Louise Hay: When You Truly Love Yourself, Everything Begins to Change

0:02 So many people ask me, Louise, how can I treat myself well without hurting other people? And how can I treat other people well without hurting myself? It sounds terribly complicated, doesn't it? We want to be loving, but we don't want to be taken advantage of. We want to respect ourselves, but we don't want to become selfish. We want to have beautiful relationships, and somehow we find ourselves either giving too much or protecting ourselves so fiercely that nobody can get close. Well, I believe there is one word that can help us understand this whole situation, and that word is love. Not the kind of love that means pleasing everybody or agreeing with everything they do, I'm talking about genuine love, the kind that includes respect, honesty, compassion, and freedom.

1:12 When we understand what love really means, we begin to realize that we don't have to choose between caring for ourselves and caring for other people. We can do both. In fact, I believe that learning to do both is one of the most important lessons we can learn in life. You know, some people are wonderfully considerate toward everybody except themselves.

1:42 They're always available, always understanding, always willing to make another sacrifice. If someone needs help, they're the first to volunteer. If someone is upset, they immediately begin trying to make that person happy. And yet, when it comes to their own needs, they're terribly unkind. They don't allow themselves to rest. They criticize every little mistake. They feel guilty whenever they disappoint someone. Now, that may look like love from the outside, but I want you to consider what's happening inside. If you're continually exhausting yourself in order to keep everybody else comfortable, where is the love for you? And then there are people who have been disappointed so often that they've decided the

2:37 safest thing is to trust nobody. They criticize others before anybody has the opportunity to criticize them. They refuse to listen because they're afraid that listening might make them vulnerable. They may call this self-love, but sometimes it's simply fear wearing a very impressive costume. A person who genuinely respects themselves doesn't need to make everybody else feel small. You can know your own value without questioning someone else's. I think this is where we begin to understand the difference between trying to be a good person and learning to be a loving person. People sometimes become so concerned with appearing good that they forget to be honest. They say yes when they mean no. They apologize when they haven't

3:36 done anything wrong. They agree with opinions they don't believe because they want everybody to think they're pleasant. But love isn't a performance. Love asks us to be truthful. And sometimes the truth is that we cannot give what someone is asking for. Suppose a friend wants you to spend the entire afternoon helping with something, and you're already exhausted.

4:06 You could agree, ignore your needs, and then quietly resent your friend for taking so much of your time. Or you could say, I'd love to help another day. but I need to rest today. Which response is more loving? The second one is certainly more honest. Your friend may feel disappointed, but disappointment isn't necessarily harm. Other people are allowed to have feelings about our decisions, just as we're allowed to make decisions that respect our own well-being. And I think we need to examine our motives sometimes. When you're doing something generous, are you enjoying the opportunity to contribute?

4:55 Or are you frightened that somebody will stop loving you if you refuse? Those are quite different experiences. Giving from affection can be deeply satisfying. Giving from fear can become exhausting. And when resentment builds up, we may eventually become angry with people who never knew we were saying yes against our own wishes. Now, what about the way you speak to yourself? I have always been very interested in self-criticism because people seem to believe that being harsh with themselves will somehow make them better. They'll say, if I don't criticize myself, I'll become lazy. I'll stop trying. I'll make terrible mistakes. Well, where did we learn that encouragement makes people worse? Think about a child learning something new. If

6:00 the child makes a mistake, would constant humiliation help them learn? Of course not. We can explain what needs correcting without attacking the child. And we can treat ourselves with that same understanding. If you behave unkindly towards someone, acknowledge it. Apologize if appropriate. Consider how you'll respond differently next time.

6:28 But don't spend the next three days telling yourself that you're a dreadful human being. That doesn't repair the relationship. It simply adds more unhappiness. I correct myself with love. I am always worthy of my own kindness. There's nothing irresponsible about that affirmation. It allows you to take responsibility without destroying your self-respect. And as you stop being so critical of yourself, you may notice that you become less interested in criticizing everybody else. You don't need to prove that another person is wrong in order to feel good about yourself. you can recognize that people have different levels of understanding, different experiences, and different habits. Sometimes they'll behave beautifully.

7:26 Sometimes they'll make mistakes. We can respond appropriately without turning every disagreement into a personal battle. Of course, there may be people who have genuinely hurt you, And perhaps you've been carrying anger toward them for years. You remember what they said, what they did, and how unfair the whole experience was. You may have imagined a hundred conversations in which you finally explain everything and they admit that you were right. But how much of your life do you want to spend having an argument with someone who isn't even in the room? I have always believed that forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. It doesn't require us to approve of harmful behavior. It doesn't mean allowing the

8:24 same person to continue mistreating us. You can understand that someone acted from their own limitations and still decide that you don't want to experience that behavior again. Compassion and good judgment can exist together. Perhaps you can say, I release the need to punish you in my mind. I choose peace and I keep my boundaries. You may need time before those words feel comfortable. That's perfectly all right.

