Why Your Toddler Hates the New Baby

0:00 They don't hate the baby, they just hate what it's done in their life. My son at times shares some of his toys and cars with his little sister. But most of the time he shouts and snatches it away from her.

0:08 Here's where parents trip themselves up all the time. They want to do big discussions around all this stuff. It it's absolutely ridiculous. You know, well, the reason why we're we have to get you in the car is at safety and all that. He doesn't care, he's not listening, it makes you look weak. What would you say to a parent if they think it makes me look kind, not weak?

0:25 Oh, I know. That's ridiculous. Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.

0:34 And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, Sugar Lump, what is today's topic? Today's topic is why your toddler hates the new baby.

0:51 And we'll be covering questions on physical aggression, any annoying habits they may have picked up to get the tension back on them and toy snatching and tantrums driven by jealousy.

1:02 No, we're talking about all that, are we? Okay.

1:03 Yeah, but first I want you to get into the analogy of what it's like for a toddler to have a new baby come into the house.

1:11 Well, think about it this way. What it's a little bit of an exaggeration, but it might help. Is let's say your spouse said to you, you know what? I'm gonna bring in another wife or another husband. So get used to it. Yeah, it's a huge change. You think you're the only one, right? All of a sudden you're the you might be the first one, but now there's two of you.

1:29 And that other person is the new, the new one, the honeymoon phase. They're more exciting because they're brand new. So think about it. It's kind of like that. How on earth can a toddler really understand what's about to happen? They can't. You can't prepare them for it. Um, you can't prepare yourself for that first child either.

1:46 It's kind of like that, right? So, I mean, you can a little bit, but not totally. So it's kind of like that. Completely normal for them to resent the new baby. They don't all, by the way. Some of them don't even notice it, but a lot of them do. Everyone's coming over, they want to hold the new baby, new new gifts for the new baby, and it's kind of like I'll be honest though, a lot of times the toddler also gets spoiled because especially grandparents tend to bring over gifts for the older child too.

2:08 So they usually get gifts too. So there's some association with the baby, you know, and they get new gifts too. But yeah, the focus is definitely more on the new baby.

2:16 Now, do you think that you can prepare a toddler for this?

2:19 No, absolutely not. How could you? How could you? You know, someone's gonna come in and take your mommy and daddy away from you at times when they never have before. You've always had them all to yourself. Now, how could you prepare for that?

2:30 I think where this comes from is a lot of people online maybe share their experiences where their toddler just adored the new baby and it was just smooth sailing right from the start.

2:39 That can happen. Yeah, it can. I would say more, it's probably somewhere in between. Uh a little bit of jealousy, but pretty good. But a lot of them really hate that new baby. So that's kind of what we're talking about today. And it's not really that they hate them, they just hate what they've done to their life.

2:54 They hate the fact that they've come in and taken their mummy and daddy away from them.

2:57 And I would just hate for any parents listening to like feel like they've maybe done something wrong for this to happen.

3:02 No, it's a personality trait. It's just something, you know, they're just more some of them are just more inclined to have tantrums. Some of them are more inclined to be a runner when you're out in public, and some are more inclined to hate the new baby because they just want mom and dad all to themselves.

3:14 Do you maybe want to tell the story of that child who was so sweet but turned on the baby?

3:22 Which, oh, that was really cute. Yeah, it was a true story. A friend of mine, we both had little boys the same age, and this is before uh we just had the one. And uh, she had her second one before I did. So our little boys, they were very gentle little boys. That's why we we saw each other so often because the boys played so well together.

3:37 Because a lot of little boys or little girls too can be rougher, but ours were more gentle. They kept their hands to themselves, kind of thing. So anyway, she had a new baby, and her little son was uh really darling, little sweet boy. And when she turned her back, uh, the baby was about a week old. He somehow took the baby out of the bassinet and threw it on the floor.

3:55 He had no concept of concussions or death or anything. He just thought, I just want to get rid of this thing. It was crying at the time, I think. I don't even know if it was actually. Anyway, but it was just, he just thought, yeah, I just want to get rid of it. Like it was like a doll to him. He didn't understand the ramifications of what he did.

