Valentine’s Day Sucks, There We Said It (S1 E14 “Love is in the Air”)

Welcome to Desperately Devoted.

Think of us as your favorite neighbors as we chat about life and relationships.

All while we revisit the iconic show Desperate Housewives together.

I'm Terry Hatcher, I'm Andrea Bowen.

And I'm Emerson Tony.

Welcome back to Desperately Devoted. And I will tell you this one is episode fourteen. It was called Love Is.

In the Air appropriately on Valentine's Day Eve, February thirteenth.

Oh that okay?

And so yes, in this episode it is almost Valentine's Day and I just have to stop right there with our themes because is there a holiday that is more provocative of complicated emotions? And I'm going to give you the answer even though I gave you the question and it's no, there is not.

Okay, Yeah, I agree. I think Valentine's Day is incredibly polarizing. People love it or they hate it, or they love to hate it. Where do we fall? Emerson? Do you love it?

Do you hate it?

You know what? I love it. But here's what I have to say about Valentine's Day. I'm all for love, and I'm all for loving your friends, loving your romantic partner.

Loving yourself.

I think it's great to have a day to remind you to do that. I also think February objectively is the most depressing month the holidays are over. I feel like this was a manufactured holiday to keep people from just absolutely slipping into the oblivion of depression, and ironically probably forces some people over the edge of depression because it's reflected back in their face if they're not necessarily in the relationships that they want to be in. But my hot take on Valentine's Day is, while I love eating chocolate and drinking wine and being sexy and being in a bath and flowers, not so much roses, but flowers, I think I think Valentine's Day is the worst day to go to a restaurant. Don't go to a restaurant.

Go on the thirteenth to a restaurant, and on Valentine's Day, make someone cook you something nice at home or order a pizza.

Why Why is that?

Because all restaurants mark up their menus like for a special Valentine's Day menu prefix Yeah, and it's not the food you even want to order, and you're paying like two hundred dollars more for it, and there's so much pressure on, like which restaurant you pick? And I think Valentine's Day is a great day to if you are in a partnership or with yourself, you know, feel a lot of pleasure and whatever that means to you.

And like be at home, that was just a full on, like I think you know Ted talk on Valentine's Day, Like I really, I'm not even sure there's much more to.

Say, and I'll come back at the end of the episode to say more.

Okay, you feel I feel, as the single person who's been single for basically decades, short of a few months here or there, I feel like I have had to learn to approach Valentine's Day differently over my life. Certainly when I was younger and in relationships, I found it actually to be quite stressful. I founded the anticipation of it even when I was in a relationship that I was either going to be disappointed or overjoyed. But you know it was he going to remember, or was it going and make me feel amazing, or was he going to forget and make me feel horrible?

Or was he going to get shot and bleed out at the table and fall onto the ground.

As happens in this.

Episode, that does happen in this episode. Yes, that never happened to me in real life, thank god. But I will tell you one thing that did happen to me. When I was quite young. On Valentine's Day, I had gone to Paris to visit a boyfriend that I was seeing, who was an actor. Which is why I will just say, don't date actors. Marry them, okay, all right, or marry the good ones, like I'm sure there's a few good ones, but many of them are not. So Anyways, I was dating an actor and he was doing a TV series in Paris, and I had gone over to visit him, and it was Valentine's Day and he had an apartment there and I was waiting in the apartment all Valentine's dayed up and you know, ready to be a Valentine.

And he did not come home.

Just to be clear, this was not my dad.

Oh god, no, no, I think fine. I hadn't even thought about your dad in regards to Valentine's Day, And probably because we had fairly moderate memorable like, I don't think anyone disappointed anybody, and I don't think anybody overjoyed anybody got too divorced, but whatever, like I it was probably fine. I don't have anything to say.

Okay, so this is not the eighties. This is the eighties in Paris, not my dad. He doesn't come home.

So I'm there in this apartment alone in Paris, and I don't know why. The person I thought to call to analyze why my boyfriend was not coming home on Valentine's Night was Richard Dean Anderson. But that's who I called, and he was in Canada being mcgiver and we had been friends on and off for years, and I don't know why at this moment I felt like he was my guy friend because I think we.

Did like we never like dated dated.

