S10E1: INTIMACY AFTER STROKE MINISERIE 1/4. Why is it so difficult.

Today is the day we are starting season 10 episode 1, and you know what that means? We are also starting the first of our miniseries, Sex and Intimacy After Stroke. Why it's so difficult beyond the physical is what we're going to be talking about today. I'm really, really looking forward to do this. But before, let me introduce myself. I'm Karina, the creator and the house behind this podcast. In the show, I show you how you can move forward past the events of the stroke and there's so much more beautiful life to live.

So I share all my tricks, hacks and how to's. How I got to survive this world. As a stroke survivor myself, 27 years ago, I suffered a brain stem dissection that led me to coma Interlochen Syndrome. As you can see, guys, I'm here and I'm fully living and I'm making it my mission to be there with my community and share every single thing because I want you to have the best recovery possible.

Guys, welcome to Stroke Surviving the Odds of the podcast. Let me do a little bit of clean house before we really get into it. I want to remind you to like, follow and subscribe on any and all platforms that you are listening to your shows. But at the same time, I'm going to ask you a favor. It would really, really be good if you could share the podcast either on my Instagram account, which I'm going to leave you the description of everywhere you can find me.

But by sharing, you are allowing people all around the world to be impacted, to have access to the exact same information that you have. And you know what I say, paying it forward is the biggest form of generosity. It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with heart. I also want you guys to know that I offer a lot of free content, not just here in the podcast or on my Facebook group for the podcast, but I also would like for you to write down in the in the comments. If you write PDF 20, I'm going to be sending you a list of 20 different ways you can say no without saying no. So if you're a people pleaser and you're afraid to ruffle some feathers, you're afraid to upset people, I've got you write PDF 20.

Also in the comments, you can write PDF 10 and I'm going to be sending you the 10 different ways you can regain emotional energy. That's a very, very big part of being a stroke survivor is really saving and regaining because we lose so much after stroke. You lost so much and I want you to get it back and I want you to save whatever you have. PDF 20.

And I also have a handout that I am offering here in this series, Sex and Intimacy, where I'm talking for people with aphasia and dysphasia and you want to learn all about the nonverbal cues. I've got you. So that way you're going to write in the comments non verbal and I've got you as well, BA. What do you say we get this show on the road? This is a very personal topic to me because 27 years ago I had the hardest time to adjust.

So I know what you guys must be feeling and what I'm going to be talking about here is a very, very important part of recovery. Actually, before deciding to do a mini Serie here in the podcast and doing a live next week, a live event, I went in all the different Facebook groups and I posted a poll where I asked if I should do an event on sex and intimacy after stroke.

Well, a whopping 95%, I'm not kidding guys. 95% of the people said hell yeah, roll out the red carpet. Let's do it. It is a much needed topic. I mean, the comments that I've gotten, they humbled me. They almost made me feel unworthy of this. So that's why I think it is so important. I know it is so important for you guys to regain that part of you that you feel maybe that you've lost.

And if you have listened to the show before, you know that I'm very proactive in all my episodes. That's why I ask you to grab a pen and paper because when I listen to a show that offers me some sort of transformation, you're guaranteed I'm going to be taking notes. That's why if you don't want to be taking notes today and you just want to sit back and listen, awesome.

Go right ahead and download the episode. That way you can listen to it at your leisure when you're doing your own recuperation, when you're at the gym doing your PT, when you're walking around, when you're doing your treadmill. I've got you there too, but for some it is extremely uncomfortable because many were raised not to talk about anything to do with SEX or anything to do with intimacy because many people think that intimacy has to do with sex.

No, you're going to see the more I'm going to talk in different. We have 4 weeks to go with this. Once a week we're going to address the topic and you're going to see guys that it has nothing to do with sex, everything to do with feelings, moments, emotions. And again, if you have listened to the show before, you know that I'm all about emotions.

I have a craving to finding solutions and answers on how to not only help myself but help the world of stroke survivors. When I was lying in my bed guys, I vowed that when I was going to get out of this shit hole that I was in that I was going to be there for my community, which is you guys. And I was going to share every single bit because 27 years ago, there was nothing for me. No podcast, no shows.

