Accepting the Apology You Never Got | Growth Mindset & Personal Peace w/ Moira Aboagye

0:05 Welcome to the King Dems podcast, where we share the stories of extraordinary people and dissect hot, relevant topics that shape our world. From visionary leaders to trailblazing creatives, we uncover the mindset, strategy, and grit behind greatness. Whether it's business, culture, or personal growth, we ask the real questions.

0:24 This isn't just conversation, it's transformation. The Kingdom's podcast, Your Next Breakthrough, starts here. Music licencing Reimagined Before we dive back into today's conversation, I want to share something important. This episode includes a paid partnership with Better Help, a platform designed to make starting therapy easier.

0:47 I know from my own journey as a leader and entrepreneur that life can sometimes feel overwhelming. There are seasons where stress, uncertainty, and pressure build up, and you need a safe space to process it all. That's where therapy comes in. Therapy isn't only for people facing clinical challenges. It's a space to reflect, grow, and find better ways to manage stress, relationships, and personal goals. It takes courage to seek help, but it's also one of the smartest investments you can make in your mental and emotional well-being.

1:27 That's why I'm proud to highlight Better Help. With Better Help, you simply fill out a short questionnaire and get matched. With a credentialed. Therapist in just a couple of days. If the first match doesn't feel like the right fit, you can easily switch a therapist at no extra cost until you find someone who truly connects with you inside the platform.

1:50 You'll also find tools. Like journaling and group sessions on different topics that can support your growth. And with over 7000 reviews and a 4.5 Trustpilot breathing, Betterhelp is a platform you can rely on. So if you feel like you'd benefit from talking to a therapist, visit betterhelp.com/kingdames.

2:14 That's betterhelp.com/kingdames to get 10% off your first month of therapy. Once again, this is a paid partnership with Better Help and I encourage you to take that first step. If you've been thinking about it, sometimes the best investment you can make these in yourself. Luke, Mike Hazels, you write about accepting the apology you never got.

2:42 Yes, yes. So why is this important for personal piece and how can people practically apply it? OK, so accepting the apology you never got, it does go back to what I said to you being responsible for your own actions and your contributions in a situation. And I believe that this particular title included in my book, It Goes Well, boils down to being responsible for your own emotions. Do you see?

3:14 I mean, we live with imperfect people. We're talking about this today, isn't it about imperfection? And that, you know, I'm not perfect, you're not perfect. And yeah, we live with imperfect people every day. And they're going to hurt you intentionally or non intentionally. They're going to hurt you.

3:32 Do you see? They will say things or they might do things without knowing that they are hurting. But there's some people will do it knowingly. But then are they going to apologise? No. Would they even realise that they've hurt you? No. So what do you do in such a situation? So that's what brought about that title for me.

3:56 Accept the apology we never got. Because then that way you you're able to move on because you're going to come, you're going to come across people in life who are going to hurt you 100%. Even the closest people to you will hurt you, but they might not realise that they've hurt you. Or they might know that they did, but they might not see the need to apologise, but they feel justified.

4:20 Yeah. So it's more of than taking control of your own emotions and saying, you know what, I'm going to move on from this. I'm accepting the apology that I never got. Yeah. So it's more like protecting your own mind space, taking responsibility, protecting your mind space. That's correct. And in the course of, you know, studying your body of work, right?

4:46 I don't know if this is deliberate or if it is not a deliberate action, right? And I'm gonna point this out to you. Yes, the, the word of God, the Bible is, you know, the bedrock, the foundation, right? But do you also realise that you have also done a great job in adopting principles across different, you know, fields such as psychology, sociology, philosophy, right?

5:25 You've been able to make, you know, the social sciences, you know, quite well and also logically as I am. Oh, well, you know, would I say, well read or vastly read individual, right. And I've, you know, studied across, you know, the social sciences. I wasn't a faculty of social sciences, you know, doing university courses in economics and psychology and sociology, in demography, in statistics, right.

6:05 So you touch on things relating to finance, for example, I'm a finance professional, so. I understand, I see where. People are stating principles that are consistent, right? And there's something with philosophy, right? It's something called arguments and critical reasoning, right? There are arguments that are solid.

