S3E2 - 3.2 Friendship Isn't Magic

0:04 [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to the signature eats bakery. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm SIG! [SPEAKER_02]: We've got breads, pies, cookies, cakes, and absolutely no adventures. [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, taste this. [SPEAKER_02]: In honor of honor's coronation coming up, limited time only amaranthian trickle-tarts. [SPEAKER_02]: What do you think?

0:28 [SPEAKER_03]: Hmm, hmm, very sweet. [SPEAKER_03]: But that hint of lemon keeps it from being too much. [SPEAKER_03]: Hmm, hmm, big fan. [SPEAKER_02]: Ha, pretty good for an unshowsen baker. [SPEAKER_03]: SIG, you said you were over that. [SPEAKER_02]: I am. [SPEAKER_02]: Good. [SPEAKER_02]: But do you happen to know who the chosen baker actually is because... SIG?

0:50 [SPEAKER_02]: No, no, I'm over it. [SPEAKER_02]: I promise. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm just curious about SIG! [SPEAKER_02]: I'm just saying! [SPEAKER_00]: Am I interrupting? [SPEAKER_02]: Yes, and thank you. [SPEAKER_02]: Do you need something happy? [SPEAKER_00]: I have gathered the ingredients. [SPEAKER_00]: Would now be an appropriate time to begin the experiment.

1:07 [SPEAKER_02]: You don't have to ask for my permission. [SPEAKER_02]: If you're ready, go for it. [SPEAKER_02]: Ooh, experiment. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh right, you weren't here for that. [SPEAKER_02]: While you were all fixing your focus, happy and I were getting the bakery IPA certified. [SPEAKER_02]: IPA? [SPEAKER_03]: Like, you're going to start serving beer?

1:24 [SPEAKER_02]: What? [SPEAKER_02]: No! [SPEAKER_00]: IPA is the acronym representing the Inhuman Persons Alliance. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, it's a group for like, werewolves, lamias, banshes, you know, people who get a bad wrap for just existing. [SPEAKER_02]: Like, sure, it can be a little unsettling that lamias don't blink because they're half-snake and you really gotta be prepared before you see someone unhinged their jaw and swallow a mouse hole.

1:47 [SPEAKER_02]: But it's not a reflection of character, not really fair to just break out the pitch works on site. [SPEAKER_00]: The IPA assists members by providing education to the general public, as well as identifying establishments where they will be welcomed. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I was already unofficially an IPA hotspot since HappyWorks here.

2:05 [SPEAKER_02]: It'd be weird if I had an aberrant one running the register, but drew the line at letting in where Wolves, you know? [SPEAKER_02]: Anyone who wants to buy a pie can buy a pie. [SPEAKER_02]: In two days ago, a giant walks in after hours, and [SPEAKER_02]: Well, he doesn't actually walk in.

2:18 [SPEAKER_02]: He couldn't fit because, you know, giant. [SPEAKER_02]: Right. [SPEAKER_02]: So I go out and talk to him, and apparently he heard that I might be a good person to see about a special baking request. [SPEAKER_02]: Traditional, nimbist giant bread. [SPEAKER_02]: I thought it was just going to be a matter of getting a really big baking pan, but then he told me about the ingredients.

2:36 [SPEAKER_03]: I think I see where this is going. [SPEAKER_03]: Be he alive or be he dead? [SPEAKER_03]: I'll grind his bones to make my bread. [SPEAKER_03]: Okay, yes, but why did you have a rhyme for that ready to go? [SPEAKER_03]: Hi, did not make up that rhyme. [SPEAKER_03]: It's from a story for kids back home.

2:50 [SPEAKER_00]: That sounds very grim for a children's story. [SPEAKER_03]: No, it's English. [SPEAKER_03]: The grim stories are German, but that's beside the point. [SPEAKER_03]: He wanted you to make bread from human bones? [SPEAKER_03]: Kind of a wild thing to ask a human. [SPEAKER_00]: Though traditional nimbus giant bread is made from human bone, it is a widely discontinued and taboo practice in the present day.

