Stop Letting Your Child Control You

0:00 They like heightened emotions from parents, whether it's good or bad. Okay, if she's not getting enough of the good stuff, she'll go for the bad stuff. She feels like she knows everything she needs to and doesn't listen to advice. Are you telling her what to do? Are you lecturing her? Are you offering advice where it's not really necessary?

0:13 He doesn't listen and starts acting up and being cheeky towards me when I try to tell him no. You say no and then you say, but it just makes him worse. I'm like, so? Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.

0:27 And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sugar pants, what are we talking about today? Today's topic is about letting your children be in control.

0:45 Okay. Which a lot of parents do, and they're very frustrated by it, and they don't know why they're doing that and how they stop, etc. So we'll get into that, I'm sure. We do. Do you approach this any differently depending on the age of the child? That's a tough answer because uh it depends.

1:03unknown Okay.

1:03 Maybe I you know, no, not just this though, but I deal with a lot of stuff differently depending on the age. That's why. It's not this specific topic, but a toddler is very different from a 17-year-old. So Okay.

1:13 Well, I think let's go into one topic that I do want to cover before we get into the parenting questions. Okay. And that's the idea of when children have control, you often talk about the fact that they don't really want it.

1:24 They don't. They want a leader. What one of my favorite uh something the kids said, a teenager was really in some big trouble with the police and everything. And uh I was chatting with him and he said, My parents didn't love me enough to make me a good person. Like he identified, and I said they didn't discipline you, eh?

1:40 And he goes, Yeah, that's right. He didn't want it now, but he identified that. Isn't that fascinating? He just got that, and I thought, wow, I'm gonna file that one away in my memory. Yeah, and I did.

1:50 And then do you find that parents often do this because they feel like it's like the kinder option, giving their kids more control?

1:56 Or I think there's a lot of stuff out there that says you want to give them choices, and you can with some stuff, but not with a lot of stuff. They tend to go overboard with that. And this is what usually happens when I'm working with parents. I notice this with almost all of them, is they will try and give them a lot more control, but they'll do it in all the wrong places.

2:12 Like they'll say, Well, you know, do you want to wear this or you want to wear that? Which is fine if they don't fight you. But if you know you've got a kid who's gonna fight you on that, you don't give them choices. You don't give them choices over things that you know are contentious. So they tend to give them choices on everything.

2:25 And what do you want to eat for dinner tonight? And then you have to cook something special just for that kid. Then you get sick of this because it's not working anyway. You're not getting any respect. Of course you're not, because that's ridiculous. They're gonna walk all over you. So then they tend to ricochet the other way.

2:38 So I call it the pendulum swing. They really go with the pleaser parent style, thinking that's the way to go because it sounds lovely, but it's ridiculous. It doesn't work at all. And then they swing to the other way because it's not working. Then they become the tough authority and they end up yelling and being stern and all that, and that doesn't work.

2:53 That's better than the pleaser, though. If you're gonna fail on the other side, go with the authority.

2:57 Okay. Do you want to get just right into the parenting questions and go from there? Good idea. My nine-year-old has a pretty big ego. She feels like she knows everything she needs to and doesn't listen to advice. She often doesn't listen to instructions and comes up with reasons why she won't or tries to negotiate to get something she wants before handing a task, like getting into the shower or picking up her room.

3:17 She also has a habit of coming into a room or conversation and making it focus on her, sometimes disrupting meals and pulling her little sister from being helpful to get riled up and also not listen. I feel like these all come from her wanting to be in control of the situation and gain attention, though largely she has free reign over her downtime and chooses to play video games or other things away from the family.

3:37 Do you have any advice to help these change these behaviors?

3:40 So she's always putting off bedtime. She's coming up with reasons why she doesn't want to get ready right now. Put on the beh start with the free behavior board. It's on my website, bratbusters.com. It's right at the top there. And uh anyway, put on there uh follow bedtime routine, okay? And then write it all out.

3:55 Write out what the bedtime routine is. It might be shower, getting your PJs, brush your teeth, whatever. And then whatever time's left over, we can read to you, read together in bed or something. She's nine years old, so you might want to sit with her for a while and just chat, whatever. So then at lights out have to be right at eight o'clock.

