How to Kill Your Old Self: Storytime of My Reinvention + Practical Tools to Do It

0:00 Hi, I'm Bella Dane and this is How to Stop Being a Loser, where I chat about things I'm absolutely not qualified to talk about, but I'm randomly very interested in. I do my best to learn from industry professionals, and based what I share on as much science evidence and real life lessons as possible. Hey y'all! Welcome back to another episode of How to Stop Being a Loser. It's Halloween, which is arguably my favorite day of the entire year. I'm so excited! Um, so I wanted to show you this bonus episode called How to Kill Your Old Self.

0:35 So I wanted to do this episode. It's gonna be more of a story time because I talk a lot about personal branding, how to be obsessed with yourself, personal identity. But I think the biggest question that I get when I make content like that is, well, can you give us an example about you and maybe real life example? And so that's what this episode is kind of going to be is how I have created a version of myself that I really, really love and not necessarily killed my old self. But I am an extremely different person than I was in high school. And then probably my sophomore year of college, I would say I had another pretty big metamorphosis.

1:18 And then maybe my senior year of college, I would say also, or maybe at post college, I've had three specific times in my life that I feel I've really changed and developed as an individual. That has propelled me more towards this version of myself today that I really, really love, and how I did that, because I think so many of us feel stuck. I'm going to try and not make this as sciency. This is a lot of neuroplasticity and that sort of repetitive rewiring. But I'm going to give you sort of practical tools of things that I did like. What did I actually do? What did I actually write down. And me personally to sort of create this version of myself that I really love. So how to kill your old self and work towards creating a version of

2:05 yourself that you love and, you know, being really obsessed with yourself. So let's get into it. I'm trying to keep this about me and not give you all as much advice, which is odd because I don't really do this, so let me just start there. So when I was a child growing up, I had very, very little structure and stability. I didn't really have a foundation, a solid like home to come back to or to tell me who I was. And that's why I value it so much today is because, like, I moved homes ten times before I turned 16, the longest I've ever lived anywhere was two years, and it was my apartment before I lived in this house with my best friend and roommate, Taylor. And when you move around that much and you don't have that sense of

2:54 groundedness, you don't have family dinners. It's deeper than that, though. It's even like we didn't have a religion that we followed. We didn't have sort of a culture or even an esthetic. And that's that word sounds superficial, but it's come to play a very powerful role in my life and a very potent thing that I teach, because I believe in establishing an esthetic for your life and for yourself, because I think it gives you groundedness and stability so that you can branch off and do things with the conviction that you know who you are. So my parents divorced when I was seven, and there was just a lot of financial.

3:34 Hmm. I dealt with a lot of family drama. Growing up, there was a lot of financial burdens. There was a lot of job instability. My neither my parents went to college, and they're both very successful now. But at the time of the divorce, like it was 2008. And so the stock market crashed and they just bought a new house. And the divorce was beyond ugly. And there were a lot of moving parts and a lot of awful things that happened, and a lot of people dying. I think that also played into the lack of stability is I had a lot of death Halloween. I had a lot of death in my family that I experienced at a younger age, that I think most people anticipate to experience that. So, like I had, uh, you know, all of a lot of aunts and uncles die, grandparents die, a lot of

4:26 addiction, a lot of alcoholism and drug addiction that just caused a lot of instability in my life. And so my parents dealing with that with their siblings, other family members. Um, financial stress. So, um, but we all go through things and I have an amazing relationship with my parents now. But growing up, it was it was hard, you know, but my mom was very clever. And even when she couldn't really afford to have us living somewhere like, stable, she was really clever. And so she would house it and she would move us into, like, these really nice homes. And we'd only be there for a couple of months, but we would house it while people were gone or on trips, and we would we bounced around and did that and just like stayed with people in between. But that was a

5:12 really clever thing that she did anyways. So that's the lack of stability is you just I just always kind of felt like I was living out of a suitcase and there wasn't any, you know, I didn't have any, any groundedness, any sense of like, oh, we're a, you know, we're a southern family or we're a Jewish family or we're a conservative family or we're really fun family. There was kind of none of that. And also all of that, like my parents were really cool, but they were older. Um, they weren't they had kids a lot later in life because they didn't really think it would be their thing. My parents are very entrepreneurial, creative people, and we definitely had a more. I had way too much autonomy growing up, which they would agree with me on this. I didn't have a lot of

5:55 rules or boundaries. I was alone a lot, and that just led to me having great character, having a strong work ethic and and a lot of independence. But it also led me to being really anxiously attached to my friends, because I felt like I didn't have that sense of familial community around me. I looked for that in my friends, and I was never, ever boy crazy. I was friend crazy. So I was very, you know, always checking my text for my friends, always making sure that my friends loved me and wanted to be around me. And I didn't prioritize boys at all. Like, I didn't even entertain the idea of a boyfriend until I was like 21. Um, and even then, like, I found myself prioritizing my friendships over my romantic