Even though that rumor's out there, Like I was never his girlfriend, but we had moments of day, you know, going out together a little bit anyway. So but at this point I called him and he said, oh, he's seeing another woman, Like that's what men do. Like if he's not coming home, it's because he's probably sleeping with his co star. Like he just felt like very like I'm a star of a TV show. I know what it's like to be a male star of a TV show I'm not saying that he did that, but I just think his perspective and that's probably why I called him, you know. And so I was sort of like, wow, okay, that's really disappointing if that's true. And I started snooping around the apartment. Yes you did, Yes I did. And

I found a box of polaroids because that was a thing in the day, and they were like nude and sexy polaroids of this other woman, this French woman. And so there was my answer.

Happy for Valentine's Day, Jesus, right, But.

You know what I did, and this is what I'm getting to of, like where I have arct on Valentine's Day over the last many decades. I decided to go out and stroll around Paris. And I don't know that I've ever was, ever had been in Paris before. So I'm strolling around who knows what, well, how do you call it the arn Mont or what's ur?

Yeah?

There you go. Okay, can you do that again, because I'm super sexy the oh my god, there you go so good? Wow. Okay, So I was wandering around those I don't know which one I was in, but I went by a jewelry store and at the time in the eighties, Cardier was doing this like three ring, three different kind of gold. You would sort of like roll it.

I'm sure they still make it. Of course, at that time in my life, I could never afford a ring from Cardier, but they had a gold version of that that was just like not a a designer, and I was like, you know what, I'm going to buy this for myself on Valentine's Day in Paris as like a recognition that I love myself and everything is going to be okay. And I still have that ring to this day.

And I think, I know what you're talking. I love that ring.

Yeah, it's a it's a it's a classic. It's I don't have the Cardier version, but I have the Parish Survive being cheated on versions.

That's what I have, and so I know what that's priceless.

It really is. And so that brings me to just being like I now in today's day, I have perceived Valentine's Day as Gallentine's Day. I've done a lot of years where I've taken another single girlfriend and we've gone and done something fun and seen a comedy show or gone to dinner, which you're apparently telling me, don't.

Do you like to do it?

And I also really take it as a day to recognize love in my life, and so I will text all of my girlfriends, whether they're married or not, and just say I love you so much, I'm so appreciative. So for me, it's become sort of a day of expressing love to those I love and love to myself.

Yeah, I hear you.

I sort of have this ambition of being like the cool girl who thinks Valentine's Day is just commercialized, which it is, and you know, I'm like, oh, I don't give a shit about Valentine's Day. But I'm not that cool girl. I do like Valentine's Day. But I like it for all of the reasons we're saying, right. I like that it gives us an opportunity and an extra reason to express our love and gratitude for those in our lives, whomever they may be. Not necessarily romantic, but certainly that as well. And I've had a series of pretty good Valentine's Day I was driving here thinking about Valentine's Day though before we you know, hopped into our booth to record this and I had memory that I hadn't remember. I hadn't I just kind of shot at

the top of my mind, which happens. Yeah, and I had totally forgotten about this. But my first relationship, my very first serious relationship of my life. We started dating at the end of December, and so Valentine's Day was kind of early on still, but it was our first Valentine's Day as a couple, and he didn't do anything.

He did nothing. I mean, I think I was waiting to see if he was going to make plans or take me to dinner and nothing.

I don't even know if I heard from him. You guys, I ended up being with him for three more years. Bad but anyway, you.

Were a cool girl, too cool.

Too cool.

But I remembered that my brother Cam, who was anti this relationship because it was a friend of his, and he was like, don't date each other.

I don't want you to date each other.

And we did anyway, but he realized that there were no plans made for me, so he took me bowling.

Ah.

So the first I do not have this sibling thing, companionship companionship too. Yeah, if you ever find yourself alone and you want to go bowling. You can always call me and you can call me too.

Okay, thanks mom, Okay, so stain episode.

Lots of Valentine's Day plans happening, lots of uh, we've got We've got Susan's romantic date with Mike where she goes to talk about the whole kids thing, which I think was really interesting, and we can chat about some things that come up with that where Emerson mentions that he ends up bleeding out at the table, which was crazy.

And we see we don't see that much of Gabby and Carlos's but we.

Do have no that's true. We don't see much of spending.

It in bed but just for hire that sounds badly.

At the mattress at the mattress store.

Yeah, not in bed, in laingerie for her husband.

And she's doing that because Carlos and Gabby at this point in this series are you know, low on funds because he's been arrested and they still can't get access to the bank account. And so she's now out having to pour herself out as a like boat show, car show, and model, and now she's at a mattress store.

And by the end of this episode, we actually have Gabby ending up working in a makeup store, which I love because I felt like, oh, you know, that would be a good job for her to have, and her kind of rival with.