9:00 Forgiveness is not a performance and you don't have to rush yourself. But I would love for you to to consider how much more pleasant your present life could become if you no longer spent so much energy rehearsing yesterday's injuries. Now, let's talk about boundaries, because I think people sometimes misunderstand them.

9:28 A boundary isn't a method of controlling another person. It's an honest statement about what you're willing to participate in. You cannot make somebody speak respectfully, but you can decide whether you'll remain in a conversation where you're being insulted. You cannot make another person take responsibility for their choices, but you can decide how much responsibility you're willing to accept.

10:00 on their behalf. Suppose someone becomes angry whenever you disagree. You don't have to shout louder or prove that you're right. You can simply say, I'm willing to discuss this when we can both speak respectfully, and then you can act accordingly. That's a boundary. It's clear, reasonable, and doesn't require you to make the other person wrong for having feelings. And if somebody is disappointed by your decision, you can allow them to experience that disappointment. We don't need to rush around repairing every uncomfortable feeling another person has. Sometimes loving someone means trusting that they can manage their own emotions.

10:52 We can be compassionate without taking over their entire emotional life. I would love for you to remember something very simple. You are included in the love you give to the world. You are not an exception. Your feelings matter. Your needs matter. deserve consideration. Your dignity is just as important as anybody else's.

11:22 And when you truly understand that, relationships can become much more honest and pleasant. You can be generous without becoming exhausted. You can be understanding without excusing mistreatment. You can apologize without humiliating yourself. You can forgive without returning to an unhealthy situation, and you can love another person deeply while allowing them to be responsible for their own life. This is the kind of harmony I want you to create, beginning within yourself and extending naturally into your relationships. Not a world in which everybody agrees with you, but a life in which love and respect guide the choices you make.

12:15 I love and approve of myself. I respect the dignity of others. I give and receive love with honesty, kindness, and freedom. And the more we practice living this way, the more we discover that loving ourselves and loving others were never meant to be opposing choices. They are two beautiful expressions of the same loving heart. Oh, the love of the universe. It is so much greater than most of us have ever imagined. And isn't it wonderful that we can spend our entire lives discovering new ways to experience it? Now, shall we continue together? Before we do, I'd like you to give your body a little attention.

13:16 If it's comfortable for you, gently turn your head toward one shoulder and then slowly toward the other. There's no need to stretch farther than feels pleasant. Let your shoulders relax. Perhaps you've been sitting in the same position for quite a while. Our bodies do so much for us, and sometimes we become so occupied with our thoughts that we forget to give them a little kindness. There, doesn't that feel nice? We can make even the smallest movement an expression of appreciation for being alive. And that brings us beautifully to what I want to talk about next, because I believe love is present in many more places than we ordinarily recognize. People often think of love as something that must arrive in a very particular form. They imagine

14:13 a wonderful romantic relationship, a magnificent gesture, or somebody saying exactly the words they've been longing to hear. And if that particular experience hasn't arrived, they announce, nobody loves me. Well, let's examine that idea a little. What about the friend who telephones to see how you're doing? What about the person who prepares your meal, the neighbor who smiles when you meet, or somebody who takes a few minutes to help you with a problem? Are these not expressions of love and kindness? They may not be the dramatic experiences you were expecting, but they are real. I think we miss a great deal of goodness because we're continually deciding what form it ought to take. We're so busy waiting

15:07 for a magnificent demonstration of affection that we overlook the ordinary ways in which life supports us. Every day your body performs an extraordinary number of activities without requiring your conscious attention. Your heart continues beating while you sleep. Your lungs keep breathing. Your body works to maintain itself in ways you may never even think about. And when you wake up in the morning, there's another opportunity to participate in life. I find that something worth appreciating. And then there's the natural world. Have you ever thought about how much you receive from it? The ground supports you when you walk. The air surrounds you. Plants provide food, beauty, and so many things we depend upon. We are part

16:07 of this extraordinary living world, yet we often behave as though we're completely separate from it. I like to think that loving life includes becoming more aware of our connection with everything around us. We can appreciate the earth, care for the places where we live, and treat other living creatures with respect. Sometimes support arrives in ways we weren't expecting.

16:38 Perhaps an opportunity you wanted doesn't work out, and you discover that you need a different direction. Perhaps someone leaves your life, and although you're terribly disappointed, you eventually recognize that the relationship wasn't allowing you to be yourself. I wouldn't suggest that every disappointment is secretly wonderful. That would be rather unkind to someone who's suffering. But I do believe we can remain open to the possibility that an unwanted experience may help us understand something important. You may discover that you need to develop a new skill, reconsider a decision, or become more honest about your needs. Sometimes a delay gives you time to prepare. Sometimes it simply means circumstances haven't worked out as you hoped. We don't

17:37 always know why things happen, but we can ask what would be wise and loving to do next. And I want to be very clear about something. Trusting the universe doesn't mean ignoring danger. If a situation feels unsafe, Examine what's happening. Get information, establish boundaries, and seek appropriate help.

