HILF 116 - Worst-Ever Days at Work [RECORDED LIVE]

0:01 He called Apple. You guys, he called Apple like six times. I mean, he calls Apple over and over again. He's like, sluts, I have your fucking phone.

0:14 History, I'd like to follow me down the rabbit hole. History, I'd like to frankly.

0:29 I want to know. Hello, and welcome to Hilf.

0:36 History, I'd like to fuck with Don Brody. I'm Don Brody, your host, who believes that history is a party and everybody's coming. And this is episode 116, History's Worst Days at Work. Recorded live at Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank, California on September 3rd, 2026. And it was just the perfect possible kickoff for Labor Day weekend. The comedians were incredible.

1:06 Joe Roche and Kelly Roman joined me. But as usual for these live shows, girl, you're not going to hear their sets. You're going to hear me quiz them and you're going to hear me chat with them a little bit. And also, sadly, you know what? It doesn't matter how good you do on these quiz questions because only the live audiences. is eligible to win the prizes, okay, for the full frontal of the show. Of course, you've got to be there. So you join us next time, right?

1:31 It's the first Thursday of every month. The show is always different. The history is always hot. As for right now, you've already got your ticket, and you've just found the coziest seat in the back of the club, and Nikki just dropped off a cold beer and a hot basket of fries.

1:49 Yes.

1:50 Oh, let's get started.

1:57 I'm glad you're here. What a night. Am I right?

2:02 Oh, what a night.

2:03 Oh, friends. Okay, so the theme tonight, as you were probably already aware, tomorrow starts Labor Day weekend.

2:10 Labor work.

2:11 And I thought, yeah, all right, that's the theme of the show, labor work. And I went around, how am I going to fuck that?

2:16 Yeah.

2:18 And at first I was like, labor, there's something there. No, I don't want to deal with the afterbirth. Theoretically, right? And here's what it's not. It's not about worst jobs, right? In part because I did that last year. Remember we talked about the job where people had to like eat food off of plague victims? Right? Like that was a pretty bad job. But like, also I'm like, that's not fair.

2:39 Fuck you, Dawn, says my historiography, new understanding. Who are you to say it's a shitty job? Yeah?

2:44 Yeah.

2:45 There's probably lots of shitty jobs with the right amount of money and your good friend and a pop list.

2:49 Probably not that bad of a job. So I'm not gonna judge.

2:52 So what our stories are tonight are not the worst jobs ever. They're also not workplace disasters. I cut those from the list of my stories too, Because last month, we talked about all those people who killed themselves in Guyana. And I felt like maybe we should... Maybe we should lighten it up a little bit. So what we have tonight on the docket for you, friends, are three stories that I have curated from the anals. I went up there thoroughly. And what these three stories are stories of work, and what they are is someone's worst day at work.

3:31 Stories where they went in thinking this is going to be just fine, and then through a series of extraordinary circumstances and misaligned characters, horrific events and or marvelous events ensue. And even though it's somebody's worst day at work, what these stories also all have in common is that they get the last. Oh, and we have so many, my guests tonight, holy hammer. Guys, I got Joe Roche. So get your panties, have them ready. The ping, he's amazing.

4:08 We have Kelly Vroman.

4:11 The favorite.

4:13 You remember her from the Catherine, the great episode, She's So Funny. And then another Hill favorite, Hunter Hill is back. He's gonna kill us, and he's also got a really good, like, hilfy special announcement, and he wanted to do it here. Okay. What else do I have? That's it. Oh. It is, of course, always my goal that this will be the best September 3rd that any of us have ever had in our lives. What I can guarantee is that this is the only September 3rd, 2026, any of us will ever have in our lives. And so, a glass... to you, to me, and to the present. The first story that we have for you is the time that an Apple engineer left an iPhone prototype in a bar. Do you guys remember this story? It happened in May of 2010.

5:12 Our friend right here, our new best friend, Gray Powell, Apple engineer, goes for his 27th birthday.

5:20 To have eleventy beers.

5:24 With his uncle at the Gourmet House Strut beer garden right outside of Apple HQ. Okay? He gets loaded.

5:34 Nice work, Gray. And he gets home safe. Congratulations.

5:39 And then he has that sinking feeling.

5:42 Where's my phone?

