Monday Moments - From Ep: Women Want A SPONSOR!?! Dating for EGO! With Sarah Fontenot-Shorter

0:00 It's your girl, Sarah Shorter, host of the It's Giving podcast. And welcome to Monday Moments. In case you've missed a juicy throwback episode, tune into this small clip right now. And you never really know what you'll get other than the real, the raw, the raggedy, and the rants. Make sure to click the link in the description below to hear the rest of the episode. Now let's get into it.

0:25 This is the thing in dating. Are you trying to get your bills paid? Are you trying to have partnership in life?

0:31 I mean, I get what you're saying.

0:32 I'm not saying go into a relationship just looking for 100% provision.

0:35 But that's the problem.

0:36 Women are going into relationships looking for sponsors. They're not going into relationships for partnership in life.

0:42 They're not going into.

0:43 Relationships thinking about how can I add to you? And that's why I'm saying. It's so easy to be seen and known and felt as a good woman in this world where all of these women are entitled.

0:54 All I'm saying is if a woman moves in with the man, the most that may increase is a grocery bill.

1:01 You know, it's.

1:05 Not even, it's not even about bills increasing. It's about desire. If that man wants a desire, but he's not able to yet stop wronging that man.

1:14 And also this.

1:15 Is another thing for my ladies, ladies. If you chose a bus driver, if you chose an electrician, if you chose a teacher, stop letting these people on Instagram that are faking their happiness, making it look like they're also rich, not knowing the credit debt that they have, not knowing the struggles that they have, not knowing the way that they hate their spouse when you have a man at home that loves you down.

1:34 I get it.

1:36 The nice things, they're lovely to have, but they shouldn't define who you are. And I think that's the problem. We as people get onto social media and we start seeing, oh my God, I wish I could this. Oh my God, look at they're doing that. Stop comparing yourself. Comparison is truly the thief of all joy or it's a beautiful motivator.

1:54 And if you're looking at something and measuring yourself in a lack, stop following them. Stop looking at things that don't make you feel good. Stop watching the things that make your heart feel like you're not enough or your partner's not enough. Because I promise you, a good man is hard to find. There is nothing out here in these streets. If you have a good man that loves you down, he's faithful, he goes to work, he's paying the mortgage, he's loving on you. And yes, okay, maybe he's not the most emotionally thoughtful person. Maybe he's not the most emotionally intelligent person, but he loves you down.

2:25 That will be 10 or 20% of the things that you don't like about your person. And there is nothing wrong with that. Are you dating for partnership in life or are you dating for your ego? And that's the problem. Too many women are dating for their ego. That woman got a Rolex for Valentine's day and he didn't even get me flowers, but did he make you dinner? Did he say happy Valentine's day? Has he been paying this rent?

2:48 Has he been trying to surprise you?

2:50 So let me, let me, I want to paint a little picture here. Okay. So you, This is years ago. You're just dating. At what point does homie have to start spending money? At what point does the coffee date walks in the park? Because that's how you say you should go about it at first, right? So at what point is that over?

3:08 I don't know. And it depends on your person. I'm a homebody to be honest. Like I, I like to travel. I do like that. And a lot of our travels I will pay for, or he will pay for, or I'll get the flights and he gets the hotel or he like it. We don't, it's not, it's not a, it's not a, it's not a, you have to do everything.

3:30 And honestly, I be feeling like I live in a beautiful home. You know, I, I don't really pay any bills at all. It's my honor to be able to spoil my man the way that I do. Like, I feel like he kind of has that coming. I don't just expect him to pay for things. And sometimes he'll be like, no, no, no. Like, I got it. We actually have a trip coming up. And I sent him the flights. And he's like, okay, okay, I'm doing something.

3:56 I'll get it later. I was like, I did it. Like, I already did it. And then I came downstairs.

4:01 I ran.

4:01 And this is the thing for me. I want to be able to be a little kid. I'll be running around like I have a cape on in the back. And I run down the stairs.

4:08 I saw you Naruto run on your birthday. Yeah.

4:10 I saw your Naruto run the other day.

4:12 I was like, how does she even know about the Naruto run? I don't even know what a Naruto run is.

4:16 That's that goofy run you do.

4:18 Oh, yes.

4:19 I do that.

4:19 I do that to him all the time. So I run downstairs and I jump on him in the office and I'm like, I did it. I was like, is that okay? He was just smiling like, yeah, it's okay.

4:29 It's okay.

4:29 But I love being able to also do things for him. So it's not, it's, I don't, I don't know. I, I think that you've got to figure out what works in your dynamic. Everybody isn't a homebody. Some people need to travel. Some people are foodies. I'm also not a foodie.

4:47 I am. At all.

4:49 You'll never go around taking me to go get dinner. I think that when you value your person, you also don't want them to do everything. I just don't think that.

4:59 What I'm saying, this is what I mean by it.

5:01 I'm not saying that Adding somebody to your life doesn't increase anything. But what I'm saying is I hear on the other side of the spectrum, men getting into these relationships with women that are extremely ungrateful, that expects you to finance their life.

5:17 And I don't believe that's right. Like anything, 70-30 is cool.

5:22 But the concept of 50-50 to me doesn't make sense. Because if I were to move in with a man, his rent does not change. His utilities may increase a bit.

5:30 That's such a woman thing to say. Everything goes up. Y'all are expensive.

5:34 His car note doesn't change. The big bills do not change. The small bills is what change.

5:38 The light bill.

