431. Why a boring life is beautiful

0:05 Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spaike and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties today, let me get on my soapbox for a second and say, a boring life is a beautiful life.

0:46 It is my belief that every single day we face this wall of content that wants to convince you that what you are doing isn't enough. And if you were to listen to this like tidal wave like videos and posts and whatnot, you would honestly believe that everybody has more motivation than you. Everybody has more friends than you, everybody has more clothes, more money, more kind of like action going on in their life. First of all, that's not true, but second, being boring is a radical act.

1:21 There is no one to impress, There is no one else's life that you want to copy. Because you like what you have, You have no idea how much agency that acceptance of what other people might not see as glamorous gives you. I also think the tidal wave is shifting and more of us are realizing how truly freeing it is to slow down and just go smaller and slower.

1:44 It's a bit of it's revolutionary. It's psychologically revolutionary, for sure. So what we're going to talk about today is the beauty of the boring routine, the boring rituals, and why they're important and why they may open doors you didn't even realize were available. We're there, especially in your twenties.

2:02 I also want to talk about how to cope with feeling like maybe you're wasting your youth and why that's absolutely not true. Let's talk about it. Why is the boring life beautiful? Stay with us? So what do I mean when I say a boring life? Because I feel like that's kind of open to interpretation for me, and it may be different for you. A boring life is just one that I think has maybe been dismissed by social media because it's not as easy to sell into.

2:34 It is the one where you don't buy new clothes every week, because that's ridiculous. You don't need to go on lavish vacations every month to be happy, because who can afford that. You don't need to be constantly engaged in drama or emotional extremes just to feel stimulated. But instead you have firm boundaries, You have a routine, you like, you have small luxuries, you have stability, tiny joys, peace. Really, when I kind of picture it for myself, it's very grammar coded. Maybe i'd use the term like slow maxing if I was that kind of person, But like again, indulgence in simple pleasures, appreciation for what you have now without constantly desiring more, slowing down, simplicity and from the outside, yes,

3:18 something that might look really boring or maybe lame, but when we get down to it is deeply nourishing and supremely fulfilling for our psychological needs. I don't think I'm the only one seeing this, like mass conversion, mass trend back to this kind of simple, understated existence. We've noticed it in like the trend of the trad wife, but also just like in my friends and in myself included this craving for a life that's more manageable when previously, you know, we really kind of ran on fumes and kind of had these very packed schedules and we thought that was success. Part of this is developmental. As we get older, even within our twenties, which is by the way, still very young, many people become we just become less

4:06 drawn to raw stimulation for its own sake. There was a very interesting study done in twenty fourteen that looked at I think data from like almost six thousand individuals and they measured changes in impulsivity and sensation seeking behaviors from the ages of fifteen to twenty six and what they noticed was that obviously, as we get older those impulses reduce, but specifically found that this drive towards the calm of boring life in our twenties is being driven by two things. Firstly, changes in our personality, and secondly, a linear decline in impulsivity and in risk taking behavior and hunger for novelty. We kind of know what we want.

4:49 We don't need raw excitement to motivate us like we have the pool, and the drive of long term gratification and long term peace and long term stability is more motivational and more convincing. Another part of this, and why we notice this change is that in reality, like chaos eventually costs you too much and it loses its attraction as we get older. When you're younger, or like when you're still kind of constructing a sense of self, unpredictability, spontaneity, the pursuit of more. I think that feels like proof that you are open and you're alive and you're an interesting person. It's like also almost like prove that you know, I'm young, look at it, like, look at this, I'm doing all these things. But over time, I think we

5:34 do begin to notice how being constantly overwhelmed and stimulated is not necessarily the same thing as being fulfilled. And we also see the burnout that happens when we have plans every single night, when we are kind of living on just like the fumes and highs of life. It's not that we don't crave less life. We just crave less friction, and we learn what we don't like about the chaos. Why does it feel weird to admit that? Though? Like, why does it feel weird to admit that we similarly want less, not less per se, but different. I think right before you were able to fully accept like, hey, actually I don't care what other people say I want this boring life. We have this thing, this kind of reaction that we actually call in psychology reactants, which is