6:28 There are arguments that are are a fallacy, right. If your premises right leads to a reasonable conclusion, it means you are being logical. You're following a logical sequence and I see that logical sequence. So would you say it's a deliberate effort from you, you know, mixing principles on psychology, mixing principles from sociology, for example, because mine is a social animal, you touch a lot on social interactions, right?

6:57 So basically you are taking, you know, principles from sociology into your body of work as well. You're taking, you know, philosophies, right? You know logical reasoning right into what you're doing. So talk to us about it. It was it a deliberate effort or it's something that just came together on its own? I.

7:22 Mean I've read several books, you know, and like I said, there's principles that govern the different areas in our lives, you know, and people have written books about it, you know, So if you want to zero in on a particular subject, then you can read like for example, about habits. You know, we are creatures of habit.

7:43 But then if you want to build good habits, you have books that can guide you in that direction. You know, the Bible also talks about the fact that God has given to us all things that pertain to this life and to godliness. So even the principles of finances, marriage, you know, raising children, etcetera. It's all in the Bible.

8:06 Do you see? So some things that I do include and references and quotes from other people when you really, really think about it, but it all boils down to what was said originally in the scriptures. You know, like if you find a lot of motivational speakers talk about giving a lot, they talk about helping other people. So a lot of these motivational speakers talk about if you want to be great, if you want to be a personal value, which is something I'm very, very passionate about. You know, it says seek to be that value so that you can add value to others.

8:43 Do you see and it's something that Jesus came and said when you first came, you know, preaching his message about love God with all your heart and then love your fellow man as yourself. Do good to the next person. So when all those principles, when you when you think about it, the origin is from the scriptures was the Lord said he's given us everything that pertained to this life and to godliness as well. So honestly, I wouldn't, I can't say I've touched on any psychology like intentionally I may have through reading, but I wouldn't know that I'm actually coming from a psychology side, you know, unlike yourself, maybe you might recognise some of the things because you studied it, but I wouldn't intentionally. Yeah, yeah, because I never did

9:36 study psychology that. Is making sense. Yeah, but I did study theology. Oh. Yeah, I studied theology but not psychology and maybe do touch on it because some principles, you know, they do kind of crossover into other areas, intersect, intersect. That's it. Yeah. So let me put you on the spot then.

9:59 I am very scientific as much as I'm a man of faith, right? So I think and that probably comes from, would I say excessive studying? Yes. Faith. Yeah, they say faith with how it. Works is dead. Yes, right. Absolutely. And I love the way you're dropping the scriptures today. You know, I mean, you did tell me, you know a lot of scriptures, but it's as if you're saving a lot of them to drop them today. OK.

10:29 Just. Just OK, just. Just for the records. Right, I did graduate from the School of Disciples Reading. Christianity. You did. You mentioned it. I'm a Bible scholar. Yes, yes, you mentioned. And actually as a teenager I did with the whole of the Bible, Genesis, the revelation. So when this he studied tissue that he's ever proved, I have dubbed put in my time.

10:52 I've done my time, I've paid my GS. I've read the whole Bible sound. Like that's it, then you're done. No, no, no, like. I'm saying that it shouldn't be surprising. When I pull out these references right? I well, I didn't know. I knew you knew scriptures, but I didn't know it was this deep. Yeah.

11:10 Like, I think it's a whole year of my life going to like theology school, right? So tell me why? It's like you've been surprised Why I. Understand finance being a chartered accountant. Why I don't put it out there that I, I, it's not on my CV, right? But I did go to the school. OK. So. Honestly. I don't wish my parents school fees. I think I remember.

11:43 Was it? Yeah. My parents actually just pushed me into it. Like OK, go and do this thing, OK? I know, I know it. Sometimes they want you to have a solid before you can start doing Pinterest. So so no problem. I'm done dude. So like. I've, I've always been a nerd, yeah, as a kid. So I grew up as a skinny kid, right? So.

