She Got Sober. Her Husband Kept Drinking. Here's What Happened

0:03 Welcome to the No More Waste Today's podcast. I'm your host, Sarah, and today we're going to be talking all about what happens when you quit drinking, but your partner chooses not to quit drinking. Now, if you know my story, you know that my husband actually quit drinking with me, so it's really hard for me to talk authentically about this topic.

0:22 So I brought on my friend Casey McGuire-Davidson. If you don't know Casey yet, she's the host of the Hello Someday podcast, which you should definitely go check out because I know if you're like me, you listen to more than one podcast. So it's good to have more sobriety podcasts in your library. Casey shares her whole story on how she quit drinking even when her husband didn't. And she goes all the way back to when they first met and they were drinking buddies. Drinking was what they loved to do. So when she chose to quit drinking, it was a big shift for their relationship. And she's super vulnerable in this episode and shares all the tea.

0:59 And as of now, Casey is now 10 years sober and her husband still drinks. So if you're thinking about quitting, but you think your partner doesn't want to come along on the journey, it is still possible. And listening to Casey's story today is going to show you this. All right, let's dive into the episode. Welcome to the podcast, Casey.

1:16 Thank you for being on.

1:17 Oh, thank you so much. I'm really excited to be here. Yeah.

1:20 So we're going to talk all about how you quit drinking and your husband did not quit drinking. And I know my listeners are going to love this because this is a topic that I just cannot authentically share on. So thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable and share it all with us. Of course. All right.

1:37 So first, can you just take us back to what your drinking looked like before you quit and what role alcohol played in your marriage?

1:47 Yeah, absolutely. So I amazingly met my husband in our first job out of college. So we were both, you know, 22 years old, working at a consulting firm in Washington, D.C., and there were like 25 of us recruited first year out of college. So it was a huge party culture, like the whole like work hard, play hard. We all hung out together and we drank a ton. And in college, I was on the rugby team, which is like a crash course in problematic drinking. And so... When I met my husband, I was a big drinker. And as we dated, lived together, moved from DC to Seattle, got married, had kids, like drinking was a pretty consistent theme. throughout all of it.

2:38 I just sort of changed what I drank based on sort of life stage. So it went from, you know, cocktails, dancing out at the bars with him when we were in our early twenties to beers while kayaking when we were, you know, doing come no kids kind of thing. We lived on floating homes in Seattle. So we kayaked for happy hour all the time. And then, you know, yeah, dinner parties with all the wine and then mommy wine culture.

3:03 So we always drank together. Now it was understood that like he would be the one driving home. So we both drank, but he was sort of, you know, sometimes we call them normies. He can have two beers, whereas I would be on glass of wine number three, wanting number four, you know, continuing to drink. So I would drive to anywhere we went and he would always drive home and like wake me up in the car and he would pay the babysitter and all the things. But It was a pretty big part of our marriage in that every anniversary we went wine tasting, every date night we went out, you know, for dinner and drinks or pub crawls or whatever it was.

3:44 And you were drinkers from the get-go, it sounds like. From the moment you met, you were just like drinking and partying together.

3:50 Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

3:52 I have to back up and say, it's pretty badass of you that you're a rugby player. That's amazing.

3:57 Oh my God.

3:58 That's like, what?

3:59 With all the news out there, like going back to college, I knew this already, but it is really, really shocking. The drinking and like rape culture of the songs, like being an 18 year old, 19 year old, singing these songs at parties with the men's team. Like it is so problematic. I was very, very lucky. But it was a crash course in drinking. We did keg stands. We did funnels. We did beer runs, which was us running after a truck with a keg on it and stopping internally to drink. And the goal was to black out drinking.

4:39 And so that was... My son is in college and just pledged a paternity, which I have so many reservations about. But I'm like, okay, he can do what he wants to do. I was like, are they good people? But I don't know. It's so hypocritical of me when I look back at what I was doing in college to be like, babe, don't do that. Don't do what I did.

5:01 I'll make better choices.

5:03 I'm the same way with my kids. My son just went to his first homecoming and it was like, turns out he loves the party life. And he did not drink because he only went to the dance and we brought him there and we picked him up. But. I was like, oh my God, this kid is feeding off the adrenaline. Like he got in the car and he's like, I had such a fucking good time. And we're like, me and my husband just like died laughing. And he's like, I was crowd surfing and I was this. And then we were gambling. We played blackjack. And I was like, So you basically went to a casino and a club. Like, cool.