4:09 You control the bedtime, you control the needs, like she needs to get in bed by a certain time, and she can control the wants. Like when you're playing with with stuff, the want is the fun, the play. So if you're connecting with her and have say, hey, what do you want to do? I got some time. And then she can she can say what game you play or whatever.

4:24 But also you'd said she's got free reign over her free time. But then you said she just watches plays video games. She doesn't just have free free or freedom over her free time, she has freedom over screens. I would not allow that. There's no way. I would say, look, you've got this many hours per week.

4:39 She's nine years old, she can monitor this, and you have to keep track of it, though. Say, look, you've got nine hours, let's say, in a week, and that's all the time you've got on screens. Okay, and then you decide when you do that. But it's got to be within, like, can't be at three in the morning. It has to be suitable time.

4:52 And then let her manage her screen time. Or you could say, look, you've got one hour a day, and you can decide when it is. Or you can say you've got between seven and eight every night. So there's there's three different ways of doing it. I prefer it in that order. The first one is give her a group for a whole week, a group of time, like a chunk of time, and then let her manage that and you keep track of it.

5:10 And then if she doesn't, if she loses it, like if she uses it all up on Tuesday, so Monday and Tuesday, she uses it all up, that's too bad. Wednesday through Sunday, she's got no screen time. It's going to be hell to pay, but that's okay. You want to go through those storms because the rainbow is right on the other side.

5:24 If you're trying to avoid her fit scenes, meltdowns and tantrum, she's in charge. And I'm thinking that's probably what's going on there. You've given her way too much control over things she shouldn't control, and she's just run with it and she has no respect for you.

5:36 I'm interested about the part where it says she needs, uh, she doesn't listen to advice. What are your thoughts on that when a nine-year-old isn't listening to their parents' advice?

5:44 Well, I don't know what advice you're giving. I always say, you know, any unsolicited advice is just criticism. So are you telling her what to do? Are you lecturing her? Are you offering advice where it's not really necessary? Are you kind of yeah, I don't like that. So I I didn't even address that one because I'm not sure what context that was in.

6:00 Are you just saying, you know what you should do? You know what you should do? That's just bossiness. They don't like that. Um, that's uh my top five tips for parenting teenagers. Um, where is that? It was, oh yeah, here it is. Uh, this is my number one tip for parenting teenagers. She's a tween, and actually, this goes for all ages past the age of about five or six or seven.

6:19 Number one, parenting teenagers. Listen to understand and show empathy. You don't listen to gather information to lecture with. If you if they want your advice, they'll ask for it. They already know it anyway. Okay. So yeah, I think you're probably bossing her around too much and she's getting her, she's getting annoyed by you.

6:34 That's that's what that sounds like to me. But I don't have a lot of context around it, so I'm not sure.

6:38 Yeah, I just wanted you to touch on that because I'm sure a lot of parents probably feel like they're in the similar situation where maybe they have just the just the interesting topic of like the saying it's a big ego. I just thought that.

6:50 Yeah, I don't get that. I I I you know, I just didn't even address that because I don't get it. I'd need more I'd I'd have a lot of questions around that. If if someone said in coaching my child has it, my nine-year-old has a big ego, I would say, what makes you say that? Like what specifically? Um, yeah, I don't get that.

7:05 What reasons do you think a parent could say that? Do you have any?

7:09 Um because she seems to be a know-it-all. Now you're not gonna like what I'm gonna say. That's usually because you come across that way. That's usually why that happens. Not always, but if they have a big ego and they're a know-it-all, it's usually because they're mimicking you, to be honest. I didn't want to say that.

7:26 Now I've been forced to say it. But yeah, that's usually they usually get it from you. If you're so busy giving advice, like you're a know-it-all, that's why she's coming across that way.

7:34 But I want to clarify that there's other reasons you think.

7:37 There could be other reasons for it, but that's the first one that comes to mind. And you forced me to say that, by the way. It wasn't my fault. I had to say it.

7:43 I know, but I just especially with the questions where the child's a little bit older, I think I want to dig into those a little bit more because there's so many more nuances.

