Does Katie Zachariah Get a Participation Trophy?

Welcome to Brief Recess. I'm Michael Foote.

I'm Melissa Malbrant.

This week, we're going to talk about all the Trader's Tea, Katie Zachariah, George Santos, Tucker Carlson, and his hair, my unaccredited high school slut health class. We're going to talk about everyone who's getting bit and who's doing the biting. We're going to answer all the questions from your DMs, so stick around. We'll leave the water out there, but I think it has a label on it.

Oh, so we're not walking in?

Yeah, we're... I'm walking in. Melissa, get in here. You're under contract. You have to record. That was the walk-in? That was the walk-in.

There was too much chatter for that to be a walk-in.

Do you have a better walk-in? We're not going to reset the walk-in.

No, we'd have to reset the walk-in.

What are you drinking? What are you drinking? A little beverage? Having a little Cosmo? No, not a Cosmo.

I am dehydrated. And Michael told me, have you tried drinking water?

It's being helpful.

I know.

So helpful.

But I do that because I'm a headache early. And people will always say, well, are you dehydrated? I'm like, yeah. Thank you so much.

What would I do without this wonderful advice?

38, I hadn't thought to drink water up until now.

Yeah. I don't drink enough water. Remember that time I got dehydrated and I had to go to the hospital to get like an IV?

No.

Yes, you do.

I don't remember that.

Yeah, you do. Never mind.

You do. They gave you an IV. You had to go to the hospital?

And you were just like, what is wrong with you?

Oh, yeah, I do. Yeah, what is wrong with you? And then I got you that water bottle.

Yes.

And it tells you how much to drink.

Aguamenti.

Aguamenti, yeah.

I love that water bottle.

But yeah. And so you're clearly not using it, though, if you're dehydrated today.

No. Oh.

I know. Baby.

The people want to know.

Okay.

The people want to know.

Is this our sidebar?

I don't know what this is. This is whatever it is.

Okay.

Can we finally talk about traitors or no?

We can talk about traitors because they loaded me into a cannon and shot me out of the castle. So I'm finally out of there.

Okay.

They absolutely yeeted my ass so fast right from that round table in those boots.

I saw that.

Diva down.

I know. You had me and Andre watching traitors.

Listen, and that's a win. That's a viewership. Screw the 6 million people that tuned in. Yeah. You and Andre actually really got into the tea. Yeah. We did. I am shocked to find that the people who stopped me and asked me about traitors are like 19. They're so young. The viewers are so young.

Are they really?

Yes.

So full disclosure, when Michael told me he was going to be on this show, I was like, what's traitors? I am not well-versed in anything sort of reality TV.

It's not my jam at all.

It's like someone tells me that somebody from, they'll say, you know, so-and-so from The Real Housewives is going to be there. What's going on in the home?

I don't know.

A Real Housewife.

A Real Housewife, apparently.

Yeah.

So I was like, really?

Yeah.

And I still don't think that I understand the premise of this show.

That's what I love about it.

So, like, and, like, who's Alan Cummings?

Like, who's he playing? Why is he there?

Because, I mean, obviously, it's him, but not him, right?

Yes, yes.

So, it's like a version of himself.

It's a caricature of himself. Yeah.

But I do, so.

Alan Cummings, your outfits.

I know. He's so good. Sam Spector does all his outfits. They're so good.

So good. There was one outfit I was just.

Like, yes.

I know.

Want it, love it.

They're really great.

So good.

And he's in them all day. Like, he's in those looks all day. So, I mean, it was fierce. It was really fun to be on that set.

You know, and I wonder if he... when he's doing his thing, right? Is there any part of Alan Cummings' brain that is like, this is so campy, but I'm going to lean into it. Michael, before you leave my castle forever, like there's like a whole thing.

I think he's in bed just like giggling at how silly it was.

Yeah, totally.

It was pretty insane. I mean, when we were burying people alive, I was like, what? Is happening.

I have to tell you.

Where am I right now?

Did not feel like somebody watching it and feeling that closed in feeling.

Not cool. Why was the camera straight up their fucking noses?

I don't know.

I was like, thank God I'm not in there. People would be cooking me online for that fishbowl lens. That would be. Oh, man. A bald white dude in a coffin with a fishbowl lens.

I mean, I don't think it matters.

Thank God I'm not up for murder from this episode and I get to sit on the.

So, more questions. Yeah.

So, you were not murdered.

No.

You were just.

Banished.

Yes. What's that? Watch the whole season. She's still figuring out how the show works.

I just don't understand.

So, why is somebody... Like, Kim was murdered.

Right.

Right?

The traitor's murdered, Kim.

Yeah.

And when do the traders start turning on each other? Because that's coming. And I can't wait.

I cannot comment on any future episodes. But in most seasons at some point, there's only, I think, been one season where multiple traders have won the whole thing. And in past seasons, it's usually just one trader or the faithfuls win.

Yeah.

The tea is piping, honey. Okay. It's getting really wicked and wild. I'm still going to go to a bunch of viewing parties. I'll probably be at a club coming most Thursday nights. I just really love the space. It's really fun. Everyone there is really chill. They're all fans of the show. It's just like a nice... I did one gig that was really big, and that was quite stressful for me.

Because? Because.

It's just I get overstimulated and it's not enjoyable. If there's a lot of people there in a big crowded space and then I'm on TV and then I don't see the episodes beforehand. I think people think that I'm like in the editing bay. Like, no, I would never use that one angle of the back of my head. I would never have picked that. You know what I'm talking about.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

Melissa called me and she said, why is your bald head in the back of the lens? Just the camera was an inch from the back of my head.

Well, because I think what I felt was really funny about that entire thing is... And every time you all had breakfast together, I was like, what is that layout of the breakfast table? It was so bizarre to me. Like, it didn't make any sense.

Who's on Wayfair looking up L-shaped table?

Well, obviously, they wanted to have it so that they could see everybody, right?

But it didn't make any sense. It just looked really, it looked real dumb, guys.

I'm just saying that to you.

