467. The psychology of the cab theory

0:05 Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Speck and welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of your 20s. Today, we are talking about a theory, a specific theory that says in dating, timing is everything. Specifically for men, a theory that basically says who a man ends up with is completely determined by who he happens to be with or who he happens to be dating when he suddenly decides he wants commitment. This theory has a name. It's

1:01 known as the taxi cab theory. And before I fully explain what it means, I have to give you its kind of pop culture history. If you are a fan of Sex and the City, you already know it. But at various points in my life, I don't know if you guys do this, I like to re-watch certain or like re-binge like certain TV shows and I go in like these cycles. And like last year it was Gilmore Girls, like then it's The Office, it's New Girl, it's Friends.

1:28 And These past few months, it's been sex in the city. I've been on a full binge for the show, all of its faults, all of its incredible wisdom. There is so much in that series that is ridiculous, but also so interesting to explore from a psychological perspective. I remember being 21 and thinking Carrie Bradshaw was like the coolest person in the world. She is like the most perfect example of emotional insecurity or like emotional unavailability. It is like, it is a series that deserves an entire psychological analysis, but the show for, like I said, all its faults, it has some really wise moments and it has some moments that have like influenced an entire generation of people and how they see dating. And the taxicab theory is

2:17 probably one of the most famous examples of this. So the taxicab theory comes from a particular scene where Miranda, one of the characters essentially says that Men are like cabs. When they're available, their light goes on. They wake up one day and they decide they're ready to settle down. They're ready to have babies. They're ready to buy a house.

2:38 And then they turn their light on. And the next woman they pick up or the next person who steps into the cab is the one that they marry. The theory essentially says who you end up with, it's not love. It's not fate. It is timing and convenience. And it is the choice of the man. It's very similar to the idea of right person, wrong time, but kind of more so emphasizes the idea of like right time, any person.

3:04 Now this was obviously written as a joke, but I think the reason it resonated even decades later is because a lot of us have experienced something that really closely resembles to this. There is a bit of truth in the fun. And I think we've experienced this regardless of gender. You know, you're in a situationship with somebody for months, maybe even years, and like they won't commit. They don't want to label. They don't want to be with you.

3:30 And you finally break up with them. And then like a month later, you hear that they have a long term or a serious girlfriend or a serious partner. Your last partner refuses to move in with you or isn't sure about kids. And then the relationship ends. You go your separate ways. And with the next person, like they are suddenly sure. They suddenly know they want all the things they didn't want with you. You know, this person who was never ready for you seemingly changes overnight and becomes everything you wanted them to be for the next person.

4:02 It's devastating. It's really sad. I have a friend who was experiencing this right now. She spent eight years of her life with someone and he never wanted kids. She did. They broke up. And literally last week, that was like a year ago, last week she gets a text from a mutual friend that you know, like he's going to be a dad, he's going to have a kid. And it's like the breakup is how she described it. It's like, it's back to square one. That whole year of healing is kind of out of the window. That's the taxi cab theory. That's what it kind of says. Men choose when they're ready. Is that actually true? I want to look at some of the psychological evidence or some of the science behind this experience, you know, Is there something

4:49 in a man's brain that suddenly switches on at some stage in their life? Meaning that they're just going to make it work with whoever comes next. Like, is it biology? Is it the right person? Is it the social clock? Is it social conditioning? I've read so many papers on this. I've done the deep diving into the scientific research for you guys. And today I can reveal the truth about the taxicab theory. Is it true or false? Without further ado, let's get into it. So the first thing to note about the taxi cab theory is that I just think it represents a rather old fashioned way of seeing dating and seeing relationships that it's not a hundred percent generalizable.

5:37 It's not really as relevant anymore. It really plants men firmly in the center of a relationship. It's like the holder of all the power. They are the only decision maker. They are the only one that has a say. And that's just not correct? Women, people of all genders, we all have our own internal dialogue about whether we're ready to settle down, whether we want kids, whether we want this person, want to have kids with them, whether we're ready for long-term commitment. All of us make that choice.

