Stop Asking "Why" - What an FBI Negotiator Teaches Parents Instead

Chris Voss is a former FBI lead kidnapping negotiator, bestselling author of Never Split The Difference, and founder and CEO of The Black Swan Group (blackswanltd.com/?utm_source=youtube&utm_m…); a negotiation, training, coaching, and consulting organization that teaches people how to achieve better outcomes in high-stakes conversations. Today, he teaches some of these same skills to parents - and it turns out the thing that gets a hostage-taker to put down a weapon isn't that different from what gets your eight-year-old to put down the tablet.
Obviously, kids aren’t actual hostage-takers, but in this conversation, Chris and Dr. Becky get into why kids saying "no" is actually a sign of a healthy nervous system, not defiance. Why "how was your day" always gets you "fine," and the one-word fix that doesn't. Why asking your kid "why" almost always backfires, and what to ask instead. And the reframe Chris uses with his own team to get a reluctant partner, coworker, or teenager to actually engage: "are you against this?"
*
Thank you to our partners for making this episode possible:
• Frida (frida.com): Shop Frida at Amazon, Target, and Walmart today
• Airbnb (click.pscrb.fm/2f): Host your home or book your next stay on Airbnb
• SmartyPants (smartypantsvitamins.com): Shop SmartyPants Vitamins at Target, Walmart, or Amazon today
• Care.com (care.com): For a limited time, you can use the code BECKY35 to save 35% on a Care.com (care.com) Premium Membership.*
• Offer applies to initial term of Care.com (care.com) membership subscriptions. Not applicable to add-on features or non-renewing access fees or services. Expires 10/31/26. Care.com (care.com) does not employ or place any caregiver. Background checks are an important start, but they have limits. Visit care.com/safety.

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.