Do Women Need Men?! With Sarah Fontenot Shorter

0:00 What's up, guys? It's your girl, Sarah Shorter, host of the It's Giving podcast, a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. Black women are some of the most aggressive, angry, passionate people. And you talk to your man crazy and you talk to him out the side of your mouth. It's unhealed people or unaware people or low vibrational people. We are so spoiled and so selfish that That we think that everyone is supposed to operate exactly how we want them to operate? It's not until you get into a relationship with a man that you even get the mirror in your face to realize all the places that you're falling short. Brock knows how to help me feel safe. Now, in the past, he's not

0:38 doing that because a woman has never taught him to do that before. People in my comments are constantly telling me how, oh, all I do is care about men. I'm pandering to men. No, I'm calling you out on your BS and you don't like it because you prefer to be surrounded by women that are going to pacify your BS. I'm not doing it. It is not the truth that you are not safe around men. If they say this person is my everything, now they can mean everything to you, but they are my everything. Get a life.

1:04 You know what makes men happy? Peace, not being argumentative, not being confrontational, not disrespecting him, not emasculating him. You can't even check your tone, let alone buy him a gift. What's up, guys? And welcome to another episode of It's Giving. I am your host, Sarah Shorter. And if you have not yet, please hit that button below so you can get subscribed. Hit that bell so you get a notification with each new piece of content. Also, please hype this video up, okay? Because it pushes us out there into the algorithm and more people need to hear this message.

1:43 Because every week we are bringing you the real, the raw, the raggedy and the rants. OK, so I don't know what's in store for today. We don't find out what the team we got shot by Anissa on the mic. What's up, baby girl?

1:54 Hey, girl. Hey, how you feeling?

1:57 I feel great. I feel so good. We're going to talk about that. Yes, we are. And we've got our male perspective on the mic. It's show TV.

2:07 What's up?

2:07 What's going on? How you living, queen?

2:09 Oh, phenomenally blessed, happy, grateful, here and alive.

2:11 Love to hear it.

2:12 Love to hear it. Almost died the other day. Oh, that's not good. And we've got, who is Kitty V, Creative Director, Producer of the Year? What's up?

2:21 Who?

2:21 Yo, what's up, givers? You know exactly what time it is right now?

2:25 It's given.

2:26 And you know what? I'm very proud of the givers. I'm proud of the team. We're just cracking goals, hitting numbers.

2:32 Accolades.

2:33 We already know we're doing numbers, but we just hit another goal, Sarah.

2:35 We got what? 100,000 subscribers on YouTube.

2:40 What?

2:40 And what else, Sarah?

2:41 We're with iHeart and Black Cafe.

2:45 Hey, let them know.

2:47 What else, Sarah?

2:48 We got half a million on Facebook, half a million on Instagram.

2:52 Let's go.

2:53 We going up.

2:53 We going up, y'all.

2:55 We going up.

2:57 Givers just thank you so much god is good just keep subscribing like comment share all the great amazing things because it's given and you know what it's another given day so sarah let's go.

3:06 Let's go all right anisa kick us off what we.

3:08 Got sarah.

3:11 Me you had this conversation several times and i don't think we will ever agree on this okay because you swear up and down that women need men you I don't know why you're looking at me like that. You swear up and down that women need men.

3:26 We do.

3:27 And I disagree with you every time.

3:29 Women need.

3:29 I don't need no man.

3:31 I don't need... Okay, so good. You don't need one, you won't have one. And any woman that says that, any woman that says that also will not have one. This is the thing, and I think that we need to understand the nuance. First of all, if you don't need a man, you have an energy that says, I don't need a man. And the thing is, you can't see energy, but you can feel it. So any good man that comes around you that thinks that, you know, he automatically gets that vibe of, oh, she don't need me.

3:57 Why would he choose you? If you really want a good man, this is another thing. We need to understand the nuance in the sense of you may not need a man to pay your bills. You may not need a man to make you happy. You may not need a man to do those things, but you do need a man. For what? Because we cannot operate in our most natural feminine state without a man. How are we supposed to be protected? How are we supposed to be led?

4:21 It is not natural for us to do certain things. Now, for some women that are more on the masculine side, okay, I'm not talking about them, but for feminine women, Our job is to flow. Our job is not to be the most decisive, achievement-oriented, all of these grounded, rooted things.

4:37 Well, what if I've never been protected by a man, Sarah?

4:40 What if I didn't get the protection from my dad because he wasn't there?

4:44 What if.

4:45 You know, I've never been loved properly by anybody.

4:48 That's the problem. And that's why people and women have created a coping mechanism that says, I don't need a man because you've had nothing but disappointment from them in the past. And you can't take that disappointment and blanket over all the new men that could possibly love you, nourish you, nurture you. Um protect you provide for you keep you safe all of these different things It is because of hurt in the past that most people are operating now I was just having a conversation with two young women. Okay, they are 15 years old One of the women were like, oh we do need man men The other woman was like I don't need no man And all I said to her was i'm not going to tell you what you do need But is there

5:23 a chance you want to be married one day? She said yes. I said, okay Well, this is what happens. Your energy will compound over time. So if you make up your mind right now that you don't need a man right now at 15 years old, 16 years old, you won't have one when you're 26 years old, 36 years old, 46 years old. At least you won't have a good one because good men are not choosing. They have all the options. Masculine, high value men, they have all the options. Why would I choose a woman that doesn't need me? Why would I choose anyone that feels like they're doing me a favor to be with me?

5:57 So I have a two-part question to this.

6:02 So for women who have that energy, young girls included, what should they do to not have that energy?

6:10 Stop listening to their mothers. I can almost guarantee you that little girls that say, I don't need no man at 15 heard their mama say it. And their mama probably said it because they got left by a man because they've had nothing but disappointment from men. And so now they're teaching our young daughters, our young women, that they don't need no man also.