People were still not talking about sex. People were still not talking about the ME movement. People were still not talking about nothing. And look at this 27 years ago. Isn't it amazing? So like I said, this topic is extremely, extremely important to me to talk about because I felt like shit 27 years ago.

It is very sensitive and very delicate, like a French lace, but it has to be addressed. So let's go back in time and think. I was 25, in the prime of my life. I was a new mom. I was doing some modelling on the side and boom, I had the stroke and all of a sudden I lost every sense of the woman in me. Do you know what I mean?

Do you know, do you feel like that sometimes? And I know that a very high percentage of my listeners or females. So I know that you get me. So isn't it great? You and I get each other? I love it. That is the feeling I wanted when I created this freaking show. I wanted to feel like we were in the same room and just, Oh my God, you're so right. Oh my God, me too.

That's what I want. Well, we're going to do that today, guys. So today I am going to be sharing the most common ones, which you obviously know, but what's important is I'm going to show you how I overcame them. I always tell you guys what worked for me should work for you. There's no reason why it wouldn't. You take my story and you flip it into yours. And like I said, there's no reason why it can't work for you.

There's none. And if there, if you feel still that there is, heck talk to me personally. DM me personally in my inbox and we'll talk about it. OK, so a big, huge one. The number one for me and probably for most of the people out there is the emotional and psychological challenges. Oh my goodness, Overnight, guys, overnight. So let me ask you this and answer, answer to me rhetorically.

I won't answer back but answer. Have you ever said my body isn't the same? I don't look the same and I also don't function the same. OK, just say yes or no don't elaborate. Have you ever said something in the effect of I'm not attractive anymore? That's dysmorphia. It could be temporary and it could be still going on strong with some of you.

That's dysmorphia. I'm not attractive anymore. Just a simple yes or no. And have you ever said I don't feel desirable, whether from my male, female partner, it doesn't make a difference. It's simple yes or no. These feelings they can create hesitation, they can create avoidance and they obviously crushed yourself confidence.

I I I can't express it enough. Now, of course you let's address my body is in the same looks and function. I've had a couple of people asking me, OK, I have a new boyfriend or a new girlfriend and how do I go about it on the physical thing? Well, OK, on a physical thing, we adapt. We humans are like chameleons.

Guys, I promise you are like a little green chameleon that changes color. Whatever it touches, you will figure it out. You know what's the biggest barrier for us? It's our brains, it's our minds, it's our feelings. I'm left in my plagic. What do you think I use to be me, Karina? Well, my right side. Therefore I lie on my left side and I operate with my right. And let me tell you, I'm fully functional. So you have to discover what is comfortable for you. Maybe you don't look the same, maybe yours. It's not just about the body.

Maybe you have a droopy, your face drooped and it changed the way your at the time for you. You were like, so goddess and so godly, and now you're so ugly. That's how you feel again. I mean, listen, it happens to all of us in different ways. And I was blessed enough that I have a major, Not a major, a minor, right? Paralysis, if you will.

A minor droop. But I fix it with makeup and whatnot. It's never been an issue for me. I would say after a year of having my stroke. But again, lie on the side that you don't like. Lie on the side that makes you feel weaker, that makes you feel less comfy and and and gain all your strength. Pull it to the side that is operational to your liking.

I'm not attractive anymore. I used to think that because when I was modeling, I would like no heel was high enough for me. I used to think that because I couldn't wear heels and make my legs look longer. I'm only 55, but if the heels don't make my legs look longer and don't make my ass look straighter and, and, and you know, that's a much book. Oh, look at my tits.

Fuck, look at my this look at my. You know, that's dysmorphia. Again, many people out there, guys don't have a stroke and they suffer from dysmorphia. So what I do to help myself feel better about it is that being in denial of of what is let's say I go, let's say I go to the store and I buy jeans. God, I hate buying jeans and bathing suits. Oh, Mamma Mia.

And I'm in the in the trying room, the changing room. Sorry and I look at myself instead of bitching and complaining and trying to put my ass smaller and this and that I just say out loud eh it is what it is and I walk away. Fuck it, it is what it is. I can bitch and complain until I'm blue in the face. So I'm going to make my ass any smaller, but what part of your body do you love, really?

