Strawberries and Phajaan | Below Deck S13 E4

0:00 Fraser has a chat with Kerry. He goes, hey, these fucking pieces of shit. These trash rat fucking pieces of shit.

0:08 Now that he's taken on this persona, I want to be.

0:11 It's not that he's taken on the persona. This is who Fraser is. He was masking it when he was a newbie, okay? Now he doesn't have... He can bloom into himself.

0:23 I want to be a chief studio. Oh yeah. Me too.

0:27 Oh, look at these pieces of shit. Hello.

0:48 Can you do, uh, can you do love it? Can you say hi to everybody?

0:53 Hello.

0:55 That's it? That's all you got? I'm John Lovett.

0:58 I'm John Lovett.

1:00 Welcome to Bad TV. We are here to break down Bravo's spiciest nautical programming. That's below deck. We're in Phuket. What's up? Oh, did I sit up too much? All right.

1:14 Permission to come aboard.

1:15 Granted. We're in Phuket. Today's episode was magnificent. We're going to literally talk about the entire thing, tip to tail. It's kind of what we do. But before we get into any of that nonsense, why don't you tell them what's at Patreon?

1:29 Well, we got a lot of stuff behind the paywall. We have Love is Blind. We're just wrapping that up. We are going to, if you show up there now, we have the last three episodes before the wedding.

1:37 Yeah, big couple episodes because we had a big dumb drunk get really aggressive with a lot of people.

1:43 His name's Rob. We're in Boston.

1:44 Yeah. Yeah, he's an asshole.

1:49 We cover that.

1:52 Yeah.

1:52 Then we have Salt Lake City, Real Housewives. If you're not a Salt Lake City fan or Real Housewives– I just.

1:57 Hate him so much.

1:58 I know.

1:58 I understand that.

1:58 I went into a hole.

2:00 I understand that. But he's pretty much like everybody that I was around when I lived in Boston.

2:05 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just full of beans and chowder.

2:08 And piss. Uh-huh.

2:09 Yeah.

2:10 All right.

2:10 We're also doing– salt lake city well i just said that oh did you really yeah and then uh really.

2:15 Yeah and then next week is our triumphant return to another podcast show and boy do i have a bunch of stuff.

2:22 To catch my wife's car was stolen this morning it was yeah yeah.

2:26 We got a lot of stuff to talk about um and pmc's coming back so go there patreon.com another podcast network kaylin is here he's uh He's got a podcast, too, where he recaps all.

2:40 Of the best episodes of Hemp My Ride.

2:44 Oh, my God. I love that show.

2:45 Yeah.

2:45 It's called West Coast Customs with Kalen Bean. So check that out.

2:49 Well, let him say hello. People love his hello. Say hello.

2:55 I didn't mean to harmonize. No, I liked it.

2:59 Yeah.

2:59 Some people would say step and other people would say harmonize. Okay.

3:03 All right.

3:04 You're Charles Manson, and I'm– who's the good beach boy? The one that went crazy? Brian Wilson?

3:11 Brian Wilson.

3:12 Yeah, okay. All right, so we have an episode of Below Deck to get into pots, knots. I'm going to go first. I love this episode because it was the perfect– It was just a perfect slice of thrusting incompetence upon the wealthy. It's why we love this show. It is a just honey bucket, a Winnie Pooh honey bucket of joy every time we see awful people try to cut corners on a vacation and act like they're robber barons, okay?

3:54 You are going to be served by Rainbow, who is British sometimes and sometimes not. You are going to have a bosun who is literally losing straps that secure other vehicles to the vessel. You're going to have Kaylee, who is breaking down in tears over the thought of said half-British person sitting next to her boyfriend, who's not a boyfriend.

4:12 You have Fraser calling everyone disgusting pieces of shit. And you have Moe, who is... In the jungles of Nam upstairs, serving strawberry jam to people with allergies. I thought it was a great episode. Poor Carrie.

4:25 I know.

4:26 Poor Carrie.

4:26 Yeah, I was going to say, by the way.

4:28 17.

4:28 That was Mo's third time serving strawberries, I believe, on a single chart.

4:32 Yeah, yeah. I hope we get to talk to Mo. I think we will. One of our questions will be, were you trying to kill her?

4:40 Okay.

4:41 We're not, you know, you're not in an interrogation or anything. We're just trying to have a conversation. Were you trying to kill her? He may have been. 17 pots. Go ahead.

4:52 Well, I often– this is like the second time happening. Last season we had some charter guests. One of the charter guests were really pissed off at Nate who I believe is still on the run. And he wanted to punch Nate in the face because he said Nate was.

5:06 Can you give us any updates on Nate?

5:09 I don't think he's been found yet.

5:11 He's still in the forest, huh? So– How do you bring that much– canned meat and beans into the forest.

5:20 What does he eat? I don't think you have to live like that. I think he's probably walking among us and he's just like in a country where he can't be, I mean, they're not gonna extradite him.

5:29 Afghanistan. You think?

5:31 Yeah, I do. I do.

5:33 Wow.

5:35 He's herding sheep.

5:37 He's a Bedouin now. Oh my God.

5:41 He might be working with the CIA. I don't know.

5:42 That's crazy.

5:43 It is crazy. Yeah. But, uh, my point is, is that, um, uh, those people that, uh, wanted to punch Nate, um, they left a tip of $ 50, 000. Now they looked like jerks and they acted like jerks, but perhaps they were disappointed by the, um, the execution of the service because maybe they generally, uh, charter yachts and are, their expectations a little bit higher.