6:31 Not true.

6:32 I would say you need to find somebody that you actually look up to that has a situation that you want and you need to follow in their footsteps. Sometimes our parents teach us what to do, and sometimes we can learn what not to do. For little girls that are already saying, I don't need a man, where'd that come from? Where'd you get that from? I have never said, I don't need a man.

6:52 Why?

6:52 Because I see my parents. I see the protection that my dad provides for my mom. Also, here's another thing. You know what I need from a man? What? I need the logic that comes with a man. Women, we need a different vantage point. We are so spoiled and so selfish that we think that everyone is supposed to operate exactly how we want them to operate. It's not until you get into a relationship with a man that you even get the mirror in your face to realize all the places that you're falling short.

7:19 Hmm.

7:20 We are selfish. We as women are selfish. And by the way, yes, so are men. But it is in relationship. Relationships are like sandpaper. They rub you and it hurts and it's uncomfortable. But if it's right, you either come out smooth and polished or worn out and raggedy. You get to choose. So we as women need men. We need men for their protection. We need men so we can be in our feminine. We need men for their leadership.

7:46 And then women are going to say, well, men don't even lead these days. The men you choose don't lead.

7:51 It's just giving very damsel in distress. Like women, there are many single women in this world that have to protect themselves because they're just not in proximity. They live by themselves. They need whatever, whatever. So they get guns or they get dogs or whatever. Whatever the case may be, they learn how to box. Because, you know, I'm not saying all men and I'm not saying all women, but, you know, there are violent people in the world.

8:16 I'm a violent person in the right circumstance. You think for one second.

8:19 But you're not a violent person, though.

8:21 In the right circumstance, I am. But that's everybody. I'm just saying. But do you think for one second that if it's me versus somebody else, I'm not fighting for my life?

8:29 I get that. I'm not saying you, but I'm just saying, like, you.

8:33 I think that's a poor excuse for you to say there are women that live by themselves. I just lived by myself before I got married for years.

8:41 Yeah, but you had concierge, Sarah.

8:42 Couldn't nobody get up to you? That's a fact. I mean, that's true.

8:46 No.

8:47 That's definitely true. My point, my point. Nobody could get to you, Sarah. It's true.

8:54 That doesn't even count. You literally went nowhere. You literally could walk.

9:00 Down the street and get everything you need and literally walk back in your place. Nobody could get up unless they were on a list. I can't even let you say that.

9:08 That's crazy. I don't think that the problem, to me, what I'm hearing you say is the problem is not a man thing. The problem is an economic problem. The problem is if you can't afford to feel safe in your neighborhood, the problem is if you don't have the money to do the certain things that you want. So the problem is not men. The problem is that you're, we're, we're, we have a, we've got either a bad hand at life and we're taking it, or we got a bad hat at life and we're working on it. We got a bad hat at life and we overcame it. I don't come from money. I built it brick by brick, by brick, by brick, by brick, by brick, by brick.

9:40 And one day you look up and you have a wall, but you don't just have a wall from the beginning unless you have a silver spoon. So I say that to say that a lot of people that are complaining about, I don't have safety. What are you doing about that?

9:53 They bought guns.

9:54 And why is it, why is it that you feel so unsafe just being next to a man? Now, are there crazies out here yes there are but to sit here and pretend like all men all men are just these dangerous what would you rather be in the forest with a bear or a man if you choose a bear you're a.

10:10 Fool listen i'm not saying it's all men but it's always a man.

10:14 Yeah i'm not saying it's all women but it's always a girl man.

10:18 What that's definitely not true that's.

10:20 Alright okay I'm not saying there aren't crazies I'm just saying there are crazy females.

10:26 There's a reason why the saying even was created like I would pick the bear like there's a reason why that came.

10:31 To me what is that reason what is that reason.

10:35 Okay so I'm not saying that women aren't delusional I want to make that clear but what I'm saying is there has been such a lack of protection as a whole from men like women don't feel safe not.

10:47 True Not true. That is true. That is not true. Oh my God, Sarah. In certain areas, that is true. And that, and look, I wasn't even going to talk, I wasn't even going to touch on this. We're brainwashed.

10:58 What are you talking about?

10:58 We as women are so freaking brainwashed that that has become the normal statement. That's not normal. We as women are like, there's a video. Brock actually had sent it to me. He's like, yo, this is crazy. A man will go to a woman and say, what are men? And she's like, worthless. Then a man will go to a man and be like, what are women? And he's like, evidence of God. And then he'll go back to a woman and say, what are men? And she'll be like, ain't shit. And then he'll go to a woman and be like, what are men? Or he'll go to a man, a man will go to a man and say, what are women? And they'll be like, beautiful. It's like, Our psychology is so warped around the way that we view men.

11:37 It is a problem.

11:38 Yeah, it's the feminist movement. Y'all can think it is a problem.

11:41 I'm not thinking nothing. It is brainwashing. The fact that I am a person that is illogical and people in my comments are constantly telling me how, oh, all I do is care about men. I'm pandering to men. No, I'm calling you out on your BS and you don't like it because you prefer to be surrounded by women that are going to pacify your BS. I'm not doing it.

12:01 It is not the truth that you are not safe around men. But this is the thing. This is what we don't understand. Whatever we feel strongest about or most passionate about is what we attract. It's not what you think about. It's what you feel strongest about. So if I am consciously, subconsciously thinking about how I feel strongest about how all men are violent, men are never going to love us, men don't protect us, men don't have leadership, guess what has to happen? You subconsciously are going to seek the people, the places, the things, the opportunities and the experiences that validate that statement because you believe it so much. It's a part of your paradigm. So it's not that men are so dangerous and they're so terrible

12:39 and they're so awful. Men are incredible. And by the way, they're so underappreciated. When was the last time women started asking men, are you okay? Especially black men, especially black men. When was the last time that someone got to say, hey, you know what? I know things have been, like, I just want to check because the world is a little crazy right now. Are you doing okay? How's your heart feel?