It's so funny because it's like the show, I think, The show started as like a small reality show in a castle in Scotland. And now it's grown to the most popular reality show in the world. But it's still filmed in the same castle. It's one castle in the middle of fucking nowhere. So it's really funny to see like this huge viewership and the actual production itself is still, it's a castle in Scotland. Like we're eating breakfast in the castle.

I just feel like. So given the popularity of this show now, I feel like maybe they can increase the budget and have the table.

Cut this. Cut this. Cut this.

Don't. Don't. What?

Melissa just fucking smoking.

I'm not.

I'm not. Because it's distracting.

I'm like, why are they scooching?

You guys are all scooching by each other like this.

She said, if you could get to the historic castle and blow out that room and build an annex for the table. She said, if you could renovate, maybe do a chandelier. She said, maybe we could do different drapes.

Some recessed lighting.

Let's level the castle. You could have one long table.

And there could be multiple cameras.

No, I think that's why it works. We have multiple cameras. I think that's why it works is because the ethos, the spirit of the show has remained the same. It's like if you, yeah, the vibe would change if suddenly, yeah, if they got a little bit too HD with it. I don't think so. If we get Ty Pettington in there. Yeah, if we get Ty Pettington in there. Friend of the pod, by the way. Really? Yeah, he's a friend of the pod.

Is he? Yeah.

Come on over, Ty.

He's always in the DMs. He's great. Yeah. He's the guy with the, what's his thing? He's got like a signature thing. It's either a soul patch or a hat.

He was the one who was like Amazing Renovations. It used to be on ABC.

You're going to say Amazing Race. No, no, no, no. We should go on Amazing Race. Who? You and me. No. Yeah. No. Because neither of us can run fast.

That's for sure.

We're both afraid of heights. Neither of us are going to take a risk. It's the best season ever. First out.

The Amazing Race is too outside for me.

We can't get off the L train.

It's too much outside.

It's a lot of outdoors.

It's a lot of outside.

A lot of outdoors. And if you can't wrap your head around the concept of traders, we are not going to figure out a challenge.

On The Amazing Race. Well, somebody would just need to tell me what to do.

Melissa, go here.

Okay.

Yeah. We would need a producer full time. We would need an earpiece.

And so back to traders.

So the other thing that I found really kind of funny and interesting is– All the whispering that's going on.

Did you say Melissa?

Who got the apple?

Where's the fruit?

Why?

Where's the fruit, Kate? Yeah. There's a lot of whispering.

Why does Joe have the fruit?

And it's crazy because we really were just like talking shit about each other behind each other the whole time. You're just like shit talking CJ who's six feet away from you. And it's like all day.

And you guys are all mic'd.

We're all mic'd. But when we're talking like, I know CJ is also shit talking me to somebody else. So I'm doing it too, because he can't hear me if he's shit-talking me, so I'm shit-talking him too. It's like, it is actually crazy.

Andre has a really serious question for you.

Okay.

He noticed this and it really, really bothered him.

Oh, man. That's going to be some weird little like.

He wants to know why no one seems to be able to spell Michael. Okay.

That is actually, I do have to say.

And when they called you Mike.

Okay.

That child was left behind. There was what's going on in the education system in America because the spelling of the names on traitors. Okay. So you should know how to spell Michael.

I don't know that somebody needs a headshot with it spelled out.

Orissa with an O. Logan, that was Orissa. Orissa. That was worse than getting banished.

I don't know. But I was like, I think Sherry also, they were spelling Sherry all different kinds of ways.

They were like C-H-E.

C-H-E-R-R-I-S-H-E-R-I-R-Y.

Sherry was so fierce. Sherry was fierce. She ate us up. I loved her.

Did you have a good time?

I had a great time. It was an absolute nightmare. And I love, but I, the one that, but like I loved when I left, I was like, that was so fun. But during it, it is so stressful. People don't realize, I think people think it's fake or something that it's scripted, but literally everything that happens in the castle, you don't need to script the show. The game itself is interesting enough that you don't need, you just need to get 22 maniacs and that castle and give that, give that game to them. And it makes itself. Really. Like, honestly.

I think that it was really fun to do, but it was so stressful. You're filming really long days. Everyone's talking about each other behind each other's backs. Nobody wants to go home first. So the paranoia really gets to you. And you have no contact to the outside world.

No, I know.

You were my emergency contact.

I remember you had said, you were like, all right, I'm here and I'm going to go dark soon.

Right? Yeah. No problem. But.

The longer you were away, the more messages I was sending into the ether would be like, are you still there?

Are you okay? What's going on?

And in my mind, at a certain point, I forgot what my life was like and the castle was my life.

That's crazy, Michael.

You were there so long and it's so immersive that at one point they had like the therapist come talk to me because I forgot like that I had a dog, that my husband's name was Brad. Like you forget. The world outside of Scotland.

Okay.

Which is why we're acting like such psychopaths.

Maybe.

Which is why we're also deranged.

Is the castle cool?

Very cool. But it's a really old castle in Scotland. So if it's hot out, it's broiling.

I was going to ask you, what's the temperature control?

And if it's cold out, it's freezing. Okay. So you just got to be ready for it. I saw an interview with Parvati, and she was talking about how on her season it was super cold, so I brought hand warmers for skiing. And I would just stick those up my sleeves. Just walking around with hand warmers.

We're going back.

You're going back? Where it all started.

We're going back. I can't wait.

You're going back to Stonehenge?

No, that's in England. Oh. And once was enough?

Once. It's a couple of rocks. It's a couple of rocks.

No, it was very impressive. But I think I saw it. I walked around it. I took pictures.

And then I was like, okay.

That's a little Kim song. I came, I saw.

I took some pictures. What I think is really interesting about Stonehenge is that they've done studies on the boulders and some of the boulders are not at all from the area. Okay.

So how did they get there?

We don't know.

And that's the end of the Stonehenge tour. Time to go home. Exit through the gift shop.

Yes.

That's it.