5:35 When you see those, like, dopamine hits really light them up, you're like, oh, damn. This is going to be a problem. Yeah, I know.

5:42 I've already been like, is the party you're going to, is there going to be drinking there? And he's like, mom, no, instead of, like, parents are hosting it. And I was like, I was asking because I was wondering if you were going to drive home. And then I remembered you can't legally drive on your own yet. Like, it's just like.

5:56 I know. I went totally off course there, but.

5:59 You did.

6:00 I think I think everybody will enjoy that little side quest. OK, so when you started thinking about quitting drinking, you were really nervous about how it would affect your marriage. What were your biggest fears and how did they compare to what actually happened?

6:17 Well, I think like a lot of us, if drinking is a big part of your social life or a big part of your identity. my biggest fear about not drinking was that I would be bored, that I would be boring, that I would never have fun again, that I would have no way to bond with my husband, that sex would be less fun. I mean, basically, apparently, if I was going to stop drinking, our marriage would be over in my mind. No, not really. But it was just like, how are we? We'd never done it.

6:48 And I'd never done it. So, and my husband, and we'll talk about this didn't think that I had a really big problem. When I was opening a second bottle of wine on a quote unquote rough Tuesday, he was like, dude, what are you doing, man? And I'd be all defensive and I'd be like, what? I just need one more glass.

7:09 But he didn't want me to stop completely. And I completely get that. But I also didn't tell him. a full lot about my drinking and a full lot about what was going through my own head and how hard I was trying to make rules and moderate. So I told him that I was going to take a hundred day break from drinking. He didn't know that I'd hired a sober coach. He didn't know that I joined an online sobriety program and community. And I just Told him, like, I want to do a health kick. I'm not going to drink for 100 days. And I really need you to, like, not have any wine in the house. Don't encourage me to drink. Don't bring home a bottle of wine if I've had a hard day. Because he would do that because that would make me happy. You know, like, oh,

7:54 Casey's in a bad mood. She's had a rough one. Let me bring her home a bottle of wine. She'll be thrilled. Yeah.

8:00 Well, and that leads perfectly into my next question, which is about how what you hid from your husband. And you talked about that you hid your recovery effort efforts, which I find so interesting. I was like, oh, my gosh, this I've never even thought about this part of it. But and you also hid he did he really know how much you were drinking?

8:21 OK, so this is kind of funny. He, he knew I drank a bottle of wine at night, like somehow to both of us after X number of years, that was somehow acceptable. Like a bottle of wine, seven nights a week. He had like two beers, but, but he didn't know about my 3am wake-ups. He certainly knew that sometimes I quote unquote fell asleep on the couch and he couldn't wake me up, which, you know, really is passed out, but whatever. I tried really hard to pretend that I remembered a lot of stuff that I didn't actually remember. Like he'd be like, oh, we talked about this.

8:57 Oh, yeah.

8:58 I'm just so busy. I can't remember everything. I wouldn't remember watching a TV show that we had back in the day recorded. And he was like, you watched this last night. And I was like, no, I didn't. You're wrong. You're wrong. And then I got to the end of it. And like one thing, very specific thing was familiar. And I was like, oh shit. You know, so he knew that I was a big drinker. I did not talk to him about how worried I was about my drinking, about how important it was to me that I had quote unquote enough wine in my mind that if he would pour himself a glass out of my bottle, I mean, it sounds so bad, at dinner, I'd be like, What the hell, man? Now I don't have enough. Now I'm going to have to open another bottle of wine. Like,

9:50 then it's going to look weird. So there was so much he didn't know. When I opened another bottle, like if I had more than one, I worked really hard to make sure he didn't see that. I would pour glass. Like I'd be on the couch not moving for an hour. He'd go do something. I would hop up quick as a bunny to refill my wine and get back on the couch. So like there were a lot of things that I didn't tell him about. I was constantly pretending not to be hungover, which is brutal.

10:19 Oh, yeah.

10:19 No, I... I remember those days. I'm like, God, I'm so glad that I didn't have to fake it. I don't have to fake it anymore because that was awful. And the filling your wine glass without your husband knowing, that was one of my, like when I quit, I looked back and went, oh, normal people don't do that.

