S10E34: CAN WE DATE AFTER STROKE? ( guest, Erin Evans)

0:00 Hello my beautiful survivors, how are you? This is Karina from Stroke Surviving the Odds, the podcast. The mission of the show is really to help you move forward past the events of the stroke. Regain your life, regain your confidence, regain everything you might have lost with the stroke. I want to remind you that on audio podcast we are on Spotify, Apple iTunes and Google Podcast.

0:26 Make sure you like, follow and download. That way you can listen to the show as you are rehabilitating yourself on video podcast. I have amazing guests once a week. We spend time, we have coffee, we chit chat, we're having a nice conversation. And this is what's going to be happening today with Aaron Evans. Thank you for being here, Aaron.

0:55 Thank you. Yeah, thanks for the invite. I really enjoy the podcast so. Thank you. Thank you very much. So you want to tell us a little bit who was Aaron before the stroke? Sure. So I was born and raised right outside of Washington. DCI went to school for psychology and social work, and I was a social worker working in a housing program. And then I went into something a little different. It's called peer support, like you mentor people. Who?

1:35 Also have mental health issues or different kind of issues actually. So that's kind of what I was doing right before the stroke. So the stroke happened. Let's see, it was January 19th, 2024. Yeah. So a little over 2 years. And do you know what type of stroke you had? I don't. I just remember waking up from a nap and not being able to move and then, you know, going to the hospital and yeah, it, it was just a whirlwind of, you know.

2:24 Emotions that were you scared? I was very scared. I lived alone at the time and, you know, I had a little dog and I when, when the paramedics came, they, the dog, you know, was free and so she was trying to protect me from them. So it took some time for them to get the leash and the leash on her and then to go. She was fighting, she was protecting you. Yeah, she was.

2:58 She didn't know what was going on. She was the friendliest dog, so, but she wanted to protect me. But once I got to the hospital, I don't remember too much. Yeah, I spent about a week in the hospital and then acute rehab. I do remember I had a lot of, it was actually really good. I got a lot of gains back.

3:24 I got a lot of motion back before even going home. I had a friend come and visit, a couple of friends come and visit, but it was very lonely in the hospital. I spent a lot of time alone. OK, wow, So what happened next? So you woke up, you went back to the house after a few weeks. I did, you know, trying to get support in the house was very difficult. I had a little bit of support.

4:03 I had a woman, an aide come a couple times a week. OK, But that was pretty much it. You know, I had some friends and, you know, work was understanding for a while, but then I couldn't, I had to stop working. So I just, there was so much fatigue. How did that go over Aaron? How did that go over with the bosses that you needed time off and how did it go with you?

4:33 Well, they weren't happy. They they were understanding for a couple of weeks, but the longer it drag out they were like I would, they just weren't happy. I did have a great team and so, you know, they kept working, you know, things kept going without me. So I had a, a guy, he really helped. He kind of took over. He had my job after I left SO.

5:07 I have a question. I'm writing it down now so I don't forget. OK. I'm also a stroke survivor with stroke brain sometimes, right? You said something very interesting before, Evan, you said that you were a psychology major and you were a social worker. How so? I'm curious, how did that play? So now you have the stroke, you're at home. You're getting into your recovery and your rehabilitation.

5:35 Has your has training influenced your healing? I think so. I'm a little more resourceful. People say I'm my best case manager because I mean, I've been familiar with this like the like social work. Programs. In the in the county, so I already knew a lot of them. So it was it was easier to get into some programs. OK.

6:09 The hardest, the hardest program, you know, it's called the Medicaid. Medicaid waiver, OK? It would allow me to have an aid 8 hours a week, 8 hours a day everyday. Wow. But it's very hard to get to. OK, OK. So they'll give you the resource, but it's very hard to get get. You're from Virginia, somewhere in the suburbs of Virginia, right?

6:38 Yep, Yep, I'm in. OK, OK. It's so funny because I'm in Canada and you're in the States and you're using the word county and, and, and we don't use that over here, right, but. It's like the local. The local. Yeah, Yeah, I get it, I get it, I get it. Of course, Of course, Of course. But you want to hear something funny?

7:03 I, too, wanted to be in my younger, in my younger years, a social worker. OK. And I think that, correct me if I'm wrong, but because you were a social worker and you were, you work in that field, if you will, you're a very caring person and a very, I know you personally have gotten to know you over the years.

7:29 We've done some work together. You look fantastic, by the way. And so, so was it hard for you to be the caregiver, emotional caregiver of other people before and now that you've had the stroke, you needed to be just to make sure you're OK, you needed to be supported. Yeah, and that was kind of the hard part, you know, asking for help after the stroke because, you know, I'm just so used to being on my own and doing it myself and taking care of other people.

