425. Why we want people who don't want us back

0:05 Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.

0:25 Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties. I want to talk today about a situation or like the deep state of human longing that I receive a whole lot of questions about and a whole lot of stories about all the time, finding yourself kind of embroiled in a one sided love affair with somebody who doesn't want you back. I get messages about this all the time. We got a message this week from a listener who has been in a situation like this for over two years with a coworker of hers. She had like a brief kind of romantic encounter with him, like back in the day. They kind

1:12 of went their separate ways after he made the decision to break it off. But she was explaining to me, like, even after he's gone and moved on, he's got a new girlfriend, her attachment to him hasn't faded, and it's making it really hard to work. It's making it really hard to focus. The thing about this is when you're in it, it feels all consuming and like you are the only person in the world who could be so silly or who is so stuck on somebody you know you can't be with. It feels like how irrational, how strange that our minds cannot let somebody go despite all the reason in the world that this person is not right for us. But really it is so much more common than you think. Maybe that doesn't make the yearning

1:57 her any less, but I think it does mean that we can offer a bit of an explanation as to why this happens from a more psychological angle, like there is a reason why we find ourselves so hooked on people we know we can't have. The very fact that we cannot have them is what deepens this obsession so much, and there's science and evidence to prove why that is.

2:24 It may feel so frustrating and annoying and heartbreaking at times, but I think understanding the biological underpinnings of this, the social underpinnings, the psychological pinnings is really important. So that's what we're going to talk about today, as well as some strategies to kind of move through this situation of unrequired love and to essentially understand why you have found yourself perhaps in a pattern of wanting people who don't want you, because there is a lot to be said about our motivations behind this and why we end up finding ourselves in these relationships, maybe all too often. So without further ado, let's get into it. If you want to understand why we want the people who don't want us,

3:17 you have to understand the psychology and more specifically, the biology of the chase. At its very core, our attraction to somebody else is not just emotional. It is a deeply chemical experience driven by some powerful neurotransmitters. You're probably very familiar with, things like dopamine, serotonin, adrenaline, just to name a few. When we first meet somebody and feel like a romantic sensation kind of blossoming, our brain is just like flooded with feel goody chemicals and feelings which tell us to pursue this person, fixate on them, think about them, win them over, make them the object of our desire. We having natural biological drive towards love because we are social beings and we crave partnership, We crave

4:13 being seen, we crave creating these strong bonds. Now, when the person reciprocates our feelings, we have a fabulous equation where the chemicals are flowing steadily from both sides, from them to you, you to them. There's no confusion. We're just rewarded by their behavior, and you're rewarded by what it feels like to belong and feel I don't know, chosen by somebody. This feels good. Love obviously feels good.

4:40 But when somebody doesn't reciprocate our interest, this feels addictive. Here's the thing most people don't tell you about dopamine. It's not actually the happiness or pleasure chemical. It's the anticipation chemical. There's this wonderful twenty ten paper which about how dopamine doesn't spike when we get something. It spikes in the pursuit of something. It drives craving. It drives our motivation to chase, to pursue, to impulse by to want the cookie, to anticipate the reward, to like the person who doesn't like us back. This means it can be very easily hijacked when we are yearning or longing for something because we're getting these massive dopamine spikes that aren't met with the reward or fulfillment of the desire.

5:32 This is quite literally the chemical basis of addiction, wanting something, needing something, desiring it deeply to the point where it's all we can think about, not receiving it, crashing or receiving it and feeling even better, but then needing more. Now, when somebody doesn't like you back, but you occasionally see them around like they occasionally like your Instagram stories, you have like somewhat of a history where maybe they once showed you affection now don't anymore. What you're essentially experiencing is something called intermittent reinforcement. You occasionally get interactions, spikes of what you want, what could be, and that sets off your dopamine systems because they already have a low threshold,

6:17 and it makes you feel really, really good. There's like these little spikes followed by these big crashes, but the anticipation of all the expectations of things changing, the anticipation that your next interaction, your next moment, could be the moment when things they fall in love with you keeps you hooked. Each small signal of attention, a text, a glance, a moment of connection feels disproportionately rewarding because it's unpredictable.

6:44 That inconsistency actually strengthens the attachment over time. Your brain like you're in such a heightened state of craving that it feels like genuine attraction. The anxiety, the obsession, the excitement, it's so intense. That intensity obviously just as deeply with our brain, and therefore it can be mistaken for actual chemistry and for something that's very very real to your mind, even if rationally you know it's not. But what you're offering experiencing is not a real connection. It's a loop.