4:10 And this was a very sweet little boy. My message here with that story is never trust a toddler around a baby. They just don't understand concussions and all that. And who knows what they're gonna do. They might just want to hold the baby to cuddle it even. They drop it. That's not what he did, by the way.

4:24 She saw what he did and he threw it on the floor. That was an interesting way to by the way, the baby was okay.

4:29 That was an interesting way to announce that story.

4:31 You go, oh, this is such a cute story. So well, it was a cute story because I go back in memory and think about them playing together. That's that's where my mind was going, not about what he did. Yes, the baby is okay. Yes, she she was fine, luckily. Um, very fine. I think she ended up drawing, I think it was on a carpet or something.

4:47 But anyway, she was okay.

4:48 Now, you sometimes talk about trying to make the toddler or the bigger sibling the hero. Do you want to talk about that?

4:55 Yeah, you never want to set them up as the leader, but you want to set them up as the hero. So you talk like this. You say, Oh, she loves you or he loves you. So the new baby, you sort of talk for them. They love you. Oh, can you show the new baby what you can do? So they get to showing off for the new baby and they start to feel more special.

5:10 Um, so yeah, that's what you do. You want to make them the hero, someone that the new baby looks up to. So you pretend like you're talking in the baby's voice.

5:17 Okay, is there anything else you want to touch on before we get into the parenting questions?

5:21 Um, no. Uh one other thing I was going to say is about the feeding is when you're feeding a new baby, that's a perfect opportunity, whether you're breastfeeding or someone else or you or using a bottle, whatever. Every time you sit down to feed the baby, what you should do is have a little goodie basket that you only bring out during feedy times so the toddler has something to do.

5:38 This is a special basket just for them, and it's something that you're playing with them while you're feeding. It's a really good opportunity to have them associate the baby with something positive.

5:48 Okay. Yeah, the first question here is Brianna from the United States. I have an almost three-year-old boy and a seven-month-old boy. My oldest is very high energy and very used to having the attention on him most of the time. But now with a new baby, the attention from me and other family members are split.

6:03 I've noticed more negative behavior, including aggression towards baby, sprinting around the house while yelling, throwing things, and doing other toddler-like things to get a reaction. I do my very best to connect with him by getting on the floor to play, as well as talking or singing to him while I do dishes, cooking, or cleaning.

6:17 I also try to involve him in chores to have that I have to get done throughout the day. It seems as though as the attention is taken off of him, whether it be me tending to the baby, talking to my husband to take care of something, that's when the behavior increases. These behaviors seem to happen even while I'm doing the task.

6:33 I'm trying to connect with him by talking or singing. One question I have is when I have to get something done or my hands are full, how do I address negative behaviors that begin as soon as I take my attention off of him?

6:44 So this is uh the attention off the three-year-old, am I correct? Yes. Okay. This has been going on for quite a while, seven months. So I'm what I'm gonna suggest here is it isn't just about the new baby. It's about the fact that he's around three years old, and that's when they either get easier or more difficult.

6:58 I don't think it's as much about the baby as it is about your lack of leadership because they can be actually they can be easy toddlers and then get really wild when they turn three if you're not a leader, or they can be wild toddlers and then continue to be so. If you're not a leader, they don't tend to get easier when they turn three if they're already wild.

7:13 So yeah, I'm suggesting it probably isn't just about the baby at this point. I think he's just sort of using that as an excuse, or not an excuse, but he's sort of seeing an opportunity to dive in there. But I think he's realized you're not a leader. I would suggest you go to my uh free behavior board, which is on my website, bratbusters.com.

7:29 That's the training wheels with all this, and start there. Start from scratch. Once you get that up and running, you know, with different rules on there, you'll have three of them by the time you're done. You can look into the course if you want to go a little bit further than that. Um, but yeah, once you get that up and running, if it's still like that, then I would look into something else.

7:44 But for now, I'm thinking he'd just you'd want to work on your leadership skills. I think he sounds like he's just a little bit out of control and trying to control you. Where would you maybe start with like a first rule? No aggressive behavior would be the first rule because you don't want the baby to get hurt.

7:56 So yeah, no aggressive behavior. That means hitting, biting, etc., throwing things.

