Too Dumb to F*ck

Scott, are you ready? Could it be? I'm ready to laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

I know you are.

Always.

New Hampshire man accused of stealing fire truck as crews battle fire at his home.

Oh, wow. You know, it's our favorite state for a reason. Burn, baby, burn. This is bananas.

Would you believe me if I did blow your mind to a zillion pieces? Would you believe me? Driving me bananas, baby, bananas, bananas, bananas. Driving me bananas, baby, bananas, bananas, bananas.

Guys, gals, non-binary pals, welcome to another thrilling episode of the podcast known as bananas my name is kurt brown oler.

And you may address me as one scotty landis thank you for listening to the silliest little podcast there ever was especially yeah to the good and decent people.

Uh-huh Of Addison, Michigan. Addison, Michigan.

Population 573 strong, including a bananimal named Janelle. Janelle and the good people of Addison, Michigan, you are officially on the map.

I love it. Janelle.

Under a grand, we love it. Good job, Janelle. Tell your friends about us. How's everybody doing? We're hoping you're having a great week. You can just relax.

Just relax, because we got you.

We're going to take care of you for the next 50 minutes. You don't have to worry about it.

Anything.

Not at all.

Do you know what I just found out, Scotty?

Tell me.

Kristen Schaal is going to be at Cold Plunge on October 7th. Isn't that awesome?

The great Kristen Schaal.

And it's just going to be hot plunge cold tub.

Hot plunge cold tub.

Or maybe hot plunge. I guess it's probably hot plunge.

Just a nice medium soak.

Yeah, just a nice medium soak. We're going to host together. We're going to do a little bit. It's going to be great. I'm really excited about it. And Portland.

Whoa.

I added these shows so late. I was obviously a fill-in for someone who canceled.

That's fine. I don't mind.

September 24th, 25th, and 26th at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon. And then, of course, Bloomington, Indiana, if you're in Indiana.

Yeah.

And if you're in Indianapolis, make the hour drive. Come on out and see me at the Comedy Attic in Bloomington, September 17th, 18th, and 19th. And if you are from the great city of Chicago, Illinois, I'm there.

One of the greats.

October 15th, just one night, the Color Club. Two shows at the Color Club. Come on out, folks.

Bananas, come on. You're probably sitting there. You're looking at your spouse, your partner. You're significant on there. They're eating a whole bowl of hamburger helper with a big spoon. And you're probably going, we don't do anything anymore. When was the last time we did something fun? Oh, God, it's just day after day monotony. And then all of a sudden, you realize, oh, my God, I can go see excellent touring headlining comedian Kurt Braunohler and laugh my ass off. Right in our own town.

I'm going to be recording this hour soon, folks. It is ready to go. It is ready to go. It is a finely crafted hour. I would love for you to see it before it gets put onto celluloid and is never performed again.

That's great. It's so funny. Comics, they love to burn material. They're so excited about new material. They work that material. They tour that material. And then there's a point where they're like, it is time to put this down on tape. And to start a new, and I'm glad you're, you're reaching that crest of that wave.

Yeah, I have to just because I now have jokes that span like two, three years of my children's lives, lives. And it's now, it's confusing. I have to get rid of these jokes so that I can just go forward and continue just with one age of jokes.

I'm so glad that you have kids and that so many of our friends have kids and we have friends who have kids that are starting college now, which is insanity.

So crazy.

It's wonderful. I also feel so happy for those friends because I'm like, you're free. You did it. You got to the finish line. Now you can just goof off.

But you're broken at that point. That's the thing. The children have broken you so that you do not know how to function normally without children. It's the same thing as when they're born and you have to redefine your whole life. When they leave, you have to redefine your whole life, I think, because they've broken you anyway.

Sounds inspirational. All I was saying was it helps me as a person who lives in a city where there's very few seasonal changes. It allows me to witness time passing in a way that I'm like, yeah, it has been a while. And I was thinking of Olive the other day because I was standing in line and a guy in front of me had a tattoo of the planets in order up his calf, on his calf. And in lockdown 2020, Kurt was kind enough to invite me over to sit socially distanced for Thanksgiving in his driveway.

They made me a plate of food and I sat in chair and the family was on one side and I was on the other side. It was very sweet of you because I was living solo. A lot of looking at those walls, a lot of yoga with Adrian. And Olive must have just mastered the solar system planets in order and had drawn them in chalk on the driveway.

And she just was going, Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars. And seeing the tattoo reminded me of that moment. So I was thinking, wow, that was six years ago. And thank goodness. That's crazy. Crazy, dude.

