The Bonfire of the Vanities | RHOC S20 E13

You know, this is her friend. Vicki goes up to her and says, you know, I'm heartbroken that you would go around and tell people this. And Samra says, I totally get where you're coming from. I was just really concerned about you. But did I hear that you called me toxic? Hi, hello, and welcome to Bad TV. I'm Dylan.

I'm in Virginia. That's Pat. He's in Los Angeles.

Hello. How are you? I'm great.

Los Angeles. What? Shit.

Well, you unplugged it, didn't you?

Did it unplug? How does it sound now?

That sounds great. We're doing Zoom. Don't worry. It's just this week. Then we're back. Shut up.

Los Angeles. Fun fact about Los Angeles. It is a city that has always been close to the O.C., Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Another fun fact. The Earth revolves around the sun.

What do you think about that? What do you think about that fun fact about Los Angeles, though?

Hmm. Did you smoke weed before we started? No, no, no.

I'm not even freaking high at all. Guys, we're here to talk about the Real Housewives.

Is Ruby there?

She's asleep.

She is. Is Ryan there? Yeah. Wow.

It's a fun time. Yeah, cool.

Okay.

Okay, so listen. We're here to talk about the OC. The Real Housewives of Orange County. It is a bonfire of a television show. And the bonfire was a flame tonight. We threw every piece of kindling of this dying franchise onto the flames. and lit it to the skies in the form of Tamara's THC drink party, which had a surprise arrival from Jesus Jugs. Now, Tamara did not tell Shannon about her arrival. Despite her wanting to grow closer to Shannon and mend fences, she thought that she would invite Shannon's sworn enemy to the party and not tell her.

I didn't feel like I had to. We're really firing on all cylinders. We've got brain scans tonight. There's a lot of crazy stuff going on. I want to tell everybody that we are doing Salt Lake City at Patreon. And we are doing, if Traders keeps dropping two episodes, we're going to do one for free and then the other, the second episode of the week will be. at Patreon, but yes.

I don't think they're going to do that. I would like to keep it free if they just drop one episode a week. That would be nice.

If they just drop one, but we'll see what they do.

But what I'm really excited about is the new season of Love is Blind because it's in Boston. I'm going to really enjoy doing that. Love is Blind. Now that I don't take it seriously anymore, I'm okay with the workload. They drop 15 fucking episodes on our head Like I'm getting dumped on by a gigantic elephant, just drops a load on my head.

Sure.

That's the quality of that show. Now that I don't take it serious anymore, I know what I'm getting. I know what I need to do. I'm a professional. I'm excited for it.

Yeah, I'm not. But we're here to talk about The Real Housewives of Orange County. Pat, what did you think about this episode? I gave it five tits.

Okay. It's always horrible. But I was inspired to... by this episode, because in the middle of it, I was thinking, and what my idea came about ended up happening later in the episode, was I was like, the 20th season, where the fuck are all the old cast members? Why aren't we seeing them in the 20th season? And I wrote down some names, And lo and motherfucking behold, I wish I could just show the names that I wrote and then who showed up. I had written down Quinn.

I wrote down Lynn. I wrote down Bronwyn. I wrote down Lydia, although I don't think Lydia was there. But I was like, where are these people? It's nice to see Joe, who was kind of a friend of the show on her season. But I was like, Lori. And she wasn't there. But I was like, and then I got inspired. I was like, this is where they fucked up with the 20th. They should have done a hybrid of a girls trip season where you just mash together all the greatest girls from their greatest seasons, put them together, and also treat it as a where are they now.

I would have loved to see Lynn Curtin Dudeway, where the fuck are you now? You're divorced. Your husband was lying about how much money he was making. Your daughters did porn. In the last couple of years. I want to hear all about it. And then I also want to see you do two days in Vegas with Vicky, with Lizzie, with Lori, whose son killed somebody. And let's just all catch up, reminisce. And that is a fun show.

Let's whoop it up! And that's what the 20th should have been. I don't fucking need Jean. I don't need me ball. I don't need Emily or Shane. I hate you. I don't need that. I don't need that. Like it, it just would have been fun to have all the former cast members doing a girl's trip. And where are they?

Where are their lives at now? That would have been fun to have.

That's not what you have. What you have is Carmela showing Jen around a house and asking her to work on the interior design, something that will never happen in a thousand lifetimes. Let's get into the show. How many tits do you give this episode?