8:08 But it it was hard at first to ask for help. What? Makes you ask for help, whether for me or from other people. What, what inside of you? Because why I'm asking this question, Aaron, is because you know, the show, the show is all about making people aware and making people the audience aware. And I think, and I love how you said you, you were resourceful and you learned in your rehabilitation that you had that resource that you adapted from what I'm hearing, you've adapted and a lot of people have a hard time with that.

8:48 So you know. I think I came, I think I came to the realization probably pretty quickly that I needed other people for support like that. I just. Can't do it all. Oh, wow. Yeah, I know. Listen to what Aaron just said, guys. Listen to what she just said, OK? That's very powerful in itself, what you said there.

9:13 And that's amazing. And now it's been a couple of years. You're into your you're going into your second year. I know that I'm not going to get into it, but the years have been trying, trying for you. They've been difficult. How has. Yeah. So how has being a stroke survivor and going through different other griefs?

9:39 Because being a strong survivor is a grief in itself. Would you agree? I do. And, you know, I started that grief process not realizing it was grief like at first, you know, I really wanted to go back to who I was and doing all the activities that I was. But like, I didn't have the energy, you know, my mind was, you know, all over the place. So it was hard to focus.

10:11 Wow, it was hard to focus throughout the whole thing. Yeah. Yeah. And tell us what you support dog for people that might need an emotional support dog or a big dog to go around. I think that's a very important thing to talk about briefly. Oh yeah. How do you feel? About when I get up in the morning is take care to take care of the dog. You know they're great support.

10:41 You know they provide unconditional love. Would you recommend people to at least go ahead and apply for an emotional support or a bigger dog to help mobility? Yeah, I do it. It is a long process and takes a while, but it's definitely worth it. What I'm what I'm hearing is that everything takes a while, right? Yeah, I mean.

11:10 Fuck that you. Know it does. Yeah. I I don't know why. I mean, it should be a lot easier than it is. It should be. It's just not how the world works. How has the fact that now you've had you were super caregiver and then and then the President before you have the stroke, you realize you use your resources, but you realize you need help. How is your confidence?

11:36 You know, I didn't have much, you know, I couldn't, I didn't trust myself, like I didn't trust my body to keep going. You know, it was, it was hard. That's still I'm kind of building trust with myself and, you know, things I can do. When you talk about self trust, because what I'm hearing is self trust for you is, is something a lot of people are, are doubting themselves, right? So you're not alone and they're not alone. What is your thought process?

12:16 Let's be proactive. Let's help these people. If it's OK. What is your thought process when you're really down but you you need to make yourself do it what you thought about? You know, there is this saying, you know, just putting 1 foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time. But you know, sometimes taking even one day at a time is too much.

12:45 So you know, just taking one second and get to the next second and then like just keep going. Like, I know it gets hard and you want to give up, but you know there's a lot of support out there. And online, even if you're isolated, there are local groups that meet support groups. Love it. Yeah. So it's just, you know, really putting 1 foot in front of the other and things will come together. It just, you know, I think it takes time. So what you're saying is being is to be patient to try, right? Right to try because things don't happen magically. No.

13:34 And to make me allow yourself to space to make mistakes, right? Oh yeah, and like, you know, not every, not every support or support group is for everyone. Like, you know, you might not get along with the other people in the group, but you know, just keep looking because you will find people that do understand.

13:54 I love that. That's very good advice to our fellow stroke survivors there. And that's great to just go and look because, and it's funny, you're talking like you're saying exactly what I said in the post this week, that there's so many free resources out there. There's forums galore on you on Google.

14:19 Just look stroke forum and you'll have talks that I'm part of 30 support groups on Facebook to get to know people and and know stories and and I love to know the life after stroke. By the way, I'm starting a new hashtag, so you're welcome to join Hashtag Life after Stroke. Yeah, yeah. I so like Facebook has been, you know, a lot of people like though they're getting rid of social media and I don't want to do it. But like, for me, it's been very almost inspirational to like read about and talk to other people that have been through it too.

15:01 I agree. Let me ask you, I, I, I, I love this is a different type of conversations that we've had. Wow. I love it, Erin. I'm serious. I love it. Yes. And there's so many people that are inspirational and they're hiding still. Guys, why are you hiding from us something like I I did a post and the answers I got were completely different than what I've heard in the past and and so uplifting.

15:38 I was uplifting myself to hear that. So why are you guys hiding? Please show yourselves. Show yourself. You know I. Think, I think it takes confidence to like post and everything and you know, at first you're a little scared because you're not sure people won't understand, but you know, it's almost just taking a chance like on yourself, on the group, you know? That's building confidence.