And that's my problem with Stonehenge. I mean, I don't need to see the boulder.

I think it's one of those things that's just it's like a very interesting thing to have seen.

I'm obsessed with like the Easter Island heads. That's very cool. What is that? Right. But that's a head, not a rock. It's a rock, but it's not just like a boulder.

That was somebody chiseled into a face.

I think that's really cool and crazy and weird.

Yeah.

But Stonehenge, I'm like.

And that's weird too.

How did that big giant rock go up on top to make a T?

How'd they make the T? How'd they do the golden arch? We don't know.

We don't know.

And we'll never find out.

And I'll be okay with it.

You'll be okay with that.

Stonehenge was a bucket list for Andre.

But you're going, so you keep going back to Scotland.

I don't keep going back to Scotland.

You said we're going back.

Yes, but I don't keep going back. I've only been once.

And now you keep going back.

No, I'm going back again. We're going back to Ireland and we're going back to Scotland because we didn't do enough of what I wanted to see. So I'm also really interested in the period of the Troubles. So I want to go to Belfast. I just think it's really interesting.

That famously was not part of Stonehenge.

No, because Stonehenge is not in Ireland.

Yeah.

Or Scotland.

Yeah.

Totally random thing, but about Ireland. There is a statue of Molly Malone.

Molly Malone? Can we tell me who that is?

Yeah, I'm not quite sure. Because I'm not sure.

I can't remember who she is exactly.

You said it hoping I would know.

No, I know that she's famous.

But we're not sure who she is.

I don't know what she's famous for.

We're going to fact check. A fictional fishmonger.

Wait, wait, wait.

She's a fictional fishmonger and the star of a well-known Irish song. Okay.

So she's like a bit of a heroine, right?

I know. I actually knew that. Oh, did you? I did.

Okay.

Because there's some sort of like fish pie that they make.

Cockles.

Stargazer pie or something. Yeah. Cockles.

Well, I was reading about it on the thing and she would apparently in the story, she's peddling her wares and she's saying, oh, I've got cockles or whatever it is.

But she wasn't real.

No, I know.

It's a story. It's like Yankee Doodle Dandy.

But in the story, that's made up.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm just like getting there.

So anyway, it's a brass statue, right? And it's her face and she's pulling her thing. If you look at the picture, the breasts of the statue have been completely worn away because men- Are rubbing the titty. They're rubbing the titties.

What? Not even- Look.

Look.

And it was a thing.

And there was a thing where they were showing like a day of what was going on. All the men, all the men rubbing the titty and the women and the women going up and like hugging.

Molly or whatever it is. And it was not just.

Not even the statues are safe.

No, but you know what though?

They're trying to fuck the bronze.

But listen to me.

But that is the point.

Right?

That is the point.

And what I felt was really interesting also was there was a group of little boys.

No.

So that kind of, I think, to be very serious, I think that it is hop, skip.

Jump rape culture.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Because it's starting at an absolute disregard and lack of respect for women and their bodies.

Right. And it's like jokey. Yeah.

And it's jokey, but it's not funny.

It's like a slippery slope. Correct.

And when I went, I knew that already, but I went and I watched a bunch of guys.

Doing rubbing the boobies.

Giving her a mammogram. Mess.

Yeah.

Mess. Really.

But it's so... It's just indicative of how women... And our bodies are not perspective.

Our objects.

Yes, absolutely. And it's like I was talking when Laura was here the other day, Laura Dunn. We were talking about, obviously, the Cornell 7 and everything.

And I said to her that.

The first time I think I got catcalled from a grown man, I was like 12 or 13 years old.

And you were in your school uniform. Right.

And I don't know, there's not a woman that I know who did not have a similar experience. And because if you're looking at these little boys who were touching Molly Malone, They're learning from that age that it's kind of okay. And it's funny.

Yes.

And it's funny.

And, you know, there was another guy who thought it was funny to, like, pretend to motorboat.

Like, it's not. It is so disrespectful.

And then the person who put the clip out was like, so is it the statue that was leading him on?

Right. Yeah.

Ellipsis.

Right. Right?

Yeah.

No, it's true. I think that, I mean, it's like. Once you start noticing it a little bit, you're going to see it everywhere.

Yes.

Yeah.

You're going to notice it in the way we talk about people. I mean, I've noticed that in, yeah, just any sort of news story that has to do with.

I mean, did you hear the way that Megan, what's her name, talked about Jane Doe? About how Megan Kelly.

Yeah. Fucking maniac.

Disgusting.

Why does she have a show anywhere? I mean. And honestly, like the hot. It's not even like, okay, this is a conservative talking head. She's like an Epstein apologist. Like, what is this show she got running? Who's giving her? Like, that is crazy to me. It's not even like, these are my conservative ideals.

No, no, no.

Let me be a Fox News commentator. It's correct. It is. It's like beyond the Candace Owens of it all.

100%. Can we talk about Katie Zachariah?

You want to do algorithm is showing about Katie Zachariah? I have to say, Katie Zachariah, I have to defend her hair extensions because they do look snatched. Everything else is crazy. but her hair does look pretty good.

Okay.

And that's the only credit I'll give her. Okay. Okay? Sure. And don't ever let anyone call me biased because I said the hair was correct. And everything else is a mess.

That was... I was joking with some friends and I said, I've had periods last longer than Katie Zechariah did in her job.

Someone I saw tweeted was like, I had a tampon in longer. Yeah. Toxic shock syndrome. Well, yeah. Yeah. PSA for toxic shock syndrome from Brief Resets. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Yeah.

And I thought, and one would have imagined that Scaramucci was the limit.

But even like before they fired her.

I will say that I felt uncomfortable.

Good morning.

I am so honored to work for President Trump and the American people as the new White House press secretary.

I was uncomfortable and I don't give a shit. And, you know, because stuff like that always makes me feel so cringy, I couldn't watch it in one sitting. I kept on pausing it and then going back to it.

It's like when on American Idol they would intentionally put someone up there.

See, that's what I was saying when Clay Aiken was here. That's the thing that I don't– I can't.

