Calmfidence: Anxiety-Defying Techniques with Patricia Stark

0:00 Welcome to Next Level Soul, the place where we deep dive into the mysteries of existence, uncover hidden layers of consciousness, and explore the journey of the soul. I'm your host, Alex Ferrari, and every week we sit down with the world's leading spiritual teachers, mystics, scientists, and truth seekers to illuminate the path towards awakening. Here we ask questions that truly matter. Why are we here? Where are we going?

0:27 And how do we elevate our lives, our purpose, and our consciousness to the next level? This is a space for transformation, a space for expansion, a space to remember who you really are. So take a deep breath, open your mind, and prepare to step into your next level soul. Now, if you're ready to take your spiritual journey to the next level, explore Next Level Soul TV, our streaming platform filled with exclusive movies, docs, original shows, transformative series, guided meditations, channeling sessions, audiobooks, and deep spiritual teachings you won't find anywhere else. New content drops every week, helping you expand your consciousness and live from your highest potential. Start your journey today at nextlevelsoul.tv. The views, opinions, and statements expressed

1:18 by our guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the beliefs or positions of Next Level Soul, its host, or any of the companies they represent. Now let's dive into today's episode. I'd like to welcome to the show, Patricia Stark. How are you doing, Patricia?

1:33 Alex, it's so great to be here. Thank you for having me.

1:36 Thank you so much for being on the show. I am excited about calming myself down a little bit and getting a little bit of confidence in my life. And I wanted to have you on the show because I think it's something that, you know, on the show, we talk about mind, body, and spirit, and the mind is such a trickle part of our existence here on this planet while we're here, while we're looking for spiritual enlightenment, the mind does have something to do with it. And I think calming yourself down a bit and learning how to calm certain areas of your mind really will help.

2:07 So what is confidence, which is your trademarked word, which is wonderful. And then when I saw it and I saw the little register, I'm like, son of a, yeah, it's God, why did I think of that? Yes.

2:22 Well, it was something that kind of came up organically as I was writing my book. I initially thought that I was going to be writing a book for people who were in the media, public speaking, communication skills from that angle of business. And then as I went along, I realized this is what everybody wants. Everyone wants this sense of calm and confidence, whether you're speaking with a contractor on the phone or dealing with an irate customer or family member or whatever it may be. And initially the last chapter where I give all of the natural remedies and mindset exercises, that was entitled confidence because it was a blend of those two words that my clients and students kept asking for. And then it dawned on

3:03 me and I was like, no, this is what the whole book should be. So anywhere where I said confidence, I changed it to confidence. And then I knew I wanted it to create something larger than the book. I wanted it to be a brand and mindset. And that's when I trademarked the name and all these different categories.

3:22 So I could do lots of fun stuff with it.

3:25 That's amazing. So it is that combination of confidence and being calm. And I think when you are calm, confidence kind of follows. It's hard to be confident when you're erratic. in many ways. Do you agree with that?

3:40 Yes. And I didn't actually answer the real first part of your question about what is confidence. I kind of went into how I ended up using that term, but yeah, the definition of it for me, and you touched on a little bit in your intro is everything happens from within. It's, it's the universe internally where we're speaking to ourselves, how the story that we're telling ourselves, the things that we're visualizing and If you're someone of faith, you know, there's that saying the kingdom of God is even within. Everything starts from what's going on internally first. So confidence is that sense of I've got this. I can trust myself.

4:19 I can be in charge of my emotions. I can do what it takes to try to think more empowering thoughts and visualize things are going to suit me better internally. than letting that primitive part of my brain go to worst case scenario, panic mode, all these different areas that don't serve us so well anymore and create this inner thread of self-trust and self-reliance where we can control that calm that in turn affects our confidence and all of our outward communication skills and interpersonal skills.

4:55 So I'll use my own personal journey as an example. For many, many years, I was extremely angry and frustrated as a filmmaker because I've been a filmmaker most of my life. And all artists, things don't go exactly the way you plan because thank God they don't, because if not, we'd all crash into a wall. But I was always very angry and I always wondered why I was so angry and would hold on to anger. And that would definitely not help me being calm and I'm generally a very nice, general, funny, kind of cordial guy. But then I would have spurts of anger and then it would come back down where, and I would hold onto anger sometimes for years and it really hurt me. So my question to you is, I'll tell you what I've been

5:44 doing lately and I'd love to hear your thoughts is recently I've been more accepting of when I do have a frustration because life is life and I have children. Uh, so you'd let that frustration come through, but I hold onto it for almost a second or two. And then I let it flow through me as opposed to stopping it and holding onto it, which is so damaging. And then, and then also building it because it can start to snowball out of control. Not that I was an erratic, you know, crazy bastard, but you know what I mean?

6:17 Just within your own world, you could just start talking to yourself. You could start building things up. You're like, oh my God, what's this or that? What's your experience working with clients on how to let that kind of flow out? I've been successful with it recently and it's changed my life by doing it.

6:34 Yeah, I think you touch on something so important that rather than pushing it away or saying, I shouldn't be this way, I don't want to be this way, whatever that emotion is, by letting it come in, acknowledging it, and then working your way through it, it's really the best thing that you can do. We need to acknowledge it.

6:52 We need to sit with it for a while. We need to understand where it's coming from and then try to let it move on. And this goes for, I'll have people say, oh, I shouldn't be nervous. I don't want to be nervous. And then it makes them more nervous. And then they're beating themselves up over that. And I work with a lot of performers and talent as well.

7:11 And a lot of times anger in particular comes from disappointment, comes from depression, comes from discouragement. And we don't know how to process those or we don't identify it as such. And then we get this frustration, this anger that builds up and then we don't know what to do with it. We try to keep it at bay and then it explodes on us because that's what happens when we don't work through things, right? So it's really a matter of getting in tune with those emotions, letting yourself freely express them.

7:41 Sometimes it's almost like a sense of mourning when something we really wanted doesn't come through or hasn't come through yet.

7:47 Right.

7:48 And, you know, those stages of mourning that everyone has to go through and physicians and psychologists will tell us you've got to go through all of those stages. And many times when we're dealing with anger or disappointment, we don't look at it the way that we look at mourning, but it really is a sense of mourning and to give ourselves the gift to be able to really fully express it, feel it, not feel bad about it, not be apologetic about it, not be embarrassed by it and working through it because it's again, you said earlier, we all face discouragement and disappointment and things not going as we think they're going to. And to let that be okay.

8:23 And then more importantly, within the midst of that, trying to say, all right, well, maybe this didn't go as planned or I'm hurt or disappointed or angry here, but what is going right? What do I have to be grateful for? What is some gratitude that I can hold onto? And I talk about this in the book where I mentioned two women, who passed away very young that I knew in my life at different times. And I've had this really strange experience where I'm going through something similar, like you just described, whether it's a disappointment or a frustration or a mourning of something. And I swear they pop into my head when I'm not even thinking about them.

9:01 And they're like, yeah, well, guess what? You still get to be there. You still get to have another shot at something. You still get to wake up. and be with your children or take a breath or try to make something happen today. They don't get to be. And how many famous people, artists, amazing, talented, brilliant people that we've all known in history that no longer get to be here to do any of those things, but you and I get to be here right now.

