S11E5: HAVING A GOOD MINDSET after trauma IS A CHOICE.( guest, Helinka /,Serenity peace)

Hello beautiful survivors, how are you? This is Karina from Stroke Surviving the Odds, the podcast. For those of you who don't know me, I suffer a brain stem dissection, A coma, and a locked in syndrome. That was 28 years ago when I was 25. The mission of the show, you are at the right place because the mission is about moving forward, reclaiming your life, reclaiming your identity. And we focus a lot on emotional and psychological health and mindset.

So if you're watching this, you're most likely on YouTube. Make sure you subscribe because it's free, right? And if it's free, it's for me. So go at it and if not, the podcast will be on Spotify, iTunes and Apple Podcast where you can also like, follow and make sure you share the podcast. Today we have Serenity Peace and she is someone that I have met over the years that she's been a guest of mine a little while back. And you know what?

Just life was going so fast that I want serenity, peace, which inspires serenity within, right when we hear that name, we have no choice to feel good. So let's thank her. I really want to thank you for accepting the invitation again. Now you are welcome. It's brilliant to be within your audience. Thanks for asking.

Thank you, of course, thank you anytime. I want you to come over anytime. And Serenity is the surprise guest. She also wasn't in the books this week, but I just thoroughly enjoyed our first conversation that I wanted to make sure she is back. And today we are going to be talking about how life has ups and downs. Definitely.

And what's going on in her life and how is she making it happen? The good, the bad, the ugly, and fixing it all. Nice salad. So I'm going to give you the floor and it's all yours. Well, what would you like to know? I mean, since we last talked, I. Well, like, like we had talked about what? We had talked about serenity. It's about how have you been doing when you have? Because first of all, tell us who you are, a brief history of what you've gone through.

Very brief. Some people know that you know what you're talking about. How about that? Let's start at the beginning. OK, I can do that. I'm Helen Kakar and I had bowel cancer in 2013 when I was diagnosed. And unfortunately due to the treatments and such of it, else it's left me with a stoma or anostomy. And that is where you have a bag stuck on your tummy that collects your output.

And the emotional and psychological effect of having this is massive, you know, but you move forward with it. How did you, well OK, before going into the how did you move forward? Can you bring us back to when you had the diagnosis and it how it affected you and your family around you? To be honest and fair, when the first, because I'd gone in for the colonoscopy on my own and I just thought I'd have diverticulitis because that was in the family. So I thought that's only that.

So there's no big rush. But then to get told no, I'm sorry and I was told there and then you've got cancer. And then I had to go back home and actually then tell the family that's what I had. I just went straight into fight mode because I need to protect my family because I knew that the NHS in the UK, they would look after me but I knew they wouldn't have the time for my family because obviously it's just just a massive problem, isn't it?

So I made sure that all the family and friends and such knew and I asked them to step up for my family so that I could then concentrate on myself but still be right and good for them. So what I first did until surgeries and such. So now that you've had the diagnosis, you went through the operation, what's gone through what transformation?

Not only physical transformation, right? You went through a psychological transformation before becoming the superwoman and getting back on track. Meritable through. Absolutely. And I have, I have said this before, but I don't think I said it on the last podcast that I did have a very dark day when I would just everybody had gone back to work.

I was waiting for the reversal of the Stormer. And I just had a day when it just, you know, you just got this overwhelming rush of what you'd actually gone through. I think the fight, I wasn't on a fight day. I was on a just a day that just, I would just felt absolutely totally overwhelmed by it all. What we'd all gone through, how everybody had moved back on, they were back at work and they were getting on with whatever they were doing and I was still sat at home with this bloody bag stuck on me and just feeling rubbish. Unfortunately, fortunately on that day I was getting a delivery of stock.

I didn't know I was getting a delivery of stock, but the guy had been a few times and he'd gotten to know me and such ever else. And he just saw me face and he just says let me in because he knew I was that low. I was ready just to say there's the door, I'm going. I'd had enough. But by the grace of everything he was there to say where having a cup of tea and we're going to sit down and he spent 20 minutes with me even though he was delivering everywhere else. He spent that time with me just talking about anything and everything.

