106. Looking Back, Living Forward

0:07 [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the Helping Couples Heal Podcast, a place for healing and hope for couples impacted by betrayal, resulting from infidelity and or sex addiction. [SPEAKER_00]: Your host is Marnie Breecker, licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex addiction therapist, and founder of the Center for Relational Healing in Los Angeles and San Diego, California.

0:29 [SPEAKER_00]: The helping couple's heel podcast was launched in 2021, with the intention of bringing hope to couples all over the world who are desperately trying to recover from the devastating impact of betrayal. [SPEAKER_00]: Realizing how many people the podcast was reaching and that we could offer even more support to our listeners.

0:47 [SPEAKER_00]: Marni Co-founded Helping Couples Hule, which has since grown into a global online coaching organization. [SPEAKER_00]: This podcast is a foundation of all the work that we do at Helping Couples Hule. [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening. [SPEAKER_00]: Marni brings over a decade of experience and expertise in the field of betrayal trauma and is honored to support you wherever you may be in your healing.

1:10 [SPEAKER_00]: If you've lost hope, you've come to the right place. [SPEAKER_00]: Now, they can slow deep breath and let's begin with the helping couples here podcast. [SPEAKER_01]: Hello everyone, welcome back to the Helping Couples Hill Podcast. [SPEAKER_01]: This is Marnie, and today I'd like to talk about one of the most common, yet most harmful and damaging traps that I see people fall into after they've experienced betrayal in their relationship.

1:40 [SPEAKER_01]: So if you're listening today, I imagine that you're likely in the middle of one of the most painful experiences, life can throw it a couple, which is navigating the aftermath of the trail trauma. [SPEAKER_01]: I know how exhausting this is. [SPEAKER_01]: I hear it every single day that knowing feeling that you just want to wake up and have everything go back to the way it was.

2:09 [SPEAKER_01]: and before the world felt unsafe, most people navigating the aftermath of betrayal are desperately searching for a sense of normalcy, and after betrayal it's really hard to even know what normalcy looks like anymore. [SPEAKER_01]: And for many of you, that search for normalcy looks like one singular goal.

2:28 [SPEAKER_01]: I just want things to go back to the way they were before. [SPEAKER_01]: I hear that every day. [SPEAKER_01]: Can't we just get back to how we were two years ago or six months ago or five weeks ago or yesterday? [SPEAKER_01]: Can't we just be the couple we were or [SPEAKER_01]: really what it is is the couple I thought we were before I found out.

2:47 [SPEAKER_01]: If you've been listening to me for a while, then you likely know that I will always be honest with you. [SPEAKER_01]: So that's what you're going to get now. [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be radically honest. [SPEAKER_01]: That relationship is over. [SPEAKER_01]: When you try to force a relationship back into the shape that it was before the betrayal, then you're essentially trying to just resurrect a ghost.

3:07 [SPEAKER_01]: That relationship, the one that existed before the secret sexual basement was exposed, before the betrayal, before the discovery, that relationship is over. [SPEAKER_01]: It died and it died the moment the betrayal was revealed. [SPEAKER_01]: I know that that might feel like a punch to the gut.

3:24 [SPEAKER_01]: It's hard for me to even say it. [SPEAKER_01]: And yet, it's also really important that I say it, because remember, betrayal is all about the denial of reality. [SPEAKER_01]: And so in the healing process, it has to all be based in reality, no matter how hard it is to say. [SPEAKER_01]: you cannot go back to that version of your relationship because you, your partner and your shared reality have fundamentally changed.

3:50 [SPEAKER_01]: Trying to get back to the relationship you had before is exactly what keeps you stuck in that exhausting, repetitive cycle. [SPEAKER_01]: Think of it like this, when a foundation in a house cracks, you can simply paint over it and pretend the house is as solid as it was on the day it was built or the day that you moved in.

4:10 [SPEAKER_01]: You can't restore a structure that is fundamentally altered. [SPEAKER_01]: By trying to return to the old dynamic of your relationship, you're essentially trying to build on rubble. [SPEAKER_01]: It's impossible. [SPEAKER_01]: It's exhausting and it will only lead to more frustration because the safety that invisible contract that you had or that you thought you had with your partner is gone.