6:07 A relationship is a mutual choice and people, both parties have an equal say. I think there is this general idea that women always want more commitment than men, but That's changing and it has been changing for a while. There was a large scale survey in 2022 from the Pew Research Center that showed men actually want a committed relationship and to date more than women do. 35% of women were looking for a relationship or wanted to date, according to the survey, compared to 50% of men. So there's something shifting. In fact, there was a 2025 research paper published in Scientific America that found men actually crave romantic relationships more than women do in this day and age.

6:53 So this paper drew on more than 50 studies of mixed gender relationships in Germany, in the US, in the Netherlands. And it basically proposed that men are typically less happy being single than women are. And they gain more from a relationship in terms of like mental, emotional, physical, even health benefits than women do. And they rely more on their partners. So they have more of a desire to want commitment. There was a separate study done in 2015, though, published at the University of Sunderland that did say something a little bit different. It essentially concluded that men might want commitment more. Women want more evidence of commitment. So they are more likely to crave somebody really confirming for them. Yes,

7:41 I want to be with you. Yes, this relationship is heading in the right direction. Yes. marriage, babies, kids, that's something that we're going to eventually do. Men need a little bit less of that. The reason I present these two kind of opposing papers or ideas is to basically show you any theory, like the taxicab theory, is complicated.

8:02 It's going to be flawed. It's not going to describe everyone perfectly. The taxicab theory also doesn't really have an explanation for queer relationships or why long-term committed relationships suddenly just break up? Does somebody turn their light off? Does everybody's light eventually switch off and then back on for somebody else? Does commitment have a shelf life? Was somebody lying about their desire for commitment in the first place?

8:28 It doesn't really have an explanation. It says men want commitment when they want commitment. They date whoever's there. They marry whoever is there. And that is the end. That is the conclusion of that story. And there's a lot more to that story. There's a lot that happens after the fact. That's the first major issue with the taxicab theory.

8:47 It assumes that men chase, men pursue, men choose, and women just kind of wait and pray and hope, maybe beg, when actually these days more women are avoiding dating and more women are avoiding long-term committed relationships than men. So I don't think it really applies. However, there is some evidence for it. All those instances where a man suddenly wants commitment out of the blue or seemingly changes for someone and becomes serious the older they get. There is some support for that, but there is also some support that this happens in everyone, regardless of gender. The first theory is the commitment readiness theory. The second theory that explains why this seemingly kind of happens overnight is the

9:39 socio-emotional timing theory and the third theory is the social clock theory and these kind of provide evidence that maybe it is as quick as we sometimes see. So let's break these down one by one starting with the commitment readiness theory. So this theory was proposed by three researchers in 2018 and it is probably the closest like legitimate psychological concept or psychological idea that we have to the taxi cab theory. These two sit probably the closest together.

10:12 Essentially what these researchers found was that people differ in how prepared they feel for commitment in different periods of their lives. And those differences seem to influence whether they pursue a relationship and how committed they eventually become once they're in that relationship. People who were high in commitment readiness, they really want to put a label on things. They really want to pursue a certain kind of person and a certain kind of bond and And they will often try and make things work with somebody if they see a possibility of a future. They really, they just want commitment.

10:55 People who are low in commitment readiness, they could be with the most perfect person for them. Compatibility like off the charts. This person could be a supermodel who is a Harvard graduate and runs a children's farm and they're a millionaire. And if this person's commitment readiness is low, none of those things matter. They will still not choose them.

11:21 They will still not want to be in a committed relationship with them, want any of those things. They might cheat. They might find reasons not to be with this person because that baseline level, that commitment readiness factor is not there. So what influences somebody's level of commitment readiness is complex.

11:40 We know that it can be a stable personality trait. So some people just never want commitment. That's just who they are and how they are. But we also know it is a trait that can kind of change across our lifetime based on our circumstances. Basically, people are kind of split down the middle. Is this something you're born with, that you grow into, or that changes over your lifetime?

12:03 For example, your desire to enter into a long-term committed relationship is going to change based on whether you've just gone through a breakup. whether you're about to move overseas, whether or what is going on with your work and with your family and with your health. All those things are going to determine whether you are open to something new.