Not talking about the bag, not talking about my family, not talking about anything, just to bring me back down. So then I got back into fight mode and it were like, this is not getting me and just crept on. But yeah, I have had that once really, really bad time. But do you feel? Guilty. Do you feel guilty when you have a bad day still?

There are times when you know, because you all know yourself, there's days when you've got to have a rest day. As much as you don't want that rest day, as much as you have fought and fought and fought, your body will go. You are having a rest day. Like we we're currently away at the moment. So I'm somebody who'll get up in the morning, get fed out the door and do 5 or 6 different activities on that day, come back, go to sleep.

So I know when I get home I'm going to have a day when I'm going to drop. But I look at what I've done, I've done a hell of a lot, so I can understand why I'm going to have a drop day when and I can do nothing but sleep, rest and just sit there and we all. Have to do nutrition. I'm sorry to interrupt you. How's nutrition?

How is that important when we are recuperating from something so big? I think it depends because obviously if it may, I can't eat just fruit and veg on their own. I used to love eating, you know, a plate of, you know, if you go to a carvery where you can have your little bit of meat and then you can have as much vegetables as you'd like and see I used to be like that, but I can't do that anymore.

I've got to have carbs because if I eat that's going to sound really gross, but if I, if I'm eating just vegetables whilst I'm eating, it's out. It goes through my system so fast so I can't get all the nutrition from it. So I I have to plan and and put some structure into the food that I am eating so that I can have the vegetables and that I can have the fruit. So I have to make sure that I eat carbs first to slow me traction down and then get efficient from. But if if there is lack in then worse comes to you just take vitamins and mineral tablets on top just. Two.

Which one in particular? For me at the moment, daft as it sounds, is vitamin DI cannot. My body does not process vitamin D and I don't understand why, absolutely no idea why it doesn't. But everything else, it can process everything else really well, so I'll make really. But not vitamin D yet Vitamin D is prescribed to so many people to bring them back up. Like I just got the news when my friend was diagnosed having beginning of multiple sclerosis and has done a few injections of vitamin D and yet the lesions have shrunken and the diagnosis is borderline taken off the table at this point. And I remember my mom also taking vitamin D injections. So for some people it's great.

But for you, because of your stoma, because of your enduostomy, you have to be careful of what you eat, right? Yeah, absolutely. You've got carefully, you've just got to plant it a bit more. So like if I'm, I'm like I said, I'm having a lot of vegetables, I've got to have some carbs. I've got to have the potatoes, which I don't particularly like and I don't particularly want, but so that then it'll slow my body down so that you can then process the vegetables properly and I get the. New How do you feel about sugar or sweets? Ice cream, Ice cream, that's my biggest, weakest. If I see Ice Cream parlour, I'll go. We'll go in there and we'll go.

But it's too. Cold for an ice cream it's never too cold for an ice cream, it's never too I. Love it. Ice cream? Yes, absolutely. So now we talked. So now we talked about how to uplift ourselves when we're in a downer one. I the, the, the fact that you had that talk moment with the man, with the delivery man that knew you. And so basically what I'm understanding is talk therapy, right?

And if it's a friend of yours, or even if it's your dog, it becomes therapy. It's yeah. I think it's what people have got to understand is what do you want from the conversation? Do you want somebody just to listen to you just so you can sound it all out and that you then you can process it as you're actually talking about it, which really works? Or are you one of these people who wants to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it till then you realise what the problem is?

Or do you want a coach like me, a therapist like me who will listen to you and go, hang on a minute. You've said this to me. Are you meaning that you know, rather than because I know you can get some therapists and they will listen and listen and listen. I, I'm not that kind of person. I will listen to you.

Obviously I'm going to listen to you, but I'm going to draw the line and go, You're actually saying this to me? Is this right? It'll say yes. Are you ready to move on? Because I want people to move on quickly. I don't want them to be set up on the couch for three months and not actually have achieved a great deal. I want people.

To have. Achieved a hell of a lot. I want them the first session they're going away with a tool to either learn to calm down, learn to accept where they are. I mean, forgiving your body, that's a massive thing. And people forget that your body has gone through hell and back, whether it's through a stroke or whether it's been through, you know, some brain injury or whether it's you know, heart attack or whatever, your body has still gone through crap as well. It's not just your emotions, it is your body and it's then forgiving it, acknowledging it and saying I'm. Really sorry, being fair with the recovery, being fair with the recovery and giving it time.