She was three years old. She was obsessed with the planets at three years old. Obsessed.

I still am fascinated. Also, where have we landed? Is Pluto a planet anymore or not? It's just a celestial being or some body?

It's called a. Non-Newtonian.

No.

Something, something, something.

Nobody cares.

I've forgotten. But they now are in arguments about what constitutes a planet. Because it used to be that it has cleared its path, meaning there aren't any asteroids. Like, there aren't a whole bunch of asteroids. And so, like, that's why Pluto, Pluto's in the Kuiper Belt, I guess. And then another one was it has to have been It has to be... Well, I've forgotten all the other ones.

Look at that.

It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. It's a funny thing to even be an astrologist because if it's true that the universe is constantly expanding and it's almost unknowably big, it's funny to even start somewhere. It's funny they even named our solar system.

Yeah.

Like, what a Sisyphean thing to do where you're just like, oh, all right, let's just start naming these things. It's expanding forever and we'll never know it all, but let's start with Mercury. Shitty cars. Cool planet.

Have you been?

You good?

You just got back from three-week vacation. Is that true?

Three weeks? Well, yes. My parents, my papa finally retired after 50-something years of working a job that I wouldn't say he loved the whole way through. I would say he was medium on it for 54 years or 51 years, something like that.

Oh, my God.

So last summer or last, God, how long ago? Whenever it was six months ago when he was like, well, I'm finally doing, I'm finally retiring. It was kind of like, where have you always wanted to go? And he said, I've always wanted to see the Amalfi coast. So we went and, um, it was a wonderful experience. No major, you know, no setbacks. Nobody got, nobody lost their passport in the Mediterranean. It was just a wonderful, great bonding experience. And, um, You and I had talked about this before. I think maybe you and Lauren had gone on a trip. We flew through Paris. We flew through Charles de Gaulle. If you go to Italy and you're eating the food, we took a cooking class in Sorrento. It was incredible. We

were on a farm that grew everything. We made gnocchi and tiramisu, and it was a wonderful experience. And you're like, this food is the best, right?

When you're in Italy, you're like, this food is the best.

And then you get to France.

And then you go to France. And you're like, holy shit, I was eating dog.

Food the whole time. That's exactly how I felt. It's so crazy. It is no shots fired on Italians. None. The first two days you're in Italy and you're eating this tomato. And then you go to Paris.

It is amazing.

I understand why the rest of Europe hates Italy. france um but boy do they do almost everything right.

It's crazy i don't know how they do it i don't know how they do it it is insane the level the quality level and we were really just going around we.

Were we were in your we were in italy for like the majority of the time oh yeah we're just like this is the most amazing food i've ever had yes The fucking second we got to Nice, had our one meal, it was like, uh-oh, oh, shit.

Yep, that's right. uh it is it is confounding but it's also like how many pizzas i was talking to strawberry and i was like i don't think i need to eat pizza for two or three months because they knife and fork it there too so this isn't your fold it walk it new york slice where you're like grab it on the go boy that was delicious This is like you take your time and after you've had 20 pizzas in 12 days, you're like, I just never, ever want to eat this ever again. Anyways, everything was great.

And it is funny because you do eat a lot and you do lose weight, which is it does. It's the classic thing of like, okay, so when you're eating natural foods, your body.

And also, but you're also moving the whole time.

Oh, that's all.

You're not sitting and you're not working.

That's the big takeaway. Right? Well, I did write a movie while I was there. What? You did? I wrote a whole feature. I already sent it in. That's crazy.

I cannot believe how fast you work.

My parents would take a little siesta every afternoon like people of a certain age do. So a couple hours and I wasn't there. So I would go down to the hotel bar or the local cafe and write for two hours and it felt great. So yeah, I wrote a new horror feature and... It's a good one. I like it.

That's amazing. You are a writer.

You are a writer. I love it.

In the truest sense of the word. I do not know anyone like you.

Well, good.

I do not.

I'm hoping to stay employed forever. I don't.

You know who I think you must be like? You must be like these people who have two books a year come out.

Wow, yeah.

Do you know what I mean? Actually, I do believe you write way more than that. You probably write five times more than that. But if you were a novelist, you would.

Have like five books a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think so too, but I also... But that's like.

The only comparison I can imagine, you know?