6:47 relationship like to a fault. So it just manifested itself in me in that way. And that's when I became so passionate about personal branding. I think maybe it's a overused term. A personal brand is not just like the kind of clothes that you wear, or the esthetic that you want to live your life with. It's really who you are as an individual, and I believe. Well, no. I mean, the truth is confidence comes from two things. One of them is competence. The other is having a really strong sense of who you are as an individual, and a really strong understanding of who you are. I think when you are given that, when you're given the structure and the stability and the groundedness of a family or a home or a

7:37 culture, or a religion or a tradition or something to come back to, you have roots established in some capacity. You know, you can kind of always find your way back home when you don't have that. I think it's kind of like for me, it felt like, okay, sink or swim, like you're gonna either have to give this, you're gonna have to figure out how to give this to yourself, which I'd never heard anybody talk about before. Or you're going to be kind of floundering for your whole life, not knowing who you are and kind of being a little bit of everything. And I really needed that structure in that sense of conviction. So I wanted to give some context into why I'm so passionate about that and how I sort of developed this, like personal branding, self-identity, self-concept

8:21 method that has made me, I think, a very grounded person. And even though I still struggle with it, sometimes I look at myself five years ago, ten years ago, and how much I have changed and evolved and grown into this person that I love. I feel like I really, really know who am I, who I am, and I like myself. But the thing is, that's a. amalgamation of decisions that I've made and work that I've done, which I will explain what I did, but I'm trying to stay on track with the story time. It's hard for me to not just go into like advice, but I do think this will be helpful. Maybe.

8:57 Maybe the advice is just the story. So yeah, even though I was really close, my parents didn't have siblings. And so like throughout high school, I. I did not understand that when you make a friend, it's not necessarily like a friend for life. And I had a really, really challenging time wrapping my head around that and being emotionally okay with that.

9:21 I think the same way you see a lot of girls doing that, I shouldn't say girls, a lot of people doing that with romantic partners. I was looking for that same sort of companionship and stability and partnership and like, sense of a team in, um, friends. And so I had so many parties at my house. I was always texting in the group chat. I was always responsive. I never said no to anything in high school because I was lonely and because I wanted a sense of family that I didn't have. So.

9:59 I had a lot of parties, and I invited a lot of people over, and I would buy anyone anything they wanted. I would say yes to anyone. I had no boundaries because I was desperate for friends and for friendships and for companionship. I just wanted that so bad. Which is why I realized now, like, I want to have multiple kids and I want to have a big family and I really value my home. Investing in my home makes me feel really grounded and stable. Um, and just having roots established and having a strong sense of of self. So. And it's funny because I don't think anyone would know that about me. Like I was such a I think if you asked anyone in high school that was the same age as me. Maybe the older adults could see right through this, but I think most of

10:46 my friends would say, oh my gosh, she's always known exactly who she is, and she's always been so confident and so outspoken. I was confident for sure, and I had a lot of traits that I would like, but they were always things that I had. I would like watch TV show and a lot of people can relate to this. I'd watch TV show, I'd go, wow, I love that character. I think I could play that, and so then I will just show up and act like that. And I think a lot of people do that. And what they're realizing, what the disconnect is, is that's not a bad thing. It's just you're not aiming it correctly. So it's misguided. Instead of acting like them, you need to ask yourself, why do I want to act like that? What is it about them versus someone else that I'm so

11:32 inspired by, that I'm so interested in that I admire so much? What are those traits in them and then. And I have a whole episode on this, so I won't get too in the weeds about this, about my personal branding episode, but it's about looking at those traits and going, okay, clearly there's something about that that's lighting me up. The next thing is understanding. The only reason why you would be able to recognize those traits in someone else is because you yourself possess them. You would not be able to recognize them if you didn't possess them. And that's why when you see someone with a sense of humor that you just don't get, or you see someone doing something and you're like, I can't understand for the life of me why someone would ever make that

12:16 decision, why someone would ever want to do that. Like, what a weirdo. I don't get it. I'm lost. It's because you don't have that trait. You don't have that sense of humor. You don't have that. Yeah, you don't have that personality trait. So I was always in the same. High school, which really, really helped. If I, if I wasn't in the same high school, I switched schools one time. Um, I went from a private Montessori school to a public school. A lot of money changes, as I'm sure you can probably tell. It was a very spasmodic thing with money. So growing up we had we were, you know, pretty well off. And then just this absolute nightmare happened and my parents made some decisions I wouldn't make. But also,

13:07 just when you have addicts in your family, it's something that you can't understand unless you experience it. Like the lack of stability that creates and not being an enabler. Like when you have someone in your family that you really love that is an addict, saying no to helping them is the best thing you can do for them. And it's the hardest thing you'll ever do, and it makes you feel like, I mean, it is debilitating. And so I think that was a big, big thing in my childhood and that caused a lot of damage, was addiction. I'm very familiar with it, and it's a very unpredictable. Well, to some degree it creates a lot of uncertainty. And when you grow up in an uncertain environment where you always feel like you have

13:54 to be kind of on guard because you're afraid of getting emotionally hijacked and you're afraid of something just popping up and hijacking you. You it tends to turn into anxious attachment, because what you think would soothe that is them being present all the time. You need constant reassurance. You need them to, um, you need to kind of always know what they're doing and what they're thinking and what they're feeling, because that would you think that will eliminate that uncertainty? It's a control thing. It's funny because I don't experience this in my romantic relationships at all. I never have, and I don't know if it's because my dad always treated me really well and taught me about dating and how a boy should treat me. He always want me flowers and