9:28 We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show. Right. And I always try to tell people and my clients that I work with is it's okay to feel these things. You shouldn't try to push them away. If someone cuts you off, you get angry. If you're an hour delayed, you can get it. It's a natural feeling of frustration because you're trying to control it. something that is uncontrollable, which also brings a whole other conversation in is what causes most frustrations and anger is you're trying to control a situation or a person or a thing that you truly have no control over. And me personally, I've started to let go of the The control, I kind of let go of the steering wheel a little bit in my life.

10:25 But yet I still, as I like to say, I chop wood and I carry water. But where the wood and the water go, I kind of let things go a little bit more. And the second I let that go and stop trying to control everything, because I'm a director. So as a film director, you got to like, you want control of everything, every little minute thing. But you start letting go of things, even in my work when I direct. I've started to like kind of have a guide, have a plan. I understand where I'm going. It's not like a free-for-all, but if an accident happens, you let it go. If that's happening, let it go. Location gets dropped, wasn't meant to be. We're gonna go over here. It'd probably end up better. Letting all that stuff go. Do

11:05 you find all that as well?

11:07 Oh, a hundred percent. A phrase that I hear coming up time and time again in my own life is this or something better. Sometimes we think what we think is gonna be right and good, isn't really what is meant for us. And how many times has it happened in your life where you didn't get something, something didn't come about. And then you're like, oh, if that had happened, then I wouldn't be here or I wouldn't have had this.

11:30 I think of times when we fell in love with a home and we were looking for our first home and we were terribly disappointed when something fell through. And then all of a sudden, when we got the home that we're in now, we were like, thank goodness those things fell through. I went through heartbreaking infertility and we tried for years. And then finally, with some help from technology and wonderful doctors, we were able to have our son.

11:51 And I look at my husband and I said, this is the combination of that DNA of who our son was supposed to be. It wasn't supposed to be any of those previous combinations. This is the boy that we were supposed to have in our life. And I thank God now for the timing of that, right? And it's even when I work with people that are communicating or public speakers or they're on stage or in an interview or in front of the camera. And when you have such a rigid sense of, no, I have to say it this way, or it has to be this way, and then you mess up, then it just becomes this big downward spiral. You can't get out of your own way.

12:26 You're locked into this box. It's just an awful place to be in. And then you react and then it's even worse, right? But if we just let things go, have that basic structure like you're talking about, get out of our own way, let things unfold organically the way that maybe whatever your definition is of God or the universe or whatever that frequency is, whatever your thing is, to allow some room for that to get involved. Sometimes when you let go, really magical stuff happens.

12:56 Oh, I'm sitting here talking to you. I mean, this was not, you know, I mean, this is, you know, I have access to people like yourself because I let go and decided to do a show like this where nothing in my history said that this was a good idea. Nothing. I mean, spirituality in the film industry, they like to dabble, but they don't really go deep. So it was something that I really had to come to grips with. But the moment I let go, certain things happened. I was just fascinated by how things, and then I just started to apply that to all parts of my life. And as I've been doing, and I've been walking, walking the path by chopping wood and carrying water, things are happening that I never, ever planned. And I always, you know,

13:44 like the old saying is the, you know, you make plans and God laughs. And it's, it's so true because how many times in our, life? Have we wanted to date a certain person, have a certain relationship, get a certain job, buy a certain house? And if we would have gotten everything we actually wanted, our lives would have been destroyed or miserable or hardship would have happened. Correct?

14:06 100%.

14:07 Yeah.

14:07 I mean, we kind of construct these ideas and images in our mind and we forget that we use something like 10% of our brain studies show. So are we even really thinking to full capacity? Are we even visualizing to full capacity? Studies would say, no, they're not. So we're actually limiting ourselves when we only want things to be a certain way because there could be such a bigger plan, such a bigger path that we can't even grasp ourselves. So if we don't get out of our own way, we're not open to that.

14:45 Now, one of the biggest problems I think we as a species has, very unique to us, is what many call the monkey brain. The brain that doesn't stop chattering, chatter, chatter, chatter. Now, I forgot who said this. It was a quote that I don't know where I remember it from, but it's a fantastic quote. It says, if you Had a person in your life who spoke to you the same way you speak to yourself, you would want them out of your life as fast as possible. And I am absolutely guilty and was guilty of absolute barbaric things I've done to myself mentally. The talk that I did, the abuse, beating myself up over things over the course of my life.

15:29 that were never constructive, where do you, how do you calm, in your opinion, that monkey mind, that kind of chatter, chatter, chatter, negative or not negative? Let's just say, let's just general chatter, and then we'll get into negative talk and things like that.

15:45 Yeah, well, certainly we all experience that. We're all struggling with so many things. You We're not only constantly telling ourselves a story about ourselves, but we're even interpreting what other people are doing and saying and thinking about us. We're constructing that all in our mind. We're making a lot of stuff up about a lot of things that are really many times not even true. And I also talk about in one of the chapters, the idea of inner critic. versus inner coach. So our inner critic is somebody that is in the back of our mind. It's really a scared us, our inner child, our inner defense mechanism.

16:22 It's trying to protect us, but it's doing it in a very primitive way. And it will talk to us about everything that could be bad or that's wrong or that's not right or that we're not enough, right? But then we now have the ability to also speak to ourselves a certain way. And you mentioned that it's not always that kind, but when we know we have that power to talk to ourselves like an inner coach and we realize our value. And that's hard to do because a lot of people, because they've been beaten up, they've had trouble, they've had other human beings label them and tell them who they are. And to be able to know your own value and speak to yourself as your inner coach and drown out that inner critic is something

17:06 that we can all accomplish and work toward. And you then decide, I'm going to talk to myself the way that I would talk to a friend. I'm going to talk to myself the way I would mentor someone else that I was trying to help. I'm going to encourage myself the way that I would encourage someone else. But it's a learned optimism. We can be born leaning in the direction of pessimism. We can be in that place because of what's happened to us in our lives. But at some point, we need to come to realize that we're adults now. And the one thing that we do have control of is how we react to things. We can't control what's happening, but we can control how we react and we can control the story that we're telling

17:48 ourselves and how we're going to speak to ourselves in a more optimistic, encouraging way. And it's harder. Does that take work? Absolutely. It's so easy to be negative and listen to the inner critic. It takes no effort or energy at all, but it's worth the effort to flip it And talk to yourself as the inner coach and tell that inner critic to go wait their turn in the corner. And I'll talk to you later on when I have time.

18:14 Do you know the story of the cheesecake story?

18:17 I'm not sure.

18:18 So the cheesecake story is this. You're at dinner and it's happened to everybody. You're at dinner and you've had a full meal. You're stuffed. Then the dessert tray comes out and there's a cheesecake there. And in your mind, your inner voice starts saying, it's okay, have a piece. I'll be fine. You work out a little extra. You do another hour of cardio. You'll be perfectly fine. Enjoy your cheesecake. So then you're like, fine. And you eat your cheesecake. Then you get home that night, take your clothes off and you look in the mirror and that same voice says, you fat pig, how could you have eaten that cheesecake? And it's so fascinating. That was the first, when I heard that story, I was like, my God,

19:00 your mind is that voice inside you is the most wonderful thing and the most evil thing, both at the exact same time, because it can lift you up, but it can bring you to your knees. It's an extremely, it is a struggle that we all have in our life, in this experience that we're going through, that we have to decide what voice do we want to listen to?

19:24 What kind of control we want to have over that voice? We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show. And we, many people don't think they have control because they're running off instinct. Like I want this pleasure. I want that pleasure. Like our main drivers avoid pain, gain pleasure. I mean, that's end of the day. That's all our drivers. So many people just drive off of that. But when you sit back for a minute and start actually analyzing and step back and start viewing it from a distance, you can start choosing how you want to live and how you want to work with this voice, which will never go away.

