Broadway Is My Beat: The Case of the Imposter Mystery

Hey!

221B Bakersfield. Do you hear? 221B Bakersfield.

And you're an idiot, too.

Did you hear that? With no difficulty.

What was it?

According to my deductions, I should imagine that someone is at the door.

Well, Watson, won't you see who it is? Yeah, we'll ask her. All right. How do you do? Out of my way, imbecile.

Ah, here you are.

A most accurate observation.

Don't fool with me, sir. I'll rat this stick around your head. I beg your pardon. Do you know who you're talking to? I most certainly do.

An idiot, a liar, and a blackguard.

That's who I'm talking to.

Would you care for a cup of tea?

Never mind a.

Cup of tea. Just give me my hundred pounds. Now look here. Now you've gone too far.

Who are you? Yes. Why don't you introduce yourself?

Introduce?

Mr. Holmes, what tomfoolery is this now? You know my name, sir. I wish I were equally informed as to yours.

Do you mean to sit there and pretend you don't know who I am? I not only do not know who you are, sir, but I think I prefer it.

Quite. But this is... This is impossible.

Oh, you're pulling my leg?

Mr.

Sherlock Holmes is not in the habit of pulling the legs of elderly gentlemen.

Oh, enough of this nonsense. I talked to you here in these very rooms only last week.

Oh, indeed?

And what did we talk about? You know very well what we talked about. I informed you that several attempts had been made on the vault of my home. I asked your advice concerning a safer place for the family jewels, securities, and other valuables. Oh?

And what was my advice? Don't you remember?

You said that thieves never look in the obvious places for valuables. They only look in the places that are not obvious. Therefore, I should put my precious things in an obvious place, which would then become inobvious.

For some such drivel.

Anyway, I took your word for it, and you charged me a hundred pounds, too. Did I? I take it the advice was not very effective.

Effective?

My dear sir, not more than an hour ago, the biscuit jar was ransacked.

Completely ransacked. Biscuit jar? I offer you my full sympathies, Mr... Mr... Sir Arthur Treadley. Oh, Sir Arthur.

However, the loss of your valuables represents only one crime in this pattern.

What do you mean?

The first crime committed was a very clever impersonation of myself. For last week, when we presumably were holding our rather unusual discussion, I was in Brighton with Dr. Watson.

Yes, we had a holiday. Gone the entire week.

Dangerous, eh?

Are you certain? There can be no doubt, sir.

Then I talked to an imposter. But he looked exactly like you.

It's interesting, eh, Watson?

What did I look like?

You were in Brighton.

We both were.

Well, this is the most amazing thing.

It certainly is, sir.

I hardly relish the thought of a stranger wearing my slippers and smoking my pipe. Not to mention the fact that he's traded on your name to achieve his only legal ends. Well, I see that I can hardly blame you, but still, something should be done about it. Something shall be done about it, sir. This imposter must be apprehended.

You should report the matter to the police. Oh, no, I think you can trust Sherlock Holmes. Er, this Sherlock Holmes. Good.

Here's my card, sir.

Please contact me as soon as you've uncovered the scoundrel. I should very much like to meet him face to face.

Exactly my wish, sir.

Good day, then, gentlemen.

Oh, the nerve.

All the impotence breaking in here and pretending to be Sherlock Holmes.

Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

I was thinking about that biscuit jar, Watson. I must say my alter ego certainly had a good deal of audacity.

He's back.

Well, I hardly think so, Watson. Hello, Inspector. Ah, Lestrade.

Holmes?

Holmes.

And the laughing stock of Scotland Yard. Oh, I am sorry to hear that. But so you should be.

If it hadn't been for you, I'd have had London's cleverest jewel thief in the palm of my hand. Ah, also London's cleverest impersonator, no doubt. I assume that you are under the impression that I visited you last week and offered you some unsolicited advice, shall we say?

Of course I'm under the impression that. What do you mean, impression?

Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you, Lestrade, but you see, Dr. Watson and I were not in London last week. A gentleman bearing an uncanny resemblance to myself has duped you.

I don't believe it. You just won't admit to an error of judgment.

Oh, no, Holmes. I'm not accepting that excuse. We were in Brighton, and we can prove it ridiculous. You came to my office and you convinced me to switch my men from watching Carlton's jewelry shop to watching Hammelberg's jewelry shop.

Yes, and naturally, Carlton's was the one that was robbed. Clean as a whistle. Oh, Holmes. I can't face my men. Of course not. My dear old friend.

My advice to you is to return to your men and inform them that you deliberately exposed Carlton's jewelry shop to the thief. All part of a vast, intricate plan. And don't tell them anything more. Well, you think that would work, Holmes? My solemn word.

Hmm.

Hmm. I'll do that, Holmes. That's just what I'll tell them. They won't be able to make me out, will they? No. You will continue to be a puzzle to them.

Yes.

Oh, thank you, Holmes. Thank you.

Oh, by the way, you weren't serious about that impersonator, were you?

Quite serious. Ridiculous.

Holmes, this is getting worse and worse every minute. I dread to hear another knock on the door. Well, I think our man was busy enough for one week, don't you, Watson?

Well, I hope so. What are we going to do now?

Well, to catch an impersonator, it may be necessary to bait the trap with a piece of imitation cheese.

What?

I say, Holmes, must we continue with this ridiculous act?

Absolutely essential.

Well, I don't feel very dignified. Dignity is not the issue, Watson. It is justice and revenge.

How long do we go on for? Well, until the right man calls on us.

Look here, we've already seen dozens of diplomats and reporters.

Are you sure none of them is the right man? Quite sure, Watson.

But I have every confidence our man will call on us before very long. Sooner or later, he may see for himself the fabulous Maharaja of Gandor. And to say nothing of the Maharaja's fortune in jewels.

Hmm.

Well, I wish I was still playing Dr. Watson. Mr. Hadley Bellingbroke of the London Weekly News... desires an audience with the Maharaja. They will ask him to wait for a moment.

That's all right, Watson.

Show Mr. Bellingbroke in. I am off on tour.

The Grand Vizier to the Maharaja. We welcome you. How do you do? Pleased to follow me.

The Maharaja of Gondor, Mr.

Bellingbroke.

Would you state purpose of visit?

Well, I'd like to get an interview with the Maharaja for my newspaper. We grant interview.

First question, please.

Well, actually, I wanted to do what we in London call a feature story. Naturally, I know that every newspaper has already covered the fact that the Maharaja is honoring us with a visit. I thought, therefore, that we might have, well... Just sort of an informal chat.

Very interesting. Very interesting. We grant an informal chat.

Thank you.

Your Highness, the population of London has heard a great deal about your jewels. I wonder, would you tell me what their value is? You may say for publication that the Maharaja's jewels are worth well in excess of 500,000 pounds.

I see.

And would the Maharaja consent to reveal to us just how he protects such a vast fortune? The Maharaja retains 30 men, whose sole task it is to guard the vast wealth.

Very interesting.

Yes, but it is not the fear of death that disturbs the Maharaja.

Oh?

May I inquire just what it is that disturbs the Maharaja?

Mr. Bellybrook, we are faced with a delicate situation.

May we take you in our confidence? Yes, of course. Well, the truth is that the Maharaja's daughter is in love with a young Englishman. I had no idea.

It is all too true, but we are plagued with doubts. Doubts? Yes.

We would like to know if the young man is sincere in his affections, or, as you might term it, is he a fortune hunter? You see, to most men, half a million pounds is a fortune. That is a serious problem. Indeed, we would ask you in the greatest confidence... if you could recommend to us a private individual... who could carry out some discreet investigations... into the young man's background and motives. Have you not heard of Sherlock Holmes?

Sherlock Holmes. Oh, the name falls strangely.