5:42 Fuck.

5:45 Raise your hand if you've ever lost your phone.

5:46 Okay.

5:48 Keep it up if it was a prototype.

5:55 Oh, fuck. It was the prototype for the iPhone 4. And just to give us some context for what Uncle Apple had gone through to prevent precisely this exact circumstance, okay? If you work at Apple and you are handling the 4 before it comes out, okay, and you're in the building, you are behind security doors, okay? You have to cover the phone with a black cloak whenever you're not touching it.

6:26 Like it's a little vampire phone. You know what I mean, right? Like your little.

6:33 Okay.

6:34 And then the other thing you were supposed to do when you were actively using the phone is you had to turn on a red flashing light so that everyone would look and then know, don't look over here. Okay. I wish I was kidding. Apple put a red flashing light above everything you weren't supposed to look at. Like, have you ever been to Amsterdam? You know what I mean?

6:58 I know you guys are nerds, but like, wake up. That's not how that works. So our guy Gray clearly had permission to take the iPhone 4 prototype out in public.

7:09 He was field testing it, okay?

7:10 But I have a hunch they were very specific about not leaving it.

7:15 In a German beer bar.

7:18 It had a 3S case on it, even, so it wouldn't look too much different. And the other thing, okay, so they have to turn on the red flashing light. If all of you guys remember, dude, 2010, this is Obama's first term. And if you guys remember, he had famously a Blackberry, right? His first, we were all like, oh, and it was like, Apple was technically cooler, but we were like, is it? Because Barack Obama's the coolest guy on planet Earth.

7:48 And if he has a Blackberry, maybe not.

7:50 So iPhone is also, like, ooh, competitive.

7:53 There isn't even a Google phone coming out yet.

7:55 You know what I mean?

7:56 So, like, they're very, very, very nervous about this. Now, to get deeper into the story, this is where.

8:02 I need.

8:04 My teacher's pen.

8:05 Yes!

8:05 Okay, what is your name?

8:06 Michael. This is Nicole, everybody. Nicole, this is.

8:16 Your microphone now. Okay, so here's the first question.

8:19 You said you don't remember. It happened, right? It happened, yeah. Now, here's the fun thing about 2010, and I hope this alarms at least one other person as much as it alarmed me. That was 16 fucking years ago. That's about right. 2010 was 16... Years ago, and that means it's history. Holla! One of the best things about history and why we like.

8:42 It is because we know what happens kind of. We can look back on it.

8:44 We can know things that they didn't know at the time. So your first question, Nicole, is what did we later learn? Were the circumstances under which this prototype was lost, okay? Was it A, it was all the publicity stuff? By Apple, they were trying to get the word out. Purpose. B, the guy, poor Gray, he'd been followed. He'd been targeted.

9:14 He's kind of a hot twat. It's his birthday.

9:16 He's in his bar.

9:17 You know what I mean? And someone stole his phone, followed him, and did it on purpose. Or C, it was all, the whole thing. One big dumb mistake after another. A, publicity.

9:29 Wait, which birthday?

9:31 What? Which birthday?

9:32 27th.

9:32 Oh, great. Thanks. It's the last one.

9:34 You think it was all a big dumb mistake? It's a big mistake.

9:36 Because he just turned 27. Let's not forget, the day before this happened, he was 26.

9:40 So dumb.

9:42 That's a good point. Big dumb mistake. Big dumb mistake. Give it up for Nicole. That's absolutely correct.

9:47 And your first prize here, you get a Hilf Koozie. Yeah, keeps your beard cold and your history out. Okay, so here's what happened, okay, on the ninth question in May of 2020.

10:01 Okay, Gray goes to the bar.

10:02 He does. He gets loaded.

10:03 He accidentally leaves his phone behind.

10:05 I read every word of the police reports and the ensuing articles. Here's what happened next, okay? A, quote, very drunk guy.

10:15 He is nameless. No one knows who this is. sees the phone sitting.

10:20 On a stool where Gray had been. Cookie. Sees the phone and picks it up and sees the guy sitting closest to it and says, hey, is this your phone?

10:32 Right?

10:33 And the guy looks at him and he's like, no, but I'll help, right? And he, good Samaritan, takes the phone and starts walking around.

10:39 Anyone, is this your phone?