12:23 Your commitment readiness is going to be really high if you've been single for a few years, you're seeing all your friends get married, you're really settled into a new city, maybe you're feeling a little bit lonely. So there are dials to this. What this theory says is that you could essentially meet the exact same person at different times in your life and have a very different reaction. In situation one, you're low in commitment readiness and this perfect person could just be somebody that you're cool to hang out with casually. In situation two, you might be high in commitment readiness and this person is suddenly your soulmate.

12:59 You could really see it working out. Nothing has really changed except for the circumstances and except for how you are feeling about the situation. That's what taxicab theory might be getting at, right? Timing is everything. Even when we wish it wasn't, sometimes it's just the context. It's just where we are in our lives that determines whether the person we are with could be the one. Now, something that influences this timing is obviously age and is obviously getting older. And this is, well, it really beautifully leads into something called socio-emotional selectivity theory. So this theory was first developed by a Stanford psychologist whose name is Laura L. Karsten.

13:43 And in her research, she essentially began to notice that you and I, like we make different decisions when we're young compared to when we're old. Specifically, as we age, she saw this pattern where people make different choices and they have different goals. So when we perceive the future as expansive and we feel like we have endless time ahead of us, we tend to prioritize exploration, novelty, information, and new experiences. When our perception of time becomes more limited, we tend to become more selective and we tend to place greater importance on emotionally meaningful relationships and experiences. You can see how this leads into taxicab theory. This theory though, like it's normally discussed in relation to aging, And it's

14:34 normally discussed in relation to why older people are kind of happier just being around their family and being in nature and kind of doing their own thing. They're really stuck in their ways and like their old habits. It's normally described for those choices. But I think there is something about it that maps really nicely onto the dating behavior we're exploring in this episode. When you're 21 or 25, you know, every door feels really open. A lot of people, not all people, but I would say a lot of us feel like at 21, it's a waste maybe to seek out a long-term relationship because there are so many people to meet and so many people to hang out with.

15:15 That feels different at 27 or 31 or 35 or 40. Something in us shifts. There's been certain research, including a really good 2023 paper from the International Psychological Association that actually suggests that how old you are will dictate what you seek in a relationship. It confirms what we were talking about before. When you are young, what's really important is novelty and humor and getting along with somebody and maybe looks. As we get older, personality becomes more important.

15:53 Value alignment becomes more important. Income becomes more important. But when we're in our early 20s, like How much money somebody makes isn't as important as kind of how they make us feel and like how passionate the bond is. This is essentially pointing to the fact that as we get older, we place a greater emphasis on things to do with the stability of a long-term relationship. And we're more likely to value somebody who feels like we could make a commitment to. Why is this? I feel like we know why, but let's lay it out. As you get older, the future feels more real. And it feels more concrete. And there are all these outside pressures that are telling you that you need stability. Your parents are

16:39 getting older. Your friends are getting married. Your friends are maybe having kids. Your friends are buying houses. And that really puts everything that you might want from your future into perspective and makes it feel like, all right, the time is ticking. I need to find somebody. All that time that you feel like you have to meet somebody starts to dwindle. Now, that doesn't mean that you become desperate and you settle down immediately, but it does change the relative importance you place on stability compared to novelty and values compared to passion. And you start looking for something more serious. And what you look for normally ends up being what you find. Let me say, that is not always a good thing. If your timeline to find

17:23 the one feels like it's shrinking and the options look more and more scarce and you get really, really desperate, you can very easily end up choosing the wrong person. We know this feeling and this phenomena as the scarcity effect in psychology. People make really irrational choices when they feel like they have few choices. And this is another flaw with taxicab theory. Sure, a man might pick someone, might be like, oh, I've turned 35, time to find my wife. And they seek out a committed relationship and they make it work for a while. Does that mean that is a good relationship? They might have commitment now.

