What Do You Mean "You're NOT in The MOOD"?! with Sarah Fontenot Shorter

What's up, guys? It's your girl, Sarah Shorter, host of the It's Giving podcast, a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. I'm looking at where I want to go, then I'm reverse engineering it. Let's use money because it's easy to measure. I know if I want to get to $ 100, 000, that's $ 8, 333 a month. It still feels too big. How do I get to $ 277? Well, today I made $ 38. Well, not that far from $ 277.

Next week, I made $ 67. Okay, I'm getting closer to $ 277. And in six months from now, I get to a space where I'm making $ 277 every other day. I'm still not at my goal. But because I'm not looking at the big thing, I'm looking at the little thing. How often do we hear women say, I don't need a man? How often do we hear women say men are useless or they're stupid or they're selfish or they don't bring anything to the table? If you're the table, what do you need a man for? When women stop acting like the men they say they want, men will have better leadership.

When women are okay with men catching up, because the truth is most times men have to catch up, especially in an emotional capacity. what's up guys and welcome to another episode of it's giving i am your host sarah shorter and if you have not yet please hit that button below get subscribed hit that little bell so you get a notification with each new piece of content now every week we are bringing you the real the raw the raggedy and sometimes the rants okay but this show would not be the show without the team can we please give it up for shot by anisa on the mic what's up baby girl.

Hey, girl. Hey.

How you feel?

I'm blessed. I like that outfit, girl.

Thank you.

You got some thighs out today.

I always be having thighs out, girl. Oh, you're going to get some piece of meat somewhere. And we've got our male perspective. It's show.tv. What's up?

Yo, what's going on, queen? How you living?

Oh, phenomenally blessed. Happy, grateful, here and alive, you know? And we've got creative director, producer of the year. Who is Kenny V? What's up?

Who? Givers. We're in the top 1%. Even smaller than that. In the YouTube world.

Shout out to y'all for the subscribes. Make sure to keep commenting, liking, sharing all the fun things.

Let's go, Sarah.

I'm so grateful. So if you haven't yet, please make sure to hype so we can get us into the algorithm. We are into full blown commitment, not situationship. So go ahead and commit. Hit that button.

Okay. All right.

Without further ado, Anissa.

Yes, ma'am.

What are we talking about?

So Sarah, I have to talk about something. I have to bring up something that we talked about just earlier, not too long ago. And we were talking about how I was saying how women deserve help.

And you were saying that women don't deserve help.

Well, why do you think that is my question?

Why do I think women deserve help?

Yeah.

Because they're the weaker vessel compared to their male counterparts.

So you think that women are the weaker vessel?

Absolutely.

And you think that women deserve help?

Yes.

But do you think women move in a way where men would want.

To help them?

So I feel like I agree with you. We are the weaker vessel, but we sure don't move like it. We sure won't admit it. We sure won't own it. Why do we think that we deserve help when we have all the answers? We know everything. We got everything. You got it, King.

Girl, you need.

To.

I'm trying to figure it out.

So.

So scenario.

Mm hmm.

Let's say, I don't know.

A high earning masculine man has no choice but to. I don't know, let's say he has to take a train or something. Let's say he has to do like a public commute for some whatever strange reason that he has to do it. Let's just say a pregnant woman walks into the train. He got on the last seat of that train. Does he not get up and give the woman her seat?

I mean, in a world where people are in their roles, yes, he does give up his seat. But not if that pregnant woman is like, no, it's fine. I can stand. That's the world we live in. We live in a world where women have a problem receiving. They have a problem receiving compliments. They have a problem receiving help. Yes.

Girl.

Oh, my God. They got it. Literally. Anissa, how often do we hear women say, I don't need a man? How often do we hear women say men are useless or they're stupid or they're selfish or they don't bring anything to the table? I am the table. If you're the table, what do you need a man for? What nerve do I have as a man getting up out of my seat to offer you a seat when you got it? And that's the problem. A lot of y'all think, pardon me, a lot of y'all women think that having a uterus or being pregnant is enough to get certain treatment. No, if you move like a man, they're going to treat you like a man. And don't be upset when they do.

You've got to come more into your femininity.

Okay, so how does one, well, how does a woman come into... Her femininity.

We've had this conversation 14,000 times.

You got to keep doing it because the people keep coming. The new people keep coming and calling you a panderer and all this stuff. Look, somebody got to do it.

But I want to add on to that because I think it's a double-sided coin. You also can't feel entitled that I have to get up.

That's also true.

So it is definitely a fine line. So how would you tell them to move that?

I would say, look, this is what I feel like. When women have an energy, It's almost like a damsel in distress energy. When women have the energy that say, please come save me, or the energy that says, please help me, or the energy that says, I really need you, or the energy that says, oh man, I've had a long day. If I could only have some help. Men want to solve the problem, whether they know you or they don't. Men want to solve the problems for feminine women.

Men want to give to feminine women. It is just, it's human nature. It's just the way that it is. So if men are not getting up out of their seat, or if men are not saying, hey, let me help you put your luggage up here in the airplane, or if men are not chaining up their dogs a little closer when you come around, there's one of two things happening. One, he's just a complete doofus with zero self-awareness, which is probably not the case. Or two, she has masculine energy.

You can't see energy, but you can feel it. A man doesn't want to help a man. So if you have man-like energy, even though masculinity is not, they're not gender-based, they're energy-based. If you have man-like energy, a man doesn't want to help you. So I would ask you to take a look in the mirror.

Yeah.

Entitlement never gets you anywhere. It's nice to have, but oftentimes you rarely get that result, in my personal opinion.

So you often say that women have to get out of survival mode, but her day-to-day life puts her back into survival mode.

I think that's such a bunch of malarkey.

Malarkey is crazy.

Thank you. I do. I think that's such BS.

She works in a masculine aura-based job.