But there's people way out of my league. Like Stephen King, the amount Stephen King writes. And then I read Ray Bradbury's On Writing or whatever it's called. that guy was just like King. He was like one day of not writing. I feel really upset. Two days. I'm at a complete loss. Like, I don't know who I am anymore. And like Ray Bradbury wouldn't go. So like, I'm able to put it away. Like, I think unlike those, like King writes what, like five books and nine novellas a year and one with his son and one with whoever. And you're like, uh, those guys are doing it. Cause they, cause they were addicts.

They were addicts who stopped doing drugs and started writing. I just, it's like going to the gym, I think. Like, I feel better writing. As soon as we get off today, I'm going to write two scenes.

No, look, there is no better feeling than having written. I think it's a Dorothy Parker quote.

Oh, that's true.

There is nothing worse than writing, and there is nothing better than having written.

I print my scripts still. Like, the one I finish, when I email it to myself, I send it to the producers or whatever, and then I print it, three-hole punch it, put brass brads in it, and look at it, and holding 110 pages... Is really a delight. Yeah, because it wasn't there before. It was a blank page before. Exactly.

No, I have... I do want to have, like, a little place for all... Even the scripts that didn't sell. Like, that I just have them all printed out and there. Because at some point, none of it will matter. Do you know what I mean? Like, you want to be able to physically point, like, look at that. I did all that. Especially shit like pilots and stuff that I've written that just were thrown in the trash.

Yeah.

You know, like I got paid for them and then they were thrown in the trash. I would like to be able to be like, they existed. So there was a physical thing.

There's this director producer, I won't name his name, but he's a very successful guy, especially in the nineties and early two thousands. And I had a meeting and hit it off with him, but in his waiting room. And so I worked in his office. He was like, you can use this and develop the show. I'll direct it. You, I was great. So he gave me a writer's room, basically.

But in his waiting room, he had a bowl, like a punch bowl-sized bowl, and he had printed every script he had ever directed, every episode of TV he had ever directed, and it was like maybe two inches big. So he shrunk them, punched holes in them, and he had a bowl of scripts that you could open them up.

They were smaller than a baseball card, like very small, like a matchbox-sized script.

Whoa, that's awesome.

I thought it was really cool. So one day, I was working with this great comedian named Dino Archie. I love that guy. And Dino and I were developing a show. And this dude that owned the business and the office and everything, super rich, successful guy, was like, Scotty, do you know the Japanese toilet I have? And I go, yes.

And he goes, can you walk out of it in five minutes? And I was like, yeah. OK, right at 2 PM? I was like, why? He goes, well, we have these investors who from China coming to invest in this company. And I want to show them. And so what he had built was an airplane bathroom in his work office that had a Japanese toilet, but it was basically designed like if you're on Air Japan, it looked like an airport bathroom. That was like his one signature thing.

An airplane bathroom?

Yeah, an airplane bathroom, but with a Japanese toilet. So like the remote control opens when you walk up to it, mist itself, plays music, has lights.

He wanted you to walk out to call attention to it.

Exactly. And so, but I didn't know that. There was this time 10 years ago, Kurt can vouch for me, where everybody was interested in Chinese film investment. So these Chinese investment companies would send like four people, almost like diplomats, over to just look at your facilities and see, are we going to make an unwatchable movie together?

Yeah.

For example, Matt Damon's The Great Wall comes to mind.

They made so many unwatchable movies.

Unwatchably bad movies. But also stuff like The Meg, where you're like, sure, Meg is so funny. Love it. Giant shark. Jason Statham. What's not to like? So I did. So I heard him greeting these Chinese investors. And I go in and I just wash my hands and I push the button and it makes the music and sprays air freshener and the seat goes... And I leave, and this dude goes, oh, hey, this is Scotty. He's a great writer. Oh, you guys got to come check this out. So he takes Chinese investors to go look at a Japanese toilet and Japanese bathroom and is like, yeah, I put this in.

And you could see they were like, we don't give a fuck. What you're showing us means nothing to us. We're not Japanese, for example. And so I was just a stooge in this ploy to impress people who, I don't know, I don't even know if they invested, but what a great experience to print all of that and then to force an unpaid employee to be a boob and walk out of a bathroom like, just blew it up in there. Take a look, guys.

Take a peek, folks.

Take a big old whiff. You don't smell anything. It's a Japanese toilet. It's Toto.

Are you ready to hear about it?

More than anything.

Here we go.

Love it.

Here we go. This was a New Hampshire man accused of stealing fire truck as crews battle fire at his home.

Fun.

This was in ABC4 News written by.

Where my hoes at?

WGME staff. Oh, yeah.

Hmm.