But I love what you're saying that you will listen to people because I think that I'm like that too with my clients. I obviously listen, I anchor myself, but there comes a time. Do you want to just vent or do you want to know how you might be able to fix it when you're ready, When you are ready?

Yeah, I think sometimes though, you've also got to look at the person and go, why are you here and actually ask that question? Because I, I don't want people to be seeing it and seeing me and seeing me and thinking, well, this is a waste of money. I'm getting nothing from it. So I will actually then.

Say I agree. I totally agree. You are very proactive. You're a very proactive woman. I got to know you, but just by if someone just hears you now for the first time, they get it just by you're like that. Follow the ball already follow the ball. Yes, absolutely. Tell me also, we talked about, OK, now some sort of talk therapy or journaling helps also to sound out the clutter. From there, just letting it out.

We talked a little bit about nutrition, vitamins, what works for you? Ice cream makes everybody happy, Sleep, sleep. What is your take on sleep and recovery Right well. I. Just like I said to you just before the interview, I've just, I've given in and have gone on to HRT and I have resisted from the 13 years and I've got to a point where I I just can't manage. So I've given in and gone, right? Give me the HRT and with that I am getting the best sleep I have ever had and I'll such a long, long time. I can go and once I'm comfortable, that's it for five hours.

I do not move. It's essential to get that proper well rested sleep, quality sleep. It's invaluable. A big difference, yeah. That's when your body heals and it's also gives your brain chance to process what it's gone through that day. It gives the brain chance to sort of start, start, and if you don't need to be stored, then just to Chuck the damn thing out and go, well, we don't need that, so let's move on.

So it's not just about putting your head on the pillow and sleeping or not getting any good R.E.M. rapid eye movement, right? It's about it's no, that's what you want. You don't just want to put your head on the pillow. You're, I don't know if you know this, but your camera is cutting when you and I talk the video.

When I see the video it works fine, but when I'm filming it cuts. So did you tell me that you are taking a sleeping supplement? No, I'm on hormone replacement therapy. OK. OK. Thank you. That's. Giving me, you know what, I think I'm going to talk to my doctor about that. But it does make a big difference when you just sleep or when you have a good sleep and in the morning.

Come on. Sorry. I, we, we, we just go back and forth, back and forth. Tell me in the morning when you wake up, do you ever say that was a good night's sleep? Do you ever do that? I do now. I really do. Now I can wake up and think, yeah, I can. I can tackle today. I've got the energy, I've got the think better. I don't have foggy brain anymore. That's amazing.

I've had foggy brain for years. I don't have it now. So that makes. A big difference. Oh, I know. We don't all want to be constantly on medication. We don't always want to be trying, you know, going on to the prescribed stuff, but there are times when you've got to just hands up and go, yeah, I think I do need this. I need to look at this.

I need to, you know, see what works best for me because I like I say, I did 13 years of taking diuretics so that my hot sweats. Would so they'd. Pass faster and such, but it got to a point where it didn't work. So it was like, I've now got to seriously look at. The weather is bad where you are, eh? The weather is bad where you're at. Yeah, at the moment it is.

It's not the best. Because it's bad. You too. So that's probably why we're having a bad connection. But it's good anyways. You come back all the time. Yes, I find that talking to yourself boost. I know I'm always talking to myself. You get that I? Know I'm always talking to myself for something in the sense like I think it's positive reinforcement because when you say I had a good or this was so good, like such good food or I really slept well, that is positive reinforcement.

Reinforcement that prepares your mind for the next good thing that's going to be happening. And there are always good things that happen every day. There may be very small little things, but they are always there every single day. Like we said before, it can be something as simple as having a beautiful cup of tea. For me, a lovely, unique taste in ice cream. That's me.

I'm happy all day that, you know what I mean? It's the and that's what I think people forget. They think the IT has to be big grand gestures and such. No, it doesn't. It's a little thing I love. That I love that. That is a very good piece of advice. You are are in between the lines saying because we live in a society that that wants gratifications and that loves big gestures because everybody does big things. But while you're expecting big things, I'd like to have a mansion.