I have to say this, Anissa. What? Do you think for one second that men that are nurses say, I work in a female dominated field. So I have to move in my femininity and I have to be extra soft. You know what? Maybe I'll start liking men. Because I am a nurse. No, that doesn't happen. Do you think that men that are teachers are saying, you know what?

I'm working in a female dominated field. And so now I have to change the identity and the character that I have because of who's around me. No, that is an excuse. And it is a cop out. The truth is, life is hard. No matter what field you're in, no matter where you go, every single person is going to get punched in the face by life. And honestly, they're probably going to get punched in the face more than a dozen times in their life. And sometimes they might get beat down so bad they have to hit a fetal position on the floor. That's life. That's just the way that it has. I've personally hit probably a dozen fetal positions in my life, and I'm 38.

Right.

So if you haven't been punched in the face by life yet, one, where are you from? I don't understand.

Wow.

What a life that must be. And also number two, you're probably weak because you're not battle tested and you've never been through anything. We go through things and we can either let life make us bitter or we can let life make us better. But nowhere am I going to sit here and pretend like just because of the fields that we're in or how hard our day was that now I get to project that as my energy. No, it's a cop out.

So let me ask you this.

Because this is, I don't, I just don't want you to sound insensitive to like women who are truly going through burnout, right?

I've been through burnout.

Hold on, Sarah.

Okay, go ahead.

Let me finish. Get to it, girl. Go ahead.

I just feel like for women who, you know, work a lot of hours, they may or may not.

Be raising children. There is a lot of things that could be possibly pulling at them. Their mental health is being challenged. They may or may not be going to therapy. I just feel like you're saying a blanket statement for a majority when it's not, it's different for each person. So it's like, You say you've dealt with burnout. So how does one get out of burnout when they don't have as big of a support system or the people, the village, the love and the nurturing that you have?

Because you have a humongous support system.

Not really. That can actually support with words. Yes. But with action, not really. I've had two people that I could count on in my life since I moved to America at 20 years old by myself. I moved to a whole new country at 20 years old by myself. to pursue acting at that. So I'm a cliche, right? So I say that to say that how do you get out of burnout? From my personal experience, a lot of the times we get burned out because we're working too much, working too much, working too much, working too much.

But a lot of the times we're wasting energy, resources, time, money, space on stuff that doesn't matter. We're not doing the small things that are actually in alignment with what we want. So how did I get out of burnout? Instead of looking at where I am right now, And I definitely wasn't looking at where I wanted to go because sometimes where you want to go, ooh, child is so far away from where I am. I feel like I could never make it. I feel like I'll never get there.

I feel like I'll never be successful. So I'm not looking at that. I'm looking at where I want to go. Then I'm reverse engineering it. Okay, let's use money because it's easy to measure. I know if I want to get to $ 100, 000, that's $ 8, 333 a month. That still feels too big. Well, $ 8, 333 a month is only $ 277 a day.

What do I need to do in order to make $ 277 a day? Now, 277, doesn't that sound more tangible?

Yeah.

So now over time, this is what I'm going to do. How do I get to 277? Well, today I made $ 38.

Okay.

Well, I'm not that far from 277 next week. I made $ 67. Okay. I'm getting closer to 277. And in six months from now, I get to a space where I'm making $ 277 every other day. I'm still not at my goal, but because I'm not looking at, I need to make $ 8, 333 a month. I need to, I need to make a hundred thousand dollars, you know, a year.

I'm not looking at the big thing. I'm looking at the little thing. And how can I take the most intentional action oriented steps towards that thing? If you're facing burnout or you feel like you're in survival, you need to get really clear on what's necessary. What is mandatory? What is a standard? And you need to dust off everything else because all of those little mundane things oftentimes just wear you and your energy out. Now you're even more burnt out. And sometimes even our thoughts will burn us out even more.

So let me ask you this. I need a follow-up question.

Can you explain and describe the difference between what's necessary and what's required and what's standard?

To then block everything else out, to recover from burnout?

So first of all, this is subjective. I don't know what every person needs, right? You have to decide for you. What's most important for you? If I can struggling to pay my rent every single month, if I am struggling to be a present parent every single month, and if I am struggling to be intimate with my husband every single month, if those are my biggest issues, What is causing these things? And a lot of us talk about the result of the root of the issue. We don't talk about the root of the issue. Well, the problem is you are wasting four hours a day on social media and you don't even realize that you're doing it.

If you're on Facebook, TikTok, and Instagram for four hours out of every day, and now I got to go to work, and now by the time I get home, I don't feel like having energy for my kids. I don't feel like having energy for my husband. And I didn't work on that little side business that I wanted to do. Well, if you're just complaining about the problem, you're only focused on the kids, the husband, and the business.

When the root of the issue is I spend too much time on social media. I spend too much time in the tabloids. I spend too much time listening to this person's new album. So you're wasting, I spend too much time sleeping, whatever it could possibly be. There's all of these different things that we do that is a waste of our time, our energy and our resources. Pardon me.

Oh my gosh. I am just burpy today. Sorry guys, for those that are listening. I'm complete.

So you said something earlier.

You said, if you know one of your struggles, is I'm not being intimate with my husband.

That is a humongous struggle.

So speak to the wives who feel like it's okay to tell their husbands, I'm not in the mood today, every day for like a month.

I'm not around here.

I'm just saying, they exist. I have friends that are in sexless marriages. It's really sad.

How come you can be You can make yourself get in the mood for work, and that's for eight hours. You can't get in the mood for 10 minutes for your husband.

Because she don't like that man like that, Sarah.

That's crazy. That's literally crazy. If y'all are going to get to it real quick before you go to work, this is what doesn't make any sense to me. People will put on their best face, put on their best actions. You don't get to not be in the mood for me. Get in the mood.

Get in the mood.