Dalton, New Hampshire. A New Hampshire man is facing multiple charges after police say he stole a fire truck while crews were trying to put out a fire at his home.

Smart.

Firefighters responded just before sunrise Tuesday morning in Dalton while crews were at the scene. Police say 30-year-old Nestor Roman drove away in a stolen fire truck. Investigators say Roman hit another fire truck. That was being used to fight the fire.

Yes.

Drove over hoses and narrowly missed three firefighters before hitting a wooden fence. Police say another homeowner later called to report that a fire truck had crashed onto their lawn.

Hilarious.

And that the suspect was trying to get into their home.

Not hilarious.

Dispatch got a call that he had stopped at a residence on Faraway Road. A couple of miles down the road, troopers were able to make contact with Mr.

Roman.

He was actually attempting to make entry into the back of that residence, New Hampshire State Police Lieutenant Christopher Ladd said. Roman was arrested after a struggle and faces several charges, I can imagine, including reckless conduct with a dangerous weapon and burglary. He is scheduled to be arraigned on Wednesday.

Roman's home, which was near the Vermont border, was destroyed in the fire.

No injuries were reported. Do you think he just really always wanted to drive a fire truck?

I really don't know. There's pictures of him. There's pictures of the fire truck he stole.

It's a big truck. Does he look sober?

He does not look sober.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. He looks like he's on almost everything you could possibly be on.

That's good. That must have been an exciting drive then.

I mean. It's an amazing series of choices to not only steal a fire truck that's trying to put out your house that's on fire, but then to also then just try and burglarize another house by driving a fire truck.

Into it yeah there is a show and I don't know the name of the comedian but it's happening soon I think it's at the Elysian I'm gonna go and it is a guy who's gonna play live musical score to footage of Los Angeles police chases you know because in LA they'll cut to KTLA or whatever and they just show drivers speeding away on any of our many, many highways. And people watch this on TV here. It's a known thing. And this guy's going to take famous ones and play live music over that footage.

Oh, that's exciting.

Great idea.

I hope the original music is.

Also, New Hampshire, not a very densely populated state. No. Not hard to chase a fire truck. Not hard to hide in a fire truck. Yeah.

It is also to hit a, to immediately hit another fire truck with the fire truck you just stole is, that's alarming as well.

I wonder what that sounds like. Those are two heavy vehicles. And then a wood, I like that they added that it was a wooden fence because it does paint the picture a little better. You're like, I'll just bust it right through. No problem.

But also, I wonder if the moment he stole the fire truck, they were like, all right, folks, let this one burn. Like, let's stop fighting this fire because he just stole our fire truck.

Yeah. Right? I would think so. I would, you know, what is it with like, fire trucks are great looking. They're beautiful machines. They have the swirling lights. They're always clean. There's all kinds of weird stuff hanging off of them. It's like when parents point out like, oh, look, a fire truck. I understand that. It feels like an impossibly magical vehicle. But at some point in your teenage years, you let that go. And you just go, that is just a fire truck. This guy never let it go.

Also, the amount that I would think as a child about the second driver, the second steering wheel in the back of a fire truck. I haven't thought about that second steering wheel, I think maybe in 35 years. I have not thought about it in a very long time until just now. But it was a constant kind of moment of things. I probably would think about it every day as a child.

Is that guy the best driver? Or is he the second best driver? Or is he the worst driver? I don't know that, actually. I mean, it's super when you see that. And for those that don't know what we're talking about, in major metropolitan areas in the United States, you have a fire truck. And in the front, somebody drives it. And there's a bunch of firemen in the front cab. Maybe a Dalmatian. Probably not. And then if it's a really long ladder company truck, there is a man.

Usually a man. Could be a woman. Usually a big guy. Fire person. Fire person. Sitting all the way at the back, up in the top. He has a full view in a little pod. It almost looks like the Popemobile. Looks like a Tic Tac box. And he has a big steering wheel. He or she has a big steering wheel too.

It seems like an overly large steering wheel. Is there a name for that man? I want to know. I'm honestly going to look it up. Is there a name for that thing? Is there a name for that man?

It's got like a back wheel. But anyways, that person, when they take a sharp corner in a small metropolitan area, the guy or gal in the back turns the wheel so that the back wheels on these long fire trucks also turn, making it easier to corner. And it When they're not steering, they're just sitting there like a lifeguard watching the waves in front of them. Here it is.