18:03 Does it mean they're going to have commitment in 10 years? I don't know. Probably not. Being chosen is not, or making a choice is not all that a good relationship is. You have to choose that person again and again and again and again. You have to like them for more than the stability that they provide you given your sense of social pressure or given life circumstances. However, the socio-emotional selectivity theory may actually explain why men commit later and why women feel perhaps increasingly desperate. This is really what this theory is saying. We get to a certain age where a man makes a choice and women are like, well, thank God I'm being chosen and they agree. Let's explore why that might be slash probably you know, why that's

18:52 changing after this short break. So a big part of taxicab theory is like, why do men supposedly settle down later? Like what's driving this pattern? The evolutionary explanation is very simple. Men simply have more time to have children. There we go. Done. That's literally it. That's what evolutionary psychologists would say. Biologically, their time horizon for mating and producing offspring is longer.

19:23 If you want children for women, that means that the pressure to find somebody is put into sharper focus perhaps earlier on. I'm in my late 20s now and something changes at 25 and 26. All my friends are talking about fertility. We're not talking about having kids, but we're talking about do we want kids? We're talking about what kind of parent do you think we're going to be?

19:45 We're talking about all these little things. And I don't want to make, you know, assumptions, but I just don't see men the same age having those same conversations. And I don't see my single male friends worrying about whether they're going to be able to have kids or find somebody to have kids with compared to my single female friends for whom the biological clock is really, really influencing them.

20:09 The biological clock is one thing. The social clock is the second layer to this. We've spoken about this before, probably recently actually, but the social clock describes the culturally constructed timeline that tells us when certain milestones are supposedly meant to be happening. So leaving home, I don't know, choosing your career, finding a partner, getting married, having kids, all of us have this kind of blueprint in our mind of when those things should happen. We absorb these timelines.

20:41 And then when we fall off that timeline, when we don't meet it, there is something in our brain that goes, okay, we need to get back on. Like we've done something wrong. There is this unconscious, socially conditioned alarm clock that wants you to get back onto the prescribed train tracks. This actually explains why turning 30, for example, becomes such a bizarre psychological moment. and really puts big life changes in perspective, not just for relationships, but for everything. It's why we often see that commit or get out moment around 30.

21:21 Nothing magical happens. Biologically, there is nothing going on in a man or a woman's brain at this age that's like, okay, I need to meet somebody. But culturally, something happens. Turning 30 is incredibly symbolic. It is like the most, it is like an adult age. 30 is an adult age. We feel like we've entered this new level of growing up. Psychologically, that is what influences our behavior to commit both in men and women. Someone's like metaphorical cap light doesn't switch on.

21:53 Like there is no biology that changes overnight. What changes overnight is our appreciation and our stress. for the social timeline and how we are or we aren't kind of meeting it. That's what the taxicab theory might be explaining. So there's one final factor here that perhaps explains why someone suddenly becomes ready for commitment seemingly in like the blink of an eye after, I don't know, maybe dragging their feet for a long time. And I've got to say, it's probably the most painful explanation of this whole episode.

22:36 It's the most personal explanation for why this sometimes happens and why maybe you've experienced it. Simply put, your previous relationships give you more knowledge of who you are as a partner and they make you a better partner, even if you don't end up being with that person. Being in a relationship leaves you fundamentally changed. It challenges you.

23:02 You also feel supported by it, but also you feel Yeah, it challenges you and that the friction of being in a relationship with somebody, whether it works out or not, is hopefully going to mean that you become a better person from that relationship. In psychology, this is called self-expansion theory or the self-expansion theory of love. We are naturally motivated to pursue relationships that are going to expand our potential and going to expand our identity and our sense of self. That is the best kinds of love. Even the love that doesn't last should do that. It should make you a better person or at least it should try and help you bond with somebody else. That expansion doesn't guarantee the relationship will last forever. Sometimes people become

23:47 the best versions of themselves in a relationship and then they exit that relationship and get to be the best version of themselves for somebody else. And it is so unfair. It is so unfair. If you haven't heard about the idea of the foster girlfriend, this is basically what this is. This is basically what I'm talking about when we talk about this phenomena. So a foster girlfriend is like the girl that everyone dates before they find or before they choose the love of their life. It's like the home that the kennel sends all their worst cases to. And this loving person mends their wounds and teaches this little dog that like other people are safe and teaches them how to love. And then they go to their forever home.

