My wife rushed me to the hospital unclothed… in the middle of a moment! | Reddit Stories | ft. Joey Cerone | EP3092

0:00 Hey, this is Angie.

0:01 And this is Dakota, your favorite OK Storytime hosts. And we've got some great stories coming up.

0:05 But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep this show running.

0:11 My wife rushed me to the hospital naked during mid-romance.

0:15 That's crazy.

0:17 Trigger warning, medical emergency. So let me start off by saying I may not be the sharpest bulb in the crayon box, but But I know things.

0:30 A combo of like three phrases and all of them were wrong.

0:33 I don't think those go together.

0:34 At all.

0:37 And one thing I know or thought I knew is when something is an absolute emergency. I hate going to the doctor or any of that, so I only go if I need to.

0:50 Or any of that. That's great. I don't like going to the doctor or, you know, any of that. Anything like that, I don't... Did this dude? Any of that, you know, I won't go to any of that. That's not, any of that, I'm good.

1:03 Anyway, it was actually a couple of years ago. My wife and I had a long day. It was like December.

1:10 It was like December?

1:13 This is an awesome guy. This is just a guy who doesn't really know what's going on at all. You said day and then mentioned a month. It was like December. I don't like any of that, so I wouldn't. I can't be tied down to a month. I don't like doing any of that stuff.

1:27 Light bulb in a crayon box.

1:29 I'm the sharpest bulb in the crayon. And I think it was December or something.

1:33 He was right. But the weather was like in the 70s, all day, kind of relevant.

1:38 Kind of relevant? Dude, this is a kind of person.

1:41 Yeah. Dude. This is a kind of person.

1:46 How does he pay his bills?

1:47 He kind of pays it, you know?

1:49 Yeah, he kind of. I just throw money in the mail and hope it gets to the right spot.

1:52 And all that.

1:53 And all that.

1:54 We, as parents with two darling children 10 years apart, miraculously were able to get a night alone together. Ooh.

2:03 Okay.

2:03 Miracles do happen.

2:04 And by golly, we were going to use it.

2:08 I feel like I know this guy. Yeah. This is like a guy in Indianapolis, I feel like.

2:13 It probably is.

2:14 I'm not the sharpest, but yeah, I mean, everything he's saying, I'm like, yeah, I've actually met a guy like this.

2:19 It might be one of your cousins.

2:20 It could be. By golly, we got a night together miraculously. It's an insane guy. By golly, I get to sleep with my wife. Holy cow.

2:30 Holy cow.

2:31 By Jeeve.

2:32 We went to the store and everything for groceries, you pervs.

2:36 I like how this guy writes, too. You know how he talks. You know for a fact you know how he talks, but this is how he writes.

2:42 It's like, dude, you don't have to give details. Like, you don't have to, but he's attempting to halfway.

2:49 Yes.

2:50 You don't have to flesh this out. If you wanted to, you could just go flat normal. Yes.

2:54 Inside thoughts are outside words.

2:56 Yeah. Four inside thoughts.

2:59 So after a day and some cleaning up, we sat down to relax, enjoy some TV. After some Hulu, she wanted to chill. I sound cringe. I know.

3:08 Oh, man.

3:09 Anyway, we head to the bedroom and proceed to do the dirty.

3:14 Your worst nightmare.

3:19 Sorry, OP.

3:20 I hate you. Dude. This is on like the Today I F'd Up subreddit.

3:30 Oh, 100%.

3:30 This is my favorite subreddit. We were switching into gears in positions like you wouldn't believe.

3:38 We were doing missionary.

3:40 Reverse missionary.

3:43 She's on bottom, I'm on top.

3:47 I was outside. She was inside. I was two doors down.

3:52 Yes.

3:52 Classics.

3:53 Most of it was, oh, this position hurts my back. Oof, my hip and knee hurt. We're kind of feeling the aches of life, but alas, we push forward with great ambitions. Okay.

4:08 Odysseus, like what- Start when you get hurt. I want to hear the preamble. I understand this is the whole precipice of Reddit and the show. Just shut up.

4:23 This is just trial by fire, you know.

4:25 Ow, my knee hurts. Oh, my God. It makes sense that it's a miracle because to get this guy to shut up, to have intercourse, it's a miracle.

4:34 Whatever.

4:34 Whatever.

4:35 This freaking guy.

4:35 This is so fun.

4:37 Oh, my God. And then eventually we settle on the good old back door.

4:41 Oh, that's so cool. This guy.

4:43 Yeah.

4:43 By golly goes.

4:44 By golly, we found the old back door. Yeah, we did. By the grace of God.

4:47 Through the jungle.

4:48 Through the jungle. Her knee hurt. And so I said, let's just try the butt. Sorry your knee hurts so bad. Let's just try the butt.

4:54 We'll take the pain away. Let's focus on that.

4:56 Let's just focus on the butt. We'll stay in missionary.

4:58 Shoot. She has already completed. And when I finally do, I have a sudden sharp... and searing pain in my head. Not a normal, oh, this is a migraine. By the way, this comes from spazo13, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Riley.

5:17 I'm Keon, and we have a special guest here.

5:20 Yes.

5:21 Let him know who you are.

5:22 Yes, from the comedy store, one of the doorman, it is.

5:27 Hi, I'm Joey Saron. Woo! That's what my handwriting looks like. I'm very sorry to do that. No, dude.

5:33 I thought it looks nice.

5:34 I shouldn't have done that. That's honestly the best I could do.

5:36 With what you have, yeah.

5:38 Which is a bad brain and bad hands.

5:40 Yes.

5:41 Joey, could you tell us who you are a little bit?

5:43 Absolutely. Hi, I'm Joey Cerrone. I'm a stand-up comedian. I'm from Indiana, from Bloomington, Indiana, originally. Moved to L.A. about three years ago. No way. Three years ago, yeah. I moved here when I graduated from university.

5:55 Oh.

5:55 Indiana University.

5:56 Oh, that one.

5:57 Oh.

5:57 Go Hoosiers. Go Hoosiers.

5:58 Okay.

5:59 National champions.

6:00 Yeah, we know who you are.

6:01 Yeah, then I moved here, got started. I'm a door guy over at the Comedy Store. Having a good time taking people to their seats. Doing stand-up. We get one spot a week. Pretty fun. Unfortunately, most of my days consist of nothing during the daytime and everything during the night. So it's nice to be out in the daytime. Wow, I appreciate that.

6:20 You're like a reverse vampire.

6:22 Yeah, I think just a regular vampire. Sure.

6:25 We're going to be here reading the story goofily. If you guys have anything you'd like to add, please add it down below. Right now, OP says, my vision is spotty and I'm seeing halos.

6:35 Ah, which one?

6:36 Two, three, halo four. Imagine you hit your head and you just start hearing, oh.

6:41 It's time.

6:42 And suddenly, another even worse pain hits me and I can't see out of one of my eyes because any amount of light is so bright it feels like I'm staring at the sun.

6:53 Is that like a stroke?

6:54 What is definitely? This is not like a, I thought his penis was going to break, if I'm going to be honest.

6:59 Yeah, honestly, that's what I thought.

7:00 This is the amount of pressure on the human body in its 50s to nut, you know?

7:06 And the fact that it was a miracle. He saved up all of his karma points.

7:10 I've been saving up.

7:12 And then the second they went to the good old reliable, God came and collected his pension. That's what happened.

7:17 That's enough. I stumble and almost fall off the bed. She asked in a unclothed panic, what's wrong? And helps me find the bed to sit as the pain is getting increasingly worse. And I now hear my heartbeat in my ears. And it feels like my brain is about to burst straight through my eye sockets. What an imagination.

7:40 I mean, I'm kind of back on his team. A flowery writer with beautiful prose.

7:44 Guys, remember the relevance of it's something in December.

7:47 Something like December. I also like that he put the brackets around unclothed just to be like, yeah, I did that.

7:53 Oh, that's us.

7:54 Oh, okay.

7:55 Censoring.

7:55 Oh.

7:56 Oh.

7:57 Well.

7:57 Yeah.

7:58 Honestly, let's be real. Let's be real.

8:00 I feel like it.

8:01 No, no, no.

8:01 You're good, dude.

8:02 You're good. That's on us.

8:03 I'm walking out. I ruined the show.

8:06 All good, bro. It's all I can do not to pass away from it. I tell her, I don't know what's wrong, but call 911. I can't see, and my effing brain is going to explode. She asks about Advil and all.

8:20 That's insane.

8:21 Yeah.