7:16 Uncertainty again creates anticipation. Anticipation releases dopamine. Dopamine increases desire. The lack of resolution keeps the cycle going. I just want to really like make this a core point. Your inability to move on from this person, even though you know there's no future, even though you know they don't feel the same way, is not because you lack willpower.

7:41 It's because there are insanely powerful chemical loops bringing you back again and again and again, hoping, expecting, wanting a different outcome. So you are biologically being hijacked by this kind of relationship. It is a relationship. There's another reason we want people who don't want us back. It's the promise of the ultimate self worth achievement. If they were to eventually want us back, everyone who has ever rejected us, every bad feeling we have about ourselves, every moment of unrequited love, every second we've doubted ourselves, it would all be proven false. We would finally have confirmation that we were good enough for somebody, That we can prove ourselves to somebody who initially dismissed us, that we do have value,

8:29 that somebody does want us. The thing is, the person who doesn't want us holds all the power right now, like they hold all the power, because we can't give ourselves the validation of being wanted by somebody else, especially not by them, like only they can give us that. Of course, we can think that we're great, but we think that they're wonderful. We think that they're an amazing person.

8:54 Like if we like somebody, we obviously have a great opinion of them. We think they have good taste. We think they're cool, so them not liking us feels like we didn't make the cut based on their standards. We must not be all that good in the eyes of this great individual. This cut's really deep to the core of our own self acceptance and worth assessment. Deep down.

9:15 If this person has rejected us, we believe that means they must see themselves as better than us, or deserving of more, or deserving of somebody who is, or of having standards that we can't meet. The thing is this obviously makes us feel awful right because we don't feel like we made the cut. It also creates a strange competitiveness in us, whereby if we were to eventually convince them to like us, this would prove that we must be good, we must be worth something. That's a great feeling to be striving for. I fully believe people who are high achievers, very ambitious, very smart, fall a lot harder for unrequited love. I know I've said it before, It's genuinely a hill I will die on. You are so used to having to work for anything that you

10:05 want to having to put in long hours to strive, you may even live by the philosophy that like anything worth having won't be easily, so why wouldn't that be the same for love? You feel that way for work. You feel that way in your ambition at school, in your goals. This belief transfers over to relationships as well.

10:26 If it's easy, it's not worth it because things that are quality make you work harder. So that's why we don't want the person who wants us. They didn't make us work hard for it. We want the person who obviously has value, because it's not immediately accessible. That doesn't apply to love, though, right our mind is taking a standard we set for everything else and being like, well, this must be the same here. Love is something that is actually and should probably flow very naturally compared to everything else in life that makes us really work and strive and sweat. There's also this concept in psychoanalytic psychology that I really think you should know, called the object of desire. This was first discussed by a French psychologists

11:07 called Jacques Lakhan. Hopefully my French accent is good. His idea is that when we see something we can't obtain, whether that is an expensive house on zillo, a lifestyle of an influencer or a person who we think is great. We begin to project this idea that this is where happiness, self worth, fulfillment must be. This thing, this is the thing that would make us happy, and the fact we don't have it is why we're unhappy. It kind of gives us a reason for our insecurity, a reason for our sadness, our lack of fulfillment that isn't internal. It's not because we're doing something wrong. It's not because we're unhappy.

11:42 It's because we're missing this thing. And once we have this thing, all of our wildest dreams will come true. This is a big explanation for why we long and why we yearn We know we'll never have this thing, and therefore it's easy to place all of our hopes and desires and long lost wishes like at its feet.

12:00 A person. A relationship, especially when we know we cannot have, is like the perfect candidate for this elusive role of representing everything that would fix our lives for us, because love is painted that way is something that is everything. I also think that the very fact that this person doesn't want us makes them mysterious, and that mystery means we can create whatever fantasy we want of them. You know, they're flawless in our minds. We actually because we aren't around them as much because we don't have a relationship like we can create whatever fantasy version of a soulmate we want, even if it's not real, like we can build them into whatever we want them to be. And the sides of somebody that are only revealed in a relationship,

12:48 the sides that are kind of ugly or not likable, those aren't there, And so our obsession only deepens because we believe we found the last person on earth who might actually be perfect, the idealized version of somebody that is that you are at a distance from. It's a lot easier to love and a lot easier to be obsessed with. The thing is, if you were to get to know them, they probably wouldn't be like that. But when somebody is distant or unavailable, they remain undefined, and undefined people can be come, be present, be seen as anything we want them to be, So that makes it a lot harder to move on. There are a few other explanations for why unrequited love keeps us hooked. Obviously, attachment theory is a big one. I'm not going to