The firefighter who steers the rear wheels of a long tractor-drawn aerial ladder truck is called a tiller operator, tillerman, or tillerman. The tiller operator sits in a small rear cab, the tiller booth, to steer the back axles independently of the front. This rear steering... helps the massive 100-foot-plus vehicle navigate tight city corners, narrow streets, and heavy traffic safely.

The tiller operator talks to the main driver up front using a special intercom system during turns.

How special? You mean an intercom system, just like walkie-talkie, the thing that's existed forever? But yeah, it's cool. It does make a difference when you're a young person, you think about it all the time.

Yeah.

I wonder where they rank in the driving echelon of fire halls.

And do you have to have a CDL license to drive the tiller, to be the tillerman?

There was a car in the, I think it was a Honda Prelude. The back wheels would turn like 10 degrees so that you could. Yeah, there are some. And then there is a car that they turn a lot more, but I don't want to look it up because who gives a shit. But it is a thing where you're like, that seems like all cars should have back wheels that turn slightly after you turn the wheel. Just a little touch.

Just a little dab will do, yeah.

Give me another one, Scotty.

I got you, buddy. Jacqueline sent this in. You can send your stories to thebananaspodcast at gmail.com or on Instagram, thebananaspodcast. Just DM us, let us know. We also have a Patreon. You can DM us anytime you want on that. Join us at the Patreon, Bananas Patreon. It's wonderful. It's extraordinary.

Jacqueline sent this in. Jacqueline. To the Instagram. Your boyfriend might be too dumb for a good relationship. Vice.com. This is written by that swinging Vice staff. Nobody wanted credit for this one. Media missed in the biz. According to recent research, the smarter your boyfriend is, the better he will treat you. Who would have guessed? Not me, honestly.

Look at that.

A study published in the journal, Personality and Individual Differences. What a fun journal.

Personality and Individual Differences?

What a fun journal.

You know that there was a big contingent who were just like, it's just personality. And there was one guy who was like, and individual differences.

We get it, Waldo. You're your own man. Just walks in wearing a one-man band suit on rollerblades, walking in place. Yes, you're an individual. We see you.

Personality already includes your individual differences and individual differences.

I miss the days. My friends have sort of aged into relationships. But even eight years ago, my women friends would be like, Scotty, come over. We're going to go through dating apps. I'm going to play my iPhone on my Apple TV, and we're going to respond together. And it was the joy of my life to go on with my women friends on The Hinge and Bumble and Raya and be like, what do I say to this guy?

And all of us would look at the profile. And I'm a writer, so I would help them write dudes. bait responses uh-huh hasn't happened in a long time but those were great times everybody had individual differences and personality differences.

Um it is funny have you ever seen that instagram the ick uh i haven't okay so it's called the ick and you just watch it or maybe it's called submit your ick i don't know But it's just different people's saying like when they ended the relationship because of something the other person did. And the amount that people disagree in the comments is delightful. Everybody's, it's all so subjective.

I love it so much.

Anyway, go ahead. No, it's true. And there's a Sarah Kilmer sends me these and these videos that is a guy and he sings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It makes me laugh. And the guys put up hundreds of these videos where it's just the moment, the shoe drops is what it should be called, but golly day. In the journal, personality and individual differences found that men's general intelligence is associated with their partner-directed behaviors and heterosexual relationships. So this is for heterosexual relationships.

Okay.

Which I think does make a difference. The research analyzed data from over 200 heterosexual partnered men ages 18 to 65 years young to explore the associations between men's intelligence and how they show up in romantic relationships. For example, they analyzed, quote, partner direct... They analyzed, quote, partner directed insults.

They analyze partner directed insults.

Desire for power and intimate relationships and erectile dysfunction wow see i would think the dumber you are the better your ding dong works you're thinking that i think smart people overthink.

It uh-huh maybe.

Again, my women friends are like, hey, dating a guy's ding-dong didn't work. You almost want to be like, Rhodes Scholar? And they're like, why, yes. He wondered what it meant for us to have intercourse. The answer is, it's just a good time. There is a whole steady line. Have fun. Let it rip.

There's a whole steady line I'm remembering right now. It says, they were doctors and deep thinkers. They had such soft bodies made for lousy lovers.

Same thing. Yeah, really true. The results weren't shocking, but they highlighted the importance of both general and fluid intelligence within relationships. In the study, participants received a series of letters and numbers. They were asked to provide the next in the sequence. This is known as the letter and number series. And it's just one of many tests involved in the research. Results revealed that men's general intelligence, and in particular, their performance on the letter number series items.

What?