20:06 But it's about how you deal with him or her.

20:09 Yes, you're 100% right. And you can hear it, but decide not to take direction from it. And I find that when we talk about monkey brain, and you hear that a lot when people are first learning how to meditate. And some people feel like, oh, it's too hard. I don't know how to do it. Oh, it's all this new age hooey, you know, blah, blah, blah. What it really is, is just giving yourself time to be silent, to try to slow everything down and to go within.

20:35 But most people either don't think they can do it. They don't want to be alone. A lot of people want to be surrounded by as much distraction as possible because it's a scary thing to sit alone with yourself. It's a scary thing to go in deep, but that's the only place that you can go to really begin to know yourself, to trust yourself, And to have that silence where we're not bombarded with all of these distractions, because I don't want to get off on a whole tangent here of like the power of the law of attraction and like frequency and all these other things, because everybody has different opinions about that. But what I do know and what I have experienced is, is if you spend time with yourself, really working on your inside, Not

21:25 only how you're talking to yourself, but what you are visualizing and what you want to create in your life. And you do that work. Think about anything that you see around you. Everything other than things from nature was once an idea in someone's mind. Our mind is incredibly powerful, but there is so much vying for our attention. There's so many things that want to take our distraction away and not let us realize that incredible value. true power that we all have internally to make amazing things materialize in our lives and in the world.

22:00 Yeah. And I think that brings me to my next question is the power of the story that we tell ourselves. And I've gone through the gambit. I've told myself that you're a worthless piece of you know what. Other times you think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Two different extremes that you should really never go down when the ego is completely out of control. I know if you work with people in Hollywood, you understand that that never happens. So I've been at both extremes where you're at the very lowest, lowest, lowest, at the very.

22:32 High, high, high.

22:34 And that story that you tell yourself is so powerful that it does construct your life. You are building the world around you. And I know that's hard for a lot of people listening to understand, but you truly are building everything that's around you. You have built good and bad. And you're attracting the good into your life. You're attracting the bad into your life or whatever in the term good or bad is also very gray area at this point.

23:05 But you are constructing what you want in your life and you have a choice. If you are not happy with where you are and you want to go somewhere else, start educating yourself, pick up a book, go on the internet. If you're listening to this, you obviously have access to the internet. watch some videos, read some books. There's so many ways that you can start bettering yourself or going into the direction you want. But look, no one handed you anything, I'm sure. No one's handed me anything in my life. I started off with one little podcast. Nobody knew the hell who the hell I was. And almost seven years later, I have two really, really popular podcasts in another space, in the filmmaking space. And now I

23:47 have this podcast, which is growing at an exponential rate that I can't even comprehend at this point. But I built, I did it. I made it happen. I made it happen myself. So I did. But that was a story I was telling myself because originally the story I told myself was like, oh, you're a filmmaker. You're not an educator.

24:07 You're not there to help anybody else. You're only there to teach, do your own thing. But the moment I switched the story and said, no, I'm here to serve. that's when things opened up for me.

24:17 And it's the best energy in the whole world. It for sure is. I grew up, we didn't have money. My father worked in a shoe store. My mom worked in a factory. Both my brothers went into the Navy. My sister got married and had a family very young. And then here I am number four child. And I'm like, I don't know what to do. No one was really pushing me to go to college or was even saying that was a good idea. And I started seeing all of my friends going to college and I was like, oh, I think I better do this, you know? And It took me 10 years to pay off my college. I've always had to work for something. It was never handed to me. I've certainly had my ups and downs of, you know, feeling like a failure, feeling like, you know,

24:58 one day you're feeling like you're on top of the world and the next day you're like, I suck. Like, this is terrible. I mean, even at one of the beginnings of one of the chapters, I quote David Foster and he has a famous quote of saying, you know, on Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays, I think I'm the greatest thing in the whole world. And on Wednesdays and whatever the day is, I didn't just say it. I think I'm a failure and I haven't achieved anything. And then Sundays, I don't think about it at all. And here's somebody that's achieved amazing, creative, wonderful things. And he even thinks this way. So it is something we all share in common as human beings. And I think it's very hard for people to realize that we have this power at

25:37 our fingertips. And the thing that always struck me, though, over the years was that I became an avid reader of different biographies of successful people and a lot of personal professional development books. And that's why I ultimately wanted to write one for myself because they really had a huge impact in my life. And one thing I really was astounded by in all of these things that I had read was that there were people that came from horrible, tragic backgrounds or were deprived of different things or just went through things that, you know, just Whatever I went through not seemed like a big deal, but whatever you're going through is big for whoever you are, right? But anyone that went through things that could have destroyed them,

26:21 could have set them on a path where they really had terrible lives. There's an example in everything where you see someone who overcame it. and ended up on a better side of life and created wonderful things. So that always struck me. I was like, if one person can do that, that means anybody can do it by thinking the right thoughts.

26:42 No, no, no question about it. It is, it is one of the most powerful things you can do is having that, that story you tell. Cause you know, God, it's, it's, it's so, it's so powerful because I've been like you, I've been on both sides. I've been on, I'm the biggest piece of crap and, and I'm horrible and everything.

27:00 And then, You feel like you're on the top of the world and both are very, they're delusions. They're illusions, if you will. Delusions and illusions sometimes. There has to be a balance between the two. And which brings me to imposter syndrome, which is, I didn't know this, but rampant in not only the world, but because of my other shows, I've had the pleasure of speaking to extremely high performers, Oscar winners, Emmy winners, and so on. All of them. Every single one of them. I always ask.

27:35 And they're like, oh, absolutely. I had the creator of Friends and Grace and Frankie on the other day. And she was like, oh, I'm terrified when I have to write. I'm like, what? You've created two of the best shows ever. You're a legend. What's wrong? Many other Oscar winners I've talked to, they're like, yeah, I I sometimes sit there, I'm on set. I'm like any moment now I feel security is gonna walk in and they, oh, they found me out. They found out that I don't know what I'm doing. Can you talk a little bit about imposter syndrome and how we can kind of overcome it?

28:08 Yeah. I mean, I go through it myself. When I was first starting to write my book, I was like, who the heck am I to be an author? I even have a hat hanging up here that says author on it just so I could wear it to try to convince myself. I mentioned that I went through terrible infertility when I first walked into a maternity store and I wasn't showing yet. I thought everybody was looking at me thinking, what is she doing in here? She doesn't seem like a boy.

28:30 Wow.

28:30 Or, you know, the first time I was called Mrs. or Mom. I mean, strange things that we all go through, right? But, you know, as you were talking about imposter syndrome, all these different stories started popping into my head. I mean, I remember reading about Maya Angelou, who wrote 11 books, who was this amazing, wonderful, wise, old soul, right? said that she was waiting to find out if people thought that she was running a game on people. I remember seeing an interview back many years ago with Condoleezza Rice.

28:56 She said that she'd be around in the Oval Office and be waiting for somebody to be like, why are you here? I mean, fill in the blank. I could keep going on and on. And I'm sure that you could too with so many stories. But when anybody's trying to do something they haven't done before, when they're out of their comfort zone, when they are becoming something that they never thought that they would be or that was possible for them, or could still be currently in that, still thinking like these people that I just talked about, right?

29:23 It affects everybody.

29:26 We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show.