4:35 [SPEAKER_01]: You are not the same people you were before. [SPEAKER_01]: You have new information now. [SPEAKER_01]: You have wounds. [SPEAKER_01]: Your heart has been broken. [SPEAKER_01]: You have a new understanding of the world and your relationship. [SPEAKER_01]: So much has changed. [SPEAKER_01]: And truly, if you were able to go back to that version of your relationship, then what would really happen is you would just be back in the dark again with all the secrets and all the lies and living in deception.

5:02 [SPEAKER_01]: I know that many of you missed the feeling that you had about your relationship, or again, the relationship that you thought you had before discovery. [SPEAKER_01]: And there are likely many moments when you yearn for what you thought you had, please know that is so normal. [SPEAKER_01]: Think about grieving the loss of someone you love who has died.

5:23 [SPEAKER_01]: I know that for me, after losing each of my parents, I would constantly yearn for the life [SPEAKER_01]: Every holiday I was crushed by deep grief, desperately wanting to go back to the old traditions. [SPEAKER_01]: Every year on Thanksgiving, I used to drive with my family to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving, and it was a long drive, and I always laid my head in my mom's lap, and everything's giving that came in the years following my mom's death, I would just yearn for those moments.

5:55 [SPEAKER_01]: Even as I say it now, it still hurts, but I had to do a great deal of grieving to get to where I am now. [SPEAKER_01]: It never goes away, and I will miss both of my parents for the rest of my life, but I no longer feel that constant aching. [SPEAKER_01]: It turned into something else, and it's the same with betrayal trauma.

6:13 [SPEAKER_01]: You are experiencing deep grief. [SPEAKER_01]: And it's different from the grief of losing someone to death. [SPEAKER_01]: This is ambiguous grief, where the person is still alive. [SPEAKER_01]: The person you're grieving is still alive, but they aren't the same version of themselves that you knew or thought that you knew prior to discovery.

6:31 [SPEAKER_01]: Morning that version of your life and your relationship is a necessary part of moving forward towards something that's new and something most important that's built on a foundation of truth. [SPEAKER_01]: A new version of your relationship though can only be built when you allow the old version to collapse.

6:49 [SPEAKER_01]: And that requires letting go, and that is so, so hard, it might even feel intolerable. [SPEAKER_01]: I often hear clients express frustration that the healing is taking so long, and that process of letting go in order to move forward and build something new can honestly take a really long time.

7:06 [SPEAKER_01]: That's why you'll often hear in the betrayal trauma space that it takes three to five years. [SPEAKER_01]: People get very, very scared when they hear that. [SPEAKER_01]: Why three to five years, [SPEAKER_01]: It's not because they're not doing a good enough job, it's because trauma lives in the body and it doesn't just go away because you're tired of grieving or you're tired of working so hard and you want to just move on.

7:32 [SPEAKER_01]: You can't rush through that process. [SPEAKER_01]: I understand wanting to rush through that process. [SPEAKER_01]: That's really human. [SPEAKER_01]: Nobody wants to be in that kind of pain. [SPEAKER_01]: But it's important to be patient. [SPEAKER_01]: Give yourself space, give yourself grace.

7:46 [SPEAKER_01]: Everyone's timeline is different. [SPEAKER_01]: So don't compare yourself to somebody else who's been through betrayal trauma. [SPEAKER_01]: When you spend your time trying to revive what is already gone, then you're ignoring the necessary work of being in the present and doing the work in the present, you're fighting against the reality of your current situation and that fight creates an exhausting loop.

8:11 [SPEAKER_01]: And by the way, I want to say it makes sense that you're fighting. [SPEAKER_01]: It makes sense that you would want to fight against letting go of something that you really loved, right? [SPEAKER_01]: But when you fight against the reality of what is true today, you're going to be exhausted and you're going to be frustrated.

8:29 [SPEAKER_01]: You're going to find yourself analyzing the past like crazy, comparing what's going on currently to be for, right? [SPEAKER_01]: It's a constant comparison between what's happening now and what was happening before and the before no longer exists. [SPEAKER_01]: And constantly feeling disappointed that you haven't arrived at that destination is going to be exhausting and going to be frustrating and all the things that I keep saying so if the goal isn't to get back to the before then what is the goal and the truth is it's actually very simple, but it's not really easy.