Get in the mood. If he gives you that sign. Now, this is the only thing, the only time where I feel like and I do feel like couples need to come up with a time where don't don't try to wake me up out of sleep because I feel like those are pumpkin hours.

Right.

It's in the book, the book, The Queen's Code. I love how they said this. This is these are the pumpkin hours when when the carousel turns into the pumpkin. I am no longer a shiny carousel from this time to this time while I am in REM sleep. Don't don't mess me up out of my sleep. Please, for the love of God, because it's going to be a problem.

I'm going to be resentful. I'm going to be tired. I'm going to be groggy. And over time, I'm not saying all the time, because sometimes, you know, a little razzle and a dazzle. However, other times, I'm talking about the majority of the time, y'all got to come up with a rule of if it's between this time and this time, and it is essential for you to operate at your best self. Okay, great. We're not going to do it at that time. But if you mean to tell me it's seven in the morning, I got to get up to go to work. You got to get up to go to work. And he's like, hey, what's up?

I'm not in the mood. I do not feel like that's a healthy answer to your partner. I feel like that's actually a very dangerous answer to your partner. Get in the mood.

What do you got to do?

What needs to happen? How do you get in the mood for work?

We have to because we don't want to get evicted.

So you have to because you don't want to get divorced.

You're hurt.

I mean, I'm not saying you're wrong.

I'm just saying why people do it. Get in the mood.

How does one get in the mood?

I don't know.

It's subjective. That is relative to whoever needs to do it. I don't know what you need to do.

What if, like, what if, because it says as women get older, they are more, their sex drive increases.

Definitely true.

Amen.

All right.

Listen.

Okay, Brock, you won, huh? Anyway, and as men get older, their sex drives decreases.

Yeah.

So....

I think that's like... Forty five.

Is it OK? So my question is, is it worse for a woman to not be in the mood for sex or the husband to not be in the mood for sex?

I think it's worse for both.

OK, good.

Don't neglect your partner sexually. I feel like that is your job. Like it's a part of the requirement of a relationship. Why is it if you and this is the thing, too, for women, if you know that your husband or your partner can only get that one thing from you and you're not in the mood. get in the mood.

But he just lied to me about something figure how you know he lied.

Because i caught him in the lie.

Sarah well then maybe it's not time to do it right then and there.

But he wants to do it right now i don't want i don't even want to look at him i feel like men be wanting sex at the most inconvenient times when they know they're in trouble like men men do that they'd be like hey when they know they don't piss you off come Come on.

I don't know. I don't know. I can't speak to that. I can't speak to that. All I can speak to is we as women, we as women, number one, need to stop weaponizing sex. There are different consequences. Taking away the one thing that you know that that man is most excited about and could easily get elsewhere is jacked up.

Because men weaponize sex too.

Some, but not as many. Not as many.

It's because you can't digmatize the same man. Who says that?

They know. First of all, I'm not even having the sex.

I'm just saying, men use their penis to weaponize the sex. They know that you mad at them, so they're going to give you the best sex of their life.

They're going to give you.

The best 30 seconds that they can give you.

Maybe.

And also, maybe not. I don't know. I'm complete. I feel like get in the mood. If your partner wants it, give it to them. Because if you can get ready for work or if you can get ready for them kids, or you can get ready for your in-laws coming over that you may not like, or you can get ready for anything else. Why is it that you will do that?

But then with your partner, you can't give him. That doesn't make any sense to me. I don't feel like you should sexually neglect your partner ever. I think it's silly. And I think it's a misstep. You don't want to.

But what if the woman feels neglected in every other area?

That's a hard conversation she needs to have. And also, by the way, this is another thing, too, for women that are like, but what about but what about but what about how much are you neglecting the fact that you're not willing to have the hard conversation? Or maybe it's too much of an emotionally charged conversation where he can't even understand where you're coming from. Or maybe it's the fact that you're creating a story inside of your mind and it's not even the reality of what is.

I'm not saying there aren't men that are that are bad out there. I'm not saying that at all. What I am saying is I don't think most men are just out here disrespecting their women, lying to their women, scheming to their women. I don't see that. I don't see that. Is there a bad pool?

Of course.

And there's also a terrible pool of women. When are we going to start acknowledging that we are the issue in our own relationship? Because our partner is our mirror. And if there is something inside of you that is upset because of your partner, it really has nothing to do with your partner. Most times it's, it's, I'm not enough.

I don't feel loved. I don't feel acknowledged. I don't feel appreciated. I don't feel respected. I don't feel in your word here, which actually has nothing to do with that person. That's your work, not theirs. Now they can help you co-regulate, but for people like we had, uh, uh, Jeff St. James on the show for people that say, oh, I'm healed. You've been single for five years. You're not healed.

You've just never been triggered.

Mm-hmm.

So do you feel like one has to be in a relationship to see if they're ready to be in a relationship or not?

I think people need to be in a relationship to see how healed they really are because you're only as healed as you know.

So, okay.

So break that down in a scenario. Let's say that I'm ready to start back dating after being single for four years or whatever. Let's say... I'm just casually dating. I'm not having sex with anybody. I'm just, there's a couple of guys that I like, he likes me and I'm just filling them out. Like at what point am I gauging like in that process? Like, no, I'm not ready for that relationship.

Like, okay, cool.

Like we're dating, but do people really trigger people in dating or do they hide behind a mask for so long? Sometimes it's both.

And only discernment and time will reveal those things to you. I'm not going to sit here and act like every date I've ever been on was a perfect date with a perfect person. That's not the reality. But I am going to say that when you observe people and experience people enough, this is another thing too. A lot of the times women are asking questions and getting answers through words.

But what are their actions saying? And this is another thing too. Sometimes men ask women the questions and women are telling the men the cheat code instead of letting them experience it. If I tell you how to get an A on this test, you're going to get an A on this test. If I'm giving you the answer for the test, you're going to get, you have the answer key.