So the better they did was negatively, excuse me, the worse they did was negatively associated within a range of aversive partner-directed behaviors, including insult, sexual coercion, and cost-inflicting mate retention tactics. Cost-inflicting mate retention tactics. As well as several individual differences, including men's socio-sexual orientation, erectile dysfunction, and psychopathy. Wait, wait, wait.

Did you say that there was a range of individual differences?

Yes, there was. Several.

That's Gary in the back going, but what's the individual differences? Okay, we got the personality part. Remember what the name of this magazine is, folks.

It's crazy. Conversely, men's general intelligence was positively associated with their self-reported relationship investment. So the smarter they were, the more they were invested in the relationship. Those who were able to solve the letter and number series were said to have higher fluid intelligence, which is the ability to problem solve, adapt to new situations, and apply reason. Fluid intelligence predicted men's aversive partner-directed behaviors, the researchers wrote. Such behaviors included criticizing, threatening, blaming, name-calling, and other negative actions.

So the smarter you are, the less likely you were to do that. The higher the fluid intelligence, the less likely these behaviors seemed to occur. Sure. While these research hints are... Oh, man. This is a say test. Also, they only did 200 people.

That's only 200 people, one. And then two.

Too small.

Too small. And then two... I do feel like hyper-intelligent or more intelligent men would be bad partners in different ways.

Definitely.

They wouldn't be just bad partners. They're not going to be like, you dumb jerk. They're not just going to be name-calling. They're going to be doing more manipulative, dark, fucked-up things.

True.

And still be bad boyfriends.

Absolutely.

And I think that this is a dumb fucking test.

Yeah. So, yeah, I'll skip to the last one. The value of male intelligence and its impact on heterosexual romantic relationships certainly has its limitations. Literally what it says. So this research has its limitations. Straight up. But, dude, we have a lot of murder of animals. We have people that love true crime. Yeah. I go through phases where like two months a year, it's usually in the fall or spring. Maybe it's a Halloween thing. I don't know.

I'll watch everything that's on all the streamers. And boy, they have gotten so good at those three episode docs. And there's one called The Pastor's Wife that I just watched last night.

It's like number one on Netflix or something right now.

You probably saw this clip on socials. I didn't. So I just turned it on blind. I laughed. And I'm not exaggerating. The hardest I've laughed at one scene, maybe the hardest in like four years, I folded over laughing. Really? I was crying. There's a scene in episode one, and for those who have already watched it, they probably already know what I'm talking about, but one pastor's wife... has an affair and leaves him for another pastor. And they go to that first pastor and he's laying in the grass next to his Ford F-150 with the truck door open.

He's wearing sunglasses. This is a grown man. And he is like sobbing and has the highest pitched whiny baby voice I've ever heard in my life about his wife leaving him. It caught me so off guard. Also, these are people that every Sunday go, God has a plan. Trust in the Lord. And he is your shepherd and you are his sheep. This trust in the Lord.

You would think that that would give you some sort of.

Solace.

Condolence. If you have a relationship with, you believe in a higher power of your relationship and you go, oh, my partner left me, I'm going to pray and ask for understanding and forgiveness.

And also this must be God's plan for me.

This guy is on the ground going I want my wife back and I it caught me so off guard I literally folded over crying I sent clips of it to friends I was like and they were like I thought of you when I watched this so I encourage you Kurt if you're bored tonight watch the first episode I don't it's very good true crime worth a watch.

Speaking of but man it's funny Some docs. I mean, if you've seen, I'm sure you've seen the teaser for You Can See Everything.

Nathan Fielder.

Nathan Fielder on Elizabeth Holmes. Elizabeth Holmes. Oh my goodness. What a crazy teaser that is. If you haven't seen it, Nathan Fielder, who did Nathan For You, he was a comic and now he just does insanely strange, weird, beautiful things.

Yeah. I guess went and lived.

With elizabeth holmes for like the last 35 days before she went to prison right that's so crazy and the the clip is really amazing i'm excited to watch it and also i don't really love um nathan's like uh tv shows like i love i love him.

Yeah dumb starbucks was amazing Yeah, like Nathan, for you, I liked a little more than the last two. Me too.

Because the last two just feel like the tension and the line of making fun of them or not making fun of them is so blurry.

I agree.

But also, I didn't watch the one on the airplanes.

Well, I have been introduced to him on several occasions. And if you think the TV show is awkward and tense... Boy. It is wild.

We did this fucking, we did this show in London at the Soho Theater. And this was before Nathan, Nathan for you even, came out. Nathan was just, you know, an oddball comic at the time.

Yeah.