29:35 And I think that the way to combat that is to just know that fact. that everyone feels this way at some point or another and maybe a lot. So you're in good company, first of all, right? And whenever I start to get that imposter syndrome, whenever I start to get that discomfort and that awkwardness, I've gotten used to now the story I'm telling myself is I say, there it is. That means I'm growing again. I'm becoming something I haven't been. Something is changing. When it's uncomfortable, that's why they're called growing pains because they're not growing tickles.

30:12 And what I will also recommend to people and even myself, and I've had to do this just recently, is take a personal inventory before you go into a situation. Let yourself see yourself on paper and say, ah, all right, I have earned a seat at the table. This is why I am able to be here. And when you go about what you said about being of service and giving value, that's a real tipping point that I will tell people when they get up in front of a stage or in that job interview or in front of that camera, I'll say, you know, if you're starting to really picture things and you're starting to get in your head, you're being self-focused, which is another word for self-centered. Guess what you have to do? Remember why you're there. You're

30:53 there to give value, to be of service, to take the spotlight from yourself and put it on the people that you're talking to. And if you make your audience be the priority or the person that you're talking to be the priority, and you're really there to give value and be of service, that takes an enormous amount of pressure off of ourselves, puts us in such a different mindset of, you know, I don't have to be perfect.

31:19 It doesn't have to be how do I look? How do I sound? I hope they like me. When you show up, they're wanting to be of help and wanting to be there to do something for others.

31:30 Yeah. And I love that you said that's called growing pains, not growing tickles, which I will steal from you now. It's fantastic. There's a great thing because I always get the analogies. Like if you're growing your muscle, you have to tear it down. That's right. So any sort of growth, even the growth of a plant through concrete, a plant through dirt, The struggle to grow, it's a struggle. It is not fun. It is painful losing, you know, going into losing weight or getting into shape. You're out of your comfort zone. It's going to be painful reading new, getting into new worlds, having a new job or starting a new company. All these new things, all things new that don't, you're not used to are stresses. And that

32:18 stress that those pressures are what make us stronger. And that's what makes us grow. And I'm sure you have a lot of shrapnel from life. I have a lot of shrapnel from life. And that's what makes, I've gone through some terrible things in my life, but they've made me who I am. And it always sounds like, I wrote a book about my first one. When I'm really like the darkest times of my life, I wrote a whole book about it. People always ask me, they're like, do you, would you change it? And I said, no, because I needed that In order to become who I am, I can't be the person talking on this microphone without going through that pain. Nobody wants pain. We all want butterflies and rainbows. All of us. We all just want

33:04 to relax. There's plenty of money. You're living a good life. You get to enjoy yourself. Everybody just wants that. They want peace. And you can't have that to a certain extent once you go once you go inward and start finding out who you truly are inside, that's why you never see a Yogi, you know, who's worried about his car payment.

33:30 Exactly. But before we get into the Yogi and that, and I wanted to say something that you said just a little bit ago that made me think of a wonderful quote that has always served me well, when things were breaking down or hurt was happening or fracture was happening.

33:48 And it is, The cracks are where the light gets in. Roomie.

33:52 That's roomie.

33:55 First time I heard that, I was like, what a beautiful way to look at things. It really, it's just, you know, nobody wants to feel like they have to go through something horrible or when the tragedy happens, no one wants to hear, oh, you're going to grow from this. So that's a good way to grow. You know, that's not what you want to hear at that time. And it can be really inappropriate to tell somebody that or even think that way if there's something happens, but studies again, show that people that really succeed and really do great things and have that, that tenacity and that persistence. And it's usually stems from adversity. You know, when, when you don't have adversity, you really don't have to do a

34:41 lot of effort. You really don't. What is putting the fire under your butt? Not usually a lot, but when you have adversity, And you have to survive and you have to try to find a way, you know, to get out of this deep, dark place that you're in or overcome something that is so horrible or impactful in your life. And you get to the other side and work your way through adversity. Like that's it's just studies just show that that so many people that have achieved a lot, it's usually because they experienced adversity, not the opposite.

35:15 Are you familiar with David Goggins? the writer, ex-Navy SEAL.

35:21 What would a book be called?

35:23 Oh God, I forgot his name of his book, but he was like, he's considered like the toughest human being on the planet. He went through Navy SEAL training, he went through Texas Reign. He's the only person in the military to ever go through all these specialized trainings and make it through. And they asked him, what makes you a Navy SEAL? Like what is the caliber of the human being that gets through? Because it's the toughest thing of, a human being could go through physically and mentally for that matter. And he says, first day or two, the biggest muscle-bound guys, gone. Can't handle it. The jocks who were the quarterback at high school and college, can't make it.

36:04 The guys who are all tatted up, who are trying to prove something, they don't make it. The guys who make it are the skinny, scrawny guys who have been fighting their entire life. life, adversity on top of adversity. Those are the guys who make it, not these big muscle bound, because those guys haven't had the same struggles.

36:28 They've always been blessed genetically, or they've had all these opportunities. It's the ones that struggle that make it into the Navy SEALs. And you just sit there, you think about that, and you're like, makes all the sense in the world. You need that life shrapnel to go through something like that.

36:44 Because if you haven't had if you, if your metal hasn't been tested, which is what life is, you've got to be tested constantly. If the metal is not tested, the metal is not strong.

36:56 Right.

36:56 Right.

36:57 A hundred percent. And you know, my father used to say that the sword only gets sharp when it's banged up against the rocks and you know, all that. And, you know, of course he'd classically say that when I was going through a tough time in my life or whatever it may be. But yeah, when you go through things and you, you get desensitized to certain things or you realize what you can control and what you can't control with that. And that's one great thing about being on the world for a little bit longer than other people might be is that naturally, if you allow it to unfold this way, you do build this natural sense of calm and internal wisdom and trust and serenity because you've learned by going through whatever you've gone through. And that's,

37:43 a gift of aging is to know that that comes with the territory, you know, and to try to you know, have shortcuts to certain things isn't always the way, you know, that it's going to work, like you said. So, you know, that builds part of that confidence that we're talking about. You know, when I was younger and I was really shy and, you know, people would be nasty or talk down to you or bully you or be condescending. You know, we all have our bully stories. We all have all of those stories over the years and stuff. And I remember when I finally felt confident, when I finally liked who I was and I trusted myself, I said, the strangest, I always, I've always said this to my husband. I said, the strangest thing happened is like those people that don't

38:26 even show up anymore. Like I would, I could remember thinking, oh, I hope someone says something to me. I hope someone is nasty. I hope someone does this thing that happened to me in the past because now I know how I'm going to respond or now I know my value and how I'm going to stand up for myself. And those people don't even show up anymore. It's like a lot of different frequencies.

38:48 And that's very true because I had a cousin of mine. When we were younger, every time he would go to a club, he would get in a fight. And I would go to a club and I'd never get in a fight. And I'm like, dude, at a certain point, I think you're the common denominator in this situation, man. I think you're attracting this kind of scenario. And he's like, I never start the fights. I'm like, yeah, but you're pulling that energy towards you, brother. Because I walk into a club and Never once have I ever gotten to a fight in a club in my entire life when I was younger. And he would get it all the time.

39:24 So we'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show. You're absolutely right. You do bring those kinds of energies. And when you are, when you are super confident or at least confidence, if you will, those kinds of people do don't generally show up anymore because you could easily dispatch them if need be.