13:03 Men don't even get to express to their boys, where do they have an outlet at? I'm so sick and tired of this rhetoric. I'm so sick and tired of it. And I am declaring war on disrespect in relationships. I am declaring war on disrespecting the man and especially the black man.

13:19 Declaring war is a blunt statement.

13:21 I am declaring war. I will call out whoever I need to call out. I'm going head to head. I am ready for the battle because obviously women that say these things, you've had a bad experience. And that's not to take your experience away from you. That's not to say that your experiences are not valid. It's to say, maybe you are the common denominator. Maybe you are the problem.

13:43 And maybe you need to go somewhere else to try to date different types of men. Or maybe you need to make better decisions so that you can get better types of men. When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, where am I the drama? When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, where am I the problem? Women don't do that.

14:01 Why?

14:01 Because we're brainwashed. Of course, we're not the problem. There's no way that me being this selfish is a problem. There's no way that me being entitled is the problem. There's no way that me expecting everything for and giving nothing is the problem.

14:16 I don't think women realize that that's selfishness.

14:20 No, they think it's a given. They think that's how the world's supposed to go.

14:23 I really think that women, and it's so crazy because I'm like watching and really listening now, right?

14:28 Mm-hmm.

14:29 Women feel like being a woman is enough. And it's so funny because this past Sunday, my pastor, shout out to Pastor Darius Daniels, he was talking about in the Bible biblically, right? There are some women that are good and it is everybody else. And I think that everybody else thinks that they're the good woman and they're not.

15:01 They're not. So I just, I so strongly feel like being a woman is not enough for you to get the treatment that you think you deserve. You give what you get. You get what you give. Does that make sense? It is the law of reciprocity and people fall short every single day and act like they don't. Now, this is the truth about humanity. We all fall short. Oh my God. We all, I fall short every single day.

15:27 That's humanity. I don't pretend like I don't. That's the difference. Too many people are out here pretending like they do no wrong. There are times now in my life I could be selfish. I could be standoffish. I could be, insert word here, I'm a human being. Of course I can be all those things. Now it's not the majority of the time, but those times do come up. So I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I'm a perfect person. I'm not. I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I have a perfect marriage. I don't.

16:01 But I have a really good one the majority of the time. And I don't think that we're being realistic. We're being delusional as women. And that is the problem.

16:15 Well, if I have a man, he's supposed to be my everything and men aren't doing that.

16:20 So now what?

16:22 I was just talking about this for a moment. You still have to provide tangible.

16:28 Who has to provide? The woman?

16:30 Exactly. Didn't even finish. But you have to.

16:35 Go ahead, y'all.

16:36 You have to provide like help one way or another. And energy is not help. I was just going to a little tidbit with a girl when we was on the lake. And I was talking to her friend on the way back. And I was like, it's not that y'all don't have rights and y'all can't speak up and It's like, but you're not even going to help me in this situation. Leave me alone. And I feel like they think like, I got to take care of everything.

17:01 I got to do this. I got to do, I don't have to do anything. I just sit here, we could all be stuck.

17:06 Well, I think this too, and I think this is the flaw of like the Disney princess fault, right? No one can be your everything. You are never going to get everything from one person. And it is delusional to think that you can.

17:21 Then what's a soulmate, Sarah? I don't know. What do you mean.

17:24 You don't know? I mean, I've heard of it, but I don't study that ideology.

17:28 You don't think Brock is your soulmate?

17:29 I don't know what a soulmate is. I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. think Brock is someone that I love with all of my heart. I think he's someone that I want to be a good wife to, and I think he's someone that he wants to be a good husband to. And I think that we are committed to figuring this battle called life out together and having fun and creating experiences and memories. I really don't think it's that unfathomable.

17:54 I think that, is Brock my everything? No. Is he my person?

18:00 Yes.

18:01 But my everything, I don't think anyone can be anyone's everything and how selfish to think that they're supposed to. Because if you're my everything, what do you have left for yourself? If you are only here to give me everything and I'm just here to receive everything, where does that leave you? Empty, worn out, raggedy, drained, overwhelmed, underappreciated. Like, I don't, I think that we have been sold a dream.

18:33 This is not realistic movement inside of relationships. My brain can't even wrap around that. Men and women are not supposed to be each other's everything. And I think anyone that says that is either delusional and they're lying to themselves inside of their relationship. If they say this person is my everything, now they can mean everything to you, but they are my everything, get a life.

18:58 Or maybe they are, and they just don't understand how detrimental that is to themselves.

19:03 That's a dangerous place to be. Yeah, it's a dangerous place to be. I'm complete.

19:08 Well, there's this video, Sarah, that I want you to check out. It's within the group chat.

19:16 Oh.

19:17 Goes to group chatty. All righty.

19:22 Check the chat.

19:23 Here we are. Oh, oh, oh.

19:27 So nobody wants to say this out loud, but I'm going to be the one to say it. And I don't care if you guys bash me or shame me. Black men are extremely hard to love. Case closed. Now, actually, if we want to reopen that case, we can actually get into some things like as a collective, black men are extremely hard to love. They will make you. perform to be chosen. Half of the time, they don't know what they want or what direction they're going in. A lot of them don't have any purpose. And these same men that don't have any purpose want you as a black woman to perform femininity. And even when you are feminine, they always find a way to raise the goalposts. Whether they have mommy issues due to their mother literally emotionally

20:13 neglecting them as a child, or they have daddy issues because they either didn't have a father or the father that they had didn't show them any form of healthy masculinity. Then in another aspect, you have black men who are consciously going around asking black women, what do they bring to the table? As if my uterus is not... the table that you come to, to feast here, to make dinner here, to fellowship here. Black men have lost the plot and the art of how to love properly in a healthy way, despite the environments that they've grown up in and the relational dynamics that they've been accustomed to.

