Spider Sex and Bubbles

Scott, are you ready? Could it be? I'm ready to luff and luff and luff.

Here it is. This tarantula was going to die a virgin. His owner turned to Reddit to hook him up. Ooh.

I don't know the Shakespeare quote about a twisted web we weave. I tried to pull it out, and I don't know it. Something about something to deceive. So we're just going to admit who we are. Dumb boys that love having fun. Bananas.

If I said something that put your world on its head, would you believe me? If I did blow your mind to a zillion pieces, would you believe me? Driving me bananas, baby, bananas, banana, nana.

Driving me bananas, baby, bananas, Guys, gals, non-binary pals, welcome to Bananas. That, sitting across from me, is award-winning, best of the biz, screenwriter extraordinaire, Scotty Landis.

It's funny you said that. And over there, the one and only, road-dogging at the moment. I can tell he's in a hotel room right now, headlining comic. You could see his specials all over the place. Just go on your TV and say, Kurt Brown Oler specials, and then just loft your ass off for hours. Kurt Brown Oler.

How are you?

Good. I just want to welcome everybody. You know, we're a very accepting podcast. We don't care what you look like. We don't care who you're boinking or who you're doinking. As long as you're having fun and being nice to people, you're welcome to hang with the Banana Boys, including Kurt.

Yes.

The good and decent people of Steel City, Nebraska. Population, 47. That's the lowest yet. I think that's the lowest yet, including Bananimal Zoe's mom, Heather Keating. Heather Keating, we're going to make a Bananimal of you yet. But shout out to all the people in Steel City, Nebraska. You're officially on the map.

Oh, my God. That's amazing.

47.

That means you are fully aware of every single person who lives in your town.

Yes.

You know their name.

I know. It's funny. I know all my neighbor's dog's names, and I only know 10 of their real names. I know 100 dog names on my street. They don't know my name. They just say, hey, Chauncey. And I'm like, hey, how are you? New solar panels look nice. It's the best. But that's probably 47 neighbors, and I need to do better.

I need to be like the good people in Steel City, Nebraska.

Scotty, I mean, I can't, I've never heard you say you need to be better at remembering people's names.

That's true.

You are a hero and a genius at remembering people's names. It is shocking to me on all levels at all times.

I made direct eye contact the other night. I went to El Cholo. It's one of the oldest Mexican restaurants in LA. It's just great. They have a giant fish tank behind the bar, so I'm already on board.

It's awesome.

It's so big. It's humongous. So go to El Cholo for the first time. I make direct eye contact with this dude I've known for, oh, God, 14 years. He looks at me, doesn't recognize. I haven't seen him in person in probably seven years. And he is an agent, not with me. I've never worked with him at my agency.

But he just proceeded. I think he was on a date. I knew exactly who he was. He didn't remember who I was. And I just listened to him steamroll this poor woman, never let her talk, never asked her a question, just... No.

Classic? Like, classic bad behavior. That has been talked about for ages. It's so crazy that men have not realized that simple thing.

To ask... Well, it's almost a cliche. It's almost airplane food for stand-ups. I've noticed so many comics are like– especially women comics are like, but he asked me a question, which is a big deal, and it always gets a laugh. And you're like, man, you dorks can't even ask five questions and actually pay attention to the answer and follow up.

It's rough out there is what I'm hearing. But anyways, it was so fun spying on somebody that didn't recognize me that I recognized because they were– He was directly next to me. And I was like, this punk. This POS.

What agency? Can you feel comfortable saying what agency?

WME. I don't care. He doesn't remember me. He's a total loser.

I just got back from doing their morning news program here in Portland. And they are so wonderful that they've had me on like every single time I've come to Portland since I was like, Like 2013 when I was like my first time coming here.

Sure.

And they had me on. And the amount of hawks that I've been able to like touch.

You've touched a lot of hawks.

There's always an animal person on after me.

Oh, the best.

And so it's the best. It's just the best. And I think I have a picture of one where I'm like with a hawk in the picture. But today the woman was, she was a cheetah person who runs like a cheetah sanctuary in Namibia.

Okay.

And I was like, you need to, because she was talking all about it and everything, and she's awesome. And I was like, you need to come on Bananas, and she's like, she gave me your card, so we're going to have her on Bananas. It's going to be awesome.

I think, now, this is an educational podcast, so we'll ask this person when she comes on. I'm pretty sure cheetahs have never attacked and killed a human before.

Cheetahs, she said that cheetahs are one of the only big cats that prefer to flight instead of fight. They can do both, but they flight. And also, it's the only big cat that doesn't roar.

It chirps.

Like a bird, it chirps. That's cool. And it is also the only big cat that purrs.

I mean, you've already learned so much. I don't know if we need to have our own anymore. Apparently, we know everything about cheetahs. Also, when you go to the San Diego Zoo and they just have that golden retriever that lives with the cheetahs, like the comfort dog, it's the best. It's the best. If I get reincarnated, I hope I'm a golden retriever comfort dog for cheetahs in a really nice zoo.

Yeah, I think there's one. It's totally true. In South Orange, or West Orange, I guess, right next to my house is the Essex County Turtleback Zoo. And they have a cheetah, and it hangs out with a golden retriever. And they have them just both hanging out together all the time.