7:50 Well, I'll give you something uh when it comes to giving advice. Let's say a kid comes to me and tells me their problem. My response is this that would be frustrating. I can see why you're upset. And then I shut up. I just stop talking. If they want my advice, they'll ask for it. You know, I remember when I was really young and my mom, I'd go to my mom with a problem and I'd say, This is this happened, and what should I do?

8:10 My mom always answered the exact same way. You're a big girl. This is like I was three. You're a big girl. You can figure it out. But then we'd sit and start chatting. I always, and she was sort of feeding me some ideas, but she wasn't giving me advice. She was just saying, you know, when I was your age, I think I tried that.

8:24 Or, you know, have you ever thought of maybe have you tried that? Have you? She was always sort of feeding me ideas, but she never really told me what to do. And I always thought that I was solving all my own problems. I I sort of was. I was making my own decisions about it. But yeah, she was feeding me a lot of ideas, but not telling me what to do.

8:41 She never did. And I don't think I did that with my kids either. If you came to me with a problem, what would I have done? You would have said something very similar. Yeah, let's figure it out. Let's figure it out. But I would have would have been a team effort. Yeah, I wouldn't have tried to solve their problems.

8:55 And I didn't feel like there was judgment on your end. No, never. We all make mistakes. I think parents forget that they make mistakes too. When their kids make a mistake, they treat it like it's the end of the world. You make mistakes too. Remember that.

9:06 Now, if I mispronounce the name though, however, well, my mom dives right in on that one.

9:12 Well, oh, oh, okay. Should we bring this up? Sure. It doesn't make me look very good. Okay, we we are both not readers right now, but I used to be a prolific reader. I don't know why I've lost interest. But anyway, I don't read anymore. But she's getting into it, she's quite enjoying it now. I mean, like real books where you pick up paper book.

9:29 Anyway, so she says, she always says, I said, what book are you reading? She goes, Oh, this. She'll always do the title and then tell me what it's about. So I'm getting annoyed at her. And I say, it's not about the title or what it's about. The author plays, and I always say this, who's the author? It's always about the author, right?

9:44 So she goes, Oh, you know, we're already kind of laughing because I'm getting annoyed. Anyway, and then she goes, it's Percival. I said, You mean Percival? That was funny. Okay, so yeah. There were a few more laughs than what you just shared there.

9:59 You she ripped into me. I tore into her, but it was funny. It was fun. One last thing about books, just very quick, cute little thing, is I showed my niece one of the books that I'm reading, and she goes, Oh, no pictures.

10:12 Oh, yeah. It's not a book without pictures. But yeah, I mean, we tease each other all the time. The funny thing is, though, that I tease her more on here, but she does it just as much behind the scenes, but not on a podcast.

10:23unknown Never.

10:24 Never. Believe me, it's a two-way street, but on the podcast, it just looks like it's me. It is not just me. And I'll keep it that way because I edit them. And exactly right. She edits the podcast. She has total control. Anyway, I don't think your nine-year-old has a big ego. I think she's just a little bit of a know-it-all because monkey see, monkey do.

10:41 I could be wrong about that, but if you're handing out advice, you look like a know-it-all. If you're always handing out a I didn't want to look like that. I didn't want to look like I had all the answers. You know why? Because I don't. And I never did. So I didn't want to pretend I did. So I'd just say, I don't know.

10:55 I said, you know, we got any ideas or let's figure it out, you know, and I'd try and get my kids to come up with their own solutions. So that's really important. You're strengthening them.

11:03 Okay, we'll get into the next question. So Anna from the United States, my daughter's three and she is a very intense little kid, coupled with being very smart little kid. She listens when I ask her to do things. She does things like if she wakes up before me, she will read a book or practice cutting paper with safety scissors, things she knows are okay to do without a parent.

11:20 And she loves to help other children follow the rules at school. She will also get onto me if I don't follow a rule at home. We are having a huge problem with bedtime. We do dinner, walk, bath teeth, book with a nebulizer, and then tuck her in with a kiss. She never leaves her bed. She will stand up, kick the bed, play with her blanket or pillow, or roll around for two and a half hours straight.

11:39 We have devolved into taking things away, yelling, taking things out, and losing our minds. She's absolutely had this control over us and we're doing it completely wrong, but I have no idea how to get her to stop and just go to sleep. As soon as she closes her eyes, she's out. She's obviously tired.