20:57 And instead of being aware and taking that awareness and turn it into responsibility, they're actively pointing.

21:04 It back on us.

21:06 Like, you guys are so hard to love that even the bestest of best women and the greatest women and the most healed women, we don't want to deal with y'all because even the so-called healed men, y'all come with stipulations. I'm done.

21:27 My stomach hurts. That hurt my stomach to watch. So first I'll say this for this young lady, I'm sorry that obviously she's had a bad experience with black men. That's what I hear. You haven't met a single black man that you think is worth it. And also I'm really curious to know, because she said, even we, the most healed women out here don't choose y'all.

21:53 Well, hi.

21:55 I am a black woman. I am a healed black woman. And I absolutely do not believe that my black husband is hard to love. My husband is an amazing, incredible man. How about this? Instead of making it about black men, why don't we just say people are hard to love? I saw this video. People are hard to love. I didn't watch the whole thing through. I didn't even know that she said I bring my uterus to the table.

22:17 That's what you bring to the table. This is the problem. Women think that just being a woman is enough. It's not enough.

22:23 Sarah, we put our bodies at risk for men at all times. I mean, not at all times, but a lot.

22:29 A man sacrifices his body every day for his woman, period. And the job force in the real world mentally is not even... Like, I mean, it's not women. Are you serious?

22:43 Let me let me let me say this. Women. This woman, because she's over here talking about how. Black men are hard to love. People are hard to love. And if you yourself are so healed, then you would understand how to pull the heel out of another person. But I personally find that in my experience from observation or hearing stories or whatever it may be, my observation is that a lot of women, like I've said before, they pull the dog out of a man and then get mad when he bites. That's what I think. I think that if you're going to sit here and act like it's only black men and they're the problem. No, it's your tone.

23:26 It's your constant emasculation. It's your constant disrespect. And then he's the bad guy. Now, this is not all men. I'm not saying all men are perfect. But what I am saying is that we as women are not. And we as women need to learn how to better regulate our emotions. And we don't even understand because oftentimes black men that date black women have been emasculated, disrespected, and disregarded so much before. so much before that by the time they get to you, they're tired and you're tired.

23:55 You're tired of doing the emasculating, wishing he would put you in his place, and he's tired of not having a feminine woman. So y'all are both moving the goalposts on each other. But what if you knew how to pull the king out of a man instead of a dog out of a man? I personally think that my husband, I told you guys this before. This is probably like almost a year ago when I had a day and I was upset. I was upset. I was just being a girl. It was for no particular reason other than I was being a girl and I was in my feelings.

24:23 And when Brock and I got home, I went in the bathroom and I washed my face and we took showers, whatever. And then I was walking out of the bathroom and he was like, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm fine. And Brock is not a person that says, are you okay? He doesn't want to talk about feelings in the past. He doesn't want to check because he doesn't, he didn't want to do that. And then he said again, are you okay? I was like, no. And then we talked about it, right? And he walked me through it.

24:51 Because Brock knows how to help me feel safe. Now in the past, he's not doing that because a woman has never taught him to do that before. We teach people how to treat us. We teach people how to love us. If that man is not loving you correctly, but he's not abusing you, he's not disrespecting you, he's not abandoning you, he's not doing all those super negative toxic things, then you're the problem. Because you don't know how to effectively teach somebody how to love you. And then they'll be like, I don't want to teach no man. Okay, so you want that man to treat you the same way he treated everyone before?

25:25 They don't want to teach nobody and they don't know how to be a wife.

25:27 How does a woman teach a man anything?

25:28 What are you saying? What are you saying? What do you mean? Go.

25:34 How does a woman teach a man how to love her? Let's role play.

25:39 Effectively where he actually listens. Okay, let's do this one of two ways. Show you're a man, I'm going to use you. Let's say we're married, all right? We're married and you upset me because I feel like you took someone else's side, okay? While we were in public. This is a big no-no for me in real life. If that ever happened, I would be very upset, okay? There's two ways to do this. One way, while we're out.

26:08 We're at the restaurant. You just took that person's side. I feel humiliated, okay? Role playing. Why would you take their side? We're in public, by the way. Why would you take their side?

26:19 You're not right.

26:20 It's not about being right. How are you going to sit here and literally take their side?

26:23 You're just not right.

26:25 Can you actually use different words? Because I feel like as a man and a grown man, you need to have better languaging when you talk to me. Can you please respect me and actually give me what I'm asking for? Because you're going to sit here in front of all these people and just disrespect me like that?

26:37 I mean, well, this isn't helping.

26:39 You're not helping. Here we go again. So you don't have any words. So you don't have a vocabulary. You don't know how to talk. Oh, you're not a man?

26:48 You got it look you got it that's exactly where I was about to go with it you got it.

26:52 So in this moment do we agree that we've seen women do exactly that 100% emasculation emasculation emasculation disrespect option two so now what does he know What do men do when they get upset? They shut down. I have taught this man that when I am getting in my feelings, I'm going to shut him down. So after, you know, a year of doing that, you break up with this person, you go to the next person, same thing happens. You do it for a year, you go to the next person.

27:15 After a while, by the time you get to someone's healed, we're going to have this conversation. So we just, you just took someone's side in public. Now we're going to wait till we get home.

27:24 Okay.

27:25 Now we're home. Baby, can I share something with you?

