S10E2: INTIMACY AFTER STROKE 2/4 MINIERIE. Emotional Healing...

0:00 My beautiful survivor is how are you? This is Karina, and I'm the host and creator behind this podcast. The show's mission is about moving forward past the events of the stroke and for you to realize that there is beautiful life to live after and your life is far from being over. In this particular safe space. I share all my tricks, hacks, how I got to survive this world as a stroke survivor myself.

0:27 You see, 27 years ago at the age of 25, I had a brain stem dissection that led me to coma and the Lachlan syndrome. But as you can see, I am here and I vowed to help my community of survivors. So this is exactly what I'm doing right now. Grab yourself a pen and paper because the faint is a pink is better than the best memory.

0:53 Come and join me here as we are recording today's episode. I'd like to do a little bit of clean house before I start and remind you that you can like, follow and subscribe on any platform that you're listening to your show. I also recommend that you share the podcast you share with Sugar Bear. That means that the algorithm is going to push the podcast and we're going to be able to help more people around the world. I also want to urge you guys to download the episode for a couple of reasons.

1:28 Well, the number one is that you can continue doing what you're doing around the house or just sitting and relaxing but listening to the show. Along the show, I ask you to take some notes or rhetorically answer some questions that you again might want to take notes on. By downloading the episode, it allows you to relax and next time do the work. How about that?

1:54 So it's a win win. I get downloads and you get to return to this as you are recovering and rehabilitating yourself. Well guys, today's show is going to be a doozy. Yes, ma'am. It's going to be the number two out of a series of four. We are talking about intimacy after stroke. Very, very important topic that very few talk about.

2:26 You guys have to remember that I was 25 years old. Luckily the stroke had not hindered my appetite to say the least, but it did hinder my body. It didn't. It did hinder my self esteem, my mind. I even had dysphasia at the time. So all this comes into play when you are a stroke survivor that has a spouse or that wants to maybe have an intimate life. But before we get into that, I need to tell you that before I even started contemplating of having this mini Serie, I kind of did a couple of polls on all the different Facebook group for stroke survivors.

3:21 My first go around was a big whopping 95% of the people said yes. Karina, please address this topic. It's good for me. It's good for my wife. Roll down the red carpet. But the second time around that I did the questions, only 50% answered yes. So that made me think of the other 50% that said not really. And I started reading comments and it was either I don't want him to touch me, I don't want her to touch me, I have other things to do.

4:11 And that to me was validating that I really, really needed to do this show. So along the way, we're going to talk about the importance of intimacy. We are going to talk about how intimacy affects the emotional healing, Yeah, a positive effect, and also the physical benefits of this. So you're not going to want to miss today's episode. Like I said, grab a pen and paper because this is going to be pretty interesting guys, and put the pause. Sorry, put the podcast on pause and I'll wait for you get what you need and I will be here when you come back. Before I officially start the topic today, I just had a flash in my mind of now I'm on season 10 of the podcast. We are on season 10 because

5:20 without you guys, there would not be any stroke survivors stroke surviving the odds. Sorry, my God, I'm looking for my words this morning. There would not be any stroke surviving the odds. So I'm very blessed and I don't want you guys to think that the show has changed context or my way of being with you. You guys fell in love with me and made me fall in love with me.

5:51 You guys showed me how to be. I'm still just as raw and authentic and me as I've always been, but when I started season 1 and season 2, it was all about self discovery for me and the show, even though it became quickly on the top 15 worldwide. The show was about you guys, about us as a community.

6:30 But I made it for me because I was tired of seeing therapists and doctors about all kinds, and I just wanted to go back to life. And I just figured I got all the tools that I needed throughout my life, throughout my stroke survivor life. Now it's time I put my big girl panties and I put into practice everything that I've learned in no particular order, no particular time.

7:03 I just do it. Fast forward to now, season 10. The show has a different tone. I know because I am so passionate about the topics, about everything we talk about. And I know this because I have been in your shoes. I've only been in the stroke game a little bit longer than you, but I've been in your shoes.

7:34 I've had all the same fears. I still have some fears. I still have a lot of discomfort. I just deal with it. I adapt, I accept, but it doesn't mean I'm happy about it. But isn't that what I talked to you guys about? Doesn't this reassure you that everything I talk about, I only do so if I know what I'm talking about because I've lived through it and I am living through it.