Yellin our housekeeper.

Yeah, and that's I love that.

And then we have talk about, you know, mangled expressions of love Lynette's new neighbor who we meet, Missus McCluskey.

This is the episode where we meet Missus McCluskey for the first time. Can we just we just have to pause and talk about Katherinejusin and just how amazing she was and is. And I know in our last episode I told you guys about the spreading her ashes around the world story, which is just you know, you know, I remembered something else about that. Do you remember in the Croatia part in the Mediterranean where the guy with the snorkel came by in the middle of the of the pouring of the ashes. When I got out of the water there, the first rock I saw was in the shape of a heart, and I picked it up and brought it home. And I still have that because I have not seen her kids since then. So it kind of makes me think think, you know, speaking Valentine's Day.

I have this heart shaped rock that I pulled out of the water after putting her ashes in the sea, and I need, I need to reconnect with her kids and make sure that they get that's yeah.

So yeah, but man, she is she is something.

She just jumps right out the screen immediately, and yeah, she's such a she becomes obviously such a big fixture of wester Elane.

But what a wonderful episode for her.

I love how I believe that she was a nurse in Chicago at like an institutional kind of place. Like she had some hardcore life jobs, you know, like she's a she was just a wealth of complicated, crazy you know things that she did in her life. And so I'm gonna I'm gonna I've forgotten some of them now, but I'm gonna dig back.

I think she was in a Mary Kayton Ashley Olsen movie that I saw when I was a kid. I kind of remember that she started acting later in.

The life, and that's because I think she was a nurse before.

Yeah, Okay, so so I don't know, but I remember this movie and I not well, but I remember her being in it. And so then when she was on desk gas. I was like, oh, she was in that Mary Kate Nashley Olson movie.

Well, she brings she brings such I mean, just from this first episode that she's in, she brings such a kind of grounded, layered, nuanced performance. And you know, of course, in this episode it ends with her getting hit in the face with an egg that Lynette throws at her after her kids steal things from Missus McCluskey, but turns out their thieves of the whole neighborhood. And that's gonna come back in the Mike and Susan storyline. And then we have talk about hot sex on Valentine's Day, Brie deciding she's gonna try to learn more about Rex's sexual desires, even if that means putting his handcuffs in the dishwasher there.

The only thing in there too, just the pair of handcuffs on the top rack.

Well, you know, Bree is like kind of a woman who was washing a dish the second it's thurty.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

Maybe not so water wise, but yeah, but definitely thorough with her cleanliness.

Yeah, we get that moment.

Where they're sitting on the couch and Breeze trying to educate herself on what a dominatrix lifestyle is like. And so we hear kind of some background of a video I imagine a DVD.

Oh I know, Oh my god, this porn sounded so old to me, like old school.

I was like, what it's felt like a.

Cross between like a eighties jazzer size video and BDSM porn. But I would pay so much money to see what they were watching, and.

That's wow, that's really good. I wonder who would have that information that would be Would that be a props department or.

Maybe or maybe it was done after the fact that maybe they were just reacting to something and then it was laid in audio wise, But it.

Brought up a pretty big theme that I think we should talk about, which is sex. Because this was a show on ABC at nine o'clock on Sunday nights. This was not HBO, this was not you know, streaming, and in that porn scene that you didn't see but you heard, you know, it definitely sound porny, like I mean, that felt to me like you're walking right up to the edge of what you're allowed to do on television. And again, I think this show was riskier than people kind of remember that it was. But in that sense, I also just felt like, when have you ever seen a character ask so sort of bravely and vulnerably their partner, like what can I do for you? Teach me about this?

And I mean it made me think like, is anybody ready to go there and talk about their own like sexuality or even if you're just talking about people we know. I mean, this is a really this is an area where I think people have a lot of shame. WHOA I have so much shame about what they actually want about asking for what they want, honestly, even if it's not sexual, people feeling like it's not okay to ask for what you want and what you need without being filled with shame. I just think it's pervasive. And I had a little thing happened to me with my parents that had nothing to do with sex that I thank god.

I well, although, okay, like I have seen my mother's naked ass in the hospital when she was like getting out of bed and walking with the open backed a hospital gown to the bathroom, which is something nobody needs to see and for viewers at home, Emerson now is simultaneously trying to cover her ears and her eyes with just two hands.

I feel like I'm watching the conjuring Oh yeah, some of.

Those hospital gowns, like why can't we get it together? Why do we need to have them look like that and tie like that?

