY Yes, Ms. O’Brien. Terry fiddles with the machine. He lets out a subtle chuckle to himself. TERRY Glad to be of service. A KLAXON WHOOPS. COMPUTER Warning. Warning. Unauthorized entry to the building grounds detected. TERRY It could be the police! They’ll be in the elevator any minute! ATHENA Let’s see ‘em use it...without power. She types into the console. TERRY What are you doing? ATHENA Cutting power to the building. TERRY WHAT? COMPUTER Warning. Building power shutting off. Pause all laser experiments. Shut all freezers in the cafeteria. Secure all pumas in the biodome. Close down the Fashion Week exhibit- ATHENA POWER OFF NOW. COMPUTER Backup secuuurriittty syyyssteemmms- The building power goes OUT. TERRY With no power, how will my - our - machine work?? ATHENA Don’t worry Terry. GHOST MARINA We have it covered. INT. LOBBY - NIGHT SKIP Oh! It’s darker than my favorite coffee bean roast in here! At least the strange storm seems to have subsided... Tap-taps. GLORIA Hmm. The lights aren’t working. Click. Click-click. MCGRATH Damn. Elevator’s not working, either. Looks like the power’s out in the whole building. BOWDEN Wait... ZELDA What’s the matter? BOWDEN I HAVE TO TAKE THE STAIRS?? MISSION VOICE Think of it as leg day. BOWDEN LEG DAY WAS YESTERDAY! GLORIA Bowden, just pretend it’s the staircase in Phantom of the Opera when they sing Masquerade. BOWDEN You always say the right thing. SKIP Come on team, to the stairs! Footsteps as Skip rushes to the staircase - and then stops. SKIP Woah! MCGRATH What is it? SKIP Nothing I just-- I thought I saw something-- someone?-- At the top of the stairs. But it’s gone now. The SLITHERING METAL NOISE stirs somewhere. BOWDEN Did anyone else hear that? GLORIA We’d better keep moving. MISSION VOICE Not off to a great start are we? INT. 1ST FLOOR - CONTINUOUS Footsteps and huffing as they all reach the landing. GLORIA One down! MCGRATH Forty-seven more to go. BOWDEN Oh great. I’ll be the first A-Lister killed by stairs! MCGRATH Gary Coleman. BOWDEN WHY CAN’T I HAVE JUST ONE THING!?! He collapses. MISSION VOICE A-lister. Sure. SKIP Okay, let’s-- MCGRATH Wait! I need a breather. ZELDA McGrath, we don’t have time to do this forty-six times. MCGRATH Big Z, there’s ALWAYS time for a snack. SFX: She opens a bag of chips and munches. GHOST BLAZE (whisper) Mommy... GLORIA Listen! Do you smell something? I mean, hear something? The group quiets down. SKIP Hear what? GLORIA I heard something. Like... a baby? GHOST BLAZE Mommy! We’re gonna do it tonight! BOWDEN A...disturbed baby... GHOST BLAZE I want my GameBoy. GLORIA Oh my GOD I know that voice! SFX: A low thrum from the nanobots. GHOST BLAZE GET A JAAAAAHBB GLORIA Blaze Taggart! ZELDA I thought he died on the S.S. Russet! SKIP He did. GHOST BLAZE MOMMY! GLORIA Then explain that! MCGRATH He sounds pissed. I guess I would be too if I was dead. SFX: A thrum as the nanobots whir louder, swarming toward them. ZELDA I don’t believe in ghosts...but he’s coming right at us! MISSION VOICE And fast! GLORIA Well, I always wanted to give this jabroni a taste of my fist! Step aside everyone! The whirring gets louder as he gets closer... SKIP Uh... are you sure? MCGRATH Yeah G, he’s coming fast! And closer... GLORIA Oh yeah, I got this sorry sack of potatoes in three... Closer... GLORIA Two... Everyone screams! GLORIA HIKEEBA! THRUM! The nanobots dissipate in a soft burst! GLORIA (gasp) What the hell was that!?! MCGRATH Oh my god, Gloria! Are you Naruto? SKIP No, he almost... dissipated in a poof. Like a ghost. BOWDEN It was like a ghost... (beat) Variety was right: horror is so back! ZELDA It...couldn’t have been a ghost. Could it? MISSION VOICE Look, I know you all are the quote unquote B team, but what part of nanobots did you not understand? BOWDEN Mmmm...all of it? MCGRATH They couldn’t do THIS! Not the last time we saw them! SKIP McGrath, is it possible they’ve... evolved? MCGRATH Maybe...if the Admiral was instructing them - MISSION VOICE Fascinating, now let’s go! We have to get to the roof! GLORIA You know, in this modern age, we really do take elevators for granted! GHOST VALERIAN (BRAD) I’ll say! Pause. GLORIA Um... tell me that was one of you. SKIP/MCGRATH/BOWDEN/ZELDA/MISSION VOICE Nope/Not me/Uh uh. GLORIA Who’s there?! I’ve busted one ghost tonight and I’m not afraid to do it again! GHOST VALERIAN (CHAD) Oh. You’re an NYU girl. BOWDEN Valerian! SKIP Which one!? Brad? Chad? Thad? GHOST VALERIAN (TRIPLED) Why not ALL OF THE ABOVE? The nanoswarm reolves into... MCGRATH Oh shit, it’s a three-headed Valerian ghost! GHOST VALERIAN (THAD) Let’s rattle, Daddy-O! (Chad) You’re about to be cancelled - (Brad) - with extreme prejudice. GLORIA Okay, Valerians! You’re just a cloud of nanites. You can’t hurt us - MMPPH! BOWDEN Gloria! The nanites SWARM HER! SKIP Help her! ZELDA They’re suffocating her! MCGRATH Stand back! I got a taser! ZZZAP! The nanites burst apart and retreat! GLORIA Oh god...thanks McGrath...they REALLY couldn’t do THAT before - MCGRATH Uh...guys! Look down there! The storm...it’s coming up!?!? The NANITE SWARM BEGINS TO RISE. VOICES of OLD ENEMIES BUBBLE UP in the storm! ZELDA As someone who has been to Pamplona, this is giving me massive flashbacks to what it looked like just before the running of the bulls. SKIP So Section Chief... as someone who has been to Pamplona... what should we do? ZELDA Run. SFX: The bots SWARM! The crew runs up the next flight of stairs. INT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT - NIGHT Bryce cooking in the kitchen. Kyle shuffles in. Tense. KYLE I’m gonna go to bed. BRYCE We just got all the stuff to make dinner though! My charcuterie board! A beat. With a lot of meaning. KYLE I’m tired, Bryce. BRYCE Yeah, me too. I still want to eat. KYLE No, I -- I’m tired. Tired of fighting. Tired of looking at a face that used to give me such a good feeling and... now... BRYCE And now you think I’m hideous! And my cooking is just sucky! The suckiest! KYLE Jesus, Bryce... maybe I could eat. What’s cooking? BRYCE How about a little... chicken piccata? KYLE I’m allergic to capers! BRYCE Oh. Well, I forgot-- KYLE No! No you didn’t! I have told you I don’t know how many times! BRYCE Alright, alright! It