16:08 Right. Absolutely. Doing the thing that you're most afraid of. Yeah. And the only way, yeah. It's just taking a chance doing 1 little thing every posting or commenting on someone's post but it all helps even the little just you know, keep going message. Absolutely. Even if you just click an emoji, it's that you're you're participating.

16:45 You're participating in a collective rehabilitation and community, and you might be someone else's sunshine, No. Yeah, I mean, you never know. Just little comments or even emojis help people. I mean they helped me, you know, when I post and everything. Are you are you confident posting? I am now more now.

17:19 Lately I have seen a couple more. Yeah, you know, sometimes because like, you know, this is the first time for me. Like I mean, this is the first time for everyone. I mean, that were have a stroke. I mean, a lot of people have more, but like, you know, you don't expect it. It's comes out of nowhere and you have to learn the new life. You have to, you know, kind of put pieces back together or find new pieces.

17:53 You know, sometimes you don't even look for them and they just kind of pop up out of nowhere. It goes to stay you have all the resources. You we have all the resources we need. You know, they, they just pop up and sometimes you just whoa, what's this? Yeah, You know, I think every, I mean, everyone is capable, like in themselves, they have the resources in themselves to do it. It's just, you know, it takes confidence in yourself and trusting yourself.

18:27 What if other people don't have confidence, but you're building your own confidence but other people don't think you're confident enough or think you're capable enough? Haha. That listeners listen to what Aaron is saying right now, which is going to answer to the question, what do you do in that case?

18:51 You know, I think it just takes time and it takes just one little effort because we're all capable. We all have it in us to keep going. And it's just, I think you learn as you go along. Some people it takes a while, but that's OK. I mean, there's no hurry. There's no rush to do anything. It's all on your pace and your time.

19:20 Do. You feel that you were supported during your right now since the stroke, did you feel? Oh yeah. I, you know, it took a while to find the support. I felt alone for a long time. But I finally have a support system that helps and that I go to often and you know. Yeah. What about the people, The people we surround ourselves, the people you surround yourself with, Were they people that motivated you to get better? Because so many people out there have hard people around them. So that's where the confidence comes from. Like you said, now you have a great support system. You you know that you see all the time. Has it always been like that?

20:18 No, it hasn't. You know, there were, you know, kind of after the stroke, you kind of lose friends sometimes and the people that you thought were friends kind of drop off because, you know, it's intense after a stroke and not everyone, you know, can support you after it. It might be too much for them. But will.

20:45 Find people that it's not. It's not too much for, you know, recently I started dating. Well, it's been almost a year and that's been, I wasn't looking for it either. It just kind of fell into place and you know, it's been a great support. She pushes me to do things that, you know, I don't think I would do necessarily on my own, but, you know, I do them now. No, you're giving a lot of hope to. There's been a lot of posts going around of people asking after stroke, how to date, are you dating and whatnot. So you're giving a lot of hope to people right now. So I think I'm going to make myself a special, a special short.

21:37 I love what you just said. Now you're dating. Yeah. I mean, you know, a lot of people question like, you know, should I tell them? And, you know, what do I say to people that I'm trying like that I want to date? And you know, I find that like, I was very honest. Like. We started talking. I was like, you know, I know this is going to be a lot for maybe you like the first week, but like, you know, this is what happened to me and this is kind of what I deal with now, you know?

22:14 That takes a lot of confidence and a lot of self-awareness to say what you just said to your person you're about to date. Right, Yeah, it does. But you know, if you just put 1 foot in front of the other. Were you scared to tell? To tell her. Oh, absolutely. What was going through your mind? You know, I was like, like, I didn't want to scare people off.

22:45 Like you worry about scaring people off about, you know, being too much. But I found that if you do that in the beginning, it doesn't scare them off. RIP the Band-Aid and get it over with and give them the choice. You stay or you go. What do you want to do? Pick one. Right. And you know, you might talk for a little while after that and maybe it doesn't go anywhere, but you did it.

23:13 So you'll find, I mean, there is, I, I do believe there's someone out there for everyone. You know, I think the universe will bring them in your life in some way or shape or form eventually. That's very, you're very empowering today, Aaron. You're very empowering really. I'm seeing, I haven't seen you in a little bit.

23:38 And guys like I can tell you, Aaron is really stepping into her own and finding herself again. Yeah, I mean, you know, it just takes time. Yeah, You know, you want to hear something funny. When I was in the hospital and when I went back home and people would tell me in the hospital I was corked.