14:39 took me on little dates and stuff, so I just don't know if that association. No, I do know. I think that association and the anxious, anxious attachment developed with my friends and my social circle because the unpredictability wasn't coming from like a man, it was coming from the unit itself. It was coming from the family unit itself. So I think I associated the potential threat with that group of community. And so I was really looking for stability in any other community that I could find. And I think that's why, um, I have such a strong identity now is because I've created it and it's something that's like very vehemently me. And that's what taught me that your personality is not real. It's something that

15:26 you're creating and concocting, and you can decide if you can decide how much you like yourself. You can decide which traits you're leading your decisions with and the way that you communicate with. Um, so yeah, like I went through a phase where I was like, I'm gonna move to LA and I'm going to be in LA, like Tumblr girl, and I'm going to be a surfer girl. And I painted my room blue, and I was obsessed with the ocean. And I would always talk about it, and it was great. And I teach a lot of that in my I used to teach, um, personal branding and like self-identity and confidence, I would teach some of those same principles. They were just misguided and they were extreme. And I would go through different phases all the time, and I would take on so much of what

16:10 I saw my friends doing it and how they acted and what I thought. And I remember, okay, the girls I was friends with in high school, they were, and I'm sure still are, good people, but misaligned with me, at least, the person that I am now. I remember in high school having this experience, there was this girl and she was captain of the drill team. She was dating a football player, and I think she was valedictorian, and she was in theater, and she was just this, like All-American girl. And she was beautiful and so kind and so accomplished. And she just seemed healthy and like she had her shit together. And she seemed set up for success in her life.

17:02 And I remember being like, I went home to my mom and that that was not who I was. Okay, let's just say that that was not who I was in high school. I was always a very hard worker, and I was always smart. And you could tell in the way that I spoke, but I made terrible grades. I was I was doing drugs. What I was doing, I was doing drugs, I was partying, and I was obsessed with being popular and getting people to want to be around me because of all those things that I just said.

17:29 Um, and my friends, I think a lot of my friends were similar, and that's fine, because we're all fine now and everyone's happy now, I hope I am, but I remember seeing that girl who was so diametrically opposite to me and being like, I think she is fucking cool. Like, I think she's a rock star. And I took like a drill team prep class, like a dance prep class. And I was like, maybe I should get pacesetter. Like, maybe I should. That's what it was called at my high school. I was like, maybe I should like, dance. And I remember I was good, but those girls were such good girls, and I was like a fucking train wreck. And so I was like, well, I'm not gonna do that. Like, whatever. And now that I'm older, I look back and I go, wow, I'm so glad that I paid attention to that

18:16 and paid attention to what my heart was telling me, which is that those those traits are like speaking to you for some reason. Like those kinds of women are lighting you up because that is within you. And so it's about allowing yourself to carry yourself and lead with the traits that inspire you instead of feeling like, well, that's not who I am. And well, you make it up, even making it up the entire time, whether you know it or not. Um, and sometimes that just takes time. But I remember I went home to my mom and I was like, I think that this girl is so cool and I want to be like her. And it was the first time in my life where I felt inspired to, like, make good grades and try out for things. And it's weird, like, I was a cheerleader, I did theater, I had a job, I'd been

18:59 working since I was 15. I was very hardworking and very ambitious, but I had very clearly established this decision that I was not this archetype, this, like classy, sophisticated, um. Like cleaned up girl. And I remember in college, someone described me as rough around the edges, And I was like, ouch! Like, that sucks to hear. And then I realized it's probably true. And if I don't like that, then change it.

19:32 There's plenty of people that I might say are rough around the edges that are some of the best people that I know. Maybe it's not the best way to put it, but it's really about a personal preference. And like, you know, deciding what I've just had those experiences throughout my life that I wanted to share with you guys about how my my opinion and relationship with personality is so salient in my life and shows up a lot in my life, and I think it plays a lot to my passion and interest in neuroplasticity, which is that we can rewire and change the brain to kind of be whoever we want. And I think the science being there so strongly is so reaffirming that we're able to do that. So that was sort of my experience in high school, and I did not think I was going to

20:19 go to college. My parents in gone to college and my I had one parent that was very against me going to college because. So my dad was both my parents were very entrepreneurial, but my dad especially was a true, true, true entrepreneur and I think saw a lot of those qualities in me, which really he was fucking right and a lot of creative qualities in me. And he thought that going to college would be sort of an expensive endeavor when I wasn't showing signs of academic interest, which totally understand where he was coming from. My mom, on the other hand, had such a hard time not having her degree. It was one of her biggest regrets and she was like, I will put this child in college if it is the last thing I do. And she meant it like she meant it. I remember her saying, over my dead body,

21:17 will she not go to college, and it's not that either of them are right or wrong, but it was clearly something not looking back that I needed. I needed it so badly. Going to college was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I don't say that lightly. I think it was 100% worth the investment. I don't think that's true for everyone. I think it's a little unorthodox for me to say, considering I don't actively use my degree now, but I did. So the people I was hanging out with in high school and sort of who I was in high school was extremely different from the person that I ended up becoming in college. And those girls verbalized that they did not like who I was becoming. Um, and that's okay. But