39:55 Yeah, you're right. They're just not in that energy place, or at least they might be there and then they don't go there. But it also comes into play when you talk about energy and you talk about what's happening internally and how it affects the external around us. That's why I have chapters in the book about nonverbal communication and body language and things like that, because the story that we're telling inside of ourselves and the energy and all of those things that we're doing, that shows up before we even open our mouths. There's this classic story about this person walking into a bank and they desperately need some kind of a loan and they're desperate and they're all worked up and wired and they're assuming that

40:34 they're not going to get what they need and everything. And before they even get to the desk of the loan officer, that loan officer has already made up their mind that they're not giving this money to this person based on every single thing that has proceeded as that person has walked through that door. They smell it, they feel it. It's just this sense where they know that their money is not going to be in good hands with this person. And yet you'll have another person that walks in thinking the right thoughts, being calm, thinking to themselves, this is why I'm going to earn the right to be here and to ask for this. And this is how I'm going to use this and blah, blah, before a word is even said. And they will always be

41:12 received differently by that person on that other end.

41:15 It's so fascinating because as I was coming up as a filmmaker, I had a cologne called Desperation on. It's like Jakar, but Desperation. And you could smell the stink off of me. And if I was on a set, if I had anybody who had even some remote power, you'd go over them and they could just smell it. And now I smell it when people come to me because they presume I have some sort of power in Hollywood.

41:44 And it's so funny because I was, early in my career, I would have killed to have conversations with Oscar winners, big billion dollar producers, actors, all these kinds of things. And then now, I have those weekly and it, it's such a different energy. Like they actually now come towards me. They want, they want, you know, they want to be on my show. So they come towards me and I, I just, because I don't want, I truly don't want anything from them other than a good conversation. It's, but that that's internal comfort. That's an internal energy. It's a completely internal energy. It's not like I'm saying, Hey man, I don't want anything from you. I'm not literally saying that to them. but they sense that, you know, and

42:23 sometimes they'll sit down and talk to me about things they've never talked about publicly. And it's pretty, it's pretty remarkable. I had a quick analogy, which I heard the other day and I thought it was brilliant. It's going about what we were talking about, the stresses and making you stronger. It's like the same boiling water that softens a potato hard boils an egg. And I was like, Ooh, That's good because it's the same stress could crush somebody or make them stronger.

42:58 Yes.

42:59 Yes. That's great. I heard something similar. Somebody said something about electricity. you know, we don't really know how it works, but we don't question it. Right. We just assume that it works. And then the second line was something like, you know, the electricity can cook your meat, but it can also cook the man. So kind of similar like usages of what you're talking about, but yes, so true.

43:20 And think of how many times that we're, we're literally making up scenarios of what people think of us of what they're going to say yes or no about, what they think is our value or not, or just without opening our mouths, right? Or them even saying anything is what I'm trying to say. But we always, when we do that, when we make those assumptions and we make things up, it's almost always negative, isn't it? Almost always.

43:48 So why don't we do the opposite? If we're making it up anyway, why not just assume everybody thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread? everybody's going to want to get along with me and I'm going to want to get along with them. You know, I had one client that I reached out to after I trained a whole bunch of their people for some videos that they're going to be doing. They produce all these videos every year for their company. And they had me come out to Pennsylvania. Then I worked with a whole crew of them and I thought everything went great. And they seemed all really receptive. Everybody made really good progress. And then I didn't hear any feedback. And now a couple of weeks go by, I reach out to the girl, nothing,

44:23 radio silence, right? So now I've constructed in my mind that they hated everything I did. They were unhappy. Something happened that I didn't realize. I said or did something to offend somebody. Something was going on, right? Now, of course, I take the stupid step. And this is, you know, quite a few years ago. And I'm going to call myself stupid right now because this is one of those moments where I was beating myself up and feeling like a bum and all that other stuff. So I write an email saying, I just happened. I'm so sorry. Like, apologize for something now that I don't even know happened.

44:51 And no one has said a word.

44:53 Right.

44:54 She comes and she gets back about a week later and she's like, Oh, I'm so sorry. I was on my honeymoon in Hawaii. Had nothing to do with me. She's like, we were thrilled. We can't have, we can't have to wait to have you back again. How many times do we do this to ourselves? Even when we know better, even when we have the, the knowledge to know we shouldn't think this way. It's such a human default of a place that we go to again, you know, in this defense mode, trying to protect ourselves. And it's just, it's just something we all share in common. And it's like a default setting that doesn't serve us well anymore.

45:38 It was so funny because I, I mean, I agree with you a hundred percent. And obviously when you're dating decades ago, oh my, how many relationships were ruined because of the exact scenario? Like He's not calling me. He's not this, or she's not that, or this or that. I literally had a call the other day, a text.

45:55 I've been texting back and forth with this person who, you know, I want to try to help, but they've been kind of like, oh yeah, I want to do this, but I can't, this or that. And I started constructing something in my head. And I come to realize it's like, hey man, I can't because I'm getting a divorce. I'm like, I'm in the middle of this really bad divorce. I had no idea. So it wasn't about me or even it wasn't about anything with our relationship. It had to do with something that he was dealing with. And it's so fascinating because most of the time when you walk in a room, no one gives a crap about you because everyone's dealing with their own crap. They're all telling themselves their own stories about how you are looking at them.

46:39 Right?

46:41 Yes.

46:42 Everyone is struggling with something. And if you go into any interaction with that in your mind, think of how differently you're going to approach people. Think of how differently you're going to talk to people and how much it's going to get you on the same level of we're both human beings. We're both struggling with something. We may not be talking about it, but we know it's happening.

47:01 And a lot of people will talk to me about the definition of confidence, right? And I'll say what I know it isn't is it's not cockiness. It's not arrogance. Because when I see, and I'm old enough to know now and to have seen this so many times in my life, When I see a cocky, arrogant person that's not accessible, that's not reaching out to others, I immediately know that, man, are they struggling with some pretty stuff. Man, are they compensating for how they really feel about themselves, right?

47:34 Because the most confident people I've ever met are the people that want to build others up. They're always like, how can I help? How can I be of service? What can I do here? And can you get somebody on a bad day? Absolutely, because again, we're all struggling with something. Somebody could have been bombarded with something or so inundated or just had something happen to them. And then you get that one interaction with them and then you think that they're not a nice person. I always give people a second chance for that reason because as much as I know that really confident people calm people are usually accessible and, um, you know, willing to help others.

48:05 I also know that I got to cut people slack and that they could be struggling or going through something. So I always at least give them that second chance after the second or third time, if I find that you're not such a nice egg to deal with, well, then I just don't include you in my plan.

48:19 Yeah.

48:20 Generally there's generally, there is that going back to energy. Like when you, when you I, I'm very, I don't know why, but I'm sensitive to this stuff. Cause I can like, when I meet somebody, I talk to so many people on a daily basis and have over the years, um, that I have kind of picked up a sixth sense on people. And, and a lot of times I can just see the wall, like a massive wall that is in front of them. And I'm like, wow, as an interviewer, cause I'm not a journalist, I'm like just a guy who likes to have a conversation and And let's see what happens. Having to kind of break down the fences sometimes in that scenario. But in a social environment, when you meet somebody, you can almost feel the heaviness sometimes.

49:12 I'm sure everybody listening has said, man, after I talk to that person, I want to take a shower. Because you just feel dirty. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show. Because of their, they're just something about them that they're just something like that. So when you, so, you know, I had a, when I, you know, when I looked over the book and, and I knew I was going to talk to you, I had a preconceived idea of who you were going to be.

49:45 Tell me, what was it?