They're so humiliating.

It's so humiliating, like where is we don't honor people's dignity, especially in a situation where they're probably already compromise. They're in the hospital, like, we can do better. Okay, So there's.

One and then the other thing I've seen, so I think I may don't want to hear this. I well, you're gonna show as everyone else. So I may have mentioned that I had installed ring cameras in my parents' home, not as cameras to abuse their privacy or independence, but to make sure that they're safe when I can't be there, to make sure that the doors are locked and that no one's fallen down. I'll periododically check in. And one time on the periodic.

Check in, oh no, Andrew's covering her eyes.

You should? You should? You probably should. I saw my father walk across the dining room kitchen without any clothes on, and.

Did you stop checking in after that.

I immediately switched it off. And I, you know, am very sensitive, but I do. I'm their caregiver. I do have to check and make sure that. I mean, I've seen things happen that are and then I run over there, you know, or I mean.

It's funds like you've seen a lot of things happen that are back.

Yeah, hey, you know what, he's just walking trying to get a snack. I naked across our kitchen to get a snack.

I don't want someone watching my house with cameras because I'm walking naked everywhere.

Yeah, and I've started walking naked in my house all over the place too, And that's a new thing. That's an empty nester thing.

Were you inspired by your dad?

No, it's not inspired by my dad. But I was inspired by the fact that I finally it's taken me years, by the way, I've been an empty nester since twenty sixteen, but it's taken me up until like maybe a year ago, to be like, this is my house, no one is here. I can walk from my bedroom down to the kitchen to get water and walk back up to my bedroom and I don't have to put clothes on like, but it's crazy that it's it's a lecture I have to give myself, like it's a pep talk I have to give myself. But back to the wants and the needs.

So I was up at my parents' house dropping off some food and checking in on them, and you know, I have my dad taken these art classes, and for some reason, in the last few weeks, other people have been added to my dad's time, So my dad is no longer there alone with the teacher. There's like maybe two or three or four other painters. And I had gotten a message a couple of weeks ago that my dad didn't want to go anymore, and I didn't really know why. And you know, with the dementia sometimes like the story changes or he doesn't really remember. So I talked to him about it a couple times, and he is going again now, and he claims to be okay with the other people there. But when I first talked to him about it, he said, I said, well, so

you're telling me there's other people there now and you liked it better when you were just there alone with the teacher. And he said, well yes, And I said, okay, Well, let me talk to the teacher because I'm and he said, no, no, you can't do that. She'll think I'm an asshole. So, even with dementia, his level of shame about asking for what he really wants, which is he like to take the class with just the teacher, doesn't really want the other people to be there. He's too ashamed to ask for what he wants. And he kept pushing back on me, don't call her, don't say this, And I said to him, I said, you know, Dad, at the end of the day, I understand that you've lived a life where you have felt like you wanted something and you felt some shame

around it, and you haven't asked for what you need. But I and you taught me that by the way you taught me that.

They ident do you, that your yes.

And I have spent you know, forty years trying to undo that voice. I'm not always successful, but I'm at least aware of that it is okay for me to ask for my needs and not feel ashamed in wanting whatever they are, maybe you don't get them. It isn't about the result of what you get. It's just about the presentation of being able to ask for what you want and need, and so I said that to him, and I said, and here's the thing, as your care now, I can't sit here and just accept that we can't ask for there's no space to ask for what you want.

So I am going to talk to the teacher and she's not going to think you're an asshole, and we're going to find a way for you to be happy in the class, because that's actually what's important. So not sexual at all, but an interesting like connection about the shame involved with asking for what you want.

And yeah, that's a great point.

Both roles are vulnerable.

You know, it's vulnerable of Breed to say, hey, teach me about this kink that you're into, and then it will be even more vulnerable for her to step outside of her comfort zone and try to fulfill that fantasy for him in a way that I'm sure to her initially feels really awkward and clumsy and difficult.

But it's also really vulnerable.

For him to even say these are my fantasies because you open yourself up, especially in a sexual context. I think when you ask for something that you want, you open yourself up to your partner laughing in your face or saying honestly, which Bree kind of does say when they first watch the porn, like what happened to you in your childhood? That you're so fucked up that this is a sexual fantasy that you have judgment, Yeah, exactly, the judgment of the fantasy. And I think I think as adults who want to, you know, be sexually mature and emotionally mature partners, I think the best thing we can try to do is not bring our own personal judgment to listening to what our partner's fantasies might be.