10:38 They don't have to hide. Like I would. give myself an extra shot if we were making gin and tonics, or I would take a really big drink out of my husband's beer when he was gone. If I could tell that he wasn't drinking as fast as me. And I told him all this, like once we quit and he's like, you did that?

10:55 Oh my God. I definitely had like, at some point I would buy, you know, for the 10% discount, six bottle of wine at the grocery store. Right. Cause you know, you get, you get the discount. I would buy three bottles of my favorite, which had a cork and three screw top bottles. And I would put the screw top bottles, you know, I put them all in the wine rack, but I would like refill my glass in the middle of the bottle from the screw tap. And I was like, okay, if he ever pulls out one of these bottles and is like, why is this half empty? Like that's, I'm like, that's going to be a weird one to explain. But in my mind, you know, when you're drinking, you can justify anything. I'm like, oh yeah, it's just because he's

11:39 so judgy. about when I opened bottle number two. I mean, no, man, it was that I had an issue with drinking and I had no off switch and I always wanted more. And he even said to me, like, not in a bad way, it wasn't like you need to stop drinking. He was like, babe, you just drink until you pass out or it's gone. And I was like, yeah. And he was like, why do you do that? Like, why don't you just stop? And I was like, when I start drinking, my brain lights up and I'm so happy that that I never want that feeling to end. And somehow I think if I keep drinking, the feeling will be prolonged, even though all it didn't prolong it. It just made me pass out or feel awful.

12:21 Yeah.

12:22 I was the same. I drank to get drunk. So I'd never understand when people are like, just have one. I'm very much like, it's like, you don't understand.

12:31 Oh my God.

12:32 Yeah.

12:33 I wanted that feeling. I didn't want a glass. I've never wanted a glass in my entire life.

12:40 We always joke in the day makers, like when people are like, why don't you have just one? And you're like one bottle. I'll have the bottle of wine or one case.

12:48 Great suggestion. I've never thought about that. Like when I was trying to drink less or just have one or skip a night, I was so irritated. Oh yeah. And now I'm like, yeah, you were in withdrawal.

13:00 No, no. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. And it's just like, you're not getting the buzz you want and all of that. So how did you hide the sober coach? I'm curious. I have to ask, like, do you have separate bank accounts?

13:14 Well, I mean, I pay, I pay all the bills.

13:17 Oh, okay. We always had a.

13:20 Separate, I pay all the bills. I, I was, you know, the primary breadwinner. I've always been like, you know what? I'm not sharing how much my hair highlights cost me. I'm not sharing what Botox cost me. Like I work in big jobs. So I do not have to discuss this with anyone, including you. Maybe that's bad, but that's how I was.

13:43 I'm like, I'm the same with certain things where he's like, why are you moving money over to your personal account? I'm like, cause I just, you don't need to know how much my hair costs. I make money and it will just stress you out. And I can just tip my hairdresser freely.

13:57 Yes. Exactly right. They don't understand what highlights go for. They should not be.

14:03 I know. I'm like, this is serious. So I was first curious about that. So then how did you hide just like the time with your sober coach?

14:10 Well, I think the best question is why did I hide it? And so the big reason was that I didn't want him to know how big of an issue I thought this was, how big of a problem I thought this was. because I was going to be married to him for the rest of my life. And I didn't want him watching me if I decided to go back to drinking. So I was like, if I tell him I have a sober coach, if I tell him I'm joining these communities, he's going to be like, oh, damn, this is a big deal. As opposed to what I told him and everybody was like, oh, I'm just doing 108 health kick, which was very innocuous. You could explain it.

14:53 You could understand it. And It didn't like make it a huge deal to him. He's like, oh, good for you. I mean, I said that I wasn't going to drink a million times. It was the first time I'd ever kept going for more than four days because I had a coach, because I had a community. But yeah, I mean, how did I do it? I wrote my coach all the time from work. I did a shoot, happened to be in Paris. At the time, it was Belle from Tired of Thinking About Drinking, so we did Zoom calls from my car. I would just block out my calendar.

15:27 When I went on my sober group calls for my community, I would just go for a walk and do it. I mean, it actually very much made me realize how I got away with drinking that much because my husband is fantastic, and he's also very busy. So we had two little kids. I quit when my kids were two and eight.

15:49 Oh, wow.