I live in a 4 1/2, right? I do it what I have, and I end up loving what I do in my bathroom, in my bedroom. I don't have big plush hotel stuff like some people have, but I make it. And you know what I love at the end of Wow, You know it's comforting. It makes you appreciate what you have, not what you don't.

You don't say I don't have this, I don't have that. It makes you appreciate what you do have. And I think that's the word it's appreciate and be thankful for. Not because like we said before about gratitude being such a big thing and it's overused and overworked and over overstated, but we need to look at the small thank yous of the day, like saying waking up and feeling I've rested, I've had a good night's rest thank you. Yeah, absolutely.

And like you say, it's the small things, it's the smallest things that'll that'll lift your mouth and the big grand gestures because it you wake. Up. So absolutely yes. To get. Out of it, I'll use a small example, Serenity. I started doing acupuncture at one point and I grabbed 3 glasses with my affected hands. And some people are going to say big whoop, but you know what, for me was huge because I was a waitress back then back in the day.

And for me it's and, and even now when I cater at home, when I have big gatherings at home, I like to be able to use my two hands and that was a huge accompl or opening the door. Yeah. Opening the door with my affected hand was huge. You. Stop pulling a piece of toilet paper. Yeah, stop comparing yourself to what other people around you are doing and what you did before. And I know that's really, really hard to do with. All that is, I think that is an ever, ever growing fight, you know, Did I tell you that I started volunteering in the rehabilitation centre?

No. I was going to ask about your volunteering actually, but no. That's thanks. It is so gratifying and so humbling. Yes. To see these people, it reminds me of where I was and where so many that I love were that that I grew to love in the community and how independent and the the me I want to fix it. Yes, I want it, you know, but but at that time you just let them go.

They are going to figure it out and if they need me, they know I'm there. But it is just I look at them in in awe and I go actually I'm volunteering in the rehabilitation center that I was in 28 years ago. So not only do I get to see the, the clinic, the clinic, well, clinical side of things, how it has evolved, but also to just sit there and I'm there to help at lunch or supper or both.

And I, I just assist make sure that if someone happened something, I'm there, you know, somebody's there. And I just, I just love it. I leave feeling so my heart is full. And I think as well though you're also, people can see that you have moved forward, you have because you've been there, done that, got the T-shirt kind of thing. They can see there is progress to be made and it's remembering. That I hope, I hope that people get that, to be honest, to vanity.

And I think I'm gonna get a T-shirt. When I. Go there. I was, I, I was here 28 years ago when I had a stroke, you know, I was a patient here or something. Because they see that obviously and physically there's something different. Some ask, some don't ask, some are. So obviously we are all enveloped in ourselves when a stroke hit.

Yes, it's, it's so new that, you know, we, we, we, we, we, we kind of go around with our blinders on and we just try to focus on us. But really when we look at everybody, I'm in awe. I'm in awe. And I think as well when people are going down with the blinkers on, which I understand at first you might need to do that, but in the long term it's not the best way to heal.

It's not for me. It's you've got to look at right. It's like with this, obviously I've got the bag stuck on the tummy, but that is not me. That is a bit of me. That's a part of me, but it's not really. Cutting Serenity, You're really cutting. Like, I haven't heard you in like half a minute. Oh, sorry.

It's like, well, it's like you're saying it's you. Whatever you've gone through is only part of you. It's not all of you. And it's remembering that there's don't focus on the illness. Don't focus on what you can't do. Focus on what you've what, what you've learned today, what you've, you've been able to do today.

Not just I can't, you know, I can't pick up as many glasses as what I did before. Like you said, when you're waitressed and such. But that's not the point. You can't pick the glasses up. So you have to walk 2 times to get everything to in one place. It doesn't matter. You're getting your steps in. That'd be me.

I'll get my steps in here. I don't have to go out. You know, it's, it's that you've got to turn. You've got to reframe how you're thinking and reframe that. Yeah, it's a life changing and a horrific thing that you've gone through, but it's not all of you. There's much, much more about you and within you.