11:53 Well, does she have a nap? Because it sounds like maybe she's having a nap and so she doesn't need them anymore. Often when they outgrow naps, they stay up later at night and cause wreak havoc. Um, also, does she have any chocolate or anything like caffeine at night? I'm wondering. Sometimes people parents will give them like chocolate pudding or something right before bed, and then that's caffeine, right?

12:11 So, you know, I'm not a doctor or anything, but that's another thing. Maybe that's it. So she you said she's tired and yet she's still up, so she's hyper. Um, another thing is I say they got to get out of bed. I I'm thinking you're going in there. If you leave her doing that long enough, so long as she's not destructive, she'll eventually come out.

12:27 She's doing it to get you in there. But if you don't go in, then she'll eventually come out. Then you can follow through with my bedtime routine, which is you just keep walking them back to bed. It's a bit more involved than that, but I got lots of videos specifically on bedtime routine, how you deal with that.

12:41 But yeah, she you're you're feeding it. You're feeding into it. She's in charge. But get rid of the nap. If she's still having a nap, get rid of it.

12:55 Okay. Hello, Lisa. I'm mother of two young kids ages two and three. I love the idea of teaching my kids to be proud of themselves and to do things independently without telling me what to do all the time. Mostly for my three-year-old, I'm telling trying to get her to do tasks like little self-care without my lead.

13:09 However, I find myself struggling with her very much currently. She's strong-willed and will make a poor choice at any moment. For example, this morning I told her to come to the living room with me when she was ready to get up from bed, and I left her alone while I was reading with my younger child.

13:22 I go back upstairs to check on her and she peed on the floor and mopped it up with her blanket. Keep in mind she's fully potty trained during the day. Or I'll let her go to the bathroom by herself and she'll end up playing with toilet paper or pouring her pee in places, or ripping her a book and chewing pages with a smile on her face.

13:37 I find myself managing my children too much to avoid these bad behaviors. If I'm not constantly doing this, almost always my kids will do something bad, mostly my older child. She'll steal toys from her younger sibling, despite being shown many times to share or wait her turn. She hits randomly and acts naughty with a smile on her face, knowing knowingly doing it wrong.

13:56 I'll give her consequence, but she's still doing these things daily. I'm really struggling to not be a referee all the time, but I don't do something. But when I don't do something, it's always going wrong and I'm exhausted.

14:07 Okay, there's a lot going on. I would just start with one step at a time, get the free behavior board on my website, Bratbusters.com, and put down no aggressive behavior as her rule. You're gonna have to explain what that is, draw pictures or whatever of what that is, and draw get the behavior board going.

14:21 Start small, start there. When it comes to her peeing on the floor and cleaning it up, I wouldn't, if I know she's awake upstairs, I would sort of manage that right away. I'd say, come on, let's go. I would go and get her. You said you want her to do things independently, but independently, she's wreaking havoc on you.

14:35 So I wouldn't give her all that independence right now. I would control that more. As soon as you know she's up, I'd go up and get her, say, come on, we're gonna go to the bathroom, then we're gonna read some books, whatever. So yeah, you want to take a little bit more charge of her because you're maybe you're giving her too much freedom too early.

14:47 Plus, she is a little bit of a scamp. Okay, that's why. And if she's hitting people, put no aggressive behavior on the behavior board and start there. And then the second week you can put something else down. Um, yeah, I don't know what that would be, but you'll you'll have to decide what you want to put on there.

15:00 But it explains how you do the behavior board.

15:02 I think that one thing is you hear this a lot from parents who have two young ones at the same time.

15:08 Yeah, but she's three. She can be on the behavior board. Usually when I complain not complain, when parents complain to me about a lot of physical stuff going on, and then it is frustrating for me. And I had I had one earlier. Um, my least favorite client is a mom who has a little toddler, like maybe just two, and a newborn.

15:24 The reason is I feel the least effective in coaching. It drives me nuts because that poor mom, she's just coming out of having a baby, she's exhausted, and then she's got a rambunctious two-year-old. It is hard. Okay, but this one's three. That's different. A three-year-old can be on the behavior board, and I always address the older one first, so or focus more on them because the younger one's just coming up and they're watching what you're doing with the older one.