27:28 Yeah, sure. What's up?

27:29 Is it a good time? Because I just wanted to get something off my chest, but I also don't want to bother you.

27:34 Yeah, no, we're good. I just got off that call.

27:35 Okay. So tonight when we went to that event, I just felt like it was me versus you. Well, it was really me versus all of you. And that doesn't feel good because I don't feel like we should ever be on opposite teams. I think that I always want to feel safe. and protected. And tonight I felt disregarded and I felt really insignificant. And that sucks. It sucks really bad. And I don't want that to happen again.

28:08 I hear you. I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. I would say more.

28:14 He's just saying that because it sounds right.

28:16 Oh, boo. No. Dealing with it at home, that's how you deal with your homies. That's how you're supposed to deal with your partner. Adding to the scene is not helpful. Let's get to the crib. Let's deal with the situation. And I'm the kind of person I'm going to have my people's back right, wrong or indifferent. But when we get to the house, I'm going. Right.

28:40 So this is the thing. The truth is in that moment, what he just said, I'm sorry you feel that way. Come back to me. When he said, I'm sorry you feel that way. Me right now, I would be frustrated by that statement. But also. If this is what he's used to doing and he's new to me, it's not time for me to ream in and say, what do you mean you're sorry that I feel that way? I understand that in the past, he's probably never been with a person that has challenged him in the way that he reassures me. If you've never been with a man that has been taught how to reassure correctly, he probably doesn't.

29:20 Because we as women know how to reassure correctly. Most times, men do not. Do we agree with that?

29:26 Definitely.

29:27 So if you don't know how to reassure, my job is not to say, oh, well, now, because then what do women do? They'll say, I've been more emotionally regulated. If you were to say, sorry, you feel that way. Oh, my God, because it's, I feel that way. No, you made me feel that way. You're the one that, and then emasculation, emasculation, emasculation, disrespect, disrespect, disrespect.

29:45 So how about we just get rid of the apology? I'm sorry that you feel that way.

29:50 But that's not, that's not the... That's not the point. The point is, sorry is nice. Taking accountability is nice. What I would love, and men, this is for you. Pardon me. Men, this is for you. I feel like if you really want to see a change in your girl, if she is expressing something to you, even if you feel a different way, it's not necessarily about saying what she wants you to hear, but what is important is for you to hear what she's saying in that moment.

30:22 If she comes to you and says, I didn't feel significant, I didn't feel valued, there's nothing wrong with saying, I'm sorry that I made you feel disrespected. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't valuable. You're the most valuable thing for me. but can I share why I did it that way? And she'll tell you yes, or she'll tell you no, or I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. This is why I felt it this way, but I never want to make you feel that way. And it's the same thing. It's a sandwich effect, right? Where it is the, I love you, the checking, and then I love you again. It hurts no one to create real reassurance. And sometimes like For me, I don't want to hear, I'm sorry I made you

31:00 feel that way. I don't want to hear, I understand. I don't want to hear short answers. I want you to get to the point of reassuring me in the statement I just made. But that I also know is next level reassurance. That's next level woman, honestly. So if you're teaching a man to speak woman, then you've got to be patient in their lesson of getting there. Does that make sense? What's up, guys? Sarah Fontenot here. I just had to pause this episode really quick to let you know, if you have not yet, click the link below for our ebook, okay? How to Become a More Feminine Woman. People ask me these things. These are actionable 10 quick steps, intro to femininity, with a video that goes over some things in even more detail. So that's

31:46 for you. Make sure to click that link below and get your ebook on how to increase your femininity. 10 really simple steps. Love you guys. And let's get back to it.

31:57 I just think, so obviously it's just a little awkward because it's you and we have like a, not that relationship, but in those scenarios in my life is easier when you're like, you're saying it's a safe zone for men, but women are not creating safe spaces for men.

32:12 I agree with you.

32:13 So there is no way I'm taking, I don't even want to give her a leg up at all. Right. So it was like, this is, especially in the foundation of something, like you're trying to set your standard, your boundaries, your everything. So it always ends up falling apart at that point.

32:28 Right.

32:28 So I feel like, and see, that's two things too. I do, and I actually, I just need really quick, men, I need y'all to sound off in the comments if you have a good woman, okay? Because I feel like we do talk a lot about the negative woman in society and the modern day entitled woman, but there are good women out here. There are so many good women out here and I don't want to scare people away from connection and love and ultimately marriage and nuclear family because you feel like there's no one out here that really, that's for real, for real. No, they're out here and there's a lot of them, but you also can't bring your same wounds to that woman or you both have to be willing to grow together. Going back to this video,

33:09 having a uterus is not enough. OK, being feminine is an action. OK, being feminine is not just, oh, I look pretty. It's in the way that you speak to a man. It's in the way that you uplift a man. It's in a way that you encourage a man. And by the way, no woman is going to get it right 100 percent of the time. But the majority of the time we remember, we remember the negative things way more than the positive things.

33:33 Mm hmm.

33:34 And we as women, especially black women, if we were just going to blanket people, black women are some of the most aggressive, angry, passionate people. And you talk to your man crazy and you talk to him out the side of your mouth. And you know what? I'm not even going to put, I can't even rightfully put black women on it. It's not. It's unhealed people or unaware people or low vibrational people.

34:02 I believe that a lot of people.

34:06 Use dating as a coping mechanism than a tool for what it's supposed to be. Like besides going to therapy, they just go get under, you know, that's the train. Like, Oh, get over, get over one dude. You just get under the next or the same thing with men.

34:21 Oh, get over one girl. You get on the next or whatever.

34:24 Like, I just feel like people use, they use relationships way too much to like, Like time heals all wounds type things.