I feel like this is a really good example of where the different generations I'm X, your Y, and your Z have different views on this because I feel like my my generation and this is probably Brion rex is you know, don't talk about it to keep it repressed. Go have an affair with with Mazie, you know what I mean, like like find your dominatrix, like outside of your marriage. I mean, I remember.

Really stage advice, Hey, go find your dominatrix outside your marriage.

No, but I mean I think my generation. I bet you if you had a poll of people over sixty, they would say, like that it might be better to go get freaky things somewhere else and not burden your partner with them.

And I think that my generation is trying to work against that by you know, being a generation that attempts at destigmatizing couples, counseling and exploring your relationship. And of course there's like the big boom of when we're talking about porn, like the big boom of access to porn in the past. However, many years since the computer has been in our house, you know, has changed and probably offered a lot of people outlets for things and then started new conversations. But I don't think that as a millennial we are really that advanced either. I think we still have hang ups about it, and I see younger generations feeling a lot more open minded, less judgy, less critical of each other's wants and needs. I heard an

interview with Esther Perel the amazing Yeah, isn't she great? And she said something and you know, I would want to go back and kind of dig a little bit deeper. But my takeaway from it was that she was expressing that generalizing of course, but there's a big difference between men and women's approach to sex in that the frequency of the sex doesn't matter as much to women as the quality of it, and so feeling connected, feeling like it's varied, like it's a new experience, maybe not every time, but that it's rooted in real connection and so it can kind of go all over the place, matters more than how often they're having sex, right, And I was using that to kind of think about this episode and how much pressure there is around sex and Valentine's Day.

Like people think of Valentine's Day, yes, as romance and but like also as a sexy holiday.

We were talking about, god forbid, you have a YaST infection on Valentine Sure?

Yeah?

Or like the expectation of like getting lingerie and dressing up and like feeling like you have to have sex if you go out to dinner, which also the order of things I think is so screwed up. Like who wants to go out to dinner, have a big dinner, and then go home and have sex.

You have sex before.

This is what I'm saying.

Valentine's Day is the day to be in your house and have a lot of sex if you want to, and then order a pizza because you.

Went after dinner the night before.

Maybe yeah, or wine, sex, pizza, wine, sex, pizza. I would say that's the order to do Valentine's Day, and maybe candles wine, sex, pizza, chocolate, chocolate, definitely chocolate.

Yeah, is lingerie in there?

No, you can do whatever you want with langerie. Can you talk a.

Rule about lingerie and then we can we can, you know, move to some other storylines of this episode. But I don't think I think, don't ever buy Maybe I'm this is controversial hot take.

Don't ever buy expense of lingerie.

Because if you poop your pants, my.

I was gonna go to like, if he rips it off, this is my thing. It comes all over it and it's like, but if.

You're trying to entice your partner by wearing beautiful lingerie, the end result is probably that it's gonna come off of you very quickly, and you're probably only gonna wear it one time.

Not when you're my age. My bra never comes off.

Okay, well then you.

Lift it up. I mean, yeah, no, I should buy very I don't thinks to the bottom.

Okay, I don't think the lingerie has to look cheap, but I don't think it should be expensive.

It doesn't make any sense.

To me, unless you're wearing your lingerie sort of as clothing, which like you know people wear, like have a pretty boostie with a blazer over it.

I think that's great.

But if you're wearing it with the intention for someone to take it off of you, and they are probably going to think you look so fabulous that they're gonna want to take it off right away. Why why are we spending so much money on lingerie? So that's my that's I agree. Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

Well, I really have nothing to add to that except would.

You want to move to spanking then, because it's like sex adjacent, it's you know, it's it's dominatrix adjacent.

But in this episode it feels like the natural progression from Valentime's Data Spanker. Yes.

In this episode we have Lynette who is dealing with her very hairy, crazy children who are, as it turns out, stealing items from all of the neighbors and in the end revealing one specific part of our mystery, which which we can get to. But so, Lynette wants to not believe that her kids are as bad as they are, wants.

To believe their gift from God as the opening of the episode right.

Exactly on who's going to tell her but when? But when she finds out that they have stolen one thing, and she thinks, like, okay, what's going to be the toughest thing to make them never steal anything again? And she does this whole sort of pantomime of like that she's not really going to spank them, but she pretends that she is. And she offers like, would you like this, you know, tree branch, would you like this belt? Would you like this spatula?

Like get Rex in there. She wants to have this conversation.

Who wants to be hand coached?