Zero.

Okay.

This should have been deleted.

Tamara, what do you mean just not aired? We skipped this week?

The season. Okay. Okay. Dylan, Dylan, Dylan. I know you're not a heavy metal fan. Okay. Lars Ulrich is the drummer from Metallica. They have sold a hundred million records. They sell out stadiums multiple nights. Lars Ulrich came over to his son's mansion to hear new tracks for their record. And Lars played the new tracks. Now this is years into their career and Lars plays them three tracks. And his dad says in a very, very like, um, deep German accent, I would hit delete on them. Hit delete on all of them. Because he thought they sucked. And they did. Hit delete. I would hit delete on this entire season.

Did you just use an anecdote between Lars Ulrich and his father?

Yes. Hit delete. Sometimes it's just not worth looking at or seeing. The public doesn't need to see it. It should be deleted. This was that this season should be deleted.

Would you rather watch a 40 minute live stream of people buying scratchers and scratching off scratchers and losing scratchers at a 7-Eleven for 40 minutes or this?

Well, I did a version of this with my buddy D-Rock one night when we got high, and we called it the Great American Scratch-Off. We bought 100 scratch tickets, and we scratched them all. I think we won $ 6.

All right, so Tamara goes to get a scan, and I believe she says that Teddy refused to scan her second scan, and if she would have gone, they would have caught the tumors earlier. Correct? Am I correct in saying that?

I think so, yes.

Okay, great. Vicky is emailing. She is a voraciously emailing at the scan artist.

The radiologist.

Yeah.

What's funny, Dale, is when they get their results back, Tamratz comes back. She's never looked better in her results. And Vicky's scan reveals a laptop fused to her upper hips. I don't even know how that came back that way.

Yeah. And it's so weird that they were so concerned about the plaque on her brain when there was a laptop and a Hewlett Packard 13-inch laptop fused to her hip. It's like, well, can we talk about that? Like, forget the plaque in the brain. I mean, that's crazy.

Well, the plaque in the brain, the doctor, Vicky asked the doctor, is there anything I can do, doc? Anything I can do to help improve myself? And they said, yes, get a self-esteem.

Yeah, those are really, really tough to come by nowadays. Um, just what with inflation and whatnot, but, um, we, the, the thing with these scans is that they can't, um, they can't scan for evil. And if they scan for kind of like a darkness, kind of like a spiritual plaque, uh, Tamra's would look, uh, like a Rorschach test. It would just be like a, like a fucking bladder splot of just demonic energy. But anyways, Vicky scans do not go well.

And one could assume that that's something to be kept between her and her doctors. And if it is disseminated amongst the friend group, definitely not in the less than sensitive manner in which Tamra brought it to the group because she is an evil.

Hey, I don't know if you heard. I think Vicky might get her driver's license taken away.

Hey, have you guys ever seen what early onset dementia looks like in a brain scan? I took a picture of Vicky's. I think this is pretty much what it looks like. You guys got to check this out here. I'll text it to everybody. LOL. What a fucking monster. Now, Terry and Heather chat, and we chat with Terry's mom, speaking of of Alzheimer's is very sad. She's absolutely lost her mind, and she's screaming about her living conditions, which I can only assume are upwards of $ 10, 000 a month.

Go ahead. Well, I was going to say, we're in the ivory towers of Century City, and you and I have both joked we could never live here. But more importantly, Terry allows his 96-year-old mom, who's in the throes of Alzheimer's, to be heard on film. I'm sure not with her consent, but it's so nice of Terry, to allow this as a storyline, think about it. You could say, Pat, you tell stories about your family all the time. And I do.

And that's because I want to live in a penthouse, but not in Century City. And once I do, I still won't sell my mom out to Bravo like this fucking asshole.

Well, what are you going to do? I mean, she's always screaming. She's essentially like a parrot at this point, who's always pissed off about where she is. She goes, I don't know why I get here. You're going to change it. But she sits down or he sits down with Heather and they discuss being part of the sandwich generation, which I'm not sure how old their children are. I thought they was grown. But Terry is asked, do you want any resolution with her? And he goes, what are you talking about? She's a 92-year-old with Alzheimer's. What am I going to sit down and talk about the time she left me at batting practice for three hours? Like, what are we talking about? But he deflects and he asks Heather about her parents. Very smart. Very, very smart.

Deflect, deflect, deflect.