6:21 when it feels like our freedom to be young is being taken away, even if it's by our own choices, we kind of act out as like a last hurrah. What is really what's what it's really coming down to, is cognitive dissonance between what we're deeply craving internally and what the world around us has told us to desire and expect externally. That feels like we're trapped between these two ways of living. There is this narrative that our twenties are supposed to be this incredibly fast paced, hustle filled, a thousand plans a weekend kind of life before like so called real life begins. You know, you're meant to kind of front load the stress and socializing of life as an investment for later on. And yeah, at certain

7:06 times in your life, it's really fun to do that, and there's definitely seasons for it. But I don't like the idea that you have to keep doing things and keep forcing yourself into like busy chaos even if you don't like it, just because that's the norm. That gap between what we think we should want and what we genuinely do creates a lot of inattention. If the version of youth we've been convinced into is marketed as kind of constant excitement, then choosing calm can feel kind of unfairly like you are failing at being young. You know, Am I wasting this decade? Am I becoming? Am? Am I slowing down too soon? Am I going to regret? This? Shocker?

7:50 But it's that's basically get another yardstick which we're encouraged to use as a measure of a parent success of our twenties. It's another thing that we were meant to judge us by and always feel like we're not doing well enough because of It's also not quite a shocker that since the introduction of social media, this sense of dissonance has increased at a level researchers and social scientists actually can't quite measure fast enough. One University of Washington study actually talks about how social media especially creates a state of firstly reduced self reflection, secondly narrowed attention, and thirdly lack of individual interest, all of which is correlated with greater unhappiness. What these studies and what these findings

8:34 basically say is that we get so focused on how others are living that the result of that is that we can no longer properly articulate or even imagine what we actually want because we're so consumed with what apparently is making them happy. I read this fantastic substuct the other day that was like the loneliest place in the world is your full you page, And this author talks about like the masochism of the scroll, where kind of torture ourselves with the lives of people that we don't really want to be like, but convince ourselves we do, and kind of torture ourselves by not being like. This gets to like a very vital point what our equal fear but also desire for the boring life is really being manipulated by is fomo Like, that's really what it is.

9:22 Your failure or your inability to accept that this is what you actually want really comes down to this fear of missing out. Psychologists in our very famous twenty twenty one study to find the fear of missing out as a persistent apprehension that other people might be having more rewarding experiences without us, paired with the urge to stay continually connected to what everyone else is doing. It is a social fear and therefore quite an existential fear striking at our core need to kind of not be alone in an experience or not be alone in the world.

9:57 That is why we feel like we're missing out by choosing what is not the no What is so interesting about this feeling is that it doesn't actually need evidence or need you to feel especially unhappy with your current situation to occur. I think we often think of FOMA as like, that's what happens to people who are very lonely in their bedroom, visibly isolated. But we can be in the middle of like a movie night at home, best friend on the left, other friend to the right, staring at an Instagram story, and suddenly feeling this pain and anxiety that even though we are happy in this moment, somebody else, somewhere else is having more fun and that's where we should be. Somebody else is more alive than

10:39 we are, and therefore we are doing this wrong, like our quiet life is costing us this more exciting level, or more exciting version of youth. FOMA is evolutionary in origin. We can't forget that it's meant to drive us back to the herd. But all it does in these moments is create this overwhelming sense of inadequacy. Instead of letting life unfold according to what we actually want and what feels good, it keeps us mentally oriented towards the road not taken. It keeps us focused on the party we didn't go to, the trip we weren't invited, on the people we didn't meet by not going on that trip, the version of ourselves we imagined might have been if we had just said yes more often, stayed out later,

11:23 been more tired, bought that item, even if in the moment we didn't want that. The twenty thirteen study published in the journal I Think It's Like Human Behavior conducted a series of studies looking at the concept of FOMO in relation to various factors like demographics, motivation, wellbeing, as well as how FOMA relates to behavior and emotional wellbeing.