10:41 Because this drunk guy is not probably the best steward of the lost phone.

10:44 Is this your phone? Go to the next slide, please, AJ.

10:46 Okay.

10:47 This Good Samaritan is him. His name is Brian Hogan. He goes through this whole bar.

10:53 Is this your phone? Is this your phone? Is this your phone?

10:55 So he does the thing you do. He opens the phone. It's not password protected. So he just opens it up, goes to Facebook, sees the profile of Gray Powell, who works at Apple, and his last Facebook status, I'm not kidding, is Facebook. I forgot how strong German beers were. But remember, this thing is in the 3S case. So he doesn't really know it's a weird phone.

11:25 He figures, you know what?

11:26 This guy works at Apple. It's 20 minutes away. He's probably going to come back here. I'll just take this home, come back. He'll be fine. I'm not going to leave with these drugs. He goes home.

11:34 He wakes up. He's more clear-eyed.

11:37 And the first thing he notices is that the phone has been bricked.

11:41 Do you know what that means? When you break a phone.

11:49 Wait, when you're blocking. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Apple knows is what happened, and they shut that shit down, right? And so he's like, oh, that's weird. So he takes the case off, and that's when he realizes, whoa, this thing's silver. It was the first silver one. And it's got all these barcodes on it. And that guy worked at Apple. Oh, my God. Says Brian Hogan with his weird little facial hair.

12:13 You know what I mean? Shave your neck, Brian. Okay, so now Brian knows he's got a special phone.

12:22 Nicole, what does he do next?

12:23 Does he A, call Apple to give it back?

12:27 I have your phone. B, try to sell it on eBay.

12:31 But it's just a regular phone because he doesn't want to get tied up in this 500 bucks. Or does he try to sell it on eBay? This is probably a special phone and it's $ 5, 000. What is it?

12:42 Call Apple? Try to sell it for a little?

12:44 Or try to sell it for a lot? I'd try to sell it. That's what you would do, right? That's what I would do, too.

12:53 You think you'd try to sell it?

12:55 Yeah. For a little or a lot? Probably for a lot. He called Apple. You guys, he called Apple like six times. I mean, he calls Apple over and over again. He's like, sluts, I have your fucking phone. You dumb cunts. You've already rigged it. What's wrong with you? And these poor bastards on customer service just kept being like, okay. Right? You found a knockoff. You found some dumb, because these articles, they even talk to people at the customer service, and they're like, they didn't tell us they lost a prototype.

13:29 We thought he was stupid. You know what I mean? We didn't think anything of this. Quit yelling at us. Why is everybody yelling at us? You know, because they tried to get the phone back. Okay, so then, when Apple, weeks go by, weeks go by, and then Brian Hogan sells it. Oh! for $ 5, 000.

13:53 To Gizmodo Magazine.

13:55 Go to the next slide, please, AJ. Gizmodo. I really encourage, I know I don't usually give you guys my sources for the live show because you're drinking and who cares, but go read this fucking article. It is comedy gold, one line after another. They even include an excerpt of the dialogue where they call Gray Powell and they're like, hi.

14:20 So we have your phone, and he's like, fuck. He said he sounded tired, and he sounded broken. Oh, it's so rough, and everything comes out, and everyone finds out his name and his birthday. You know what I mean? Sending him shit for his birthday, poor guy. So here's our last question for you. Are you ready? What happened to Gray Powell, the guy who lost the iPhone, who had his worst day at work, okay? A. Oh, he was fired. Big time. Okay, he was fired, and now he works at Google. B. He didn't get fired. We know he didn't get fired, but he is eerily absent from the digital archive aftermath.

15:09 Or C.

15:10 He quit Apple, bought the German bar, and works there to this day. Isn't she beautiful when she thinks? You know, I talk before I think. You might have noticed that. My words just start coming out, and I'm sort of thinking as I'm talking now.

15:33 Nicole, I ask her a question, and she.

15:34 Goes, Okay. And you think.

15:38 It's great.

15:39 I think they would fire him, right?

15:42 I would. Right? But wait, this is all a bunch of stupid mistakes. So can we go over there again?

15:49 Right.