Speaking of smart, Heather, when she was coming up, her parents always outlined the paths for their children. Her sister was the smart one and Heather was the talented one. Now, I don't know anything about her sister, but I know that the route that they chose for Heather, she did not, let's say, speed down by any way. in any way, shape or form. I wouldn't quite say Heather Dubrow is a talented human being.

No, no, no, no. But I think the overall point is they were both, um, they were both raised by a single mother, according to them. And, uh, look what they became up quite the power couple.

Yeah. Heather, Heather didn't know that she was smart until she started dating, uh, And Terry knew that she was smart instantly because he was telling her about some disgusting experiment he was doing on vestigial tails back at his internship. And she said, is there a spinal cord in that tail? And he snapped his fingers and said, this one is smart because this is why I'm doing this disgusting tail experiment.

I'm trying to see if there's a spinal cord in there. So Heather Dubrow found her intelligence through her marriage, and he found his family through her.

It's really beautiful. It absolutely is. And I really took an issue with the sandwich generation, because I think Heather Dubrow actually searches the internet for words, new words to bring up on the show. I think that's what she uses her free time to do. Had you heard the sandwich generation before this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you had. Okay. Yeah, but I still think that that's... easily an hour to two hours a week for Heather Dubrow is just looking for things to say on this show.

Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah.

By the way, for me, I, I think I got 25 years left. Hopefully, uh, my uncle Joe, uh, he lived to be 84, by the way, a little Patty's, uh, drunken history. Uh, Joe, uh, my father's brother being my, he's my uncle. He was the biggest fucking drunk out of the entire family. He drank a case of beer a day. Yeah. A case of beer a day. Anyway, but before him, no one made it to 72. So I got that going for me.

Okay.

He broke the record, that drunken bastard.

Why did you bring up Joe's drinking history?

Oh, it's funny that he was the most unhealthy drinker case of beer a day, and he outlived every other hickey by 12 years.

Yeah, I still am a little confused.

That's why I drink.

I will say the beer drunks are pretty bad. beer drunks are bad and the vodka drunks are bad. Those are the worst drunks. Let's get to Shane's parents. We've known that they've been floating their entire lives for some time, but now it is writ large. Oh my God. Shane's family is loaded. Yes.

Now this is a fucking party, by the way. This is a party. The food's insane. The house is insane. Everyone's dressed up. This is wealth.

This is what, this is what Heather Dubrow's wants her parties to be.

That's right. But she has to go, Oh my God, I think we should have a cigar lounge over there. And then, you know, I have a new wine coming out. So why don't we just, well, I have to get my name on the bottles of course. And so, and then we'll have a massage table over there and then people are rolling their eyes.

We didn't get, we didn't get the shipment in time for the party. We, we wanted all of the bottles to be engraved Dubrow champagne, but, they couldn't get it done in time. So we're just drinking VUV.

Are we going to have the pretzel maker? Pretzel maker.

This, this woman standing at the entrance of the, to the foyer in her red carpet dress is, I mean, that's Alice in Wonderland kind of stuff. That is so cool. You know, and I'm not a fancy boy or anything. That is really, really cool. Um, We also have a woman and I'm not saying it's not tacky. It's just, it's very, very over the top. Um, so Luke is at home. He gets overwhelmed by, uh, the noises. Um, and we will, I'm not laughing at Luke. I'm laughing at.

This woman. Did you see that when she showed her phone to Shane with that stage conversation? The poor kid texted his mom. All he texted was, Mom, Mommy, Mom, Mom, Mom. Shane, I turned off my phone. I turned off my phone, Shane. I don't know what you were doing. Oh, you were driving home to hang out with him. I don't know why you did that. You're supposed to be here at the party. You're supposed to be here at the party.

You're 100% doing Caitlyn Jenner, and that's all that voice was. Oh, sorry.

She reminds me of Caitlin.

Hey, boys, I'm sorry. They came out of nowhere. They're all dead. Oh, just one of them's dead. Oh, thank God. You know, you know, you know, boys, I used to be. What a quirky character. All right.

Shane, blame yourself.

Vicky arrives.

Blame yourself. Blame yourself.

And you've got multiple people not wanting to approach the Vicky saying things to Carmela. You know, you've got to give Vicky credit. She is such a crazy bat. Vicky essentially insinuated that Carmela was a do-nothing renting whore who didn't raise her children at all and was a fake and a liar. And when the women are like, hey, you've just got to tone down your rhetoric, Vicky says...