8:10 So that I don't know. I've been in the week of reflection. I think the New Year's is coming up and Oh my gosh. So I think this episode and this topic for the month of December is really appropriate. Maybe in the past year you have not wanted to address maybe what has to be addressed, the elephant in the room.

8:44 Not that you had a stroke. We know you had a stroke. Your caregiver knows, your partner knows. But the elephant in the room is how you feel about it and how you communicate about it. So when you're intimate, a lot of communication and a lot of non verbal communication comes into play. And if you're like me and you had dysphasia and your voice is very high or very unaudible, very it, it can be a turn off for you.

9:24 So that's why I came out with the intimacy subject and I also have a handout for you guys. Non verbal. The non verbal cues how you guys can be intimate, not sexual. Intimacy means into me. I see. So whether you have a partner or not, it doesn't make a difference. Intimacy starts within. A lot of emotional healing happens.

10:02 Intimacy can be a look, a touch. A little bit of flirting doesn't hurt anyone. And maybe you're telling me, Karina, I don't feel like flirting. I feel, I feel like shit. I look like shit. I don't want to do this. Well, you see, that's a problem. When we have a stroke, we think that the world revolves around us and we become the survivor and we become the fighter and some become the victim. But in reality, when we have a stroke, guys, I learned the hard way that it's not only us, it's our partners as well. It's the whole wide world around us that is affected by the stroke, not just you, not just me. So it's important to bring back if you're not going to be having sex, you want to and you adore

11:04 your partner or you still love them. You're just in a wacky place right now. If you're uncomfortable, guys, I promise they're going to be uncomfortable too. But what makes a big difference is how you deal and how you see yourself now. I mean, I still walk with a limp. I still have a hard time talking.

11:35 You can hear me now. I, I, I, I have a hard time talking. My mouth is full of cramps, believe it or not. But you know what? I I have so many other qualities. And guess what? I think you have so many qualities. You might be an amazing cook even though you might have only one hand and maybe you're in a wheelchair and you can still rock a freaking dish.

12:10 There's so many apparels in the kitchen, so how about you get into intimacy going with your partner by cooking a little something, even if it's a toast with peanut butter. Never mind. That's like a child's easiest food to make, but it's the best in the world. I love my peanut butter. And you make it in the shape of a heart because you take a cookie cutter in the middle.

12:42 Those are little attentions that maybe you did before when you guys were lovers when pre stroke. And now everything has changed. Why? We all have an inner child guides. It's funny. I'm talking about peanut butter cookies and in the child. But we all have an inner child guides. And you know how I've said many times before that we regress when we have a stroke and we kind of go back into that childhood?

13:19 Well, if, if a child was next to you and they hurt themselves physically or even emotionally, even if you have a teenager next to you and they are going through puberty and they don't like themselves, what are you going to do? Are you going to bash on them? Are you going to tell them they're worthless and their pain is is is not important?

13:52 Or are you going to kiss the Boo Boo and hug the child when they're younger and cradle them and kiss the Boo Boo? Well, that's kind of what you have to do with yourself. You have to bring yourself in that space, even though you may not want to have SEX. We're not talking about that today. We're talking about releasing oxytocin, guys. We're talking about feeling happy and blissful inside. Did you know that you can also have an orgasm without even sex? Did you know that?

14:35 Don't ask me how I know, but I know you want to release those happy, those happy hormones, those happy drugs inside of you that are going to create that bond between you guys. The emotional healing also happens because there's less anxiety, even if it's only for a moment. I'm not kid. A couple of minutes, for the first time in a long time, you felt like you again.

15:17 Maybe if you're a caregiver listening to this, you go. You go behind your spouse, man or woman, and you give them a hug and a pat on the butt. And if it's a woman, you grab her boobies. Nothing sexual is happening, but you're making her feel good. You are making yourself feel good. What if you go behind your man and you grab his crotch? I have a secret for you guys.

15:48 I, I, I mean, I have a secret to tell you. Well, once I tell you, it won't be a secret anymore, but you know what I mean. My boyfriend is not a stroke survivor, but he's going through stuff right now. He doesn't want sex. He's like he is the furthest thing from his mind. But he wants to know that I still love him, that I still want him, that I still think he's sexy even though he doesn't kind of have poor body image of himself right now. You see, even people that are not stroke survivors are dealing with this.