Yeah, but there's 101 tests. If I'm not asking for some answers, I'm going to fail this. Right.

But it's a different type of test. It's a different type of test, right? You're not asking the questions of, there's a difference between when you're marriage-minded and you're asking marriage-minded questions versus, well, what do you think about how you like your hair to be pulled when you, there's completely different tests. How you talk to someone is different.

What you're looking for is different. The alignment that you have, the end goal that you have, it's all a different type of test. But sometimes we as women give the cheat code before they're even worthy of knowing that they should even be in the classroom. Does that make sense?

Not from the male perspective. How am I supposed to figure you out?

I'm saying it depends on what you're looking for. What are you looking for? I think, let's not say you, but if you're looking to have a good time, that's a different test than if you're looking for marriage. So if a woman goes to a man that's having a good time and she was like, yeah, I can't wait to be married. I want to have two kids. And the guy that's looking for a good time is like, yeah, I can't wait to be married one day too. I want to, what do you think? Two, three kids? How do you think that is? So now you're telling her what she wants to hear, but it's not the truth.

But I think I wouldn't necessarily say that because a guy as a guy, her being a wife and or her being more outside doesn't disqualify her for my entire life. It just kind of puts her in a specific category.

Right.

But I also know for a man, when you when you yourself are not in the category of husband, it doesn't matter if you yourself are in. I'm going to have fun point in your life. It doesn't matter what woman comes up to you. You're not switching over to husband. Women can't switch you into husbands. Men have to switch themselves into husbands. And I think that's a delusion that we as women have thinking that we can change a man into thinking that he's going to be there. You know what I mean? So I say that to say that it's like, women can't make men change men at least not sustainably over time there's no longevity in that a man has to want to change for himself and it is a benefit of the woman but a man's

not out here no masculine man is changing for a woman it's just.

Giving very male centered to me male centered that's just what it's giving this is.

What's crazy to me because I feel like people try to tell me I'm male centered I am nuclear family centered And imagine this, what's so crazy, this is how brainwashed we are as a society. We're so brainwashed that when I start saying happy house, happy spouse, happy spouse, happy house, when I start saying this, women are like, no, you're male centered. You just care about men. Imagine how entitled and how egotistical and how mentally ill you have to be to think that you can't even add a man to the center. The problem is we are centered.

This is a woman centered society. This is absolutely 1000% unequivocally without a shadow of a doubt, a woman centered society. And every time I try to talk about adding men to the center, oh, you're male centered.

No, I'm not.

I'm nuclear family centered. The problem is you want me to talk about how good women are. You want me to focus on how perfect women are. We're not perfect.

None of us. We never said that.

Yes, we do. Because why else would we expect everything and offer nothing?

Nothing.

Why?

Why else? When you look at these dating streets and it's not everyone. And I hate that like the good girls are in the house. They're inside. I'm telling you, there's so many good women out here. And I hate that the loud collective is so loud. It's really making men think that there aren't good women. There are good women out here.

There are.

Yeah, there's so many. But in the loud collective. And what we see on Instagram and Facebook and just out in general, these women are entitled. They're mean. They're disrespectful. They're emotionally dysregulated. They can't even have a conversation where you get to check that person without them lashing out.

I wouldn't want to date you either if I was a man.

Yeah, you can't say anything to women nowadays. No.

They go off.

Women go off.

It's like a lose-lose because either they go off or they're emotional. Yeah. It's a lose-lose.

That's crazy work. That's crazy work.

Not.

Okay.

I'm complete.

All right. Yeah, because I'm going to move forward from that.

So on top of you talking about, well, the world, the collective saying that you're male-centered, they also say that men lack leadership.

And.

I have to pause you. What?

Why do you think that is?

Why do I think that is?

Yes.

Because a lot of these men didn't have fathers that raised them well. They were raised by women.

So what I just heard you say is women are raising the men they don't like.

Yeah.

Women are raising the men that they wouldn't date themselves.

I don't believe that.

Women, single mothers are creating the monsters that they cry about.

And naming them king. Right.

It's so crazy to me.

Not all single women, but there's a lot of single women.

There's a lot of single women. And also, this is.

Well, single mothers.

Okay.

Oh, I'm just going to get so frustrated.

Sarah, please.

I'm about to get so.

Not all single women raise effeminate men. Not all of them.

Not all of them, because they did a good job by keeping, you know, powerful men around.

No, this is what I'm going to say. When women stop acting like the men they say they want... men will have better leadership. When women will allow themselves to create safe spaces for men, then we can have a real conversation. When women are okay with men catching up, because the truth is most times men have to catch up, especially in an emotional capacity. Because most men are not being asked the questions where what they say matters, where how they feel matters. They're not in relationships where women are even open to seeing it on their side. Men lack leadership. Okay, I can see why people say that.

And also, how does it get better? By allowing men to trust the leadership that they have in themselves. How do we do that? By following their lead without wronging them for not having it.

Well, how can we trust a man to lead us properly if we don't.

Know what type of leader?

Then don't date.

Stay single.

The same women that say that call men controlling.

What are you talking about?

The same women that be like, men don't lead, men can't lead, men are controlling. Yo, it's late. You should probably be headed to the... Oh, you can't tell me to be home. Women don't want to hear nothing. They got everything.

I'm complete. I'm complete. What's up, guys? Sarah Fontenot here. I just had to pause this episode really quick to let you know, if you have not yet, click the link below for our e-book, okay? How to Become a More Feminine Woman. People ask me these things. These are actionable 10 quick steps, intro to femininity, with a video that goes over some things in even more detail. So that's for you. Make sure to click that link below and get your e-book on how to increase your femininity.

10 really simple steps. Love you guys. Now let's get back to it.

So let's talk about men wanting a DNA test on their kids.

Because here's the thing.

I think that's really crazy. Because how are you in a marriage? How are you in a whole marriage and you get a DNA test on your kids that you.