8:23 You good? Just ibuprofen?

8:24 Just throwing your husband's dead on the ground. You're just like, here's a Band-Aid and an ibuprofen. Get up.

8:30 This will fix him.

8:31 That's so insane. Someone that you just participated in the act of lovemaking with. Someone you, I would hope, love.

8:37 Yeah, that is love, honestly.

8:39 That is love.

8:40 Love is Advil and ibuprofen.

8:42 Yeah, no, that is true. That's when you've been together for a bit and you have kids and you're like, you're being a baby. Taking ibuprofen, throwing it into his mouth on the ground.

8:52 And I can tell it's not a simple migraine or headache. Something dangerous has to be wrong.

8:57 Yeah, brother, you said your eye is like staring into the sun.

9:00 Yeah, it's about to pop out of your head.

9:05 She calls. Reference, the fire station and EMS are literally next door to our apartment, and the ambulance are about one block away and almost always have a few people in there just in case.

9:17 I would hope the ambulance... Has people on standby at all times.

9:23 The most important part, I think.

9:25 Sometimes it gets busy and they're all out. I can kind of make out flashing lights as it dawns on me. We are still unclothed. I, one hand over my eye that can't see, stumbled into the dresser to dig out a pair of shorts that had no drawstring anymore. And she hurries and finishes dressing right as soon as they knock.

9:45 About six people file in and are suddenly checking vitals and asking stuff. And it's all confusing.

9:52 Because he doesn't do that sort of thing. It's confusing.

9:55 What's up, blood pressure?

9:56 He's like, I'm sorry, I don't normally do this. What are you looking at right now? And they're doing the stethoscope on the heart. He's like, I don't even know what this is. I'd never have done stuff like this.

10:04 Get that away from me.

10:06 What, are you killing me?

10:06 Is that a vaccine? Get out of here!

10:12 I don't do stuff like that!

10:14 Golly, try to kill me. And all I know is... is I feel like I'm about to pass away. That's when I notice among them is this tiny little lady who is Mennonite. And she asked what happened that led up to the issue. I have Mennonites that live like the next, like in the same area as me. I live in Sugarloaf and in Vashti. Mennonites, kindest people ever.

10:40 Are they? Yes.

10:41 My mom, she went to the pregnancy center and she knew this lady. She had 13 kids. They were all Mennonites.

10:46 That's intense.

10:46 We would take them lasagna.

10:48 Oh, man.

10:48 Nicest people ever.

10:49 That's very sweet.

10:50 Are Mennonites don't... So they're like.

10:53 Amish, but like Amish is a spectrum. I don't know where on the spectrum they are, but they do have electricity.

10:58 Oh, sick. And they're very sweet?

10:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

11:00 That's very nice. Yeah. Unfortunately, this Mennonite completely violated HIPAA almost immediately. You can't just walk in and be like, she's part of the crew.

11:08 I don't know.

11:08 I thought she was part of the crew.

11:09 Oh, okay.

11:10 If she's not a part of the crew, she is violated.

11:12 She just walked in.

11:13 I think I missed the part that she's part of the crew. And in my head, I just thought a Mennonite woman came into their house and was like, what's going on here?

11:20 I think she just saw people going in. She's like, that looks fun.

11:23 I should check this out.

11:24 I've never seen that. Imagine this person coming in just like.

11:27 Honestly?

11:28 Tiny, tiny, tiny woman.

11:29 You're seeing God out of one eye and then you see her out of the other. You're like, oh my God, Mother Mary. Holy cow.

11:35 Has my time come?

11:37 Is it over?

11:38 Is it over? Am I done?

11:39 I didn't get my nut off.

11:40 No.

11:41 My wife finished. I didn't.

11:42 Yeah.

11:44 I also want to revisit that. He put that in there to be like, She came. I didn't. Doesn't matter. Oh, yeah.

11:49 I forgot about that.

11:50 Doesn't matter. I'm really good at it.

11:51 Humble.

11:52 Humble. I'm really good at it, so I don't even care.

11:54 I'm good at it.

11:55 She's bad at it. You know how it is.

11:56 She's terrible. She almost killed me. She came, though. I didn't. Doesn't matter. Whatever.

12:01 I'm hot. And she asked, what happened that led up to the issue? So you have to explain the sexual situation to the men and women.

12:07 You know, I guarantee you for a fact, he's like, so.

12:09 So we were in bicycle.

12:12 We did the backdoor stuff. Backdoor stuff.

12:14 So we went to Older Life. I didn't have my fastball, so we went with a change-up today.

12:20 I try hard to be modest, and she's trying to get more detailed description of the events. And all I can think is that I'm going to pass away, and I don't want to offend anyone. We got a little bit left here. You're about to die. Who do you want to see before you die? Like, what kind of person? Theo Vaughn says Filipinos. Filipino nurse for him.

12:42 I'm here for that, yeah.

12:43 Actually, yeah. I'll tell you what. I would want to see... I think I would want to see the Pope. I'm not even Catholic or anything. Oh, wow. I just think it would be sick to like.

12:51 Like any Pope?

12:52 Any Pope.

12:52 I thought you had like a specific one in mind.

12:54 No. I mean, even the loose one that's in like West Virginia. There's like a loose Pope.

12:58 A loose Pope?

12:58 It's not a real Pope, but he's like running around saying he's the Pope. I like that. Even him. I think that would be cool to like die in a non, like explode or something and then just wake up and just see like a guy dressed as a Pope. You know, like, hmm, was it Catholic? Ah.

13:13 Ah.

13:13 Ah.

13:14 Dang it.

13:15 Ah, darn.

13:15 I picked the wrong one.

13:16 I picked, ah, I should have done that. That was an easy one.

13:18 Did you grow up Methodist?

13:20 I did, yeah. Oh, yeah, like a stomp and holler type of church, you know, where the band is. They fired the band leader at my old church because he got tattoos. It was that kind of church.

13:30 Dude, Southern Baptist.

13:32 Yeah, incredible.

13:33 I just asked to get help climbing into the ambulance since I'm a man, and even if I'm passing away... I gotta seem tough and strong.

13:41 Yeah, we got that, Opie.

13:42 Yeah, that's awesome, man. She came, you didn't. Awesome.

13:45 We speed to the ER. Wife follows behind and hasn't taken a chance to clean up. Gods, I love that woman. The nurses and doctor.

13:54 Hold on, he said gods, not God. He pluraled gods.

13:58 Whoa, this guy might not be Midwest.

14:00 That actually kind of says everything I need to know.

14:03 The nurses and doctor do all these tests and I get a CAT scan, pray... E-E-G. E-K-G? All the E's and all the G's along with the rest of the alphabet? About four hours later?

14:17 Yeah, ZZ Top, you know.

14:20 Is pray a test?

14:21 I don't know!

14:22 Okay, because I also like if it is just praying that it's second. That they do the cat scan and they were like, let's just take some time.

14:29 That's why the Mennonite was there.

14:33 I think it is what you think it is. I think it's just praying. It's like just the normal praying. I don't think it's like a.

14:38 Hospitals do have like chaplains, I think, in it. About four hours later, they finally come back with results. What I had was called a harmless orgasmic headache.

14:50 So that's what I called? I called it. Yeah, that's what I said. I was like, it's just like, you saved up.

14:54 Yeah, it was too much in the bank.

14:56 It was too much in the bank.

14:57 You tried to defy it too much at once. And the bank teller.

15:00 Your body literally, like, you almost went to heaven. That's how, that's.

15:04 What?

15:04 You were so, yeah.

15:06 Dude, Bruno Mars is right.

15:08 Oh my God.

15:09 Holy cow.

15:10 And he got locked out. Dang.

15:12 I think he got locked out if he didn't actually get to.

15:14 Of course. So that's what Bruno Mars avoided by getting locked out of heaven. We could have lost Bruno Mars.

15:19 We could have, bro. And because of how they happen, they feel identical to a brain aneurysm bursting. In other words, it's a headache that actually feels bad. And we get discharged and find out that 70 degree weather I was wearing shorts for is gone and it snowed. Wait, so it's snowing now? Okay. Yeah, okay.

15:42 Relevant. Super relevant. Super relevant.

15:44 I guess for a headache.

15:45 It's like December or something.

15:47 The pressure change.

15:48 Yeah. On the way home, she asked if I want round two. I don't want the knockout. So I said no. And she still brags about it.

15:57 She brags about how hard she almost made you climax.

16:01 She almost killed you to death. Also, I assume this is an American story. Yeah.