12:08 As I was studying. That's a good thing, that's a good thing, and a very good thing came out of it too. Oh, wow. Thank you. Yeah, Yeah, Thank you. Yes. I I guess my parents will be happy, but you know, for. Me, I I don't know. I OK, there's something we did in what's it called law business law. They say Nemo Judex in courses were a man cannot be a judge in his own case, right? Or I think I'm being a judge in my own case right now. I feel like I tried.

12:40 I do a good job in achieving a balance between my belief in science and my belief in the Christian faith. So I I'm a very strong believer, but at the same time I followed the principles of science. I'm very empty people, you know, in terms of my judgement and also by work my professional training as as an auditor, right, like 2 of the global peak for accounting firms, right? So basically gives you a particular kind of structured mindset, right, to think and you evaluate things based on verifiable data, right?

13:25 So for me, achieving a balance of science and recent faith, did you think therapy, speaking to professional therapists is a good thing for individuals that are present? Like what are your thoughts on it? I'm sorry to put you on a hot seat, but. Wasn't the whole thing so? What do you think about therapy?

14:02 Because I, I, I usually make this joke about me growing up in Nigeria. You grew up in Zimbabwe, right? I see a lot of similarities between Zimbabweans and Nigerians. Zimbabweans are quite superstitious set of people. Nigerians are also superstitious. Tell me which kind. Of Nigerians, Nigerians are very religious.

14:25 Zimbabwe is a very religious right. It's it's quite funny how. It's like an African thing. Yeah, but Zimbabwe? Is on another level because you hear Zimbabwe names like trust in. God confidence believe I would like congratulations I've. Never heard of that one. Thank God, the lightning God, God, God. You know their name.

14:48 It's. In the language in in the native language, right? Not not the English language. In the dating language and in the English language. And I'm like. But it's a good thing though. You need. Be. Thank God, thank. You Jesus. No way the Zimbabweans that do the most. Makes a, makes a. Good, but.

15:11 But how about congratulations? How about congratulations? I've never heard of that one before, this is my first time hearing it. You ever heard? This is my first time hearing it, but I think any name we've got attached to it. I mean, you have a better chance than one without it. You have a better chance.

15:28 OK, OK, we've got all these are possible, so. OK, so. Therapy. Yeah, therapy. Yes, as in is it a good thing or just to clarify your question? Like, what's your stance on it? Because Africans, right? Yeah. And I like to make that joke about, yeah, Nigerians, Zimbabweans, Africans, basically the African mentality basically is they are not open to people speaking to therapists.

16:00 And unfortunately, we don't like to take mental health, you know, very seriously if you have a mental health. Issues they will like go and read your Bible or go and pray like well I literally do a Zimbabwe. Friend that told me, oh, I sustained an injury at work and then I'm like OK, have you spoken to your GP about it?

16:21 Like OK, talk to a physio because I have done physio. I've seen chiropractors who have actually helped improve my own personal health. So when I'm talking to you telling you to see a physio like I am saying this because I've exploded and you guess what the person told me said no, I've prayed about it and you know the shoulder is relieving me.

16:41 I'm like what? Because you're a science, do you? Know what internal injuries and cost you. You're telling me you've prayed about it itself? You see the physio 'cause. I know what muscle injuries can do to you and. And I get and I and I get. It are you telling me you have prayed about it so? I, I get where you're coming from, Ade, You see, I, I get where you're coming from because remember you did say you're like a, a science guy.

17:11 You try and find that difference in that balance. But then you see the Bible also talks about each man shall live according to his faith. You see, it's a good thing to seek therapy to see the doctor, but it's also according to your faith. Do you see? You know, it's like my. Parents generation, right?

17:32 The thing with my. Parents generation is a lot of them, I think when I tried to psychoanalyse them, suffer from a lot of untreated on healed traumas because they did not open up to therapy, right and they held up to religion. I think religion was like an Ave for them to, to deal with a lot of, you know, their mental health challenges.

18:04 That's why you see a lot of people in church, you know, and a lot of people I, I think the, the pastors are even like being overwhelmed, taking up, you know what I say challenges that they probably shouldn't typically be dealing with because yes, there are spiritual, you know, challenges, there are physical challenges, right? You're speaking to a pastor who probably studied guidance and counselling, right?