22:04 it was the happiest I'd been and the most confident I'd been in my personality and the most like myself I'd ever felt. And so that's okay that they didn't like it because I liked it. And I just think in high school I was a much more. Yeah. Just ask your person. In a way, that's the best word that I can think of to describe it, because I truly don't have any like mal intent with how I'm describing it. I don't want to offend. There's nothing to offend. But anyways, I want to have a more classic college experience. I really wanted that SEC experience. I'd always loved the sense of groundedness that, like the South gave me and having those more traditional yeah, just experiences in like way of living and lifestyle. I liked that, and I found so much value

22:57 in that because I didn't have it. Um, and I think what I'm trying to say is that throughout high school, I had those I had these random experiences where my body or my brain or my heart or something was telling me, hey, like, this is what's really going to make you happy. Like, this is a trait that you have. This is like these are things that you value. And so I think when I decided to go to college at Arkansas and I decided to join a sorority and get really involved on campus, it was something that I guess maybe the people I was hanging out with was not what my high school friends expected of me. I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do. I knew I liked the entertainment industry. So like I applied to film school, San Diego State, I like was I'd been an actor for most

23:46 of my life and I was like, I'll go major in sports management and then maybe go to law school or maybe be like a sports and entertainment agent. Then I started influencing and I really liked it while I was bartending, so I bartend. And then I ended up working for Loxton. I was actually working for arborea, which is the Korean branch of L'Occitane, the skincare company that you all know like the Loxton Almond Shower Oil. I worked for them for two years in influencing in PR, which is great because it helped me so much in my career. Now having experience on the brand side of things.

24:20 So that was really helpful. Then I worked corporate for. An architecture company? No no, no. Then I bartend again because I couldn't get a job. I burnt it again at a country club in Dallas, and then I got picked up by the CFO of an architecture firm, and I worked there for about a year, and then I quit to do influencing full time. So that's kind of my journey. Then I went to law school, applied to law school, said I didn't want to go to law school. I don't know what I'm doing now. We're doing this podcast now. Yeah, I would say when I went to college and I was able to experiment with different people and lifestyles and classes, I really figured out what clicks for me and what doesn't click for me, not only in terms

25:11 of how I'm going to shape my environment and what I'm interested in, but how that actually shapes who I am on the inside and my personality as well. And it was great. I found so much of myself and created so much of myself through what I found through my college experience. So I would say going into college that first year, I. Was very it's so tough to explain myself because I've always been a hard worker. I've always been extremely ambitious and driven and fiery, but I never made good grades, and I think that's probably because I was okay. Like my childhood, my relationship with education is an interesting one.

26:01 Same with personality, which is hilarious because that's the two things that I teach the most. Now go figure. Select. My dad would get me up at like 5 a.m. every morning before school and play educational videos in front of me, National Geographic. Again, conspiracy theories, um, geopolitics, theology, biology, a lot of ancient history, a lot of archeology. Like, you name it, I have a very, very long relationship with self-education.

26:33 But then he. I think because of that, when you become such a seeker of knowledge and education, I think at the time this was a lot of like the 2000 New Atheism movement. And I'm not really getting into religion here, but there was a lot of this questioning of traditionalism, traditional classroom, traditional education system. There was a lot of that going on. It was a very trendy thing to do, and there was a lot of people saying, you know, we need an education reform. And I think obviously we still do. I'm not saying that, but I think, um, my dad was was a very firm believer in that and at one time wanted to homeschool me, which would have been awful for me. And he was just obsessed with learning the way that I am. And I think at that time there was a lot of opinions getting thrown

27:27 out. And so I was having this relationship with with learning, where on one hand, I'm experiencing a lot of information and a lot of learning through videos. I'm, you know, having my brain primed to be someone who's extremely curious. And on the other hand, I'm getting told that this traditional classroom setting is the antithesis of that which I disagree. And it's funny. I think my dad would disagree now, too, but at the time it was just a different perspective.

27:55 And this was years and years ago, 15 years ago, ten years ago. And so I always performed quite poorly in school. I mean, my attendance rate was like 80%. Like, it was really, really bad. I didn't want to go, but there were times where, like, I was an AP US history or no, I was an AP world history, and it was my favorite class. At the beginning of the semester, I had like a 90 pretty good grade I. It was all, um, presentation based. And so I would love getting up there and doing these like really cool presentations where I could explain history and give you, you know, the sort of story. I've always loved storytelling in a way that was engaging and funny and entertaining, very similar to what I do now with y'all, with science. And so that was my favorite class, and I did. I

28:42 actually did quite well without having to try very hard. I mean, I failed every lightning assignment I had to turn in, but on the exams and the presentations, I did quite well. And then like the second semester, I just got like a 56 or something I didn't do well, I think my average I ended up passing, but things like that. So that's kind of how I operated. At the same time, I was always waitressing. I was always working in babysitting. I was a nanny. Like, I was super entrepreneurial, but I just didn't have the motivation to. Just sort of do things to set you up for success in a traditional way. Like making good grades. Like spending time with family. Like, I didn't have that, I guess sort of those classic things that you think of when you think of like