You need to tone down your rhetoric.

Here's the thing I will say about Carmela. When her kids are 30, they'll still live in America and talk to her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, not living in America is so far away. It's crazy. So Shannon and Vicky, they go and they hit the hors d'oeuvres and Vicky goes.

This is.

Why don't they have name tags? Vicky, you're in such... It's like you'll do anything to slight a lifestyle better than yours. What are you doing talking about the name tags here?

Why do they throw the party?

We've got... We've got people in cages that are diamond-shaped pouring champagne. We have a story line That evidently happens in complete flashback over the past two days. That being Tamara's conversations with the women about this Vicky thing.

Vicky might have brain damage.

This is how you know a season doesn't have it. And that the producers are, I don't know what they're doing. They're just not doing a good job with the show. This is a storyline. It's not a fantastic storyline or anything, but out of all of the things that you have chosen to dedicate airtime to, you have Tamra breaking a promise to Vicky and going around and telling the women that she has brain damage. This is glossed over in three minutes, and it's told through flashbacks. It doesn't make any sense. Do you agree that this is a little bit more meaty than a couple of flashbacks of Luch's?

Yeah, this feels like this was coverage that they needed to get, and it wasn't a flashback. This was actually like, we got to make this storyline make sense if we're going to even pull a storyline out of this. This season, it is just, they need to, well, push to leap.

Right, right, right.

But this is, I'm sorry, I'm going to go on a tangent here. My wife and I were talking about this season. And we were saying because the ratings are, I think it gets roughly 400,000 people watching it currently. And just so you know, New York City in that ill-fated season of New York where it was during COVID where they were getting about 300,000 people. More people were listening to us make fun of New York than actually watching it. It is near the chopping block. If they do this again or even think about doing this again with this cast next year, it's over.

My wife watches all the Housewives. She's not watching us. We were talking about it today. She's just like, yeah, I don't care to watch that show. That's crazy.

It's over. It's over. You can't do this again.

No, you cannot. Now, the reason you cannot is because we go from a good storyline that we gloss over sandwiched between the women talking about a problem they have with another woman, but they're not going to talk about it. Okay, great. That's awesome. And then we get to the shit talking, which is just. it's, you know, it's commonplace for this show, but, but we've seen it time and again, Vicki talking shit on Tamara, Tamara talking shit on Vicki, people saying that, uh, they actually said this about you. Uh, it's just a cat's cradle of nonsense. And Tamara says that Vicki is not a good person because she said that Tamara chooses fame over her children. Um, which again, coming from Tamara, I,

all I can say is that's very rich. That's rich.

Well, is this when Vicky confronts Tamrat about the whole brain shitting out thing? And then Tamrat counters and says, everyone thinks you're a horrible person and I keep defending you.

Right, yeah.

I mean, these are enduring friendships in your 60s, right? I mean, these are the people that you want surrounding you in that, I guess, what, third act? Possibly there's a fourth.

The final act, if it's a three-act structure. And this is her friend. Vicki goes up to her and says, I'm heartbroken that you would go around and tell people this. And Samra says, I totally get where you're coming from. I was just really concerned about you. But did I hear that you called me toxic? demon. I mean, truly a demonic entity. We're going to Tokyo and Heather's mom is getting an art gallery. Now, we get to the job site with Jen and Carmela. What is Jen going to do for this house?

Well, she was going to pick out finishings. Okay, so I watched this scene twice because I initially watched it when it aired and then I stopped it and then I watched it the next morning. Initially, this came off as first viewing had a couple of pops in me as this was like the worst kind of timeshare selling, like feeling, uh, Jenna, like, does this bitch have money that I can use to sell? Uh, and then the second time I watched it, I was like, maybe it was less selling Jen on, uh, what Vicki Gunderson had accused her of and more of just like, Maybe trying to help Jen out because she needs an ally and also maybe trying to help Jen out.

I think she's trying to help Jen out. But Jen is, listen, we think Jen's lovely, but she's an airhead. Jen's not going to be looking through catalogs and talking to people and networking to fulfill this need of a house. It's an entire fucking job. unless I do not understand what she's asking her to do.

Maybe she's just mentoring. Hey, look, sometimes you could give a person a little inspiration and they pick it up and they run with it. Maybe Jen's never had the opportunity.