18:06 You don't have to stay somewhere harmful and wait for life to rescue you. Life loves me, guides me, and helps me recognize what is right for me. I like this affirmation because it encourages us to pay attention. We can listen to ourselves and use our intelligence. Love and good judgment belong together. Now, how do we become more loving?

18:38 I think the first thing we can do is become less interested in finding fault and more interested in understanding. You know, people are extraordinarily quick to judge themselves. They make a mistake. and immediately announce that they're hopeless. Someone else behaves badly, and they decide that person is simply dreadful.

19:04 But what do we actually understand about the situation? Often very little. Suppose you notice that you've been unusually impatient. Instead of criticizing yourself, become curious. Are you exhausted? Have you agreed to too many responsibilities? Is there something you haven't communicated? Perhaps you need rest or a more reasonable schedule.

19:33 Once you understand what's contributing to your behavior, you can begin making useful changes. We can approach other people with that same curiosity. Perhaps someone is irritable because they're frightened or overwhelmed. understanding this doesn't mean accepting insults or poor treatment it simply gives us a broader view we can respond to the behavior without deciding that we know everything about the person I have always believed that love is something we practice. It's easy to say loving words when everything is going beautifully. But what happens when you make a mistake? Do you correct it? Do you apologize when you've hurt someone? Do you keep the promises you've made?

20:27 Those ordinary actions say a great deal about the love we're expressing. And sometimes loving another person means allowing them to take responsibility for their own life. I know how tempting it can be to solve everybody's problems. We see someone we care about making a decision we don't particularly like, and immediately we want to interfere. We give advice they haven't requested. We worry, argue, and become disappointed when they don't do what we think they should do. Well, perhaps they have something to learn from their own experiences. We can offer help when appropriate, but we don't have to live their lives for them. I think there's a wonderful freedom in allowing other people to be themselves. They can

21:27 have different interests, different opinions, and different ways of approaching life. We can respect their individuality while taking responsibility for our own choices. And let's remember that love includes receiving. Some people are excellent at giving but become terribly uncomfortable when somebody wants to do something kind for them. They refuse compliments, decline assistance, and insist that they don't need anything. But why should love move in only one direction? If a friend offers to help you with something, perhaps you can simply say, Thank you. That would be lovely. You're allowing another person the pleasure of contributing. You don't have to immediately repay every kindness as though it were a debt.

22:27 Give generously when you genuinely want to give. and receive graciously when something good is offered. Neither giving nor receiving should become a way of controlling another person. We can enjoy the exchange without keeping a little account book of everything we've done for one another. I also want you to remember that every person deserves to be treated with basic dignity. You don't need to admire someone's behavior to recognize their humanity. There are people whose opinions you won't share, people whose choices you won't understand, and perhaps people you don't wish to associate with at all. You can still refrain from cruelty. You can wish them peace without making them part of your private life. And perhaps we could

23:24 make love a little more ordinary. I don't mean less important. I mean more available. We can become so interested in magnificent spiritual experiences that we forget to be pleasant to the people we meet every day. When someone is speaking, listen rather than planning what you're going to say next. Thank the person who helps you in a shop. If somebody makes a small mistake, consider whether a little patience might be more useful than an angry response. Don't join every conversation in which people are criticizing someone who isn't present.

24:13 There are so many opportunities to contribute a little kindness to the world. And please include your own body in these expressions of love. Eat nourishing foods that you enjoy. Allow yourself sufficient rest. Move in ways that feel appropriate for you. Seek professional care when you need it. You don't have to wait until you're exhausted or unwell before you decide that your physical needs deserve attention. Now, there's another beautiful quality that helps us become more aware of love, and that is gratitude. I think gratitude is one of the loveliest ways to appreciate being alive, but I don't want you to use it as a little bargain with the universe. We don't say thank you simply because we think it will make something better arrive tomorrow. We say

25:15 thank you because something good has already touched our lives today. I would love for you to begin noticing three things each day. First, something your body has done for you. Perhaps your hands prepared a meal, your legs carried you somewhere pleasant, or your body allowed you to enjoy a restful afternoon. Whatever your abilities may be, Appreciate what is available to you without criticizing what isn't. Then remember a kindness you've received. Perhaps somebody listened when you needed to talk.