24:33 And the person who did all the healing and did all the mending is left with basically nothing until the next case comes along and the cycle repeats. Being the foster girlfriend is really bittersweet because you get to see all these people benefit from the work that you put in whilst you wait for the person who wants to put that work in with you. And eventually you get to this point of wondering like, am I ever going to find that? Am I ever going to have my forever person? Again, this may explain why time and time again, we see this pattern. Someone leaves a relationship and the next person they date is the one. As devastating as it is, that formal relationship gave them, possibly gave them the clarity and gave them the tools that they couldn't

25:25 gain on their own. In the process of gaining all that clarity and gaining all their tools, it burnt out that old relationship. That relationship needed to die for that person to emerge, for both people to emerge. And then they build something new from that. They build something new from that kind of decay and all that learning. Being the person who was left behind is horrible. Let me just make that so clear as somebody who has been in that situation so many times. It's horrible, especially when it happens time and time again. But just because the timing didn't work out and just because that relationship kind of burnt to the ground doesn't mean other things were working, right?

26:07 Just because this person ended up being better doesn't mean the relationship was good. This is a major flaw with the taxi cab theory. It puts everything down to circumstances, everything down to timing. And often that means we neglect the deeper picture and we kind of ignore all the other stuff that may not have been going right or may have never worked in the first place, right? To use another Sex and the City example, for those of you who have watched the show, you know, Carrie and Big.

26:36 Carrie and Big are like this classic relationship at the center of this TV show. And they tried time and time again at various points in their life to make that relationship work. And it remained an awful relationship. Like, he literally left her at the altar. Sorry to spoil it if you haven't seen the movie. And like, in the end, they end up together. Again, another spoiler. sorry, it's been out for a while. I feel like you should have watched it by now, but you know, they end up together. Did that make all the pain that came before it worth it just because somebody finally chose the other person? You know, there was like decades of this person not knowing if either of the other, like if the other person was the right one, it was

27:15 decades of like hurting each other and hurting other people they were in relationships with. Like just because they end up together, does that mean that it was the right relationship and like all's well that ends well? I don't know. I think what the taxicab theory is missing is this ingredient, which is that both people need to want to be there.

27:35 Wrong timings. I think sometimes saying that something is the wrong timing seems nicer than saying the desire and the passion perhaps just actually wasn't there either. Do you know what I mean? Like maybe this person actually just didn't want to be with me. That distinction is incredibly important, especially if you're currently dating somebody who, you know, keeps telling you that they aren't ready. There is a huge difference between somebody lacking general relationship readiness because of their personality or because of where they are at in their life or their desires and somebody lacking relationship readiness with you.

28:17 And unfortunately, I don't think we can always know which one it is. And I think this is where the cab theory is. becomes psychologically a little bit harmful and a little bit dangerous because if you believe taxicab theory you will stay in the wrong relationship far longer than you need to because you have this deep belief that eventually their light is going to go on it becomes so easy to convince yourself okay wait maybe they're not ready now but once this part of our life is over they will be once this part of our life is over they will be once they turn 30 Once all of our friends start having kids, once this busy period at work, you just sit and you just like watch the light and you wait for it to turn on. Meanwhile,

29:03 there were all these other people around you who might be better fits. Yes, people have their own timelines. And you know what? Marrying somebody six months out the gate probably isn't wise. Committing to somebody immediately or with a rush timeline probably isn't a good idea. People do take their time to make these decisions. But if you have been sitting and sitting and sitting and sitting in a relationship or a situation ship or anything like that, being like, they're going to change eventually, they're going to change eventually.

29:36 Maybe they just won't. And actually, maybe they just won't for you. and the best thing you can do is to move forward when we really like somebody I think these theories offer a lot of comfort and they provide like a bit of an illusion that we might be able to fix this problem we might be able to to solve it we might be able like it's all a matter of time eventually I think the overanalyzing that you're doing and the search for different explanations becomes quite harmful because there can be a million reasons why somebody is the way they are. There can be a million reasons why they won't commit and why they're avoidant and why they don't want what you want. They don't want marriage.