29:28 someone who is well rounded and put together and set up for success and on the track and on a good track. And like just a good girl, I always felt like a bad egg. Like, I just always felt like there was something wrong with me and I wasn't deserving of that kind of personality. I guess this is tough for me to explain, and I find I'm very, very rarely at a loss for words, but this is like tough for me to articulate, So hopefully someone finds an interesting Halloween. Boo! It's fucking scary. I'm not able to explain this very well. Um, so yeah, I think I just never, never saw myself as that archetype. And then when I got to college, I realized maybe that is a possibility for me. You know, you get the chance to kind of start over meeting new people. Here's an

30:23 opportunity for me to make good grades and here's an opportunity for make for me to, um, get involved in school and feel like I'm just on a healthy, like, mentally healthy, financially healthy track. I was, you know, really, really changing who I was. And I'm so, so, so happy that I did. That's sort of how I evolved and changed. And the things that I did, like practical tools that I did was I started taking note of who in my life. When I look back and now do I find myself going? Wow, that's a really cool person like that girl. Probably would be a girl or a woman or a fear boy. Probably. Well, I guess it doesn't matter. Whatever traits that you look at someone and you go, wow, that person is awesome. I'm

31:14 obsessed with them. That person is a badass, or I want to be like them. You know that. It's admiration. What is it specifically about that person that is lighting you up? Like truly, truly taking stock and taking note of it? And I would write it down. A lot of this is journaling and self reflecting. Handwriting is a great, great, great way to do this. And there's a lot of science why it's so effective behind why it's so effective. So I would write okay this person it's not like confident. No. How do they like walk into a room. How do they communicate really taking the time to dig deeper and figure that out. Then recognizing I have those within me, what would it look like if I started leading my life like that? And what I did is I started

32:00 and I kind of started like zoomed in and then I zoomed out. So at first it was just about me and my relationship with myself, like habits. If I had this trait of someone who was like, elegant and cleaned up and classy and not rough around the edges, what would my skincare routine look like? What would my nighttime routine look like? What would my morning routine look like? What would life look like, and what would my energy feel like when I'm alone? The thing that I experienced, and I know so many other people experience, is when you're trying to sort of reinvent yourself, you feel like, oh, well, I'm going to do this alter ego, or I'm going to walk into the room and I'm gonna, I'm gonna act like this person. And then you sort of put on this facade.

32:38 It's bullshit. And you know that it's bullshit because the brand has such a great bullshit detector. You. It's because you don't know who you are when you're alone. So when you know who you are, when you're alone, you know what your energy feels like. When you're alone. Then that's you all the time. Of course we change and we pivot and we filter out things depending on who we're around and the rooms that we're in. But if you know that you are a like, cleaned up, classy, well-spoken, confident, charismatic, empathetic woman when you're alone, then that's who you are when you walk into the room and when you're around other people too.

33:15 It shouldn't be fake. It's very important for you to buy what you're selling, or no one else is going to either. And morally, you're not going to either. And you're going to know that you're you're putting on this facade when you're in public. And so I learned all of this and taught all of this to myself through I mean, this has been the greatest lesson of my life. It has been the most salient lesson of my life and, and plays such a role in everything about my life, my success. And when I say success, I don't just mean with my career. It's truly the success of liking myself. So starting with those habits and figuring out who I am when I'm alone. Big thing for me is my space and my home and, you know, superficial things like, what color would I

34:01 be if I was a color? What's my interior design style? Down to really deep things and having a really deep understanding of who I am. And you know, what are my fears? What are my weaknesses? What do I really value? What's significant to me? Those kinds of things. So getting really, really clear on that and then starting to implement and lead with those traits, with something as small as your morning routine and how you make your coffee in the morning. And then eventually, you know, we would want that behavior to be automatic and become your default behavior because that's who you are. It's not that you're pretending to be someone that you're not, it's that your personality is just it's not real. It's just not. It's something that you have complete control

34:43 over and you've had complete control over the whole time. So I think being someone who's able to pretty ruthlessly edit that until you are someone that you really like and love, and that includes accepting the things about yourself that aren't perfect. Like learning to love all of you the way that you would want to partner, to love all of you. You know what I mean? You wouldn't want a partner to go well, she like. I think one of my weaknesses is I'm overconfident in myself and others. I'm like a serial optimist, and I always think things are going to work out, and I think I can do this, and da da da da. I also think I'm obsessive. Um, and so something like that. I would never want to partner to go, well, she's, you know, a little obsessed with optimizing her health and her

35:27 career. And I just don't know if she if I really like her. You would never want someone to say that about you. So don't say about yourself. Like you can love all of those aspects about yourself. Having weaknesses is a part of the human experience. It's not something that you get out of. Everyone has them. You can either choose to love them and work with them, work on them, or or let it, like push you down, I guess. But like, there's no reason why. If I wanted to be someone who was more classic and more traditional, like me, bringing out those traits within myself and leading my life in that way, there's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing fake about it. There's nothing. There's no room for a judgment there. I mean, I think you can be anyone that you want to be, and you shouldn't