13:37 talk about it today though, because I just feel like we've done so many episodes on it that you can go and find. I just feel like it's such a big topic. The other thing, though, and the other big explanation, is this one particular effect I don't see people talking about, which is the Zygarnic effect. Zygaronic effect. Our brain hates unfinished stories, and so our brain will keep them open until we get the solution. This means we genuinely cannot move on until we feel like we have closure, until we know why they don't want us, we know that somebody else will. This is what is happening when you want somebody who and you find yourself wanting them more after they don't want you back. Like they've done studies

14:21 on this, where like they'll get somebody to do a task and they'll interrupt them halfway through, and then they'll get them to do another task, and this person will be like, I can't do this. I'm fixated. I'm fixated on finishing this unfinished thing. And that is literally what happens with relationships that are unfinished as well. How can I move on when this door isn't being officially closed?

14:42 And finally, I also think unrequired love gives us a purpose when everything else in your life feels uncertain. Having text to analyze small moments, to replay somebody to yearn for, gives you like the greatest kind of object to fixate on. It feels so important because like, what's more important than love?

15:03 It's an amazing, amazing distraction. Not having that someone that fixation point can make life feel kind of boring and meaningless. And so sometimes our obsession with somebody is rather grounding. It's purpose giving, it's motivating, especially when you know you are a little bit lonely, you're struggling with work, you don't really have a purpose. It's like, well, why does that matter? If I have this, If I can win this person over, it's all going to be okay. Love is like the best thing out there. If I find love, all of this other stuff is going to take care of itself. So that's the explanation for why you find yourself in this state of limereents and obsession with an unrequired figure. Why somebody not liking you back is so

15:46 like deeply powerful for our brain. Let's continue this conversation and talk about what to do about it, including some more controversial advice I have for you. Stay with us, Okay, hear me out. There is nothing wrong with a fun, a fun little crush. Honestly, I think it's a sole need. I think it's probably good for the soul to feel like hopeful about the state of love and like hopeful that there are people out there who you would want to meet and get to know and fall for. I read this really great Psychology Today piece that talks about how crushes make us feel excited. They keep us caring about how we present to the world, which is probably important from an evolutionary perspective. They keep us optimistic. They're

16:36 also just like once again, they're fun, Like a crush is fun, and that can be all that it is liking somebody that you know, like you have no intention of actually ever doing anything about it, Like you have no intention of like asking them out, Like it's it's not that serious. Like that's fun. It's like what being in your twenties is about. That's when I personally think, like situations like this are okay, Like you know they're not going to hurt you, be is they don't want you back, so you can kind of just observe. But when they dance into like dangerous territory emotionally, it's when we encounter this like objective desire situation where once again we think of them as the savior. We put our

17:14 first name next to their last name, like we lose ourselves to our obsession. What they do, how they choose to treat us, whether we see them or not, dictates our entire emotional state, and we do just silly things. I've been there, I've done so many silly things for people who have never showed any interest in me. And that is a problem, and that does require some examination.

17:38 And this is when we need to break the spell. Here's how I think we should go about it, or you should go about it, based on some of the psychological principles, the same psychological principles that got you hooked in the first place. Identify, firstly, what it is about them that they represent that you think you are otherwise missing.

17:58 Unrequited love is rarely just about the person, It's about what they symbolize. When you feel intensely drawn to somebody who doesn't want you back, your brain isn't just responding to them as an individual. It's responding to what they represent in your psychological world that is absent. This is a concept closely closely tied to Freud's concept of projection and idealization. Again, as we said before, we take the qualities we admire, we crave, we feel only lack, we place them in this other person, and in that way we turn them into an emotional solution. We turn them into like the golden band aid. Maybe what you're lacking and the reason you're attracted to this person is because you're not confident, and this person is so confident, so

18:44 you feel like if they were to be with you, you'd finally feel good about yourself. The thing is, if your self esteem were to improve, if you were to realize how amazing you actually are your need and desire for them, you would be surprised by how quickly it would disappear. Maybe what you're lacking is a sense of security.

19:02 Right now, we just spoke about this, but this person might represent what it would feel like to have certainty in your life or in a partner, and it kind of like not have to worry about it anymore. You've got your person, it's all sorted, and you're just really craving something that is certain, something that is going to go right and that is secure. Maybe what they represent is again a purpose which you otherwise feel you don't have.