6:10 How many drinks have you had today?

6:11 Uh, I've had one.

6:13 Oh, Okay, please hop aboard.

6:19 Yeah, exactly. Well, that's what they're used to. And this time they got to sit down and shut up. It's like, excuse me, I'm going to tip you $ 50, 000. Don't talk to me that way. Yeah, sit down and shut up. I'm going to beat the fuck out of you. And that's how that went. Well, anyway, this time I absolutely hated, in particular, Milani. And at some point, Carolyn, the primary, had to tell her, when you– wasn't that the meeting with Frazier and Moe? You might not talk to them nicer.

6:48 Do you mind?

6:49 Do you mind?

6:51 So I hate Milani.

6:53 When she is talking to Fraser, I am blown away by people that speak to people like this.

7:01 They do. I agree.

7:02 It is so crazy to me.

7:04 But had they known that they were going to tip them $ 33, 000, might you have stepped up a little bit?

7:10 I'll pull my pants down. You can do whatever you want.

7:12 That's what I was going to say.

7:13 If you want to touch me.

7:14 A little bit.

7:14 Yeah.

7:15 Not a lot. A little.

7:19 Exactly. Anyway, I love it. I'm John Lovett. I'm ready to get into the show. 14 dots.

7:24 All right. So they have dropped the jet ski strap. Now this is a strap. Kayla, I'm not sure. Uh, do you have any, is he in the forest or is he in Afghanistan working with the CIA?

7:33 Well, um, so it seems that, uh, His mom replied to a post that Joe posted on Instagram. And his mom replied in the comments, you're a pussy. You know he's in Sydney, asswipe.

7:49 Oh, wow. We've got a Maeve Hattigan on our hands.

7:54 Joe the Ho has really been making a lot of hay out of this.

7:58 Joe won.

7:59 Well, he's talking to Gail now. Oh, is he really? Summarizing the conversation. It was a long conversation. We had a very, very long conversation. Don't go, Joe.

8:09 Joe!

8:09 It went on for hours.

8:10 Don't go. I'm not going anywhere, Mom. I'm right here with you.

8:16 Yeah, they drop the jet ski strap. Yeah, it goes to the bottom, and they try and do a decky dive down there. I guess they come up empty-handed.

8:25 Well, Matt says there's too much jellyfish and sharks.

8:28 Well, sharks in his mind. Oh, I moved, didn't I, Caleb? All right, I'm up, I'm up. I'm sorry, buddy. Okay, this is in an effort to make my chin look less fat. All right, so anyway. And then as far as Captain Kerry sees it, there's only one person to blame for this, and that is Alex.

8:47 Now, I got to tell you, I have gotten so fat. I'm doing this thing where I'm only eating two meals a day, but here's the thing. They can't both be 3,000 calories each, right? It's super counterproductive if you're eating like an elephant twice a day.

9:02 Twice a day.

9:02 You know what I mean?

9:03 Yeah, those are very convoluted kind of directions.

9:07 Mental gymnastics?

9:08 Yeah.

9:08 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fun. Everybody have fun out there on your health journey and just eat when you're hungry, right?

9:14 Right. But back to Alex. So today, a little sidebar. I'm at Walmart.

9:22 Right.

9:22 Where are you? Where is a Walmart?

9:25 Right down on Ventura and Vineland. I'm sorry.

9:29 Walgreens.

9:30 Walgreens. I need to buy razors. I walk in there. There's no one there to help me. I can't find anything because they steal everything. There's nothing on the shelves.

9:38 You're talking about the vegs?

9:40 The zombies.

9:41 Yeah.

9:41 So I see this little person walking around that's working there. And I'm thinking because he's- How little? He's like three feet tall. And I'm like, because he's little, I'm thinking, I bet this little guy has some more initiative. You know, I don't know. I thought that. So I go, uh, Hey, you.

9:58 Know you're dead wrong because they're often some of the laziest people on planet earth.

10:02 Let me finish the story so i go hey uh do you know where the razors are and he goes uh yeah uh the back of the store uh somewhere around there and then he um then he like walks off with those.

10:14 Little feet and i'm like you piece of shit you're as lazy as your taller counterparts and i'm like what the fuck is going on with society everyone's fucking lazy anyway my point is alex i think would fit in well at walgreens okay.

10:30 All right and i here's what happened so pat and i have been doing uh over the past couple days we've been doing a lot of patreon content And we're still in that kind of mode where we make fun of dwarves and stuff like that.

10:45 No, no, no.

10:46 I was close to saying that he was conserving his energy because he has to skip everywhere. I almost said that. It's like crazy. We got to fucking pull it together.

10:58 Let's pull it together. Let's come on.

10:59 Holy shit, man. Rainbow is checking on hornballs.

11:04 Well, she says, I'm going to attend to your every whim. As Frasier looks on, he points out how gross they are, and he's referring to the charter guests. I love it.

11:16 Yeah, he's 100% right. These people are disgusting, but they tipped okay. Elephant sanctuaries. Now, we're going to be taking the guests to one of the gems of experience that Thailand can offer. Oh.

11:33 What? Well, what's that gem? Fucking hanging out.

11:37 With the giants of this plane. I mean, I love elephants so much.

11:44 You know, elephants are.

11:45 Oh, here you go. You're going to fucking bum everybody out.

11:47 Well, Dylan, you know, are you familiar with the practice of Pajan? Elephants are wild animals.