34:32 Time does not heal all wounds. Intentional healing heals wounds. Time sometimes makes wounds worse.

34:37 I see that.

34:38 And that's why I believe that men don't even want to date anymore because they don't go to therapy. They don't have like a good support system. Like they're surrounded by men who will keep them around. Women now make them step or whatever. Like they just don't have a lot of Like, it's like what's in it for them type.

34:57 You know what I mean? For men.

34:59 Like, what's in it for them to date women seriously nowadays? I feel like men just don't want.

35:03 To date for real.

35:04 Okay, so let's go to dating. Who do you think dating is for? Wait, what? Who do you think dating, getting to know someone, going out, having the dates, dating, getting to know someone, you're not in a relationship, the talking phase, the show calls it. Who do you think that's for?

35:21 Who it's supposed to be or who it's for?

35:23 Who is it for?

35:26 Both of them?

35:26 Definitely not.

35:27 No, it's for women.

35:29 Wait, why do you say that?

35:30 Dating is for women. And we know it's for women because if it was just for a man, you know what a man would do? Talk on the phone. Or a man would bring her over to the house and watch Netflix. Or he wouldn't spend no money on an actual date.

35:43 The whole dating industry.

35:45 Dating is for women. It is to make women happy. It is to create experiences for women. Even date night. Have we ever noticed how women will say, oh, he never plans dates for me. It's not in his nature. It's not in his nature, but he's doing it to try to make you happy. And then the craziest part is, when was the last time that woman checked in for his happiness? You know what makes men happy? Peace, not being argumentative, not being confrontational, not disrespecting him, not emasculating him.

36:16 You can't even check your tone, let alone buy him a gift. When's the last time you did something nice for your man?

36:23 These women think it's all about them.

36:25 We're selfish.

36:26 They're crazy.

36:27 We're literally selfish. Literally, when you really think about it, who do you think dating is for?

36:33 And the crazy part is we already treat y'all like y'all are the prize. And then you're like, no, I'm the prize-er.

36:41 What?

36:41 I'm bigger than the prize.

36:42 I mean, it's true.

36:44 We got roads on the street for women. I swear. Some woman was complaining. We got the cars. She's like, I don't like the dirt roads. Let's pave it. This is all for women.

36:54 It's literally, when you start looking at the breakdown of the industry, wedding rings, why does this matter? Wedding dresses, why does this matter? Weddings, period. Why does this matter? Back in the day, we used to jump the broom. Date nights, oh my God, he brought me on a helicopter and flew me around the city. It's for women's ego.

37:15 But if you're actually dating with intention, why does any of that matter? Why can't you be with the person you enjoy being bored with? Why can't you sit down and watch the movie at the house? Why can't you have a FaceTime date where you're both eating lunch at the same time? Why can't you go to Starbucks and he's at his Starbucks and you guys can have tea while you're on a Zoom call together?

37:34 Why can't we do all of the things?

37:36 I'm not saying you can't, but I am saying, when was the last time? Because we know dating is for women and women's ego. How much can I go brag to my friends about the date that this man brought me? Why can't women at least check in on a man's happiness? You okay? How's your heart feel? I know it's getting kind of crazy out here. Inflation is up. I see you.

37:59 I see what you're doing. I see what you're building. I'm really proud of you. Wow. How'd you do that? Teach me. Why can't we get back to that?

38:10 It's a touch wood. It needs to say, why can't we do all the things? We could do all the things if I wasn't the one doing all the things.

38:17 Right. But my thing, well, I don't have a problem taking a man out on a date. I actually enjoy the process of taking a man out, paying for everything. You don't even tip the waitress. I enjoy getting personalized gifts.

38:31 I've done this before.

38:32 All right. I'm complete.

38:34 Just saying. Take your mans out on dates, ladies. Do you take your man out on dates?

38:40 All the time.

38:41 Who was the last date you took Brock on?

38:43 All the time. Oh my gosh. Our most fun dates. We plan dates together first and we travel a lot. So we take out travel. The funnest dates we have, I think from my personal opinion that are like out there are my dates and I pay for absolutely everything. Him, his dates are, we go courtside to a basketball game and it's always the same date. It's like, okay, this is great. I don't even know who's playing. I don't care about none of these players. But hey, let's do it.

39:09 So let's talk about that, right?

39:10 Yep.

39:11 When you plan on dates, y'all have fun. Yeah. When Brock plans dates, you're just like, I'm just happy.

39:16 To be here.

39:17 I'm just happy to be with him.

39:18 But I'm sure your dates are your fun.

39:20 Yeah, for sure they're my fun. They're not his fun at all.

39:23 Correct.

39:24 Like we went to a, it's called the day shift party. It was from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. where they played old school 2000s, 90s music. And we danced, I danced. He laughed while I was dancing or I danced on him all night. You can have drinks and be in the bed by the time it's 11. That was so fun to me. Going to bingo local was so fun.

39:46 It's like a rave while we play bingo and you can win prizes and there's dance competitions. That's fun to me, right? Going to candlelight concert and listening to the music and I'm crying. Oh my God, we get to get dressed up. That's fun to me. He likes basketball. That's fun to him.

40:00 So- Basically, you're saying that be with somebody that you're willing to sacrifice your personal desires for.

40:07 Like, you would never go to a basketball game on a regular basis.

40:10 Everything's so life or death.

40:11 Yeah, it's not personal desires. I feel like go be with the person you can enjoy regardless of what you're doing.

40:18 That's what I mean.

40:18 Because I'm... I am so content at the house. I am so content in the theater room. I am so content in the bed. I am so content literally just rolling over, laying on his chest. And sometimes he'd be like, okay, get up off of me. You know what I mean? And I love that for both of us because I love that he's exactly where he wants to be. And he pretends and I get up on him and he'd be like, oh, but he loves it. And I love it so much. You've got to be with the person That you can be all of yourself with. That you can just be you with and have fun regardless of what you do.