What a cool life. What a cool life. Oh, yeah.

Also, Chicago. Come on. Listen up. Chicago, October 15th, I'm there. I'm at Color Lab.

There's two shows.

Come on out, and let's hang out. I will agree to Malort. I will agree to as much Malort as you want me to. And Rumpelmints, okay?

Okay.

I'm making this here. If you come to the show on October 15th, Malort can have its way with me. That's what I'm putting out there.

Okay. I like where we're going with that. I don't mind Malort at all. We've done it on almost every show. I don't look forward to it, but I don't care about it.

It's so upsetting.

It's upsetting.

I do. I find it upsetting. The aftertaste is that of Like an old drawer filled with someone ashed in in 1998 and then kept a sock in. I feel like a dirty sock. That's what I feel like the aftertaste is in my mouth, and I hate it so deeply.

We have a banana coming to your Portland show tonight that is bringing shoes for you and me. She asked for our shoe size. Sorry, I couldn't come up there and hang on. No. I guessed what your shoe size was, and I think I was right. What did you guess? Ten and a half.

Ten.

Okay, that's fine. You can fit. Anybody can fit a ten and a half if they're a ten. Half size these days, that's all willy-nilly. Well, if they're walking shoes, you know, like, you always should get a half size. I don't know what they are. They could also be wooden clogs, which would also be great. We're grateful for everything people bring. Don't bring big fluid things to live shows.

We can't fly with fluids. But if you make beautiful paintings... We've got so many nice portraits and paintings. My office is so much bananimal art, it's great. I have a whole corner that's just cross-stitching and painting from bananimals. But no fluids, no malort. We can't travel with it. The TSA is against us having it. Nothing alive either. And if you ever want to mail, we're huge on the USPS here. We love the mail. If you ever want to send the Banana Boys literally anything or nothing, you can send us An empty envelope, just wanted to send a stamp. You could send it to Bananas Podcast, P.O.

Box 39348, Los Angeles, California, 90039. I'm the only person who has a key, so we're not going to have like randos that my proofreader or my friends, just me, just me. And I send Kurt whatever mail needs to get to him about once a month. It's very fun for me. Support the USPS. Support the USPS, guys. I just got some Mr. Rogers stamps. Just fantastic.

I want to shout out last night the banana animal who brought me broken guitar strings from a pavement show in 2023. What? And had a very nice card in it as well. I'm looking at it right now.

Wow. How cool.

What a delightful thing to get. She said it wasn't Dinosaur Jr. But it is Pavement, which was great. Yeah, Portland, guys. I mean, Jesus. I remember why I recorded my first album here and my first special here. Portland gets me in a way that I feel like no other city gets me, and I get it. Like, I love this city so much. Today, so my, like, schedule got all screwed up. Supposed to do five shows, you know, like one Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. And then there was a whole snafu. And then they were like, how about you just do two shows? And I was like, don't mind if I do. And so I did a show last night. And then I have today off. I have not had a day off.

Whoa.

In so long, especially in a city, usually I'm always doing two shows that night.

Right.

You could just go to dinner. Oh, dude, another delightful bananimal sent me, I want to thank Andrea for sending me a word that it's wing week in Portland today.

It's wing week.

It's wing week, so I might actually go and eat. A bunch of wings. It's like all day. Ride a bike and eat wings and have the best day ever. And then go to bed at 8.30 p.m.

I saw, I went to the Alibi and I saw karaoke at the bar of the Alibi. This is about 15 years ago. I just walked over there. Nice cold night around Christmas. My sister used to live in Portland. So walk over. Go and never been in there. It's a big tiki bar. The name alone, I was like, I'm in. And go to the back. And they had live band karaoke. And Portland is just great. Because everybody sung songs I didn't see coming. And not obscure songs.

They just sung songs. Somebody sung Easy Lover by Phil Collins. If you had said, is somebody going to sing Easy Lover by Phil Collins in Portland? I'd be like, nah, probably not. I would have said, yeah, a pavement or just something obscure. Just something that people are like, oh, this was the first band that was all made up of wooden piccolos. And this guy would play it with his bicycle. You go, yeah, that makes sense. He has a bike pump and he blows piccolos.

Nope.

And that guy, I still think about just the band, the drummer had like chimes. And at the beginning of that song, there's sort of a chimey thing. And I'm like, oh, this is so good.

It's such a funny song to choose.

I know. It's a great song. Also, high registry. I don't think our voices would get there, I think.

My voice doesn't get anywhere. I've now come to the conclusion that I don't want to do karaoke anymore because it hurts people's ears. It's never fun to look out and have people be kind of upset by the noises that you're making. And I get the experience of being on stage and doing things. So I don't need to do karaoke ever again, I feel like. And that's okay with me.

You stretch those muscles on stage as a stand-up. I am such a writer. I have a heart. Like, I will go. I'm never going to say your hobby's stupid. But if you invite me to karaoke, I'm going to get there a little early. I'm going to have a beverage before anybody else gets there just to make me settle in. And I'm not going to sing. I will lightly pat my thigh as I watch you sing the song you've clearly rehearsed many times, including probably on the drive over. I don't enjoy it. I feel like it's just not for writers.