8:00 Now, if it seems to be something from jealousy, would you maybe have the parents' role be about connecting with a child daily?

8:06 Sounds like they're doing that though. So that's the thing. Is that's why I'm suggesting I don't think it's just that. It could be a contributing factor, maybe what got them started on this sort of bender. Um, but yeah, it's I don't think it's just that. So just work on the behavior board, then at least we can eliminate if you are a real a really good leader, it should calm down anyway.

8:24 But sounds like you're doing the right thing with the connecting. It's just the discipline. I'm just wondering if you're maybe following through correctly. Because they said, did she say he's almost three? So it's okay. So you can probably, if he's within a couple of weeks of three, you can start with a behavior board.

8:39 It really starts right at three. But if you're really struggling, you could maybe do a little bit earlier.

8:43 Okay, we'll get into the next question. So there's two parts. I have a toddler son who's two and a half, and my little girl is ten months old. My son at times shares some of his toys and cars with his little sister, but most of the time he shouts and snatches it away from her. I do teach him calmly by saying that he needs to share, by saying one for you and one for sissy.

9:10 Wow. But then he says, Ma, no share. How do I handle that?

9:14 Yeah, you're you're trying to teach him how to share. You don't do that with a two and a half year old. You teach them not to grab. They don't understand sharing, and it's a really hard thing to teach anyway. Even older kids really struggle with this, and you can teach older kids to share a lot easier, but not at this age.

9:26 You just say no grabbing, and when he does, he's only two and a half. You say nope and then you give it back to the baby. Don't say one for you, one for him, because you're actually rewarding him. He just grabs something, now you're giving him something back. No way. You say nope, Susie grabs something, you say no, no grabbing, and then you hand it back to the baby, then you might have to remove him for a few minutes.

9:44 So we can't just go but go back to grab it again.

9:47 Okay, the second part is every day with my son, I have to keep saying multiple times and convince him to do basic stuff, like brushing teeth, shower, time for food, and time for sleep. All the time the answers are no. I try to calmly bring the fun and bring one of the toys to brush the teeth with. Same with shower and meals, but it's always every morning the same thing.

10:04 I've tried to tell him that there will be a consequence if he doesn't brush his teeth and do basic cleaning. This morning he cried for about 30 minutes because he didn't want to brush. I lose my temper, which I regret. I don't want to lose the temper. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to spank, and I don't want to raise my voice.

10:18 I want to be a fun parent, like you mentioned in the podcast. I work from home with both my kids having their sleep schedule on opposite times. I always have one awake with me. Okay, you're threatening him.

10:28 That doesn't work. You're threatening him with consequences. I don't threaten anyway. I put a behavior board up and then I don't really discuss it. I just let them do what they're gonna do. If they make a poor choice, then we go to the board. You're not there yet. He's only two and a half years old. You need to use consistent corrective actions.

10:41 So, right in the moment, when you say time to brush your teeth, and then if he won't, now that's a tough one. I'm not gonna start with that one. Let's start with something else he has to do. Okay, time to get in the bath. And he says, no, pick him up and put him in the bath. Make it happen. The only thing I might use bribery with would be teething.

10:56 So you might say, okay, time to brush your teeth. Now we're gonna watch this show, and it should be a show that he only sees when he's having his teeth brushed. And I would also recommend I'm not a dentist or anything, but there are look up really effective toothbrushes with toddlers. I don't want to go into it.

11:09 Uh, but yeah, there are better toothbrushes than others, evidently. So look up a really effective toothbrush or something really efficient that's highly recommended by dentists. So you've got a really good brush to work with. And then he only sees that show when you are brushing his teeth, and that's it.

11:23 He doesn't see it any other time. That's a tough one because it's hygiene, it's got to happen. You can't force them to open their mouth if they won't do it. So it's a bit of a tougher one. But yeah, with bath time, just follow, say, okay, we're gonna be doing this now, and then follow it up with actions right away.

11:36 As soon as you start threatening for bad behavior and you say, if you don't do that, you'll get a consequence. With it, I don't do that even with older kids because it's a threat and it just makes you sound weak. You just gotta follow it up with action, or if it's an older child and who and you've got the behavior board and they're three and over, then you would have the consequence for them.