11:53 Can I answer your fucking question if I'm familiar with the practice of Pajan?

11:58 Yes.

11:59 Caitlin, can you look that up? I don't even think that's a real thing.

12:01 P-A-G-J-A-A-N. Pajan. Okay. Elephants, if you'd come near them, they're wild animals, Dylan. They'd stomp on your fucking head. How do you think you get them to, I don't know, stand next to a bunch of human beings or let you get on top of them?

12:20 You reason with them.

12:22 No, you get them to submit. How do you do that with a fucking wild animal that could crush you at any time?

12:27 You reason with it.

12:28 No, you steal them when they're children from their mother as they cry for days. Is that right? Then you put them in a small cage for a year. You poke at them. You torture them until you get them to give up their will to live. And then once they're adults... Are you.

12:44 Saying that you do kind of like what Matt Damon did to the Mustangs and all the pretty horses?

12:49 Never seen the movie.

12:50 Oh, man. He pajanged him. Can you fact check this, please?

12:56 Yeah.

12:56 Pajon, known as elephant crushing or the training. A traditional and brutal method used to break the spirit of wild caught baby elephants for domestication, tourism, riding and entertainment.

13:09 So whenever you visit a place where you're going to get on top of a fucking elephant for fun. Just realized that elephant was taken from his mommy and used to– beaten down essentially his spirit. Yeah. And now he's there for you to be like on him like a fucking Disney park ride.

13:26 Right, for Instagram. It's so crazy though because the– my favorite ride at Disneyland is Dumbo. I love the agency you have over the up and the down, right? But those are plastic.

13:37 Those are plastic.

13:38 No, no, no.

13:39 That's different. Okay.

13:40 That's different.

13:41 That's different.

13:42 So you're saying Pajang is similar to what actual Dumbo goes through in Dumbo. You know, that's not a, that's not a tough road to how or what sunshines and rainbows.

13:53 Well, they don't fly Dylan.

13:54 All right.

13:56 Here's my point though. This thing, Lisa's, I think it's Lisa's elephant camp, a lot different than riding on the elephants. These are now free. They get to go down to the water.

14:05 Oh, okay. Well, what the fuck was the point of that whole tiger King thing that you just did then? You're just bumming me out, man, I have to say.

14:15 You asked me.

14:17 It's Friday. I didn't ask you.

14:19 Oh, that's why I'm going to drink a buzz ball.

14:22 Okay, so, and I've asked you, because they refused to sponsor the show, to not name them on the mic.

14:31 Sorry. I want to back up for a second.

14:34 If you're looking for a toxic sludge in a little plastic ball, get Big Zips.

14:39 Exactly okay big sips we're still uh entertaining you coming on as a sponsor yeah before they left kay kaylee tells rosa the reason james is acting weird is because he's got a fucking girlfriend on land waiting for him and then rosa tells us she's not gonna let this uh let her heart get pulled into this any further um i was thinking about this rosa has been a sea rats.

15:02 Always say they're gonna do shit or not do shit. And it's always the opposite of what they say. It's fucking crazy.

15:09 The words are meaningless. It's like writing a contract with Invisible Link.

15:15 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't see it. It's worthless. Okay, so Carrie is... Well, I want to get back to this elephant sanctuary, this pajanging kind of adventure, because Frasier is going to be bringing Kaylee with them. Kaylee... in Frazier's words, brings the vibes, which is one of the more important bullet points on a resume for a Sea Rat.

15:46 It's like, obviously, as you go higher up the ranks, there's a certain amount of competency that you have to have. But if you're just a low-lying Sea Rat, it's really just vibes. Look at Aisha promoting, what's her name, over... Kaylee! Kaylee was her name. It's just vibes. They're super important. Now, the guests leave the boat. Carrie says, double-check the bags. Okay, I want you to make sure that we didn't leave anything behind. Sure enough, we do leave stuff behind. More on that at 5 o'clock. But Rosa says that she doesn't need any help with the cabin. She's going to go on her own. And, you know, I want to bring this person up because I think that we have– I'm so sorry. Sorry.

16:31 What was that song?

16:32 Can I tell you what it is? I'll show you. It is. And I don't want to be judged on my algorithm. I have a lot of different accounts on this Instagram. It's not just my personal one. So I don't even know what this is, but it is a giant breasted woman without a brassiere on saying that she's not pro Democrat or pro Iran or pro Israel. I don't know what this stuff is.

16:55 Okay. All right. I thought you were going to say it was third eye blind.

17:00 And I got a lemon, man. I'm telling you, I just got this phone. It freezes all the time. I'm going to have to go into AT & T. Jeez, man. Anyways, one of our fans commented on an Instagram reel that Kaylin cut. Not our problem. Not our fault. With us lambasting Rainbow a bit. And you specifically saying that she belongs in a fucking straight jacket.

17:24 Kaylin. Yeah.

17:27 We're trying to be sensitive here, okay, man? Oh, yeah. Um, I want to find this person because.

17:33 Why are you looking for it?

17:34 Let me- Yeah, so sorry.

17:35 Okay.

17:35 Produce a little.

17:36 Okay.

17:36 So, um, after the guests depart, Rainbow and Rosa, uh, get to work and Rainbow has an interesting perspective on her rough start with Rosa that, uh, took place on that first charter. Yes. Uh, it's that Rosa is one of those, uh, sensitive types, you know, um, that you have to tiptoe around.

17:52 It's not, You catch more flies with honey than you do vinegar.

17:56 That's right.