Yeah, no, I completely understand that. And also, I'm not against, I love music and I love singing along to music normally. It's just that people who are really into karaoke, they're always like, hey, it's not about being perfect at singing. And they always say that to you and you're like, get up there. Nobody cares. Everybody's doing it badly. And it's like, yeah, but there's levels of doing it badly.

And when someone gets up there and really eats shit like me, ooh, ooh, I don't feel good about it. I feel bad after I get off. And I'm like, I'm not here at the party to feel bad about myself. Yeah.

Don't do Eminem's Lose Yourself. The number of times I've seen somebody get up there and everybody cheers at the beginning because they're like, you only had one shot. And then they start rapping and then people go, oh God, I think there's like six verses to this song. It's so, so long. Karaoke, there should be a group button or tomatoes that everybody, if the majority votes move on, it should just slowly fade the song down and slowly raise fake applause up.

Yeah. Are you ready?

I love it.

This was in Denverite.

Sure.

Yeah.

Why not?

This was sent in by Liz H. And this Liz H.

Love that Liz H.

This was her very first thing she's ever sent in.

Wow.

Can you believe that?

No.

Nailed it on the first try.

10 out of 10. That's a Liz H. send.

Denverite. It's written by Paolo Ziacchita. Thank you, Paolo. A lot of people say the Mayhor in the business.

Okay. Yeah, Mayhor in the business.

Oh, my God. Why is this another name? Asmodeus Foley's days are numbered.

Yes.

Before he molts from his mortal arachnid coil, his owner wants him to fulfill life's primary biological function. God damn it, Paolo. Right off the bat. Nailing this.

Yeah.

Taylor Foley, an experienced spider owner, an experienced spider owner.

Who's had more than one.

Adopted Asmodeus, a Costa Rican zebra tarantula in January 2023. Initially, she thought Asmodeus was a female, which would mean a lifespan between 20 and 30 years. Jesus Christ. Did you know that?

I did not know that. 20? But it is an educational podcast. I didn't know that.

And 30 years for this spider? I mean, I'm doing this because you just saw your first live spider out, or a tarantula out in a while.

Yeah, tarantula this season. Yeah, I only saw one so far. But yes, it is tarantula season out here, apparently. So whatever that means, hooray.

But a recent molt, when spiders shed their skin, revealed that Asmodeus was, in fact, a male. A Costa Rican zebra tarantula's final molt is almost like puberty. When an itsy bitsy spider becomes a man. I mean, if he becomes a man, that's going to be amazing.

Wow.

When they molt for the last time and shed their skin, they get these structures on their front legs called tibial hooks. And these hooks are really apparent and they're what they use to hold the female fangs out of the way so they can mate. Wowie wowie.

Wowie wowie.

As Modius's molt also meant his lifespan was far shorter than fully expected. Male Costa Rican zebra tarantulas can live from five to six years.

Speaking, okay. That's more reasonable.

Five to six years, 100% reasonable for a spider. 20 to 30 is ludicrous.

What a burden.

Sounds like, I don't know, that sounds interminable. To be that small and live 30 years? That's like living 300 years as a human.

Agreed.

Do you know, Scotty, we should do a whole story about this, but I'm just going to get into it. The lantern fish, that fish that holds the lantern over its face that lives in the deep, deep ocean. Classic. My God. I had no idea. So that's the female. The female is that big thing. And it's like, it's big.

It's like, you know, bigger than your head. Okay. The male, I heard, again, this is from Terrestrials. I get so much information from Terrestrials. It's Radiolab for kids. If you have kids, listen to Terrestrials.

It's awesome. It's out of this world.

The male species, the male of the species is like two inches long.

Okay. Oh, cool.

And he comes up to this big fucking fanged monster that lives in the deep. And the way it does its thing is it has suckers on its mouth. And it suckers on to the female. And then... Like it deposits its egg or like its sperm through its mouth into the female. And then the female holds on to the sperm because multiple males might try and do this to her.

She's good looking. I get it.

And she holds on to it and then selects, like purposefully selects which sperm to use for which eggs. And then the male never leaves her. It excretes this stuff in its mouth so that it starts to form as part of the female. And so then she just has this little two-inch male who's now part of her body.

And it's still there. It's still alive. And their internal organs connect. up with the female's internal organs so it just lives attached to the female that it gave its sperm to and they can have multiple males attached to them isn't that fucking crazy.

I know a couple of people couples like that right now i know you live in la long enough i I know a few people that operate exactly like that. He's gone and she's promoted.

Straight up.

I didn't know that. Yeah.

And so they lose, the males essentially just become the female. They like, they lose their own, there's no anything they have anymore. They're just a body appendage. So crazy.

I'm so pro-ocean, it's crazy. I love every time they go... They said they don't even know exactly how deep the deepest part of the ocean is.

I just saw that. I just saw that. It's like, we don't even know how deep the deepest part of the ocean is?

I volunteer, by the way. If you want to put a total layperson in a sub that you control on the surface, I will be... I'll go down. I will do it. All I ask is that I'm allowed to dress like a banana and... And pretend to be asleep whenever you ask me questions. So I would love to participate. I don't know if it's Ocean Gate. I'm not doing it.