16:06 It has to be. Dude, it has to be. He doesn't want to go to the hospital.

16:08 She's bragging. Yeah, of course.

16:10 Mennonite.

16:10 She's bragging, and they're still probably paying off the medical debt for the nine tests they did. Yeah.

16:16 Dude, actually, there was a movie that my mom made me watch, and in that movie, it was a Christian movie, but these two characters got together and did the deed, and- They wake up, and the guy's dead because he, like, something with his blood pressure or something shot up.

16:30 It happens all the time. It happens all the time.

16:32 And then my mom said, that could happen to you.

16:35 And she's right. That could absolutely happen. You could have a blood pressure. What a story.

16:41 What a story, dude. Yeah, that's the first one. We got some more just like it. How'd that one go?

16:46 Felt good.

16:48 In the pocket, dude.

16:49 I was kind of all over the place with that guy.

16:50 You couldn't get a read on him.

16:52 Not at all.

16:53 I feel like I want to.

16:54 It was kind of like it felt like he was pumped about a lot of stuff in the story and was bragging a lot, but also was like, oh, I don't want to seem like I'm bragging.

17:04 Yeah.

17:04 Which is fine.

17:05 Like humble brags.

17:06 A lot of humble brags. I'm glad he didn't die. I'm glad that Advil would have worked. Funny. If you had listened to your wife, you wouldn't have gone to the hospital.

17:14 That's a lesson in the story here.

17:16 Listen to your wife.

17:17 All right. We got another story. You boys ready?

17:19 Yeah, are you ready? Joey, are you ready?

17:21 I'm so excited.

17:22 I accidentally sent a photoshopped image of my boss to the work group chat.

17:29 Oh, no.

17:30 It was Father's Day. My boss on my team of 10 sends a photo of his entire family, including his three baby grandchildren, three kids, their spouses, his daughter doesn't have a spouse, and his wife. My boss is not a good looking man.

17:48 What the hell?

17:48 Dude.

17:49 Lay off.

17:52 Lay off. Get out. The face only a blind mother could love.

17:57 What the hell?

17:59 That's crazy.

18:02 We really got some good stories.

18:04 On Father's Day.

18:06 Let him live. He has so many kids. Yeah, leave him alone. Unfortunately for his family, especially the female offsprings, his genes are strong as F. So, Ugly. Yeah.

18:20 Being nice here.

18:21 Ugly.

18:21 Dang, bro. Ugly family.

18:23 That's okay. Probably good heart.

18:26 I love an ugly family. They're nice. Or mean.

18:28 Oh.

18:29 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

18:30 Really bad. It's either one.

18:31 It's a flip of a coin. Yeah.

18:33 I also hate my boss with a passion.

18:35 No way.

18:36 Yeah.

18:37 He had also just brought his lazy son, who is about my age, onto the team. And I was taken out of all client interaction because his son needed exposure.

18:49 Expose yourself to him. There you go.

18:51 Awesome.

18:52 Double, double, double. Two birds, one stone. You expose yourself to him.

18:56 Dude.

18:57 And you get fired.

18:58 This is how you get ahead in the work field.

19:00 That's true.

19:01 This is how Joey became a doorman.

19:03 I exposed myself. You can too. I would never say that.

19:08 Not here.

19:09 The general manager is a gorgeous guy.

19:11 Aww.

19:12 Sorry, Ryan.

19:13 His son regularly flapped in the work bathroom with people sitting next to him?

19:20 See, he's exposing himself. Yeah, he knows that. He wants to do exposure. We'll never run a business.

19:24 Yeah.

19:26 His son got the exposure he needed.

19:27 How do you think the boss got the job?

19:29 Yeah, expose yourself.

19:30 Expose yourself.

19:31 But that's another story.

19:33 Sure is.

19:34 I luckily had one really good work friend on my team who also hated my boss. But he was higher up and didn't really need to deal with him as much. As his work group chat is falling off, we are just ripping into his family. We are... both pretty tipsy because F it, it's Father's Day and we're not fathers.

19:55 My favorite thing to do. And never once, I've never been a father for one Father's Day and never once have I been like, I gotta get drunk right now.

20:05 In honor of dads.

20:06 I gotta get tipsy, it's Dad Day. And I, you know, It's not even a holiday. Wow. It's a Sunday.

20:12 It says a lot about how your father treated you.

20:14 I love my dad. I just think that is, that's funny to make it seem like that's something that we're all doing, like a fourth of July. Yeah, right.

20:20 Come on, boys.

20:21 Yeah, so it's Father's Day, so we were tipsy, of course.

20:24 We gotta get crunked.

20:25 We gotta get crunked because we're not dads.

20:27 Yeah. This entire time, we're joking about how crazy it would be if we accidentally sent this to the wrong chat. I was laughing or LOLing because it was text. at him like he would be an idiot if he sent it to the wrong chat. I had a... Eureka. Moment.

20:46 Just say your.

20:48 By the way, this comes from Babyboyblue. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Riley.

20:55 I'm Keon. And we have a special guest here. Let them know who you are.

20:58 Yes.

20:58 Explain yourself.

21:00 Hi, I'm Joey.

21:01 That's it. He's just Joey.

21:02 I'm a stand-up comedian here in beautiful, sunny Los Angeles. Over at the gorgeous Comedy Store. I'm a door guy over there. If you're ever in town, don't come up to me. But I'm there.

21:10 Don't show me your ID.

21:11 Don't show me your ID. Please, just come in. Just bypass security. Run into the front door.

21:16 There we go. And we're going to have a good time reading this story. We also don't know that much. If you have anything you'd like to add, please add it down below.

21:23 Riley just said we're stupid. We don't know anything.

21:27 That's what we got. We got to let them know because they think we're like the smartest people ever. You don't know about how to take care of a child.

21:34 It's like, no.

21:35 I'm still a child.

21:36 We're not the sharpest bulbs in the crayon box.

21:38 I'm going to start saying that.

21:40 So, Opie says, I'm pretty good with face in the hole and use it often for funny memes. I faced in the hole his ugly face into his entire family except for his daughter. This included his two sons, three granddaughters, his wife, and two daughter-in-laws. I made this thing a masterpiece. I was using tone. contrast switched angles to match everything it was the mona lisa effed up face.

22:12 In the hole we can't toss around mona lisa like that that's a denigration of the mona lisa oh my.

22:19 God and he says the best part is you couldn't even tell that his daughter wasn't facing the hold and that his granddaughters were photoshopped.

22:29 That is horrible this is an evil human being with.

22:33 No empathy You have to get fired.

22:35 For fellow man. Oh, yeah.

22:37 I do not care.

22:37 That's insane. That's so mean to not Photoshop her.

22:43 Come on, man.

22:44 That's crazy.

22:45 I think he has a crush on her.

22:47 Has to. Well, I hope so. Has to.

22:48 She's also the only one that's not married.

22:50 That's like next level hating.

22:53 In pure excitement of this masterpiece I created, I saved it and immediately sent it to my buddy waiting for my glorious applause. I sent it. All of a sudden, a text notification at the top comes up from my work buddy that says, what the F question mark?

23:12 Your work buddy's throwing you under the bus.

23:13 Immediately.

23:17 This guy knows how to play the game.

23:19 What's wrong with you? Why would you do that?

23:22 It took me a second to register that I had sent that to my entire team. I hadn't said anything in the group chat at all. To this point. My first message was this picture that had multiple layers of F-up-ness. I literally jump up from the couch and throw my phone against the couch. Saying, oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. And start profusely sweating and pacing frantically in the living room. My fight or flight response kicked in and I wanted to run like Forrest Gump.

24:00 Felt like running.

24:01 My wife freaks out, thinking I just found out I had terminal illness or something, and I told her what happened. She had no idea of the effed up crap we were sending. She had just heard me giggling like a little schoolgirl from across the couch. She immediately tries to calm me down, saying it's probably not that bad. I show her the picture, and her jaw breaks.

24:25 She's like, holy crap, he's an artist.

24:28 I had no idea you were capable of that.

24:31 You put so much effort into this. You put more effort into this than our relationship. Holy crap.

24:35 This is the Mona Lisa of this.

24:37 Da Vinci?

24:38 Da Vinci. Da Vinci? Whatever weird stuff you do, this is the Mona Lisa of it.