36:13 let anyone tell you differently. So that's kind of what I started doing, was I started really small with my habits, you know, little things like the way that I dress and the way that I design my room or clean my room or the music that I listen to like just little things. And it's subtle. It doesn't have to be this whole reinvention of who I am, but that process allowed me to start going, wow, like, I'm actually having so much fun. And I actually am really proud of of the persona that I emit and the charisma that I admit when I'm, You know, in the right rooms. Like when I walk into a classroom, I'm not afraid to go talk to the teacher anymore because I don't think, well, they already think I'm a loser because I don't think I'm a loser, you know? So that's the that's truly

36:59 what built my confidence so much was being like, I really like and respect who I am and therefore I expect other people to. So there's that. But also if someone doesn't, I know that I like myself and that's where I have control over. And so that's kind of why it, um, is so good at handling rejection. So that's kind of how I, how I did it. I use Pinterest boards a lot, I use vision boards a lot, and I journal a lot. And the question I find myself returning to often in this process is like when I do my monthly sort of refresh reset, I will ask myself, like, what do I want this month to feel like? That's a question that sort of forces you to dig deep and find specific words and qualities that you have to really work to

37:49 establish. Same thing with. Like, what do I want my energy to feel like? Can you actually establish. What your energy feels like when you're alone and you know. Can you develop it to be someone you don't feel like? Oh, I love your energy. I love being around you. If you don't like spending time with yourself, it's because you're in bad company and you have to spend the time alone to develop that. That's how you kill your old self, is you focus more on this new sort of version in these new traits and these new qualities that you just prefer to lead with. It's not fake. It's not being something that you're not. You've had them within you the whole time. It's just making that conscious decision to, um, really, I guess what you're doing from a neuroscience

38:35 perspective is you're just deliberately redirecting your attention to those traits and deciding that those are going to be more significant. So it's not that like I'm really killing my old self, but I'm making the parts of me that I like the best, the most significant in my perception. Perception is like a spotlight. That's how your brain sees it. And having attentional bias toward those things, I think, just makes you a much happier person and a version of yourself that you really like. So I remember I. I deliberately started like making better grades. I started, you know, getting up earlier, I stopped. I mean, it sounds silly and this isn't like, I think a lot of people are going to be judgmental about this.

39:23 There's nothing behind this beyond personal preference. And I still like, cuss in my videos and stuff, but I started swearing a lot less. I started prioritizing the way that I articulate myself. I started changing the way that I drink and getting smarter about the way that I drink. I stopped doing drugs, I. started leaning more into my femininity. I think that was a big thing because I was always feminine, but I was never really girly. And I would say I'm still like that. But allowing myself to enjoy things that I thought maybe people would think was dumb before, like little things. It sounds really silly, but something as simple as like buying a fucking floral plate or teacup for myself. Like, that might sound silly and

40:09 insignificant, but to me and to your brain, it's just reinforcing. Like, you know, if you want to do this thing, like you can like, this can be a part of who you are. My design style and I started allowing myself to get excited about things that I thought were cool. Like, I think, you know, I remember in college I was like, I think tailgating is cool. I think going and hanging out with these specific people and being really involved in my sorority is cool. I think making good grades is cool. I think being a part of, you know, this organization is cool. And so I'm going to do things that I think are cool, even if other people don't. And that's really shaped who I am and how I act now. Um, another thing I did am I sort of journaling?

40:53 I mean, I would journal all the time. Like, it was. It was. So much like there was one time where I had to reinvent myself. Maybe the second time it was because I was going through. The worst. Heartbreak of my life. So my ex and I of five years broke up two years ago, and I don't have a single bad thing to say about him. We had a great relationship, but two years before he broke up with me and it was, oh my God, I was actually heartbroken, I was devastated, and I grew so much from that. And a big thing that I would do is I would get up and I would journal every single morning, every single morning, and I would just write down wellness morning routine, and then I would write the routine down. I would journal about. Here's how

41:43 I would describe myself. Here's how I want the month of April to go. Um, how I would describe my personal style night routine, studying routine, mundane routine, Sunday reset routine, skincare routine. And what I was doing is obsessing over designing my own life and being the architect of my own life and making sure that I was loving it and I was having the best time doing it. Um, romanticizing your life is overused and it's or it's over said, and it's underused. Are you really doing it because you're winging buying a coffee and going, oh yeah, I'm. I'm trying this drink. That's not romanticizing your life. Are you taking the time to go, wow, I'm going to make this a whole experience for myself because I want my life to

42:33 feel like the best, most interesting, most fun, or most calm or most peaceful, whatever. My favorite movie I've ever watched. And I'm the director of that. What would that look like? And so I would just write and, like, design my life, and I would use Pinterest boards and I would have a Pinterest board, and I still do this for everything. If I have an event coming up, my skincare routine, my diet, I have a Pinterest board full of just food and like esthetic cute healthy recipes. I have a fall recipe board. I have a Halloween decorating board, personal style board, makeup board. Like get inspired about your own life. There's no reason why you shouldn't be someone you're absolutely obsessed with. There's no reason why you shouldn't be someone that

43:16 inspires you. You got to be inspired and lit up by your own life. Like, it should be exciting to live your life and to be you. And I did it so much that even me going to buy a lip gloss was an exciting experience. Because it's my fucking life. Why wouldn't I be excited about it? What am I gonna get excited about? Something else? Like, seriously, this is this is what I did.