15:49 But he was a basketball coach and he was a baseball coach and he works at a private school. So that is practice every night till seven. That is games on Friday night, away games on Saturday. So I was alone a lot with the kids and I never drank too much when I was driving with the kids, although I'm sure I did and they were borderline, but I drank a lot at home on my couch. So I Yeah. He, I was like, God, he's not very observant. I mean, I love the, but which he must trust me.

16:24 You're like, and I only ask, well, cause like me and my husband are, we both work from home. We have a small house. Like, I just feel like sometimes I'm like, oh my gosh, just stop talking to me. We actually have, we were, it's like, we have our office space now. Thank God. So one of us can go escape. But that's totally why I was like, How would you even hide all that?

16:46 But I mean, we were sort of like together from like 7 p.m. until 11 p.m. and then an hour in the morning. Yeah. And on the weekends. But like we were apart a lot because of sports and kids and divide and conquer.

17:00 Oh, yeah.

17:00 Yeah.

17:01 That time is like craziness. So when you first quit. you first not telling your husband that you, you know, you're doing a hundred day challenge or you're kind of saying, eh, it's just health kick. It's not too serious. So when you finally were like, okay, this is what I'm doing. What did that look like? And what, what, how did you ask your husband for support? Cause this is something I always try to offer tips on. We'll see if my tips line up with what you really did. Cause I'm like.

17:28 Well, the most important thing I did to actually stop drinking was get outside support. Because trust me, I had tried to white knuckle it or shame myself into not drinking or every, you know, 5 a.m. bootcamp. So I can't drink too much the night before 7 p.m. running group. So I can't drink too much. None of it worked.

17:48 So I got outside support. And what I needed a lot of help with was just the block and tackling. Like, how do I do this? Like, how do I go out to dinner and not drink? How do I plan a date night with my husband that isn't around alcohol? How do I handle a stressful day with the kids? How do I handle being super resentful with my husband, which happens in any marriage? How do I go on a business trip? So what did I tell him? I told him that I was doing a hundred day break from drinking. I told him, I needed no wine in the house, like zero wine. He still had beer. I advise my clients, women I work with, to get all the alcohol out of your house. But I was really a wine girl. I think if I hadn't been able

18:35 to do it with his beer there, I would have asked him to get rid of that too. We did not go out to dinner for almost six weeks together. Like every time we were going to do a date- I sort of like strategized with my coach and I'd be like, okay, let's go to a movie and then a bookstore. Or we would go out for sushi because I never drank sake and they had horrible red wine, and green tea goes with sushi. We went out for brunch dates. It was also, I quit drinking in February, which is right in the middle of basketball season. So he had a lot of night games, evening games. So it was very easy for me with two little kids to like bubble up and just not go out. So that was pretty much what I asked from him. Now,

19:29 I got all my support and strategies from my sober coach, from my sober community, from my online programs. So I was doing a ton of recovery work. He just wasn't involved in it. Yeah.

19:42 And I mean, and he, It really doesn't need to be because it's, you know, it's your job and he's there to kind of be that. support system how he.

19:51 Can be he didn't understand yeah and that's like he didn't get it I needed people who were like like you who were like oh yeah, what do you mean one glass of wine? Like that's like, he'd be like, why don't you just have one? I'm like, oh my God, I had never thought of that in the 10 years I've been attempting to do.

20:10 It's like, do you think you married a moron? Don't you think I tried that?

20:14 Sometimes he'd comment to me and, you know, all my girlfriends were big drinkers too. And he'd be like, yeah, you know, I would kind of, when he was driving me home, when I was drunk or whatever, I'd be like, you know who you married? right? Like, I'm not changing here. This is the girl you met. And we had been together for 17 years, married for 14. He was like, yeah, I kind of thought you'd grow out of it. I was like, oops.

20:41 You're like, well, I'm not planning on it. Oh, wait, I guess I need to.

20:45 Now he still drinks and I've been sober for a decade. So I guess I finally Finally grew up.

20:51 So you touched on something and I wanted you to piggyback on it. How did you handle the resentment? Because that's huge with like watching your partner drink, with watching anybody drink, quote unquote, normally. You're so like, why can you do it? And I can't. But I would think it's even harder with your husband.