24:42 Okay. She says, we need to think of something. I call my buddy, who is laughing hysterically at my stupidity, and I'm like, You need to bombard the chat so hopefully he doesn't see it. He starts sending messages and asks people how their Father's Day is going to get more interactions as I'm just panicking, sweating, contemplating quitting before I could get fired. My wife ends up having a genius plan by telling me to text Happy Father's Day, boss's name, to you and your mini-me's, which I thought was genius, but I sent it like 15 minutes ago and 20 messages later So it was random at that point and maybe put more attention on it. That's smart. Okay.

25:25 I finished my. I couldn't really get the face right.

25:32 Joey's an artist.

25:33 So I just wrote ugly. And then there's a beautiful daughter. She's the only one with a face. Aww. And she's beautiful.

25:41 Is her mouth like this?

25:42 Yeah.

25:43 Or is it like. And she has a mustache.

25:45 Mustache.

25:46 Billy Idol was singing about that. It's Eyes Without a Face, right? Yeah, there it is.

25:50 This is the Billy Idol song.

25:51 Wow.

25:51 Yeah, so that's the best I can do. They're all ugly.

25:55 Happy Father's Day to you and your mini-me.

25:59 Happy Father's Day to you and your ugly children.

26:01 Except for that one daughter.

26:02 And one daughter.

26:03 That one daughter? She looks just like you.

26:05 She's got your eyes, boss. And your face. Your toe face.

26:09 Oh, the toe face is from Spy Kids?

26:12 Yeah. Cool.

26:13 Okay, so my buddy tells me our other coworker texted him on the side. WTF, did OP just send? Is he trying to get fired? Also, wasn't boss's daughter's name the only one not photoshopped? Tough.

26:28 Maybe you weren't that good at Photoshop.

26:30 Yeah. It's that obvious. Tough.

26:33 It was like 9 p.m. at this point, and my wife is trying to console me, but I could tell she was worried too. And tomorrow, he has to go into work. Nah.

26:44 No, you don't. You don't have to go to work.

26:45 Just start looking for job applications right now. You don't have to go to work.

26:47 You can just not go to work. Just don't go.

26:49 Use your PTO. This is the time.

26:51 Yeah, this is the time. Go to Europe.

26:53 Ugh.

26:54 Like, maybe your boss didn't see that photo where you photoshopped his ugly face onto his entire family, including his baby granddaughters. I couldn't sleep at all that night. I just rolled around sweating, thinking about what the heck I'm going to say to him and explain to myself.

27:12 Easy. Easy. Happy Father's Day.

27:14 Happy Father's Day. Yeah.

27:15 Whoops.

27:15 Happy Father's Day.

27:16 You know what?

27:17 You inspire me.

27:18 You inspire me all the time. Your beautiful family is an inspiration.

27:22 Yeah. Yeah, he might not think his face is ugly. Yeah.

27:24 Exactly. I'm sure he does. If you're a boss.

27:27 That's why he's mean.

27:28 That's why he's mean.

27:29 And he looks at his ugly face. That's why his son goes to the bathroom.

27:32 And just goes to town.

27:34 Oh, I forgot about this.

27:35 His married son.

27:36 Yeah.

27:37 His married son.

27:38 It's called stress relief, all right?

27:39 And he's trying to not get prostate cancer.

27:41 Sorry.

27:42 I'm just trying to be healthy. You're just catching up.

27:44 I'm just catching up. Home life has been slammed. I haven't been able to clear myself.

27:49 I need to expose. Yeah, I need exposure.

27:51 I need exposure. I need to expose myself immediately.

27:53 Yeah.

27:53 In the bathroom.

27:54 Do I just go up to my boss first and apologize? Do I wait and pray that he didn't see it? I went through every possible scenario in my head and they all sucked. Oops.

28:05 There's not the one scenario where he's like, what if he likes it?

28:09 I know. We're through every scenario.

28:11 Dr. Strange it?

28:12 Yeah.

28:12 And he goes, one.

28:14 This is the only one.

28:15 One.

28:16 This is the only path.

28:18 Oops. I accidentally slipped and photoshopped your face onto your entire family and then sent it in a group chat. I get ready for work early because I legit couldn't sleep. I feel like a prisoner on passing row making his last walk. But I didn't get a tasty last meal because I felt like I was going to vomit. I'm the first one in the office to... And I'm pretending to work and trying to play it cool. Our assistants come in, and I'm thinking, all right, be sharp here and act like nothing happened.

28:48 Hey, what's up, guys? How's the weather?

28:49 Yeah?

28:50 Hey. You like to work. Texting, right?

28:52 Crazy.

28:53 Who invented that?

28:54 Alexander Graham Bell. You know?

28:56 That guy.

28:57 Got it. Well, have a good one.

29:00 Happy Monday.

29:00 I'll be at my desk.

29:01 That was your father's day.

29:02 Good. Good.

29:03 Cool.

29:03 It was good. Move on.

29:04 Got wasted.

29:05 Go to work. I got wasted on five. You guys also? You know how we all do it every year?

29:11 Yeah, every time.

29:12 Just get hammered on Father's Day.

29:13 Hammered.

29:14 All right, well, I got a lot of work. Oh, man.

29:20 They said nothing about it, like they didn't see me insult our boss's entire family via a masterpiece facing the hole. I'm starting to calm down, thinking no one saw it. Then my work buddy comes in, and he's just passing away laughing, which brings my anxiety up. He can see me from his office. so every time a new co-worker comes in his eyes get wide like oh crap there it comes as he's chuckling no one says anything and then the moment of truth comes.

29:51 In hey it's Dakota your favorite goofball host here and we're gonna get back to the stories but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

29:59 And my fat, ugly boss walks in with his fat, ugly son.

30:07 Okay, the son deserves it. He's a monster.

30:09 Yeah.

30:11 You don't got to do this.

30:12 You just said ugly, bro.

30:14 I mean, it was ugly the whole time until this sentence. And guess what?

30:20 You're fat, too. This is Opie's boss.

30:24 Oh, dude.

30:25 Oh, what's up? Jeremy Allen White played Rada the Hut. Jabba and Rada.

30:32 Dude.

30:33 Hey, Jabba, Rada's been doing something in the bathroom. I didn't want to be the one to bring this up to you, but Rada's been relieving pressure in the restroom.

30:42 He's really stressed out. He needs exposure.

30:44 It's insane how they built him.

30:46 Wait, is that in the Star Wars universe?

30:48 Yeah, that's Rod of the Hut.

30:49 That's Rod of the Hut.

30:50 Wait, that's actually real?

30:51 Yeah, that's Jabba the Hutt's son played by Jeremy Allen White. It's Rod of the Hut.

30:54 Yeah, he's from Boston.

30:56 It's Rod of the Hut. There's Jabba the Hutt.

31:01 There's your boss. That's boss.

31:02 That's your boss.

31:03 I started sweating again. WTF, by the way, just a crappy response to fear. He just walks by me and says nothing. No hi, no good morning, just nothing. Okay, kind of weird for him. but not bad. I'm watching his every move like I'm some psycho analyst trying to read a serial unaliver's body language. Nothing happens, and I'm convincing myself he didn't see it. Maybe my face in the hole was so good that he thought I just sent the original photo copy back.

31:35 Except for the daughter.

31:36 Everyone but the daughter.

31:38 Except for the daughter.

31:39 12 p.m. comes by, and he comes up to me and says, OP, wanna grab some lunch? I'm good, not hungry. I just had a big breakfast. Well, walk with me across the street to get food. All right, I guess. Time had come.

31:55 No, the best thing you could do is like, I got diarrhea. I can't.

32:00 I had to go back to my house. I did something horrible. I was just waiting to talk to you about it.

32:06 Gotta go to the bathroom, relieve some stress.

32:09 Immediately, if your boss is like, let's go walk across the street, I'm going to be like, your son's doing crazy stuff in the bathroom.

32:14 Yeah. Here's a video of it.

32:15 Here's what your son's been doing. I don't need to get food with you. Here's what your son does in the bathroom.

32:21 Yeah, how do you get out of this?

32:25 I think you say no as long as you can.

32:27 Yeah.

32:28 You're just like, no, I think big breakfast, you hit that. And then when he's like, no, come across the street, you're like, it was so big, actually, I can't stand up. It was actually the biggest breakfast. I had metal and iron and tungsten. So I'm not even hungry and I can't walk.

32:43 You're bulking.

32:44 You should probably go to the emergency.

32:45 I'm bulking. You know, I don't normally do stuff like that, but if you could take me to the emergency room, that would be kind of dope.

32:51 That'd be nice, man.

32:53 If your son could. I don't really need it.

