S9e22:: How to deal with difficult people.

0:00 The tornado named Stroke has passed. Emotions are running high with the destruction that it left behind. People all around you and yourself are found having issues, problems, difficulties communicating and for some it's the very first time in many, many years. It feels like you're in a constant verbal and emotional boxing match.

0:27 Confrontation is a very big one after stroke, guys. And today we're going to find out what is happening and how to remedy confrontations after stroke. Grab yourself a drink, pen and paper. The faintest of ink is better than the best memory. And come and join me here in my living room with my dog Bella, as we are recording today's episode.

0:58 Hey guys, this is Karina. I'm the host and creator of this podcast. 26 years ago, I suffered a brain stem dissection that led me to coma interluctent syndrome. But I'm here with you today. My mission was then and now to make the life of one person better, make one person around the world feel better about the situation.

1:21 Turns out this podcast is number 2 worldwide in its category of stroke survivors. It's full of hacks, how to's, how I went about to survive this world as a survivor. It's very empowering, inspiring, and it gives hope that if I can do it, so can you. There's no reason why you can't. And guess what? There's so much life to live after stroke. Today's episode is going to seem like maybe I'm talking about people, which is not the case.

1:58 But while I do this episode, I also want you to hold yourself accountable for the words and actions and the part that you play in those confrontations, those between yourself and at least one other person. I know that you've heard It Takes Two to Tango. That means that in a discussion of any sort, guys, it's not a monologue.

2:27 It's not just one person talking. It's not just one person venting, loving, complaining, explaining, expressing. There's two people involved. All the while considering that, I want you to focus on your mental health. A lot of what we are going to discuss today is going to have to do with choices and boundaries perhaps that have been crossed and have made a lot of these confrontation, has brought about a lot of these confrontations. So I really, really want to talk about that. And for the sake of today's show, I am going to use my own experience, my own family members. And I want you to see that I am trying also just like you, to raise my awareness, which I think I have done. But not everybody is at the

3:37 speed as we are and nobody and everybody is a stroke survivor. I want you to keep in consideration that we are all very different. Hey guys, it's Karina here. When emotions run high, logic is low. That means that when you're reactive as a stroke survivor, which is going to happen often, it's important not to be reactive and not say things that you're going to have verbal diarrhea and let it come out, but simply take time apart, 30-40 minutes, clear your brain, calm the freak down, and then come back and discuss about the issue on hand.

4:29 Sounds like a plan Stan. The most common confrontation that I have seen and heard of is the one that we go through at home, the one we go through with our spouse. I'm going to tell you guys a little story because I haven't done that in a little while. So I was with my then husband for about two years before my stroke happened and we never guys never argued. We would discuss problems and issues but never argue. And I was a tough cookie, cool like a cucumber. And nothing ever bothered me.

5:10 Everything was OK. Always. Sure, we had problems, but hey, we'll deal with it. But after the stroke, I became, Oh my Lord, I became overly sensitive. I was always crying. Whatever he was saying, I was crying. Whenever I wanted to express something I would cry just like a child. I would be irrational and very impulsive. I remember soon after the stroke I went to the hairdresser with my my sister-in-law and they had this boutique where they sold these hair clips with my birthstone on it which was awesome.

5:51 Well, I actually thought that these hair clips were the last one on earth. I needed to get those ear clips. The same thing when I went to the garage because I needed a car and there was no other Honda Civic. But I wanted that Honda Civic and I wanted it now. And I was actually doing temper tantrums.

6:17 Yes, adult temper tantrums. Does that sound familiar, guys and everything? Everything bothered me for the longest time. From the blinds not being straight to the floors, to clutter, to picking up plates, to picking up my own clothes, everything bothered me. So what happened when I became like that guys?

6:47 Communication between me and my husband became very poor, very confusing and we never resolved anything. We'd fight over and over for the same thing. I hear a lot of stroke survivors and caregivers talk to me and say how they cannot communicate. And very often stroke survivors take everything for face value. But if you're not happy in the relationship that you're having at home, I think it's I think it's the right thing to look at yourself and look at the part you play in that relationship. But also, I'm always saying you, the survivor survived the eye of the storm you rock.

7:44 But what happens when there's a tornado, there's debris and there's all kinds of things all over. So your caregiver or your spouse also suffered the effect of the stroke. Have you ever thought about that? Being compassionate towards those loved ones? I always tell you guys that I'm like a feminine doctor, Phil. I say it like it is and I don't pick sides. I know how nasty we can be a stroke survivors, but I also know how we can have a lot of compassion towards other people, a lack of empathy where we think that everything we do, everything that's happening in the world revolves around us. But have you ever considered that the other person has their own things to do, their own life? They're not saying that.

8:44 Oh my God, I have the bills to pay and you're like feeling crap. They did not say. They did not use the words. You're not helping me pay. In your mind, you might hear that, but that is not the case. That is your sense of perception that we need to work on. Your loved ones are not emotional punching bags and you are not an emotional punching bag.