On our ears. I assure you, sir, the man is a master in matters of this nature. Perhaps he is the one we seek. I'm sure he would be delighted to assist you. However, he is quite busy. I can't say exactly when he will be available. Then perhaps, sir, you could manage to have a word with him and persuade him to give.

Us an interview.

Indeed, I shall. I will inform you the moment that he's in a position to accept the Maharaja's problem. We will be present when the time comes. You have been of great assistance.

Already you have lightened the royal burdens.

You will find Mr. Holmes most helpful. There is no secret, however intimate its nature, that you cannot entrust to him.

Oh, indeed, indeed.

As we say in our country, a wise man is a quiet man.

Oh, most true. And now, may I ask the Maharaja another question? Oh, no, please, please.

The Maharaja is fatigued with the interview. The Maharaja bids you go.

Oh, yes.

Yes, of course. Your visit has been most pleasing to us. Good day, Mr. Bellingbrook. May I speak now?

Certainly, Watson.

What would you like to say?

Eh? Oh, uh.

No, nothing really.

Oh.

Look here, Holmes.

Why did you tell that fantastic story of something about a daughter and an Englishman?

Well, you're aware, of course, that Mr. Bellingbroke was not a member of the press.

Oh?

Seemed legitimate enough to me. Hardly. You see, there were no signs of the true journalist about him.

The seat of his trouser was not shiny from constant application.

To a chair.

Nor were the elbows of his coat shiny from constant application to a desk. His spectacles were mere props being made of plain glass.

Plain glass?

Good Lord, how did you determine that?

Well, Mr. Bellingbroke is nearsighted.

It was quite evident from the manner in which he took those notes that the glasses were no use to him whatsoever.

Oh, I see. All right, then, granted, Benningrove isn't Benningrove. Well, who is he? I mean, he doesn't look very like you, does he? Well, that's true, Watson.

I think we shall learn more about our mysterious friend when he arranges that interview for me with Sherlock Holmes.

Yes, I believe he resides at 221B Baker Street. A charming man, too, from what they say.

Cabot?

I say, Holmes. You did say we were just going through the motions of leaving the city. Correct. Where are we actually going? Straight back to our rooms at the hotel, where you will get out of your.

Clothes and resume your instinct characterization of the Maharaja of Gandor.

Charing Cross Station, my good man, and highly.

We have a train to catch.

I wish they were bowlers. Here, let me help you. Mr. Bellingbroke has arrived. Now, show him in.

Maharaja.

Ah, Mr.

Bellingbroke.

We greet you in peace and in hope.

I think your hope is justified.

Then you bring good tidings? I do.

We had a good stroke of luck, and Mr. Holmes waits you this evening.

Splendid.

Eight o'clock would be most convenient for His Highness. I'm sure that would fit in with Mr. Holmes' schedule. We are most happy, Sime. By the by, where does this Mr. Holmes reside? The address is 221B Baker Street. Baker, Baker Street.

Ah, that has something to do with cakes and bread, no doubt. Yes, it is.

But it has nothing to do with it in this case. Hard name for a street. But, however, we shall be there at the appointed hour.

Good day, Mr.

Bellingbrook.

Holmes, if this is your idea of a joke, then our friendship is at an end. Not to mention my career with the yard. I give you my word, Lestrade, I am utterly serious. And what could be fairer than that? I know, I know.

Well, it just seems peculiar, this business of sneaking up to your place and arresting Sherlock Holmes.

At 8 o'clock tonight. But suppose he isn't there.

Suppose we burst in, guns drawn, and find the flat empty.

How will I face my man? Rather sheepishly, I should imagine.

Look, Lestrade, the imposter is using our flat because he thinks we've left the city.

Yes, I know.

But it will be a tremendous fillip for you, Lestrade.

Your name will be on the lips of every man, woman.

And child in London.

Every man, woman and child, eh, Holmes? All right, I'll do it, Holmes. I'll do what you ask. Wilkins?