18:31 Or probably let's even change that. Ghana's counsellor is good. Apostle studies theology, right? And this is also good. Yeah, right. But this pastor doesn't have any idea about, like, certain health problems, for example, mental health problems. I think student psychology, for example, talked about, you know, you deal with people who are schizophrenic, right, who have personality disorders, for example, like, so a person like myself will probably be better equipped, you know, interacting or providing advice to certain individuals, right?

19:15 But we overwhelmed pastors who were probably not very well equipped in terms of understanding certain problems, right? And you know, the only recommendation is you pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. All right, can, can, can I? Oh no. Please, please address the issue. Defend your African people. Yes.

19:40 So having been in the church for 21 years now, I've come to learn that with the Lord you walk with him with wisdom. When you walk closely with the Lord, it's it's not a case of or we just pray, pray, pray, pray, pray. We don't walk in ignorance. You see, when you walk in God's principles, you know as well that you need to be be educated.

20:08 You know, you did mention a scripture earlier that started to show yourself approved. So when you study, you will come to an understanding of certain things you see. And when you walk closely with the Lord, you're also able to discern, you know, to be, you know, you're able to know whether it's a situation where you need to go to the hospital, you need to go and get medication because God also heals through medication. So my church, for instance, which is an awesome church, by the way, you know, they teach the, the truth in its most balanced form.

20:42 So when you need medication, you're going to get medication. If it needs prayer, we pray. Do you see? And there's, and that's why as as I mentioned earlier, having a mentor, they also know how to guide. So they won't tell you that, OK, just go and pray. OK, just go and pray because because they hear from the Lord.

20:59 Remember I mentioned to you earlier that you need a mentor who hears from the Lord Because they hear from the Lord, they can then also advise you accordingly. You see, that's not just a case of oh, because in church we pray. Just pray about everything. Did you get my point? Let. Me ask. It's not.

21:15 So it's not all churches. I know many churches. And also one thing I wanted to ask just very quickly, very quickly. Some pastors may the congregants pastor dependent, which is not a good thing. They're supposed to equip the believer to stand in the Lord for themselves. Do you see now? So that's the difference. So now the reason why they're most churches are inundated with, oh, I've got this, I need to heal from this. I need to, you know, I need help with this and that, I mean, it's not a bad thing.

21:49 People can go to the pastors for help, for prayers, for healing. But then if they leave the congregants to be dependent on them, that's what ends up happening. But whereas in my church, for instance, they teach you to seek the Lord for yourself and know him for yourself. Do you get it? So when things come up, you're able to actually pray yourself through and you also get the wisdom to know what to do in any given situation.

22:14 I I. Feel like you're fortunate? To be in a church where you have educated leaders. Very educated. Leaders. They're enlightened. Not just enlightened, that's posed. 2. And they are noted. They're blessed. So you're just simply blessed, right? Amen. But unfortunately. Not everybody's as best as you are. But then I'm gonna add more fuel to this fight. I'm gonna add more fuel to this fight. Zimbabwe.

22:46 Nigeria. Like right and me being a social scientist that I am right, sometimes I just observe from the flats, right observe, you know, social dynamic, right? I observe goings on right, in social institution, right, and social situations now in Nigeria, and I think that it should be similar to what happens in Zimbabwe as well.

23:18 There are a lot of individuals who are neuro divergent, for example, people with ADHD, people with autism, right? Yeah, that autistic, right. And you know, it's a spectrum. So for some people they are, you know, severely affected, Some people are mildly affected, right? Some people moderately affected. Right now, when individuals are neurodivergent, the the traditional African perspective is usually to dismiss them or to regard them as, you know, on feet, you know, individuals. I don't see that help, you know, that understanding of these conditions, right until lately, I think maybe with my own generation.