30:19 They don't want a label, whatever. It just gets to a point where that really doesn't matter anymore. There can be a completely accurate explanation and for why they are the way they are, does it change how you feel though? No, because if you still feel terrible and sad and you still feel like you're begging for the bare minimum, all those explanations do is make you feel unjustified for having your feeling because we can explain their behavior away. I heard this quote from a psychologist once, which I think is perfect for this situation, which is, An exclamation can create empathy, but it doesn't necessarily create compatibility. That is really critical in situations like this. So how do we know when someone is ready? How do we know when

31:09 somebody's light is actually on? Not just for everyone, but for us. How do we know when somebody is serious and wants to date us and is ready to do that in a healthy way? We're going to talk about it after this short break. Stay with us. So as I said before the break, what are the signs psychologically that someone's light is on for good or that someone's light is on for you? They are emotionally available for you.

31:42 I think for you is the best part of that sentence, right? We've talked so much about other people in this episode and we've talked so much about past relationships and the people that people go on today. Enough of that. What should you be looking out for so that you don't find yourself in another waiting game situation? Number one, they talk about the future specifically with excitement and with detail and they don't just talk about it hypothetically and they don't just talk about it when you do. I think this difference between I can't wait or I'd love to live in this city and I can't wait or I'd love to live in this city with you. And when you're having these conversations, it doesn't feel like you are

32:22 dragging out commitment from them. You don't feel anxious for bringing it up or anxious for bringing up the idea that you guys might be together in the future because they are giving you signs, verbal, physical, emotional, that they want the same things. Even if it's not happening right now, they are excited about the possibility of it happening. Number two, they don't breadcrumb you. They don't It's not fair to tease somebody with the idea of commitment just so that you get them to stay. And if they're doing that to you, if they're giving you little things only when you get really desperate, only when you really beg for it, I don't think that shows that their light is on. Now, as I said, that doesn't mean that somebody has to

33:07 know straight out the gate and put a label on something immediately. But when you bring it up to them, like what's the direction? There is a sense of eventually and not just, I'm avoiding this at all costs. I'm going to say what I need to say to get you to not talk about this. And I'm going to say what I need to say to keep you around whilst also not giving you a full answer. And that's that.

33:33 Number three, I also think they mean what they say, right? They don't over promise and they don't keep delaying timelines. If they said, I think I might be ready for this, or I think we should wait till the three month mark, the four month mark, or the three year mark, the four year mark. When you get to those points, maybe they need a little bit longer, but the conversation is there and there are things that are changing. You are not just going in circles and circles and circles. You are making these decisions together. There is an open conversation.

34:03 Number four, I also think, and this is probably the most important, somebody's light is on for you, but in general, when they don't make you feel bad for wanting to be around them or wanting them in your life. The person who would be right for you would not make you feel weird or make you feel strange or act insulted or act embarrassed by the fact that you want to be around them and you want to commit to them.

34:32 That is such a strange reaction to have. I remember being with someone for whom I was definitely a foster girlfriend, by the way. And I would say, you know, I wish we spent more time together. I kind of wish I knew where this was going. Like, I wish that like, there was a label, whatever. And I distinctly remember this person being like, that is so weird. You're making this so weird. You're making me feel so overwhelmed. You're like embarrassing me. You're embarrassing yourself. We've been dating for like six months. And if somebody is going to make you feel bad for being earnest and putting your heart on your sleeve and saying, this is what I want. That is not the right relationship. Note what I'm not saying.

35:12 I'm not saying that if somebody's light is on, it will feel easy. I'm not saying that you know, when you know, you know, and that everything is relaxed because I don't actually think that. I don't think that's the case. I would say a great deal of couples. It's, I just, I really struggle with this. Like when you know, you know, right person, right time, everything is easy from their mentality.

35:34 I think you can still have like struggles around when or what the timeline is for your relationship and be right for each other. The thing is, the critical thing is that there is a mutual decision-making taking place. The taxi cab theory does not include that level of mutual decision-making, right? There is one person who is making the decision and one person who is kind of blindly following along. You know, the man decides he's ready to settle down. The light switches on. He chooses the next suitable person who comes along.

36:04 That's that person. And the person who gets in the cab never for once seems to have an opinion about or never for once seems to also have questions or doubts. And that is a relationship. Like that is a relationship. Ongoing conversations and questions about like, is this person actually right for me are completely normal. And I think that anybody who can make that choice so like quickly and willy-nilly and be like, great, I'm ready for a relationship.