15:45 And then it also that free behavior board has a toddler section on it, too. It'll tell you how to manage the two-year-old. But that three-year-old, you're just trying to get her to do too much too soon, and she's taking full advantage of it.

15:55 Okay, the next one is Jane from Canada. Almost three-year-old regularly yells no or go away at other kids and adults who look at her or approach her everywhere we go. Not everyone, but enough times throughout the day that we get embarrassed and annoyed. We say no to her, but we don't know what else to do beyond that.

16:10 How should we handle this?

16:11 I just let it go. If she says no and go away, I'd just go. Lucky you, you don't have to deal with her. You know what I mean? Like just treat it like no big deal. I would. She's doing it for attention. So if she goes, no, go away, just and I would just say, just ignore her and then just keep talking as if she's not even there.

16:26 She'll learn that that's not going to get her attention. Right now it's getting her attention. They like heightened emotions from parents, whether it's good or bad. Okay. If she's not getting enough of the good stuff, she'll go for the bad stuff. Sometimes they want both anyway, because they like the heightened emotions.

16:39 If you don't get a heightened emotion when she acts like that, she'd be less likely to do it. So I would just say, oh, just ignore. She's just acting whatever. I'd just say, oh, just ignore. And then I just keep talking around her. She'll stop doing it because she's not going to get any attention for it.

16:52 She you said she's almost three. They by the time they're about three to four, somewhere in there, usually around three and a half, they only do what works. If that's not working, she'll stop doing it.

17:01 And before then?

17:02 Well, I already said just say, just ignore.

17:04 No, I mean what you said usually before like by the age of three and a half or four. But before then, you just gotta you gotta go, well, they're toddlers.

17:12 Before then, they don't, they don't just do what works, but they does peter out. It will start to slow down. They will lessen, but they'll stop doing it at a certain point when they're three and a half or so. They'll literally only do what works past a certain age. It's around three and a half. They're actually that's kind of different, like it's different for different kids, but it's usually around three and a half is a pretty good average.

17:30 They literally only do what works. They're not like us adults, they don't continue to do the same thing expecting different results. They want attention, good or bad. Okay. They just like that heightened emotion from you. So if you're gonna get all upset when she is saying, no, go away, she's gonna keep doing it.

17:44 Because it's very powerful to see your parent get all this heightened emotion going, right? She's on a bit of a power trip with that. Just take it away from her. Just go, just ignore, and then just ignore her.

17:53 I've never asked this, but what's the transition? Because you say past three and a half to four, they only do what works. But us adults, we sometimes do things that don't work. Is there like a transition where you go back to the?

18:03 Um, I you know, I never thought about that because I've never been asked that before. But yeah, kids only do what works. I would say maybe around, no, I used to come out with a certain age and I've kind of changed that. I would say when hormones start to settle down, what I mean by that, then you may say, what, 50?

18:19 Um, it's when they're about maybe 17, 18, you know, they're starting to get more common sense. I would say that's when that's when it might happen. Where you just kind of go, you know what, you sort of know who you are. You get more settled in your personality too. And that's when you tend to decide, this is just what I do, even though it doesn't get results, I just do it.

18:38 So it's just that's the way it is. But when you're really young and your hormones are starting to kick in, you know, and you're just sort of more emotional usually, um, you tend to be highly sensitive to the way things that uh react around you and how things react to you. But once you get more settled into your personality, you tend to start.

18:54 I'm stupid. I do the same thing over and over and over again, expecting different results. It's just, I think part of that's ignorance too. But yeah, we we just tend to get in routines because we get more comfortable with who we are. But yeah, kids, when they're really little, especially, they don't know who they are yet.

19:09 They're forming under you. They're forming and they're they're gonna change to form under what they get. So if they're only getting attention because when they when they do something naughty, they're forming that way. But if they only get attention when they're not naughty or when they're or when they're good, then they're gonna form that way.

19:26 But as we get older, so they're only doing it works because they want attention, but as we get older, we get more into who we are, our personality is more formed. I would say maybe around 18 around there. I've had different answers to that. I've never been asked that specifically, but I've thought about it and I've had different ages.

19:42 I I used to say around seven. Um, but now I'd say it's more like probably 18. It's when you start to sort of figure out who you are a little bit more, become a little bit more independent, and believe more in yourself.