17:57 And is that the correct expression? Are you trying to catch the flies?

17:59 I don't add the vinegar thing. I just say you catch more bees with honey.

18:04 It's not flies, right?

18:06 No.

18:06 Who wants to catch flies?

18:08 Well, you want to kill them.

18:10 Correct. This is from Christy.

18:15 Do we have a new segment called Insane Responses?

18:19 No, this is actually a really, really great comment. This is from Christy Glittertits. I don't know why I couldn't find this, but the reason why I found out was because it was a hidden comment. According to Instagram, this is just way too controversial to say. And that being, she is on the spectrum and can see herself in rainbow.

18:44 It's like Rainbow is very clearly, you know, a little bit different. And I've had this quandary levied at me before. I'm a kooky guy, so people have wondered if I'm a little tistic. Maybe Rainbow is just different, you know?

18:59 No, you smoke too much weed. I'm an alcoholic, and Rainbow is a whack job.

19:04 Okay.

19:05 Okay? I don't think she's on the spectrum at all.

19:07 I think I smoke the perfect amount of weed. I think that you drink the perfect amount of buzz balls, and I think that Rainbow is a bit of a whack job. Okay?

19:13 Okay.

19:15 So let's get to some deck stuff.

19:17 I want to point out with the deck stuff, the bag being left on the deck, when Captain Kerry says, are we sure, right? That's almost like daring you to fuck up, right? Like why wouldn't Alex do just a peripheral once around just– It's.

19:37 The I can't find that. OK, are you sure? Because I'm going to go look for it.

19:41 Right.

19:41 That kind of thing where you go, all right, I'm going to double check stuff here.

19:44 He's daring him to work at Walgreens.

19:48 With the Lollipop Guild. So Matt says, after they venture out, Matt says, essentially ignore what Alex is telling us to do with the slide. He's never worked with slides before and he's an idiot. And to be fair to him, I think he probably knows Good for us at the end of this episode, Alex regains a little trust from Carrie.

20:16 So that means more fanning this flame between the two of them, which is going to be good for TV. But at this point, I am like, I think Matt should probably just take over this boat. Alex is fucking up everywhere.

20:29 Well, how about in the middle of the episode when Matt's yelling orders at Justina to just pull up the anchor, but the boat's in his down there, like fucking... Pulling at the anchor still, that was a very dangerous order to put out there.

20:45 Yeah, he goes, just have his hands get ripped off. We got to take this ball down.

20:49 What I'm saying is he's dangerous and arrogant.

20:52 Well, so he has to drive the towels over and sprint down the dock to get them, said towels. They have to wait on him for like 15 minutes. And he gets his ass eaten by Carrie.

21:04 Can I say, we've gotten the privilege of speaking with Captain Carrie a few times. Love Captain Carrie. He is a lovely man.

21:11 Um, but I can mangroves him.

21:14 Sitting on that dock. Well, the, uh, charter guests who are already very annoying and judgy and picky and critique everything, sweating their balls off.

21:23 Yes.

21:24 So I can imagine how he feels out there waiting for fucking towels.

21:29 Yeah.

21:29 Um, okay. So this is a reference that is probably over a lot of people's heads, but in the eighties, uh, microwaves existed, but there wasn't microwave popcorn yet. There was this thing called Jiffy pop. Um, in which you put a thing of popcorn, aluminum, on top of a stovetop, and then it would slowly crackle, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, and then it would fucking explode. That's Captain Carrie's fucking head here. He's so pissed.

21:56 Yeah, Captain Jiffy Pop.

21:58 Captain Jiffy Carrie Pop. I've had a couple.

22:06 The perfect amount. Okay. Okay. So Matt gets back to the boat. We most said he needed discipline from the military. Okay. So Matt gets back to the boat. You won't even talk to Alex.

22:16 I'll tell you later after I drink, uh, uh, uh, take a piss. I just want to torture you for a little bit. I'll, I'll see you later.

22:24 Right, right, right. So, uh, they'll talk later. Now we get to Lily's and, um, Kaylee's having a great time. She's like, the elephants are amazing. Their mouths look like vaginas. It's all a lot of fun. And, uh, We get back to the boat. We bring the annoying charter guests back. And Kerry does some acro yoga with, I don't know, the one that kind of looks like.

22:50 Matthew Perry before he OD'd. Yes, 100%.

23:00 Right before he OD'd, though. A little waterlogged.

23:03 Yeah, exactly. He was under the pool for 20 minutes.

23:11 Fuck, man. It's a tough one. I can understand why we would get a review like, these people are very insensitive to Matthew Perry.

23:20 No, no, no. Actually, one was, can you believe the state of podcasting now?

23:24 And they're right about that.

23:25 I agree.

23:26 And they're just right about that.

23:28 Also, you don't have a sense of humor, you loser.

23:31 Well, you're right about that. Okay, so Matthew Perry did perish in after a long battle with drug addiction and just annoying the shit out of us with said battle, um, but you're not a fan of Matthew Perry.

23:45 No, he's a fucking liar. And why is this assistant in jail that you used to send to go do drug runs? And his parents are like, I'm glad he's in jail.

23:55 Uh, yeah.

23:55 How about the power dynamic of like.

23:58 His assistant went to jail for going to.

24:00 Get those 18 months. It's like, is anybody talking about that?

24:03 Like, That's so crazy.

24:05 Yeah. My wife fucking got fired from a job because she refused to go get drugs for a celebrity because I told her, I'm like, you're not doing that. And she's like, I know I'm not doing that. I'm like, tell her you're not going to do it. Three weeks later, we don't need you anymore.