43:41 And it worked for me so, so well. And I would engage in really long periods of thought. And I still do this. I do this every day now, because it's made such a big difference in my life and given me the ability to think in a different way. I would go on walks. I still walk every day to an stimulated walk every day, sit there and stare out the window and allow yourself to daydream and ruminate and contemplate. Sometimes we're just not giving ourself the time to think about those things, to think about my life, to think about who I am, to think about my personality, to contemplate if the only time that you're doing that is when you're also trying to scroll or read or watch a movie or clean, you need to be bored. You need to allow yourself to just get in there. And

44:32 I remember becoming so addicted to it. Like, I would get really excited about those periods where, um, I could just think and I could just be in my head. And I'm a very pensive person. But I believe introspection is such a key. To quote, killing your old self and rebirthing yourself. You have to fucking think about it and sit with it and contemplate it and, well, how does that feel?

44:55 And, you know, you don't want to do it to the point of, um, overthinking an obsession. It should be a positive, healthy experience. And if you ever feel like it's it's holding you back and it's having negative effects instead of propelling you forward in a positive way, there's balance there that needs to exist. But I remember doing that a lot. A lot of journaling, a lot of designing my own life, writing down everything, mood boarding everything, optimizing everything.

45:23 And I really found a lot of peace in that. And so I think that's all I have for you for this episode. I hope someone found it enlightening or relatable. I always like hearing story times, so although they feel weird for me, I hope. I hope you guys liked it. So now we're gonna hear from some of our callers and get into our next segment. The Gold line.

45:49 Hi! I absolutely love your podcast. It got me out of such a rut and like, I can't even express to you. Oh. Anyways, my question that I have genuinely been dying to ask you, which kind of sounds silly now that I'm now asking. It all sounds silly anyways, and it's so cool that now I can actually ask it. But how do you feel about video games? My boyfriend plays so much video games, so many video games all the time, so often. And I am such an anti-technology girl. Okay, I'm an art history major. I am. So sit down, read a book, do a craft, do art, do anything but be on technology anyways. So it's like the yin and yang relationship. But I just want to know, like scientifically, how you feel about video games and how they affect you. Because I also took a oh,

46:50 that's already okay. I also took, um, in college, a um, literature class about video games. So, like, I know that there is a lot of art and cool aspects to video games, but I just want to know what you think. Anyways, love you, love you. Okay, so I'm not very well versed in video games, but when you said that and what I was looking up while you were asking that, there is something you should follow. Doctor K. Doctor. Alok.

47:21 Kanno. Jia I'm sorry, I'm butchering that doctor K this man, he's. I think his Instagram is healthy gamer. He used to have severe gaming behaviors in college, and now he talks a lot about gaming and how it can actually be a really great psychological and neurochemical tool and a source of fun. Um, as long as it's obviously not rooted in like, addiction or developing into an addiction. So I would absolutely recommend following him and taking advice from him. He's fantastic. His episode on diary of a CEO. Unbelievable. His episode on Modern Wisdom is so good. Um, I would tell you this. There's two things going on a do you do you actually think this is some kind of, like, dopamine? Dopamine? Uh, do you think this is some kind of video game addiction

48:06 where he's at first, maybe he was playing for several hours and, like, genuinely enjoying the experience. And now he's playing for hours and it's becoming more like an emotional scape or a mood stabilizer. Like, is he relying on it to have fun? Is he able to have fun and feel rewarded in his life if he's not gaming. Like is it? Is it mind boosting? Is it fun? Is it engaging?

48:31 Is it something he's like looking forward to doing, or is it something that he feels like he has to do otherwise he's not going to, like be happy? I don't know if it's going on to that level of extremity. You didn't really elaborate, but that's what I would be concerned about if it was my boyfriend. The second thing is, you don't ever want to find yourself in a relationship with a man where you're mothering him and telling him what he can and can't do, and I don't think you're doing that at all. It doesn't sound like you are. And so what I would do is, if you don't sound like you're very interested in playing video games and girl, I wouldn't be either. I'm telling you what I would do in this situation. I would just say, look, if you want to play video games, like a lot, that's

49:12 fine. I want you to do what you want to do. It's not something I'm interested in doing, and I just don't see that as like a hobby of mine. And if you want to talk to me about it, or maybe I'll play a game with you every once in a while. Like that's fine. It's just really not something for me. If you feel like you need to have the conversation beyond that, I would. I would do your own thing.

49:35 Like, if your boyfriend is going to go do something you don't need to, like sit around and wait and wish that he did something else. Like continue living your life and doing what you want to do. So while he's gaming, you go and you work on your career or your projects or whatever, whatever you're working on, you go clean your house, you go work out, you go get your nails done, whatever it is that you want to do. And eventually he's going to learn that he's not going to see you.