And it was me and Eugene Merman and John Benjamin, voice of Bob from Bob's Burgers.

Sure.

And then Nathan came one night to do a bit with John Benjamin. And then we were all going out, having a nice time, having a drink after the show. And John Benjamin and Nathan got into an argument.

Huh?

The argument was Nathan, you know, for many, many years was a magician.

Yes, still is. Yes.

The argument was John Benjamin said magic is dumb. And Nathan got incredibly insulted and mad. And then, I am not kidding you, they stood outside in London... weather it was not it was like raining out it was cold out they stood outside for three hours and we would just check in on them like every half hour and they were still like yelling at each other and john benjamin was.

Just like magic is dumb and nathan would get so mad and they were so angry with each other I was like, I cannot.

Believe that these two people exist. This is the least fun thing I could ever imagine doing with your time. It was a three-hour argument. And then after that, John Benjamin stole.

We walked into a hotel. Allegedly. Allegedly.

He stole a giant, like, brass weather vane, and we woke up, and it was in our living room, and then we had to go and return it to, like, the fancy four-star hotel that we were having a drink at.

Well, sounds like a perfect trip. That's like a dream trip. You know what it is? It's one of those things where if you know you're getting into it, like with a certain type of person, there's... I knew a guy in Brooklyn, same thing. He was... He just would sit there and he could sit there and just look at you and not say anything for as long as you can take it, he could take it. And if you know it going in, it gets easier because then you just sit in the awkwardness and then you're fine. But if you don't know it and you're like me, who just likes to become best friends with everybody as soon as they meet them, and then you it is it is an unstoppable machine hitting an immovable force or whatever

it is like I I've met him at Magic Castle once literally said are you performing tonight he said no and then we just stood there at the bar of the Magic Castle for 45 seconds before I just turned and walked away and i was like okay all right all right uh tease us into some thumbsies upsies oh yeah yeah yeah.

Yeah Here it is, I got a story for you. It's coming right at you. Don't look away.

I won't.

Mystery Man appears on 8,200 Michigan licenses after alleged printing error.

I want one so bad. If you have one, please mail it to the P.O. Box. Thumbs ups. Adam wants to give a big thumbs ups to his son. I believe it's pronounced Asa. And daughter, Audie, for successfully conquering the school bus on the first day of school. Audie was going to kindergarten, was a little nervous about riding on the bus and navigating. Of course, it's a very intimidating thing.

Yeah.

But her brother, Asa, was there to show her the ropes and navigate this whole new adventure together. Adam is so proud of both of his children for being so brave. Thumbs up to Asa and Audie for being brave. Brave and have a great school year, guys. You know, have fun. Learn, make friends.

Yeah, learn and make friends.

Our buddies, Julie and Don at Zephyr Ice in Portland, Maine, are sending a huge thumbs up to their friend and a guy I know, great comedian named Brendan Eyre. Brendan is a great friend. He is a great new dad to his daughter. And he has a new comedy special on YouTube. It is called Alive and Well. Brendan is so funny. A truly great comedian. He was on House Party Hawaii. And he crushed there. So if you need a new stand-up that you might not have heard of before and you know what YouTube.com is, go watch Alive and Well. And Brendan's last name is spelled E-Y-R-E.

Yes.

Great dude. Great comic. I mean, super great comic. And a Portland Mainer.

Nice, thumbs up.

Last but not least, Alyssa wants to thumb up her brother-in-law who made a movie review website called Bananas Ratings. It has nothing to do with the podcast, but we support it all the way. Okay. It is for movies, basically scenes, moments, absolutely insane things in movies that make you say, that's bananas. Alyssa says it's extremely hard to get the coveted five banana rating, which would be a truly off-the-wall wacky movie. But if you like... wacky, weird, silly, funny, crazy bananas movies, you can go to Bananas Ratings on Instagram and follow. That's great. I love that so much.

Or go to the website, Bananas Ratings. Yeah, it's like the silly rotten tomatoes, which I'm all about.

That's wonderful. It also is very close to a website we had for a long time, which was Rate Bananas. Because if you would love to go and rate and review us on Apple, it would really help us.

Five stars on Apple, wherever you get your podcasts. Spotify, we don't care. Amazon, iHeart, best place to get it. But yes, five-star reviews help the banana boys so very much. I was talking to the director and friend, Josh Rubin, really funny guy. And I go, do you do a lot of podcasts? He goes, if somebody asks me to do a podcast, I look them up on Apple. And if they have more than 2,000 reviews, I do their podcast.