24:20 I was.

24:21 And we just had the second baby. We could have used that money. So that's how that works in this town.

24:27 When I was a personal assistant to a quasi celebrity, he asked me to pick up cocaine for him. I said no. Then he asked me to pick up pharmaceuticals for him using a different name than mine.

24:41 Oh, that's what this was.

24:42 And I said no.

24:43 Yeah.

24:43 You got to stand your ground with these freaking Palisades livers.

24:46 That's why I'm like grossed out by Matthew Perry.

24:48 Palisades livers? Did I say that? And prayers to the Palisades. I mean, have you been?

24:55 It's back up.

24:57 Okay. So– You remember last week when I told you about acroyoga and how it's usually a coxman's racket to get pussy?

25:06 Well, I don't know if you cited that specifically as an acroyoga.

25:12 Yeah, I said that.

25:12 Is it an actual art form?

25:14 I wouldn't say art form.

25:17 It's a racket to get pussy. Okay.

25:20 Okay. It's a practice. I think people actually do do this.

25:24 They do do this. Okay, I thought this was a guy trying to get this off the ground to make it a thing.

25:28 No, no, no. This is a thing. People will spend too much on rent on Cahuenga Boulevard or Tujunga, right? And then they'll have six customers and then it'll last about six months. But it is a real thing. But in this, Kerry says that he experienced some intimacy. And this is where I was telling you last week, this is a racket. So imagine Carrie's a woman, actually, and you're kind of lurching her forwards to your face and your feet are on her butt and stuff like that.

26:01 Oh, my wife told me when she was going to SoulCycle, it would be a dude. And these dudes, it's all females doing SoulCycle. Yeah. And the dude would be like pumping the music. And he's like, all right, girls, start fucking jumping up and down like you're fucking hopping on a cock. Like, no joke.

26:18 Was he gay?

26:19 Well, no.

26:21 Had to be. Okay, so Alex is planning, maybe not had to be, but likely.

26:26 Or maybe not. Or maybe not.

26:29 All right, Alex is planning a redemption tour. More on that at five. Let's get to the birthday dinner planning. This is where the primary tells Kookaburra.

26:39 She said.

26:40 Tone it down a little bit.

26:41 Tone it down a little bit. It will come up, yeah.

26:43 So.

26:44 You know, which is an odd thing to have to remind a six-year-old how to behave.

26:49 Yeah. She's cooked, as the kids would say. She tells Mo, Americans say it's too salty. Italians say it's delicious. Go to fourth, fifth gear with the salt.

27:01 Whoa.

27:02 Then. How about cake?

27:04 Oh, cake's disgusting. We're not in the French Revolution. Oh, I'm not studied. Yeah. Okay.

27:11 So it's just so odd to me. For a person to go, what is this, the French Revolution? Like you don't know this person. They're in service to you, for you.

27:25 Just say no cake.

27:28 Say I'm not the biggest fan of cake. Is there any way we could do a cheese course, right?

27:31 Mm-hmm.

27:32 Okay. Yeah. The extra information is to say I am educated. You are not. Yeah.

27:38 And speaking of how educated you are, name a year. When did it take place, nutbag?

27:45 Just one year.

27:46 You don't have to say exactly when it started. Just give me roughly.

27:49 As I pointed out. No shot. This was the person that as they were boating past those high lime towers of Thailand that God created, as he smiled down on them, she said, wow, they look like Pandora from Avatar. Same person.

28:08 You think God was smiling when he was making all that stuff?

28:11 That's what Carrie said.

28:12 Oh, really?

28:12 And then God got pissed and he said, I'm going to kill 250,000 people here. Sorry, I had to do it.

28:20 Oh, I thought you were talking about the great flood. You know, the one where Noah got everybody together.

28:25 He did that too.

28:27 That was a couple more than 250,000.

28:28 But he wanted us to learn. Yeah.

28:32 And he was like, I want you to get every animal and your family. I mean, you get in this big, big giant boat and I want you to repopulate the earth. And Noah was like, Okay. It sounds tough. He's like, I know, but everybody's going to die. And Noah's like, okay. So after the water subsides, are you telling me that I have to... Have sex with some people I know?

28:52 Have sex with my daughters? And God's like, don't have a cow, okay?

28:58 Or do just have two. Hey dude, this is a story. Okay. Like, don't worry about like all the details. All right. This is the teach.

29:05 Rosa and James. Um, Rosa goes into the laundry room and goes, Hey, are you by any chance seeing anybody? And last episode we got, uh, I'm out. This is a two different stories, right? Um, James said to Matt, I got a lady back home. She said, no banging. I'm going to be on my best behavior. Rosa comes in, uh, A walking orifice. And he goes, I don't have anybody back home.

29:32 It takes a couple of days. There's a few takes and a few versions for him to get to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

29:39 By the way, I was traveling with this person. Are you saying she was a hitchhiker?

29:43 No, no, no.

29:44 I was dating, but it's fine.

29:46 Yeah. I think it's worth pointing out when you're single, there's not a restriction on sex, I think.

29:53 Not really.

29:54 I think he has that, but we'll see.

29:57 What happens next?

29:58 Matt knocks on Carrie's door and he's like, this is him making his move. Hey, you know, just in case, you know, I don't know, Alex dies or you fire him or some shit.

30:10 I don't know.

30:12 Or he gets stabbed or you want to fire him or something.