19:54 The next one is Natalie from Australia. Five-year-old boy, we have seemed to have a lot of behaviors around mealtimes and before and after school. He doesn't listen and starts acting up and being cheeky towards me when I try to tell him no, and it seems to make him worse. I've tried so much in different forms of discipline from timeouts to taking away his iPad and toys.

20:11 Nothing works. I came across your page, and my question is, how do I know what the right thing to do is in regard to discipline per action? Let's say he's being rude and cheeky when speaking to myself or other members of the family. How do you choose a positive discipline to go along with that?

20:26 Well, you don't. You ignore um if they use swear words or name-calling, I would put that on the board. No bad words or no name-calling as a rule on the board. But if it's just attitude and they're just being snotty, you cannot address that. That just means they don't respect you. And if they don't respect you, they tend to disrespect other people too.

20:43 Once they respect their leader, their parent, or one or two or both parents, then they tend to respect other people too. So you've got to earn that. That's just a sign that you're not a leader. That's all that means to me. The attitude is something you built and you can unbuild it, but you can't blame them for that.

20:57 That's why you can't address it with them. There was another part to that question too, wasn't it? She said, uh he has, and then he has meltdowns. So what? Let them happen. Are you and then because parents will say, Well, I say no, and then he has a meltdown. I'm like, so what's it? I don't think there was the word of a meltdown there.

21:13 Mealtimes she says no and it oh no, and it makes him worse. That's what you said. It makes him worse. That's okay. You know, parent, you don't react to that stuff. Like if you know you're being appropriate when you're saying no to something, okay? No, you can't stay up till 10 o'clock with my phone watching videos, right?

21:30 Something something that's ridiculous, right? You say no, and then you say, but it just makes him worse. I'm like, so follow through, do the right thing. Don't worry about his reaction. If you know you're doing the right thing, you know you're saying no to something that he shouldn't have, don't worry about his reaction to that appropriate and fair and reasonable no.

21:46 You see, because she said it makes him worse. I'm like, right? So let him have a fit, whatever he's doing. There was something else she said about that too. Um uh, what else? Can you just read the last part?

21:59 Okay. Uh nothing works. I came across your page. My question is how do I know what the right thing to do is in regard to discipline per action?

22:05 Let's say he's being rude or Okay, stop. Okay. Just go to the free behavior board and start there. And you don't put attitude on there. Just put something and then you sit around mealtime. You might want to even put down follow mealtime routine. He's five years old. He's old enough to understand this.

22:18 Mealtime routine is that you come to the table within five minutes of being asked to do so. That's the first part. The second part is don't get up from your seat until you're finished your meal. And then the third part is put your dishes on the counter or in the sink before leaving the kitchen. So there's three steps in there.

22:32 You can add more if you want, but three's enough. And then you put that little put the list at the bottom of the behavior board as the mealtime routine, because the rule is follow mealtime routine. And the mealtime routine should be written separately. It also goes on the table in front of him, wherever he sits, as a reminder.

22:47 You can write pick, draw pictures or whatever. So yeah, and then don't say anything when he breaks the rule, which he will. When he breaks the rule, don't say anything until after the meal. And then if he broke one of the uh the mealtime routine, you say, okay, let's go to the board. Now let me see. Your rule was follow mealtime routine, and you didn't come to the table within five minutes of being asked to do so.

23:04 So because of that, then here's your consequence. Don't talk about everything else he did wrong. It doesn't matter. Just mention one thing. Okay, and then he says, but I didn't, but I didn't, then just keep talking about the behavior board. Just say, anyway, your consequence is this. Don't get pulled into the argument.

23:18 If you know you're right, don't get pulled into that. Now he's in control. Now you're on the low road with them. When they're arguing this behavior board, when you're going over to it and handing out a consequence, when they're arguing it, they're on the low road. You stay on that high road. Follow through with the behavior board and don't get pulled into any just any explaining yourself or anything.

23:35 You already have. Let me see. It says follow meal time routine. You didn't follow it, you broke one of the rules on there. So here is your consequence. And just follow through. Don't worry about his reaction. I think I think his reactions are throwing you off a little bit. Don't worry about it. Just follow through if you know you're being fair and reasonable.