40:51 I'm complete. So, next question.

40:58 Why do you feel like I must shrink myself for a man?

41:04 Oh, my God.

41:05 Because I don't understand. I don't understand.

41:07 It's like women that say, oh, he's intimidated by me. He's not. Men are not intimidated by women at all.

41:14 That's not true.

41:15 Men are not intimidated by women at all. They just think you're too much to deal with. And you probably are. I think that women have this thing. Because there's so much ego around a lot of women that they need to prove things. But the problem is you shouldn't be wanting to prove things to a man. You're not shrinking yourself.

41:32 You're being strategic. Because a lot of women will say, as soon as he finds out how much money I make, he just, you know, it's just like he doesn't really want me anymore. Why did you share with him how much money you make? Why does that matter? Why is that the thing that you landed on?

41:45 That's like, hey, what do you do for work? Oh, I'm an engineer. Oh, I am a stock person.

41:52 No, you know what women do? Let's say you're in real estate, right? Let's say you're in real estate and he's in real estate and you're just in real estate and I'm an investor. And him to say, oh yeah, I've sold nine houses so far. And it's like, oh my God, I have nine investment properties. Why'd you say that? Emasculation, emasculation, emasculation.

42:14 How is that.

42:15 Why does it matter? Why can't you just be interested? Stop sharing the things they don't care about. Why are we even talking about work? You should have a good idea about what this man does. He asked... Look, I'm not saying avoid the question. I'm just saying... The things that you're most proud of, ladies, ladies, shifted away from your accolades, shifted away from your achievements, shifted away from how much money you make. That is not what makes you interesting to a man, a masculine man that would want to be with you. What makes you interesting to a man is are you nurturing? Are you kind? Can you pay attention? Will you stop talking and let the man say something? Can he get a word in? Like

42:54 women don't understand how to date and they definitely are not learning how to be wives.

42:58 Not at all.

43:00 You are not shrinking yourself. You're being intentional. If I want to be a surgeon, do you think I'm going to go to school to be a teacher? And then I could say, but I have to shrink myself. I have to shrink myself in order to go to school because there's so much of me that I'm not talking about in surgery school.

43:20 What?

43:22 You're moving in alignment with what you say you want. You're not shrinking yourself. That's like at work. Nobody complains about work. Let's talk about this. Nobody complains about work. Nobody complains about all of the things that they have to do for their boss and how they're exhausted and how they don't feel like it or how they feel overwhelmed and how they're shrinking themselves and they're submitted to some other man. But then you come home. And you can't submit to your man for nothing.

43:50 We talk about this.

43:51 You can't submit to your man for nothing. You can't deal with your overwhelm anymore. You can't deal with your frustration anymore. You can't emotionally regulate anymore. But this man over here at work, I'd be telling you what to do. That runs you into the ground. You're exhausted. You feel underappreciated.

44:08 You got a man at home and he accidentally forgot to take the trash out. It's World War Three.

44:13 Yeah, because what problems are we solving?

44:15 This man's my boss. He pays my bills. Whereas the man that I live with doesn't solve any of my issues.

44:20 Right.

44:21 That's not true.

44:23 Okay.

44:23 By default, that's not true. And also, if this is a man you live with, this should be your husband, which means that he should be the leader of your household. So why can't you follow your man's lead, but you could follow your boss's lead? And by the way, that little money is not enough, to be honest.

44:39 Well, that's easy coming from you, Sarah.

44:41 What does that mean?

44:43 Sarah.

44:46 I don't know what that means.

44:47 Sarah, that's easy coming from you because you've reached a level of economic wealth that most people will never see in their lifetime.

44:54 Okay. So let's reverse.

44:55 Let's rewind.

44:56 And then you married a rich man.

44:58 Also true. Also true. So yeah, this is all true. I'm not going to take that away. But what I am saying is, if you can be on your best behavior at work, Why can't you be on your best behavior at home?

45:14 Best behavior with quotations is crazy.

45:15 So Nikki Giovanni has a quote and she says, lie to me too. She's speaking on that.

45:19 Oh, I know exactly what you're talking about.

45:21 Wait, say that one more time.

45:21 No, don't lie to me too, but be on your best behavior.

45:25 What do you mean by that?

45:25 She's talking about where she's like, if you can go and smile in front of this person and you can go be nice to this person, you can go engage in this conversation with this person. When you come home, I want you to do that for me too. Lie to me too. Tell me you're fine when you're not fine. Now, I don't agree with that. But I do think there is an extent of if you've been out doing whatever you're doing all day, when you come home, this is the one person I'm spending the rest of my life with.

45:48 This is the one person that I get to create memories with. But you want to treat everyone outside better than you treat me? That doesn't make any sense. And I feel like a lot of us as women are like, I make all the money. I don't want to shrink myself. Be single. If you don't want to shrink yourself, if you feel like that shrinking yourself, be single. But what if you shifted your perspective to I'm being strategic and intentional.

46:13 You don't want to go to work, but you do. You don't, you don't want to, you don't, you don't want to wake up early and get into driving traffic, but you do. You don't want to mind your tone with your man, but you should. You don't want to go off and create a huge problem and have your cortisol levels high and your nervous system is shot, but you choose to. Why can you submit over here and you chose this man to lead over here and you can't submit to him? This doesn't make any sense to me.

46:47 Women definitely ain't trying to submit no more. The thought of it. Oh my God. As a man giving direction, opinions.

46:54 Oh my God.

46:55 You're better off just showing up. Like, Women don't want to hear anything nowadays. They got it all figured out.

47:01 Women are the leaders they say they want.