30:15 How would he get stabbed?

30:16 I don't know. He falls on a fucking anchor.

30:19 Oh, he's impaled.

30:20 Yeah, yeah. You can hire me because I'm ready.

30:23 You're telling me that if Alex is gored by the iron, which doesn't have those spikes like they do in the Sailor Jerry tattoos, he couldn't be impaled on that.

30:32 I don't know. Maybe he fell on a mangrove.

30:36 I love mangroves.

30:37 I know you do. That's why I mentioned it. But I'll work for you, dude.

30:40 Okay, great. So Fraser has a chat with Kerry. He goes, hey, these fucking pieces of shit. These trash rat fucking pieces of shit.

30:52 Now that he's taken on this persona, I want to be... It's not.

30:55 That he's taken on the persona. This is who Fraser is. He was masking it when he was a newbie, okay? Now he doesn't have... He can bloom into himself.

31:07 I want to be a chief stewed out.

31:09 Oh, yeah, me too.

31:10 Oh, look at these pieces of shit.

31:12 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

31:14 Look at this fat bastard. Hey, have we provisions? Tell him to bring everything on the boat. I'll be the best chief stew.

31:21 Yeah, you won't. I would be a horrible chief stew. I am way too lazy. Okay, so he goes, these pieces of shit keep complaining about the food. I'm worried. And Captain Kerry goes, don't worry about it. I'm going to... Well, he goes, listen, this is really getting to Moe. I think he's trying to kill one of the charter guests.

31:43 And Carrie goes, all right, I'm going to sit down at the table and let's see how much they complain.

31:47 By the way, remember last episode when I pointed out they're six-year-olds because they have no impulse control?

31:53 Yeah.

31:53 They yell. They scream. They complain. They, like, bang on the table.

31:58 Okay.

32:00 Carrie's sitting at the table to control them. What's that remind you of?

32:04 Parents. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it reminds me of parents.

32:08 It tempers their, like, throwing shit at each other or eating crayons.

32:13 Going full orangutan.

32:14 Right.

32:16 You have to have an adult there to get them to simmer down.

32:20 Do you think that the world got Mandela affected with orangutan? You know, it's orangutan. That's how you say it. I don't know what you're talking about. You know, it's a monkey. It's an orangutan.

32:33 Well, it's. Okay, where are you going with this?

32:36 Well, people say orangutan. You know what I'm talking about, Caleb?

32:41 I always thought it was orangutan.

32:43 I didn't know. Now, the reason why I think that took place is because of Tang, the orange astronaut beverage. Ah. You know what I mean?

32:51 Well, I remember loving that as a kid.

32:53 Yeah.

32:54 Because you didn't have to have the juice in the fridge. It was a powder.

32:58 Right.

32:58 And you just dump a little bit into a bottle. You put some poisonous, toxic water in. And you shake it up, and next thing you know, you've got fucking orange juice.

33:07 Yeah, you have Tang and lead-soaked water from the tap, and then you've got orange juice. Now, do you remember the— Next.

33:13 Thing I know, I've got kidney problems. I'm ready to die.

33:16 Yes, exactly. But it doesn't matter because the fentanyl is going to kill you faster than that. Listen, what was the mascot for Tang?

33:27 I don't know. An orangutan. Oh, it's going to say an astronaut. No.

33:32 We're moving on. We're moving on. We're moving on.

33:35 Okay.

33:35 All right. All right. Kate and Matt.

33:37 What's the theme for this dinner? Black Dahlia or something?

33:41 No, I wish it was Black Dahlia. That's where that woman got hacked up or some shit. That would be weird. Do you know the Black Dahlia, Matt?

33:50 Her face was carved into a giant smile.

33:53 As they call the Glasgow. Smile, which I believe refers to Russians. But the murder actually happened after World War II, which was way before Russia. Do I know too much about this stuff?

34:04 No.

34:04 You said the Russians?

34:07 Well, Glasgow.

34:08 Sorry, yeah.

34:09 Glasgow.

34:10 Right. Those are Scottish people. Oh, they are. Irish people.

34:14 Oh, sorry.

34:16 Yeah.

34:17 Ruskies are, it's like, skitskvetsknya.

34:20 Oh, that's right. They also draw smiles into people's faces.

34:23 You're talking about the Peaky Blondes.

34:25 The Peaky Blondes. Yeah, something like that. Anyway, this is a great opportunity to plug the new podcast where I won't know what I'm talking about with Ruby. Yeah. Bad Murders coming 2027. I think we're still.

34:38 I don't know if Bad Murders.

34:41 Bad Murders is coming 2027, where Ruby and I do true crime.

34:45 Ruby and Pat are going to be doing a true crime show, which I'm very, very excited about.

34:49 Which I've already proven. I know what I'm talking about. Yeah.

34:51 I don't like crime. I don't like those documentaries, so I'm not going to be doing it. But Pat and Ruby are going to be doing it. It's going to be very, very fun. All right. So the theme for this dinner is Black Dahlia, that woman that was killed in the 40s in Los Angeles.

35:05 They've never solved it.

35:09 Let's talk about Kaylee, though. She says, most of her relationships have been toxic. Oh, my God. Shocking.

35:30 Shocking.

35:30 Yeah, that's crazy.

35:32 But why wouldn't this one be?

35:35 Well, I was going to say, thank God she found the right person. She found her soulmate. Kaylee, we say that, and respectfully, and we want everybody to come on the show, right? We would love to talk to... Every time we sit down with the Sea Rat, we fall in love with the Sea Rat, except for Pizza Rat, who was a douchebag the whole time.