Had with your wife? That's that's asinine.

I mean, that's one.

Because you're implying that you think she cheated on you.

Is it? It is. Or.

Oh my God. Or.

So look, I just saw this video, right? I was having this conversation with Brock. I completely didn't understand it. And he opened my whole perspective because I didn't know that this was a thing. So apparently, and he used the example, there's a lesbian woman who is currently paying child support for her girlfriend's baby or her ex-girlfriend's baby. Now, obviously that's not her kid, but what happens is if the government, if you, if you're coming in as this is your kid, now you got to pay child support for a kid that you've proven is not even yours.

So I feel like, would I feel a way if Brock was like, I want a paternity test? I'd be like, that's so interesting. Why would, like, why, that's so.

You losing your top.

Right, you gon' lose it.

I'm sorry.

I love how Sarah's playing it so.

Cool, bro. It's like a pre, what's it called?

No, y'all, it's like a prenup.

No, it's not.

You think I'm upset if he asks for a prenup?

Identifying that you think the seed in me ain't your seed is going to set you off.

But if you look at it like that, what if you're looking at it like, I want to make sure that this is mine. I want to legalize my child. It's the same way.

It's protection. Legitimizing your child and getting a DNA. Look, if I'm not married, I'm running it. I'm hoping that with my wife, I got enough confidence that child is mine.

But shouldn't you have the confidence? Is there anything wrong with legitimizing your child?

No, in the state of Georgia, you have to no matter what. No, you don't. Yes, you do.

No, you do not. No, you don't.

Honestly, I don't know.

You don't have to legitimize.

Okay, so you're telling me that just doing a DNA test is different from doing a legitimizing your child. Correct. Okay, so break down the difference.

I'm not mistaken. I'm not from Georgia, but I have friends that are down here and they had to legitimize their child through the state of Georgia despite being with like signing the birth certificate and all that other stuff and being there. Marriage might be a little different.

Yeah, they have to do that if they want to have certain rights and protections over the child.

So what is the difference between a DNA test? It's the same thing.

DNA test is just for me to prove his mom.

I mean, to be honest, I believe that DNA test should.

Be mandatory regardless. Legitimizing my child is recognizing it in the state's eyes that I have the same rights as the woman who buried my child. So if you don't, then that woman can do whatever she wants with your child.

I agree with legitimizing your child.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If you're in a relationship, if you are boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, fianceed, or married, married is kind of crazy, but I feel like there are people paying child support out here for kids that aren't theirs.

They're not.

Women are lying left and right.

And so I don't think that there's anything necessarily wrong, but I do think that I do think that the woman will probably look at you like, oh, that's kind of, because DNA, because now that I understand the difference, that means you don't trust me.

Correct. Right.

That's what I'm saying.

I would feel a way about that.

You wouldn't just feel a way.

There was no way.

Legitimizing, though. But then why wouldn't all parents, so what is the, why not just.

That's a Georgia thing. I don't know how many other states do it.

Georgia's weird.

You don't have to do that in New York. You don't have to do that in Connecticut. You don't do that in Jersey.

I feel like I don't care where I am. I would want to do that. Because I feel like regardless, I feel like people should.

But the state recognizes you as a parent. In Georgia, the state doesn't recognize the male as a parent.

That's very true.

Until he legitimizes his child.

It's definitely mama's baby, papa's maybe in Georgia.

Correct.

A thousand percent.

That's crazy work.

If I sign it in New York, if I sign the birth certificate, I'm good. Even if it's not my kid, I'm still... But it's different out here.

Dang. All right, I'm complete. I just learned something.

Thanks, y'all. No problem. So.

Sarah, I have to also ask you, is it ever okay to communicate with your ex?

No.

Do you have kids?

Let's say yes and no.

If you do not have kids, for what? You got a business together or something?

No.

For what? What am I talking to you for?

I'm just asking.

You're a walking corpse.

You heard?

Swear to God.

You're a walking horse.

Tell him, Sarah.

You're a walking horse.

Tell him, Sarah.

Like, I can't see you. Now, this is the thing. Even if it doesn't end badly, out of respect, like maybe if I was single and it didn't, like things didn't end bad, like cool, if I see you, what's up? If I'm in a relationship, you don't exist. I've never, I don't know that man. I've never seen him before in my life. I can't even see, I see through this person because I would just, I just, I don't know.

For me, I feel like it's a matter of respect. For what reason do I have to have conversations with this person?

What if we work together?

In what way?

In corporate. Let's just say that I used to date a guy that I worked with at the office.

Great.

Keep working. And why would I speak to him? Why would you speak to him at work?

Yeah.

For what reason?

Let's just say that the job is very team oriented.

Like y'all aren't integrated.

So do the job and go home. I'm not kiki-ing with you. I'm not talking about you. I'm not telling you how my cat is or my dog is or how my week has been. No, I'm not interested.

You better sign that man up to your Slack account.

Black account is crazy.

Stop playing with me.

And also, I feel like kids are the only reason that makes sense in my mind why you would have a conversation. And even with kids, you got to have the strongest boundaries. But this is the thing, too. I've said this once and I'll say it again. I don't think that women ever really get over their first baby daddy ever.

That's a lie.

They don't.

It's a whole thing. I don't think they do. I think that man will always have a piece of your heart. That man can always slither back in unless he did something crazy to you. Like if he abused you, whooped you, something like that. But if, if it was, you thought this was going to be your first love and bring your first baby into this world, that man will always have access to you. I don't like it. That man's dead too.

Corpse.

I don't agree. I've been telling you, that's how I go into the bodies. I always say, you got to have enough exes that I could kill them all and get away with it.

Man.

If you got more than that, it's not going to work.

It's a very generalized statement, Sarah.

I think that. I think most women would want to be, because this is the thing too, and then women start doing weird stuff like caveats, like, no, we're closed. I need you to be here.