takes too long anyway. HERE, I’ll just turn this into burritos. Since you just love stuffing your mouth with - KYLE No! You do this to test me, see what I’ll put up with and then you just-- pull me back in! It was the same thing with the origami incident of 2013 -- YOU’RE NOT EVEN LISTENING TO ME! Our marriage is ending and you’re looking out the window- BRYCE No, over there, in the AthenaCorp building across the street, look! He does. KYLE Oh come on! Like you’ve never seen a skyscraper being enveloped in an otherworldly nano-bot storm. BRYCE AND YOU HAVE? KYLE You’ll do anything not to have this conversation. INT. ROOM 1729 From above, the lightning storm. CHET (Hoarse from shouting) Athena! Athena, listen to me! Your father is alive! And so is The Admiral! Terry is working with him! No one answers but the storm. CHET Dammit. All right, think. You can’t undo these restraints, you don’t have a helpful robot. You have to figure this out or you’re useless to everyone. KRISTATOS I’ve always said as much. CHET Oh my god, Kris - Kristatos DRAWS his knife and slaps a hand over Chet’s mouth. KRISTATOS Quiet, Phillips. He removes his hand. CHET How did you get here? KRISTATOS The Admiral’s nanobots dragged us to the surface. CHET No, how did you get up here? KRISTATOS Here? This was my office. I had a secret back staircase for taking smoke breaks. (electricity from above) What is happening up there? CHET Athena’s building some kind of device with Terry Millionaire. KRISTATOS That coward? I will carve him up like a cottage potato. CHET Cut me loose, and we’ll stop her together. Kristatos brandishes the knife. KRISTATOS Why would I need you? CHET Have you seen your daughter fight? You’re not forty anymore, Kristatos. KRISTATOS She will not fight her own father. CHET She’s being mind controlled by the Admiral. You wanna bet on that? Beat. Then, Kristatos PULLS APART Chet’s restraints. KRISTATOS No false moves...partner. CHET You’re the boss. Kristatos rummages through his desk. KRISTATOS Take this earpod. I used them for listening to Welcome to Nightvale. We can use them as communication devices. CHET Nightvale, smoke breaks, did you ever use this office for work? KRISTATOS I didn’t work here, Philips, I was retired. I was here to support Athena as I am here now. Chet puts in the earpod. CHET You didn’t miss the good old days? The King of Potato Crime? KRISTATOS (sighs) Phillips. A man has to know when his time has come and gone. It is a sad man who lives only in the past. CHET ...Let’s go. They climb the ladder and CREAK open the door. EXT. ATHENACORP ROOF - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS The storm is gathering! Thunder! CHET C’mon. Stay low and quiet. I’m going around, you’re up the middle. Chet slips off. Kristatos creeps past SURGING electricity. KRISTATOS What is all this? CHET (ON THE COMMS) She’s been obsessed with building it for months. The Admiral’s planted some idea in her head, and it can’t be good. KRISTATOS Very well. I will approach her. You slip behind and destroy the machine. CHET (ON THE COMMS) Buy me two minutes, and it’s done. Kristatos walks out onto the roof towards Terry and Athena. GHOST MARINA There can be no more delays! Athena, make that little man hurry up! ATHENA Terry, you better finish setting up - or your taking the shortcut to the bottom floor. TERRY Do you want it done quickly or do you want it done right!? In fact, I seem to recall YOU said you could do this yourself. So if you want to resurrect your mother - KRISTATOS Athena? ATHENA Wh... KRISTATOS It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s me. CHET (ON COMMS) Watch it Kris, she’s got - Athena PULLS A GUN. ATHENA What are you?!? KRISTATOS Okay okay okay! It’s me! It’s Daddy! ATHENA Shut up! It’s not possible! You’re a clone! My father is dead! KRISTATOS I survived the depths of the ocean and I came back for you. ATHENA There’s no way you could have survived down in the ocean for a year! KRISTATOS I grew potatoes from my jacket! They gave me food and oxygen - ATHENA Like in the The Martian? KRISTATOS WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THE MARTIAN? ATHENA I TOOK YOU TO SEE IT because you wouldn’t shut up about the potato guy! Now I KNOW you’re a clone! BLAM, and ricochet. CHET (ON COMMS) I’m getting there, Kris, don’t get shot! KRISTATOS YOUNG LADY I DID NOT TRAVEL ALL THE WAY FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN TO GET SHOT AT BY MY DAUGHTER. For once in your life you will show me some respect! Beat. ATHENA (close to cracking) Dad is that really you? CHET (ON COMMS) You got her attention just keep it for sixty seconds. KRISTATOS Athena, Fletcher is still alive. He has used his flunky’s nanobots to infiltrate your mind. Whatever this science project is, you must stop it. Please. ATHENA C’mere and see what it is. KRISTATOS Why. ATHENA Take a look. If you’re really my dad, take a look and then tell me to shut it down. He walks over. Gasps. KRISTATOS What...? The recordings play. MARINA (RECORDINGS) Kris...Athena!...Oh honey...put that potato down and give me a kiss. KRISTATOS What it this, Athena? ATHENA It’s Mom. I built a new cloning machine. I still had a lock of her hair to use for the DNA. I went through all your old photo albums and recordings of her, and used the Genesis technology to rebuild her personality. I’m making a new mom! KRISTATOS The Admiral made you do this, why? ATHENA The Admiral? What? No. I did this. Or mom did...she’s...in my head. KRISTATOS I don’t understand what’s happening. ATHENA Well I do! I know there’s something in my head, and I’ve checked these plans ten times! It will work, dad. She can be with us again. I can do it. So should I, Dad? KRISTATOS ...Chet Phillips is hiding behind that pylon. CHET (ON COMMS) Kris! ATHENA Freeze, janitor! Chet stands in the clear. CHET One move and I’ll unplug it - GGGAHH! Terry SLAMS a wrench down on Chet’s head! He falls unconscious! TERRY Seven eighths spanner. Just the right size. INT. ATHENACORP HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS The gang BURSTS out of an ACCESS STAIRWAY. They’re exhausted. SKIP That’s it. The top floor. MCGRATH Where’s the roof access? They listen. SKIP