Yes, sir? Have Hennessy and Clybourne report here at 7.30 tonight.

Yes, sir. Oh, and you'd better be here, too. Very good, sir. One thing more, Wilkins.

If anything goes wrong tonight, do you know with whom the responsibility will lie? Well, I hardly like to say, sir. During enough difficulty as it is, sir. It will be necessary to surprise our unwelcome guest.

Of course.

I suggest, therefore, that we gather one by one in the hallway of the house. Watson, you stroll by first and then duck in. Aye.

Next, Lestrade, then Wilkins, and finally myself. What about Clyburn and Hennessy? Hennessy, you ought to go around the corner and station yourself at the back of the house. And mine, keep a good look out. And Clyburn, you remain here and watch the front of the house. Now, is everything understood?

Mm-hmm.

Go ahead. Then let's be off.

Aye.

Oh, my God. Good evening. Very good.

I must say the resemblance is quite remarkable. It is remarkable. But I should have known better than to attempt to deceive you, Mr. Holmes. My error. I think you'd better come along quietly. I have no other choice, have I? You quite outnumber me.

Fools, you've got the round won.

Oh, no, you don't.

We've had enough of your tricks.

The strayed Watson, he's getting away.

Let me up.

I'll let you up until you have.

A chance to escape.

No, I don't... You'll pardon me, gentlemen, but I believe you're sitting on the real Mr.

Holmes. What makes you think so, Wilkins? Well, if he's the imposter, where is the real Mr.

Holmes?

Yes, of course, you idiots, the real Holmes wouldn't run away. There should be two of us. Oh, my goodness, he's right. I'm most terribly sorry, Holmes. There's no time for all that now, Watson. Please, come on.

Come on.

Mr.

Holmes, what is it?

Have you seen the imposter? No, sir. He got away? Look down the street.

Hurry, man.

Don't move.

Clyburn, what are you doing? Why, Mr. Holmes just told me that the imposter.

Oh, my goodness.

Where did you see him, Clyburn?

Right at my post.

I don't know which direction he took.

Well, he can't have gone very far. Here, what's that, Watson? Hmm? Why, it's putty. Mr. Holmes. Alfred. How did you get here so quick? Alfred, where was I when you last saw me? Why, down the street quite a way.

And which direction was I going? Don't you know, sir?

No, that's why I'm asking you. Tell me quickly. Why? It looked like you was cutting over the red line. Thank you, Alfred, for your assistance. I said hello, but you acted like you didn't even know me.

Make yourself some conspicuous.

I'll call you if I need you.

We meet again, Mr.

Bellingbroke.

I beg your pardon. Disagreeable stuff, putty, isn't it? The way it sticks to everything. Your hand, a cup. I wouldn't advise you to do that. There's no point in trying to run away again. You see, there can be no possible confusion between us this time. Here he is, Lestrade. But who is this man? Well, it's rather difficult to say.

Sometimes he is a certain Mr.

Bellingbroke.

and at others a certain Mr. Sherlock Holmes. But at all.

Times he is a superb master of mimicry and disguise.

Holmes, are you positive? I'd hate to make another mistake, you know. Have no fear, Lestrade.

You will discover on his person the putty with which he remodels the features of his face. And you may also undoubtedly discover that at one time or another, he was a more than competent actor.

But, Holmes, I still... All right, all of you, now move in.

Come on, Tony, we can make a break for him.

Just in the nick of time, Charlie boy.

Here, give me the gun.

Thank you.

Now, won't you sit down opposite your partner?

Aren't you Tony Simmons?

No, I am Sherlock Holmes. And this, in yet another disguise, is Tony Simmons.

This is Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard, Dr. Watson, Sergeant Wilkins and Officer Clybourne. Now, is everything quite clear?

Wilson. Wilkins, give me a hand. My head feels quite light.

THE END

Broadway Is My Beat: The Case of the Imposter Mystery

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