I am.

We're closed. No, you're not.

Yeah, I ain't doing none of that. My best friend, my brother, shorty, nah, we ain't doing none of that. Let me see the DNA test. Wait, what? We ain't doing none of that. When girls be like, that's my brother, that's my cousin.

And then the other part about it is, what's frustrating is it's like, women will be like, well, it was for her birthday or I had to talk to him, do whatever. Stop it. If you want to be with that man, go be with that man. Stop creating excuses as to why you want to go over there. Just go be over there.

So do you believe that it's okay for women to become friends with their ex?

No.

Let's just say they're not in a relationship with anybody new.

No.

So, and so you.

Need some playing, bro.

I'm not playing. I'm genuinely asking.

She was looking at me like she was about to be like, you friends, who my friends with?

Who my friends with?

Because this corpse is for me. And if I see you.

Shut up.

Good to see you.

Keep it moving. We are not, we're not, we are not friends. Like we will never be friends. That ship is, is, is deaded.

So you're like, so.

You're going to look me dead in my face before you were married to Brock.

Yeah. Yeah.

You are not a friend to.

Any one of your exes. Stop it. Stop.

Because I know only a couple of her exes. I just need you to look at me.

Square on.

Yes. Let the challenge begin.

What's the question?

Go ahead.

Ask me the question directly so I can tell you directly. Where's the camera at? This camera? I'm right here?

Go ahead.

Ask me and I'm going to look dead right here. And they know who they are. If I'm wrong, God strike me down right now. I don't communicate with exes.

Your words are powerful, Sarah.

They sure are.

Sarah.

They sure are.

Sarah, you got to chill.

Anissa, you got to chill.

So you telling me, I'm going to ask you straight on. So you telling me.

Mm-hmm.

That before you got married, you wasn't friends with not a damn one of your exes.

No. Wait, wait, wait. Let's slow down real quick.

You see how you turned off the camera when you said that?

You lied. It was the hunger games for you. So I feel like there's some inconsistencies here.

What are y'all talking about? If I was in a relationship, I'm in a committed, exclusive relationship with a person. It does not work out.

Wait, say that one more time.

If I am in a committed, exclusive relationship with a person, they could be a dope person. They're super cool. When I see you, it's cordial. I'm not going to cross the street, but I'm not going to sit here and kiki in your face. I'm not going to dinner with you. I'm not talking on the phone to catch up. We are not friends. We will never be friends.

So you've never ended a relationship with a friend like, oh, we'll be better off as friends.

That never came out. That's never happened before.

I'm looking for some clarity here. Hold on. Yeah. Even prior to Brock, right, prior to marriage, anyone you've broken up with has never been... You've never maintained a relationship with them?

No.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I just.

Don't have enough history facts to... No.

I haven't known them long enough.

Committed exclusive relationship. Now, have there been men that I've been getting to know in the dating phase that I've never laid down with that I'm still... Well, not still, but at the time when I was single was cool with? Of course. Of course. But if you never crossed the line, that was never my person. If I was never in a committed exclusive relationship... there's nothing, there's nothing. But I feel like it's disrespectful to my partner to stay friends with people that I've dated, that I've been with, in a relationship with.

I feel like that's crazy. So scenario, let's just say, let's just say you and Brock aren't married yet.

Let's just say this, y'all, y'all, you were dating for longer than six days. And let's say you found out, let's say you didn't know Brock. He wasn't your friend. Like y'all just met.

Oh, let's date.

And y'all started dating. And then you find, out he has a female best friend. How does that make you feel? And would you want him to create space between them two because you're now in the picture?

I couldn't be with a man that has a female best friend.

Why? Even if they never slept together?

The only way is if she is 400 pounds, unattractive. Wait a minute. Unless he is severely unattracted to this woman. And I mean, just nothing went right. Like nothing, no symmetry, no nothing. And even then, I wouldn't trust that because it's like, that's so different from who you are. No, I just personally, I don't think I could be with a man that has a female best friend because that's weird to me. Because why?

What about female friends? Maybe not besties, but female friends that look for him for guidance.

What's the difference between a bestie and a friend?

Hold on now. I mean, I know the difference between a bestie and a friend.

You know the difference between a best friend and a friend.

I know that, but I'm saying, like, I don't understand, like, why can't a man have, like, a best friend of the opposite sex?

They could do whatever they want to do.

My man. Yeah. Just told somebody that the other day. You do what you want.

Yeah.

Just not around here.

Yeah, no, I couldn't. Me personally, and y'all could call me insecure. Y'all could call me crazy. You could call me stupid. I don't care. The truth of the matter is, this is my standard. I would not choose a man that chose to be best friends with a woman. I wouldn't choose that.

But why?

Because why?

Why?

This is the thing, too.

That's not a good enough answer, Sarah.

No, really.

I don't think guys and girls can be friends. I don't think that.

Sarah.

I do not think that.

I've said that a thousand times.

Sarah, you said on the podcast before that you pick who you date.

From your friends.

From my friend group. Right.

Exactly. So are they friends? They're not friend-zoned. This is what I'm saying.

So what's the difference between friends and friend-zoned?

Nah, we had a whole thing about this before. We can't go back down now.

Friend-zoned means I would never. You don't have a shot in hell over here to date me for real. Friends means y'all, y'all got it going on. You're cool. You have good energy. We're vibing. I kind of, I get to know the people. I date the people inside of my friend group. And then I choose whoever makes the most sense. We choose each other, right? Friends. But if I were to call any of those friends and say, hey, it's three o'clock in the morning and I've had a really bad day and I really just like need a chest to lay on. They're going.

You heard?

And if you would have sex with me, you're not my friend. If you would have sex with me, you're not my friend. I don't have sex with my friends.

What if that's what my female friend needs from her friend?

What'd you say? So this is what I'm saying, y'all. I don't, I could not, I would not choose. Now, could he be an incredible man?