24:08 And then the Jazzy's, right, people are more exposed to like enlightenment about, you know, mental health challenges, about people being different. You've been neurodivergent doesn't necessarily mean that you are abnormal, right? But in the days of, you know, my parents and you know, my grandparents, right, Such individuals were typically dismissed as abnormal, right? In Nigeria growing up, right, when I was in primary school. It's, it's quite, you know, unfortunate how if you're not good at mathematics or good at setting, you know, courses and you score 0 year test and the teachers will basically shame you, tell the other kids to label you as something called ulodo, meaning you are a dumb

24:59 head, right? And that's psychologically damages a lot of individuals, right? So really like, what's your own take on how individuals who are neuro divergent right, can be helped? Can you know, because there are, we have special needs schools, right? And not even all individuals need to be in session, need schools like with advancement in, you know, technology and psychology for training of teachers, I think people better understand these conditions and these individuals are being given better support, right, in order to achieve excellence in life, right?

25:49 Right of the Church. Yes, yes, in, in terms of the Church, right? Because when these individuals are, you know, probably presented to like church leaders, right, religious leaders, a lot of them just dismiss them as, you know, cases that they just need prayers, right? But adequate counselling that's not given in our religious institutions, especially back home, right, about helping this individual psychologically.

26:20 So like how did you help you know the church right to be able to apply science right with faith and make make it work? Well, I think it goes back to what I was saying where there are times when you know, you know through discerning that you need medication and prayers working hand in hand. So I think people in that disposition, they need to be seen to by special needs people, definitely.

26:56 I mean, because obviously they don't live the same lives that we do. If I would, if I could say no more lives, they don't live the way we do. So they need to have the special needs met. But I think at the same time, there's no harm in putting in prayer. There's no harm in putting in prayer because I've had the situation.

27:18 I'll speak of myself personally. I, I remember before I got born again, and that was like about a year before I think I, I was really going through a lot of like emotional pain and mental turmoil and I was referred to a psychologist. Yeah, interesting. I'd yeah. Interesting. Yes. Tell us more about this one. Yes, I was referred to 1.

27:45 You know, funny when you're saying it. I totally forgot about Auntie. You started mentioning it and the Lord just brought it back to my remembrance, remember? And I went the first time. They were asking me questions, I was answering When I left, I didn't feel any different. I went the second time, but deep inside me I knew that this is the one I need. It wasn't helping me.

28:11 So do you know what I said to the lady? I said, you know what? I don't want to come back. It's His, yes. Niger, did you say I don't do again? I did. I was, I was, I was very honest and I said and I said don't want to come back. And these were my I'll never forget this. These were my exact words.

28:33 I said I don't want to waste your times and I don't want you to waste my time. I didn't. You know who? Was wasted. Whose time? I was thinking we would both. I said I don't want you to waste my time. I don't want to waste your time. You know why? Because I realised it wasn't working for me, you see.

28:58 Because what I needed was something deep inside that nobody else could touch. And at that time I didn't know it was Jesus DC. So when now I got born again, that's what I needed, DC. And I have a friend. I have a friend of mine who at the time, they couldn't stop drinking. It was just drinking nonstop and they tried to go to like an A, a type of meeting, but it was a nonstop situation until they also then realised this is beyond me. Do you see?

29:34 So a lot of people try so hard in their own strength to, to change, to be better, to heal in, you know, but then that's why for me, I don't lean too much on motivational speaking in as much as I motivate people in as much as I, I do my best to inspire people, but I always want to tell them the truth of where the true healing comes from, you see, and which is from Christ. So everything else works together with so the science bit that you were talking about, which is the medication which is being hospitalised, you know, going to institutions, it's absolutely needed and necessary.

30:16 But he can still work hand in hand with prayer because God still uses, you know, the natural medication to heal people. I mean, you've heard of people saying, oh, I need to go for an operation. We have testimonies in my church where people have gone under the knife right before the doctors could do anything.

30:36 After one last scan, they said we can't find what we're trying to take out. That's a miracle right there. Yeah. But then there's some people we still need to go through it. Do you see? So it all depends on how, how God decides, you know, to heal the person and for the and for what purpose. What's the purpose of the person who had to go through the whole, the whole process of having the operation?