I can't watch it.

No.

It's like vicarious embarrassment. You feel it for them. You're an empath.

Yeah.

That's beautiful. It's October. Embrace it. This is your spooky season. Do you believe in witches? Yes. I do too. You believe in tarot cards?

Sure.

I think so too. Some guy in a bar came up to me and gave me his phone number and he was like, I'm a tarot card reader. I think I'm going to call him.

Call him. Do it.

On the show. Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Do it. And because I always lose everything, I took a photo of the card. So I know I have the number.

I mean, I think I believe that there are people who have a gift of sight, I think. I think that there are people who can see people from the beyond. I'm not going to run my life that way. But, you know, if somebody says, I remember one time, this is years ago, I was talking to somebody and they were talking about an experience that they had in somebody's house.

And a feeling that came over them.

Yeah.

That there was something wrong. I will tell you, many years ago now, Andra and I were looking for a house. And you don't go in a house, you go in a house. I walked into a house and immediately the vibe was not right. Something happened. I could not stay in that house. And I said to Andra and the realtor, I'm like- Never this house. And I can't even be in here. And they were like, what's the matter? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know.

Yo, it was just like you had this awful feeling.

A terrible feeling of feeling unsafe.

Wow.

I don't know why.

But you got to listen to that.

You do have to listen to that.

Because then it'll make you sick if you actually lived there.

No, there was no way we were going to live there, but I didn't even want to stay.

That's spooky. I've been like that too, where I'm in a space and I'm like, I don't want to, something feels wrong.

The vibes are not right.

Listen, don't bring up my banishment like that.

I used to work someplace where the vibe was off and I would go either late at night or on the weekends and I would sage it. I'm like, I'm going to be here for a minute. I'm going to sage it.

That is so Haitian. I love that. Yeah. I love that. Back to the office. Are you kidding? I know who it is.

Are you serious? Do you think I'm playing?

Seriously?

Yeah.

I mean, she needed it.

And then I would go around to the people that I dealt with.

Wow.

Melissa.

Don't care.

She's drunken outside.

Wow.

Oh, my God. Did it work?

Didn't it?

Agents of Chaos is no longer.

Oh, my God. Right? Can confirm it worked. Yeah. Damn, that worked. Yeah.

It did work.

Wow.

Leave me alone.

Yo. Okay. Sorry, I'm processing a lot. Sure.

I know you are. I know you are. The ancestors are on my side. I'm not even kidding.

I need you to do a little work for me.

Sure.

Do you take cash or check? What if you said no to cash? You're like, no, I don't take cash.

Like sweet greens? Oh, no cash.

Sweet greens.

I hate that place.

I'm going to get another email about sweet greens.

Poor CJ.

CJ's like, God, the sweet green. We've got to pull the ad. No, we're going to get another call.

Well, the last time I ordered a salad from there was Sandy.

I was really upset.

Can I tell you something? I get these influencer offers. Mm-hmm. to and they send them in and it's it's usually like make a video here's how much you'll get paid this is what we'll give you sweet green fucking emailed me and i'm actually gonna put them on blast because their email was like literally like small companies will send me and it's like dollar amount of how much we will pay you to make a video sweet cream was like we'll give you a salad oh get fucked Get out of here. Not only was I never going to make a video for you, you're not even going to offer a fee, an appearance fee, the usage of the video.

There are really set industry standard terms for influencers. And they were like, what about some cabbage? What about a baked potato? What the fuck is that? Okay. Anyway, CJ's going to have to cut that whole segment. NBC and Sweetgreen with the sniper rifle.

Do we know why Katie Zachariah got fired?

Like, was there a reason given?

All I could see was that Trump talked to her and was like, if you didn't want to do it, you don't have to. Like, he sort of like gave her a soft out and she was like, I'm out of here. Okay. But then I think, I don't know. Was she fired? I feel like she's just gone.

The news that I read is that she got fired.

Yeah, that's what I heard too. And that she was like, all right, cool. And then they were like, we're firing you. I don't know. I think she technically resigned. Lasted five days.

Mm-hmm.

I mean, she was very bad at that job.

She lied about being a lawyer. I mean, that's not.

Well, you know what I always find really interesting when people lie about things like that? In this day and age, it's very difficult to lie about who you are, where you're from.

Like George Santos. Remember, he was making all that and then went to prison.

Because at some point, you are going to get found out.

And now he's on Naked and Afraid. He's like on some show.

No, I know.

He's like doing military boot camp on TV.

Did you see where he was trying to get out of the water? He could not. He couldn't lift himself out. And he was like, at one point he was almost out and then he lost his grip.

And he was just flailing around.

Speaker 2:

Look at this guy being disgusting.

The guy watching him is like, I can't. This is so bad. If you think we're assholes for laughing, just remember he had a rifle pin on his suit when he was in Congress right after school shootings.

You know what?

I don't care what you think about me laughing about that. This man lied about his grandparents being in the Holocaust.

Yeah, if you need permission to laugh, we're giving it to you with these reasons.

I mean, what kind of person, honestly, what kind of person lies about their grandparents or any member of their family being in a genocide?

Just like grandma was Anne Frank. Like, what? People are going to be able to, like, Google that pretty quickly.

And also that his mother was a September 11th survivor.

What?

Ancestor.com. We got the Google. We got the Wikipedia. We've got the, yeah. We've got the manifest.

But it's just so gross. I mean, I'm not about telling.

Did he say his mother died in 9-11, but she's still alive? No, no, no, no, no, no.

She was there, and that thing got cancer in that house. She died. I think so. But there was definitely a grandparents' Holocaust story, and there was definitely my mom.

But Trump is also lying about being there at 9-11.

No, I know. But, right.

That's crazy. And that's what I'm saying. We can quickly debunk that. 9-11 was famously not that long ago. Right. It wasn't like you're saying my uncle was on the Mayflower. It was 26 years ago.

Yeah, my ass walked home that day.

Yeah, Melissa was there. Melissa wasn't working. You were in the workforce.