16:35 Having intimacy develops a bigger bond and also more trust between partners. And it's awesome for emotional recovery. You see, rehab is the physical. You're doing things to help your body, your mind, your soul. It's the action of doing something, but recovery is the process of it's doing. Recovery is a choice, guys, Why do you choose? You choose to just be, Just be, or do you want to be? That's what I want to know.

17:19 Intimacy starts within the guys, one step at a time, 1 moment at a time, one look at a time. You know, I know people that go to parties together and I'm talking about couples and they look at each other from across the room and it's like it's electrifying where they, they're not in the love of the way they look or they, they both gained weight.

17:54 They both, they both have their, their quirks on their looks, but they love each other and they're attracted to each other. So when sex is off the table after stroke, guys, you might need to rely on this. So I prepare a handout for you guys if you want. It's a handout on non verbal cues that you that can help the both of you.

18:25 So you can go right ahead and comment NVNV and I will know what to send you in the description. I'm also going to be giving you all the ways you can get in touch with me if you have a question specifically and you want to ask. One of the most common question is physical. How do I get physical with my partner when my affected side is in the way?

18:57 Your affected side, honey Bunny, is not in the way your affected side is there. So example, I'm affected on the left, do you think I tried to use my left hand and piss myself off and start and get turned off because I can't do shit with my hand? No, I lie on my right, on my left and I use my operative side.

19:25 If you're a guy and you can't be on top anymore, well maybe this time you need to start being underneath huh? And let the girl do a little bit of work. I mean, I've never been a girl on top kind of person, but apparently now I'm becoming one. OK. When there's a will, there's a way guys. But your brain is limiting your body from feeling.

19:55 And when I'm talking about feeling, I'm not talking about sex here. I'm just talking about period. Like feeling touch guys, put your hand on a hand. A bum. Bum that you are denying this from yourself. And on the physical aspect of things, a lot of people told me, Karina, I don't have the balance. And yeah, that was one of the most common things was the balance equilibrium.

20:30 We know that. Guess what? Not a problem. When I started yoga the first time after stroke, I could not do I I stood in the middle of the room guys, and I tried to do everything that I had to do and I sucked. So what did Karina do? I rolled myself in a little ball for the next hour and I lied on my mat and I cried silently. What really why did I do this to myself? So I was traumatized by that.

21:08 A few years after I tried to go back to yoga. But this time around, guess what I did? I would be one of the first ones to go in the class. Find a spot by the window seal and the wall in the back. So whenever I could do things I, let's say like stretch my back or do the chair with my legs or something, I would lean against the wall. Everything else I do it lying down. That's one of the things and that's why I got to experiment and experience life after stroke. When there's a will, there's a way, guys. So on the physical aspect, definitely, definitely improve circulation.

22:06 Again, I can't put my legs on like straight up ever, never, never even to exercise because they're too tense. They're both of them. OK, I'm spastic on the left and the right one becomes so tense because it's overworked. But guess what? Being having intimacy boosts my mood and my energy gives me That little spunk in my step might even reduce my tension for a moment.

22:44 I will not feel how my back and my neck are tense. And I don't know about you, but when I've like lately I've been falling asleep with my boyfriend and I sleep better because we have this flirty thing. We have this intimacy. No TV, no radio. We sit, we sit on the couch. We have a glass of wine and we talk and talk and talk and we flirt and we hold each other's hand and we talk.

23:21 And you're like Karina, we're talking is an intimacy. Oh, yes, it is, baby. Oh, yes. And we talked about the grandkids and all kinds of stuff. Everything under the moon. That's intimacy, guys. OK. And you know what? Please have fun with it. Don't be embarrassed. If you're embarrassed, they're going to be embarrassed and then nobody's going to win in there, OK? You got to trust yourself.

23:55 You got to trust the process. We can't go back. We can't go back to not having the stroke. We've had it, it's done. Now the question is, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to stay in MOW or are you going to say Bombay shit? I'm going to try something that's I know this is kind of tough love. I'm practicing here because that's what I've done to myself over the years.

24:23 But I can also tell you that I have lived a lot and I want you to live a lot because I know how great it feels. Guys. That's what I have for you today, episode 2 of Syria 4 Intimacy after stroke. If you have any questions please reach out to me. I am not a therapist by all means but I am a girl that had a stroke at 25 and now I'm 52 and I know what it is to be a girl that had a stroke and is in menopause.

25:02 I also don't want to have sex sometimes, but I do need a hug. I do. I do wanna cuddle and sometimes it's even better. Give it a try, love you. Bye. Oh, good luck.