35:56 I've come around to Ryan.

35:57 He's doing a great job out in fucking... We've chatted. Have you? Yeah, he's out in the tri-state area serving up steak or something.

36:07 Florida.

36:08 Even worse.

36:10 I want to talk about Kaylee and her ignorance to it, to succumb to reality.

36:17 Yeah.

36:17 Like what I was going to say, we, we, we say that rainbow is straight jacket material, but Kaylee's got a lot to work on. I know Kaylee's still very, very young, but this is a very, very concerning pattern.

36:28 Um, that, all right. So this is one thing that, uh, I'm old. I would much rather have a, uh, person that is welcoming, just, uh, basically out to lunch with love rather than some old fucking cynical, cold, been hurt and not open to love anymore. Cause that's sad. I like the dumb, like, Hey, what's waiting for me? This could happen.

37:04 Yeah.

37:04 That is way more fun. And, uh, I like it.

37:08 Yeah, totally. I would much rather just be like, all right.

37:12 It's fun to be young and naive is my point.

37:13 Totally. Let's say there's a minefield in front of you, right? But there are tulips as well. I would much rather just start skipping and have my fucking legs blown off and go, I don't like outside. I'm going to go inside. You know what?

37:28 Who wants to live inside?

37:29 Who wants to live inside? What are you, a cockroach? All right, so they finally get the jet ski up on the boat. Dinner starts off, and they are not thrilled with things right off the rip.

37:39 Two seconds passes as they sit on the table. It's the same bread.

37:43 Same bread every time. Same bread every time. It's the same bread.

37:45 Every bread.

37:46 Which, I mean, I would notice something like that. I have to say. I would. Tomato tartare with a truffle cream on top.

37:54 Thoughts? Ugh.

37:59 Tomato tartare is a fancy way of saying chopped up tomatoes. I don't want that.

38:03 Is that right?

38:03 Yeah.

38:05 It was just chopped up tomatoes. Listen, he's a very talented chef. I'm sure it was delicious, especially with the bread that they've had many times. You put a little bit of that on top of the bread that you've had over and over, I'm sure it's delicious. Somebody says, you know, I was listening to a very, very wise yogi, and he said, only judge people whose minds you can read.

38:26 Good luck.

38:27 That's a paradox because we can't read minds. Dr. Xavier is a fictional character. Local Fish is up next, and then we get to Dessert. Dessert is a cheese course because she wants to pretend like she's at a three-star Michelin restaurant in Paris. What they got was kind of the in-flight snack on JetBlue. Or a protein pack from Starbucks. Now, accompanied with that is a slurry of congealed fruit product, which she is, thank God, deathly allergic to. 10 out of 10 dessert from Bo. Fuck these people.

39:12 Dil, it's not often that I tell you you nailed it. But that cheese plate in particular, your commentary on that, that did look like what I got served the last time I was on JetBlue.

39:25 Yeah.

39:25 I love a grape that squishes, right? Just no crisp to it at all. with a little brie and some water.

39:32 Don't forget the strawberry jam.

39:34 Yeah.

39:34 That was pulled out of a jar. Yeah.

39:36 Fraser says, I want everybody to listen to me very carefully.

39:44 To do nothing.

39:45 Well, they try to do kind of a, And Ocean's 11 and get it out of– but she notices and she goes, this is the third time this has happened. I got to be honest. As shitty as those people were, I would not have tipped $ 3, 033, $ 333. Yeah, whatever.

40:04 You would have pulled it back a little bit.

40:05 I think– This is a 20 grand charter. They fucked up a lot.

40:08 I think they were aware– Of how they were being filmed. And they probably thought. Jesus Christ. And they probably thought. It's hard to sit like this. I can't believe you asked me to sit like this. So I think they probably.

40:24 That's why you got to just slouch like me. Like some fucking dungeon creature.

40:28 I know. But my face is falling down. That's what happens when you're all done. I think what happened is they probably had a meeting. And they were like, I think we're going to look bad. So let's give. I do not think they had that meeting. You don't? No. Oh, my God.

40:45 No, I do not think so.

40:47 All right. Well, they fucking leave.

40:48 They go to bed. This sucks.

40:50 This fucking sucks.

40:51 That was disgusting.

40:52 No noodles. This sucked. Next morning. Uh, we learned rainbow has cheated on every relationship, but her current one.

41:03 And, you know, and I was thinking, what is Arnoff, but a man who hasn't been cheated on.

41:08 That's her boyfriend. And I was thinking, you know what? Plenty of season left to keep that streak alive.

41:12 Yeah, for sure.

41:13 And then, uh, the husband, uh, pulls Frazier aside and he's like, Hey, we're not happy with chef because he, uh, you know, He didn't do those noodles. He just does his own fucking thing.

41:24 They asked him for noodles.

41:25 They did.

41:26 And he didn't serve them glass noodles. He didn't.

41:28 He's like, you know.

41:30 Egg on my face. I love Matt. He goes, listen, we got to stay in tip-top shape, okay? Because when you're in a professional environment, it's a little bit like being with a woman. You can do all this good stuff. But the first time you cheat.

41:49 You fuck her sister, and it's like, they're pissed.

41:52 They're pissed. It's like, do you not remember the freaking all of the fun that we had at Putt-Putt the first time we went out?

41:58 Or like three Christmases in a row where I bought you some shit, and then I bang your sister, and you're pissed?