21:08 I mean, I think the only time I really wanted to wring his neck, well, there were like one or two. But one was I told him no, no wine. And he had gotten... given a gift of like white wine or something. And I was a red wine girl, but I opened my fridge and clearly he did not take me seriously because there was a bottle of white in there.

21:29 And I sort of closed it, didn't say anything. I think I went a full 24 hours, just like, why is this in my safe space? And so finally I was like, hey, what is up with this? I told you no wine in the house. There's wine in my fridge. I need you to get rid of it. What he did was go out on the front porch and drink the whole damn thing. And I was like, I am going to literally show you. Like that was the one time that I was like going to wring his neck.

21:57 The other time was when he asked me and I said yes, and I should not have, if he and my mother could open a bottle of red wine for Christmas dinner. And so we were all sitting around on Christmas Eve and it was like right in front of me and they were drinking it so slowly.

22:14 Oh.

22:15 But the issue around resenting him drinking, it did bother me. I was jealous, but I didn't like resent him so much for that. Cause I was very much on my own journey. Yeah. And I had finally flipped my mindset to be like, this is good. I'm so happy to wake up without a hangover. I'm so happy to have less anxiety. I'm so happy to not wake up hating myself. Um, Those were so good. What I struggled with was navigating asking more from him or bringing in babysitters or doing whatever, and also not being resentful when I worked all day and I picked up the kids from And I called him on the way and was like, here's the dinner plan.

23:09 And I walked in the door with a screaming two-year-old and he was playing on his phone with no dinner started. And I was starving. Like that was harder. Yeah. And I'm not talking to him. He is a fantastic husband, but... you are very irritated, sensitive, fragile in early sobriety. So you're just like, what the actual hell is happening?

23:30 And people don't understand how, like, I mean, even I've just started substitute teaching again and getting home even after that. And I know my husband's had a busy day because I've worked from home. I know it's still busy, but I also know it's so different to get home. And he's like, ready to just talk to me. And I was like, stop. I have to have a spindrift. I have to sit on the couch. I have to drink this spindrift.

23:54 I know. And it was like little stuff, like telling him that I wanted, needed to go to therapy one night a week. I worked full time. So it was like 6 to 7 p.m. on a Tuesday. And so he needed to pick up both kids at daycare. He needed to leave baseball practice a little early. He needed to get them dinner. And he was like, wait, how long is this going to go on? And so it I was like, I've been doing this five nights a week for years. Like you have three assistant baseball coaches figure it out. But like that was a new dynamic, right?

24:31 Yes. And when you're a drinker, you can drink to just deal with those emotions. And then all of a sudden you've actually got to go, oh, I need to speak to my husband about these things that piss me off. And he has no idea.

24:44 Yeah.

24:45 No idea because I'm just smiling because, hey, if he's out till seven, that means I can open my wine and, you know, give the kids a bath and get them food and all that stuff.

24:55 But I'm happy because I'm drinking. When I'm not drinking, I'm like, I need to work out. I need to talk to my therapist. I need to eat something before I leave the office. I need time to decompress, right? You can't go from your boss to rush over traffic to a screaming toddler to in the house and you're starving.

25:15 It just doesn't work.

25:16 No.

25:17 Yeah.

25:17 And you have to learn how to start taking care of yourself and sobriety and all those things. That's a lot. That's something that I wouldn't think of. I mean, I obviously had to navigate it and still navigate it where I'm just like, hello. You know how to cook. So let's go ahead and do that.

25:32 And hiring a lot of babysitters because, you know, he had a lot of stuff on Saturdays. And I just, you know, I needed a break with two little kids. So I mean, just blocking, tackling. I joined a gym with a kids club and put them in there for two hours. And I would just sit in the hot tub or I would like even sit in their lounge area, not even working out just because I'm like, I need you. this, like, let me reset my, let me get a break. Let me reset my nervous system. Then I get them out.

26:02 We get these awesome chocolate smoothies. Everybody was happy. And I was like, okay, now I can do this. Yeah.

26:09 I love that. Just those are great reminders, even if it's not quitting with a spouse or without, but, but it's so how, what changed in your relationship once you quit drinking? And I'm sure the list is very long.

26:23 Yeah. I think the biggest thing that happened was I asked him when I was 30 days sober, what has he noticed has shifted in our household? And he said, our house was just a lot more peaceful. I was less up and down. I used to get really riled up about work things, meetings changes. My boss said X, this was unfair. This strategy isn't going to work. We're not going to hit our goals. And after I got away from that, I would come home and he'd be like, how was your day? And I was like, yeah, it was pretty good. You know, or just like, it was fine.