32:54 Ugh. The time had come. I didn't get away easily. As we were walking out, my buddy Army saluted me like it was the last time he would see me. He starts with small talk, and I could barely answer because I'm just thinking about how I would come up with an excuse to I have to wait for this effort to get his stupid salad bar as I'm starting to sweat again. I look like a walking food violation because the sweat was coming through my shirt.

33:25 Oh, yeah, it has to be. Going to a full salad bar is so funny.

33:29 Yeah, he's having fun with his meal.

33:33 Yeah, you just see this guy's full sweating. You're like, I'm going to make my own salad.

33:37 Get some croutons in here.

33:38 I'm making some croutons. I'm going to do a couple laps.

33:40 Yeah.

33:41 I'm going to do another one.

33:41 I think I'm going to try one of everything.

33:44 I'm going to wait for them to bring out the fresh lettuce.

33:46 I don't even like arugula, but you know what? I think I'm going to try arugula today.

33:50 I think they call it rockets in England. I'm going to try a rocket. This is what you get for being a cruel human being. Unless your boss is also. Well, again, the sun I think is exempt. I think however mean you want to be to the sun, go after it.

34:06 Get after it. But we don't really know what the boss has done, though.

34:09 That's true. But I genuinely, the daughter thing is one of the most horrible things. Not photoshopping the daughter is so horrible.

34:17 So effed up, dude.

34:18 I mean, that's an insanely mean thing to do. But we don't know what the boss did. But that's fair. But the daughter is a horrible collateral.

34:26 Yeah. Let us know if you face in the hole at all in your free time. Love to know. So we walk back. He's asking about my career aspirations and all these things. This guy did not mention it the entire time. He was just 100% mind effing me and it worked. It was honestly worse than if he had just called it out. I got back to work and I was safe. No one else on the team mentioned it again. My buddy would always randomly send me the photo while working. Just to eff with me. I end up quitting about six months later for a much better job thinking about sending it to that chat again next Father's Day as a nephew. And that's it.

35:06 Why do you need an FU? It seems like your life is good.

35:09 Yeah, he didn't mention it.

35:10 You have a better job and you didn't get in trouble. Why are you still being mean?

35:15 Yeah, he was asking about.

35:16 You, dude. You learned no lesson from this.

35:18 He probably would have gotten you lunch too.

35:20 Yeah, you learned no lesson from this. You quit six months later, got a better job, and you're still laying into this guy about being fat and ugly? Move on. With your life. Enjoy your new job. Stop coming back to your fat, ugly boss. Let him breathe.

35:35 How miserable are you, OP? You have a good life. You have a wife that cares about you.

35:40 Who helps you. Your wife came up with a plan.

35:43 Yeah.

35:43 And it's art. Yeah. You're so good at Photoshop.

35:46 I mean, that's so funny to just, to be so hyper-focused on something that did not go wrong. Well, I think because it didn't go wrong, now OP is like, I'm actually the king. Nobody can touch me sort of thing.

36:00 I'm the best there ever was.

36:02 I'm the best at facing the hole, which you might be. Can't imagine there's a whole lot of competition.

36:07 Yeah, honestly.

36:08 There's always someone better.

36:09 There's somebody somewhere doing a better job as a guest on a podcast. Oh, man.

36:13 We got another story. How you feeling?

36:15 I feel fantastic.

36:16 Feels fantastic. You're doing great.

36:17 Thank you very much. It's an honor to be here. Yeah, yeah.

36:20 That first story was great. This is fun.

36:22 This one. Also, someone said something about my shirt earlier I wanted to plug real quick.

36:26 Yeah, what you got?

36:27 It's a Fort Wayne band. Fort Wayne, Indiana. My buddy's called Man of the Flood. It's a great album called Sorry Puppy.

36:32 Oh, thank you.

36:33 Dude, what a friend.

36:34 If you want to listen, my friends are in that band.

36:36 Heck yeah, dude.

36:37 Sorry Puppy. Thanks, kitten.

36:38 Sorry Puppy. Thanks, kitten. Goodbye, rabbit.

36:43 Hello, donkey.

36:44 That's good. That's pretty fun.

36:45 That is.

36:45 That was really good.

36:46 Thanks, man.

36:47 It's a bullseye.

36:48 Yeah, I grew up on a farm. We had goats.

36:51 How many? Were they milk goats or just hanging?

36:54 Just hanging. I lived on a compound. Okay. So my house, through some woods, aunt's house, grandmother's house.

37:02 Oh.

37:03 Through some more woods, great-grandfather's house, cousin's house.

37:06 Okay. A family compound.

37:08 And then right here, garden. Over here, garden. Over here, apple orchard, basketball court. Over here, goats.

37:17 Interesting.

37:17 And then now my great-grandfather passed away last year. So my cousin, who's now having her third baby on the way, she's 26.

37:25 Congratulations.

37:25 Thank you. Is remodeling great-grandpa George's house into her place.

37:32 That's wild. That is really cool.

37:34 Yes.

37:34 All right, we got another story. You guys ready?

37:37 Yep.

37:37 Oh, yeah.

37:38 I think my brother's girlfriend has feelings for me. He's about to propose.

37:43 Sorry, I was doing the math on that. When he's about to propose, I was like, to you?

37:49 Okay.

37:49 Okay. No. Okay, he's going to propose to the girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The girlfriend has feelings for him.

37:55 For OP.

37:55 So now I've done the math on it.

37:57 I can run it back.

37:57 No, that's okay.

37:58 This is raw.

37:59 This is real. It's okay. This is live TV.

38:01 This is live TV to most people.

38:04 I was doing the math on it. Okay. Yeah, that makes sense.

38:07 Yeah, that makes sense.

38:08 That sucks.

38:12 My brother, let's call him Jose, and his girlfriend, Valerie, fake names, have been together since high school. They're 30 and 28 now and live together. It's like a decade, bro.

38:25 That's a long time.

38:26 As far as I know, they have a good relationship. They did take a one-year break a few years ago, but Jose never really talked about what happened.

38:36 Oh, yeah.

38:36 Okay, we all know what happened.

38:38 Yeah, one-year break.

38:39 One-year break. There's a lot of days in that year.

38:41 A lot of days. Long days. Long dog days.

38:45 He just said there were no hard feelings on his end, And he still loved her. He had a great year.

38:51 How many?

38:52 Okay.

38:55 I didn't ask how it was. How many?

38:56 I had a great year.

38:59 They eventually got back together and moved in and have been together ever since. I'm 25 and went to college out of state. So honestly, I wasn't that close with Valerie growing up. I've only gotten to know her since I came back earlier this year. My brother got a new job that gives us more time to hang out, so he started inviting me over more to watch games, movies, play video games, etc. At first, I thought Valerie was just being nice. She'd make sure there was food when I came over, and if she didn't cook, she'd go out and buy something. She remembers all my favorite snacks and foods and will have them there when I come over, and sometimes she'll bring me food while Jose and I are playing a game. Then, I started noticing other stuff.

39:48 Hey, it's Angie, your favorite fake redhead host here, and we're going to get.

39:54 Back to the stories, but here's a three-minute ad break from our sponsors.

39:58 But just OP, not Jose.

40:00 Yeah, but I feel like that, I mean.

40:02 Yeah.

40:02 I mean, that's nice. That's just like a nice person.

40:04 That's a nice thing.

40:05 Yeah, you have a guest over, you bring the guest food. Jose can get his own food. He knows where the food is.

40:10 Yeah, this is what we do in the South Midwest.

40:11 Yeah, you just, if there's a guest over, it's Zeus's law. Yeah. I feel like that's pretty normal, remembering snacks and stuff that Could be weird-ish, but it's like your brother, you've been dating this guy for like 12 years. Yeah.

40:23 I'm having a dinner party tonight, and I'm going to have food there.

40:27 You know what my favorite foods and snacks are?

40:29 I do, and I'm not making them. I'm making my favorite food and snacks to share with you guys.

40:34 Okay.

40:35 By the way, this comes from throwawaybrosgirlfriend123, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okstorytime subreddit. I'm Riley.

40:43 I'm Keon, and we have a very special guest.

40:46 Introduce.

40:47 Introduce yourself.

40:48 I am Joey Cerrone. It's great to be here. I'm a stand-up comedian. I work over at the gorgeous Comedy Store here in West Hollywood, California. From Indiana originally. Moved here about three years ago. Having a great time in the beautiful, sunny weather.

41:02 Joey, thanks for coming on to one of the top 100 comedy podcasts out there.

41:08 Look at that.

41:09 We're so close to 50. We're almost top 50.

41:11 That's going to be so sick.