When you look at yourself now in the mirror, what part of you do you love? I hope a little percentage of you are going to answer, and I don't want to hear. I don't like myself. I respect it if that's how you feel. But I know that you have something beautiful. But if you don't find it beautiful, but what part of you do you like?

Maybe you like your right cheek. I love my right butt cheek. I love my thigh. It's, it's strong because I compensate with my right side compared to my left. So my thigh is, is, is strong. You know, my arm, my whole right side, because I overcome and say I like that. And I'm, I pull all the confidence that I lack on my left, I pull it on the right. And you know, if, if you create a field, if you are hesitant, you're only denying yourself pleasure. You're only denying yourself, not sexual pleasure, the pleasure of feeling beautiful and desirable again, attractive. She's I, I, I, I, I'm a woman and I don't know how come I, I, I got to accept this.

But again, it is what it is. Guys, acceptance is realizing that it is what it is, it it will change just for the time being it is what it is and it's the cards that I'm dealt with right now. So I have the choice. I either have fun and pleasure and and look hot and sexy on my whole outfit, but I feel the sexiness more on the right.

There's a way you can sit, there's a way you can stand, there's a way you can look in the mirror. There's a way you can take photographies, girls, girls, let me tell you, when you do shot, when in modeling, when we would do bikini shots or bra shots, they would always say, you know how we always have one of our boobs bigger than the other one just a little bit? They would always say put the bigger one in front. Therefore, you tilt back.

How can I say? You angle yourself back so your smaller boot is in the back and your big one in front, therefore the shadows and everything works that way. Well, it's the same thing for you. When you're on your affected side. That's one thing if you're avoiding and you have a partner and that's terrible. Guys, you are you comfortable talking to your partner, man or woman?

I'm talking to the both of you, OK, You need to be comfortable to talk to your partner and tell them how you feel. But that's the psychological part, guys. The emotional part is that you don't want to talk to your partner. You don't want, you want to hesitate. You want to make yourself so small. Oh God, he wants to have sex again tonight. Oh God, he wants a blowjob again tonight. And I don't want to.

I don't feel loved. Come on, ladies. Come on, gentlemen. So that is emotional. The psychological is that warfare that's happening in your mind. OK, take the time you need, but when it comes to emotions, we have to deal with them ourselves. We have to take the bull by the horns and deal with our shit because nobody owns our emotions but us. Only we are accountable, but psychological. A lot of exterior factors affect the psychological mind of a stroke survivor.

As I'm I'm only speaking, saying especially women because I know we are so sensitive. We are like delicate flowers in the garden, OK, but sometimes we have to have thorns. And many people get hurt and influenced and bashed by other people, their spouses saying something. And because we are so emotional after stroke, we hold everything. We take everything for for what they say. And it's not even the case.

So the moral of the story is still with your shit emotionally. Don't let any stone unturned, OK? Deal with that. And the psychological part is going to work itself out if you work yourself out and I'm giving you tricks. Lie on your left side or on your affected side. Angle your body when you're taking pictures and stuff.

If you smile like me, my smile on the left is drooping a little down, but my, my right, my, my teeth when I smile is is so comfortable. So I, I, I force my mouth. There's exercises we can do to change the form of our smiles, just like those exercises we can do to strengthen our arms and legs. OK.

But I also think that it's important. If you suffer from dysmorphia, I think it would be very important and beneficial for you to go and consult someone and talk about that. You shouldn't be going through this by yourself. There's only so much your other stroke survivor friends can do. Sometimes you do need to go consult, and I'm all for it. You know that I practice tough love on you guys because that's the way I practice it on me.

That's how I survived, OK? Don't hold it against me. Don't don't think I'm a bitch because I do that. I'm, I'm I. It's my way of expressing myself, OK? But you know that I love you and I have sympathy for you guys and empathy and compassion. I feel you. Now. The second thing is fear of rejection.