9:03 [SPEAKER_01]: And that is to build something entirely new, and this is a really daunting task. [SPEAKER_01]: I know that it's much harder, actually, than the fantasy of going back to before, because building something new requires you to actually show up to the relationship that you have today, not to the one that you thought you had yesterday.

9:21 [SPEAKER_01]: A huge part of building something new involves acceptance, radical acceptance. [SPEAKER_01]: So I want to speak for a second about acceptance. [SPEAKER_01]: Accepting something that feels unacceptable is often a really hard thing to do. [SPEAKER_01]: I personally struggled for a long time at the concept of acceptance.

9:39 [SPEAKER_01]: I refused to accept something that I wasn't okay with, but that's not what acceptance means. [SPEAKER_01]: I've said this so many times and I think it bears repeating over and over again. [SPEAKER_01]: that when you accept something, you don't say or feel that it's okay, accepting doesn't mean you like it, accepting doesn't mean you're okay with any part of it, acceptance means that you are accepting the reality that what's happened has happened, building something new means accepting the death of the old relationship.

10:14 [SPEAKER_01]: So you might be wondering where that leaves you, [SPEAKER_01]: It leaves you in the space of grief. [SPEAKER_01]: It takes us right back to grief. [SPEAKER_01]: It leaves you having to grieve the relationship that you thought you had. [SPEAKER_01]: Most couples, in fact, most people are terrified of grieving.

10:32 [SPEAKER_01]: They want to rush past it. [SPEAKER_01]: They want to just jump straight to forgiveness or reconnection or normalcy or actually leaving. [SPEAKER_01]: But the truth is you can't rush the morning process. [SPEAKER_01]: Grieving the old relationship is a necessary step in healing. [SPEAKER_01]: It's a necessary part of this process and it has to happen before you can create a new vision for your future.

10:57 [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't mourn the old relationship, then you're just going to keep trying to force your current partner into the role of the person they were before, which is only going to lead to more resentment and more pain. [SPEAKER_01]: and more stuckness. [SPEAKER_01]: If you try to skip the grief, you will carry it into your new life into your future in some hidden way, which ironically will keep you in another kind of a secret basement.

11:20 [SPEAKER_01]: And trust me, that baggage will always find a way to manifest, usually as resentment or in fear, and that will keep you from ever really trusting again and moving forward. [SPEAKER_01]: You have to be willing to look at the before, the version of your life that you thought was safe and true and acknowledge that it no longer exists.

11:41 [SPEAKER_01]: You have to mourn the loss of your innocence, the loss of the timeline you thought you were on, and the loss of the person that you thought you knew. [SPEAKER_01]: Building something new also involves the process of defining new foundations. [SPEAKER_01]: The old relationship was built in based on secrets and lies, so the new relationship needs to be built on an entirely new foundation, something that is much stronger, something that's based on radical transparency, vulnerability, and a shared commitment to walking through the pain.

12:15 [SPEAKER_01]: It's about slowing down, breathing, and walking through it together, no matter how long it takes. [SPEAKER_01]: Your new relationship needs to hold space for the person that you are now, not the person you were before the trauma, and this applies to both partners. [SPEAKER_01]: So if any of this is resonating with you, then I encourage you to just simply re-evaluate your healing goal.

12:37 [SPEAKER_01]: Are you still trying to rebuild the version of your relationship from the past? [SPEAKER_01]: If so, give yourself permission to let it go, and that doesn't mean it has to be quick or easy. [SPEAKER_01]: and something that can be really helpful in letting go is creating a ritual around this.

12:56 [SPEAKER_01]: Rituals are so helpful sometimes in helping us grieve and mourn and move forward and move through the pain. [SPEAKER_01]: Intentionally give yourself permission to let go of what was. [SPEAKER_01]: And then you get to decide what you want to construct moving forward with what remains of that past foundation.

13:16 [SPEAKER_01]: Nobody else gets to decide this for you. [SPEAKER_01]: Please hear me. [SPEAKER_01]: This is really important. [SPEAKER_01]: If you do choose to move forward together as a couple, constructing something new happens collaboratively with complete transparency. [SPEAKER_01]: Zero unilateral decisions like there's room for zero unilateral decisions.