And she offers them the idea that like, okay, you guys, you know you're getting spanked with something, so you pick what you want to be spanked with. And I just have to say, in my generation this like this happened to me, you were spanked. I wis and I have really vivid memories of being spanked with a belt. And I'm sure that my dad is horrified in hindsight at this.

And you know, I think this is something you definitely think about as you as you grow older and you forgive things that have happened in the past. And you sort of understand more deeply where people come from and why do they behave the way they behave, and and this is a good way. I think analyzing human behavior is a good way for you to feel some control about what you can do with your emotions. So I mean, I don't walk around angry at my parents. I never spanked you, and I would not. You know, I don't think that's a great idea. I don't think hitting anybody is a great idea to accomplish any kind of communication.

To that part of.

You.

Just can't get off of it. We just see, we can't. We can't get off of it. But anyway, I was, I was, and you know, I I'm sure it was a great level of frustration that my dad had. Like it was at a time where my mom was working in Europe, so I was a little kid and I was home with my dad and you know, he was working and we never you know, I didn't have a nanny like none of that, like none of the fancy things that children seem to have now whatever like that.

And I'm sure he just like was tired and hit a wall. And I don't know what I exactly I was doing that deserved that, But I know that where he came from, Like he's told me stories about growing up in Oklahoma, where his parents would say, go out and get pick the switch that you're gonna then get a paddling with like she does in the in the scene, and like Lynette does in the scene, and you just think you can't believe that that happened.

Well, can we sum up, like we're all rapid fire answer were neae on spanking?

We're all nay.

Yeah, definitely nay on spanking. Yeah for sure, but I do.

Think and ultimately no, Lynette is too.

Yes.

So it was an interesting because I don't think her plan was never to actually spank. It was the threat of you, if you do it again, then this is what's going to happen.

The idea of people who do spank their kids, though, actually brings me to another idea I was thinking about in this episode with the kind of power dynamic between Gabby and yellin when and it's really kind of atrocious, I would say personal behavior scene of Gabby's character in the beginning when she's kind of doing her makeup and Yeallen's cleaning the floor and she's getting off a phone call.

Gabby's getting off a phone.

Call where she's finding out that she's not going to get paid enough, or she has this kind of crappy modeling job, and she's clearly feeling really bad about herself, and instead of sitting with those feelings, she turns to Yellin and tells her to keep scrubbing the floor. I think on her knees where she belongs is the actual phrasing, which is just gross. But I think the way that people look to assert power when they feel powerless is really interesting. Gabby is feeling super powerless, and she's scanning the room for who can she feel more powerful than in this moment, And I think with spanking a similar idea of when you're at your wits end, feeling so helpless and powerless, what do you try to do to

regain that power? And I think that can be a lot of times those actions are super misguided.

Oh totally, and cutting cutting someone down to size in that way is maybe an immediate hit of something that you're lacking, but the long term effects on one's soul from behaving that way are.

Just have to be terrible.

But I noticed when you said that that then the kind of juxtaposition book end of the episode going, where as you mentioned, Gabrielle ends up working getting a job at a makeup store and applying.

Makeup to Yeallin.

I don't think I associated the fact that she was herself putting on makeup when she made that disgusting comment to Yellin, and then she ends by putting makeup on her, which I think is kind of, you know, nice, not redeeming. I actually hated this moment for Gabrielle.

Really, it really was. It was it was, but it was a powerful moment for Yealllin. You know, she says you're not better than me, and it you know, I think some of this stuff is really relevant today, and maybe that's why the show continues to be popular and draw new generations in and old viewers back to it for things like that, For moments where one character who seems like they're quote unquote less than another character saying like, you're not better than me, because we no one is better than anyone. You know, we're all human. We all I mean so cliche, but bleed the same, and we love the same, and we feel lost and we feel grief, and you know, it's just such a waste of time that we keep imprinting this idea of other on each other.

It makes me so sad.

And the idea of hierarchical thinking of relationships or your relation to anyone, I think is just the root of so much suffering. For the person who maybe thinks they're above someone, and for the person who that they think that they're above it's just you know, we're all, yeah, we're all human beings. This is not a revelatory thought, but it does seem like something that maybe people right now could be reminded.

Of, well, something that because you said, you know, we all bleed the same. So going back to the whole bleeding thing, and then bringing in the mic of it all, the conversation that Susan and Mike are having at that dinner while he is trying to clot himself hopefully in time, Susan feels There's a comment made early in the episode where Mike alludes to wanting children.

I care.