Yeah, I was a grown adult.

And you walked home?

Yeah.

You don't want to talk about it. We don't have to talk about it. It's a public record if you pass the bar, right? Yeah.

Right.

Yeah. You have to register with the court system.

I don't know why she could have just as easily said, I went to law school. Yeah.

Because she did go to law school.

Yeah.

Did she graduate from law school?

I think so.

Yeah, but I think– but there's a– graduating from law school doesn't make you an attorney.

No, no, no, no, no. But it does mean you have a law degree.

It gives you a JD. Yes.

So she could have easily said– I have a JD.

I have a JD. I have a law degree.

Yeah, yeah. But instead– No, she's out here. She's like, I'm a Supreme Court justice. I'm a corporate– I mean– A corporate attorney.

I'm a corporate attorney.

Yeah.

Where did you pass the bar?

China. You said she's an attorney.

Where did she pass the bar exam? Which state? What state? Did she tell us?

Bitch.

What?

Bitch.

What?

What? Does she speak Mandarin?

Was she in my Jamie's class in high school?

I can't stop thinking about my high school now. We've unlocked a puzzle box in my brain. They had us, they had, I was a part of this group. We were the pure health. We were the health teachers. We were pure health coaches. They had the students teaching health class. So they, because there was no health teacher, they taught a group of, I guess the sluts. They taught us like how to have safe sex. And then they were like, you now have to teach everyone at school.

OK, so it was either. So Michael and I and my experiences with sex ed are.

I was such a hoe that they gave me permission to teach.

And I got taught by a nun.

Who was like, don't do it.

Don't do it.

Until you're married. End of class.

Don't do it.

All the credits we're going to put on a movie. Yeah. Yeah, it was really bad. And we, yeah, we will get into it. Melissa doesn't want to get into it.

About what?

Sex ed.

No, we can talk about it.

I don't know. Do I have to teach you?

No, I'm good.

Oh, okay. I just wasn't sure if you eventually got the.

I've brushed up since, yeah.

How did you end up learning?

Honestly?

Michelle Pinchiroli taught you. Our friend from high school. Zandria taught you? Like someone was like, okay, girl.

I had another teacher who was a lay teacher and I went to her and I was like, hey, miss, da, da, da.

And she was like the cool teacher.

Yeah.

And I was like, sister, what's her name? And she was like, and she, I remember she was like.

There's always someone, there's always a teacher like that.

She like rolled her eyes and was just like, and then she told me to go get, um, Our Bodies, Ourselves.

Love that book.

Yeah.

You know what my mom did? What? She just put it on my nightstand. Good. She's like, figure it out.

But you know what, though?

If she felt uncomfortable or didn't want to talk to you about it herself, she gave you a good resource. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I remember being like, turning the page and being like. What?

I'm supposed to do what?

Yeah.

Yeah. So I did it. I do remember we called one assembly and we were teaching the kids.

Can I ask you one question? I'm interrupting you. Just one minute. We're going to give me a bell. Is this before or after the accreditation?

This is before.

Please.

Before my high school was accredited.

Please continue. That tells me everything, but go ahead. A child was left behind. No, several childs.

So they were like, okay, like teach health or whatever. So me and my friends, we gave a cookie to everyone. And you pass the cookie down to the center. When it got to the middle, we were like, okay, whoever has a cookie, you can eat the cookie now. And they were like, we don't want to eat the cookie.

And they said, why? Because they said everybody touched it. And we said, exactly, you don't want to put things in your mouth that everyone's been touching. That was the lesson.

Class dismissed.

Was there a quiz?

Let's take a break. Okay. Was there a quiz? You don't want to put things in your mouth that everybody's been touching.

I mean, you know what, though?

That's fair. But also, if everyone's putting it in their mouth, it's probably for good reason. So sometimes that's the best trade. Is it? That's what I learned in adulthood. But back then, I was like, this is the tea. But now, there's usually a reason.

Yeah, there is. Let's take a break.

Let's get into Under Oath about Tucker Carlson. Is it about his hair?

No.

We did Katie Zachariah's hair, so I do have to review his hair as the bald person in the studio. Okay. He's got quite the wavy bang that's so wavy it can't not be treated. Or do you think there's like a little sew-in happening? I don't. I think he's got a little extension somewhere.

I don't, actually.

You think that that man.

Yeah, I think that he's just a floppy-haired man. Do you know what I mean? That's what I think. I just think he's got a floppy head of hair.

I know you didn't mean it, but that is such a read. Like, that is such a.

I mean, I just think... I mean, he... I think there is something about him. Not that he doesn't look dirty, but he looks un-groomed. The hair is like floppy and kind of messy.

Yes.

And I think that he thinks that might be his look.

Okay.

Because the men that were on Fox News are very conservative in appearance. The hair is short and kind of styled.

Yeah.

And his is not.

Yes.

Right.

Totally. So what did he say? I'm reading this quote and this is the first I'm hearing of this.

Tucker Carlson said... The nature of war results in the deaths of innocents.

And if you look at that enough on a screen, it's like if you look at pornography enough or bestiality videos all day, after a while, it's kind of an attractive horse.

I get it.

I'm not into it personally, but it's not crazy. We are shaped by the worlds around us, of course. Is this taken out of context? What was this about?

I actually don't know.

Why was he saying this?

Why was he saying it, TJ?

He was talking about.

about um uh like people that really want to go to war in the military industrial complex and he was like if if everybody around you is always wanting to go to war and all they're talking about is war he's like it's like bestiality if you if you watch enough bestiality porn all of a sudden that horse starts to look attractive talking about like war hawks.

What's going on in the home all sorts i think is what is that what i mean i don't know I didn't even know there was bestiality videos.

Of course there are.

I mean, I guess I knew that they existed, but I didn't know Tucker Carlson was watching them.

Well, I don't know if he is.

He's not saying that he's watching them. He did say that he's not into it personally, but he gets it.