11:49 What they found was that not only was FORMO linked to a lower mood, lower overall life satisfaction, but also greater distraction from our own lives. People who were experiencing greater POMO actually had poor autobiographical memory because they were so consumed with comparison they couldn't appreciate the moment they were in, good or bad. The really painful part is that FOMO can make us mistrust our own preferences. Like I've said this whole time, a boring life is beautiful if you can trust in its beauty and in your desire for it. But if you can't because you are constantly flooded with how other people are living, it's not going to feel as enjoyable. The other reason I think we may feel apprehension of the boring life is because

12:38 we think that boring, slow, peaceful, regulated means no more fund nor more excitement, especially the kind of excitement we might find in like a messy night out, or like bad decisions or drama. Again, I think there is a time and a place for that. As much as I have I've had moments like that, I regret moments like that, I also cherish them equally because they are fundamental to who I am. But I don't need to learn those lessons again. And I don't need to learn those lessons again and again and again. Like I'm done, And what was the lesson for if not kind of showing me how to make better decisions on a neurological level, like, yeah, our brains do crave novelty, but that's not novelty. If you've already been in that situation and know you don't

13:20 like it, we are definitely wired to move towards what is surprising and unpredictable. Because novelty recruits so many different brain systems involved in attention and motivation and reward. It's a huge factor in how our brain releases dopamine, right, because we're always wanting to move towards what feels unfamiliar to learn, and because it's because of the anticipation and of the possibility of pleasure. But we have to understand just because dopamine is powerful, just because our motivational systems are powerful, doesn't mean they're always leading us in the right direction. But where we often get lost is in how we interpret that need for novelty and the feel good of this dopamine. Even though they feel similar at first,

14:11 novelty isn't the same as pure chaos or the kind of busy lives that we think we need. Right, there are different levels of how dopamine is produced and received. What we really need to understand is that the dope, mean or whatever pleasure chemicals you were previously getting from this chaotic life that maybe you loved and that you were living, is not the same that you're going to get from long term gratification. Sometimes we mistake the emotional highs and lows of chaos the evidence that we're really living like how somebody in their twenties should be living.

14:47 But that immediate feeling of stimulation rarely gives us the deeper reward the true novelty and curiosity and enjoyment does. In fact, one twenty sixty study from the Neurology department at the University College of London actually found that it can actually create biased choices, like our striving for quick dopamine for instant pleasure. Yes, may give us a faster result, but it creates an emotional crash later on. You know, we're constantly activated, we're not necessarily enriched. And again this is the beauty of the boring life. It takes you out of this constant state of needing, more of expectance, of anticipation and allows you to just actually choose where your body and your mind wants to flow to and

15:40 where you actually want to put your attention towards, like real novelty, real dopamin expands and enriches you. It's in learning something new, It's in deepening intimacy with friends or your partner. It's getting into nature. It's dedication to long term projects or challenges. I think that's what a boring life allows you to do. Okay, let's take a short break here before we talk about what leaning into the intentionality and acceptance of a boring, lame life can do for you psychologically in terms of your relationships and emotionally, and why it's so good for you. Stay with us in order to convince you even more of the beauty in your so called boring life that social media has convinced you to hate. Let's talk about the four major

16:36 changes and benefits you will see when you accept a slower pace. Number one, what looks like acquieter life is often a life with better emotional regulation and fewer extreme lows. When our lives become overstimulated, our brains spend more time in the state of hyper arousal cortisol adrenaline. They stay elevated.