3:13 [SPEAKER_02]: They use sheep bones now, but apparently it ruins the texture. [SPEAKER_03]: Oh! [SPEAKER_03]: My mom had the exact same problem when she went gluten-free. [SPEAKER_03]: Every brand she tried was to dense or to crumbly, and the taste was always all wrong. [SPEAKER_00]: The giant wished for sig to attempt to come up with a better substitute than sheep bone.

3:32 [SPEAKER_02]: And no judgment to him, but I can't say that I personally have the stomach to try and recreate human bone meal. [SPEAKER_01]: Fair. [SPEAKER_01]: But how about... [SPEAKER_01]: Excuse me, are you in line? [SPEAKER_01]: Nope, all you! [SPEAKER_02]: Welcome to SignatureEats! [SPEAKER_02]: What are you hungry for?

3:49 [SPEAKER_01]: Hmm... [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not sure. [SPEAKER_01]: You're the expert, right? [SPEAKER_01]: What's the best dessert to get people to like each other? [SPEAKER_02]: Like, magically? [SPEAKER_02]: Cause this isn't that kind of bakery. [SPEAKER_01]: No, no, no, not like that. [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, what's the best dessert for a fishing group bonding?

4:09 [SPEAKER_01]: See, my gut is saying cupcakes. [SPEAKER_01]: But that might also be because I haven't had lunch yet, and I really want a cupcake. [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, scooper, don't worry. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to eat real food too. [SPEAKER_01]: I promise, get in and cane or get in supplies. [SPEAKER_03]: Oh my gosh, is that a familiar?

4:28 [SPEAKER_03]: Are you a witch? [SPEAKER_01]: Hmm, that I am. [SPEAKER_01]: Toadhouse alum. [SPEAKER_01]: And this is Cooper, my little helper, Pigeon. [SPEAKER_03]: I'm adorable! [SPEAKER_03]: I'm in Toadhouse, too! [SPEAKER_03]: I don't have a familiar yet, though. [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I highly recommend one.

4:45 [SPEAKER_01]: This quest would be much more unbearable without him. [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you're on a quest? [SPEAKER_01]: Why does everyone I tell sound so surprised? [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, no fans, you look capable. [SPEAKER_02]: It's just, statistically speaking, tote house grads usually avoid jobs that increase their odds of going out in a blaze of violent and painful glory.

5:05 [SPEAKER_01]: You're right about that. [SPEAKER_01]: And usually I wouldn't be questing. [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I ran a potion shop. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not interested in anything more exciting than an accidental spill. [SPEAKER_01]: But occasionally, Hexwell has a legacy quest that needs past students affiliated with the Chow's, you know, rule of threes and all.

5:23 [SPEAKER_01]: And someone has to draw the short straw. [SPEAKER_01]: You know, so I may not like quests, but I also don't want the kingdom to be destroyed. [SPEAKER_01]: I live here. [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, I feel that. [SPEAKER_01]: And the other two called for the quest were Gideon and Kane. [SPEAKER_01]: True claw and direbeak, respectively.

5:41 [SPEAKER_01]: None of us really interacted in our school days, but they're nice enough. [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, Gideon is nice. [SPEAKER_01]: Kane is more distant and brooding than nice. [SPEAKER_01]: But he's still the nicest, direbeak student I've met. [SPEAKER_03]: When it comes to direbeak kids, you kind of have to grade on a curb.

5:59 [SPEAKER_03]: If they're not actively in league with a dark lord, then they're doing pretty good. [SPEAKER_01]: Exactly. [SPEAKER_01]: Anyway, there's a null vortex in the forest to death. [SPEAKER_01]: In and about a week, it's going to break the forest boundary and eat all of solarguards if we don't stop it.

6:16 [SPEAKER_01]: The quest was to fetch some amulets that Florian Hexwell hid that can counteract the vortex. [SPEAKER_01]: Stone Guardians, riddles three, bog of anguish, standard stuff. [SPEAKER_01]: So we got there, no problem. [SPEAKER_01]: Grab the amulets, made it back here with time to spare. [SPEAKER_00]: It sounds as if you were very successful.