I love that like in the state in America. Yes. We have to qualify whether we're into that or not. People are like, I just got to go on the record really quick. I'm not into that.

Like Selma Blair, who's really into biting.

She's got a rap sheet of bites.

She apparently bit Kate Moss really hard. She cuts the skin.

She's just hitting people up corncob style. She's just going wild. Jason Derulo video of the corncob.

What is happening?

I just got to let people know I'm not into horses. I'm not into biting. I don't want to get bit.

Don't bite a horse. I don't know.

Like Cash Patel's like, if bestiality is on your resume, we will still consider you for the FBI. And now Tucker Carlson softly socializing the bestiality videos. It's getting really crazy. I just think people would cool it before the midterms. Like we'd maybe like. Maybe not everything's on the line right now, but.

This is what I am saying. I am saying.

At.

Every level, we are running out of shit to do to ourselves.

We're just... We're biting people.

We're approving bestiality videos.

I made a Selma Blair joke. And someone was like, she is a mess. And I was like.

Isn't it me?

No, this was on TikTok. Oh, okay. And I was like, so... I do have to let you know that biting people is not a symptom of MS.

No, I know.

But I think what people.

I think that there are some people.

No, no, no.

Hear me out. I think that there are some people who, when they hear that somebody has something like MS, that they will... She has MS, so she's a nice person.

Cut her some slack.

Cut her some slack because she has MS. Meanwhile, somebody could have like terrible cancer, right? But they were a horrible person. Every now and then there'll be like a story that comes out where somebody has died and their families have written.

A scorching obituary.

No one's going to miss her because she was a horrible, abusive parent.

Yes, I've heard of this, yeah.

And there are a lot, I was reading there's a- They cook them. There was something- I think a hospice nurse wrote a book or something. And she was talking about all the people. It was sort of like life lessons towards the end of your life. So people who were just like, I wish I would have spent more time with my friends, my family. I wish I would have tried to sing. I always wanted to sing, but I was afraid. And there are people who are like, I want to see my child again. I was not a good parent.

And they wouldn't. And they cut me out of their life.

Yeah, they're coming to the end of their life. And now they're like, could you please reach out to my child? And she said there are so many times she has done that. And the person on the other end has been like, absolutely not. Wow.

Well, I always wonder, maybe this could be good for Tales from the DMs. If you guys want to send in your stories. I always wonder about like, right? There are a million different types of relationships, right? I have a therapist describe it as like the constellations in the sky of like different relationships. What's normal? What works for people?

You have a kid. You don't know what's going to happen. And CJ, if you need to leave, if this is triggering, because I know you just had a baby. Thank you. um you have a kid there's no like guarantee that it's gonna like you or you're gonna like it no like i know there's biological shit where like yeah yeah what if your brain rewires what if your kid is terrible or just like yeah you don't i don't know you're not that close or whatever like you just And I always wondered, what's that? Like, I'm close with my parents. Like, we get along great. Love going to dinner with them.

We kiki. We have a good time. But, like, I always wondered, like, what if I know people who are not close with their parents at all.

Yes.

Barely even talk.

Yes.

Maybe go home for Christmas.

Yes.

I always wondered about those types of relationships.

I mean, I think Oprah recently or kind of– or I saw it recently. She had a whole episode about people who are, like, going no contact with their parents. With their parents. And she had people in her audience talking about it. And then she had a couple of parents who decided to go no contact with their kids.

That's who I want to hear from. Parents who were like.

Well, so one of the parents said that her son is a drug addict.

I was thinking. My first thought was addict.

Drug addict who she tried really hard. She and the dad tried really hard to get him into rehab. He paid for it multiple times. He's stolen from them, yada, yada, yada. And she said that... He was sucking the energy out of the household, out of the family, and they didn't have enough time to put into the other kids because he was the problem.

They got this whole other family.

So she went no contact with him. That's awful.

Yeah, it is. I mean, and she presented it in a way where you could tell she felt bad, but she also was resigned to what she had to do.

Yeah, especially if you have other kids. You got to watch out for them.

Or even, you know what?

Even if you don't have other kids, like you're- You're still a person.

Right.

There can't be somebody in your life, parent, child, spouse, sibling, who is the succubus in your life.

Yeah.

And I'm talking about extreme- And that's.

Why you staged that person's office.

Yeah. I was helping.

Yeah.

Them and me.

Oh, addiction's so crazy.

Oh, it is.

I mean, and, you know, I feel for people who are struggling with that. My dad, so my dad was a Vietnam veteran and he had a friend of his, like the one friend that he kept, right? The guy was Maltese. And that guy's son died. He OD'd. And my dad went, whatever. And it was like a young guy at the time. And His friend said to him, I love my son. I'm so sorry he's not here.

But now my family is at peace. Because he was wreaking havoc in their lives.

Constantly relapsing. I had a boyfriend OD when I was in college.

That's hard.

It was awful.

That has to be horrible.

And his family. I don't know. for for him it was like very clear that his addiction was connected to something his family not liking him for being gay or whatever.

Oh and it was.

Like so because like i'm fine my family was like so chill about it but it was always so weird to come from that and then be around other people who were not from similar dynamics right and it's like i don't I was young, so my brain wasn't fully developed and I was drunk. It's really hard to understand that, especially at that age when you didn't really have a lot of context. Right. Now I'm like, oh, I see exactly what was happening there. Yes. I get it. Yes.

It totally makes sense.

That's something that happens as you get older. You look back and you're like, oh. That's what was going on.

His dad was hitting him. Got it. Okay. Yeah. You like don't, it just doesn't click because you're such a, I don't know. When you're a teenager. Yeah. Too many hugs, not enough hugs.

Inappropriate hugs.

You were, you were not enough hugs. Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

And you were too many.

I was too many hugs. Yeah. Yeah. Three types of people in the world.

What kind?

Comment below.

Comment below. Which hug are you?

No.

Actually, don't do that.

Don't do that.

No, no, no, no.

Okay. Should we get into Tales from the DMs? Should we see what people are writing in? See what sick and twisted things people want us to read?