16:58 The tension becomes from augmented and we begin operating from a place of reactivity rather than intentionality. Research on stress, research on nervous system regulation consistently shows that chronic overstimulation reduces our capacity for emotional control, and, as we mentioned before, reduces our capacity to make good value based decisions. We become more emotionally vulnerable to small inconveniences, to small frustrations because our baseline stress is already so high it doesn't take much to kind of tip us over. A quieter life often reflects the opposite, and it indicates stronger self regulation skills because there is there is some emotional curation going on, right. You're not just saying yes to everything.

17:46 You're not saying yes to being everywhere, especially when you now know the cost. Psychologists sometimes describe this as having a greater window of tolerance. Basically, you're better able to make decisions around what you can tolerate and better able to expand expand your capacity to deal with things coming out of the blue because you're not constantly taxing your emotional systems with stuff you actually don't need to endure.

18:11 There's also research around something called hedonic adaptation. You've probably heard about this on the podcast before, but The thing about raw novelty and raw chaos and raw excitement is that our brain gets really used to it, and so you need more and more and more to enjoy yourself. Your nervous system recalibrates, and so it makes it so that small pleasures don't feel as pleasurable anymore when you're used to this big bide like big stuff. So going back to this peaceful, slower life allows you to actually recalibrate it back in the opposite direction. You're able to actually have more of an appreciation for just things that you can and should be grateful for. Secondly, it goes without saying, but a more boring life is also often

18:56 in life with better boundaries, because at that point what matters most is your emotional and your psychological center, not someone else's preferences for you, not whether you disappointed somebody by not showing up. You get pretty clear on who likes you for you compared with who likes what you can offer them fairly quickly, and of course, like along with better boundaries, it comes with greater presence what philosophers like people have been talking about presents for ages, and of course, alongside better boundaries, it also comes with greater presence.

19:29 What philosophers like literally hundreds of years have said is like life's most precious gift, because nothing else is possible without it. Like that's what you don't realize. You're not really present for those moments of chaos and like glamor and excitement. There are thousands of ancient texts, thousands of books, thousands of articles that have been written about how to really take everything from a moment, how to attune your senses and your mind to appreciate details that most of us ignore, And no surprise here, a big part of their advice is offer and spend more time being bored, spend more time within the ordinary. Translation like just like, slow the fuck down for just a second, just actually

20:08 notice your life rather than constantly trying to improve it. You ever look back at a really amazing holiday, or like a really amazing night out, or a really amazing birthday and realize, like, I don't actually remember the things I thought I would. I remember the strangest little details. That is exactly my point. You remember the moments that felt most natural because presence was greatest. I don't think life happens in a big font. I think it happens in the little font, and a failure to tune into that may just mean actually a deeper failure to live fully.

20:42 It kind of reminds me of something I saw the other day, which was like a quote that said, when your life inevitably flashes before your eyes, will it be yours? Or will it be what you made your life into to impress others or to look good online? Will it just be snatches of presence amongst bigger moments of distraction and fear that you're not doing enough even when you are really. I think our growing preference for the slower, so called boring life is that we're kind of waking up to this reality that there's no keeping up with what we see online. There's only ever feeling bad about it.

21:20 Maybe it's an even deeper reality of like, if I'm doing all of this and I'm still unhappy, If I'm trying to keep up and I'm still miserable, what is it for? Like this isn't convincing anymore. All those other busy moments, those moments of trying to fit the stereotype of like what you're meant to be doing with your youth, like they don't always make you happy, and presence definitely does.

21:45 We see this in research on mindfulness. We see this in research on psychological present moment health and awareness. It's associated with less emotional reactivity, better behavior regulation, more life satisfaction, better relationships. Blah blah blah. Those are all buzzwords words. Basically, people are just happy. People who live slowly are happy and happier. They basically cracked the code of happiness. They go towards what feels good, even if to others it seems boring. I think it's a great question to finish this episode on, which is like, in the end, when you resist the boring life, what are you really avoiding?