15:49 You're firing me. Because you let me take your phone to a bar? It sounds like it's your fault you let me bring your phone to a bar. That's how I got out of trouble. I didn't know I couldn't do that. What do you think? So it was B? You think B was... He didn't get fired, but he's digitally missing.

16:10 Like, we don't know what happened.

16:13 And then C was.

16:15 C is he bought the bar.

16:15 He bought the bar.

16:16 He bought the bar.

16:17 He got out of tech and he's in the beer business. I'm going to B.

16:19 I'm going to B. B.

16:21 B is absolutely correct. Give her a big round of.

16:25 Applause, you guys.

16:26 Not only did he not get fired, the world was on Gray's side. Remember how I said everyone gets the last laugh in this story?

16:36 The world, even Gizmodo Magazine was like, do not fire.

16:41 Do not fire this poor guy he loves Apple because when they called he was like all I've ever wanted to do is work for Apple and I think Steve Jobs is really really mad at me I know and everyone's like it's not his fault why did you let him have that phone that's your fault you let him have that phone so go to the next slide AJ this is my favorite this is this is Steve Wozniak one of the co-founders of Apple and he has a t-shirt he's got a beer up to his mouth And he's wearing a t-shirt that says, I went drinking with Gray Powell and all I got was a lousy iPhone prototype.

17:20 And if he lets the kid off the hook, then the rest of us did as well. I think he's giving Nicole a big round of applause. I am so excited to introduce our next comedian friends. He is part of the entertainment empire that brought us such classics.

17:40 As Sharknado.

17:41 He is also one of the contributing writers to the masterpiece, Meth Gator. Please join me in giving a big flapper's welcome to the very, very funny Joe Roche! I'm keeping you, Joe Roche, because you are going to help us introduce our next story.

18:02 Okay, are you ready? Now, we're gonna, this... This one, I really, I was very thrilled. The anals were providing.

18:10 Is the story of the time Walt Whitman got fired from his government job for having smut in his desk.

18:25 I know, I know. You're like, ooh, smut, my favorite. So let's start with a picture. AJ, let's remind everyone what a smoke show Walt Whitman is. Am I wrong? I don't know.

18:37 I know he's old, but you can tell this guy's box.

18:40 No?

18:40 You guys don't care?

18:42 No?

18:43 Jesus is on. Jesus gets me.

18:45 All right.

18:46 All right, so Walt Whitman, this is him. Here's my question for you.

18:50 What was the smut?

18:53 What is the nature of the smut? that Dawn's story is about, okay?

18:57 Is it A, this is the 1860s, it's 1865, photography is new, and they have titty pics. Walt Whitman's got titty pics in his desk. Is it B, it's Walt Whitman, it's clearly smut poetry. Too much titty talk. Or is it C, He had a copy of Jane Eyre with all the heaving bosoms. Okay, so what was the smut he was caught with?

19:33 Tits?

19:34 Verbal tits?

19:35 Or Jane Eyre?

19:39 Every tits. Gosh. All right, I'll go with Jane Eyre. I'm going with like.

19:47 You're going straight... That was... totally inappropriate at the time.

19:51 Yeah, Jane Eyre.

19:53 The smut that is Jane Eyre. It is B, verbal tits.

20:00 Literary tits, Joe. Can you imagine in this day and age if you couldn't even have word smut? What a nightmare. Here, I'm going to dare you to not be aroused while I read you, though, some of this smoke poetry. This is the honor system. We're not going to look for a boner, but you do have to tell us. It's too late. It's too late. I just want you to tell me the truth. This is from a book called Leaves of Grass.

20:35 Okay, you guys are like, oh, we grew up leaves and grass.

20:39 Okay, so this is kind of the flavor of smut that they objected to, and I want, raise your hand when you start to get aroused. That's for Joe and for everyone here. Because I was resting the microphone on my head. Here we go. Prove it! Prove it! Here we go.

21:06 Leaves of Grass, 1865. Walt Whitman.

21:10 I mind how we lay in June, such a transparent summer morning. You settled your head athwart my hip. and gently turned over upon me. You parted the shirt from my bosom bone and plunged your tongue to my bare stripped heart. And reached till you felt my beard. And reached until you felt my feet. And the scent of these armpits Aroma is finer than brand. Right? Right? You get it?

22:06 All right.