31:01 And what is the purpose of the person who never did get to do the operation even though there was something to operate? You see? Yeah. That's actually thought from 4 kids. Yeah, right. So basically, individuals are different. Very different and how God, yeah, yeah, like administers is here. It's very different. It's very, very different.

31:25 It's like, for example, like you did ask me like what would you recommend in terms of like healing? And I did say going to God, our healer, and that's one thing I remember I did, went to him trusting and believing him for something. And it went rather the opposite, like 360, you went opposite from what I was believing.

31:47 But then there was a purpose in it. There was a purpose in God not letting it go in the direction that I wanted it to, even though I was believing and trusting and I had faith. But then now when you walk with him very closely, like I said, it's not just a case of pray, pray, pray, pray, pray, all because we just have to pray.

32:05 But when you walk with Him closely now you're able to discern that, no, maybe God is putting you in a season where He wants to change something and you heal you, maybe break you, do something so He can use you for His purpose. Do you see? So in the healing, as you asked, just going back to that statement that you made, people should not expect that it might be instant.

32:29 Sometimes God does it in His own way. So one day the person can also have a message or a testimony which will bless someone else. Yeah, they either wait on the Lord. Shall renew their strength. Mount up with wings like eagle. Yeah, they shall run, I know. Yeah, absolutely. Your family judge tomorrow.

32:51 OK, so power scriptures inside you. Before you go right, so you've been the founder, the author of Smell the Coffee, Mike capsules, Whole Chin and motivational resources. So what's your ultimate vision for these initiatives and how do you see grading to the future? So what's the legacy you want to leave behind with your body of?

33:16 Work my legacy is become a person of value. That's the legacy and you are my book launch and you saw that I titled it Become a Person of Value. And I'm sure people wonder, like, how can you say that I should become a person of value? I believe I have value. Why should I become someone in value? Am I not valuable? You know?

33:39 But I believe that there are principles that differentiate us from people who don't become of value. Because you see, when you become someone who has value, you have influence, then you make, you know, you become successful, you know, and some of the principles I share in my book, you know, that bring about that value. And I believe that the ultimate value is to become a vessel in God's hand.

34:06 There's a Scripture in the book of Timothy which talks about their vessels in a house, vessels of honour, you know, the Scripture, and vessels of dishonour. And he said that. But if you become a vessel of honour, then you become that useful vessel in God's hand, isn't it? Yeah. So I with refer to that scripture, people say how can I become a person of value? I say, yeah, well if you can be of value, you can be of no value.

34:35 And that Scripture says it clearly that there are some, there are some vessels that are for honour and some for dishonour. But then if you are a vessel of honour, God can use you. He can make you a vessel that he can use, the Bible says for the master's youth. Yeah. It's a master. 'S that's. Yeah, wow.

34:53 It's been a really, really intense, insightful session today with you. For me, I like to see an attitude of gratitude is good attitude. So for me, to you, it's a very, very big thank you. Just to show. The. Book my capsule, make me your official marketer and give me Commission. Well, due to that, give me commissions. For people who buy from the poor tax. So where can people get this?

35:25 From SO, people can get this from my website whichissmellthecoffee.org. You can also find this on Amazon, Barnes and Nobles, Blackwells as well. And Waterstones. Yes, Waterstones. OK, interesting. So before you need, you want to do a shout out to anybody. Oh yes, I want to give a big shout out to my mentors, which I've spoken to about, sorry, my pastors, Pastor Victor, Pastor Lydia Darte.

35:54 I couldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for you. And the biggest shout out is to God Almighty. And I want to thank him for where he's brought me and every time that he's always come through for me. I am very thankful and everyone who's been there for me throughout my journey. Oh wow. Yes. Yes, of course.

36:12 Thank you. SO. Much for me to you once again. Thank you very much and God bless you. Wishing you the very, very best in all of your future endeavours. And of course, I wish that you are able to impact the lives of millions and billions of people across the globe positively. God bless you. God bless you too, Ade.

36:31 Thank you very much. Thank you for having me again. OK, thank you. Welcome.