23:50 Follow through with calm confidence, and eventually he'll he'll he'll he'll he'll when you're a calm leader, they can only fight with you for so long. If you yell, you kind of make this whole thing tank. So you want to stop yelling. If you do yell, your rule should be no yelling.

24:03 Do you think also there is, because you talk a lot about that consistency? And so just in here, um, it says that I try to tell him no.

24:10 Is it just I know, yeah, I picked up on that too. Yeah, you gotta you gotta the thing is that a lot of parents, they'll have like a day where they think, that's it, I'm just gonna address everything. And they're saying no all day long. Then they're exhausted. So the next day they don't ever say no. So they're completely inconsistent, throws the kids off.

24:25 That's why I say when on the behavior board, you're just picking one rule or one behavior or one battle per week, okay? The second week you have a new one. Now you've got two behavior boards. Third week you've got a third one. Now you got three. Don't go past that. You only have three behavior boards because you should sort of know how to hand out rules and consequences by now.

24:40 But anyway, that's how it's done. But yeah, you try to say no. He's five. Just say no and make and follow through. But you you don't, you gotta mean what you say and say what you mean. If you know you can't back up what you're saying, don't say it.

24:53 But I can definitely understand that, especially because saying that there's so much information out there online. So when you're trying to mix different methods, it might feel like you're not sure which is the right way to go. So I totally understand where this parent's coming from with that. Like it's overwhelming.

25:07 I get that. But I I can, you know, if you like what I'm saying or like my style, then just follow me. Give it like and just follow through with what I'm saying. If it doesn't work for you, say she's an idiot and then go on to someone else. It's like dieting. You can't mix up what you like from each diet and expect it to work.

25:21 It's ridiculous. I have a whole system. If you were to follow all my methods except you use timeout, it would tank. I hate timeout. I think it's nasty. I hate, I think it's mean. Okay. So you gotta, I I think you just gotta pick one parenting coach and go with it, or one parenting book or whatever it is.

25:36 If you don't like me, move on. Don't even waste your time with me. Because I think we all have our own systems and it's a system that's meant to be used exclusively within itself and its own ideas, right? So yeah.

25:47 Okay, the next one is Peter from the United States. I have a nearly three-year-old boy who is generally well mannered. He's starting to get mischievous though, and one behavior of his we haven't figured out how to address happens during mealtimes. Pretty much regardless of the chair we put him in, if he can manage to get his feet up on the table, he will put them up while we're eating.

26:04 It's unsanitary, and if completely unaddressed, tends to start distracting him from eating. We directly tell him no feet on the table, and he pretty much always puts them right down when told. It gets tricky though, because he really enjoys those no feet on the table interactions and gives us a sly smile, very often doing it again a few seconds later.

26:21 He's generally a good eater, but he has been more in his feelings lately, so we're cautious to do anything more than keep telling him no feet on the table. How can we address his behavior fully without making him overly upset and causing a tantrum mid meal?

26:34 Okay, well, I don't care about tantrums. You got it's okay if he gets upset. Everyone's afraid of the kid's reaction. If you're worried about, if you're afraid of your children, you're never gonna be a leader, okay? You can't be afraid of their reactions. If you know you're following through as a calm leader, I could care less how they react.

26:49 I'm, you know, this stuff works. It's very fair, it's very reasonable. Okay. Now, you said that he's putting his feet up on the table, he's loving the way that you say no. Saying no to something like that is as ridiculous as if you were speeding all the time and the police just said no. No. There's no ticket, there's no consequences, there's no accountability.

27:05 They just keep nagging you. No, no, no. Wouldn't you kind of want to keep speeding? Like you see, it's the same thing. It's not the, it's not the word no that does any, it does nothing. Okay, it's the consequences, the accountability, the reaction to it. Okay, he puts his feet up on the table. I would say, we'll talk about that after dinner.

27:21 And then I might, and then I would I wouldn't leave his feet up there. I would put them down each time, but I wouldn't look at him or talk to him each time after that. The first time I would just say, we'll talk about this after dinner. So the rule on the behavior board is no feet on the table, okay?