36:30 I'll grab that person, jump on my rowboat and we will sail into the sunset. I don't actually think that's going to be a good relationship anyway. So this whole thing around wanting to be chosen, needing to be chosen, waiting to be chosen, I think really strips women specifically of a lot of power because it just positions you as not being able to make a choice and it positions men continually as the leader of what is a two-person decision-making relationship. I also want to say if someone is you loved moved on really, really quickly. Yes. Maybe the self-growth and the self-expansion theory does hold up and you were the foster girlfriend and they learned or foster boyfriend and they, and they learned and they fixed all

37:21 their issues through you. Maybe. My bet is that eventually or already they are going to have similar issues to the ones that you had with this new person because deeply held relationship patterns do not disappear overnight. just because the relationship changes and just because the outside of the relationship looks fantastic. So I really want this to be my final word on this. And it's to those of you who have found yourself being replaced or who have found yourself continuously being the one that comes before the end game relationship. I know the feeling. I know the deep sense of dread that no one will ever choose you or want you. It is very easy to believe that you contain a fundamental flaw that makes you unlovable

38:07 or that these men or these people you've dated have always had a timeline or a preference that you weren't a part of. Yeah, maybe perhaps you feel like you are the person that people get all their fun out with and then they find the right person for them. Whatever it is that's running through your brain, I want to assure you that one day, not only will the timing be perfect, but the person will be perfect as well because they will have what these other people didn't, which is a genuine admiration and excitement to be with you regardless of timing. So wait for someone who wants a future with you and is a hundred percent certain and excited for it. It's very easy to see everyone around us getting married and engaged and finding the one

38:56 and really think perhaps I should settle and perhaps I should lower my standards and just choose whoever comes next please don't please don't forcing a relationship just because your timeline starts to feel shorter or because you feel like time is running out it's just never a good idea there is someone out there as well who is going through exactly what you're going through and they've been dumped and dumped and dumped and the timing's never worked and everybody they've been with has gone on to find a fulfilling relationship and they've kind of been left in the wayside and they are perhaps the perfect person for you and they are begging you right now, please do not settle.

39:39 Please do not settle just because the social clock makes it feel like you must or because everyone around you is doing it. So that my friends, is the evidence for and against the taxicab theory. To summarize, the theory has a teeny bit of evidence, teeny bit of evidence, but it's been twisted in ways that kind of no longer make sense. There is not some instinct or some before and after moment where somebody suddenly wants a relationship.

40:16 It is relationship-dependent. It is about being with the right person who you have compatibility with. And that sucks if that wasn't you, but there will be somebody for whom you do have that compatibility with. And it really does come down to this more complex intersection between the social clock and what people feel is appropriate, commitment readiness, where somebody is at in their life, and also what they've taken from previous relationships and what they've learned. And perhaps you've always been the kindling on that fire and you've always been the one who's been burnt so that the next person could kind of go on and find what they're looking for. There is somebody currently who is going through that in their own relationship who you will one

41:04 day meet. And I think that that person is worth waiting for even as time seems to be kind of running out. So that's my summary of the taxicab theory. Let me know, have you seen examples of this in your own life? Do you think that explanation makes sense? Is there another factor or element of this that you think we might be missing? Make sure that you watch an episode on Netflix. If you haven't, you can also DM me and follow us on Instagram if you want to stay up to date with episodes that are coming out.

41:34 If you want to contribute to future episodes, I'm always on Instagram asking for your opinions on this theory, not just this theory, on all theories. Might even put a little question box up about it after this episode comes out to be like, what do you guys think? Have you experienced this? So if you want to be part of that, go and follow us at That Psychology Podcast on Instagram. You can follow us on Substack. You can find more links in the description. Everything you need to know is down there. I just hope you enjoyed this episode.

42:01 I hope you learned something about the psychology and the science behind a funny little theory from a Sex and the City episode. These are my favorite kind of episodes to make at times. But yeah, until next time, be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. I hope you enjoyed. We will talk very, very soon.