He just flat out says, I can't wait to be a dad or something.

He helps he helps pick up Lynette's kids to take them over, and and it's like, oh, I love kids.

I can't wait to have kids on my own.

Yes, I can't wait to have kids on my own.

And then Susan has her pratfall, which was great, and then she was it great.

I'm sorry, was it great? Because I just I saw that moment where Susan has another prep fall like a shocking like I have to have kids fall out of frame.

And did it feel like too much?

Well, I just thought I didn't okay so much. I don't remember. I don't remember anything, Like it is just crazy to me how little I remember. But I look at a moment like that, and I'm like, Okay, I don't think I just did that. Like I don't think I was as terry adding pratfalls all over the place's choreography. No, but I mean, I don't even think it was my idea.

Oh it would be funny if I fell here, Like, I don't think I did that unless they wrote it, you know. So so they wrote it, and whoever directed it decided to direct it in that way where I kind of like fell out a frame, which I thought was funny. No, I thought it was funny. I just I'm hearing the Reddit people, all the people on Reddit that are like Susan was the most annoying character. We hate Susan. She's so annoying, and I feel like these moments began to add up and made her annoying. I'm just gonna say I didn't write it.

You can never listen to the reddit pece.

I was going to say, we need a little sound effect like an at Terry's seen some of the reddit threads.

I've also seen some of the reddit threads.

I agree we shouldn't hang out there, but you know, I like the prat falls. I understand some of the behaviors, a little clowny, and maybe we'll get even more of that, and then maybe we'll I'll have stronger feelings about it, but I enjoyed it. But I do think that the conversation. So then Susan goes. She has this great scene with Julie.

I really liked the scene that was in this episode where our characters were discussing the idea of sharing with your partner, maybe an opposing view on whether or not you want children, And it made me think about how important those conversations are and how again it's an example of not necessarily knowing how to stand by your needs or your wants out of fear of being judged or left rejected or rejected by someone else, and so I wanted to share that as So.

I started dating.

My now husband when I was thirty, and I felt like I wanted to introduce the topic of having children pretty early on in our relationship, because you know, I was thirty, I knew what I wanted, and I knew it was going to be a thing that I also just felt like the relationship was definitely heading in the direction of being a very substantial relationship in my life, probably the substantial relationship of my life, and I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page.

So I introduced.

By the way, audience, Emerson and I are just beaming because we love Andrew so much and.

We're so happy because you're pregnant. So clearly a conversation looked well.

The conversation went well, no, But I remember being scared of broaching the topic, not knowing how to do it, you know, with the right amount of I don't know the finding the right words, or how early is too early. So I wanted to talk about that with you guys.

What did you do, what were the words? And when did you say that?

I think it sort of fortunately, kind of organically came up when talking about where the relationship was headed and all of that, And I think I just said, I I feel really strongly for you, and I see this relationship really going somewhere, and I would like to introduce the idea that I want to have kids some day and I want to know how you feel about that.

Is that something you also want?

Oh?

Could he not say? Yes, they're so cute?

No?

You know what's funny is in the hindsight, I think he was kind of trying to be a little wishy washy on it. Like I think he himself needed time to work out how he felt.

About being a dad. Yeah, not necessarily even with you totally.

Yeah, No, I think in general or being or just always battling the idea of like if I say yes, what does that mean if I say concretely yes, or like, you know, sometimes it's more comforting to buy yourself an out. And so but here we are, and we're, you know, obviously very excited to embark on parenthood together. But how do you guys feel how early on do you feel like it's important to bring that conversation up and is it age dependent?

Or is it just you know, I would say, in between sex and pizza on Valentine's.

Another order nicely done for me. I don't have to bring it up anymore because that ship sailed so so yay, I don't. Did you talk about it in your marriage or are getting married again? Going back to the generational differences, I think it was less talked about because it was just assumed. I think in my generation, no one was walking around considering the idea of not having children, like getting married but not having children. It just wasn't a thing like that feels like a thing that started to become something people talk about in the last ten to twenty years.

Well, I get that.

I mean, I think, especially being in the queer community, it's definitely less of an assumption, or at least not an assumption that like if you get married or you get together, then you know, biologically you're naturally gonna just get pregnant one day.

You know.

It takes a lot more planning on how you want to start a family.

And I think maybe partially.

Because of that, there is a I know a lot of couples who are sure the queer couples and honestly straight couples who are sure that they don't want to have kids. I also think the state of our world right now, the state of the climate crisis, like there are big existential dread factors that my generation faces that I think in a super real way, I would understand why they give pause to the idea of if people want to have children or not. I personally know I want to have kids. I've always wanted to have kids.