6:34 [SPEAKER_01]: It does, doesn't it? [SPEAKER_01]: Except that the amulets are completely useless. [SPEAKER_01]: You want to know why? [SPEAKER_01]: Read the inscription. [SPEAKER_00]: Three hearts must act as one to do what must be done. [SPEAKER_01]: The second we grabbed them and I saw that they were heart-shaped.

6:54 [SPEAKER_01]: I knew the quest was doomed. [SPEAKER_01]: hate love-based magic, all emotion-based magic, really, but especially love. [SPEAKER_01]: It's so fickle. [SPEAKER_01]: Give me potions any day. [SPEAKER_01]: Precise measurements, set recipes, consistent results. [SPEAKER_01]: Why should how well my magic works depend on how affectionate I'm feeling that day?

7:15 [SPEAKER_00]: Emotion where resonance can be a very powerful force when channeled magically. [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. [SPEAKER_02]: I always roll my eyes when someone says, love is the most powerful magic of all. [SPEAKER_02]: But if you're channeling that love into an actual blast of empathic magic, then that's a different story.

7:31 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, maybe that would work if they picked three people who were already friends. [SPEAKER_01]: But we haven't been able to get so much as a spark of magic from these amulets. [SPEAKER_01]: Three hearts act as one. [SPEAKER_01]: I barely know them. [SPEAKER_01]: The warmest feeling I can muster towards them is professional respect.

7:49 [SPEAKER_01]: And the lack of feeling is mutual, Gideon would clearly prefer to be adventuring with his actual party, and Caine keeps reminding us that Vultures fly solo, which I'm almost certain is untrue, but I don't care enough about Ornithology to argue with him. [SPEAKER_03]: Maybe the idea was that you were supposed to bond on the quest, a fellowship of the amulet kind of deal.

8:11 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, clearly it was a flawed idea, and solo guard gets consumed by the vortex in a week if we don't solve this. [SPEAKER_01]: So, cupcakes, cookies, muffins. [SPEAKER_01]: I'll take any suggestions. [SPEAKER_00]: My recommendation would be the cupcakes, but they're asked what emotion you tried to channel through the amulet.

8:28 [SPEAKER_01]: Well, love, obviously. [SPEAKER_01]: Friendship love, I mean. [SPEAKER_01]: Florian Hexwell was always big on friendship. [SPEAKER_01]: One of the least inseparable things about him, though it's really coming back to bite us right now. [SPEAKER_02]: Did it say you had a channel of, like, in the quest instructions?

8:45 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't see anything about that on the amulet. [SPEAKER_03]: Well, it's shaped like a heart. [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, but that doesn't automatically mean anything. [SPEAKER_03]: It could just be for the aesthetic. [SPEAKER_03]: Flashing magical weapons and amulets are usually used to channel love or hate because those are the most dramatic emotions.

9:03 [SPEAKER_03]: But you can magically channel basically any emotion as long as it's strong enough. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm sure Florian was expecting you to channel love when he made the amulet heart-shaped, but that doesn't necessarily mean he's stopped you from channeling anything else. [SPEAKER_02]: As far as I can tell, the only actual restriction is that you and the other two amulet holders feel the same way.

9:24 [SPEAKER_02]: Is there anything that three of you feel really strongly about? [SPEAKER_02]: Not really, unless he can't want to get this quest over with. [UNKNOWN]: Ha! [SPEAKER_03]: Look at that! [SPEAKER_02]: With that counts? [SPEAKER_02]: Hey, as someone who feels it regularly, annoyances a very strong emotion.

9:41 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, I still don't like a motion-based magic. [SPEAKER_01]: But at least this is one I feel very confident in summoning. [SPEAKER_01]: And if I got my amulet working, that means Cain and Gideon will be able to use theirs too. [SPEAKER_01]: I just need to tell them what to channel and we can get this over with and go home.