Sure.

But there's too many incredible men out here that don't do that. So why would I put myself in that position? I don't even understand. That don't make no sense to me.

So do you believe that a woman with male best friends is a red flag?

Yeah, for sure.

I'm asking Sarah.

I don't, I don't think that men, I don't think that women with male best friends Well, I don't know. It depends. Why are they your best friend? And are they in your friend zone? Or are they in the friend group?

Let's just say that.

Is she married?

No, let's say she's single.

Well, if she's single, then no. I feel like that is hunger games. You know what I mean? Go out there. Have the time of your life. Get to know people. Talk to people. Be close with people. Don't sleep with nobody. I think that's the key, right? So I think that, honestly... I don't think it's a red flag. I don't think it's a red flag, especially when you're a highly sought after woman. There are perks that come with being single.

And I do have to say this because a lot of people in the comments, the last time I said, what am I giving up by being a married woman? And it's the opportunities and the favors that come with being a sought after single woman, right? And then, but you gain other things by being a married woman, right?

So it's a plus and a minus. There's perks and there's whatever the opposite of a perk is. So I say that to say that, When you are a single sought after woman, I think the problem is we as women get to a space where we're counting on all of the favors that we get from all of these different men, which then now makes us incapable of choosing one man. Because if five of these men over here, this man obviously can't give you what these five are giving you because there's five of them and there's one of him.

Right.

And so now you're looking for the treatment that you would get from five, from one person. And now you're like, no man is enough. But the truth is that sometimes you being a single sought after woman can actually work to the negative because how many older women that are beautiful do we see now coming out being like, I just want to have a man. I wish I would have settled down earlier. I should have actually had kids.

And they don't do it because it's like a drug. That attention becomes a drug where it's looking like I could do better. I could do better. I could do better. I could do better. I could do better. And then you can't do anything.

And then they listen to Sexy Red too.

And then you have no options. You get up there and then you're upset because you're 43 or you're 47 or you're 52 or you're 38. And you get to a space where No one man seems like he's enough and the five men don't want you for real. So where do you go from here? And I think that that is a plague on the woman today. Like if you would just look at the man that's in front of you, women, this is one thing that I'll say, take a really good inventory of the men that are around you right now. And look at that man with potential in action. Potential in theory, we don't care about.

But look at him for potential in action. This is a loyal man, but he's only 5'10 or 5'8. If he's a good man, but he only makes $ 80, 000 a year, which is great, by the way, for most people. I think we have to get out of the delusion and thinking that we're going to have these unicorns of men. But you've never been around unicorns. Like, that's the thing that trips me out every time. These women are like, I deserve, I deserve. What makes you think that?

That's my confusion. Like, can they put out a pamphlet so I can understand?

Yeah, and if you deserve it, show me who's done it for you before.

And they're never around. The guy that did it before is ghost.

But not only is he ghost, but did it actually happen?

They're lying. That's a good one.

So if you've never even had the type of men that you say that you want, why would you get it now? When you're older, more jaded, more bitter, you listen less, you know, you're more focused on your accolades. You're leading with all the things that men don't want to hear about. Why would a man choose you?

Man, you gotta relax.

You gotta relax.

I'm being serious. I'm being so serious. And it is the plague of the woman. Truly, because we're looking for the bigger, better deal. What is in front of you? I bet you right now, every woman that hears this podcast has a good man, at least one, probably two really solid men around them. But because he's not good for her ego, she won't choose them because he's not someone worth bragging about. She won't choose him. Not knowing that the actual brag or the flex is a man that loves you down. Not knowing that the brag or the flex is a man that wants to be a provider for you, that wants to cherish you, that wants to drop your last name and change it to his.

That's the flex. The flex is not, oh my God, I got flown out to Dubai. Yeah, but what happened over there?

I'm sorry.

You might've came back with 50 grand, but what'd you have to do?

Talk about it.

Had to get on shorty. Shorty.

So this is what I'm saying. We, as women, as long as we're looking for the bigger, better deal, we will always end up single, bitter, jaded. And then we teach our daughters, you don't need a man. You don't need to depend on a man for nothing. There's nothing a man can do for you that you can't do for you. And now we're raising young women to have masculine energy. You can't see energy, but you sure feel it.

And a masculine man is running, sprinting away. From masculine energy in a woman. Because why would he choose her? Why? He has every option. Why would he choose her? I don't think we're being realistic.

I'm complete. Kenny just gave me the rap. One more?

No. I don't want one more.

You asking me?

One more.

Oh, okay, cool.

One more.

Ooh, this is a good one.

Sarah.

Because we talked about this before. Should women... ask their men for permission to chop off all their hair?

Do women want their partners to be attracted to them?

I would think so.

So I would think so. I feel like, I feel like, honestly, when it comes to making a huge shift in the way that you look, I think you should consult your partner. Because what if he doesn't like short hair? Some men really don't like short hair at all. Maybe like you got a man, like you have a man head. Now I'm looking at you like you a man. I'm serious.

I've heard men say this. Like she got the dude dude. You know what I mean? Like I've literally heard men say this. So if you were to chop off your hair and now he don't want to touch you, Because you remind him of a man and he doesn't want that.

It had to do with her face though. Her face looks, she looks like a woman.

We all know how much hair changes a face. We all know this. I personally, I'm not making no big changes to myself without consulting with my husband. And I don't think my husband should make no changes to himself. That would be like, my husband cutting off his beard without even saying like, oh.

Would you be mad if Brock cut off his beard?

I don't necessarily like a shorty with shorter hair, but I'm not going to kick up a storm if I come home and my shorty's hair is cut. I don't think I have space for that.

I feel like out of respect, I wouldn't make no big shifts. I would get a quick weave.

You want to go short? So if I shave the beard, then she can leave me too?