But if James Cameron's involved, you can send me to the very bottom. And I'll do bits. I'll have like a disposable camera that I'll crank sometimes when like something swims by and I'll flash and then I'll pretend it was too bright in my eyes. I'll talk too close to the microphone.

And then all the photos are just a flash around the window.

Yeah. I'll do a sub stack. Apparently everybody has to have a sub stack now. It's true. I don't know. Are you here? Hustle up. Hustle.

Since then. Foley said Asmodeus has seemed restless in his terrarium, looking for a mate that wasn't there. Foley couldn't bear to see her tarantula fall into a deep, horny ennui. I thought that it would be, I don't know, nice for him to do something, fulfill the biological imperative or whatnot, she said. So she turned to Reddit. Finding a mate for Asmodeus took some work. To help, Foley made a Reddit post titled, Mature male, a fo- a- a- a- Afonopolema simani tarantula seeking hot spider date near him, which quickly blew up. He loves piña coladas, crickets, long walks on the beach, hiding in his burrow, and being mysterious, also hiding in his burrow. Taylor's very funny. She's a funny lady.

Not surprised.

Thanks to the post, Asmodeus has a date. On Thursday, Foley will be taking him to Broomfield to meet a hot single spider for a week's long date. Asmodeus will stay with a breeder at Wild West Inverts for a few weeks to get to know his potential mate before they potentially do the deed. I like that. I like that.

That with spiders, it seems to be more... more civilized than, like, dogs.

Or guinea pigs. That famous one brandy that broke out and impregnated a thousand guinea pigs or whatever. Yeah, we... Spiders, they're not going anywhere.

Yeah, they're getting to know each other first. Here it is.

Yeah, they're doing a little dance.

This is an interesting pull quote. Tarantula sex is metal and Osmodeus is ready for it.

That's a pull quote.

Once a male tarantula is ready to mate, he will excrete semen and store it in a little packet that's kept on his fangs. When a suitable mate is found, the male tarantula will insert the packet into an opening in the female's abdomen called the opisothosoma.

Oh, of course. Rolls right off the tongue.

And that's the birds and the bees. Afterwards, Asmodeus will return to live the rest of his days with Foley as long as one vital thing doesn't happen. There is a really small but not zero chance that the female spider could eat Asmodeus after they mate. As long as the female isn't hungry after they do it, it should be fine, Foley said. It could take a few weeks or even months for Asmodeus' mate to lay an egg sack.

Once those hatch, he could father hundreds of babies. I don't want to think about it. I really don't need hundreds of tarantulas. I wouldn't know what to do with them, Foley said. So then I'll get a couple of them, and the rest will be sold to different shops or breeders or individuals.

There it is.

That's what's up.

Wow.

That's pretty cool.

Very cool. That's what's up.

Very cool. That's what's up. I told that one. We didn't release that one. No, we did not. That's a good live show one. Very cool. That's what's up. Wow. That's... It's moments like that where I go, maybe the internet wasn't a huge mistake. Right. It connected two like-minded people and got two spiders to possibly eat each other or start a family.

And also, we would not have known any of these pieces of information, right? That the female tarantula lives 30 years?

Look at that.

Good job, internet.

It's interesting to even, like, Own a pet store. It's a strange... Uh-huh. To work at a pet store, totally get it. You love animals, you need a job.

Yep.

To own one is a crazy thing. And all the... When I had pets, you know, when I was a young person and had lizards and fish and birds, I can remember getting old enough where they would, like, talk to me, be like, oh.

What do you have?

Oh, that's so cool.

Yeah.

I also do woodwork. Like, there's a place called the Green Iguana that's no longer there. Great place. But the guy was also a woodworker and he would build, like, aquarium tank stands. Uh-huh. We got one, of course. He had mismeasured a thing, so he gave it to us for free. Oh, grace. But they're all like, I don't know.

To think of animals as retail is crazy.

And to purchase them? Crazy.

It's 100%.

It's a living, breathing animal, and you're like, that's $ 25. And that one, a little uglier, it's $ 22.

Oh, dude. When I was first in Brooklyn, so starved for nature. By the time you stop living in New York, you have so many houseplants, it's preposterous.

Yeah.

I had them hanging from my shower rod. So it was like five gold pothos instead of a shower curtain. I was like, I'll just step through the foliage. But I found a pet store deep Brooklyn. I had no money. And I was like, I'll take the subway out and explore Sheepshead Bay or wherever. And I'm walking around. I go in this pet store. I was like, oh, maybe I'll get a finch. Those are sort of beautiful. And I'll just let it live in the apartment. I'll just get trees and not have a cage.

Wild choice.

OK.

OK. And so I walk in, and they're the loudest finches you've ever heard in your life.

Yeah.

And the guy's like, these are $ 14.

99.

I was like, are they always this loud? He goes, well, we have quiet ones. Yeah, right. Like, how much are those? He's like, $ 89. 99 a bird. Yeah, they have quieter breeds. And so it's like, for $ 100, you can get a quiet bird. Or for what you have in your pocket right now, you can get just a screech machine that That will fly into your windows and you'll feel horrible for the rest of your life. So I left empty handed that day and said, I'll just feed pigeons, chicken wings, like a normal New Yorker.