I'm feeling optimistic about planet. I have a recycled doubling down mill. I'm gonna double down.

But someone has to feel optimistic.

But I think, you know, I think if I was with someone even seriously for you know, six months, I feel like that would be something that I would I would at least make known that that was something that I wanted, because if that was something they definitely didn't want, then maybe what's the point of I will.

Say that one of the reasons, like people often ask me, like why am I not dating anymore? Or like why did you know? I mean, and it isn't that I'm not dating anymore. It's just I'm not I don't know where it is anyway, But I'm not like actively on apps or anything like that, but people would ask why I didn't want to date younger men, like this is not so much now, but like I guess when I was like fifty five or in my early fifties, people would say like, oh, you should go out with a forty year old, and I always resisted that. And my big point was that if I meet a forty year old who doesn't have children, man who even says he doesn't want to have children, I would bet money that when that man turns fifty, he's gonna suddenly want to

have a baby, and then I'm going to be sixty one and not able to do it, and then he's going to leave me. And so that was kind of one of the reasons I didn't believe in dating younger men who didn't have children, because even if they say they didn't want them, they could change their mind. And men can they can they? You know, they have that power to suddenly I mean, you know, I don't need to list the celebrities' names that have said they're never going to have children and then get into their late fifties and sixties and suddenly do.

Like I don't know if either of you watch Love is Blind, but on the season of Love is Blind. There is a man on there who has a son and then he has he had a vasectomy, and part of the Love Is Blind, right, they don't see each other, they don't meet until they decide that they're going to get.

Pin watch it.

I need to watch this new season.

Okay, So anyway, I know.

I'm a fan.

So part of the conversation is, uh, is you know, is he going to get his VASEECTM reversed? And he gets a lot of props for having the viseect me. I thought that was interesting, Like, good on you for being the one doing the birth control.

Well, I've always I agree with that. I always thought there should be a governmental thing. Like I'm not actually going to go hardcore on this. I think that when boys turn eighteen, they should have to have a vasectomy that is clearly reversible, like like totally free from the government, like you know, like but they consciously say I'm ready to have a child. Now the government gives them a free reversal vasectomy and then they can go have children.

And that way there wouldn't be any children. No, we wouldn't have to talk about abortion anymore because it would all be it wouldn't just be on the woman's fault.

And that's your ted talk for this.

Yeah, I was gonna say and line up, ladies, Terry's for president. Well this was just I mean, what a fun Valentine's Day we all have.

We got it because I made a thing and we got to talk about. Really my favorite moment in the whole episode. Okay, what so missus McCluskey, who we've all said, we love Katherine justin, we love how she's playing this character. We can't wait to see where she goes. But I loved the surprise in this scene. So she finally the kids finally go over to apologize because of course they have been stealing the things and they stole her precious clock.

They come over to give her the clock back, and she invites them in to talk to them about stealing the clock, and Lynette stays on the curb and lets the boys go in to get you know, chastised alone. And you think that missus McCluskey is going to be like, you are the worst children on the planet. I hate children like you. You're so awful, and instead she sits them down on the couch and the first thing she says is would you like some peanut brittle? And so they all take the peanut brittle, and she proceeds to tell them about her twelve year old son that had died, and she gives them a little bit of a lecture about how they shouldn't steal.

Why the clock made meant so much.

Which is why the clock meant so much to her, and that they shouldn't steal, and then she says to them in regarding her love for her now dead son, she says, and no one will ever love you like your mother. And then she opens the door, sends the kid back out, but then goes right back into her nasty relationship with Lynette, like your kids are awful, you know what I mean? Like she's not gonna let that facade be brought down for anybody else. But because of that I.

Made, she made homemade peanut bred And I'll show if anybody here in the studio with us likes peanut brittle I brought.

If anyone here in the studio is allergic to peanuts, Now get the time to get out.

I guess I should have asked that anyways. But yeah, so you will have that peanut brittle video up for you on my Instagram. But also I love that scene, and I love this episode, and I love you guys, and you know, be desperately devoted to yourself. Be desperately devoted to your own self care.

Yeah, and like always, we are desperately devoted to you.

Valentine’s Day Sucks, There We Said It (S1 E14 “Love is in the Air”)

Kapitelklicken springt direkt hin

Shownotes

Transkriptvom Podcast bereitgestellt · Zeitmarken springen hin