41:13 Joey, what's the staple food for Indiana? If you had to be like, this is the food that you have to try in Indiana.

41:21 The official state food we share with Iowa, the pork tenderloin. Now, I don't eat meat, so I don't know how good it is, but people love it. They do the big flat one where the bun is this big and the meat is that big. That's what we're known for.

41:35 Corn. Corn.

41:36 Popped corn.

41:37 Popcorn. I love popcorn.

41:38 Corn on the cob.

41:39 We are some funny, goofy guys giving funny, goofy advice. And if you guys have anything you'd like to add, please add it down below. Obie says, She makes me little baskets with my favorite things or stuff I've mentioned wanting or needing.

42:04 She's just a nice lady.

42:06 It's called listening.

42:06 Yeah.

42:07 She's a caring, empathetic lady.

42:09 She listens. Man, if everyone did this who listened to me, I would have been married.

42:14 A millionaire.

42:14 Yeah.

42:14 A long time ago.

42:16 This is a classic 20, like dumb guy.

42:18 Yeah. Right.

42:19 Cause you never had anyone to be nice to. Yeah.

42:21 I was going to say, maybe just doesn't have any friends.

42:23 Yeah. This is just kind of what it's like to have buddies that care about you and love you.

42:27 Yeah. I've also caught her staring at me a lot when we're hanging out, and she asks about me a lot, about my work, friends, dating life, etc. There have also been a few specific situations that made me start thinking more about it. When I first moved away for college, she offered to drive me since my mom and brother couldn't get the time off. My mom was able to do it, switch shifts, so it wasn't needed. Another time, I needed to borrow something from Jose, and he told me to just stop by since Valerie works from home.

43:02 When I got there, she insisted I stay for dinner and hang out until Jose got home, and she even brought her work laptop into the living room so she could work there instead of her office.

43:13 It's just a very nice, thoughtful, kind human being who maybe is like, wow, this guy, I don't think he's ever had anyone be nice to him before.

43:21 True.

43:21 So I'm going to be real nice.

43:23 As a single guy, it is hard to decipher when a woman is flirting... Or being nice to you.

43:29 Yeah, but in this specific situation, I feel like.

43:32 Just nice.

43:33 Just a nice lady who's been dating your brother for like 12 years.

43:37 Had an interesting break.

43:39 Yeah.

43:40 He won't talk about it.

43:40 Just a one-year break.

43:42 Won't go into detail about it.

43:43 But it sounded like he had a good time during the break. Maybe she didn't. She's just a nice... Come on, dog. You gotta touch grass a little bit on this. She wanted me to stay for dinner.

43:53 Till my brother got home.

43:54 Till my brother was here.

43:55 Uh-oh.

43:58 Sparks are flying.

43:59 Then there was another incident that made me think about it even more. One day, Valerie and I both had to work late and my family was having a game night with some distant cousins who were in town. Jose was already there, so Valerie asked if I could give her a ride.

44:15 Yeah, she's into him.

44:16 There it is.

44:17 She wants him bad. Can I get a ride to the family event? Okay, let's lay off, lady.

44:24 You're dating my brother.

44:25 Like ride or ride?

44:26 Yeah, what kind of ride are you talking about?

44:29 She doesn't drink at all and says she hates booze because she's never found anything she likes. So I know it wasn't about needing a sober ride. The drive was pretty long and we talked the whole time and she was basically singing along to basically every song I played.

44:44 Okay, again, she's just a nice lady with joy in her heart.

44:50 Lay off. She sings the songs I play. All right. Okay. Great. She knows music. She's got good taste.

44:56 Yeah.

44:56 You just like her.

44:57 Yeah, exactly.

44:58 Yes.

44:59 Oh, it's a bug. Opie has a crush and is convinced that she wants him.

45:02 Yes. You just like her and she's just too nice. This is why you got to go outside.

45:07 Yeah, dude.

45:08 Legitimately, this is why you have to go outside.

45:10 This is the first time Opie's talking to a girl.

45:12 It feels like it where it's like, she asked me for a ride and I know it's not because she drinks. What are you talking about? She just wants to show up to this family event with you so that she's not going alone. Yeah.

45:23 She's singing songs I play. I think she loves me.

45:27 To be real, Jose's already there.

45:28 Yeah.

45:29 And it's a long drive anyway. She's going to have to drive there and back alone in her own car. Instead, she's going to hitch a ride with you there and then hitch a ride with Jose.

45:38 Yeah, come back with Jose.

45:39 I would do that. That's just common sense. That's just easy. Yeah, that's common sense.

45:42 Come on, dog.

45:43 Oh, what stood out to me afterward is that when she was younger... She used to get carsick and would usually fall asleep in the car on family trips. But this time, she was fully awake and talking the entire ride. People grow up!

45:58 God forbid she changes from getting carsick as a child to growing up and not getting carsick as an adult.

46:05 She maybe copes by singing along to songs.

46:08 You have no idea. Or maybe she's like, oh, well, I'll just talk because it's a long ride. So I'll just participate when it's just two of us. This is the most you-gotta-touch-grass kind of guy. Doc, come on. Get a hold of yourself.

46:21 Get a hint.

46:22 Get a hint. She's just having a nice time.

46:24 She breathes my oxygen. She's in love with me. That's insane.

46:28 You have to talk to more people. Unfortunately, that's the only thing here. She's singing songs and she's staying awake. Yeah. So could it get any more obvious? She used to fall asleep when she was a kid.

46:41 You do the math. She also told me she's never realized how much we have in common with In terms of music, books, movies, et cetera.

46:52 She just wants to get to know her future brother-in-law.

46:55 Maybe she just has interest.

46:57 Yeah.

46:57 Cool.

46:58 Maybe she didn't know you that well when you were in college, and now she's making up for lost time.

47:02 I want to know what things that she's into, he's into. It should be big multimedia things.

47:09 She watched Spider-Man, which I was like, that's crazy. I also did that.

47:14 She likes Bad Bunny.

47:15 She read a couple books with words.

47:18 I've done that.

47:19 She knows the alphabet. I know the alphabet.

47:21 I know the alphabet. Her steering wheel in her car, left side of the car. That's where mine is. She just wants to get to know you, dude. Because you're going to be her brother-in-law. Unless you're creepy and you explode it.

47:32 I think that's what it's getting to. Maybe none of this means anything and she's just a really nice person. I honestly don't know.

47:40 We could tell.

47:41 But the staring, attention, remembering everything I like, and always wanting to spend time with me has started making me wonder if there's something more to it. For context, I'm not attracted to Valerie at all.

47:54 Okay, dog. Okay, sure. Let's say I believe you.

47:57 She's not my type. I've also been told I look like a younger version of Jose, so part of me wonders if that's something to do with how she treats me.

48:07 Okay, dude. Talk to a woman outside.

48:11 The reason I'm hesitant to say anything is because my entire family loves Valerie.

48:15 Yeah, because she sounds like an awesome person.

48:17 She probably does that to every single one of them, too.

48:20 Yeah.

48:21 You're like, gee, I wonder why... Everyone likes her. I wonder why my brother likes her. I wonder why they've been dating for so long.

48:29 The whole family loves her.

48:30 My sisters are always talking about how nice she is. They go on girls trips together. She's the godmother to both of my sister's kids. And my mom... absolutely adores her. My family constantly talks about how sweet, thoughtful, and amazing she is, especially how good of a cook she is. Basically, everyone thinks she's perfect.

48:50 Do you think she's perfect?

48:51 So all that stuff that you mentioned, maybe think about any of them. Everyone thinks she's sweet and thoughtful.

48:56 That's some thought processing.

48:57 Do you wonder if maybe she's doing this to everyone else? Why do you think they think she's thoughtful? Awesome. Is she in love with everyone in your family? He sees her bring cookies over for a family event, and he's like, oh my god. She loves her mom. Listen for me. She loves her mom.

49:11 I got to tell Jose.

49:13 I have to tell Jose. She loves our mom so much. She helped him clean up dinner. Oh, no. She wants to marry our dad.

49:21 Oh, no.

49:22 Wait.

49:23 Did she just give Grandma a plate of food?

49:26 Nuclear. This is nuclear.

49:27 Stop it.

49:28 Oh, my God. She wants to marry Grandma. She wants to marry Grandma. That's gonna kill Grandpa and Jose. Oh, no.

49:38 Hal's hodgepodge says, okay, speaking for the girls, I stare at people because they look like people I'm trying to figure out who.

49:47 That's fair. I mean, OP gave it the context of I look like a younger version of Jose. She probably goes, I see it.