24:02 And at home I couldn't talk much, which is the contrary. Now I don't shut up, right? And seriously, people that would tell me, OK, be patient, give time. And I'm thinking you take fucking time. Like I'm like, I like, I was going nuts. But you are so right. It takes time. Yeah. And, and, and when people told you that in the beginning, what was what would you think when they would tell you take it? I would get angry.

24:35 I mean, I still do. When people tell me to be patient, I'm like, I don't want to be patient. I just, you know, want to do this or that. Right now. It just takes practice. Practice, practice. Yeah, it takes practice to to be patient. And yeah, I mean, it's something I still struggle with a lot. Like I want to do certain things now even though like I can't. But, you know, hopeful maybe I'll get there someday, so. What's your What's your most recent win? Something you've been working towards doing and finally you're doing it.

25:20 Well, you know, it's kind of living on my own and handling life. You know, for a while I was living with my parents and they kind of did everything, like they took care of meals, like make sure the house was stocked with stuff. But now that's kind of just on me. I wasn't really asking for it. It just kind of got pushed onto me.

25:52 So still trying to learn, you know, basic maintenance stuff that you need to do and, you know, grocery shop, grocery shopping is hard. I, I struggle with going to the grocery store. So you know, trying to find stuff online that you can get. Delivered. Yeah. Yeah, but yeah. And like finances, like paying bills, paying things on time, that's sometimes struggle because you forget, you know, if it's not written down or not on auto pay, like you just forget.

26:30 About finances, can you tell the listeners in the audience, maybe a strategy that you're using to make sure that everything is paid? Well, I put everything on auto pay because. Yeah, because otherwise, yeah, like a couple months ago, I, I wasn't getting notices from the cable company, but I kept forgetting to pay it.

26:59 And then I got a disconnect. I got a like addiction disconnection and I was like, oh, wait. Well, actually what happened was I turned on the TV and I couldn't, it didn't like there was nothing there. So I like, went online to try to figure it out and then it was like, oh, you haven't paid in three months, so.

27:18 Oopsie, oopsie. Yeah, I mean. That happens, you know, So I just put it put everything on auto pay. That's that's very good advice, yes. Yeah, because, I mean, it's hard to keep track of all the utilities and like cable, Wi-Fi, phone. I mean, it's, it's hard. I mean, unless you like write it out like everything that needs to be paid and when and keep it like, I don't know, like on the wall, on the refrigerator so that you remember.

27:57 Otherwise it's, you know, I don't trust my memory. I mean, that's one thing I don't trust is my memory. So I write everything down or I tell someone immediately that will remember. That is, you know, you have something very calm about you and I, I always now I, I, I, I feel differently because I'm into view, but I'm listening, listening. There's always something so calming and soothing about you. I see, I honestly see that you are radiating positivity now. Your confidence has gone up.

28:38 I can tell you this life. Changed. It did and you know, it changed drastically and I wasn't at first, I wasn't prepared for it. But you know, it's just, I just take it one day at a time because I can't. You can't live in the future. You can't live in the past. So. Good one. Yeah. Good one, Good one.

29:12 Well, I'll tell you, I can definitely see your training coming out. Aaron, I'm so proud of you. Yeah, I'm trying. Yeah. I'm getting back to the, you know, caregiver social work. OK. Do you think that the fact I just want to go back a second because I hear that a lot of caregivers end up having strokes.

29:39 Do you feel like because you were giving so much to others you were lacking on yourself you neglect? Yeah, you kind of neglect yourself. You get so wrapped up in other people's problems or situations that you kind of forget yourself. And then, you know, I think the universe sometimes just hit you over the head and is like, Nope, you're going to pay attention to yourself. Oh, so, and like you said before, again, I just want to go back a little bit and then I how's your energy level? Are you feeling OK?

30:23 Because because Aaron get there, Aaron, you're getting there. OK? I know that Aaron's tiredness, I want to respect her. So Aaron is more than welcome to always come back and do a live. So I'm not going to ask another question. I want to say thank you and I am so so, so proud of you guys. We are going to leave it at this. If you have any questions for Aaron, you can always reach her on Facebook, OK?

30:53 You can ask her any question she is on. She really is radiating positivity right now. I see a New Girl, man. So guys, remember to subscribe on YouTube once a week. We have beautiful, great interviews that are helping with life after stroke. If you would like to be a guest, make sure you let me know.

31:17 Don't be shy, don't be shy. Share with everybody. Let the world know that stroke survivors, that community is here to stay and we are are helping and motivating each other. OK, that being said, I'm going to let you go because every needs to needs a break. And I think that my dogs need a break too.

31:38 I love you guys, Erin. Yeah, thanks for having me. Thank you.