Let's do that, friends.

Okay. What do you always say?

What do I always say?

Say it with me.

While Michael is a lawyer, he's not your lawyer, so you should get your own.

Okay, New Moon Magic wants to know, regarding the latest episode talking about early voting, my partner is worried that if we vote early, they are counted as absentee votes and don't show up in the election night count. Is that true?

I don't know.

I don't think so. CJ's going to Google it. Because I don't know. But I'm going to guess and then we'll confirm with CJ. Because my guess is that if you voted, it counts. Even if it's not in the election night, it's going to count at some point. So eventually they get– if you're in line, stay in line.

So like eventually they're going to get to your vote, right? So if you vote early, I think they're counted. Because I'm seeing a lot of like early voting polls are open now. Like Georgia is open right now.

Yeah, New York isn't open right now yet.

No, but I put it on my calendar.

Yes.

I saw that they mailed it to my house and I put it on the calendar because I want to go that first day. But in Georgia right now, they're counting all the early votes. So if that's a harbinger of how it works, then we'll find out. Yes, they are included. Yes. Yep. I'm getting reports now that they are included in the election night count. So your partner told you that? Your partner's a liar. Don't listen to them.

Or your partner.

Didn't know just like we didn't know two seconds ago. But tell your partner if they're not listening, they should. And I'm on Cameo if they want me to make a video.

Not Michael just shilling his Cameo.

I filmed the cutest Cameo last night. A lesbian couple.

Okay.

One month anniversary, they're moving in together.

Of course they are.

They were like, we want to celebrate with a cameo from you. I was like, this is, I was like, refund the fee. I'm making it for free. This is the best thing I've ever made. Of course they are. It's one o'clock in the morning. So it was like, it was an expiring one. I had to make it before bed. And I was like, turning on the lights.

Brad's like, what are you doing? I'm like, a lesbian couple just got engaged. It's been one month.

It's been a whole month.

How do you keep it fresh, ladies?

They even said U-Haul in the recording. Okay. Which one do you want to read?

So just because I know who this person is. Poonie's mom regarding... Excuse me? Poonie. Poonie's mom regarding Selma Blair. But she been biting people.

You know who that is?

Yeah, I do. Zan.

Friend of the pot? Yeah. The pet? No. Of the child?

Poonie is.

For some reason, when he was born... She made up a name for him, and it was Poonie.

And it stuck.

Yeah, but nobody calls him that. His name is Matthew. We only call him Matthew. No, nobody calls him Poonie. Nobody.

That's crazy.

It's so funny.

Yeah, Selma Blair, she's been biting people. There's a long history of... Okay, Heather Glasgow won. I hope we have an international following. Michael, love you. R.E. Kelly Clarkson, it had a price tag.

Wow, this really.

This took off.

We were there when the meme began. We originated. We were there when the meme originated. Yeah. Oh, I guess I said that it wasn't for sale. It had a price tag.

Oh.

And so I guess she was asking if she could buy it. Are we Kelly Clarkson apologists?

I don't understand the story.

She was like, I want to buy this bird. And they were mean to her about it. And then she went to Twitter and smoked them.

Right.

And now... Chaos ensues. Brad and I are being Kelly Clarkson and the bird for Halloween.

Which one are you?

Why don't you guess, actually? Why don't you tell me which one I should be? Because this has caused great debate in my friend group.

The bird.

Okay. So I was told.

Yes.

I'm going to look at every camera. I don't have the gravitas to be Kelly Clarkson. Why you got to play me like that? The rudest thing to say is the gravitas to be the American Idol. I have to be a bird? I have to be an animatronic bird? What are you not saying? What are you not saying?

No, I'm not.

I think.

Okay.

If you had to be any animal.

I would be a bird.

Or a giraffe. Maybe you'd be one of those birds that sit on top of the giraffe's head.

Comment below what animal we'd be. What animal would you be? Some sort of cat-like. Your eyes are very cat-like.

Yeah, I think I might be a cat.

What do people say? Like, what animal do you get? I get giraffe and bird that sits on top of a giraffe.

Yeah.

I feel like people say panther to you, but that's like because you're wearing a lot of black and gold? Like, I don't know. Like, I don't know if you're black. Like, I feel like i think that's just like a default.

Um so my favorite animal is a hippo.

Yeah we know i love i love them they're so cute i know they're yes i know all you do is fucking.

Send me hippo videos babies oh it's out of control andrew dang of it all he was like who's the other one it's names like celery there's like a couple there's like it's like mudang and celery okay There's a second hippo.

Fiona.

It's Fiona. I knew it was something like Fiona.

I want to read this one because they agree with me.

Every girl named Fiona is going to just be my DMs.

No, no.

The hippo's name was Fiona.

We're not making it up.

She's big now, though.

She is.

She grew up. I think she was born during the pandemic. She's six years old.

She's huge. She's huge now. She's a big bitch. She came to eat, girl. She had her.

From Uncle Maricot, I think. I'm sorry if I'm saying that wrong. Anyway, they say, I feel so seen. I hate bananas, just like Melissa. And no one understands. Maybe you can't taste it, but I could smell it from here. Also trying to find smoothie recipes that don't use bananas is futile.

That's actually true.

Love you both and this show so much.

Bananas are like a load-bearing ingredient in a smoothie.

And the worst thing about it is if you go to a smoothie place and you say, I want the X without the banana. Well, no, they'll make it for you, but they don't ever really wash that thing very well.

It's like a bit of a rinse.

You can smell. You can still kind of taste the banana.

The essence of banana. That shit makes me so mad.

I'm getting so into perfumes. Wait, do you want to smell this one? Wait, smell this one. I'm getting really into... Nice. Thank you. Okay. So I'm getting really into perfume talk. Okay. And there's this perfumer, like, reviewer, and I check... Is it a guy? It's a girl.

Okay.

And she's in perfume school. Oh. She's learning how to, like, make perfume.

Does she have.

Is she a nose?

Excuse me?

There's what they call them, the people who are able to identify certain.