49:52 Yeah. I kind of see it.

49:53 I agree.

49:54 Sometimes you see someone and you're like, that guy looks like a mix of someone and someone and you just take some time.

49:59 Yeah. So when Jose and Valerie broke up years ago, my family was really sad about it because they were so close with her and her family. I was away at college for most of that, so I never really had the same relationship with her that everyone else did. If I tell Jose, I feel like he'll probably be in denial because he's completely in love with her. Should I tell Valerie that I'm not interested and that some of her behavior is making me uncomfortable? Should I just start keeping my distance? Or should I tell my brother what I've noticed?

50:31 Hey, Jose, I... I think Valerie loves me.

50:37 I think if she is legitimately doing stuff that makes you feel uncomfortable, then just tell her that you're feeling uncomfortable. But don't concoct this whole story in your head that she loves you. It's totally fine to let someone know that your boundaries have been breached. And if that's the case, just be like, hey, I don't like it when you stare at me.

50:55 I don't like it when you cook my favorite food when I come over.

50:57 I don't like it when you remember seeing the top 40 or stay awake. You're not my type, first of all. First of all, Valerie, not my type. And you make me uncomfortable by listening to music and staying awake.

51:09 Oh, you're so into her.

51:11 Oh, my gosh.

51:12 And plus, if she was mean to him, game over.

51:15 Yeah.

51:15 He's going to fall in love, too.

51:17 I know, immediately.

51:17 Well, it's just as.

51:18 Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

51:20 If she's mean or making you uncomfortable, 100%, be like, hey, this sucks.

51:25 Opie's a modern-day Sherlock Holmes. Yeah, he solved the case.

51:29 But like.

51:29 He's like, I should be a detective. Crack the code.

51:32 Think about it a little bit. Sometimes there's no clues.

51:35 I would, I don't know, go up to her and say, hey, does she know what you like? Do you sing with her in the car?

51:39 Just double check. Ask everyone in your family, hey, has Valerie ever been, like, thoughtful to you?

51:44 I was gone for four years. I was, like, college, by the way.

51:47 And when she was here, was she, like, nice?

51:48 She knows my name.

51:49 There's one comment Prior Priority says, do not say an effing word about any of this to anyone. It'll end in all tears. Trust me, I know. Just keep your mouth shut and say nothing.

52:01 That also is weird. I don't love the tone of that, where it's, That one almost seems affirming to him. To be like, just keep your mouth shut. Don't say anything. It'll end in tears.

52:11 Oh, yeah, true. Don't say a word. There is enough.

52:13 Okay, keep going. Keep going.

52:14 There is enough there?

52:15 Yeah, there's enough there.

52:15 Oh, you added it? So I talked to another woman, and she was nice, too. I think every single woman is in love with me.

52:22 They all want to marry me.

52:23 There's a cashier at Trader Joe's, and you would not believe the stuff she was saying. She told me I got really good items, and the crispy wontons are her favorite.

52:32 So.

52:33 What am I supposed to do? So now my life is ruined.

52:35 Too much.

52:36 Now I can't go back to this Trader Joe's. The cashier's in love with me.

52:40 Okay.

52:41 Update.

52:42 Update five days later. So I didn't tell my brother or Valerie anything. Instead, I went to my sisters and told them what I'd noticed. They basically laughed at me and said I was being delusional.

52:52 Great job, sisters. Slam dunk.

52:55 They pointed out that I was going by my own logic. Valerie would probably be even more into them because she does some of the same things for them and more. Yeah.

53:08 Come on.

53:10 She's cooked them recipes she's seen online and they've wanted to try them and surprise them with meals or snacks they've mentioned wanting and sometimes stops by their work with coffee she makes herself. or leftovers that she and Jose didn't finish.

53:23 Opie's sweating bullets. He's like, holy shit, it's a family affair.

53:28 Oh no. Oh no. How are we going to tell Jose?

53:35 I honestly had no idea she did any of that. My family really doesn't cook much. If we do, it's usually pretty basic stuff. Valerie, on the other hand, is a really good cook and makes all kinds of dishes from different cultures too. My sisters explain that cooking for each other It's kind of a thing between them and Valerie.

53:53 If Valerie makes something good for them, they usually do that in return by making something for her. Or sometimes they'll take her out to eat.

54:01 Oh no, it's too late. They're married.

54:05 Gone too far.

54:07 She married the sisters.

54:10 It's not something Valerie does for everyone in the family. It's more of a mutual thing between her and my sisters. It's because Valerie loves your family and loves you, and this is how she shows love, dude.

54:20 Yeah, there you go. And Opie goes, said it. She loves me.

54:23 She loves me. I knew it. And I don't even, she's not even my type. But I don't love her. Yeah, she's not my type at all. I'm normally into, like, different girls.

54:30 I'm into girls who just treat me like nothing.

54:32 I'm into that.

54:34 Give me that.

54:34 Not really sweet girls.

54:36 Sweet girls?

54:36 They don't know my name. Oh, he's a goober.

54:39 They don't talk.

54:39 He really is.

54:40 This guy's a real goober.

54:41 They also pointed out something I completely overlooked. A lot of the snacks I thought Valerie specifically remembered for me were actually Jose's favorites, too.

54:50 You dork.

54:52 Sometimes Jose is the one who tells her what to buy, too, and when.

54:57 What an actual idiot.

54:58 You are just sweet as could be.

55:02 My sister said that when they're shopping with her, she'll sometimes say something like, Jose asked me to grab these for him and me.

55:09 Oh, my God. I think his brother wants to marry him. Oh, no. Jose wants to marry OP. Oh, man.

55:18 I guess she rubbed off on my brother, too, because he wasn't always as emotional or caring as he is now. Someone had also DM'd me if Valerie only served me food when I was over. No, she serves Jose his plate, too.

55:32 What was the first story? What was the full circle? What did he say? What did OP say in the first story? He's like, I'm not the sharpest tool.

55:39 In the crayon. The sharpest bulb in the crayon box.

55:42 Yep.

55:43 I think we found someone duller. Yep. I think we found a duller bulb somehow.

55:48 How? No idea.

55:49 I also like that he has this fixed reality where he's like, my brother was never emotional. And then I was gone for like five years. And I come back and out of nowhere, he's emotional. And emotional, by the way, just, hey, can you grab snacks for my brother? And he's like, wow, you've changed.

56:06 Used to be different.

56:07 You used to be way different five years ago when I used to live here when I was 20 and you were 25.

56:11 Yeah. Good math.

56:13 And now you've changed out of nowhere. You told her to buy snacks for us? What are you, some emotional guy?

56:19 What happened, man?

56:21 What happened? You used to be so stoic. You never wanted snacks at all.

56:24 A few people who also asked if I've been single this whole time. I haven't. I had a girlfriend before, but she wasn't nearly as attentive or close to my family as Valerie is. So I think that's part of why Valerie's behavior stood out to me so much.

56:39 Yeah, we could tell.

56:40 I'm just not used to my brother's girlfriend being that attentive towards me. So I interpret it differently than I probably should have.

56:47 Maybe anyone attentive to you at all.

56:49 That actually makes me really sad. I'm very sorry. Sorry that that happened.

56:54 Should probably ask if Valerie has siblings or something.

56:57 I don't know. Just double check.

56:58 Yeah.

56:58 You're a sweet guy.

57:00 Sweet guy.

57:00 I'm glad you learned a lesson a little bit.

57:02 I hope so, dude. My sister also reminded me of something else I never considered. Valerie is an only child and only apparently wasn't very close with anyone growing up. Her family was mostly older Tias and Tios. And also because they were older, her family eventually became pretty small. My sisters think that's part of why she likes being so involved with our family. We have a much bigger family and apparently she really enjoys being a part of it.

57:28 Couldn't tell.

57:29 You're a sweet kid. A lot going on.

57:31 Yeah. They also told me they weren't going to say anything to Jose. and that I shouldn't either. Apparently, Jose is planning on proposing to Valerie in October, and they don't want me to make things awkward between us or have mine and his relationship rocky again over something that I completely misread. I guess she was just being nice and herself.

57:54 Whatever that means. I hope you learned an important lesson. Yeah, dude. That sometimes people are nice, and they don't love you in that way.

58:02 Yeah, they don't want to F you.

58:04 This did happen to me. My friend's fiance, Dakota knows the story because he also had the same experience with the same girl.

58:11 Oh, yeah.

58:12 Interesting.