27:02 And he was like, fine. And I'm like, yeah, had some meetings, did a project, walked to Starbucks. And it was just such a different world from my super high, super lows that you get when you're drinking and recovering every day, or like you need a reason to drink and resentment at whoever is a great reason to drink.

27:22 There was no question. that I was better not drinking. I lost a ton of weight. I worked out every morning. Not everyone loses weight. I happened to. I looked so much better. My energy was better. I was more pleasant to be around. And yet, after my 100 days, we were going to Italy and Croatia on a big vacation with my family, like bucket list trip. And so I said, oh, I'm going for six months alcohol-free now. And he was like, wait, wait, wait.

27:50 You're not going to drink in Italy? And I was like, no, I am not, you know, I had my coach, I had my mindset. I was like, I am doing this. I am not starting over. And I was like, no. And he was like, wait, you're not like, you know, and I just, I was like, I am not going to, and I'm going to need your help. And I finally said like, babe, our family wanted no part of where that train I was on was headed. You just have to trust me on that. It was going nowhere good.

28:19 And so I think For the beginning part, that was literally the most I said to him. And obviously after that, I've told him a lot more. But again, my drinking was really private and my recovery was really private. And maybe that's weird, but that's how I was able to do it.

28:38 Yeah.

28:39 No, I kept my recovery really private. private until I started sharing it on the internet.

28:44 Yeah. I think there is. There was some shame.

28:47 It's like my husband knew.

28:48 And there was fear of failure.

28:50 Yeah. And it took me two years to go, like two years of sobriety to go, oh my God, I had a drinking problem.

28:58 Oh, I knew I had a drinking problem.

29:00 I was like, wait, stop. That's me.

29:03 Or like, I knew I had no off switch. I knew.

29:06 Yes.

29:07 I cared about drinking too much. I knew it was too important to me. Yeah.

29:12 And it was way too hard to explain to other people in the beginning because I didn't understand it myself. So it just felt safer to keep it in my own little bubble, in my own little Facebook community that I found online.

29:25 But I definitely needed outside support from people who understood because I tried to do it on my own.

29:33 And eventually you do need that. So you mentioned vacations. I know you've probably taken a lot more vacations together. How do you do like date nights? too? And how'd you figure out how to have fun? Because at the beginning you were like, I'm going to be the most boring person when I quit.

29:45 Yeah.

29:46 That was my fear too.

29:47 Well, I mean, obviously you go a while and it's no big deal at all. But when we used to go on vacations, we had sort of a rule that you couldn't judge a place until you'd had two drinks. This was like literally conversations we'd have. We'd go out in Italy and he'd get a craft of white and I'd get a craft of red. And then we'd go nap before a late dinner. So it was a big challenge.

30:12 I know that when I went to Italy that first time, instead of doing wine crawls, I did gelato crawls. And I was with my eight-year-old son and he thought I was suddenly the coolest mom ever because we were hitting like four gelatos a day, which sounds insane, but hey, I wasn't drinking. Yeah. Right. So I let, we happened to be with a big family group. My son was a great excuse. So I was like, you stay out.

30:41 I'm going to hang with the kids. I'm going to hang with Hank. I am happy to go into the hotel room. And then I would set my alarm really early and And I would, I love photography. I would walk the canals of Venice before anyone was up and take all these photographs. And it was deserted and it was beautiful. And I'd come back with coffees. And so I worked really hard to plan out like what's going to bother me. The late dinners where everybody gets another bottle of wine and you're just sitting around listening to that talk embarrassingly really loud. And so I suddenly went from being that person at the table To being the one like, oh, I'm going to go outside with the kids and buy the rockets from the vendors and walk

31:25 them home because you guys are being really rude with how long you're staying in there drinking, you know?

31:31 Yeah. It's cool how you finally, you become more patient with your kids in that regards, but it's like you become that other person that you always watched when you were drinking.

31:40 Yeah.

31:40 Or engaged.

31:42 Yeah.

31:42 Yeah. Just you have better conversation. You spend more time with them.

31:46 Yeah. And I love to do the tasting ice cream thing.

31:50 Yeah.