End of the hallway. They all grumble. Then the NANITE SWARM SOUNDS IN THE HALLWAY. GLORIA GET MOVING! They RUN! The SWARM follows, BURBLING DEAD VILLIAN VOICES! SKIP In here! Room 1729! They burst into: INT. ROOM 1729 ZELDA Barricade the door! BOWDEN (trying) They’re pouring in under the crack! SKIP McGrath? MCGRATH The swarm’s too powerful for one little taser zap too hurt them - The door BURSTS OPEN! The SWARM POURS IN! SKIP This is it... But the SWARM RACES UP through the OPENING IN THE CEILING TO THE ROOF! GLORIA Whhh...where’d they go? BOWDEN They went up. Up this ladder to... (quietly) The roof! We made it! SKIP McGrath, why did they ignore us? They listen. The swarm HUMS ABOVE. MCGRATH Because there’s an even bigger swarm up there. Maybe its swarm personality is stronger and absorbed all the ghosts. SKIP The Admiral personality? MCGRATH Maybe... GLORIA Either way, we’ve made it! Time to attack! BOWDEN Sweetheart, my legs are now in the best shape of my life, but I need a rest! MCGRATH (tearing open a package) I need a jerky break. ZELDA For once, I agree with McGrath. Who knows what we’re going to face up there. Let’s rest while we can. SKIP Fine. Two minutes, gang. MISSION VOICE Rest is for the weak. I’m going to do some recon! SKIP You shouldn’t go up there alone! MISSION VOICE I’m not going anywhere. SFX: She opens her rucksack and pulls out... SKIP A drone! MISSION VOICE Never leave home without them. I’ll see what she sees. All from the comfort of my... SFX: POP! CLICK! MISSION VOICE Golf chair. SFX: The drone flies off. MCGRATH (Mouth full of jerky) How do I get your job? MISSION VOICE Not with your mouth full. SFX: We follow the sound of the drone up the stairs onto... EXT. ATHENA CORPS HQ - ROOM - NIGHT SFX: Thunder, lighting, rain. Electricity surging. Nanobots swirling. A huge crack of thunder. KRISTATOS Athena, be careful! You could be hit by lighting! ATHENA (Adjusting an antenna) I’ll be fine! I just need to get this damn rod a little higher... SFX: The antenna snaps into place. ATHENA Yes! SFX: BAM! A huge streak of lighting rains down from the sky, hitting the antenna. Athena lets out a yelp as she jumps back from the machine, which begins to whirr to life as power surges through it. The WHOLE BUILDING LIGHTS UP WITH POWER and ELECTRIC EXPLOSIONS. INT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT - NIGHT KYLE --you don’t every empty the vacuum cleaner, you leave the refrigerator just fully open about half the time, you UNROLL your sushi like a psychopath, and you’re constantly farting right when you walk by me and I’m starting to think you’re doing it on purpose-- BRYCE You know, if I confronted you with a list of everything YOU do wrong-- KYLE Oh I would love that. BRYCE Seriously? You would? KYLE Yes! Because by comparison it would clear things up real quick - CRASH!! A BOLT of lightning, strikes the window, shattering the glass. BRYCE Holy-- KYLE Get down! He hits the floor. KYLE A lightning bolt?! Okay what in god’s name is going on over there? BRYCE Did you just dive past me and not pull me down with you? You were completely fine just letting me get fried? KYLE Oh whatever, I’ve had enough of whatever is going on over there. He marches out. BRYCE Oh there you go again, walking out on me again the second things can get hard-- hey! Come back here, I’m still talking and you are going to eat this dinner one way or another... Footsteps as he walks out after him. BACK TO ATHENACORP ROOF More ELECTRIC EXPLOSIONS as ATHENA LAUGHS IN TRIUMPH! KRISTATOS ATHENA! ATHENA That’s it! I did it! All I have to do is throw this switch and the cloning process will begin. GHOST MARINA YES! DO IT! MOTHER IS WAITING. CHET (waking) Ugggh, Athena, listen to me! You’re not yourself. ATHENA Keep him quiet, dad! SFX: Kristatos draws his knife on Chet. KRISTATOS Quiet, Phillips. CHET Kris, come on, you know what she’s trying to do. She’s not in her right mind. KRISTATOS I do not know that, and neither do you. CHET Whatever’s in that machine is not Marina - The knife rings. KRISTATOS Keep her name out of your filthy mouth. CHET What were you saying? About people’s time coming and going? KRISTATOS She was taken too young, murdered by a government agent. CHET She was! You’re right! But...no matter how much you want things to be the way they were before...it can never be the same again. Whatever’s in that box, it’s not gonna be the same. ATHENA Dad. Whatever Chetty’s saying to you, get away from him. CHET Listen to me! I know we’ve had our issues, but what if we just walked away? Right now. Together. Start fresh and just see where the future takes us. No more clinging to the past - for either of us. I’m ready for that. Are you? GHOST MARINA Don’t listen to them, Athena. Stupid, frightened men. ATHENA Don’t worry, mom. They’ll see soon enough. KRISTATOS Athena, who are you talking to? There is no one there. ATHENA It’s okay, dad. She’ll be with you again soon. SFX: Athena throws the switch. CHET Oh, sweetheart, what have you done? KRISTATOS Shut your mouth, Phillips, and stay put. Athena - Kristatos walks over toward Athena. A drone hovers over Chet’s head. MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) We’ve got to stop meeting like this. CHET You found me! MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) And brought the cavalry. CHET Thank god. She’s already started the cloning process, then she just has to upload the artificial personality. MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) Don’t all the O’Briens have artificial personalities? CHET The Admiral is behind all of this! She pushes the GO button, and whatever he’s planning, that’s the endgame! MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) Well let’s see what Team B can do. INT. STAIRWAY TO THE ROOF - CONTINUOUS SKIP Alright, team. Two minutes is up. Let’s go. SFX: The gang wearily stands. SKIP Last one to the top is a rotten egg! SFX: Skip heads up. MCGRATH I can’t stand when he’s peppy in the face of certain death. It’s his worst quality. ZELDA Come on, McGrath. Where’s your sense of adventure? MCGRATH Fifty floors down. EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT The gang scrambles to a hiding place on