11:52 But yeah, don't micromanage, don't tell them what to do all the time. You just say what's gonna be happening. We're gonna be getting in the car now, and if he says no, strap him in the car anyway, kicking and screaming.

12:02 Okay.

12:02 Let me let me just stop for a second though. Here's where parents trip themselves up all the time. They want to do big discussions around all this stuff. It it's absolutely ridiculous. You know, well, the reason why we're we have to get you in the car is that safety and all that. He doesn't care. He's not listening.

12:17 It makes you look weak, it makes you look like you don't know what you're doing. Like I would just say, okay, time to get in the car. If a kid said no to me and started running away, I would have his arm very quickly and I would just pick him up and I would put him in that car seat. Might take me five minutes to get him in there.

12:30 I'm not looking at him or talking to him. I follow up with actions, okay? Just stay completely calm. Look the other way. You know, you can even try humming a little bit. It might calm you down and it shows that you're good. You want to look kind of bored by this whole thing. If you look upset and you keep talking about it, you're on the low road with them and they know it.

12:47 They're in control.

12:48 What would you say to a parent because you said it makes you look weak? What would you say to a parent if they think it makes me look kind, not weak?

12:55 Um, what would I say? Oh, I know. It's ridiculous. Kindness is guiding them into making good choices. If you're discussing all this with them, that they're not listening anyway. And it makes you look like you don't know what you're doing. They are drawn to a really calm leader. It's all the discussions.

13:15 You're not a leader once you start explaining yourself over and over and over again. You want them to understand. They already do, by the way. It's not a lack of understanding that makes them make choices, it's their own self-discipline or their own control. Okay. And they learn that by your disciplining with consistent corrective actions.

13:31 But yeah, all this discussion around it, I know it sounds lovely, but it's just crap. It's absolute crap. It's not their world, it's your world. It's not for them at all. Makes you look weak and ineffective and almost scared. You know why you should do that? Because yeah, it's just messy, messy, messy, messy.

13:47 You know, I hadn't had a raspberry from you in so many weeks, so I thought.

13:51 Oh, that was so I was wasn't gonna do it, but I couldn't help myself. That's so deserving of a raspberry. All this mini therapy session around with toddlers is absolutely ludicrous. You should do that because you're we remember we we don't we don't use our hands, we keep our hands to ourselves, gentle hands, all that crap, it's just for you.

14:09 It has nothing to do with them. It's all about you. Yeah, they don't they don't operate that way. They operate with, okay, so no hitting, you hit, so now I'm gonna take you away from the toys, and that's it. You see, it's just follow it up with action and be really calm when you do it. No talking. It's all the talking.

14:25 It just makes you look like you don't know what you're doing.

14:27 Is there an age where the cutoff happens where you think more talking is beneficial?

14:31 Well, I never discuss bad behavior because they already know the older they get, the more they know. So yeah, if they did something that was really bad and they knew it, I'd just say, Oh, okay, so you did that, and here's your consequence. And that's it. I don't discuss bad behavior. I deal with it and my and I move on.

14:45 That's the pool story. If you're interested in this being summed up in one little story, um, you can just Google Bratbuster's pool story. It explains this in a nutshell why I never discuss bad behavior. My focus always goes into connecting with the child. Like let's say you've got a two and a half year old screaming and kicking when you put them in the car seat.

15:01 Soon as they stop screaming, I'd start singing. Oh McDonald, had a or whatever song you want to sing. So yeah, I'd just start singing and all cheery. I let it go. I don't discuss it. Everyone wants to just rehash all the negativity. What is the point?

15:16 Okay. We'll get into the next question. So the next couple of questions are about a little bit older kids. You consider a toddler to be 16 to 35 months. These uh children are three. So I'd like if you can give your opinion on this for a three-year-old and then also what you would approach it for a toddler.

15:32 So the first one here is Megan from the United States, three-year-old and a seven-month-old. My three-year-old gets very jealous of my seven-month-old, often asking us to put the baby down so we can play with her, or getting fussy and whiny whenever she has to be around her sister. She also wants to play with the baby's toys, but refuses to let the baby touch her things.

15:49 How do I get her to warm up better to her sister and be nice to her?