Now I have something positive to tell you guys. Oh yes, you know people that didn't have a stroke, they feel the exact same way. They have the exact same insecurities as you. The only difference is that your body might be affected. Some stroke survivors. The body's not some stroke survivor. You might be bedridden, you might be in a wheelchair.

I have something to say about that, guys. If you love yourself and you, you find yourself sexy as fuck sometimes, not every day, but sometimes, let me tell you, your partner is going to find the not physically, they are going to love your mind. They are going to love that you are a strong ass person and you're not letting anything rain on your parade. Not even the way you look, not even the way you feel. You know, sometimes I, I, I, I, I am insecure. I do have insecurities and you know what? What makes me feel better?

I just go about doing my thing right. But when people tell me, Oh my God, Karina, you're like, you're really brave. Good, Good for you, man. Good for you. You're very courageous. You know what Not they see the physical adversities that I wear a brace, that I walk with a cane, that I'm now having difficulty, that I'm lopsided. They see that I have.

My left hand is most of the time closed, like a closed fist. People see that, but they see beyond it. Do you honestly think that your partner is so vain that they don't see how hard your life? You are fighting for your life and you're making the best out of it. Babe. When y'all don't. Of course they do, they're not that vain.

But very often I found even me when I was married back in the day, when I bitched and complained about me, it made him uncomfortable. And then by him making him being uncomfortable and being the woman I am, I feel the uncomfortableness in him. Then I become more, You see where I'm going with this? There's a lot of uncomfortableness. There's a lot of feelings going around. Ladies, we don't need this shit.

We feel so much about everything in the whole wide world. And I have another great news for you. The people that listen to my show are between the ages of 35 and 65. Well, the good news is that when we hit our 40s and 50s, we don't give a crap about what other people think, whether we have a stroke or not.

We don't. So the good thing that I'm saying that there's a good thing is that your age is how can I say your age is not the testament? But yeah, kind of you become at your age, the testament of I don't give a bull crap of anything. I love myself. I am confident. I look like shit sometimes. Yes.

You guys should see me right now. Woo Hoo. I'm scary. But you know what, I don't care. I went outside on the front lawn. That's the beauty of being 50 years old. So when I'm with my partner, I feel insecure. I feel a little bit embarrassed sometimes, but at the same time, I really. You got to dig deep, guys. You got to dig deep and know each and everyone of you have a certain hotness, a certain beauty, feminine beauty, masculine beauty.

Really anchor yourself, put all your strength in there. Now we're going to do the exercise like we did before. Have you ever said just a simple yes or no? Have you ever said, what if he doesn't want me anymore? What if she doesn't want me anymore? Have you ever said that yes or no? And the other question is, what if I can't perform the fear of performance? What if I can't get on top of her the way? What if I can't touch her the way? What if I can't do things to him the way I used to? Well, damn it, you're going to find another way. There's a reason, guys.

When we had this stroke, our past life for a little while, we have to put it behind us and until you feel like you have accepted, because what I do as a coach is I help people with acceptance. And, and at that point when you tell me, Karina, I'm OK, this is I'm not happy about it. But this is, this is a shit man. This is what's going on.

Well, that's when I say you are ready. You are ready to start emerging the old you into the new you. Yeah. So people that don't even have a stroke, guys have all these fears that you have. So imagine how how ridiculous we feel because we are different mostly physically and it affects us internally and we deplete ourselves. We are shy, uncomfortable.

Don't look at me. I'm no, no, no, no, no. It is what it is honey and you are so freaking beautiful. You remember what I told you before that we stroke survivors or chameleons, we adapt to our environment? Well, when you have the fear of performance or trust me, after 27 years, I can honestly tell you, you are going to find a way to make make things happen on a sexual standpoint.

OK, But you have to get out of your head before that all this. You have to get out of your head. You're not that important. I'm not that important. Get out of your head and have fun. Have fun. I'm not talking about dating your husband. I know most of you talk. Most of the people want me to talk about sex.

And we're not talking about intimacy right now. We are talking about sex. But when we do have sex, we become intimate. We talk lower, our heart rates are lower. We feel love again. We feel that closeness. Every time you avoid, every time you hesitate, you are getting yourself that much further into the rabbit hole and into a resentful relationship with your partner, one of the two. You're going to resent him because you resent yourself, and he's going to resent you because you know what? So nothing good comes out of it.