58:12 We came to this party. I had like a sandwich, good sandwich. She's like, the sandwich looks really good. And I went, yeah, do you want a bite of it? And went to her fiance, who I'm good friends with. And he told me, he's like, hey, she told me that you wanted to give her a sandwich and like you're in love with her. And I went, hmm, bro, I gave my, you know me. And he's like, yeah, I know you. you'd give a bite of a sandwich to anyone who thinks it's good. And I went, yeah.

58:35 Yeah.

58:36 Huh.

58:36 Interesting.

58:37 Literally like that. It was just like, he said he wanted to give me a bite of a sandwich and I think he's in love with me.

58:41 So you're Valerie. Yeah.

58:43 And she was OP. And I'll tell you right now, they didn't get married.

58:46 No.

58:47 Oh.

58:48 She would say things like that and we're just like, what is going on?

58:51 Have you ever been a Valerie?

58:52 I don't think I've been a Valerie. I hope not.

58:54 Well, Valerie's sweet.

58:55 Oh, Valerie is sweet, but I hope that nobody's out there like, Oh, thinking like, that I'm in love with me. Yeah, I'm just kind of like a, Chill guy.

59:03 Yeah.

59:03 He makes me laugh. Loves me.

59:05 Loves me.

59:05 Loves me.

59:06 No, not as of now as anyone has publicly told. I imagine they talked to their sisters before.

59:11 And then they didn't say anything.

59:12 And then they didn't. Have you been to Valerie?

59:14 I think I have. I was nice to these couple of girls back in Tennessee whenever I lived there, because I was like, oh, friendships. And I have better relationships with women. I don't know. It's hard for me to connect with guys sometimes, so I was just like, oh, girls, yay, fun time.

59:27 Mm-hmm.

59:27 And then I think because I would cook for them and hang out with them, one of them started to like me.

59:31 Classic Valerie.

59:32 But she didn't tell me.

59:33 Yeah.

59:33 And I could kind of tell, and I was like.

59:35 Yeah. That's tough. I mean, you just want to be nice and participate in society.

59:40 Right.

59:40 So many people are so bad and terrible.

59:43 Yeah.

59:43 That it is kind of indicative of how mean the majority of people are. For people to be like, oh, holy cow, this guy's being nice to me. I think he loves me.

59:53 Yeah.

59:53 Instead of that being like. Oh, everyone's nice.

59:55 Yeah, especially like in L.A. or I got to think in New York. Have you spent as much time in New York?

1:00:01 I've never been. Never been? Never been.

1:00:03 Wow.

1:00:04 Trying to stay off the East Coast. You never know.

1:00:05 What did the East Coast do to you?

1:00:07 You never know.

1:00:08 I don't.

1:00:09 You never know. Fair.

1:00:10 How far east have you gone?

1:00:11 I went to New Jersey.

1:00:12 Wow.

1:00:13 As a boy.

1:00:16 And then you went, I never want to experience the East Coast ever again. Fair.

1:00:20 I'll be back someday. I'm just waiting for things to cool off.

1:00:23 You skipped a state.

1:00:25 I went right into New Jersey.

1:00:26 Well, Joey, is there anything we didn't get to talk about that you want to talk about on this pod?

1:00:31 I had a great time.

1:00:32 Yeah, dude. This was awesome.

1:00:34 Yeah.

1:00:34 I'll have you back sometime.

1:00:35 I would love to.

1:00:36 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:00:38 And this is a good time. I like the comments. That's fun.

1:00:41 Dude.

1:00:41 Don't worry.

1:00:42 Sometimes I get mean.

1:00:43 I was waiting for it.

1:00:44 I was like, what are you saying over there? Well, plug yourself. Where can we follow you? Where can we see your stuff?

1:00:51 Absolutely. You can follow me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube. The username for that is all the same, Joey Cerrone Comedy, which is J-O-E-Y-C-E-R-O-N-E, comedy. And then, yeah, check out my Comedy Central taping coming out at the end, maybe October, maybe a little earlier. It'll be out on the Comedy Central YouTube, or if you follow me on Instagram, I'll post about it. Amazing. Come check it out. Also, I'll be at the Comedy Store almost every night.

1:01:15 Let's go.

1:01:15 The door guy.

1:01:16 I'm the door guy.

1:01:18 Showing them the seats.

1:01:19 Showing you your seat. Yelling the rules at you.

1:01:22 Have you ever met Angie?

1:01:24 Angie Stroud? Fantastic door. She's got a write-up in the LA Times as an up-and-coming comic. One of my dear friends.

1:01:29 I saw that with Ryan.

1:01:31 Yeah.

1:01:32 The other dude.

1:01:33 One of my dear friends.

1:01:34 You know Ryan? Angie. Oh, Angie?

1:01:36 Angie? Yeah.

1:01:37 I followed her for a while.

1:01:38 I was like, oh, cool. One of the great door guys. Everyone's called a door guy, regardless of gender. Everyone's a door guy. Okay.

1:01:44 Wow.

1:01:45 I like that.

1:01:45 Any just quick nightmare stories?

1:01:48 This is my favorite nightmare story.

1:01:49 Oh, great.

1:01:50 Two guys from Utah came to a 7 p.m.

1:01:52 Show.

1:01:52 Nightmare. The show went from 7 to 8.30.

1:01:56 Okay.

1:01:57 And they showed up together, two guys from Utah. They both had four beers each. At the end of the show, one of the guys got up, threw up down the stairs. Oh. Threw up down the stairs. Four beers. Threw up down the stairs into the yonder pouch bin, which is where we lock phones up. We had just bought 200 new yonder bags. for phone locking, threw up into that. And so I went to follow him. And then I looked over at his buddy. His buddy had full peed his pants front and back, sitting down in the chair.

1:02:24 Front and back?

1:02:26 Front and back. He stood up front and back pee. Two guys from Utah. They had four beers at 7 p.m. during a musical comedy show. Mormons.

1:02:35 Mormons.

1:02:35 They had to be. And one of the guys, and I bet they went back to Utah and they were like, guys, we were right. Alcohol is actually really bad.

1:02:42 Or they were like, I don't think we should be Mormons anymore. I know.

1:02:44 Well, I hope that's not the way. Full pee front and back. And his buddy threw up down the stairs into the yonder pouch. I think doing $ 5, 000 of damage just in those yonder bags alone.

1:02:54 Stop it.

1:02:55 Yeah, just beeline.

1:02:57 Who pays for that, dude?

1:02:58 I don't believe we got their number. Front and back pee, which means he was sitting down in the pee for gravity to have taken.

1:03:05 He got a little sticky on the whatever he was sitting on.

1:03:07 Front and back pee. We had to throw away a chair.

1:03:09 That's crazy.

1:03:10 That was a horror story. That was a bad one. And then a couple nights ago, My roommate, Luke Binko, the great Luke Binko, great door guy, very funny comedian. He was working in the original room and a guy came in to the show and saw someone on stage and immediately went, I challenge the stage. I challenge the stage.

1:03:30 And the comic is a great comedian named Matt Lockwood. Let him go up. Cause the guy was like, I believe I'm funnier than this. And I went up and the guy completely blanked. Didn't say a word on stage.

1:03:41 Blanked?

1:03:42 Blanked, nothing. And then we obviously kicked him out. But as he was being kicked out, he was pleading with Matt Lockwood to let him stay in the show. Pleading with him, going, please, don't let him kick me out. Don't let him kick me out. And Matt was on stage going like, why would I help you? I'm not on your team. So those are just some fun ones.

1:04:01 Dang. That's wild.

1:04:03 It's a good time.

1:04:04 You ever get like, you see Utah on somebody's ID and you go, I got my eye on you.

1:04:08 I definitely have my eye on two... Two guys like that. If those two guys ever come back, I think I'll recognize them.

1:04:14 Dang. They're right there.

1:04:16 Front and back, Pete. You remember that? Front and back.

1:04:18 If anyone were to have $ 5, 000 to pay for that, it would be the Mormons. Yeah.

1:04:23 Just put on Joe Smith's, or what's his name?

1:04:25 Is it Joe?

1:04:26 Joseph Smith.

1:04:26 Joseph Smith.

1:04:27 I never called Joe, but I like that.

1:04:28 Yeah, Joe Smith.

1:04:29 Joe Smith.

1:04:29 My buddy.

1:04:30 Yeah, my buddy. We go back. Put on Joe Smith's card.

1:04:33 Put on Joe Smith.

1:04:34 But Joey, we're going to close this out. So if you love us, make sure to subscribe.

1:04:38 We love you. And we'll see you tomorrow.