27:33 And then after dinner, say, okay, let's go to the board. See how my tone is always upbeat and cheery? Because you want to look like you're calm, which you sh well, you won't be, but you want to look like you are. But anyway, you say, okay, let's go to the board. Now let me see. Your rule was no feet on the table.

27:44 You put your feet on the table. So now here's your consequence. So just put it on the behavior board, yeah, and follow through. And then parents, as typical of parents, if I do do that, then he's gonna get more upset. I'm like, good, that means that you're starting to lead. He's starting, he doesn't like it.

27:58 He doesn't like the fact that he's not in charge and you are. He doesn't like the fact that he's bossing you around controlling you anymore. That's why he's gonna get worse initially. Okay, don't be afraid of that. It's a good sign. Means it's working, means you're taking charge.

28:10 Okay, we have one final question. So, Madeline from the United States, daughter is three. I'm familiar with how you address whining, but I'm curious about this specific scenario. When I'm making my daughter something to eat, for example, mac and cheese, she repeatedly says, I want mac and cheese, and asking if it's ready nonstop and acting upset that it isn't already.

28:26 I know that I should indicate to her that she's whining and I ignore on her unless she's talking calmly, but don't want to reward it by giving her food yet. Obviously, she has to eat. Should I just wait until there's a break in the whining to give her the food, or how should I handle this?

28:39 Okay, so she's whining the whole time you're making it. She's three, right? Okay, I wouldn't put this on the board. I would say, I'll tell you what, it's gonna be ready as soon as this alarm goes. I would put on an alarm, and when it tings, then you give her the food, no matter what she's doing, okay?

28:53 Because you said you're gonna be eat, you're gonna be getting it in 10 minutes. And then ting, that's her sign, she'll be getting it. If she keeps asking and complaining, completely ignore her. You might once point to the timer, just once. Say, look at the timer, and it should be something she can see.

29:07 Okay, one of those colored ones where they can see the color disappearing. Now you're just ignoring all that whining and complaining. And you've you've already set the expectation when that alarm goes off, when you hear the alarm, then you're gonna get fed. So she's in total control. Like she understands, is what I'm saying.

29:22 She does understand it, okay? But before, she doesn't know when she's getting it, it's not as measurable. Um, and she's kind of enjoying upsetting you. This way, don't show that you're getting upset, just completely ignore all the whining and complaining and just point to the clock, maybe once.

29:36 I did like the way that you said, you know, when it tings, you know, ting.

29:40 Yeah, instead of me. But yeah, so that it's just teaching her that that okay, how do I explain this? It's actually giving her control. She can now look at the timer and know when she's gonna get fed. So you're actually giving her control. Um, but whether or not she chooses to accept it or not, that's up to her.

29:58 Don't worry about how she reacts to this. Just you take control. You take control of the system. Now she's got a system where she's in control. She can see when she's gonna be eating. So whether or not she likes it, uh it doesn't matter to me. You know that's a very fair and reasonable thing to do, right?

30:12 Is it showing her as well that her reaction is not going to change whether or not Well, 100%, because you've already said it. And that was really important what I said at the start of this. As no matter what she's saying or doing or tantruming, ting and give it to her. Or and then give it to her.

30:29 You choose your timing device.

30:30 Yeah, but you know those visual timers that you can see the color disappearing or the picture disappearing, one of those, so she can see it. But then you've got to give it to her because you're you've already said it's gonna be ready in 10 minutes. I'll set the timer when you hear the alarm, you'll get your mac and cheese.

30:43 And then when the alarm goes, she gets her mac and cheese. Because you're not a liar. You said she's gonna get it in 10 minutes, no matter how she's acting, what she's saying, what she's doing, give it to her. Okay, well, that was it for the parenting questions. Okay, so stop letting your kids control you is the topic of this podcast.

30:58 It's a really good one. And a lot of parents do let their kids control them because they don't realize that the kids aren't happy when they're doing that. They genuinely are attracted to a leader. It brings out the best in them, and when they feel good, they do good. So if your kids are acting out, it means you've got some work to do.

31:11 You're they're in control and you're not. And they don't they're not happy when that's the case. They they just follow a leader naturally. Children need, crave, want a leader, okay? And you want that to be you. Okay, thanks so much for joining us. Back again soon, talking about another parenting topic.

31:25 Happy parenting.

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