Guys, just have fun. You only have one life to live and you are blessed enough that you got a second chance. Make it count if you didn't speak your mind before the stroke. Hell, start speaking your mind if you never told anybody before. If you haven't spoken to your spouse and told him or her what you wanted and how you wanted it.

Or maybe now it's the time. Don't. Don't keep things all on the inside. You know how I feel about keeping verbal diarrhea stuck inside of you. Yes, I'm talking about diary and sex all in the same time. OK, you know what I mean? Don't keep anything inside of you. Speak up. Feel free to speak up.

And if you don't, feel free to speak up and you're afraid and and and then you have bigger problems than just sex. How about that? I'm being honest with you. And thirdly, I'm going to talk about the elephant in the room. It's about depression and emotional withdrawal. I've done many shows on depression and emotional withdrawals, but none on sex and intimacy.

When someone like yourself is processing an emotional change such as a stroke, well, those emotions, we know they can become very heavy and like, it's just too much. OK, Most care, most caregivers of stroke survivors are spouses. That means that the dynamic has changed so many times one of you or both of you feel like intimacy is completely out of place, out of range. Saloporafalo, it has.

Let's just take a moment, close your eyes and just think back. Why didn't you fall in love with that person? Why did they fall in love with you? And I'm sure it has nothing to do with your boobs and your ass and your physical attributes. And you were capable of talking of everything. Your aspirations, your wants, your desires, your fears, different hurts.

You could talk about everything under the moon. And now, silence. Crickets. And you're hurting. You're hurting and they are hurting too. I guarantee you this. You see, as stroke survivors, we tend to think that the world revolves around us. It doesn't. We think we are the only ones that hurt. It's not true, but I also know that it's time that you start talking to you better have about the things you used to, your wants, your fears, how life changed, how you can both adapt.

Maybe maybe you started doing something that you are uncomfortable with, but they love. Have you ever thought about that? That's fun, that's interesting. That's that. That's what it's all about, you see. So when I sing it out of your head, that's what I mean for you. It's truly uncomfortable and you're miserable about it. But they love it.

They see. They see the fun and the beauty of it. I get it. Men and women don't feel the same about Gucci, Gucci and all that. I get it. But at the end of the day, I'm not just talking about sex here. I'm talking about intimacy. The sex is going to bring you intimate when you do the sex, and if you want to do it, you never ever do what you don't want to.

You understand that? I'm very serious about that. Don't let anybody make you do something you really don't want to do, OK? But once the deed is done and you guys are in a blissful moment before you go back to reality, it's OK to say to each other, can we just stay here 15 more minutes? I mean, I said it to my boyfriend last week, believe it or not.

And I mean, and, and, and and we're good. We've adapted. Absolutely. I mean, if you guys want to get graphic, I'm going to get graphic. Can't put my legs up anymore. OK, so I I get you, but there's other stuff we can do and there's other ways we can do it. And you remember when I told you that when we're 50, we don't give a shit about what?

Well, I'm capable of laughing at these these scenarios guys. So when I told them, let's stay here an extra 15 minutes. Let's not go in the living room yet, let's not go make supper, Let's just stay here with the dimmed light. Again, the heartbeat is slow and you feel more at ease perhaps to bring these topics up. Not a long ass conversation.

Jesus Christ, what a way to ruin things. But it is your right to express yourself and maybe not have a conversation after, but maybe have a conversation during. Oh, I don't like it when you do that. Please stop. I've done that. It's not comfortable. It's OK to do, to say something like that. Guys, men are not clairvoyants.

They don't know. So it's up to us to tell them what works and what doesn't. And emotionally, many women are blessed with great men in all different cultures around the world where you are able to talk emotionally. About what's going on, that you can tell them you're uncomfortable, that you can tell them you're embarrassed, that you can express yourself freely. And that's beautiful.