15:52 Hmm. Now the baby's seven months. This has been going on for seven months, I'm assuming. So she plays with the baby toy. Oh, there's no way I would let her do that. I would say, look, now she wants to play with the baby's toys, but she doesn't want the baby to play with her toys. Sounds to me like you're feeling guilty.

16:08 Um, I don't know why I picked up on that. I'm just thinking you're feeling guilty that there's something you did wrong. Don't worry about that. Just deal with her behavior. I would say, look, if the baby can't touch your stuff, you can't touch the baby's stuff and don't say any more. And then I might even put down no aggressive behavior, which includes grabbing the baby's toys.

16:24 Okay. So I would start there on the behavior board, no aggressive behavior, and then I would explain. That includes grabbing the baby's toys. If she can't have your toys, you can't have her toys. And just don't say any more. But I, but, but, but, I'm finished with that. I've changed the subject at that point.

16:39 Parents want to, the more you explain, the more they complain. Okay. And looks like you have to explain it because you don't really believe in it. Once I've said something, it's done. I'm not discussing it. No way. That's the low road now. I'm staying on that high road. I laid down the rules, you know, the baby can't have your toys, you can't have their toys.

16:56 I would just start with that one. Okay. Sounds like you're feeling guilty and she's using it. I just get that feeling. Now, how would you approach this if it was a toddler? If it was a toddler and they grabbed the baby's toys but they don't want the baby to have theirs. So, um I well, usually, let me see.

17:10 Yeah, they'd still be playing with a lot of the same stuff anyway. Um, so yeah, I would just say no. If they grab something off the baby, I'd just say no and I would give it back to the baby. And if they keep doing this repeatedly and it's whatever toy they take off the baby, I would instantly give it back to the baby and then remove the older child so they couldn't continue to do that every single time.

17:28 They will eventually learn that they're not going to get away with that. It's gonna be tough, by the way. And it's not always jealousy, it's a matter of you often are coming from a place of guilt. You feel guilty that they're not giving them as much time and you lose consistency. I've actually had clients who said they were doing really well, and then they had a baby and they felt so guilty that they were loosening up on the rules and that and then they couldn't figure out why the kid, they thought they were kind of being really kind by loosening up on the rules.

17:52 And I said, no, that's why your child's out of control now because you did. And that's not love. You want to be consistent, you want to follow through with what you say. So yeah, they were letting this child get away with a lot more because of guilt, and it wasn't helping the child at all. They were they were actually kind of miserable, and then they we worked it through and they were fine.

18:08 Okay, and the final question is Andrea from the United States. Firstborn daughter is turning three or is three turning four in a few weeks. She's very sensitive and emotional. We had our baby sister 10 weeks ago, and the emotional swayings have definitely intensified since the birth of her sister. I'll admit I've been a bit relaxed with discipline during this period as she's going through a lot of transitions.

18:27 She also started pre-K in a new school about a week ago. One habit that I cannot wrap my head around is that she seemed to develop over the last month is constantly saying mama. I hear my name said for what feels like hundreds of times a day. Many times she's just says it with nothing to follow on or no need from me.

18:42 It also seems to be some sort of reflex to keep me in check or something. I really need to reduce this when she actually needs something from me because it's driving me insane. What should I do? I've been trying to say only one mama is enough. Follow up with what you need, and mama's gonna stop responding.

18:57 That doesn't seem to be resonating, unfortunately.

19:00 Hmm, that's kind of a tough one. I actually um had a client the exact same thing. This kid was saying mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, constantly. I don't remember if they had a younger sibling or not, but they were saying it constantly. I can't remember exactly, I tell I have a lot of different methods. I don't remember what I told them.

19:14 But anyway, so what I would do is she's almost four. I would say, um, once I've answered you, stop saying mama, or else there'll be a consequence. Now, you got to be careful with this one. So she says mama, you say, okay, what what is it? And then if she doesn't come out with anything, um, oh, this is kind of tricky, actually.

19:33 Let me think here. Uh now. So you say, okay, put on the board. Um, no repeating mama once I say that's enough. There you go. Start with that. She's almost four. At three, I wouldn't do this, but she's almost four. She can understand that. So once I've said that's enough, no repeating, or else is a consequence.