Like a super smeller or something? Yeah.

The nose.

So she reviews all these perfumes and all, like, And then I'll buy a sample to see if I like it.

Okay.

And so I'm trying them all out. That smells nice. Because I have ADHD, I don't remember what it is. And then I move on to the next one really quickly. Okay. So right now I just have about 50 samples in my house. And I don't know what any of them are.

They're not labeled?

Some of them are, some of them aren't.

They're not labeled? Who's sending unlabeled fragrances?

Well, they're in like a thing with a label and then I'm just putting them in there.

Okay.

It's really, no, it's always going to be me. That's the problem. It was never them. But yeah, those bananas, they're everywhere. Now that I know that, I see them. But you eat plantains. You eat fried plantains.

Yes.

I've eaten a fried plantain with you.

Mm-hmm.

It's kind of like a banana.

It is absolutely not.

Okay.

I mean, it's in the banana family, but they do not taste the same.

Comment below.

Comment below. Green plantains do not taste- Green.

Those are tostones. Those are different from plantains.

No, they're not.

Yellow plantains- I need to calm down.

Take the bass out your voice when you talk to me, first of all.

I need to calm down. No. I heard it.

Plantains is the thing, right? Sometimes they're green.

Yeah. Sometimes as they get more ripe, they turn yellow, but it's still a plantain.

But you'll eat the yellow plantain?

No.

That's what I was asking.

Yes. I will eat the green plantain.

Okay.

Not the yellow plantain.

Okay, so then I want to know if he's eating the yellow plantain.

Probably not.

Because the riper the plantain gets, the more like a banana it tastes.

And I always say that. That's always been my catchphrase. I've always said that.

Anyway.

Will you eat a green banana?

No. Oh. Because it's still got a banana taste. I mean, I don't like bananas, guys.

At the end of the day- This has become the dog and banana review.

I don't like bananas. You know what? Here's a list. I don't like bananas.

I don't like Boston.

I don't like bananas. I don't like hazelnuts, and I don't like blue cheese.

No blue cheese.

And I'm allergic to eggplant, which is not the same.

I love blue cheese. Same. Oh, my God. I love it.

I don't like that either. No. To me, it does. Immediately, I'm like, ooh.

So what do you eat with hot wings?

I kind of like my hot weeds naked.

Really?

Yeah.

You like really spicy, though, so I bet it's got a lot of sauce on it.

Yeah.

Okay, do you want to share your hair product and routine, Melissa? Because no one asks me for my hair product routine.

I don't know why not.

I haven't had hair in a good 12 years, so it's been a minute.

I remember when you shaved your head.

It's been a minute. Stylin'. Yeah. The last hair I styled. Anyway, your hair routine? Because I've heard a lot about this. I'm actually quite well-versed. So I can actually join in. I know it has to do with porosity. I know that you've got to take one hair out and put it in water to figure out how porous it is.

I've done the... I'm really... To.

Do the porosity test, your hair needs to be really, really clean and just washed with shampoo and dried naturally with no conditioner or product in it, because then that'll affect the porosity of your hair. So you put it in a thing of water. If it floats, it's low porosity. If it sinks to the bottom, it's high porosity. If it kind of floats in the middle, it's like a little bit of both. And the porosity means how much product your hair can take in. So I have high porosity hair. So it takes a long time for my hair to get wet. It's thirsty. The products that I use, I mean, I'll put it on my socials or I'll write to you directly. How did this person reach out to us?

Instagram.

Okay.

Why are you gatekeeping the products?

I am not gatekeeping. I use two, I use, now I'm using three different kinds of products, right? Three different lines. So If anybody wants to know, one is OrganiGrow. The other one is Curly World. And the third one, I just started using Cardi B's products.

She's got products.

Grow Good.

She's got products. They're good.

They smell really nice.

I just started using them, so I don't know if it's for my hair or not.

Interesting.

Mm-hmm.

I learned from the perfume girl on TikTok that they have to modify scents for the product. So if you get like the Gucci perfume and also the lotion and the body wash and everything, they don't just like add the perfume to each one. They have to like literally change the entire chemical structure for a conditioner, for a shampoo, for a body wash because they'll smell different in each product.

So they have to like adjust it.

I never would have thought about that.

And they have to make it so that when you're washing with the Gucci body wash, you don't smell crazy coming out of the shower. That it actually washes away. Okay. All right. If you guys want to ask your questions about hair products, voting rights, politics.

Immigration issues.

Oh, yeah.

Legal issues.

Someone check in next week, see if Melissa's finally hydrated.

Or don't.

We'll be back after this. Oh, someone said it's brooch, not brooch. And it was you? Is that what you said?

Didn't I say it was brooch?

Okay, well, Erelicia says it's brooch.

Okay, so you're going to believe Erelicia. Never mind that I was sitting here screaming at you.

Erelicia is going to write back and be like, that's not how you say my name. It's Erelicia. I'm going to get in so much trouble. Okay, well, thank you for watching Brief Recess. Thank you for joining us this week. We'll see you next week. Bye. We're going to have a special Halloween episode. Okay, bye. I'll see you in court.

That's right. I forgot about that. This has been an Exactly Right production recorded at iHeart Studios, hosted by me, Michael Foote.

And me, Melissa Malbranch. Our producer is CJ Ferroni.

This episode is edited by Mark Schroeder.

Our associate producer is Christina Chamberlain, and our guest booker is Patrick Hottner.

Our theme song was composed by Tom Breyfogle with artwork from Charlotte Delarue and Vanessa Lilac with photography by Brad Obono.

Brief Recess is executive produced by Karen Kilgariff, Georgia Hardstark, and Danielle Kramer.

You can find me on Instagram at Department of Redundancy Department or on TikTok at Michael Foote.

And I'm on both Instagram and TikTok as Melissa Malbranch.

Got legal questions? Reach out at briefrecess at exactlyrightmedia.com. Listen to Brief Recess on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And of course, we're a podcast with video. Search for Brief Recess on YouTube.

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