19:26 There's so many things that somebody else can represent. They can represent excitement, they can represent belonging, they can embody the kind of person you want to be and like so by by admiring them from afar sometimes what's happening is you unconsciously feel closer to this ideal version of you through your like temporary, one sided attachment to them.

19:49 What are you seeking to fulfill? What does this person offer that you don't think you can offer yourself right now? There's this theory called the self expansion model. I don't know if it's a self expansion model for stop or self expansion model of love, but it was like one of the first psychological theories of love, and it essentially says we are mainly attracted to people that grow and expand our sense of self and that who we think would make us better people. So it's not wrong that you want this person who you think would make you better, or who you think is great and has resources and has a great personality, and it's cool, that's not wrong.

20:27 It's actually probably why you like them in the first place. But what's to say you aren't capable of self expansion through friendship right now, through your own self exploration, through mentorship, or through somebody else that actually wants you. We get fixated on this person thinking that they're the only ones who can expand us. For getting all these other options.

20:46 When you identify what you think it is that this person would fulfill what need or absence you need them for, you can get to work kind of feeling it in other ways. Secondly, it's so important to create physical distance in any way that you can and just flush this person out with as many hobbies like social engagements opportunities as you can. Now some people would say this is just plain or distraction, maybe it's even avoidance. I see the argument, and I would agree with them, because it kind of is. That's the whole point. Like it is distraction, it is trying to get away from the problem. In the initial months of trying to move past this person, you need to be continuously breaking the association between them

21:33 and the feeling of anticipation and dopamine. Basically, that's what we need to do. What you're experiencing when you get a rush or a thrill. Anytime you see them, hear from them, think about them is a conditional emotional response. So you need to focus on extinguishing that by well extinguishing that response by creating more powerful ones, and also by not giving into the desire to reach out or to see them or to be with them. From a psychological perspective, this has an anime. It's called extinction. Basically, when a learned association weakens because the expected reward is no longer delivered, like we stop anticipating it. The thing is, extinction doesn't happen just like because, but passively, Like if

22:19 you just sit in the absence, your brain often actually increases craving in an attempt to motivate you to get the reward back. That's why people relapse, That's why they text them, that's why they check their socials or they spiral when they just think that ignoring them is extinction, is extinguishing the connection. Instead, you have to actively compete with the old association and give your brain new sources of reward, new people who give you connection without anxiety, more social things in your day, connecting with old friends, making new friends, activities, adventures, side quests that create genuine dopamine novelty like creativity, planning for something, training for something, reaching for a goal, being in environments that don't carry

23:08 their memory. It's also important to understand that again, I want to really state this, this kind of distraction is very different from long term emotional avoidance. You're allowed, I think, in these moments to still think about them. You're not suppressing or denying your feelings forever. You're just creating enough distance so that the intensity is manageable, and so that you know that they are not the only thing that's going to make you happy or make you fulfilled. Once the emotional charge is lower, you can reflect more clearly, You can process what actually happened, and you can understand the dynamic without being pulled back into it. I think as well, the next thing I do. I haven't done

23:54 it in a while, but I think it's absolutely essential. Have an imaginary breakup day, where you do everything you do if you had actually been in a relationship with this person and broken up. Take a sick day, go out for a long, sad walk in the woods or in nature, write them in a long letter, have a hot shower, cry, eat ice cream, drink some wine, watch La La Land cry some more, grieve them in the way that you deserve to. Basically like have a funeral for the love story that you imagined with them this person.

24:28 This is so effective. It's so effective because it essentially creates the ending to counteract the Zygarnic effect. Like we spoke about this before, like that unended story. Your brain operates best when a story has a beginning, it has a middle or a lesson, and it has an end. For unrequited love, you don't get the end, so you have to provide it for yourself in order to then move forward and discover the lesson as to why this particular individual was so desirable to you. When you give yourself a day to properly intentionally grieve, be dramatic, even if you don't think you deserve to, like just do it.

25:14 You're doing something very psychologically sophisticated. You're taking something abstract and unresolved, which is this connection, this one sided connection, and you're making it concrete. You're saying this happened, this was real, and you're giving it a finale. You are ritualizing something that would otherwise feel very confusing. You are giving it the ending that you deserve and that your brain needs to clearly see in order to move forward. Finally, once you've provided yourself with the ending, this is when you can start to reframe the situation from loss, inter lesson.