9:59 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, you were all lifesavers. [SPEAKER_01]: And you know what? [SPEAKER_01]: I'll take a cupcake for the road. [SPEAKER_01]: Do you have chocolate? [SPEAKER_02]: Of course. [SPEAKER_02]: That's one chocolate cupcake for you, and, uh, what does it familiar you're eating? [SPEAKER_01]: Anything.

10:15 [SPEAKER_01]: They're made of magic. [SPEAKER_02]: Okay, then won't let Cookie for Cooper on the house. [SPEAKER_01]: He says, thank you. [SPEAKER_01]: And so do I. [SPEAKER_01]: If you ever need anything potion related, come find me. [SPEAKER_01]: My name's Ainsley and my shop is bubbling bruise. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sick, and that's B and happy.

10:35 [SPEAKER_01]: Nice to meet you all. [SPEAKER_01]: I'd love to stay in chat, but I have a date with a no-vortex. [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, Cooper, lunch first. [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, here payment. [SPEAKER_01]: Thanks again. [SPEAKER_03]: A little concerning that this is the first time hearing about a null vortex in the forest of death.

10:58 [SPEAKER_00]: It's constant mortal peril not implied by the location's name. [SPEAKER_03]: Yeah, but there's a difference between the nebulous concept of death and the imminent destruction of the entire kingdom. [SPEAKER_03]: But wait, SIG, back to the bonebread. [SPEAKER_03]: Are you going to make it?

11:14 [SPEAKER_02]: No. [SPEAKER_02]: Happy is. [SPEAKER_02]: I was trying to figure out a polite way to turn the giant down, but... [SPEAKER_02]: Happy volunteer to take point. [SPEAKER_02]: This first big solo assignment. [SPEAKER_03]: Oh, exciting! [SPEAKER_03]: How do you feel? [SPEAKER_03]: Up for the challenge?

11:28 [SPEAKER_00]: Though this is not the first time I have used bones in a culinary context. [SPEAKER_00]: This is the first time I will be doing so on behalf of signature eats. [SPEAKER_02]: Don't worry, I trust you, which is a good thing because I am not taste testing your work. [SPEAKER_02]: I'm sure you'll do great.

11:47 [SPEAKER_03]: And, you might not even have to use bones. [SPEAKER_03]: I have an idea. [SPEAKER_03]: gelatin. [SPEAKER_03]: You think we can replace the bones with gelatin? [SPEAKER_03]: No, but gelatin is made of animal protein. [SPEAKER_03]: You get it from boiling bones. [SPEAKER_03]: When you make vegetarian gelatin, you use pectin instead, and you get it from boiling fruits.

12:06 [SPEAKER_03]: I know this isn't exactly the same thing, but maybe instead of looking for an animal bone substitute, we can try for something plant-based. [SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, the abyss does have several fruits not present on the mortal plane that may prove an adequate substitution. [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you, Bee.

12:23 [SPEAKER_00]: I will take some time to think on the matter. [SPEAKER_02]: Do you think the chosen baker would have made the bone bread? [SPEAKER_03]: Happy? [SPEAKER_03]: Wait for me! [SPEAKER_02]: Episode 2, friendship isn't magic, was written and directed by Destiny Howell, with sound designed by Brad Colbrook and theme music by Lauren Selwin.

12:43 [SPEAKER_02]: During the voice talents of Wes Haas as SIG, Karsten Otto as Happy, Sarah Ruth Thomas as B, and featuring Melissa J. Lackey as Ainsley. [SPEAKER_02]: If you enjoyed the show, be sure to leave us a review and subscribe. [SPEAKER_02]: If you'd like to help support the show, join our Patreon or buy us a coffee.

13:01 [SPEAKER_02]: You can find us online at noadventurespod.com or at our blue sky at no adventurers pod. [SPEAKER_02]: For extras, transcripts, and absolutely no adventurers. [SPEAKER_00]: So the boy who innovated the giant's home, stole from him on three separate occasions, and then murdered him, is the hero of this story.

13:22 [SPEAKER_03]: Yep. [SPEAKER_00]: And you are certain that this story is for children? [SPEAKER_03]: Hey, man, I don't write the tales. [SPEAKER_03]: I just report them.