47:03 The issue, the issue is, is that women don't find a lot of these men worth submitting to.

47:07 That's not, no. You know what the problem is?

47:09 They're not creating space for those men.

47:10 So let me say this, and this is going, because Kenny's giving me the wrap up. He's giving me the rapper-ooey. You're so corny, bro. What, I'm so Canadian? That's a really... What did you just say? I lost my train of thought.

47:24 No, I was saying that a lot of times women don't submit to these men is because they haven't found a man worth submitting to.

47:31 Ah, perfect. So this is the thing about that, okay? We all know women mature faster. It's scientifically proven. Women mature faster than men do.

47:41 This is true.

47:41 This is scientifically proven. This is not a secret. We all know that this is the truth. The thing about that is oftentimes, and it's for survival, right? We're more detail-oriented because we need to know something's not going to jump out of the trees and kill us and we die. It is nature. This is survival. This goes back to the hunter and gatherer stage period of our lives, okay?

48:01 So if that is happening, we don't want to allow or create a safe space enough where a man can then foster his leadership. Now, the truth is there's levels. I don't want anyone from scratch. Once you get to a certain point, you don't know how to say yes or no. You're a people pleaser. There are some things that you should already just be past when you're coming into dating. I always say you should know God. and yourself.

48:30 You should know your purpose and you should feel good in your own bank account. I think those are the three things that you need in order to feel good about dating as a man.

48:37 Okay.

48:38 Now, as a woman, our problem is let's say that that man feels good in his bank account and he's making $ 70, 000 a year.

48:45 Okay.

48:47 If he's making $ 70, 000 a year and all women seems like the majority of women are like, that's not enough money. And I've been brainwashed to think that too, right? I have because of my surroundings and I got lucky because of with who I'm around, because everyone around me is affluent and oftentimes your proximity is power. God bless me, right?

49:06 But the truth is most women that are not around an affluent circle feel like they deserve the multimillionaire man. So if you're coming back here and you're like $ 70, 000 is not enough, how are you going to allow that man to blossom in bloom into what it is that both of you would like? Instead, she deads him off because there's a difference between potential in action and potential in theory. In theory, you could make more money. But if you're working towards it, then what is the actual problem?

49:38 Women don't foster those safe spaces. It goes back to emasculation. Oh, you're only making 70K a year. I can't talk to you. I can't take you serious. I can't do that.

49:51 Hypergamy is a thing.

49:52 But you're making six figures. The tires on the Benz is balding. Ben needed an oil change. The back porch is falling apart. But she don't need a man.

50:01 Hypergamy is a thing, man.

50:04 Hypergamy is a thing, but be in the same stratosphere.

50:06 Listen.

50:07 A lot of these women want men they're not qualified for. That's just the reality of the situation.

50:12 Of course you're going to agree, show.

50:14 Of course you are.

50:15 It's right. Sarah, no, I'm outside. These girls is goofy.

50:19 Not all of them.

50:19 Well, I've never been a man of day in my life, so I wouldn't know.

50:22 Hilarious. So I say all this to say that we as women need to do a better job of allowing that man, because this is the thing too. Y'all, women don't even understand when they rally behind their man. And this is intentional, right? If you want your man to grow, a man only feels good in his leadership when he has something to lead. So when you follow and you big up his leadership, he trusts his own leadership even more.

50:53 But if you can't be the woman to get behind him, to follow his lead, what is he leading? Emasculation, emasculation, emasculation, disrespect, disrespect, disrespect. If you can't follow him, don't choose him from the jump because somebody out here is definitely willing and able and would like to be with this type of man.

51:15 Does that make sense?

51:15 Yeah.

51:16 Okay. So look, pause. I know you're enjoying this episode. I'll be super quick.

51:20 Okay.

51:20 When you are on the go and you want to look cute, baby, we got merch now. Okay. So if your hair is a little tussled, tussled, turned, the edge control ain't edge controlling, go ahead and get you a cute little It's Giving hat. Or if you're thirsty, feeling parched, and you want your drink to stay cold all day, There was nothing in this cup, but you know what?

51:45 It will keep my beverages cold. So this is for you guys. We got hoodies. We got all the things. Make sure to check out the store below and get what you love. Let me tell you, it is quality over here, baby. Let's get it. Back to the show. Kenny, we good? Guys, if you've made it this far, please hit that button below and get subscribed. Hit that little bell so you get a notification with each new piece of content. Today, we had shot by Anissa on the mic.

52:12 What's up?

52:12 Hey, girl. Hey.

52:13 We had itshow.tv. What's up? Yep. And we had creative director, producer of the year. Who is Kenny V? What's up?

52:20 Who?

52:20 Givers, you know what time it is. Make sure to like, comment, subscribe, share. You see what you already been doing. We cracking them numbers. So let's keep going for a million.

52:27 Let's go.

52:28 And if no one has told you today, you are freaking phenomenal. Bomb.com. Nothing can stop you but you. But you got to do something about it. I love you guys.

52:35 Bye. Bye.

52:37 Bye.

52:37 Bye.

52:40 What's up, guys? It's your girl, Sarah Fontenot, host of the It's Giving podcast, and I have some goodies for you today. Now, you already know about our How to Be More Feminine, a high-value feminine woman e-book. Well, we're taking it up a couple notches. We've got our e-book that's an ultimate self-love guide, and now we have our Boundaries Bible. This is the perfect trio on how to step into and be your best self, and also for the men, It's good for you too, okay? Sometimes our self-esteem, our low self-esteem, our low self-worth is blocking us from our blessing. And your blessing could be your future spouse, okay?

53:15 So make sure to check out MsSarafantno.com if this sounds interesting to you. Love you guys. Sending love and light. It's Giving Podcast is a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network.