22:12 Armpits, like there's sex, and then there's like armpits. Bring it, bring it. All of it, right? Yeah, I know, right? Ladies and gentlemen, please give an enormous hand to Joe and his girl.

22:25 Congratulations, Joe, we love you!

22:36 Ladies and gentlemen, plunged your tongue onto my chest. Okay, so this book, Leaves of Grass, is already printed, 12 poems, and it's kind of why Walt Whitman is famous, okay? 1865, I'll do the math for you, Civil War has just ended, okay? And Walt Whitman was beloved by the Civil War soldiers and America. He was known as the Gray Poet, kind of like Gandalf, right? He would go to these Civil War hospitals, and he'd take care of the soldiers, and he'd read them poetry, and then he wrote this incredible book of poetry called Drum Taps. that lifted people's spirits, and that's why, when the war was over, he got this government job. Give Beardo a fucking job. Right? Give these weird artists a pension. They deserve it, okay? And

23:27 this is Walt Whitman's boss. Go to the next one, please, AJ. Okay. Okay? Yeah. This is James Harlan, okay? I promise you, James Harlan... Dear rain leaves of grace. Okay? But then he did. And he was like, this is awful. And then he was like, wait, the pervert who wrote this works here? Ugh! And he goes to his desk. What does he find?

24:00 This is what gets him fired immediately. Like, Walt never goes back to work after what James finds in his desk. Is it A, morbid? Handwritten that go beyond the armpits. B, illustrations. Christ on a cracker. He's got little drawings in his perverted poetry book. He's got necks and ankles, all sorts of kinky shit. Or C, he's got one lyric poem, but it's titled Anne, which is James Harden. And his little beard got all... Right, you don't get this face without making that face every day, right? All right, so Jan, what did they find in the desk? More kinky poetry, illustrations, or a poem titled after James Harlan's wife? I love you guys. Always tell me what you want. And I really...

25:10 What do you mean? Which one is it? Kinky poetry illustrations or Anne? What have you been doing with Anne? Illustrations. Illustrations. It's A. It's just more poetry. You guys, it's just more poetry. But here's the thing. Walt was working on it at work, A. It's in his desk at work, okay? And, which I don't think was actually the problem. I think the real problem is that it was about men. Walt Whitman thought men were beautiful, too. And James was like, can you imagine being, you know, waist deep in American corpses at the end of the Civil War and still being like, what do you mean men's jawlines is nice?

26:13 You know what I mean?

26:16 Like, what the fuck?

26:18 Although, to be fair, this was hardly coded. He had a.

26:21 Poem in this book for James.

26:22 Look at James. James called, we two boys together clinging. Yeah, not a lot of ambiguity. Oh, and here's one.

26:34 I'm telling you, I was hot as an oven. I slid right off my chair.

26:37 I wrote this one. You guys, Walt Whitman, get it, okay? Because he wrote about me. It's called Whoever You Are Holding Me Now in Hand, i.e.

26:50 The reader.

26:53 You, whoever you are, holding this book. And it says, are we on the beach? Let's kiss.

26:57 Let's kiss.

26:58 Maybe you imagine us in my office. I don't mind. Let's close the curtains. It gets fucking hot. Walt's like, let's fuck whoever you are.

27:08 Right?

27:09 Let's fuck whoever you are. I'm into it. Right? And I don't know.

27:13 Maybe James got a little boner.

27:15 I don't know.

27:16 I don't know. I don't know, but he wrote his dismissal letter that night, okay? And Walt Whitman, as I told you, he had friends. He had friends in high places, such high places, they could get him a government job in the first place, right? So the government people go to James Harland, and they're like, you fucking prude, right?

27:36 Let the great poet keep his job. He was doing his job right, right? So, like, let him keep doing his job. And this is the quote. James Harland says, it's no use. I will not have the author of that book in this department. No. Get this. If the President of the United States should order his reinstatement, I would resign sooner than I would put him back. That's a startling phrase. But do you know what's even more startling?

28:09 the president of the United States had been fucking dead for four months. And when he said that, Abraham Lincoln had been shot. James, read a room. Get your priorities fucking lined up, you fucking weirdo. The president, you have the audacity to bring up what the president would do? We are mourning him, you cunt.

28:33 Okay.