49:48 Well, obviously someone who was confident. But when you popped up, the second you popped up on my Zoom, the energy I picked up right away was this, this very confident, not cocky. There's a very big difference. A confident person. who was there to serve. I picked that up within the first few seconds. And it was just, and I don't mean, and I'm not trying to, you know, stroke your ego or anything.

50:13 But I hope for.

50:14 That's yeah, exactly. So, and you know, you're obviously well put together. This is not your first time in front of a camera, but that, but that energy was, I was able to pick up right away. And I can, I can tell within the first 10 or 15 seconds, what kind of conversation we're going to have. And I already knew just by that. I'm like, okay, I, this is all internal in my head. It just goes through lightning fast. but that's the energy that I picked up right away. The second I just saw you.

50:40 Well, right back at you. I felt right away that we were having conversations. Right.

50:45 I try to make people feel comfortable, but, and I'm, and I'm, I'm talking about this out loud in front of everybody for them to hear, to listen, because that energy is something that you can project. Now I don't try to project this energy. You don't try, to my analysis, don't try to put this energy out there. It is who you are now. And it is who I am now.

51:11 And it's so much easier to be yourself. And once you understand being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin, that is the ultimate confidence. Because You are who you are and you know who you are and people are attracted to that. People are attracted to people who know who they are, who are authentic to themselves. I'm not playing a person on television. You're not playing a person on television. These are not characters. We are who we are and we're honestly trying to be who we are.

51:44 And I think that's a lesson that everyone listening can learn from our interaction. This little thing I was just talking about, because generally these are conversations we have off air or on air, but I think it's very instructive in our conversation. Do you agree?

51:57 Yeah, for sure. It's like trying, not trying to be who you think people want you to be. It stems from, again, going down to what's this foundation of how you feel about yourself. If you don't like yourself and love yourself, it's very hard to get there. So we need to start there first. And work on how can I find that if I don't feel good about myself now, if I don't like and love myself then let that be my life's work. How can I get there? I can remember when my son was growing up and nobody gives you a manual on how to raise a kid. You're doing the best job that you think you can. And I can have all kinds of anxiety and worry and everything about, is my kid going to be okay? And then you hear horror stories about kids that don't think

52:44 the right thoughts and do bad things. And there's terrible tragedies and things like that. And I remember along the way, when I would check in with my son, I would always say to him, let's get rid of everything else right now. Do you like you? And if his answer was yes, I knew everything was going to be okay.

53:03 No matter what we were going through, as long as I knew that, then I knew we could get through whatever was ahead of us. And a lot of people don't like themselves or love themselves.

53:16 Most, I'm going to say most.

53:18 Yeah.

53:19 Haven't been, haven't been told or taught why they should. And there's so much compare and despair. There's so much looking at other people's lives and thinking that everything's so great and maximizing others and minimizing ourselves. And when I speak with young groups and teens and preteens, I will, somewhere in my presentation or at the end, I will always say, look, everybody look at your thumbprint, at your fingerprint right now. There is nobody in this entire world that has that fingerprint. So therefore that means that no one can touch the world and touch life the way that you can. Oh, wow.

54:00 That's good.

54:01 And to find that value and know that, I know I happen to be a person of very strong faith. So I know where that comes from for me. And I don't preach that. I'm very open-minded. Everybody has to turn on their own flashlight in this world and find their own path and what's true to them. But to know and value yourself and love and care about yourself Again, it's not a conceited thing. You can't help and love others and really touch others and do all of this being of service and showing up authentically until you do that inner work and make sure you're good with you first.

54:38 Oh my God. It took me so long to figure out that I needed to be loved by myself. No matter how many, by the way, no matter how many people outside love you.

54:46 Right.

54:47 You talk to.

54:48 Alone in a crowded room. You can be alone with a bunch of people that are close to you. And, you know, I know what you're saying. Believe me. Yeah.

54:55 I mean, and you've, and you've, you've worked with celebrities. You understand like they're all day, every day, everyone's like, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. And they, you know, many of them obviously are very well adjusted, but many of them are very lonely and they have horrible, horrible inner voice, horrible stories they've told themselves. And you can see how that plays out in, in, In Hollywood specifically, so many careers are destroyed because of that and their lives are destroyed, let alone their careers because of that. But that's such a powerful statement that you really need to learn that you have to love yourself. You have to forgive yourself for mistakes that you perceive that you've made and that

55:39 you're just trying the best you can in the scenario that you have been given. And if you compare yourself to people on Instagram, that's, they are all lying. They're not.

55:53 That's their sizzle reel. That's their highlight reel.

55:55 I mean, listen, I could show off the best parts of my life too. And everyone's going to think, wow, Alex has it made. And that's not, that's just not the reality of life. So don't, I love the compare and despair because when you compare somebody else's journey to yours is irrelevant. At the end of the day, You leave this world the same way you came in, alone.

56:18 That's right. No matter who loved you, no matter how many millions loved you. You know, when I first discovered that in my own path, when Princess Diana died, I was like, oh my God, Princess Diana died. I was in my teens. I was in high school. And I'm like, oh my God, the world's going to stop now, right?

56:37 But she was arguably one of the most famous human beings on the planet. I know it was probably John Lennon for other people and Martin Luther King for other people. the world kept going. And I was like, oh, wait, this is just my own teenage mind going, oh, wait a minute. The world doesn't stop. I know it's so basic now for you to hear this, but for a teenage young man to get that grasp, it doesn't kind of matter. The world will keep going with or without you.

57:09 So you need to figure out what's important to you and not beat yourself up. And this is from someone who is, my God, I was brutal with myself, brutal in my lifetime. And only when I started to love myself and forgive myself for perceived mistakes, which they're not, they're just lessons you're learning. I think it's such an important thing that you've said. Yeah.

57:35 And I'm glad that you did, by the way. Wayne Dyer used to say, what you can't shoulda, woulda, coulda, you can't beat yourself up because you did what you knew how to do at the time, did the best that you could at the time. So any of us can look back with learning and wisdom and things like that and think we shoulda, woulda, coulda, and all that other stuff. But you did the best that you could do with what you had and what you knew and who you were at the time. And I think having A growth mindset is so important because as soon as we have a fixed mindset and we think, well, this is all I'll ever be, or this is who I am, or, oh no, I'm just that way, or this is just where I came from. And these are the cards that

58:17 I was dealt and everything. We're telling yourself a lie. We are here to learn and to grow. and to continue that throughout our whole lives. I hope I continue learning in my 80s, 90s, 100s, and I hope I keep developing as a human being and finding more ways to help it and serve others. And when you talk about that service mindset, boy, I mean, that really does change everything. Studies show that people who volunteer get sick less, get less disease when we get out of our own muck and mire and we extend ourselves to others. And when you talk about Princess Diana and the world going on, for me, I remember this kind of epiphany that I had where, you know, you'd see like this famous broadcaster or movie star or, you know, fill in the blank,

59:01 whoever you think is like, wow, like that's the best of the best of who I want to be. And, you know, when we have those moments of seeing them on the big screen or in the newspaper or on social media and everything, like we're just seeing like a glimmer moment of that. And we think it's so such a big deal, but guess what? Most of the time people really, I hate to say this, but most people aren't thinking about them in their everyday lives.

59:26 We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. And now back to the show.