25:59 Maybe a stranger held a door open or a friend remembered something important to you. Allow yourself to enjoy that kindness instead of immediately dismissing it. And finally, notice an opportunity you've had to express love yourself. Perhaps you were patient when someone needed extra time. Maybe you encouraged a friend or took good care of an animal. It doesn't have to be anything impressive. The smallest loving choices are still meaningful. You may have days when finding something to appreciate feels difficult. That's all right. If you're experiencing sadness or disappointment, You don't need to pretend otherwise. You can acknowledge an unpleasant experience and still recognize something good alongside it.

26:56 Gratitude isn't meant to silence our feelings. It's meant to help us notice more of the life we're experiencing. And I think something rather wonderful happens when we become more aware of how much kindness exists around us. we begin approaching relationships with a little less desperation. We're no longer demanding that one particular person provide every form of love we need. We can enjoy friendship, affection, community, creativity, and the quiet pleasure of our own company. Different experiences contribute different things to our lives. Now, Imagine what happens when you bring that understanding into a disagreement. Somebody says something you don't agree with. Perhaps your old habit would be

27:54 to become defensive, to insist that you're right, or to replay the conversation afterward until you're thoroughly miserable. But when you're comfortable with yourself, disagreement doesn't have to become a threat to your worth. You can listen. You can explain your own view. You may discover that the other person has information you hadn't considered, or perhaps neither of you changes your mind. That's perfectly possible, too. We don't need to turn every difference into a battle. I think a great deal of peace becomes available when we stop trying to make everybody think as we do. Other people have their own experiences and their own understanding. We can learn from one another without demanding complete agreement, and we can

28:51 establish boundaries without becoming cruel. You may decide that a relationship needs more honesty or that a particular behavior isn't acceptable. You can communicate that clearly. If necessary, you can leave a situation that is unhealthy for you You don't need to become hateful in order to make a firm decision.

29:15 When we continually criticize ourselves, we often become very sensitive to criticism from others. When we begin accepting ourselves, we may find that we can listen more calmly and respond more thoughtfully. We don't have to defend our value in every conversation. And because we're no longer so preoccupied with protecting our own image, we have more room to understand other people. This is one of the ways I like to think about harmony with the universe. We recognize that our lives are connected with other lives. Our choices affect people, animals, and the world around us. We can become more conscious of what we're contributing through our actions. Are we encouraging understanding?

30:11 Are we being truthful? Are we treating ourselves and others with respect? Of course, we'll make mistakes. We're learning. There will be times when we're impatient or when we don't respond as lovingly as we'd like. We can recognize that, make amends where appropriate, and try again. Harmony doesn't require perfection.

30:38 It asks for awareness and a willingness to participate more lovingly. And I think that's a very hopeful way to live. We don't have to wait for everyone else to change before we begin expressing the qualities we value. We can become more patient today We can appreciate something beautiful today. We can speak kindly, make an honest decision, or allow somebody else the freedom to be different. I would love for you to feel how simple this can be. You don't have to perform an elaborate ceremony or achieve a particular spiritual state. Start with your ordinary life. Notice how you speak to yourself in the mornings Notice whether you're rushing through a meal without enjoying it. Notice how you respond when somebody needs a little patience. These are opportunities

31:40 to practice love. And please remember that your own happiness matters in this process. You are not here merely to serve everybody else's needs. You have interests, abilities, and wonderful experiences to explore. Enjoy them. The more comfortably you live with yourself, the more naturally you can share your warmth with other people. I want you to think of love as something spacious. There's room for you and there's room for others. You can respect your needs without making someone else's needs unimportant. You can appreciate another person's individuality without abandoning your own. You can give affection freely and receive it without embarrassment. Now, before we finish, I'd like you to become quiet for a little moment. Allow your shoulders

32:44 to rest. Think of someone or something you genuinely appreciate. Perhaps it's a person, an animal, a place you love, or simply a pleasant experience from today. Enjoy that feeling for a few seconds. Then bring the same appreciation towards yourself. You're part of this wonderful experience called life too. And let's say these words together. I choose to treat myself with love without harming others. I choose to treat others with love without abandoning myself. My heart is open, my boundaries are clear, and my actions honor the life within us all. I recognize love everywhere, and I live in harmony with life. I think that's a beautiful way to approach each day. We can allow love to become something practical,

33:50 something we express through our choices, rather than merely something we talk about. You may notice opportunities to be more understanding. You may discover that an old relationship needs healthier boundaries, or perhaps you'll simply become more appreciative of the kindness that's already part of your daily life. Whatever you discover, allow yourself to learn at a comfortable pace and remember Loving life doesn't mean that every experience will be pleasant or that every relationship will work out as you hope.

34:32 It means you're willing to remain interested in goodness, understanding, and growth as you move through your experiences. I want you to enjoy being alive. Appreciate your body. Be kind to the people who share this world with you. Welcome affection without demanding that it arrive in only one particular form and continue creating a peaceful, loving relationship with yourself.

35:05 I love myself. I love life. I am willing to give and receive love freely. I contribute to harmony wherever I go.