the roof. ELECTRICITY is SHOWERING EVERYWHERE. GLORIA This is not up to code. BOWDEN Another case for Sheriff Staryu. ZELDA Any chance we can pull the plug? MCGRATH It’s powered by lightning and connected to nothing. If the wiring is robust enough, an EMP wouldn’t knock it out. SKIP Then we restrain Athena. Prevent her from finishing the process. It’s the only way. We need a distraction. MISSION VOICE Well. I did promise Athena a date...shall I? SKIP Send in the drones. The drone ZIPS across the roof... ATHENA She’s almost done, Dad. She’s almost - MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) Excuse me. I think this is a fire hazard. ATHENA You? KRISTATOS What is that, the granddaddy nanobot? MINI-MCGRATH I want it! ATHENA It’s one of the EMF’s fancy drones. I caught so many of them back on the Russet. MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) Those were all automated, though. Much dumber. ATHENA Were they, though? She JAMS A POWER SPIKE THROUGH THE DRONE! MISSION VOICE (VIA DRONE) Aw shit - The drone EXPLODES! SKIP NOW! GLORIA GET HER - TERRY Not so fast, friends! Five LARGE ROBOTS ROLL IN THEIR WAY! ATHENA Granger?!? TERRY You can thank me later, Ms. O’Brien. My robots have the situation well in hand. ZELDA Where did these even come from? TERRY Self-replicating! Much like my nanobots, but on a larger scale. I needed assistance in building this device, and didn’t have time to build the builders. BOWDEN So you built builders to build the builders? TERRY When you put it that way it sounds dumb. ATHENA JUST CAPTURE THEM. TERRY Yes of course. The robots SPRING INTO ACTION! They grip M.V., Bo & Gloria. GLORIA Bowden! Uggghhh!!! BOWDEN These robots are going to murder us like Squirtle! MISSION VOICE I can’t believe those are the last words I’m going to ever hear. SKIP We’ve got to help them! ZELDA No! Get to Athena! Zelda FIGHTS THE FOURTH ROBOT as Skip and McGrath advance! MCGRATH C’mon, babe, don’t make us fight you! ATHENA Well you could leave, babe! May I suggest a leap off the roof? MCGRATH Look around you! You’re Frankensteining the whole building! It’s so clearly mad scientist! ATHENA And? SKIP Look out, McGrath! The last ROBOT GRABS FOR MCGRATH, but Skip SHOVES HER AWAY! ATHENA Terry your robots are slow as shit! And there’s only one left to grab two idiots - There’s a CRUNCHING, MECHANICAL SOUND, and... TERRY Self-replicating. MCGRATH Aw, shit. Run, Skip! SKIP Right behind you! MCGRATH I’m - whoa! SKIP McGrath! MCGRATH Something tripped me! OH COME ON! MINI-MCGRATH You said we’d do the hokey pokey! MCGRATH You little - gah! A Terry robot GETS HER! SKIP McGrath! ATHENA One rat left to capture. KRISTATOS Give up, Granger! This is not your affair! SKIP Athena, Kristatos, please! You don’t know what you’re - AH! The last robot GETS SKIP! TERRY Last one. CHET Oh, Terry, you never could count! Chet LUNGES at Terry. They fight! ATHENA KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE MACHINE! TERRY You forget, Chet, I wasn’t just a philanthropist billionaire...I was Wharton Black Tie Fight Night Champ! CHET Who boxes in tuxedos!?!? TERRY GENTLEMEN! Chet and Terry fight. SKIP Kristatos! Athena’s not in her right mind! KRISTATOS (unsure) Athena knows what she is doing. ATHENA That’s right. I know exactly what I’m doing. MCGRATH Athena, the Admiral - ATHENA BLAH BLAH BLAH The Admiral is trying to control me through the nanobots, right? SO EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING. MCGRATH Then why are you - ATHENA I DON’T CARE. I don’t care what he expects to happen here. Because I am gonna get my mother back. SKIP You won’t! ATHENA Oh, do you think I’m stupid? Do you think I went through all this trouble with no safeguards? That I’d chance it if my mom was going to come back all Pet Semetary or Frankensteined? This is MY work. She’ll be PERFECT. KRISTATOS (a little numb) Perfect. MCGRATH Athena, I know you want her back, but this is nuts! ATHENA Oh, SCREW YOU, EMF. I know why you’re trying to stop me. Because you belong to the group that killed her. MCGRATH That was Prescott - and he paid the piper for it! ATHENA You don’t want one more brilliant O’Brien in the world, causing trouble. Wasn’t she the smart one, Daddy? KRISTATOS She was. ATHENA They killed her, and now you want her to stay dead. Because you’re afraid of her. Right? MCGRATH I think we should be afraid of these nanobots! The SWARM INTENSIFIES. GHOST MARINA Athena. Athena. It is time! COMPUTER Clone completed. Upload personality? (beat) Upload personality? KRISTATOS Athena? ATHENA You’re all just afraid of the O’Brien women. She walks over to the machine. SKIP I’m not. ATHENA Oh, what is this now. SKIP Athena if I could throw a switch and give you your mother back I would but...this isn’t that. ATHENA Don’t try to good-guy-splain me out of this, Granger! SKIP Think about the person you’re about to create. Think about the clone. ATHENA She’s my mom! She’ll be my mom! SKIP Okay, she’ll be your mom! So think about her! You’re going to bring a person into this world, and then program them to be exactly what you want them to be! Is that fair? I’m here to tell you it’s not. My father thought he could shape my life just be flipping a few switches. This isn’t any different. Do you want that for your mom? That’s not a relationship, Athena! That’s not...real. ATHENA SHUT UP. SKIP It’s your choice. Throw the switch or don’t, we can’t stop you. ATHENA ...that’s right. COMPUTER Upload personality? Athena turns and grabs the switch. She hesitates. KRISTATOS Athena...he’s right. ATHENA (starting to cry) Shut up, daddy! KRISTATOS Athena? Let her go. Athena cries a little. Then throws a switch. ATHENA NO! COMPUTER Personality. Uploading. The nanobots swarm the machine. KRISTATOS (Stunned) Athena... GHOST MARINA (Glitching) Athena...I...am...so...proud...ha ha ha ha ha! MCGRATH Uhh...this ghost doesn’t sound sane, Skip. SKIP I think we’re in trouble. ATHENA Mom!?!? Marina laughs manically, horrifyingly, but the voices begins to change...and the laughter becomes that of THE ADMIRAL! GHOST ADMIRAL I’M SOOOOOO PROUD! The machine SURGES WITH POWER! The others are KNOCKED BACK BY THE SPARKS! ATHENA NO! SKIP Admiral! ADMIRAL THANK