31:51 That stuff. And I love that my kids can try all of my drinks now. And it's such a little thing, but I'm like, yeah, you can try this.

31:58 And I would never have ice cream. I would never have milkshakes. I was like, oh no, no dessert for me. And I would literally be like, I take my calories in wine. And then we would go out to dinner. And if we went to a place that that you like a burger place that, you know, a nice place, but it had burgers and stuff, which we had little kids.

32:20 We did all the time. I'd, I'd be like, I used to be like, Hey, if you get there before me, order me a glass of wine coming from the office. And then I would call him and be like, Hey, if you get there before me, order me a chocolate milkshake. So it was just like a whole different world.

32:35 It's kind of fun. That's what I always tell people. I'm like, you, You have all these really good drinks you get to have all of a sudden.

32:41 Yeah.

32:41 And now there's non-alcoholic beer. I mean, we can go to the biggest dive bar for music and they've got non-alcoholic beer. You go to the ball game. So now it's no problem. But in the beginning, like, I had to think about it. I was afraid that the minute they came over and said, what would you like to drink and gave me the wine list, I would fall over and have a heart attack.

33:05 I completely understand. And the only place we ever went was breweries. Like, so I was kind of like, oh, that's been my whole personality to be the micro brewery girl. And now I'm like, where do I even go? I figured it out. And you actually can go to a brewery still.

33:22 Yeah. You need to consciously figure out like what's going to be triggering, what's not. I remember at some point he suggested Italian food because red wine girl, that was my favorite. And I was just like, oh, babe, you remember I'm not drinking? Why don't we go to, so I'm scouring the internet. I found a coffee shop with an open mic. Which, by the way, is way more fun than just sitting at dinner getting drunk.

33:47 I know you've discovered more things. I had to search.

33:50 Yeah. We went paragliding for our anniversary instead of going wine tasting. I mean, it took some strategies. It took some research, but it was fun.

33:58 Yeah, that's way cooler. Like way cooler than drinking your way through your anniversary, which is what we used to do. So for the person that's listening right now and they're thinking about quitting drinking, but they're really freaked out because they know their husband most likely won't stop. What advice would you give her, especially if she's just worried about the resentment or feeling left out or feeling like her partner is not going to like her anymore? Because that was one of my fears.

34:23 Yeah, me too. I think that if you are considering quitting drinking, you. Deserve to see how good you could feel without alcohol. And just because you stop drinking doesn't mean your partner has to. Of course, it's easier if they do, right? But I think of it as like deciding to be a vegetarian or deciding to run a marathon, right? Just because you are making a health and lifestyle choice does not mean your partner needs to do it. And if you decided to run a marathon- you would probably start with like a couch to 5K group. You might, you know, get some resources for running routes. You might, your partner might need to take the kids all day Saturday so you could do your long run and pick you up

35:12 at the end of the day. Like it doesn't mean they don't have to support you. Or like if you're a vegetarian, they probably wouldn't bring you on a date to a steak restaurant, right? So I think it's both, Asking them for support and also not making it the biggest deal in the world because they're going to be scared about your relationship and your date night. So like easing them into it and being like, okay, we can still have sex. We can still have fun. You know, it's, but there's a period of adjustment for sure.

35:46 Yeah. And for those that are curious, sex is a million times better when you're sober. It is.

35:51 It is.

35:53 And like finally after I'd stopped, he was like, yeah, you know, whatever. He said two things that I thought were funny. One, I might've mentioned like, oh, am I boring now? And he was like, no offense, babe. Like you weren't that excited when you were passing out on the couch anyway. And I was like, ooh, touche. But then the other thing he said once was like, you never rip off my shirt anymore. And I was like, honey, I don't even remember that. So I did a total blackout.

36:22 So like whatever happened, like hope it was fun.

36:25 You're like, glad you liked that. And it won't be happening. I know I told my husband the other day.

36:29 It won't be happening, but it also like, I don't remember it.

36:33 So, you know. I totally teased him. And I was like, I always thought I'd do a strip tease for you when we were dating. And I was like, that's gone now. Just no. Get that dream out of your head. That's never happening. And he was like, oh.

36:43 And you know what? We were also 30 years younger.

36:46 Yeah, exactly. I was like, I was still trying to impress you at that time. Like, let's be real. Now we know each other way too well for me to even take that seriously.