28:36 This is important context, okay? Because he doesn't, Walt Whitman does not go back. He was surprised.

28:40 He was like, I don't even want to go back. He was searching through my desk. So he doesn't go back.

28:44 What he does is grieve the loss of Abraham Lincoln and take his time off to write the most famous poem of his canon ever, O Captain, My Captain, which gave all of us the last laugh because we got this.

29:05 Go, H.

29:07 Right?

29:08 The end of Dead Poets Society. Which, if I'm fair, I think it's fair to say that if you ever wanted to be a teacher, you probably wanted to be Mr. Keating. Am I right?

29:17 And that means you wanted to work for one solid year where you make.

29:19 A huge impression and then walk out like a boss.

29:24 Oh my god.

29:25 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I am so excited. I'm finally turned on enough now I think I can introduce our next comic. I try to have a gauge measuring moisture in my panties and until it reaches... a certain level, I can't introduce her. Friends, you know her. She was, of course, my very special guest for the Catherine the Great episodes. She has joined us here for Hilf Live one other time before, and she slayed. Please give a big round of applause to Kelly Verobe! Have you ever had a substantial sex injury that you had to go to work and be like, yeah, I... Because you don't want to be like, I was getting railed against the dresser.

30:13 I didn't mind at the time, but now I realize that I have a bruise the shape of a dresser drawer handle. No, but I did once once. wander the redwood forest with a horrible urinary tract infection.

30:28 Well, that counts.

30:29 Which counts. That counts. You know, those don't come from nowhere, so to speak. Those don't come from nowhere. I did want to mention from your rabid raccoon story, I also come from hillbilly people who love guns. How dare you. And one time my dad shot a snapping turtle. No way. It was in the pond. I was in third grade, and I was hosting a swimming party. It was the last.

30:53 Day of school.

30:54 And this turtle was like the hood of a car. It was huge. Huge.

30:58 And so my dad did what you do, and he climbed on the roof, and he shot it with a shotgun.

31:01 Yeah, obviously. And he went on the canoe, and he pulled it out, and he hammered its tail to a tree, cut its head off, let the blood drain into a bucket, because we are Polish, and that's called blood stew, and it's very apparently good. Now, again, when you're raised by these animals, you don't think that's unusual. So when your third grade class comes over for the swimming party, you go, come on. Come on. Look at this. Come, I want to show you something. Totally normal thing.

31:31 Headless, bleeding turtle.

31:34 But I wasn't done.

31:35 I was like, pretty gross, right? And they were like, yeah.

31:38 And I was like, watch this. No. Because the head, right, is still active.

31:45 For how long?

31:46 Well, for days.

31:48 What?

31:49 Days?

31:49 Snapping turtles. Listen, these fucks lived through so much. You know what I mean? They're dinosaurs. They're dinosaurs. The severed head is sitting in the grass. I take a shovel, like Dad taught me, and I tap the ground in front of it, and the severed head clamped onto the end of the shovel, right? Thought that was the best thing I'd ever done. My friends weren't as impressed as I thought. But my very best friend, Nicole, was her name.

32:19 Not that it's a name. It's a powerful name, Nicole. And she didn't see the head thing because she got there late. And I said, oh, you missed it. Well, it's okay. Come on.

32:28 And I took her to the tree.

32:29 The turtle's missing. Oh, my gosh. The headless turtle, drained of blood, had crawled about 15 yards into the field. it fell off the nail and crawled into the fucking grass it had been shot it had been shot with a shotgun it had its head cut off and drained of blood and was still like oh is that inspiring?

32:57 Dawn is your dad still living? yes that turtle is gonna fucking murder him he's going to die by that turtle's hand I feel like I should call him It's just waiting. It's time. It's just headless, just like holding its own head, just like outside, just like the day will come. You guys, I really want my dad to live a long time, but if he's going to go...

33:23 Then that's the way. That's the way. This is our third and final story of the worst day at work, okay? And all I'm going to tell you is the title of this historic instance is called The Two Butler Days. incident. Okay, this is from United States history 1939. Okay, AJ, go.

33:45 To the next slide.

33:46 All I'm going to tell you about the two Butler incident is that it involved a royal visit, the first royal visit to the United States since 1776. All right? The last king to come, we kicked to the fucking curb. It was real awkward.