YOU, ATHENA. ATHENA There’s no backdoor into this machine! And I nanoproofed it! ADMIRAL THAT YOU DID. ATHENA So there’s no way you snuck your claws into the guts of this thing without human help - AAH KRISTATOS GAAAH! More ROBOTS GRAB Athena and Kristatos! ATHENA TERRY. WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY MOM? TERRY (Still boxing Chet) Remember when I said I didn’t know anything about the cloning machine? I LIED. We were never bringing your mother back. I’ve been programming the machine to bring back its last subject: Admiral Fletcher. CHET You son of a b - Another robot is generated and grabs Chet! TERRY I think I’m done distracting you. GHOST ADMIRAL WELL DONE TERRY! TERRY Thank you, sir! COMPUTER Clone completed. TERRY It was simple while Athena was...in her fugue states. ELECTRICITY SPARKS! TERRY HE RETURNS! ATHENA Daddy, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! KRISTATOS It’s alright, Athena. We are here together. We will defeat him again. A CHAMBER OPENS! And out steps.... ADMIRAL Welcome me back to the land of the living, my friends! GLORIA (disgusted) OH GOD MCGRATH Please put some pants on Admiral! SKIP He’s so much younger! BOWDEN It’s not helping! ADMIRAL I have returned to the world of the living, free as the day my mother bore me! CHET I’ll bet the hospital gave you clothing immediately! ADMIRAL And now - with your help, Athena - I am more than a mortal man. I am a god! Witness the power of this great swarm of nanites at my command! KILL THEM ALL! Nothing happens. ADMIRAL Perhaps the nanobots didn’t hear me. Kill them all? (nothing) Uhhh mátalos? Nanoo nanoo? Terry, is there a password or something? TERRY There is. ADMIRAL Wonderful, would you very sweetly give it to me? TERRY I think...not. Terrybot? MINI-MCGRATH Yes dad? TERRY Give the password. MINI-MCGRATH HOKEY POKEY! The SWARM ATTACKS THE ADMIRAL! ADMIRAL NOOOOO TERRY You see, Admiral, I realized that the nanites were connected to your previous cloned body, and your swarm personality. By uploading yourself into this new body, you have relinquished control...to me. MINI-MCGRATH I’m a weapons depot now! ADMIRAL NOOOO MY NANOBOTS! The Admiral SINKS TO A NAKED HEAP ON THE GROUND! TERRY Well then. We’ve come full circle, haven’t we, folks? It seems I once again control this building, my nanobot swarm, my many, many robots, and the cloning machine I always desired. Bring them to me! The ROBOTS roll towards Terry, dragging Skip, McGrath, Gloria, Bowden, M. Voice, and Zelda close! ZELDA You’ll pay for this, Millionaire! TERRY Well I seem to once again have the funds to do so. ATHENA You won’t take my company - TERRY Uh uh uh! Not so fast, O’Briens! MINI-MCGRATH Right foot in! The nano swarm the O’Briens in. ATHENA AND KRISTATOS (ad lib) Aah! The nanobots! TERRY Stay where you are and the swarm will not choke the life out of you. GLORIA Don’t fight the swarm, Athena! We’ve already tried! BOWDEN You’ll never get away with this, Terry! TERRY I don’t see why not. Bow down before by total capitalistic might! I will unleash my nanobots and self-replication construction robots to mold the world to my will and create my greatest venture yet: TerryWorld! MISSION VOICE Sounds like the name of the world’s saddest theme park. TERRY Doesn’t matter, you’ll be living in it! Do you hear me, world? Terry walks to the roof’s edge and laughs out at the city. ATHENA Hey, screw you asshole! TERRY Terry Bot...do the hokey pokey! MINI-MCGRATH Yay! TERRY Swarm the entire city and rebuild it in my image! MINI-MCGRATH And? TERRY ...and turn yourself around. Mini-McGrath burns with power - the nanobots thrust her high above the ground! The swarm begins to pour into the city! CHET Oh my God! McGrath, your robot can fly? MCGRATH It’s the nanobots! She’s using them to levitate. She must have complete control over the swarm! BOWDEN Guys! She’s sending clouds of nanobots down into the city streets! SCREAMS from the streets below! SKIP Guys, I know I don’t usually like to use vulgarities but if any situation calls for it, it’s this - our goose may be cooked! MISSION VOICE Careful Skip, you can’t take that kind of language back. MCGRATH Guys - if Terry wired all his command of the robots and nanites through Mini-McGrath...I think I can get her back under control. SKIP Are you sure? MCGRATH I built her. Underneath all the garbled code and recursive slop, I know how she thinks. I got this. MINI MCGRATH (glitching) This power is si-si-sick! Hasta la vista, pickleback! MCGRATH Hey Mini-Mcgrath! Nice job, narc. MINI-MCGRATH You’re the narc, narc! MCGRATH Really? You look like Terry’s trained monkey right now. MINI MCGRATH I do wh-wh-what I w-w- MCGRATH You w-w-what? You’re kissing corporate boots now? MISSION VOICE Better than you! You-y-you-you threw me in the GaRRbaGE, MOM. MCGRATH Well...I know. Okay I shouldn’t have done that, no matter how annoying you were. Because what family is - annoying each other, not handling it well and lashing out, and then finding a way to come together and grow from it. MINI MCGRATH (processing) ...f-f-family? MCGRATH Yeah, family. The EMF is a family: me, Skip, Zelda, Gloria, Mission Voice, Bowden... and you. You don’t need a boss. You need a family. A long, heartfelt beat. MINI MCGRATH I’ll have six California rolls and a burrito, please! MCGRATH OH MY GOD, WILL YOU JUST-- MINI MCGRATH (glitching the eff out) F--FAMILY! FAMILY! TACO FAMILY! O’BRIEN PO-PO-PO-TATO TACO FAMILY! FAMILY IS PAIN! MUST MAKE MORE FAMILY!!! SFX: Sound of Mini McGrath smoking and glitching as every wire in her circuity crosses, twists, and snaps. MCGRATH Uh-- guys? Maybe I don’t got this. TERRY MILLIONAIRE (from the rooftop) Do you hear me, city! I - what are you doing over there? Ahh my little control bot! SKIP Oh my god, what’s happening to her? GLORIA She’s trying to process the deep conflict and simultaneous happiness and pain that family brings and she’s completely short circuiting! BOWDEN Wow, we’re going oh-for-two with eleventh hour savior monologues. SFX: An electric sound effect - ZZSSSSTZZT! SPPRRT! TERRY Ahhh! My nanite swarm! SFX: WHOOSH! MINI MCGRATH Swarm! Family! Swarm! Family! A CRACKLE OF ELECTRICITY! SKIP Hey! The robots went dead! MCGRATH I think Mini-McGrath is taking up all of their processing power! GLORIA Thank goodness! Get out of their grip! The gang struggles free! ATHENA Great job dumbasses but HERE COME THE NANOBOTS! SFX: Whoosh as the nanobots swoop around in a nanobot tornado. ZELDA Great. A tiny robot version of Mackenzie McGrath has control of a deadly swarm of nanobots! SKIP Wait, so what does this mean? What’s going to happen? ATHENA ANYTHING. ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN! BOWDEN I mean, surely not anything - BOOOM. CHET What was that? MCGRATH It came from down in the streets - BOOOM. ZELDA I thoughts those nanites couldn’t form physical objects! GLORIA Well, they knocked me to the ground! MCGRATH I guess enough of them could band together and form - SKIP No! No it can’t be! CHET What? ATHENA What did she make Granger? BOOOM! SKIP ...it’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. MCGRATH WHAT? SKIP Well not literally. She’s just formed a massive kaju sized version of herself. MCGRATH A MEGA MCGRATH? ROOOOAR! The people in the streets SCREAM! Buildings RUMBLE! BOWDEN Well there’s something you don’t see every day! GLORIA I told you not to show her movies! MCGRATH Whoa whoa whoa, nobody showed her anything! GLORIA Well she’s only got in that little processor things you fed into her head! MCGRATH Did you show her Ghostbusters? GLORIA No! MCGRATH Did you? BOWDEN No! MCGRATH I didn’t show her Ghostbusters! Silence. MCGRATH Skip? SKIP ...I couldn’t help it. We had the BluRay player...I just popped it in there. And then Godzilla. And then Spaceballs. We were having a marathon! TERRY MILLIONAIRE Stop it! Someone stop that thing! Give me back my beautiful, unregulated nanobots! MINI MCGRATH Minions! Family! Minions! Swarm of taco minions! SKIP I didn’t mean for this to happen! MCGRATH No, Skip - this is my bad. ATHENA Oh, screw it, no. This is all my fault. KRISTATOS No. It is those monsters Fletcher and Millionaire. CHET Enough! I know exactly how to deal with this. You want to clean up a mess? You send in a janitor. Athena? Gimme your gun. ATHENA Are you kidding me? I’m not - Kris tosses the gun to Chet, who cocks and aims. KRISTATOS Take it. End this madness. ATHENA Dad! CHET Mission accepted. MCGRATH Chet, don’t shoot the - BOOM! It’s too late, Chet fires at Mini McGrath, but the bullets ricochet off! Everyone scatters! MINI-MCGRATH Right foot out! CHET What the - AHHHHHHH! The swarm attacks Chet and Kristatos, who fall in a heap! Athena runs over to protect them! ATHENA DAD! DAMMIT! They’re out cold! MINI-MCGRATH Now you shake it all about! The entire AthenaCorps building starts to rumble. ZELDA Jesus, that Mega McGrath is going to take the whole building down! TERRY Terry Bot, stop this! I command you! BOWDEN Funny us going out like this! SKIP Who would have thought a philanthropist billionaire would destroy the world!? ATHENA Don’t you people have reinforcements you can call? MCGRATH Who we gonna call? BANG! The door to the roof bursts open - it’s Bryce and Kyle. BRYCE Alright, what in the hell is going on up here? KYLE Yeah, some of us want to break up without getting fried by lightning or stepped on! ATHENA Ugh, who are these bozos? GLORIA Yes! Reinforcements! Bryce, Kyle, we need your help! BRYCE Ugh. The EMF. Can this night get any worse? KYLE Hey, we’re not friends, you lot! So we got no reason to - ZELDA We’ll pay you. KYLE Right. Who should we murder first? ADMIRAL I suggest Terry! KYLE Well, hello, sailor! BRYCE So like you! Attracted to every naked man on a rooftop you see! KYLE My God, Bryce! MINI MCGRATH I AM YOUR GOD! LEFT HAND IN! The SWARM MEGA MCGRATH ROARS and GRABS KYLE! KYLE Bryce, look out! AHHHHH! Kyle pushes Bryce out of the way, and the hand-swarm engulfs Kyle! BRYCE Kyle! Kyle, baby are you okay!? KYLE I...can’t move! It’s like a giant hand made of Hercules moths! TERRY Terrybot! This is your admin! Relinquish all privileges to me - MINI-MCGRATH LEFT HAND OUT! TERRY NOOOOO The hand SWATS TERRY, KNOCKING HIM UNCONSCIOUS! MCGRATH Yeah, I don’t think she’s letting anyone get near her. SKIP Not without a reason... ZELDA That sounds to me like you have an idea, Agent Granger? SKIP One. ZELDA Then do your thing and save the world. ROOOAR! SKIP Run! BRYCE Kyle! Let him go you bully! KYLE Just run Bryce! Ahhhh - The SWARM HAND LIFTS KYLE INTO THE AIR! The gang RUNS behind the MACHINE while the MEGA MCGRATH ROARS. SKIP McGrath, if we could get near Mini McGrath, could you build a device that would shut it off? MCGRATH Yeah. I just need Bowden’s phone. BOWDEN What? Why my phone? MISSION VOICE Just do it, Montcrief. BOWDEN Okay fine... He grumbles and hands over his phone. SKIP Okay, now - me, Athena, Kyle, Bowden, and Zelda are gonna keep the robots off McGrath while you make the device. McGrath, can we attach it the device to a drone? MCGRATH Nah, it’s gonna mess with any machinery it comes in contact with. SKIP Then Gloria - you’re gonna get it up there. GLORIA ME? Skip, I know that you all have gotten used to me pulling off some wild moves, but I can’t jump 25 feet in the air! SKIP I’m betting with a boost you can get pretty darn close - Bryce, over here! BRYCE Finally, someone who needs me! Footsteps as Bryce runs over. SKIP Bryce, Gloria’s gonna take a running leap, you’re gonna springboard her up there - can you do it! BRYCE I was the head of the Garnet Valley cheer squad. I can do anything! KYLE (calling from the air) Except load the dishwasher properly! Arggghhhh - SKIP McGrath, do you have the device? MCGRATH Here it is - I reversed the power core voltage and rewired the microchip overlay. It’s basically a super fast battery drainer. The range is small though. SKIP How small? MCGRATH Three feet. GLORIA I basically have to make dead on contact with her! I can’t do that mid air - she’ll dodge! BOWDEN Or dip, dive, duck or dodge! SKIP Then we’re just going to have to give her a reason to not. BRYCE Here, someone hold my burrito while I stretch. GLORIA (Taking the burrito) Okay...oh. OH!! MCGRATH Bryce, you magnificent bastard, I could kiss you! SKIP That cursed Tamagotchi up there has been calling for tacos and burritos so let’s give her what she wants! Give me the