50:00 If you if he doesn't, you know, put the effort into doing that. And again, I'm speculating on what's going on here. But if my boyfriend was playing video games so much to the point where I felt like it was, um, affecting our relationship, which I think is why you're calling, if I had to guess, I would not be around for it. You know what I mean? Not to punish him at all, but to prioritize yourself and to not do something you don't want to do and put his needs before yours. Because that's what a mother would do. And you're a girlfriend, you know? So I would do your thing. I think one of the most magnetic things a woman can do is bring someone into her world like this, instead of trying to insert yourself into theirs. If you want to play video games a lot, then that's

50:44 who he is. I don't think you should try to change him or control him, but in a way you're showing with your actions and behaviors that like, you're not going to stick around for it. You're not going to sit there and watch and play video games. So one, as I would address, do you think this is like a negative, unhealthy thing? I think you might that might be a much bigger conversation where you work as a team to, you know, get him help you, um, in a loving way without saying you need help. You need to do this like you ask him, hey, like, what do you think about this? How are you feeling and how can I support you? And then I would just remove yourself from it if you don't want to do it. Like I remember, there was a time where my boyfriend, he would scroll

51:28 all day Saturday, like just watching car videos for hours, like the whole Saturday. Sometimes he would do it the whole Sunday and I just said, look, if this is what you're going to do, that's fine. I'm just not. I hate scrolling, my job is social media. It's not something I want to contribute to or participate in. So I'm going to go do my own thing.

51:51 But you do what you do. You don't control someone, but you're setting a boundary for yourself and that has nothing to do with him. So address is it an addiction or something wrong? Can you work as a team to improve his gaming habits too? Don't stick around for it and don't nag him and don't put his knees before yours. Hi Bella. So my question is how can you truly achieve like a nice tan complexion while also, you know, not going to the sunbeds worrying about, you know, sunscreen and stuff like that. I know you have a very extensive, um, podcast for skincare, and you talk all about how sunscreen is like the number one important thing, but you look so tan all the time. So do you have a fake tanning

52:38 routine? Do you go to the tanning beds? What are your thoughts? Because I need my glow back. Okay. Yes. Thank you. Love the podcast. Thank you for. Listening. Okay, I have an extensive. It's actually not that expensive. Soap routine. Every Thursday I will apply a mousse self tan mousse to my body. I love technologist, I love Dolce Glow. I love loving tan. They're good. I put that on. I sleep in it. Even if it's the instant one, I sleep in it and then I do my face mist. So I love Dolce Glow, cocoa and Eve. I'm using the Tan Luxe spray right now, I use that? Probably. Mm. Maybe, like every other night, every three nights, I would say I use tretinoin. If you're using actives of any kind that is helping resurface the surface layer of your skin. Aha, aha. Exfoliant. Um,

53:38 yeah. Actives, retinol and things like that. It's going to be hard for your tan to stay and not look patchy. And so that's why I don't do it on the same night. So I do tretinoin. So like Sunday Monday as two tretinoin nights. Then Tuesday I just do the self tanner and like my recovery hydration products. Then I do tretinoin Wednesday back to ten Thursday, tretinoin Friday and then the self tan on Saturday and then. So that's kind of the routine that I follow that works for me. Um, and then I touch up my hands with the spray or with the foam. But like since I tan on, Thursdays, and I record this podcast on Wednesdays. A lot of times I'll wear long sleeves, tan my hands with the spray the night before, and make sure that my face is tan. So yeah,

54:26 that's what I do. And then I'm not like anti sun. Like, if my girlfriends are going to tan I'll go tan with them. I just don't overdo it I prioritize sunscreen, I don't bake girl I will never get into tanning bed and you shouldn't either lose your behavior. I said that on the episode. Hi Bella, I just wanted to say I love your podcast. I've been looking forward. To it every single week and I'm loving the season so far. Um, I just wanted to ask, what books would you recommend? I know you were talking about Atomic Habits and your last podcast, and I'm a college student and I'm really into reading books and also listening to your podcast, like, makes me feel more productive.

55:09 So I just wanted to ask, what books would you recommend overall. My God, that's. There's so many. Okay, just because you said atomic habits, I'll think of ones in that same sort of vein. Absolutely. How to win Friends and Influence people. I would recommend Vanessa Van Edwards's book Science of People, Science of People How to Win Friends and Influence People. Um, the Art of seduction the 48 Laws of Power. The Art of War.

55:42 The Four Agreements. The Alchemist. Evie Pomfret has a great book called Bulletproof Becoming Bulletproof by Evie Pompeius. I would tell you to read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. That's what I would recommend. Oh, read stolen focus. That's really similar to Atomic Habits. Happy Halloween, guys. You're welcome for this bonus episode.

56:16 Um, I'm really, really excited about the holiday season, if you couldn't tell. And so if you have any, like, seasonal things you want me to talk about are like cute ideas or even just topics that I can, like, warp into sort of holiday themes. Anything for the BRR months. I would love to hear them. Thank you so much for listening. Please subscribe, see YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts and then we have TikTok on Instagram as well. Thank you so much for supporting the podcast.

56:44 It means so much to me and I will see you all in the next episode. Bye! All opinions and advice given on. The show are intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered. Professional, medical. Legal, financial or other expert advice. Do your own research and consult a qualified professional when appropriate.