13:38 [SPEAKER_01]: This rebuilding requires full prioritization of the relationship and the construction of the new version of the relationship. [SPEAKER_01]: You cannot build something new without first looking back at the wreckage of the old relationship. [SPEAKER_01]: It's not an option or a luxury to do that work.

13:54 [SPEAKER_01]: It's necessary. [SPEAKER_01]: I want to acknowledge that every time I talk about grief and I talk about it a lot, whenever I talk about the old version of the relationship, I recognize that there is so much pain and I really wish that there was a way to have these conversations and to do this work without pain, but that's just not realistic.

14:15 [SPEAKER_01]: The reality is that when you're dealing with trauma, [SPEAKER_01]: when you're dealing with betrayal, when you're dealing with secrecy and lies and deception. [SPEAKER_01]: And years of gaslighting and abuse, there's just no easy, simple, sort of, happy way to talk about this. [SPEAKER_01]: It's messy.

14:31 [SPEAKER_01]: And actually, I'm a big believer that the greatest chance you have to rebuild something that thrives, something that's beautiful, something that's real, that's honest, that's authentic. [SPEAKER_01]: And is all the things that you want it to be. [SPEAKER_01]: That requires doing this very messy and ugly work of digging through the wreckage and going through it all and walking through it.

14:51 [SPEAKER_01]: That is what grief is. [SPEAKER_01]: So I know that many people when they hear me talk about grief get really scared. [SPEAKER_01]: And it could be scary, you know, hearing go dig through the wreckage. [SPEAKER_01]: That might sound terrifying. [SPEAKER_01]: But grieving is actually the way out.

15:09 [SPEAKER_01]: It is a structured, intentional process of letting go so you can make room for what's new, for what you're building. [SPEAKER_01]: So now I'm going to transition this conversation from the importance of building something new and not trying to get back to what was before to exactly how you can do this.

15:29 [SPEAKER_01]: What that actually looks like and I'm going to share four practical ways that you can start to do that. [SPEAKER_01]: So the first is, and I've said this so many times and so many different episodes, you have to name the losses. [SPEAKER_01]: We often get stuck because we treat grief as one big feeling of pain, but you need to get specific.

15:48 [SPEAKER_01]: Take out a journal or just a note pad or just a piece of paper and write down everything that you are grieving. [SPEAKER_01]: And I don't just mean the cheating or the [SPEAKER_01]: I mean the losses that came with it, the loss of your innocence, the loss of the specific future you thought you had.

16:08 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe it's the loss of the belief that your partner would always keep you safe. [SPEAKER_01]: One of the biggest losses I hear so so often is the loss of your own intuition. [SPEAKER_01]: For people who have betrayed a partner, I hear them say the loss of their own self-respect. [SPEAKER_01]: When you name it, it becomes something that you can look at, acknowledge, and then eventually put down.

16:30 [SPEAKER_01]: My second suggestion is to write a eulogy for the old version of you. [SPEAKER_01]: This is something that I actually often ask my clients to do. [SPEAKER_01]: As I've been talking about throughout this entire podcast, there is now an old version of you that was very hurt. [SPEAKER_01]: And whether you identify as the betrayed partner or the betraying partner, that version of you is gone.

16:53 [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay to honor that version of you. [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, I think it's very important that you do. [SPEAKER_01]: Write a letter to your past self, acknowledge what they experienced, thank them for trying their best to keep you safe, and say a formal goodbye. [SPEAKER_01]: Your language will look different depending on whether you identify as the betrayed partner or the betraying partner, but the value in the process is equally as powerful.

17:16 [SPEAKER_01]: It may sound strange, but it is deeply healing to acknowledge that the person you were before the discovery cannot survive the person you have to become to heal. [SPEAKER_01]: The third suggestion I have today is to find a physical outlet for your grief. [SPEAKER_01]: Grief is not just a mental practice.

17:37 [SPEAKER_01]: It is stored and lives in your nervous system. [SPEAKER_01]: If you just think about the grief, you'll stay stuck in a loop. [SPEAKER_01]: You need to move it, you need to move through it. [SPEAKER_01]: This might mean crying until your heart hurts or your chest hurts and letting that happen without trying to stop it.