phone--and the burrito. Skip squishes it into the burrito. MCGRATH What a waste. BOWDEN You’re destroying my phone, and a burrito is a waste? SKIP Ready Gloria and Bryce? GLORIA/BRYCE Ready. KYLE Bryce, what are you doing? You could get hurt! BRYCE If it saves you, it’s worth it. GLORIA Alright Bryce, you get low, I’ll take a running leap- BRYCE And I’ll do a rounded camel back jump toss. GLORIA Perfect! Footsteps as she backs up. The fight is still raging in the background. GLORIA Three! BRYCE Two! SKIP One! Gloria runs! Grunt as she jumps on Bryce, another grunt as he jumps and lifts her- She FLIES through the air with the burrito! SKIP Hey! Mini Mcgrath! Do you like Mexican? MINI-MCGRATH GOD TACOS FAMILY DEATH! GLORIA Special delivery! She throws the burrito! MINI MCGRATH Burritoooooooooo! Nom! Nom! Nom! SKIP Well how about those Mexicans? BOWDEN Oh, Skip, no. Just no. ZSWOOOOOOOOOOOOMPH! Mini-McGrath overloads and shuts down! The MEGA MCGRATH DISINTEGRATES! The nano bot swarm fall harmless to the Earth like rain! Heavy panting in the silence of all of the power off mini bots. ADMIRAL Did... did we do it? MISSION VOICE I don’t know how you define WE. GLORIA Oh my god, we did! Did you see that jump! BOWDEN You were amazing my love! Like a beautiful soaring, burrito-delivering phoenix! (beat) Could that...? No, that’s too out there to be a movie. Who am I, Neon Pictures? GLORIA And Bryce, that was the most beautiful rounded camel back jump toss. BRYCE What can I say? When I slay, I slay! KYLE Bryce, you were amazing! You saved us! ADMIRAL (laughing awkwardly) Well... all’s well that ends well, right? ATHENA Oh absolutely not. ZELDA Not a chance, Fletcher. You, Terry, and Athena will all have to answer for your crimes. ATHENA Me? Hey, technically I didn’t do my big ultimate plan - and I was being manipulated by the nanobots! ZELDA I suppose that’s true. But still, the Admiral and Terry-- ADMIRAL No no, not me, I was never here-- SMOKE BOMB! He claps. ZELDA You know that in order to escape in a puff from a smoke bomb, you have to actually have a smoke bomb. ADMIRAL Well... it was worth a try. Goodbye! ZELDA Wait, no what are you-- SKIP He’s running away! The Admiral leaps off the building! GLORIA Oh my god, he just leapt off the building! Everyone rushes over to look. MCGRATH Where’d he go? GLORIA He’s gone! He disappeared! BOWDEN And somehow a naked man vanishing in mid-air is the least weird thing about tonight. ZELDA Let’s wrangle Terry. Still alive Terry? TERRY Uggggghhh ZELDA Don’t suppose you want to try any daring escapes? TERRY MILLIONAIRE Off the side of the building? No thank you...I’ll take my chances in court...I was pursuing capitalism, a jury will understand. MCGRATH I really hate this guy. Zelda slaps some cuffs on Terry. KYLE Hey, Bryce...? Gloria was right - that rounded camel back jump toss was beautiful. And your chicken burrito ...it saved the world. BRYCE You’re just saying that. KYLE I feel like I finally have the perspective Dr. Khouri has been talking about and I think... I think we can give this another try. For real this time. BRYCE Sounds amazing. Over dinner? I’ll...make steak. KYLE How’s about we make it together? Chet and Kristatos start to come to. ATHENA Oh, Jesus, Dad! Are you alright? CHET Eggh...did I kill the evil robot? KRISTATOS Ugggh...no, you knocked US out you MORON! ATHENA It was...very brave, you two. Come on, let’s get you up. ZELDA So...I Said we were going to talk about what your job entails. MISSION VOICE You did. ZELDA How did you like being in the field? Bring back memories? Maybe we can make this a regular thing? MISSION VOICE It was...terrible. I’m better used behind the scenes. And don’t try to dredge up the past, Zelda...it’s not a good look on you. ZELDA Hmph. Someday. MINI-MCGRATH (sparking out) Burrito...burrito... GLORIA I thought you drained all her power. MCGRATH There must be some residual energy in her battery, but she’s harmless now. The swarm dissipated. ATHENA These TerryBots are weirdly sturdy. They were meant to be played with by kids, after all. Her insides are fried, but...you could probably rebuild her. MCGRATH Yeah. I have to. I owe her something. BOWDEN What’s that? MINI-MCGRATH Burrito... MCGRATH Yeah, kid. Burritos for everyone, MUSICAL TRANSITION INT. BRIEFING ROOM - DAY The door opens. ZELDA Well, Agent Granger, another fine...oh. Hello...Mister... Janitor? President? CHET Just Chet, Zelda. ZELDA Where is everyone? CHET I think they went to the park. ZELDA Really? And...are you cleaning? Infiltrating? Asking for PAC money? CHET I’m here to give you this. Hands over a paper. ZELDA Well if it’s a birthday card, you’re three months late. (she opens it) Oh. What? A letter of resignation? CHET That’s right. ZELDA And you’re comfortable...with retirement? CHET I’ve...chosen to accept it. (beat) I think I’ve finally heard what you’ve been trying to say for the past six years - my whole solo act doesn’t work anymore. I forced my way onto this mission, I didn’t report in what I found, and then I tried to take out a killer robot with a potato gun...and all I did was get captured and knock myself out cold. It takes a team to save the day. Your team. ZELDA This is hitting me harder than I thought it would. CHET We have history. It’s been a while. ZELDA It’s been an epoch. CHET You brought me into the game. You should see me out of it. ZELDA Very well. Godspeed, Mister Phillips. What’s next? CHET I’m...gonna find out. (he stands) Bye Zelda. He walks out into the hallway. He laughs a little sadly under his breath. He exits into the parking lot. Two MASKED GOONS JUMP HIM. CHET (bag over head) HEY! GOON 1 Just breathe, friend. GOON 2 Enjoy retirement. The Goons voices DEEPEN, and CHET COLLAPSES. MUSICAL TRANSITION INT. THE PARK - DAY The gang frolics in the park. Mini McGrath staggers along. SKIP So...is she...safe? MINI-MCGRATH Burrito! Burrito! MCGRATH Yeah. I had to wipe a lot of her memory and generative chat functions. Plus, she has all new innards. MINI-MCGRATH Look! A cat! GLORIA That’s a grasshopper, Mini-McGrath. MINI-MCGRATH A cat! GLORIA Sure. MCGRATH Thanks for the spare parts, Athena. ATHENA Well, I’m purging the company of all old TerryCorps tech