59:35 Most people are worrying about, I gotta take care of my family. I gotta take care of my people I care about. I gotta put food on the table. There's goals that I wanna reach. There's people I need to help. You can make such like a big hoopla out of how great you think other people's lives are because you think that they're all that and everybody's paying attention to them nonstop. You know what? No, everybody's paying attention to what's important and what they care about. in their each own individual lives. And when you show up like that and you let people know that you care and that you're there for them and it's not the all about you show or all about me show, it's incredible how much people respond to you. Because no matter what you're on,

1:00:20 no matter what we're doing, everybody's really tuning in to WIFM. What's in it for me? How is this going to impact my life? How is this going to help me in some way? Maybe this is going to inspire me for a minute or make me laugh for a minute or whatever. But then you know what? Then they're going back and they're doing their own thing and they're like forgetting about that again. So when you tap into what's important to each person that you're with, that's like the key.

1:00:42 And it's so fascinating because, you know, again, you and I have both been around the block a little bit. And so we've had a little bit of time on the planet. You know, we grew up with certain stars who were the biggest thing in the world. And now they're not relevant. And for many of those stars, it's a really difficult high to get off of. So, I mean, and I know nothing about Madonna, but I'm going to use Madonna as an example. Madonna was the biggest star for a long time in the world. Like everybody knew Madonna.

1:01:24 If I asked my girls who Madonna is, they would have no idea. And you're just like, first of all, I'm old. That's cool. Not that cool. Secondly, if, and I'm, again, don't know anything about Madonna. I'm just using her as an example. But if Madonna's whole life was based around the fame, the attention, the exterior, when that goes away, that's when the metal's hitting the rock. That's the moment where you're like, what is it really... And that happens with one hit wonders, happens with actors, that happens with musicians, that happens with writers, that happens with name the field.

1:02:01 You could be a star in that field, but when that moment is over, either by age, by circumstance, by society, just saying, that's it, what do you have left? And at the end of the day, you always have yourself who's inside you. And if you feel comfortable in that, everything else really couldn't fall away. Do you agree?

1:02:27 I 100% agree. And I feel like I keep saying 100% to you because I'm so right there. It's like, let's back that up even more. So when I speak to young people's groups, I'm actually going to be doing a career day for teens at the end of the month. And they want me to talk about you as your brand. What are you putting out media.

1:02:47 How do you.

1:02:49 Want people to see you in the world? Who do you want to be in the world? And you can really think about that when you're younger, because stuff doesn't necessarily go away anymore.

1:02:55 I know. Can you imagine if the internet would have been around?

1:02:59 Forget it. Forget it. I'm so glad that we're video telephones.

1:03:03 So glad I was just going to blockbuster.

1:03:06 So true. But like, Think about now who they're comparing and despairing against. When they're looking at these influencers or these celebrities or these old people that are making them feel like they're not enough because they're not them. I like to say to them, guess what? Your kids aren't going to know who any of them are one day, but they're going to know who you are. And the people you care and love are going to know about who you are. So everybody who's all that right now, your kids really, they're going to be like, who?

1:03:38 But that's the thing. But that only only people who've been around and seen it can say, OK, like it took me a while before my girls figured out who the Beatles were. The Beatles, the Beatles at the it all ends. All these influencers now after the next generation doesn't like to pick up the prior the prior generation's stars.

1:04:02 They want to have their own stars. their own influencers. So all these YouTube stars, and by the way, I've actually worked with some of these YouTube stars and they were hot for 10 years, eight years. But in the internet world, that's a hundred years. And now they're struggling to stay relevant because they didn't think five years ahead or 10 years ahead. They're like, dude, you're not going to be doing this for 20 more years, 30 more years.

1:04:28 This is not a long-term career here. You've got to figure, unless you either adjust pivot things out for yourself you know you can't i don't i don't perceive myself in the next 50 years talking about filmmaking on a podcast i might i might but i i've pivot but i do see myself in the next 50 years talking about spirituality mindset and body and health because that never goes.

1:04:54 Away right i mean there's nothing wrong with wanting to be these things that we all just mentioned absolutely having a goal and wanting to be at the top of your game absolutely or as you fill in the blank, right? But, and you just touched on it, always be evolving, always be turning into and growing into more. And the more that you can do that and serve others, the more that longevity happens. You know, I think about books that I've read that really helped me grow into a person that I am today. And some of these books that I read were from the 1920s, the 1930s, 40s, 50s.

1:05:28 And they still had an impact on my life later. And that was one of the reasons that I wanted to try to give back by writing a book. And I hope to write more. And, you know, this was my first one. I don't know what I don't know. I hope I did a good job on it, but I hope to get better and have more out there and even do some for teens and things like that.

1:05:49 But the point is, is that, you know, to always try to attach to your passion and to what you're doing, if you're attaching how it can help others and touch their lives in some way.

1:06:01 Keep going.

1:06:02 That is everlasting.

1:06:04 Absolutely. I would testify for you on that, amen. Because it's absolutely so true. Because if you are being of service, truly, and not coming from a place of ego, that's everlasting. It truly, truly is. And if you are in that place, you will evolve naturally. Yes. You will learn and you will grow. Be Betty White. Everyone should just be Betty White.

1:06:32 God bless her. She kept going until the almost age of 100. She was just about to turn 100 before she passed. And my God, she was doing stuff in her late 80s and early 90s that was just like, what is going on? My daughters know who Betty White is. They love the Golden Girls.

1:06:54 Yeah.

1:06:54 Can you imagine?

1:06:56 That's a passion for her work. She was, I mean, you'd see any documentary, you talk to anybody, everybody loved her because she treated people well. She was open and accessible. She loved animals. She lost the love of her life. Husband died. They had an amazing love story and she still found a way to go on and overcome that.

1:07:18 Because of the way that she was with other human beings and the way that she would reach out and be there for others and just try to find a love for life in general.

1:07:29 Now, I want to ask you, you talked about natural remedies for natural confidence remedies. Can you kind of just dabble a couple of those in before we go?

1:07:39 The reason that I wanted to do that is because we've all seen those movies where there's some like disease or virus or something that's happening. And then somehow at the end, the day is saved because someone finds some natural flower growing in the forest that cures this, right? So I've always been fascinated by stuff like that.

1:07:57 I'm still waiting for that with this COVID. I'm waiting for that.

1:08:01 From your lips to God's ears. But I just have always been fascinated by that food and nature are healings. And that there is this thing that is kind of inherently in the world to help us if we only look for it. And we look in those secret places. And who doesn't love a quick fix that's not a medicine or that's not an addictive thing or a vice like drinking or alcohol or whatever. So when I was writing the book, I started researching all of these different things because people would tell me things that they had up their sleeve. before they would go out onto stage or if they got nervous about this. So the way that it started was I worked in the film center building near Broadway and I would get in a lot

1:08:42 of Broadway performers that wanted to transition to being in front of the cameras, maybe an entertainment reporter or something like that, or a host. So we'd have these conversations and they would all tell me that they were all eating bananas backstage before going out onto stage when they would have stage fright because they would still have stage fright because sometimes celebrities could be out there. Sure, sure.

1:09:00 audience every day. They're trying to top their game constantly. So I learned that bananas because of their natural muscle relaxers and potassium have a way of calming people's nerves and they're portable and they last, you can throw it in a bag. So I was like, okay, that's a great one. So then I'd started telling clients about it.

1:09:17 I had another friend that was going, her sister was going through cancer treatments and she didn't want to take Xanax. She didn't want to do this. She was very kind of an organic person and her doctor.