They sit down and they talk about their husbands and Jen says that she has anxiety about repeating... corralling her children into a plan A and a plan A only. If anything goes wrong, she has no clue what she's going to do, which is always great.

Yeah, and this is the first time I think we've heard her talk a little shit about Ryan, right? They got in a little fight. Yeah, they're not getting married.

They're not getting married, but Jen needs to figure out the plan B because she's got too many kids. Let's get to Shane and Emily. We get these texts from Luke, and I know that you're fatigued by this storyline, and I completely understand it, but it does seem like this kid is really, really going through something and really, really struggling. And, yeah, I don't know. This seems like it's not something that's dealt with... With any real teeth or anything like that?

It's a very surface level, just kind of fly by of somebody going through this.

First off, a lot of families have children that have needs. You don't make a fucking storyline out of it. Your life should be interesting enough, but that's the problem with this casting, being a dead horse, is... Emily, you've gassed out of your need on this show, and now you're grabbing at straws, which is you're exploiting your children now.

I think that she could probably do a lot of good with this kind of storyline, but it's not a very committal thing. And it might be in a place where you can't really make a lot of good out of it. It's just not a good situation. But that's not what it is. It's just her and Shane being pissed off at each other. She gets pissed off at Shane for not going back to the party after he came home with the kids. Like, Emily.

She is feeling herself. That gulping fucking dork. Big gulp dork. He can't catch a fuck and break this guy. He's losing another strand of hair every day when she shows up. I'm taking his side. I want to go to the weed shelter to watch.

He might be a good dad. I think he just doesn't like being around these women, doesn't like filming, and just wants to be.

Damn it, Shane. Do you hear the dogs barking? I'm busy thinking of working out or something. Can you hear that fucking... Can you go fucking get the door, Shane? Hey, boys.

All right, let's get to THC Seltzer lunch. And I don't know... Who's the woman who offers her home up for.

Elizabeth Vargas.

Elizabeth Vargas. Yes. Now... We get a bunch of ladies from the past. Oh, yeah.

I'll name them all.

Yeah.

Quinn, season one. Bronwyn, season six. Has seven children in OC. Full-on drug addict and alcoholic. The reason she said she liked having as many kids as she did is she would not drink during pregnancy. So she liked that. She then all of a sudden left her husband. who she was having swinger parties with, moved to New York, became a lesbian, and then took up with this woman that looks like she does installation art in Midtown.

Right. Now, another person that's coming is Jesus Jokes. And the rumor of this ripples around the entire party. I love Shannon's posture. She genuinely does not care. And Emily goes, but wait. What if they walked by right now? Shannon's like, I don't fucking give a shit. But another person that has a problem with Jesus Jokes is Heather Dubrow, who Jesus Jokes called feckless on a podcast.

Which I agree with that assessment.

Yeah, for sure. When Jesus Jokes shows up, she evidently gives Heather a look. And this is something that is expressed to Tamara, and Tamara goes and addresses it. And Jesus Chugs has a manic collapse. If I was Johnny J., just suing women all over the Orange County, I would say, we got dressed up for this. What are you doing right now, leaving the party because somebody said that you've got to look? I mean, Jesus Chugs is certifiably fucking nuts.

And then Heather Dubrow gets urged to go out there to explain– herself. By the way, they did the look back. Did Jesus Juggs throw her a look?

No.

I don't think so. I think Heather Dubrow made that up. She did smile and wave. at some of the girls. And I think from the camera angle, the worst that Jesus Juggs did was not pay attention to Heather Dubrow waving at her or something.

I don't know.

Heather Dubrow, she has a really interesting relationship with the truth.

Yeah, she does. And Jesus Jokes has a really interesting relationship with Jesus. And all of these women have an interesting relationship with one another. Unfortunately, they can't make it interesting for television, but we thank you for listening anyways. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. Join us at patreon.com slash another podcast network for Real Housewives of Salt Lake, some traders here and there, and Love is Blind. APS will be recapping the whole trip. to the East Coast, and we love you guys for listening. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye.

Oh, bye, guys. One last note. Emily said that she's referred to all the former cast members as old faces. Right? Yeah. Lizzie, I would take the old faces over you any fucking day. Fucking Emily. Lizzy, are you still designing bikinis? Lynn, how are the girls?

Give us Lynn Carter. We love you guys very much. We'll see you next week. I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat saying goodbye. Later, dudes.

The Bonfire of the Vanities | RHOC S20 E13

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