36:55 That feels like a lot of effort.

36:57 Yeah, sorry, dude. Like, let's get to the good part here.

37:00 So.

37:01 Changing subjects a little bit, I ask all of my guests this one. What does the idea of no more wasted days mean to you?

37:08 Yeah, I saw that and I was like, it means everything.

37:12 Everything.

37:12 Because I wasted so many days of my life feeling physically ill. Like just my head, like I felt like I could feel every like heartbeat in my head. It felt like my brain was like sinking into. True. My skull, I felt nauseous all the time. I hated looking in my bloodshot eyes, my watery eyes. I mean, I remember my little kids jumping on the couch on a Saturday morning and me being like, hey, mommy doesn't feel so good.

37:46 Do you mind? And I don't do that anymore, obviously. I don't waste my days or nights anymore. And- You can accomplish so much more and, you know, be so much happier and less overwhelmed when you're not trying to like barely get through the day without throwing up or laying down or whatever, whatever you need. Yeah.

38:13 And you don't have to think about hiding your wine, getting the screw top bottles versus the wine cork bottles. It's like that right there. Like that's what I always tell people. I'm like, that's the stuff you don't even know. Well, and that's the stuff you're like, I never.

38:27 No, I never hid my drinking. I didn't have it in my closet or in the laundry room. And it's like, oh, that's kind of hiding your drinking.

38:35 Right? No, that's how I was. I was like, I didn't hide my drinking. I don't know what you're talking about. And then I'm like, oh, I can see how I did it now. That counts? And you need it.

38:43 You need some distance from it because your mind can rationalize so much. And once you step away from it, you're like, oh, I made so many choices limiting my world around where alcohol would be or wouldn't be available. Like I wouldn't just say no to things that weren't going to involve drinking on a Saturday night. And that's kind of sad. Your world gets a lot smaller.

39:11 Yeah, totally. So, and I know you help women quit drinking. You have different groups and I know you do like different challenges too. So this, I would love for you to share with people a little bit about what you do, if there's anything coming up and how they can follow you after this.

39:28 Thank you. Yeah.

39:29 So.

39:30 I'm a sober coach. I work exclusively with women, typically busy working women, working moms. That's the majority of the women I work with. And a lot of the strategies I use is so they can fit into those little windows of time. that they have. And so the strategies will help them cope with their boss and cope with their kids and manage, you know, their partner and what they need. So I have a coaching program. It's called the sobriety starter kit designed to take you from like day one to six months, a year and beyond. I've got a community of 500 women who are part of that. And, you know, we do live coaching calls and talk every day online. And we do programs like the Sober New Year 100, where we start a big cohort and the

40:25 goal is 100 days and live coaching throughout and a graduation at the end. And that's really cool. You can find out all about that at the sobrietystarterkit.com. And then I host the Hello Someday podcast as well.

40:40 Awesome. Thank you so much. This has been great.

40:43 Thank you.

40:44 Okay, I had so much fun listening to Casey talk about all of the things. I know we veered off topic a few times, but there were just points where I was like, oh wait, we have to double back and talk about this topic. But I'm hoping now that you're feeling so empowered to start your alcohol-free journey, whether you're doing it with your partner or not. Casey is proof that it can be done. I think a lot of times as women, we can be really hesitant to go all in on goals that are very focused on us.

41:14 And taking on an alcohol-free journey is a huge goal. It's a huge life change for people. And when we do it, it's hard to be like, well, what's going to happen for my spouse? After listening to this episode, I know that now you can see that it can be done. And I hope that you heard all of the positives that happen when you quit drinking. especially for your relationships. Whether it be your spouse or your kids or your other family members, I can truly say that quitting drinking has changed all of my relationships for the better.

41:46 If you haven't already, be sure to go check out Casey McGuire-Davidson's podcast, The Hello Someday Podcast, and be sure to check out her sobriety starter kit as well if you're wanting somebody to support you on your alcohol-free journey. And be sure to check out her other links in the show notes if you're looking for a little extra support from her. Lastly, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe to the podcast on whatever platform you listen.

42:09 And of course, I would love a review from you because these reviews are very helpful to growing a podcast. And when this podcast grows, it means that more people get the support they need on their alcohol-free journey. Thank you so much for listening. And remember, life is short. Don't waste another day of it to alcohol.