25:50 And I know that sounds corny, but I think creating an ending is one level of moving forward. Finding the meaning is the next level and is what allows us to integrate this experience, and really it's what allows us to grow as individuals, which probably doesn't sound very meaningfully meaningful to you right now, but is very important. Instead of asking like why didn't this work out? What's wrong with me? Like's, yeah, what's wrong with me? You start asking more constructive questions like what did this actually reveal about what I need in a future person? What patterns did this bring to the surface. What am I being shown about my standards, my attachment style that doesn't sit right with me? What do I need to concentrate on

26:34 within before I date somebody else or have another crush. This shift is really powerful because it transforms you from just being a passive participant who was hurt, who was kind of a victim of this person's decisions, into an active interpreter of your experience and somebody who also you have something to gain in the aftermath of this. You are not just somebody who was a victim who lost.

26:59 You left with a deeper connection to yourself and to your needs and your desires. And some people never get that. They are never challenged to look past attraction. It also prevents repetition. When you extract the lesson, you're far less likely to have to learn the lesson again and to chase the same dynamic, because you understand what drew you to that person in the first place. I found that with the last person I dated before Tom, I had like three or four of the same exact kind of semi relationships back to back, and I don't think like, well, I know, I didn't actually sit with what they meant, like I did the ritual of closing the chapter. I grieved, but I never was like, hey, maybe there's a pattern here,

27:45 Like maybe I'm just doing the same things and expecting a different outcome. Finally doing that with the last guy is why I think I have the relationship I have now, because I was able to see, like, these people are literally the same people. This was the same relationship. Did it four times I didn't learn the lesson. I will say my final point on this, don't be unkind to yourself about the situation. Honestly, I think people who give and give and give love and are open to everybody and see the best in people and genuinely care and love and have their heart on the line are what we need more of. As much as there are all these rules these days, and like there's this kind of idea that like, to be successful in dating you have

28:26 to be cold and heartless. Humans aren't meant to despise love. They're not meant to be rational about love either, Like that's been way too normalized that we're meant to be these like cold professionals. Situations of unrequited love and yearning and longing are one of the most human things you can experience. Like personally, I think it's spiritual almost And i'd much rather than I'd much rather you are somebody who feels and loves deeply and gives deeply, even if that is unreciprocated. Then be somebody who cannot find it in their heart, who care, or who sees love as a game, or who sees love as something to win.

29:04 And there are rules to follow, and the first one to fall in love loses. Like, I don't think that's particularly healthy. As much as people talk about how unrequired love is, like, I don't know, unhealthy and irrational, and as much as it probably is really frustrating and like goes against many forms of like reasoning, Is it really that bad to like care deeply about somebody and to see somebody's potential? Like, I think that the fact that you have that capacity for somebody who doesn't care about you means that when you find somebody who really does care about you and you feel this way about them as well, you're going to experience like a whole nother depth.

29:51 Like you think this is love, imagine what love is going to feel like when you have that level of reciprocation. But I only think you can get there if you this current bond and if you are able to investigate and kind of reveal to yourself what it is about somebody who doesn't want you back that is so captivating to you. Is it the sense of achievement? Is it that you think you need to earn love? Is it that they are representing it and a disregarded need that you have? I don't know. I can't really give you the answers, but I hope I hope that, yeah, I hope that this is helpful. I hope that like this information can get you a little bit closer. So that is our summary on why we love the people who do not love us back. And I've been there many

30:40 many times. So I feel for you, and I hope that I hope you know that, like you do get through it, and you get through it in the way that you just eventually you just realize how valuable that lesson is and you feel really grateful that you had the opportunity to feel that way about anybody, even somebody who didn't return the feeling, because it's kind of spectacular.

31:07 So I don't know if that's helpful if you're going through it right now, but it's just I don't know. It's something that I wish i'd heard. So if you've made it this farjim me a favor, leave a comment down below. What breakup movie are you gonna watch tonight? Or what breakup movie are you gonna watch for the funeral of this could have been what if relationship? I want to know mine was always La La Land. I've heard great things about notting Hill. Not notting Hill, Yeah, notting Hill. The notebook drop yours below stories of I guess those weren't stories of unrequired love, but La La Land kind of was, and I think it's a great one.

31:44 You can also follow us on Instagram. You can share this episode with a friend if you think they need to hear it. And if you didn't know, you can watch full episodes like this one on Netflix. Yeah, that's right, Netflix all over the world. If you want to watch a video version of this podcast, that is where you can find us. There's so many other links including Yeah, there's just so many other links in the description that you can check out. I feel for you. I'm sure you're really going through it right now, but it does get better. And yeah, I'm wishing you a lot of love and a lot of luck. But until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very very soon.