Look at that.

So it actually matters not just for sponsorships, but also for getting great guests. So please... We appreciate it.

We really, really do. Mystery Man appears on 8,200 Michigan licenses after alleged printing error. This was sent in by Copy Haste. Thank you, Copy Haste.

Thank you.

I will say this about it. Please do. It's on WTOL 11.

One of the best 11s.

Written by Michael Martin.

Ooh, Michael Martin, Murphy. Best in the biz. Wildfire.

Lansing, Michigan. When Laura Walker opened her new Michigan driver's license, someone else appeared to be staring back at her.

Hilarious.

Walker had recently moved and applied for an updated license showing her new address. Instead, the card arrived with a mystery man's photo and an incorrect birth date in the bottom right corner. Quote, I thought maybe two had got stuck together, Walker said. Maybe they had my license with someone else's picture and birth date. I love that she came up with an idea for it.

Optimist.

That they got stuck together.

Shit happens, man.

I don't even understand how, what she's taught, like what's the theory behind it. But the back of the card was also wrong, displaying generic placeholders instead of Walker's information. Quote, my friends and family, we all had a good laugh at her, she said. But at the end of the day, it's a crucial mistake. The Michigan Secretary of State's office says Walker was one of approximately 8,200 people.

So many.

That is so many who received misprinted enhanced driver's license or state IDs. You would think, and this is like an enhanced, this is, you would think that there would be one check On 8,200. One person would just be like, let's just look. Let's just look.

For a legal document? For a legal document?

Let's make sure it's not one guy's picture.

Again, if you got one of these, mail me one. PO Box 39348, Los Angeles, California, 90039. If you got one of these 8,000, please mail it to me. I will frame it. I need to have it.

I saw a little image of it, and I do think, ah, what is happening?

What isn't happening?

I've got a video starting somewhere.

That's okay. Shut up. This is live to tape, guys. So this is just how real we get on bananas. A lot of podcasts are fake. They edit. Not the banana boys. We're real.

We are real.

We're real guys that make big, dumb mistakes all the time. And ain't that just life?

Let's see.

Okay, here it is.

The cards all displayed the same stock photo and generic birth date, not another Michigan resident's personal information. Oh, it was a stock photo. The state blamed Idemia, its third-party printing vendor, and said the error was limited to cards printed August 26th. Corrected cards have already been mailed and affected residents do not need to request replacements. Walker can continue using her previous unexpired license while she waits, although it shows her former address. Anyone affected can also print a temporary license online.

What?

Or visit a Secretary of State office to obtain one. There it is.

That's pretty cool. I do want one. And if you have one or you know somebody that does and they mail it to me, I will, in exchange, mail them a bag of Kentucky Fried Chicken jelly beans. KFC sent us jelly beans.

What?

KFC did? They taste like chicken biscuits. And mashed potatoes, I have a bag. The expiration is not for next year, 2027. So I will do a straight up jelly beans for license mistake trade. Guys.

Did we do a story on that?

I don't think we did, but maybe we posted one on the Instagram, but they sent us two bags and I ate one on the Patreon and they taste food science, Kurt.

It's the science of the future today. I, dude, I started writing a, A pilot for just a bunch of people who work at a food science laboratory together.

I like that.

Ahead of its time. Ahead of its time. 15 years ago.

Maybe go back and revisit it, because I think we're in the age of every soda now, there's zero everything, and you taste them all, and you're like, this does taste exactly the same as the one with sugar. Exactly the same.

100%.

I agree.

That's food science.

That's food science for you, folks.

I'll send this out. Yeah, I'll send this out with food science. Hannah Elliott sent this in. Hannah will do it on the next episode. The peanut butter smearer strikes at a Kentucky fair. Several homes raises safety concerns.

You got to listen to the next episode to find out who the peanut butter smearer is.

Damn right. Love the Bananimals. You guys are the best in biz. Thanks, everybody. Exactly right. Thanks to Katie Levine, our wonderful producer and engineer. Thank you, Curdy B.

Thank you, Scotty Landis.

Bananas podcast.

Bananas. Bananas.

Bananas.

Bananas is an Exactly Right Media production.

Our producer and engineer is Katie Levine.

The Catchy Bananas theme song was composed and performed by Kay Han.

Artwork for Bananas was designed by Travis Millard.

And our benevolent overlords are the great Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstart.

And Lisa Maggett is our full human, not a robot, part-time employee.

You can listen to Bananas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And please feel free to rate and review as many times as you can. We love those five stars.

Bananas!

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