That's very that's very true. You keep cutting and serenity, it just keeps on cutting. So it's OK. I think that what you just said I did here, OK, that it's not all about you and you gotta keep an open mind and you gotta take those blinders off and eat some ice cream. Absolutely. So I love it. I love it. I love it.

So what's your favorite kind of ice cream, by the way? Licorice. Licorice. Yeah, I never had liquid ice cream. Oh, you're missing out. You're missing out. I love liquor. Do you mean like Sambuca? No licorice, just that must. Be so good, I'm going to try to find it here in Montreal. Yeah, see, I can't eat licorice now. You know it's a licorice sticks.

You know the black licorice sticks you buy the sweet shops. I can't eat that anymore because it's a laxative. But I love licorice. But I can eat it in ice cream. Awesome, awesome. OK, before we cut up again, OK, I want to thank you Serenity for always being there, always supporting all when I post something and always, always have positive notes to say guys, I want to remind you to like follow, subscribe, hit that little bell on YouTube that is free when things are free, go ahead and do it.

It's you know what there's, there's many ways of healing, but one of the bestest ways of healing is by giving. And when you share, you are making other people have success in their endeavours. And we are just trying to work amongst us survivors of all kinds. We are just trying to make a difference and be there for each other and provide help and support and listen to to to everybody. So by sharing, you're allowing this to just go on and go on and take it forward.

That being said, this is Karina from stroke surviving the odds. Did you want to say something? Says Serenity. And I think as well though, when you're looking outside of you, you're healing more rather than looking in with you. So like you're saying, sharing and thinking, oh that, that's a really useful point. That's something I can talk to people about. And I have some positive conversations with people like I've learnt this today.

And I found that so helpful. What do you think you know? And it's not all about your recovery. It's all about what you've learnt and what you can share with anybody and I love. What you just said, you're raking up, but I love what you just said. What do you think that opens up a conversation and that brings a lot of warmth and a lot of people don't have conversations.

They don't have people to talk to. But don't. You open the. Like you say, it's asking open questions, and I know for a lot of people that's quite hard, but you've got to remember the world doesn't revolve just around you. And I know that sounds a little bit hard and a little bit focused, but you do have to get out of your way sometimes and think of others and include, I mean, immediately random stuff it is.

Kind of hard what you just said, but you know what? It is so true. And in my language, I say shit or get off the pot. Yeah, do something about it. And do when you do something about it, Sometimes you got to get out of your own way. Yeah, very much so. And like you said, though, it's that you can't afford to be blinkered. What are you missing by just being blinkered? You know what I mean?

There's so much like you say, it's seen an unusual bird in the garden. That's that's something great. And you know something you and I think as well, though not talking just about you, because people do with the best love in the world get Hacked Off of hearing how just you are not what you think, not what you've learned.

And that's what people want to see because they can see you then moving forward and progressing. You're so right, and you as well. You're a big, big source of inspiration in your part of the world. I'm sure you're making a huge difference. But like you said, we've we've to break down the barriers, haven't we?

We've got to take both subjects and make them not to Boo, not to make them put up a stigma. That's not what it's about. Yeah, I love that you started with what it's about and then you end up with don't do that. I like that. I like that. OK, Listen to vanity. I love you and I love my audience and our audience together, you and I. However, you are breaking up and I barely hear the leftovers of you.

I just catch here and there and I'm figuring it out. So I am going to let you go and I'm going to try a different platform next time you and I come on. That way it won't hopefully break. Sounds good. It does, but like you say, I'm in the Lake District, but Internet's not the best and I'm on my phone, so maybe that's why we've got these problems.

But it's great to. Talk to you. You're on vacation somewhere, Yes. Here we are. Thank you for taking the time with me. It's a pleasure, absolute pleasure. I love you. It's breaking up now, is it? I'm gonna let you go, OK. And we'll definitely talk soon. Love you. Thank you. And to you guys, my viewers and my listeners, I love you just as much, if not more, because I'm making a big salad of all the survivors and all the colors and the flavors and everything you still want.

I'm. I'm hungry with this ice cream now.

S11E5: HAVING A GOOD MINDSET after trauma IS A CHOICE.( guest, Helinka /,Serenity peace)

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