Being a pet shop owner. This is, I'll tell you this, this happened to me. Um, uh, I was signing up for my chart, you know, my chart.

I do. I have a, my chart.

Yeah.

And I'll sign up for my charts. I was switching doctors and it's pretty, you know, it's got to give them a lot of information. One of them was occupation.

Yep.

And so I'm like, and it's dropped down menu and I go through the occupation and Speaking of pet shop owner. And I'm like, let's see, does comedian exist? No, of course comedian doesn't exist. It rarely does. So then I look down, writer. Nope, writer doesn't exist.

Okay.

I look for actor. Actor doesn't exist. I'm like, okay. Then I look for entertainment industry. Entertainment industry doesn't exist. Then I look for media professional. Media professional doesn't exist. And at this point, I'm like pissed off. And I'm just like, all right, let's go and look at what these jobs are. So I went to the top, started on the way down. First job, accountant. Classic. Classic job.

Real job.

Swear to God. Swear to God, Scotty. Second job, arms dealer. Right up. It goes accountant. Arms dealer. Next one, arcade owner. Okay?

Big three.

And then ATM owner. And then also tobacco dealer was another one. Gems dealer was another one. And they didn't have actor or writer.

Wow. I guess, but what you're listing, I'm like, I could see why insurance companies would be like, do not deal with these people. They are going to get blown up. They're going to get robbed for their gems and quarters. This is crazy.

Isn't that crazy, dude? It was really wild.

I know. I just lost my doctor like six months ago because she's like, I'm going concierge, but I'd love for you to join. I was like, God. But I was like, all right. Our system is so broken.

I know.

And it was already like a little bit concierge. It was already like, hey, I have a small network. It's this much a year, but it was so affordable. It was like, oh, you're worth it. Had her for five years. Thankfully, I did every test somebody my age can do.

Yeah, he got multiple prostate exams, guys.

Yeah, I kept going back. And not even at the office. So she was like, yeah, I'll send you the literature. Here's the name of the company or whatever. I get the website. And I think, if I read it right, that it was $ 140, 000 a year. Are you joking? Smoking?

Yeah.

Not like... Not.

Not seven.

20,000 or 10,000.

Uh....

I think it was like $ 140, 000 a year to have. And they're like 24 hour texting. Right. But I was like, there we go. There we go. You still have to pay for visits, but it's just like, you can have everything handled by our company. We have specialists in every field. And I was like, oh, here we go. And also, she knew she was going to make enough where she left.

So there's extremely wealthy people in Beverly Hills and Brentwood and stuff. So people are probably paying it. But I was like, what?

That's so crazy, man.

I'll just die. I'd prefer. I mean, that's crazy.

But also, $ 120, 000 a year. And then, of course, when you pay that much, you expect a level of service that is Looney Tunes, right?

Yeah.

Like, you're already a doctor. You already drive a Porsche. Do you know what I mean? Like, I don't understand why so many doctors drive Porsches.

Well, it's the worst car, too.

Also, and it's like, and they drive, they always have like a really expensive car. And I'm like, this is a bad look. It's a bad look to have a doctor drive a fancy car because you want your doctor to have gotten into this to save lives and to help people. Not because they want a fucking Ferrari. But then you go to a hospital and it's like all of the parking spaces right next to the hospital are like Ferrari, Lamborghini, Porsche. And it's just like, bad look, guys.

Bad look.

I know. And I'm sure they're getting screwed by insurance. I'm sure nobody's winning. I'm sure we're all losing.

Well, they're winning enough to have a fucking Porsche.

I agree with that. As a former valet, the worst tippers were Porsche drivers and Subaru drivers.

Whoa.

Interesting.

Consistently terrible. Interesting. And it was like, I don't know why, but I recall it well. And I hope they all learn that a dollar is not enough to park your $ 160, 000 Porsche. Unless you want us to fart in it and change the radio station. Alita Holmes.

Yes.

Who we just love. We just love Alita. Alita. You love Alita Holmes. We all do. And any coworkers that don't, we prefer her over you. This was on France24. com. Coming to you 24 months a year, 24 minutes a day. Oh, this is written by the swinging France24. com staff, so you know this story's important.

Mm-hmm.

Finally, some good news about climate change, Kurt. France's record heat wave has pushed champagne alcohol levels to historic highs.

What do you mean?

Great question. Drinking this year's champagne might give you a heftier headache as France's record heat waves are forcing some producers to up the alcohol levels, industry officials said on Wednesday.

Okay.

French authorities have allowed champagne houses to make their bubbly with an alcohol content of 15%. Well, okay. Pretty high. No, I'm glistening. Historic first for wine that's usually limited to 13%.

Ooh, get that two extra percent, folks.

Get that Michelob Ultra and that wine.

Is this why? Is it because we were talking about it the other day, like why the French food is so good is because it's just so highly regulated?

Maybe, maybe. Also, we were on the Daily Zeitgeist a couple weeks ago. Thanks to those guys for having us. We had a lovely time, and we talked about champagne on that one, too. Kurt and I are not very big fans of champagne, is the headline. It's true. We think it doesn't especially taste great, even the really expensive stuff.