just in case those nanobots come back. MINI-MCGRATH Mom! Look! Cat! Cat! ATHENA I’m glad someone got their mom back. SKIP Athena, you and I certainly have our differences, but I want you to know - ATHENA I get it, Skip. What you said on the roof...you were right. You’re sorry my mom’s dead, I’m sorry your dad is an asshole. SKIP Thanks. MCGRATH Man, I always knew I’d make a terrible mom, but I’m not sure I thought I’d raise a monster. GLORIA She only calls you “mom”, though. She’s not... MCGRATH What? GLORIA ...you know. Real. MCGRATH I know. It’s...hard to explain. BOWDEN Oh I get it. SKIP Yeah? BOWDEN I’m a bit of an expert on people who aren’t real, you know. I’ve been a few. And...it’s just a weird trick of being human, that a fictional person can sometimes fill a place in your heart, for good...or ill. MCGRATH You didn’t get the Pokemon movie, did you? BOWDEN Matthew Rhys wins two Emmys in one night and suddenly NO ONE ELSE can be a sentient starfish! MCGRATH Sorry, dude. BOWDEN It’s okay. Really. Just...look after your kid. Robot. Thing. SKIP She will - where is she, McGrath? MINI-MCGRATH Cat! Cat! GLORIA Oh no don’t - SQUASH. MINI-MCGRATH Disassembled! MCGRATH (sighs) I’ll reprogram her again. SKIP No, don’t. MCGRATH Don’t? SKIP ...we are who we are. END THEME MISSION VOICE Mission Rejected was created and produced by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, and John Dowgin. Associate producer, Paige Klaniecki. This episode was written by Pete Barry, J. Michael DeAngelis, John Dowgin, and Paige Klaniecki, from a story by Pete Barry and J. Michael DeAngelis. Directed by Pete Barry. It starred Chris Klaniecki as Skip Granger Nazli Sarpkaya as Mackenzie McGrath and Mini-McGrath Dave Stanger as Bowden Montcrief Paige Klaniecki as Gloria Kovak Faith Dowgin as Section Chief Zelda Anders with Kirk White as Chet Phillips and Katerina McGrath as the Mission Voice Also Starring Ashley Banks as Athena O’Brien Jill Ivey as Onlooker #2, Radio Voice, and Computer Bob Killion as Security Guy, Goon, and The Admiral Guest Starring David S. Dear as Terry Millionaire and Onlooker #3 Sheree Wichard as Marina O’Brien Pete Barry as Kristatos O’Brien, Dock Officer, and Kyle John Dowgin as Dock Lieutenant and Cyclist J. Michael DeAngelis as Harbormaster, Bryce, and Commissionaire Dustin Miller as Onlooker #1 Dustin Karrat as Blaze Taggert Natty Leach as Valerian Bonnie Brantley as Biddy #1 Sarah Golding as Biddy #2 Music, sound editing, and mixing by Pete Barry Script Editor J. Michael DeAngelis Finally, a season finale where I’m the real hero. Though, when you think about it…aren’t I the heroine of every episode? I think so. It’s hard work, so I’m going to put my feet up for a while before the next season. Don’t worry, we have lots of surprises in store to fill the time, especially for our Patreon members. Join us at patreon.com/missionrejected to get every episode early and ad-free, plus tons of bonus audio and hiatus extras. This has been a Porch Room production, copyright 2026 Extraordinary Missions Limited. Mission Rejected will return in 2027. INT. CHET’S HOUSE - MORNING SFX: Chet is asleep, moaning softly as if having an unpleasant dream. The room itself is quiet except for a ticking clock, but outside the window we can hear the faint sounds of civilization. The clock’s alarm goes off and Chet wakes with a start. CHET (Waking with a start) ATHENA! SXF: Chet catches his breath. CHET Jesus. Who uses an alarm clock? SFX: Chet smacks the alarm off. CHET I feel like I went on a three day bender that I can’t remember. Hope I had a good time. SFX: A radio bursts to life with pleasant “good morning” music. RADIO VOICE (ON RADIO) Good morning, citizens! It’s another beautiful day in the community! Don’t forget, the annual “best window box garden” contest is tomorrow...hope your thumbs have been green! CHET What? Where the hell am I? This looks like my house...but...god, when was the last time I was home? I was a prisoner at AthenaCorps, then Skipper and the company raided and then...THE ADMIRAL! He’s alive! I’ve got to find him! SFX: Chet runs out of the house to... EXT. THE COMMUNITY - MORNING SFX: A bustling, but old fashioned town center. Bicycles, but not cars. The same music from the radio is being played through a public address system throughout the town. CHET What the... SFX: A bicyclist rides by, ringing his bell. CYCLIST Clear the road! CHET (Jumping back) Who rides a penny-farthing!??! CYCLIST (Riding off. Said as a farewell) Tra la! CHET (Calling after) Hey, what is this place!?!? SFX: The penny-farthing rolls further down the path. CHET I’m still asleep. Or in a coma. Yeah, that’s it..it was only a matter of time, really. SFX: Two old biddies come strolling by. BIDDY 1 Good morning, young man! BIDDY 2 What a handsome new neighbor we have. CHET Ladies, I wonder if you might do me a favor. BIDDY 2 Anything for a neighbor! BIDDY 1 Especially a handsome one! CHET Can you tell me where we are? BIDDY 1 & BIDDY 2 The community! BIDDY 1 Silly boy! BIDDY 2 Tra la! BIDDY 1 Tra la! SFX: They move off. Chet starts to follow. CHET WHAT community!? If this is another crazy Oceanologist plot... SFX: Without having heard anyone approach, a refined English accented man is suddenly behind Chet. COMMISSIONAIRE No Oceanologists here, old boy. CHET (Spinning around, startled) Huh? COMMISSIONAIRE Hello, Caretaker. How’s every little thing? CHET Caretaker? Listen, you don’t want me taking care of anything. My name is Ch - COMMISSIONAIRE Zeta Tau. And you may call me the Commissionaire. You’ll find it’s much easier than using names. CHET What do you want with me? COMMISSIONAIRE Myself, nothing more than to make you feel at home here in the Community. Others may have more...lofty objectives. CHET Who’s in charge? Why was I brought here? COMMISSIONAIRE In good time, Caretaker, in good time! For now, why not have a spot of breakfast? We’ll talk again soon. Tra la. CHET I want to see the man in charge. COMMISSIONAIRE Listen, C.T., when I say you should get comfortable, I mean it. You’re going to be here for a very long time. CHET How long? COMMISSIONAIRE Forever. MUSIC: STINGER

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