5:39 The grocery bill.

5:40 It's just like a woman not adding up what she cost. What do you mean?

5:43 If you have a woman that's adding an extra $ 15, 000 to $ 2, 000 plus a month, you need to find another woman.

5:48 That's crazy. I know. That's crazy.

5:51 I know.

5:52 I know. I know. I am expensive.

5:56 Yeah, I don't know.

5:57 I'm not never going to pretend like I'm not.

5:58 That's like saying a kid don't cost no money.

6:00 I'm also not expecting a man to get my hair and my nails done.

6:03 I'm not expecting a man to do that. So it's like a woman.

6:05 That goes into a man's life. I know I'm expensive. I just, I know it. But I'm just saying, like, for the most part, if I'm moving in with a man, that would never happen.

6:12 You're doing it backwards. You're saying the bills don't change, but you're only listing two to three bills that don't change.

6:16 What are you talking about?

6:17 Every other bill changes.

6:18 I'm talking about the bills that matter.

6:20 The bills like the utilities.

6:20 The water bill, the gas bill.

6:21 And the rent. Every single bill changes.

6:23 They do go up.

6:24 You know, And they do go up. And this is the thing, too. If you move in, and this is what I'm saying. First of all, stop moving in with these men before you're married. Stop moving in with these men before you're married. Stop moving in with these men before you're married. Get a roommate. Ladies, if you can't afford your rent, guess what? Get a roommate. Stop moving in with these men. Hey, men, if you can't afford your rent, get a roommate. Stop moving in with these women.

6:43 Stop moving in before you're married. Because most people, what I've seen, y'all correct me if I'm wrong, most people date for two or three years, they break up. Now I've got to move out of my house? Now I gotta change up my space? Whereas if we were just not living together in the first place, I'm still right here with my roommate. Nothing has really changed. If you want me to move in, number one, we're married. Now, if I choose to marry you and you choose to marry me, if we choose to get married, what now happens is I understand and have an idea of what the bills actually are. Now it is time to move in.

7:15 If my man is struggling every month to pay the rent and all of the bills, or let's say he has $ 500 left after all the bills are paid and I make $ 3, 500 a month after taxes, And I don't have any bills to pay for. And I'm moving in with this man. There's going to be things that I want to do to help relieve that pressure. Now, maybe it's me saying, I'm going to take over the utilities and the water bill. Those are the bills that I'm going to take and our cell phone bill. These are what I'm going to take over. And now that opens up another $ 350 in his pocket. So now he has an extra $ 850 a month. So now when that lady wants to take trips or she wants to whatever, you're also not taking into account, though, that she still has

7:57 $ 3, 000 a month.

7:59 Where is that going?

8:00 That part.

8:00 Are you investing it? Are you just spending it on yourself? Are you buying yourself new bags? Are you taking yourself for massages? What are you doing with the money that you bring into the home? Because it is about what's good for the colony, right? And that's why I'm saying women date for their ego, not for partnership in life.

8:20 Because if you're looking at us coming together, we are making this money. I don't want, and that's not my case, but I wouldn't want my husband to ever be like, I only have, you know, $ 1, 000 for myself a month. Meanwhile, I have thousands of dollars every month. That doesn't even, that doesn't sit well with me.

8:40 I agree. At all. These women go out with literally nothing but lip gloss in their bag.

8:44 Literally. In a bag they can't afford because somebody else bought it for them.

8:48 You feel me?

8:49 Here's the thing.

8:50 I believe that women should take their man out on dates and he not have to pay a thing, but that's just me. That's just me.

8:56 I think there's a time for it. If she's planning date night, yeah.

8:59 I believe that if a man is providing for you in any capacity where you don't have to pay big bills, even if that means rent.

9:06 So, and this is the thing too, like even in my marriage, Brock and I, we do date nights. When I plan date night, I pay for everything. When he plans date night, he plans everything. But this is also why we need to feel good in our own bank account. This is why a woman should have some type of value for something that she brings to the table, right?

9:27 Because I can't imagine, I don't know, I just feel like that's such a heavy responsibility if I were to be in a space where I'm like, if you're not paying my bills, like, Every bill, every trip, every time I go to the mall, every time I get a facial, every.

9:41 I am expensive.

9:42 I know that I'm expensive.

9:44 I'm telling you, these women are delusional.

9:46 They date for ego. They don't date for love, which is why it's harder to find a good man than it.

9:52 Is to find a good woman.

9:53 I would say they're not trying to... like, I don't necessarily, normally my whole situation is, it's my crib, my stuff, like, and they're just kind of there. But if, if I'm going to go and not do 50-50 with something, then she's okay paying 100%. Like she put, like, you know what I mean? That's my argument. It's like, you don't want to split and you want to pay full of everything by yourself. Don't know. That just doesn't, To me, that doesn't compute. Normally, I do pay for everything. Yeah.

10:17 I just don't like the.

10:18 The expectation.

10:19 Correct.

10:19 And the entitlement.

10:20 Yeah.

10:20 And I don't think a lot of these women have that coming. I really don't. I really don't. I feel like you expect this man to pay all of your bills, but what do you bring to the table outside of nagging and sex? All these false expectations that you think of you saying, I'm not happy. And then you get to split half of his resources in a divorce for what?

10:42 Right.

10:43 I don't, I don't like that personally. I don't, I don't think that that, I don't, I don't like it. I don't like it. I don't like it at all. It's Giving Podcast is a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network.