You're like, okay.

I'm going to have a Prosecco if I'm going to have a bubbly.

My buddy Ed, you know Ed, Ed Hansen, the greatest, had me over last night. And he was like, have you ever seen The Real Housewives of Melbourne? I go, of course not. It was on in 2014, by the way. This isn't fresh on the air. He goes, you have to watch the first episode. I said, of course. I've never.

I can't imagine. They call champagne over there French champagne. I was laughing so hard. They're like, and Andrea's having a party, and there's going to be French champagne.

Oh, my god.

I love that. And then they were like, honey, should we open another bottle of French champagne? And I'm like, this is so good. I like adding words to descriptions. It's something I do naturally because I think it's silly. But I love, like, French champagne. It's just so Australian.

It reminds me of that. It reminds me of the Marlon Brando commercial. Where he's like, the French champagne is the greatest.

It was like Ballantines. That one is so classic. And it is original.

It's aged in the bottle.

What a weird life that guy had. Anyways, growers.

What a crazy life that guy had.

Crazy life to start that hot and then just end drunk. Just a high society drunk doing Ballantyne beer commercials and weird champagne commercials. So crazy. What a guy. Orson Welles is who we're talking about.

We're not, oh, it's Orson Welles. It's not, my God, it's Orson Welles. That's crazy.

If you've ever, yeah.

He definitely doesn't seem like he knows where he is.

No, it's fantastic. Growers had to harvest exceptionally early this year as extreme heat sped up sugar buildup. So they basically picked grapes faster.

Oh, okay, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And hence, natural alcohol production in the grapes, according to the Committee Champagne Industry Association, Nonetheless, the crop has all the hallmarks of producing great, perhaps even exceptional wines this year, the group said. All right.

I think they're lying to.

Us, but okay. I think so, too.

I don't think extreme heat is.

What you want for your grapes.

I don't know much about the wine, but I think a cooler temperature is probably better.

Who knows? We don't know. Authorities have also allowed a temporary easing of the strict rules of making several types of cheese after heat waves scorched grazing pastures.

Jesus Christ.

I have some advice. I'll say it at the end. France is the world's second largest wine producer after Italy, educational, and the summer's heat and drought have deepened fears for many growers about how they will cope with climate change.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's happening everywhere, guys.

Mm-hmm.

It's happening everywhere. The 2026 harvest was the earliest ever recorded in the Champagne region, with the first grapes cut as early as August 6th. My word, that is early. And harvests becoming widespread on August 17th, two weeks earlier than 2025, which was already considered early.

Okay.

Due to climate change, quote, the unusual harvest will probably become the norm in 10 to 15 years, or this year.

Or this year. Or next year.

We just got to stop pretending. Just....

We don't know anymore. We don't know anymore. And you know who doesn't know a lot? Is the meteorologists on the East Coast. I'll tell you, since I've moved back, every day I'm just like, this is what they say, and then the day is nothing like what they've said every single day.

You could tell when people are from the East Coast, and probably the Midwest too, but I've noticed, like, I'll go hang out with a West Coast friend and they'll pop the trunk on their car. And they won't have, like, a light jacket or anything, really, in the back. A change of shoes. Like, they won't have anything in their trunk.

It'll just be like, ah, here's the.

Here's sand.

Here's the spare tire.

Yeah.

And you're like, uh-huh. And I'm like, really? You don't ever have a hoodie in the trunk of your car or anything in case of a first aid kit? It's like, no, it's just nice every day here. So, the average... Fellow co-chair David Chatillon said the relaxed alcohol content would only concern a small number of growers. The average after the harvest is below 12%. Not all wine growers and champagne will be above that level. But yes, for the first time, they're easing it. So if you're drinking French champagne.

French champagne.

From 2026, you might get the drunkest you've ever been on champagne.

Oh, that sounds good. Go get it, guys.

Here's my feeling about climate change.

Okay.

No longer say... Or think this isn't normal. Don't go, oh, it wasn't like this before. The way you survive and don't get bummed out is get excited that it's constant. You're just going to adapt. There's no sense of preparing. Just go, I'm just going to be ready on the fly, whatever this is. And so I've adapted that into my own life. Because I would be like, it was never like this before. It was never this hot before. The winds are, you know, you say all these things. It used to rain.

Gone.

Gone. It's boring to even say. Now just go, I have no idea what's going to happen next week.

Yeah, and this winter, you're going to get your rain, buddy. You're going to get it, and it's not going to stop. I just had a guy fix my roof. Because I'm, oh, it's going to be a big rainy winter. But then, who knows? Maybe it'll just be fires for you. Who knows?

Fingers crossed. I hope it's everything. But yeah, champagne's so fascinating. I went to this bar once. for a birthday party back in, let's say 2015. I think that's about right.

2016.

And it's a leather bar. It was a friend of mine who was a gay man. It was all gay men and then myself and a woman named Allison.

That sounds fantastic.

And it was middle of the day and everybody's really getting into it. And it was the kind of bar that just straight dudes, it's just like a, just you don't need to be there. It's like somebody else's world. And I was being nice because it was a birthday. But I'm like, you know, I'm gonna have some drinks.

