The Hidden Ways We Escape Stress, Shame & Anxiety | Interview with David Olem

What if the way you cope with stress could change how you experience your life—even when you can’t change the situation itself? In this episode, psychotherapist and coach David Olem joins Tom to explore stress, coping, self-compassion, and the small practices that can help us find more joy and resilience in difficult times.
David draws on more than 26 years of clinical and research experience, including his work at UCSF’s Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, to explain the different ways we cope with stress. He distinguishes between problem-focused coping, distraction, and more present-focused forms of emotional coping, emphasizing that no coping strategy is inherently “good” or “bad.” The key is developing flexibility and noticing when a strategy that once helped us starts creating new problems.
For queer people, these patterns can be especially complicated. David explores how shame, bullying, family rejection, and other negative messages can shape the ways we seek comfort, escape, belonging, and relief. He shares a powerful story about quitting smoking and learning to see setbacks as wins, offering a compassionate alternative to the self-judgment that can keep us stuck.
David also introduces practical tools from his book, Seeing the Whole of the Moon: A Guide to Finding Your Joy Even in Stressful Times, including RAIN meditation and the “positive moment” exercise. By noticing small moments of joy, feeling them in the body, and asking what we can do to create more of them, we can gradually build new patterns of resilience—one small shift at a time.
About David:
David Olem is a psychotherapist, coach and researcher dedicated to helping people build resilience and reduce stress. For 26 years at UCSF, he developed and delivered brief therapies that improved emotional and physical health in underserved communities with a particular focus on the LGBTQ communities. He now maintains a therapy and coaching practice in San Francisco, specializing in anxiety and stress management. David's work blends deep clinical experience with a commitment to practical, accessible tools that support everyday wellbeing.
Connect with David:
Website: davidolem.com
Book: thewholemoon.com
Instagram: whole_ofthemoon
Connect with Tom:
Website: queerrelationshipinstitute.com
Instagram: @queerrelationshipinstitute
Get his book: a.co/d/0gtUEAC5
Get your FREE set of relationship discussion cards for gay men: queerrelationshipinstitute.com/cards