22:23 What thoughts are you actually afraid are going to be there when you turn everything else down or off? Like, what are you actually distracting yourself? With? The older you get, I think, the more you realize that being with your own thoughts is much harder than people tell you. Like, I went through a period a few years back when like silence felt like such a threat, like such an intense sign at least for me, that like I wasn't doing enough because I had these moments in my twenties and I needed to fill with experiences, and my only way to overcome that was a to just always be busy, but be to always have the TV on or music or a show playing, like I needed to be surrounded by stimulation. And whenever I had these moments where I

23:08 wasn't around other people, it was bigger than formo. It was like this deep fear of regret that I wasn't doing enough. And what I was really like, I think hiding from, was again this sense that like time is short, this is what everybody is telling me I should and will enjoy. It's not actually making me happy, but if everybody is doing it, I don't want to miss out.

23:32 Like it was just a whole smaller's board of like psychological insecurity and let's just say like overworking noise, busyness, always having something on that is as much a coping mechanism as anything else. Being busy is the silent coping mechanism. Just like an alcoholic uses alcohol to silence the fear and uncertainty and grief, a busy holic uses the rush of a pack schedule to do the same so that they can crash at the end of the night and put off that self reflection for another day, there's an absolutely fascinating paper published in the journal. The journal's called Science basically, and it looks at this and the researchers wanted to know why people struggle so deeply with being alone or being bored and they found that if they

24:18 just left people in a room for like fifteen minutes by themselves, they would literally start shocking themselves with electric shocks to avoid that discomfort because they were so not used to just being with themselves and being present in the moment. And the thing was, it's not boredom that they were scared of. They were scared of loneliness. They were scared of things that they hadn't thought deeply enough about.

24:45 And I think that's where our real fear of like boredom comes from, our real fear of the boring life comes from, I should say, is like what's going to be? What sense of inadequacy is hiding behind that? So I think that's really like why we can't accept what we know we kind of want, but why getting to the point where we can be like, oh, I'm actually okay to slow down, and when I rest, I'm going to rest, and when i'm being present, I'm going to be present.

25:12 Like when we get to that point, all those all those things yes come to be when we're present, we're happier or all of that. I think we also just finally get a grip and get a grasp of like, Okay, what do I actually want? And that's what the value it is in accepting and embracing what you know a lot of people in social media and companies and marketing doesn't want you to accept, which is that actually you need a lot less than you think you do, and that you actually when you remove all these like distractions and all these other things, you actually get to the core of like what you desire without all this like kind of junk surrounding it. So that, my friends, is my argument for the boring life. To summarize very very quickly,

26:03 Why are we so opposed to the boring life? Well, because we've been sold this idea that, especially in our twenties, it means we're failing. It means that we're settling. It means that we've like we've grown out of our youth too quickly. That's literally not the case. We can still have novelty, excitement, adventure without stringing ourselves along and without getting to a point of like complete exhaustion, and there is real maturity in accepting that, Like you can do it all if you go a little bit slower and you can actually enjoy it. A great way to like accept that is to really dig down deeper into like what is behind your fear of a boring life and what it represents to you slash what you're actually trying

26:46 to avoid. And I think at the end of the day, yeah, you just end up happier, you end up more fulfilled. So I hope it's something that like if you've been kind of opposed to you can come to accept and realize the beauty in As always, I want to thank our researcher be for her help with this episode. If you have made it this far and you are listening on Spotify, I'm trying to think about what our emoji will be for today, maybe like an olive, an olive branch, a white dove you choose, just so I know that you've made it this par Thank you for listening to the end. If you want to read a transcript version of this episode, you can do that on Substract. You can also watch this episode on Netflix. You might not

27:29 want to rewatch it. You can watch another episode on Netflix, or you can follow us on Instagram. All the ways that you can find us, read us, talk to us, talk to me, watch, engage with the podcast. More will be in the description below, but until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. I hope this episode was a little bit convincing. We will talk very very soon.