I'm gonna be cool with everybody. But there is pornography on all the TVs in every direction. There are men in short shorts just dancing on different tables. And I was like, you know, this is cool. This is happening at noon on a Sunday. So after, if I don't know, four hours of that, there was sort of a core group and they were like, Scotty, can we go back to your place? And I said, sure. And they're like, let's stop by the liquor store, buy some stuff. And the birthday guy was like, I'd rather just have a drink on your deck, enjoy the views and all that stuff.

So this was back when I lived in counterpart. So we go and he gets four bottles of Veuve, Veuve Clicquot, French champagne.

Are you kidding me? He spent like $ 400? It was his birthday. It was his birthday.

Okay.

It was his birthday. I mean, we all pitched in and I had stuff and we bought stuff. So we go back and then we just proceed to drink champagne and, you know, they're putting strawberries and champagne. We're having a night. But the birthday boy, who is a friend of my good friend. So it's, you know, I know him well enough. Yeah.

he just starts affectionately biting my shoulder and bicep and chest. And I'm saying, you know, I'm drunk too. And I'm like, stop biting me. And he's cracking up and he's very diminutive. This is a smaller man.

Yeah.

He was, he was being flirty and drunk on French champagne. And I'm like, Hey, you got to stop biting me. And he did it about 10 more times. Um, I mean, it was just his bit for the night. It was like, ha, ha, ha, lean over, bite me. So around the same time, I had just started maybe a third, two dates, three dates with somebody who was a really nice gal. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So I wake up the next morning and I take a shower. And I have bruises from my... I don't know where your neck connects to your clavicle. From there all the way down to the seam where my elbow is. That's hard.

That's hard biting. So these were not nice bites. These were hard bites. These were leaving a mark bites. And also, if you're biting that hard and someone says, don't bite me, you have to stop biting them.

I know.

That's like a rule of human conduct.

I don't think anybody, unless it's just two adults going, I'm really into biting. Then you go, great, I consent. Let's have some fun.

Yes.

You know, if you're just at your straight buddy's house after a leather bar on a Sunday and a nice brunch and you're just drinking Veuve Clicquot and biting that person, you know, that might be a step too far. Anyway, so I wake up in the morning and I am like, talk about cheetah print. I am bruised. My whole right pec is bruised. And so I can't. Called the girl I had been dating. And I go, I just have to say something right now. Like, when we see each other later, I'm going to show you something right away.

Because this guy, I'll just say his name's Trevor. That wasn't his name. I was like, I explained the whole situation. And she's like, I appreciate you telling me. I was like, I'm not talking about a hickey. I was like, I'm like, brute. And you could see like teeth marks and stuff.

That's crazy.

So that night or the next night, whenever we go on a date. I just show her my arm. So I show her like my bicep and she's like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, are you okay? Like, I was like, I know. Later on when, you know, shirts were coming off, she was like, what the hell is going on? Like, she was like deeply concerned. Yeah. Of course, I would be too. And I had to be like, I'm fine. It doesn't hurt anymore.

But when those two finally met, I was like, he's the one.

Yeah.

And he didn't remember doing it.

Oh, he was just.

And she's like. Yeah. And then thank God there was a witness to both, my friend Allison, who was like, no, it was crazy. He bit Scotty all night long. And so, but it was like the weirdest thing to admit to be like, I promise I'm not seeing anybody else.

Yeah.

But if I was. Yeah. My kink isn't getting.

Getting bit.

One side of my body chomped like an alligator for three and a half hours while shooting pellet guns. and looking at the highway.

Oh, man, those pellet guns were so enjoyable.

It took, I would say, four weeks for those persons. What a strange reminder to the new person you're dating. It's like, there's a lot to this guy I will never understand.

Had I ever told this story? This is such a, I'm not even going to tell it. I'm not telling it.

Okay. Okay, good save. I like it. This lasts forever online.

All right, are you ready?

I'm ready.

I'll tease us into our thumbs up, folks.

Yeah.

All right. And this one's an easy one. Right off of the back of Scotty's informative champers article.

Here it is, folks. Champagne.

Oxford study says regularly going to the bar makes you healthier.

That's true.

Yes.

It's the social side of it. Also, weirdly, it is true. Yeah, it's just a It gives you something to look forward to.

You don't have to drink.

Just go to the pub. Say hey. Anyways. Go for it. We've got a bunch. Nicola H. wants to thumb her past self up for deciding to leave an unfulfilling career and go back to school. This weekend, her future self, which is now in the past. This was an old one. Will be receiving a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling with an emphasis on forensic and correctional counseling services.

and a concentration in LGBTQIA plus studies.

Yeah, thumbs up.

Nicola, good for you. What a wonderful new pursuit. You're going to help so many people, including yourself. And she says, thank you both for all the laughs along the way. You are so welcome. Thumbs up, Nicola.

Thumbs up.

Ann is giving herself a big old thumbs up for getting sober. It got weird and not in a good way. Thanks for all the big laughs, she says. You guys got me through rehab and moving states in the last month. And good for you if I haven't already sent you a dry 69 bumper sticker, which I think I may have.