17:54 [SPEAKER_01]: It might mean physical exercise, shaking out your limbs or even just lying on the floor and breathing deeply into your belly. [SPEAKER_01]: Your body needs to know that the danger has passed and that it's safe to release the tension that it's been holding on to for so long. [SPEAKER_01]: And finally, and this is the most important suggestion I have today.

18:14 [SPEAKER_01]: You have to set grief time. [SPEAKER_01]: Doing the work doesn't mean being in the work 24-7. [SPEAKER_01]: That's not healing. [SPEAKER_01]: I think that's suffering. [SPEAKER_01]: What I suggest is that you will allow yourself 15 or 20 minutes a day to intentionally grieve. [SPEAKER_01]: Put on a song that makes you feel the grief, journal, cry, screen, move your body slowly, or talk to someone you feel comfortable being vulnerable with.

18:44 [SPEAKER_01]: Set a timer for the 15 or 20 minutes, and when the timer goes off, then you practice the skill of returning to the present. [SPEAKER_01]: You can do a grounding exercise. [SPEAKER_01]: My favorite thing to do is to go outside and walk in the grass with my bare feet. [SPEAKER_01]: And then you get to go back to your day.

19:01 [SPEAKER_01]: You have to teach your brain that it is safe to visit the wreckage, but you do not have to live there. [SPEAKER_01]: Doing this work is the ultimate act of self-respect and self-compassion. [SPEAKER_01]: It's messy. [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: It's ugly. [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. [SPEAKER_01]: But I believe it's the only way through.

19:19 [SPEAKER_01]: So this week, I want to invite you to stop trying to find the before. [SPEAKER_01]: Stop trying to go back to what was. [SPEAKER_01]: Give yourself permission to acknowledge that the old story is finished. [SPEAKER_01]: It is OK to cry for what was lost. [SPEAKER_01]: In fact, it's normal to cry for what was lost.

19:41 [SPEAKER_01]: It's OK to be angry that you have to write a new story instead of just continuing the old one. [SPEAKER_01]: Just don't let the grief stop you from seeing the potential of what you might build tomorrow, which can be a new relationship. [SPEAKER_01]: that might be deeper and more honest and more resilient than the old one ever was, specifically and precisely because it isn't based on a false sense of security.

20:06 [SPEAKER_01]: This one is based on reality. [SPEAKER_01]: It's built on the wreckage of the old one, yes, but that means it's built with your eyes wide open. [SPEAKER_01]: It's built in truth. [SPEAKER_01]: you aren't operating on blind trust anymore. [SPEAKER_01]: Now you are operating on a conscious choice to show up, to be transparent, and to do the hard work of accountability and healing.

20:31 [SPEAKER_01]: So I hope that what you heard today is not that everything has been lost and that it's all hopeless. [SPEAKER_01]: It's actually just about recognizing that in order to move forward, you have to be in the present, and therefore you need to do the grief work and more in the relationship that you had and that old version of you, you need to give it time.

20:50 [SPEAKER_01]: And you need to give it both your attention, hand your intention. [SPEAKER_01]: And I hope that you have people around you that are able to support you as you do this work, and if you don't, find them. [SPEAKER_01]: They are out there. [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't have someone in your life that feels safe to hold you through this time, find someone.

21:07 [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't know where to look, reach out to us, and we can help point you in the right direction. [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for listening. [SPEAKER_01]: Please be gentle, I'm compassionate with yourself this week, and remember that healing is not a race, and is a daily practice. [SPEAKER_01]: Keep practicing.

21:22 [SPEAKER_01]: Take care, and I'll see you soon. [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you for listening to the Helping Couples Heal Podcast, where you're healing is our number one priority. [SPEAKER_00]: If you'd like additional resources about the trail trauma, which will learn more about our coaching services, please visit HelpingCouplesheal.com or call 562-379-4325.

21:48 [SPEAKER_00]: our help is available worldwide. [SPEAKER_00]: Please support helping couples heal and continuing to reach others impacted by betrayal trauma by leaving a review on iTunes and sharing this podcast with someone you care about. [SPEAKER_00]: For additional support, follow us on Instagram and consider joining our helping couples heal private Facebook community.

22:07 [SPEAKER_00]: This isn't an easy journey, but you don't have to do it alone. [SPEAKER_00]: Once again, thank you for listening.