19:50 I'm keeping it simple. I know where I want to go after this one if this doesn't work, but for now, just try that one. Say once I've said that's enough, and say it nicely, not like she's being rude, just say that's enough. And then if she continues, um, and if she really needs you, she'll come over and tell you what's wrong or what she needs or whatever.

20:08 So yeah, one mama is plenty. So yeah, I think you're doing it right. I just don't quite like there's a whole bunch of other questions I would have around this one because of her age, especially. She knows what she's doing, she's getting under your skin and look like it doesn't bother you at all. Okay, so just put down.

20:22 One once I've said that's enough. If you continue to say mama, then there'll be a consequence. But you got to be calm. I think you're getting upset over it, and she's feeding off that. She's feeding off of you getting annoyed.

20:33 I think I'd be getting annoyed too. That sounds like it would be very frustrating.

20:36 Well, it was interesting because I was just talking to a client and they said, and and I said, whenever a kid acted out around me, I love it because that's my opportunity to exercise my leadership. So see all this misbehavior or annoying stuff as an opportunity. I know you're all rolling your eyes right now, but that's the way I view it.

20:51 Because I think, well, then I my leadership just goes up another level. So yeah, just don't, if you look upset by that, she's gonna keep doing it for sure. What are you laughing at?

21:02 No, I'm just thinking about the opportunity. It's like those people online who are like, you know, I just see every setback as an opportunity to grow. And you're like, okay, that's not realistic.

21:11 Well, and I I tell my clients too, like sometimes they'll come back after a week, and I and I like to stretch out sessions whenever we can. So I say, look, you know, you're doing really well right now. Let's just stretch out our sessions. So some sometimes they'll say, no, we just want the week to week.

21:24 And I say, okay, we'll meet next week. Then they turn up and they say, So what's going on? They'll say, Well, nothing. It's really quite frustrating for me because it's like, where's my opportunity to exercise my coaching? I need to challenge, right? To exercise this. When you're learning how to be a leader, the more they challenge you, the better.

21:41 Because that's more opportunity for you to exercise your leadership, right? So yeah, I hate it when a client says, No, everything's going well. You got any questions? No, it's all going well.

21:50 No, I know that. I just think it's one of those things where it's, and again, I think setbacks are opportunities to grow, but it's just in the moment, it can feel, I think, just so frustrating, especially when you're just in the thick of it.

22:00 I know, but you know, the the quicker you get this all done and over with, the better it will be. Like rather than stretching it all out, I think it's better if you just go in full force and you just say in the next three to six weeks, we're gonna fix this, we're gonna be leaders. I actually think it's better to go about it that way.

22:14 But a lot, most of my clients don't. Uh, most of them stretch it out because of their own emotions and stuff they're going through. And I also want to make it clear if someone turns up with no questions, I got a lot of stuff in my back pocket I can talk about. But I'd always rather be solving problems.

22:27 You have affirmations around the house, just like, I am a leader.

22:30 Don't do that.

22:32 Okay, well, that was it for the parenting questions.

22:35 Okay, so your toddler hates the new baby. They don't hate the baby, they just hate what it's done in their life. And it's usually a few weeks of a transition time. And you don't want to change your parenting at all, if possible. They're gonna have less attention, but don't change your parenting. If you're a good leader, do not back off on that thinking that you're being kind.

22:52 It's actually the opposite. They think you know, because children equate discipline with love. They just do. Um, I've worked with kids who said, Oh my, my parents don't love me enough to discipline me. I've heard that many, many times from kids. They equate like nice discipline, not screaming at them, but effective leadership discipline.

23:06 It makes them feel more loved because love them enough to keep them in line. That's the way I look at it. And that's the way they they look at it too. Anyway, uh, they don't hate the baby, they just hate the what it's done to their lives temporarily. Just be consistent as a parent if you were doing well before, and it should work eventually.

23:21 It might take, yeah, I'd say maybe a couple months, maybe, maybe a month or two before you start to see things get a little bit easier. They'll get used to having that little thing around. Okay, I think that's a great place to end. Okay, thanks for joining us. Back again soon talking about another parenting topic.

23:35 Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform.

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