34:07 You know what I mean?

34:08 So it was 1939, and King George VII and his wife, Queen Elizabeth, are in fucking America. They're in the United States, and it's our turn to host them. Holy fucking shit. So here's my question, knowing just that. What do you think the two butler incident is referring? The butler of the White House. Oh, you have a... I have multiple choices, but I love hearing everyone.

34:31 Here's my guess.

34:32 Butler of the White House, their butler, fell in love. The end. And it was a good, healthy marriage for a nice long time. The end.

34:45 God, I love your view of history. It's really beautiful.

34:50 It actually is probably close to option A. Option A is two butlers are caught doing it in an alcove. by one of the queen's ladies-in-waiting, thus the two-butler incident. Gosh, if you made that up, the detail of the alcove props.

35:05 Maybe I watch Bridgerton, maybe not.

35:06 Okay, B, the two-butler incident is two butlers, surprise, both arguing over who's the lead butler, and in the course of arguing, they leave the king and queen abandoned in a field. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

35:24 All right?

35:25 Or C, two different butlers each dropped enormous trays of food and drink in front of the king and queen. The two butler. God, I'm going to be left out in the middle of a field. What field? What field? Why? I want that to be the field so bad. There were a lot more fields, fewer buildings, more fields. Those two things come hand in hand, usually. Hey, George, we do pay to be jaded.

35:56 Oh, my gosh. I.

35:58 I.

35:59 Blurr. Two butler incident. I... Oh, gosh. They dropped two trays. That's exactly right! Give it up.

36:10 For Kelly!

36:12 Yay! So this is the first royal visit. Now, I already told you that the stakes are high as the United States, right? FDR and Eleanor are like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, we're the king and the queen, oh my God! Right, the king and the queen are here, it's a big deal, but it's also a big deal for George and Liz, right?

36:28 Because it's 1939, and Hitler, oh fuck, Hitler, right? Fuck us, Hitler, holy fuck, Hitler, right? He's, it's not like all the shit hasn't quite broken loose, but he did annex Austria, right? and we're really nervous over here right now. And we kind of feel like the Americans have been like, go fuck yourselves, kind of. You know what I mean? Which was, the American position was officially, we already did a world war and it wasn't great. Right?

37:05 And Berlin's awfully far from Oshkosh.

37:09 So, You know?

37:14 And you tried to colonize us. Don't think we forgot.

37:17 Shove it. So we think we're impressing the king and queen, but the king and queen are coming here like, please help us win World War II. I mean, or whatever this thing is that's starting.

37:28 We really need it.

37:29 So everyone's stakes are fucking up here, right? Stakes are very, very high. Now, I already told you that the butlers dropped the trays. So you know that this isn't exactly suspense. Why I love this story is I told you it's about the last laugh, right? So the first one that they dropped, okay? This is at dinner. Come with me.

37:51 You guys, we're all here.

37:52 We got to do this right.

37:53 We got the king and queen here.

37:54 We can't fuck this up.

37:56 Your job, okay, as a server is to give plates from the kitchen to this little in-between table. It's like second base, okay? Then there's another servant who takes it from that little table.

38:07 And puts it in front of the people, okay? So your job is.

38:11 Just get the middle, get these plates at the middle table, and then Jan fucking takes it to the fucking table. And I can't fuck this up because it's the goddamn king and it's the goddamn queen. Go to the next slide, AJ. Look at what these cunts are wearing. Look at this little hat. You know what I mean? And everyone's important.

38:30 It's not just FDR.

38:31 It's FDR's mom and his wife.

38:34 You know what I mean?

38:34 Look at Eleanor's fucking over it.

38:36 She's like... You know what I mean? Yeah. oh god she's got this purse fucking empty purse she's got to carry everything and.

38:46 You're just like I don't want to make Eleanor mad at me and then and you're going and you know and they told you don't put more than.

38:51 Five plates on there don't put more than five plates on there don't put five and as you're bringing the ninth plate you go oh that's one two three four the entire table collapses all the food All the blades. And the King and Queen of Britain, President of the United States, President Obama, President's wife, Prime Minister of Canada, all go... And you're like.

39:40 Right?

39:41 Okay.

39:43 Now here's the one, where's my CSUNs? Where's my CSUNs?