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1:09:35 Started telling her about something called lemon balm. It's like a little tincture, a little oil that you put under your tongue and studies show it acts like a natural Xanax. So then I tried that out and I was like, wow, this stuff works. Like if I even had to power sleep in a chair in the middle of the night, if I was doing an overnight, It would take the edge off just enough to fall asleep. So then I started saying, I think this might help people for public speaking fear. Started telling clients about it. I'd get great response saying that really took the edge off for me.

1:10:00 That really helped me. So then as I was writing the book, I just started to research more and more of those natural foods and different types of herbs. So the book is literally chock full of all those fun kind of remedies and things that are portable and easy. And some of them are pretty delicious that we can do to either increase our melatonin. Is it melatonin that helps us sleep?

1:10:21 I think, yeah, yeah.

1:10:23 Sorry, I'm thinking for a second. Wait, no, that's melanin on our skin. But yeah, so people just love that and it's something that's fun and people love food. So why not throw that in there? And then I have natural mindset techniques of all internal exercises, little quick things that we can do to kind of lower our heart rate, stop that out of body experience that we feel when we're starting to get that physical reaction to anxiety that happens right before we're going to step into the spotlight or do something that we're, you know, we're putting a high price on.

1:10:52 Yeah. The one thing I use, my natural remedy from when I speak in public, I'll tell you mine, I'm sure it's in the book, but I was turned on to kava, the herb, the American Indian herb. And they're like, kava is like, it'll relax you. I was like, okay, let me, let me try it. I found the one, and I don't own this company, I have no stock in this company, but Sprouts, the food chains, the supermarket chain, Sprouts is, Kava is the most potent one I've ever taken.

1:11:24 And it is, it just chills, it just takes that edge off. So when I go out to do public speaking, I'm fairly comfortable speaking in front of people, but you still, I mean, look, Henry Fonda threw up before every performance on Broadway. Like, it's okay. You got to do what you got to do. So Kava, it was for me, it was Kava. And then if you, if you're really stressed out a little holy basil in there and that'll nice little combo. I am not a doctor. Please refer to a doctor.

1:11:55 Things like that, you know, like check with.

1:11:57 Your physician before you do anything like that. This is just my opinion.

1:12:01 I agree. I agree. You know, years ago, and a lot of people might not know who Helen Hayes is anymore, but she has a hospital and a, a theater named after her. And I got to interview her when I was really young at my first job at local cable in upstate New York here. And I said to her, gosh, I get so nervous going in front of the camera.

1:12:20 I could feel the sweat pouring down the sides of my arm, like in broadcast news and everything. I said, what can you, when you tell me, you know, how can you help me? And she looked at me and she was in her eighties at the time. She said, honey, if I stop getting nervous, put me in my coffin because that means I'm done. And I was like, what?

1:12:37 Like I was like really early 20s. I was like, what are you talking about? And she said, if I didn't get that nerve, she was it would mean I didn't give a damn. I don't have the fire in my belly anymore. I don't have that, you know, that that zest and that excitement for what I'm doing. And she's like, butterflies are good. It's just our job to make them fly in formation and for us. instead of against us. So now when I get that, I'm like, okay, it must mean it's showtime. It means the adrenaline's going.

1:13:06 I'm gonna be sharp. I'm like lucky to be here. It's how we label it. We can call it nervous energy, or we can call it excited for the opportunity energy. But that's why athletes keep upping their game and doing like extreme sports sometimes, because once you plateau and you, you know, if you've labeled that as exciting and thriving and I'm alive when I feel that feeling, because it is the same feeling when we call it anxiety, if we label it better, we will realize that it's there to help us sharpen and to keep us on our game. Now, I'm not talking about like really severe anxiety here. That's a whole other issue. And for psychologists and psychiatrists and medication when we need it. And, you know, I've had

1:13:49 to use it at different times in my life when, you know, I had a perfect storm or a meltdown or a tragedy or whatever. There's a place for all of these things. So I just want people to know that none of it is right or wrong, but whatever we can do to try to help ourselves get through a situation or maybe get desensitized to it, just don't run away from it. because then it'll never level out for you.

1:14:10 Now I'm going to ask you a couple of questions, ask all my guests, what is your mission in this life?

1:14:18 So my mission is the work that I'm doing now and that I hope to do more of is helping people to find their voice, to trust themselves, to think the right thoughts so that they can communicate outwardly and reach their goals and be successful and have all of those things that they want. Because I remember exactly what it's like to not have a voice, to not have self-confidence, to not trust myself. And when I work with people and they respond back to me that like, literally sometimes people have said, you changed my life. I start crying.

1:14:55 It's like sacred work. Like there is nothing that makes me feel more humbled or that I'm on the right track, that when someone tells me that I've made that kind of a difference in someone's life, and if I can do more of that and reach more people, that would.

1:15:12 Be everything to me. And why are we here?

1:15:18 We are here to serve others. We are here to grow. We are here to learn. And I think we are here if you really want to know from my perspective is that God touches the world through us, through our hands, through our voices, through the way that we connect and talk with each other. And everything comes down to love, doesn't it?

1:15:46 I would agree with you. And I would give you a hundred percent. And also that when you discover that thing, that fingerprint purpose that you're here to touch the world with life becomes easy. much more content, much more blissful, much more happy, less struggle when you discover that path that you need to be walking. And it takes a minute.

1:16:10 Not everyone's lucky enough to pick it up at five. It took me over four decades to figure it out. But when you find it and you are truly happy, that's a good barometer. If you're truly happy doing what you're doing and you find real contentment and bliss, It's probably a good indication that you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, but you got to look for that and you got to find that. And I think you have in your confidence work.

1:16:33 You create it. I don't, you know, a lot of people say I got to find myself. No, you create yourself. And if you believe that you are power and, you know, to also know that even when you get to this place of contentment and you feel that you are on a good path and you found your calling and things like that, also know you're still going to have bad days, sometimes really dark lows and highs and valleys and hills and all those things. But after a certain amount of times that you have those highs and lows and ups and downs and you crash and burn and you recover, it gets easier to say, I know it's really hard right now. I know I'm so discouraged and I feel like I'm a failure. I feel like this is really

1:17:15 bad right now. You get to a point where you can say, but I've been here before and I know it's going to get better. Mm-hmm.

1:17:22 I agree with you 110%. Patricia, it's been an absolute pleasure talking to you. It's been a wonderful conversation. I hope it's helped a few people out there listening. So thank you for your work. And where can people find out more about you and your work?

1:17:35 Sure. Well, my website is patriciastark.com. And then there's also a page for the book called confidencebook.com. It's the word calm, like I'm chill. confidence.com. And then I'm on social media, Patricia Stark communications. And my email address is Patricia at Patricia Stark.com. I will answer your email. I am accessible and I'm happy to talk to anybody that reaches out.

1:17:56 I appreciate you, Patricia. Thank you so much.

1:17:58 Thank you so much. I have so much gratitude and I just, I'm so happy to be here with you today. Thank you again.

1:18:03 Thank you for spending this sacred time with us today. If you feel called to explore this conversation further, You'll find the show notes for this episode at nextlevelsoul.com forward slash 045. And if your soul is craving an even deeper journey, step into Next Level Soul TV, our streaming sanctuary for spiritual films, documentaries, original shows, guided meditations, channeling sessions, audiobooks, and transformative teachings. It's a space created to support your awakening, your healing, and your return to the truth of who you really are. Begin your journey at nextlevelsoul.tv Until next time, keep expanding, keep seeking, and keep walking your path towards the next level. of your soul.