9:15 I just finished telling you how your mental health is the most important. And I know this. You took a hit, man. But there's no reason why your communication at home should not work, should not get better. And how does it get better? Take a few moments aside, leave each other, say, OK, this is too heated right now.

9:45 I'm going to go clean the garage or I'm going to go change my bed or I'm going to go take a shower. And when we come back, we're going to talk about this, but not right now. You're going to have time to go calm down. You're still offended about the the thing that you need to talk about, but you're going to calm down no matter what. Does that sound like a plan that does that sound like something you could do?

10:15 Because honestly, that is what you should do. That's what we should always do, all of us. And I'm always telling you guys that when Mama bear is happy, dad is happy, the kids are happy, the dog is happy. There is a nice synergy. There's a nice energy flowing around the house when there's hostility and things going through your mind that are not real and you're having arguments with your thoughts that you're bringing to reality because you had the stroke. And before your husband even gets home, you get on this case because you get wound up inside of you. I've been there, guys.

11:04 My husband would walk home at 6:00 and I would be furious. Why I did all this in my head. That's when he would laugh at me and say, Karina, what are you doing? What are you thinking about? And I'd start crying. You don't understand me. And there you go. The wheel goes round and around and around until it doesn't anymore, until it stays stuck. Is that what you want?

11:33 Do you want your wheel to stay stuck? I don't want that for you. OK, now it's time to take your pen and paper. You really need to write this down again. It's OK. It's OK guys, to cut people out of your life. Not forever, just for a few months until you get stronger. It's OK to tell other people I'm talking about different extended family or friends. It's OK to tell them I'm working on on myself right now and I need time apart.

12:15 We can check up on each other. But I can't hang out with you right now. I need I need to figure myself out. It is OK. And if you're wondering how to know the people that because you're so used to that Ant that comes to your house at every Easter and every Christmas and that Ant that's always nagging and reminding you of people you don't necessarily like and make you feel like shit, it's OK to not see that person for a few months. Your body is always going to tell you what it needs. Always, always, always.

12:57 Guys, you have to listen to your body. If you know your Aunt Jermaine is going to be at the party and your tummy is getting all in knots, you, you know, you pretty much know your triggers. It's OK for you to say, oh, I'm going to skip. I'm kind of busy, or I have appointments or I have another party to go to.

13:18 It's OK. Guess what you're doing when you're doing that? You are setting boundaries. I have another little story to tell you. It's with me and my mom. You guys know that I had a very tumultuous childhood and so was my mom. So today, even though we were always together and we do a tons of things together, there was still a lot of resentment and hostility between us. A lot of things.

13:52 Whenever I would, she would ask me, you, something about my childhood, and I would answer, and my answer was Ma, you did the best you could with what you had, Ma. That's it. You're blaming me for this and that. So it was always the same fucking shit over and over and over. I was seeing a social worker back then, and it's my social worker that made me aware of the boundaries I needed to set with my mom. It took five years to be able to set those boundaries, not be reactive, not scream from the top of my lungs and have understanding of why she was talking and acting how she was. And I was so nervous.

14:45 I would tell my social worker, OK, I'm going for dinner at my mom's tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. What do we talk about? Like, I don't want to see her right now. What do we talk about? And my social worker said, you talk about the salad dressing if you have to. You talk about the ingredients if you have to, but you keep it light.

15:11 You don't talk about anything personal to the both of you. It took a lot of work guys, but guess what? I did it and she did it too. I set my boundaries with her and I did tell her what I just told you that you need to do with other people. I did say, Ma, I need some time apart. I'm working on something intensive at, at the in therapy and I need, I, I, I need to do this. It was hard on her and it was hard on me because she was my neighbour.

15:47 But guess what? We both did it. And when she passed away in 2018, we were at the Good Place. We finally reached for a few months before she passed. We reached a good place where I grew and I understood that her pain, her childhood, her growing up, everything that I went through, she went through in her own way.

16:14 When I realized that I developed understanding and and empathy towards her and forgiveness and forgiveness. One last thing guys to have better communication also with your spouse is for you to create boundaries with your spouse. It's OK to tell them non reactively and non passive aggressive. Please don't talk to me like so please don't do this again. It's important that you're firm, but you're not a school teacher. You're not their mother or their father, but they owe you respect.

17:12 If they want respect, they owe you respect. And maybe you're going to say, well, they don't give me respect, but that's when I'm going to say, look at your behaviour. An action causes a reaction. But by setting boundaries, healthy boundaries, calm collected boundaries makes perfect sense in a marriage after stroke. My beautiful survivors, this is what I have for you guys today. I hope you enjoyed.

17:58 If you have any questions whatsoever, any comment, please reach out to me on my social media on Facebook at stroke, Surviving the odds, the pod page as well on Instagram, SSTO under score the podcast. Make sure you like, follow, subscribe on all and any platforms and at the same time, you know the best free gift you could do for me is download the episodes in order to go back to them as you are recuperating yourself. Know that I love you very much and I will talk to you soon.