39:46 This one's for your PhD.

39:48 Okay. The tension is high, okay? Sarah Roosevelt, this is FDR's old ass mom, breaks the tension saying something that makes everybody laugh, okay? The question is, what does she say? Is it A, oh shit. B, I hope mine's okay. Or C, Pretend the dog did it. Sarah Roosevelt for the win, right? I think we can all agree, whatever it is, it's great. But what did our tremendous, what do you call the mother of the president? The first tits, first lady's vagina, first vagina. We'll workshop that. What do you think she said? I think maybe me. I hope mine's okay. That's exactly what she said.

40:51 That's exactly what she said.

40:56 Now, you have a choice between tickets to a stand-up comedy class, a koozie, or a hat. So, I'm going to go for the hat because I have a koozie. That's just, I give it to everybody I make out with.

41:09 It's not.

41:12 Will you pass this back, please, to the doctor, the good doctor, to be... Dr. V, congratulations. Exactly right. Sarah Roosevelt was like, oh, shit, mine's okay.

41:25 And everybody laughed, right?

41:30 Broke the tension, calms things down, loosens up everyone's course a little bit.

41:34 We started to have real dialogue, okay?

41:37 The second tray goes down after dinner. This one is my favorite because this incident, the two-butt incident, is rather well-reported. Okay, and so there's a lot of very colorful descriptions of this after dinner one, okay? So you can imagine the butler who did the plate thing was just like, fuck! And probably the rest of them were like, yeah, shit, they're probably gonna kill you. They're probably gonna fucking kill you and eat you at the next dinner, you loser, you know what I mean? But this next crash was even more spectacular because it's champagne, champagne glasses, and dessert.

42:17 And this butler.

42:18 Was in motion, okay?

42:20 This one was not a table, went down.

42:22 They were moving, okay?

42:24 Tripped. And went down. And here's the best description.

42:28 It's from a gal who was there named Grace Tully.

42:31 She says, quote, It was as if the tray had been hurtled into space.

42:37 And the butler bounced after it like a ball player sliding into second base.

42:51 Oh, my God. And the king and the queen and the president and the president's mom and the president's wife and the prime minister of Canada are like, Okay? And this time they laugh again. But this time, the line that sets everybody off comes from the king himself. And I will remind you, this is the stuttering. This is the king's speech, king. Okay?

43:23 So for him to squeeze.

43:24 Out a punchline.

43:25 Good.

43:28 Job, George.

43:29 All right?

43:31 So what did he say? This one's for you, Jesus. You can't come in a week late and say you did it either. You have to do it right now.

43:38 All right. The king makes a joke. What does he say?

43:41 Does he say, A, that's two. What's next? B, is this an American custom? Or C, should we order out? How does King George set the table laughing?

44:12 That's two.

44:12 What's next? Is this an American custom?

44:14 Or should we say A?

44:16 You want to say A, because it's the least funny, right?

44:17 That's exactly what he said. But it was funny enough. It was funny enough.

44:23 Right?

44:24 That's two.

44:32 Right?

44:34 They laughed, exactly. And as we know, it is laughter that cools everybody down, gets everybody chilled out. And after this night of disasters and laughing from the disasters, the next meal that they eat together, go ahead, AJ.

44:50 FDR cooks hot dogs.

44:56 I'm not kidding.

45:04 Oh, thanks again to Flappers Comedy Club and all the folks who were there live. And if you're just like, man, I hate feeling like I can't see the whole thing.

45:15 But I also live.

45:16 In New Zealand, so I'm not going to be able to come to the live show.

45:19 Well, guess what?

45:20 Patrons... Get the full fly on the wall video version of the show beginning to end just for being Patreon subscribers. So you can travel back in time to see the whole show live.

45:37 In a way.

45:38 Information for how you can make it to the live shows and become a Patreon subscriber are all in the show notes. In the meantime, let's hear it for the creator of our theme songs. composed and performed by the incomparable Kat Perkins. If you've seen me on TikTok, and more and more of you have, by Jove, you can thank the contributions of the able Abby Albin for that.

46:03 Until next time, this has been Hilf. History, I'd like to fuck with Don Brody. I'm Don Brody, reminding you that history is a party, and everybody's coming.

46:16 It's on! Bye. Bye.