42:04 Yeah.

42:05 What the fuck?

42:05 So he's like, just send your shape up, okay?

42:07 Okay.

42:09 Now, Mo comes out, apologizes for the noodles, and we get to Matt versus just send you with the ball down fiasco. He goes, go get the ball down. She goes, Alex Arbosan is still downstairs chambering a 40-pound chain link. And he goes, fuck him. Have his hands get ripped off. Go take the ball down. And she goes, hey, I've learned something about Matt. Three qualities. He is ignorant, arrogant, and a man-child. I love Yesenia.

42:35 I do, too.

42:36 Yeah.

42:37 Now– Rosa continues to be... Her and Rainbow continue to be hot and cold.

42:43 Yeah, what was this? I don't know why Rainbow got pissed off. Was she micromanaging anything?

42:47 Well, Rainbow was like, normally I put ice in the bucket of champagne, and Rosa was like, okay.

42:53 Alex has turned it around. As I mentioned, this is really, really good for the show. Matt's going to be fucking pissed, and I can't wait to see it. The guests finally get the fuck out of here, and they leave going, had a great time. Food was a little disgusting, but. Had a good time. Thank you very much.

43:12 Here's your check. And then they walk away and the wife's like.

43:14 You still sugar-coated it.

43:15 What the fuck? Let him have it.

43:17 I thought you were going to. You still sugar-coated it. God, these people sucked. It was fun to have them, though. Let's get to the tip.

43:27 Tip meeting.

43:28 Oh, but not before.

43:30 Oh. All right.

43:35 Rainbow asks to get to know Matt a little bit better.

43:39 This is why Rainbow's great television.

43:41 Yep. She wants to sit down next to Matt so that she can cheat on Arnoff with him. What are you confused about?

43:57 Rainbow is an interesting person.

44:00 She acts like a guy. She's trying to keep Iron stoked. That's it. We've seen this a million times with a million fuckboys.

44:09 I love the power because I've never heard a girl go, would you sit next to me at dinner tonight? Yeah. That's like a guy move. Yeah.

44:16 It's a guy move.

44:17 Yeah. Interesting.

44:19 Does Kaylee break down in tears after the tip meeting?

44:22 Yes. Well, yes. With Rosa. Rosa's like, well, Rainbow goes out. Hey, I asked Matt to sit down.

44:30 I asked your guy.

44:32 Is that cool? Uh, let me think about, uh, yeah, yeah.

44:39 Is it cool if I put a cigar between, I can't do Bill. How do you do, how do you do Bill Clinton?

44:45 Bill Clinton?

44:45 Yeah.

44:46 Oh, I don't think he's ever been, uh, I don't think we have audio of that exchange between him and Monica.

44:51 No, we don't. We certainly don't. Um, God, I think, I can't remember. I think we did a Hillary Clinton impression on our Patreon show. Yeah.

45:01 No, you did.

45:02 Yeah, we did.

45:02 With the hot sauce.

45:03 Yeah, Hillary Clinton on the breakfast club.

45:05 Hey, y'all doing?

45:08 Okay. There was more to it than that. Go to Patreon. It's very funny.

45:12 All right, so Rosa and Kaylee chat, and we learn that Rainbow and Matt are serial cheaters, and that is what causes Kaylee to begin to cry because she has trust issues.

45:26 Something bad happened to Kaylee, I think.

45:29 She dated a lot of assholes.

45:31 I hope that's just– I hope that's it.

45:33 I mean that can cause that. She likes the guy that had sex. Remember, sex between men and women are very different.

45:41 Yeah.

45:41 Especially when you're this young.

45:43 Men devalue it.

45:45 Women.

45:46 Do not. So this is where you can't have your French Revolution cake and eat it too. So Kaylee– this is a fucking mind-bending– conversation because rosa is so sweet to kaylee seeing her breakdown in tears over fucking nothing i mean this is a shutter island moment and it's so crazy to me that rosa is this composed and empathetic because like obviously if it was me is not the barometer for anything but i would be here just going what the fuck is going on.

46:24 You do not go layers down deep into people's uh actual uh like what they're really, what's why.

46:32 My brain, I can tell you buzz balls.

46:38 I'm drinking too much. Rosa is trying to find an ally. She's not here. Cause she thinks this normal, it's normal. It gives a fuck. She's like, okay, you hate rainbow too.

46:50 Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. Okay. Got it. So this is the survivor element of the show. Okay. Okay. Rosa thinks Kaylee's being a little crazy right now.

46:58 She's nuts.

46:59 Okay, cool. I need to read the 48 Laws of Power. We wrap up with a night out on the town, and.

47:08 Well, we don't get there yet. We got a couple fucking drunk British guys yelling, what reality TV show is this? Yeah.

47:15 It escalates to a point where Moe rips his belt off. I love this move. A kind of like. Yeah, I just– I love the thought of whipping somebody.

47:28 I do too.

47:29 That is getting in your face. It's not a good weapon.

47:31 Though because your opponent can grab it and then punch.

47:33 You in the face. And also you can just– you can walk through it, right? But it's very demeaning. So I kind of like that. We'll see what happens with this confrontation next episode. Until then, get in the comments. Let us know what you thought. Join us at patreon.com slash another podcast network. for Wicked Hillary Clinton impersonations, and Love is Blind, and Salt Lake City. APS PMZ coming soon.

47:54 I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye.

47:56 Later, dudes.

47:56 See ya.

48:18 Thank you.