Just send me your best address and I'll have one in the mail for you. Yeah. And last and certainly not least, this is a fun one. Callie Day wants to thumbs up her friend Heather and shout out her TikTok at Fairy Bliss Creations. Okay. Which is also the name. of Heather's Etsy shop. Nice. That is Fairy Bliss Creations.

Just like you said, Heather apparently is a Gen X fairy witch. So is Kurt. So is Kurt. Yeah. But unlike Kurt, Heather makes beautiful crystal prism sun catchers, sparkly trinkets, jewelry, salves, you name it. She's got you covered at Fairy Bliss Creations. Everything in her shop is gorgeous. And Heather, Callie also wanted to say that Heather is an incredibly supportive friend, empathetic, Helped her get through a divorce. Show your support. Go to at fairyblisscreations on TikTok. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Congrats to you. That's great.

Nice.

Did I ever tell you? I must have. I have this video of I was sitting at home one night and I just heard a crunch, the distinctive crunch of a car getting hit. And then I heard my former landlord go, Scotty. Somebody hit your car. I go, oh. And his wife used to hit my car parked in my driveway three times. She backed into my parked car.

Are you joking?

That's crazy. Three times. And each time she'd go, I'm sorry. Can we not get insurance included? I'd go, sure. Bumpers. Three times. She had stripes on her Honda. Three deep silver stripes.

Like racing stripes?

Well, that's what I initially thought until I took a deeper look. And what it was, was, and her husband, my former landlord, tell me this. She didn't see a chain once between two posts, so she just drove under it. And the chain just tore three grooves up her hood, over the windshield, the top of her car. She just drove under the chain. Oh, she was the best. So, shockingly.

Wow.

Two times I was writing and I heard a crunch and then she would come down my front stairs and be like, you're going to be so mad at me. And I was like, I am because I have to go to work.

Yeah.

So this was a different human being. Crunch. This woman comes down my stairs. She has like glitter on her eyes. Her boobs are barely contained by her flowy halter top thing. And she goes, hi, I... my car lurches and I think I may have hit your car. And my landlord's like standing behind her. Like I got it on camera.

I got it on camera. Like she tried to get away and he caught her. Oh, whoa. For real.

She tried to take off. Oh man. That's so dirty.

I hate this. And so I could say this because this is not her real name because she told me her real name. She goes, I go, okay. And she's like, and I don't really have insurance. So I was like, okay. She goes, I was like, well, let me get all your information. And she goes, my name is Farron. And I go, she's like, I'm a fairy. And I go, great.

And she combined that into her real name. And she claimed that her car sometimes when you put it in gear kind of drifts back a little bit. Well, I lived on a hillside and these things happen. The footage of this crash, Kurt, if I can, I will post it literally everywhere. I'll put it in the stories. Actually, it hit a parked car. Let's see if I could just pull this up immediately, because I bet I can.

It's definitely a video. It was the strangest full reverse into a parked car that you can imagine. We showed her the video, and then we showed her insurance company the video, which was her, I think, partner ended up paying me out of pocket. But it was absolutely preposterous. Like, she hit that car with such gusto. And then to say, oh, it just, it drifts a little bit sometimes. My car lurches.

It lurches.

My real name is Sharon, but I call myself Farron.

Pretty close. Not exactly it, but pretty close. All right, I'll find it, because it was totally and completely insane.

Yeah, yeah, post it on the Instagram. When I post this episode, yeah, you just have to hook it up and put it on there, too. My God.

Hit us with the rest of that story, and then we'll get the H out of here.

Us the bullets i'm just giving us the bullets here folks it yeah it's exactly what scotty said it's the it's the social this was in this was sent in by thomas chica thank you thomas chica.

Thank you thomas chica.

Um this is in vine pear although i did find it in other places they have the best headline okay i'm written by nick hines thanks nick thank you nick um go ahead and add an extra night out with your friends this and every week a new study finds that regular social drinking is good for your health The study was in the adaptive human behavior and psychology thing and found that people who frequented a local watering hole had bigger social networks, were more engaged with their community of meat, and were more satisfied with life. How's that an excuse to never miss another Wine Wednesday? Whatever a Wine Wednesday is.

Right? Any excuse to drink is what it sounds like to me.

Well, thank you so much, Scotty. That was a delightful episode.

Oh, you too, buddy. And if you're going to dry out and get sober, if you hit 69 consecutive days, we send. I've mastered the dry 69 stickers year round. They're free of charge. Just really do it. Stick to it. We'll cheer you on. And I'm happy to mail one to you all around the world. We just sent one to Sweden. Thank you to everybody exactly right. Thank you to Katie Levine, Lisa Maggot, everybody that makes Bananas possible, and especially to Kurt Braunohler.

And to Scotty Landis.

Sure. Why not? I'm here too. Bananas.com. Spooky one. It is the spooky season. Bananas is an Exactly Right Media production.

Our producer and engineer is Katie Levine.

The Catchy Bananas theme song was composed and performed by Kay Han.

Artwork for Bananas was designed by Travis Millard.

And our benevolent overlords are the great Karen Kilgariff and Georgia Hardstark.

And Lisa Maggett is our full human, not a robot, part-time employee.

You can listen to Bananas on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. And please feel free to rate and review as many times as you can. We love those five stars. Bananas!

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