You know what? That's intimacy. You don't need to have sex to talk emotions. You don't need to have sex to talk about anything for that matter, other than what you want in the bedroom. And another thing when we have a stroke, some of you has have this dysphagia, some of you aphasia. I know that I don't have that completely, but I do know that when I get when I start a conversation, I might start it low comfortably, but then I get passionate about what I'm talking about and my voice not only gets louder but it get the pitch gets higher. I mean I annoy the shit on me.

I know that I I must annoy him. So in order to avoid these long ass fucking conversations that turn off people and turn you off, why put yourself in that scenario? Don't. There's a time and a place for everything. That's kind of why I suggest that you diary that, that you write every single thing out that way there's not much left inside of you that needs to be said because you've said it All I want is for you, the stroke survivor, to feel comfortable. Not just comfortable in your skin, but comfortable in your mind that you don't feel out of place with your emotions. That and I know that after stroke emotions go up and down and all around and all all the walls and everything. But her spouses don't need to

know that. I've had many conversations and arguments with my then a husband because I would simply talk too much. So we managed to have a comfortable sexual intimate life, not that open, but comfortable. And after what happened is that he became what I want to tell you guys is that what if the role is reversed? What if you're a stroke survivor that have an appetite and the other one is traumatized and don't want Well, I felt undesired, unattractive, annoying as hell, high pitched voice.

I had all these things no matter how good I looked. And after we were married 10 years after the fact. And you know, at the beginning I was a stroke survivor. I mean, and my skin and my hair and everything just had to fall back into place. But at the beginning it, it wasn't healthy. Like my body went through what you guys know, our bodies go through hell.

But after, I remember on the 10th year, I was working in a tanning salon and I got a tan and I was, you know, and I was, I had started working out just a little bit and I was getting my mojo back. Let's just put it that way. I started feeling sexy and all that and I had gotten a nice little outfit, nothing crazy. Something that I felt comfortable in, right, That I liked my butt, so it gave my butt a nice a nice attribute. The color was flattering with my tan. I felt sexy as freak.

OK, and I made it a point to walk across the room, across like in front of the TV and whatnot. Nothing guys. Nothing, nothing, nothing. But then I realized it wasn't me the problem because I I was conquering my monsters. I was conquering my demons. I was speaking to a counselor. I was working to make myself esteem better. I was pretty much doing everything I had to make myself feel better and get better in life and not be a bitch the way I had been in the last few years and work on my patients. So I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do but he didn't want yet I still felt like shit.

Does that happen to you? You know what, it's OK. I, I, I, it's, it's, it's not OK, but it's OK because at the end I got better and better and better and now I'm, I'm happy with me. I'm happy with me and you are going to be happy with you. So I know we talked about a lot of stuff today and I know the show is a little bit longer than usual so you can listen to it in two different parts, OK?

But I'm going to leave it at this right now, OK? And I would love for you guys to DM me or make a comment and ask me to get in touch with you or whatever, OK? And if there's something you want me to address particularly, we are going to do that. And everything stays anonymous. Don't worry about it. My mouth is shut.

Zip Labouch like my daughter would say. So guys, this is what I had for you today. I hope you enjoyed, I hope that you got a couple of pointers. I hope you got a little bit your mojo back and maybe not today, but maybe tomorrow. But it will happen guys, I promise. Like follow and subscribe on any platform you're listening to your podcast.

Make sure you share with sugar Berry, you share to the world. That way the algorithm knows that we are here to stay and help each other out the stroke survivor community. You can go ahead and download. It's not too late. Go in and and download so you can listen to it at your own leisure. Make sure in the comments you write PDF 20 for the 20 ways to say no without saying no.

You can also write PDF 10. Those are the 10 ways to regain emotional energy and the hand out the workbook. You can if you're you have aphasia and dysphasia and you want to have the cues for the non verbal, please write non verbal. That being said, this is our first of a series of 4 episodes on sex and intimacy after stroke. Guys, I love you immensely.

I believe in each and everyone of you, and if nobody told you today, well, let me be the first. I love you and you're good enough. You are beautiful and you are a bad ass. Have fun. You know what I mean? Wink wink. Bye.

S10E1: INTIMACY AFTER STROKE MINISERIE 1/4. Why is it so difficult.

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