No, I feel like there's just certain things. Like if he was like, what's the thing where you shave for like a certain month or something?

No shave November.

But don't you shave?

You don't shave.

Well, what's the month where you shave?

You don't do that. It's only no shave November.

Oh, see, even they know. Don't shave off the beard. Keep the facial hair.

You can go from fine man.

To porn director real quick. I want to get some more understanding on this. You're saying... Is there any consequences of not cutting your hair? Like, he's kind of got to deal with it if you cut it anyways, right? You're just saying out of consideration.

I think out of consideration, you should absolutely consult with your partner. Now, that being said, if he's like, okay, cool, do whatever you want. Go do whatever you want. Go as big as long. But if he was like, I really don't like short hair, don't find that out after you cut all your hair off.

So if you cut your hair, he could break up with you?

I mean, this is what I think. I think if you know he really doesn't like short hair.

You don't have the conversation. You just do you. You're an independent woman.

That's tough.

Cut your hair.

He can leave. That's what happens when you're an independent woman.

If I don't tell Shorty and I shave my beard, she can leave?

It depends what you look like without a beard on.

That's crazy work, yo. I don't know.

I just feel like that's so inconsistent. That's so crazy. I don't even feel like it's about the beard. I feel like it's about the consideration.

You know what I'm saying? It's my beard. It's not her beard.

See, you're talking about the result. I'm talking about the root. if I don't feel considered by certain things, like how you look, how I'm attracted to you, I don't know. And I've never thought about, I've never really, maybe I should ask Brock, would he ever just shave his beard off without letting me know? Also, I feel like, I feel like, I don't know. I feel like I'm just a considerate person. I think he's a naturally a considerate person. Well, for me.

But the consideration, that's why I try to ask about the scale. Like being like, I don't really like it. Don't do that again is one thing. But like, Being able to, that being a factor that could jeopardize an entire relationship is a whole nother thing.

This is what I'm saying. This is why I think it could jeopardize a relationship. If you were with a woman that cut all her hair off and now all you can think of is that she's a boy. Some women have more masculine features.

What if I have that thing and she gets chemo? But pause.

That's different, right? Because that's life or death. That's what has to happen. But if you are choosing to do something and you might have a little more masculine features. So now he's really looking at you like, I don't know if I could see you any different type of way. And the attraction is dead. You need polarity in order to be successful in any relationship. So if that's the case, and you've killed the attraction.

Yeah.

You could go, maybe it's, you go put a wig on, you don't end the relationship. Maybe it's, you go get braids. Hopefully they could grip something. You know, I don't know what the answer is, but I do think that when it comes to making big changes in anything, your finances, the way you look like that, that's like saying, I don't want to be a Christian anymore. I'm an atheist.

Like I don't get to make big decisions because For me, and I feel like my appearance is a big decision, personally. It's somebody that looks at me every day. I want him to be attracted to me. I care about what he thinks about being attracted to me. I'm not in a space, and I'm a very independent woman outside, but I'm not in a space where I want to be independent woman in my relationship. I think that's kind of wild.

I want to be considerate. And then if he's like, I don't really like short hair, but if you want to try it, try it. I'd get a quick weave. I'd do a short pixie-cutted quick weave. And I'd say, do I even like me with short hair? Because I don't even know if I got a head for that. I do not know.

That's very interesting.

I don't know. I don't know. And that's the thing. I feel like in marriage, there's too much I thinking instead of we thinking. It's not about what I want to do for me. It's about what's best for the colony. And there's nothing good about my husband not being attracted to me. And vice versa.

I don't believe that people don't understand what they're sacrificing when they get married.

Like they don't understand that their whole entire body belongs to their spouse.

Yeah, it does.

They don't understand. Like you don't have any control at all. And I think that's where the large collective.

Is so loud.

Yeah, I think it's it's everything shifts from I to we. And if you're not prepared to do that, don't get married.

Stay single.

Or in a relationship. Yeah. Nah, bro.

Don't get in a relationship because you're supposed to get in a relationship to get married.

Like, what's the point of getting in a relationship if you ain't going.

To get married?

What's the point?

I feel like relationships teach you, right? I feel like that's why you date multiple people because you learn different things about yourself. And even though, yes, the intention should be marriage. over time, you learn parts about yourself. Like I learned, I'm not a perfect partner. I know that sounds crazy. Say that. But I'm like, nope, I'm cooking up, cleaning up, loving up, nurturing up, this, something, that, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And also I struggled with control. And also I struggled with being selfish. And also, and also, and also. So Different people teach you different things about yourself. If you're willing to learn the lesson, it just makes you better. And it may not even work out with that person. But when you go to the next person, as long as you're learning the lessons, usually it's a higher quality person, a better option of a person, and a better match overall. Okay, so look, pause. I know you're enjoying this episode. I'll be super quick, okay? When you are on the go and you want to look cute, baby, we got merch now, okay?

So if your hair is a little tussled, turned, the edge control ain't edge controlling, go ahead and get you a cute little It's Giving hat. Or if you're thirsty, feeling parched, and you want your drink to stay cold all day, There was nothing.

In this cup.

But you know what? It will keep my beverages cold. So this is for you guys. We got hoodies. We got all the things. Make sure to check out the store below and get what you love. Let me tell you, it is quality over here, baby. Let's get it. Back to the show. I'm complete.

Y'all complete?

Yeah.

Kenny's giving us the wrap up. So guys, if you have made it this far, please hit that button below. Hit that little bell so you get a notification with each new piece. of content. Please hit that hype up button so we can put this out there in the algorithm, even though we are with iHeart and Black Effect now.

It's just kind of cool. But this show would not be the show without Shot by Anissa on the mic. What's up?

Hey, girl.

Hey.

We got our male perspective. It's show.tv on the mic.

What's up?

And we got our creative director, producer of the year. Who is Kenny V? What's up?

Who?

Yo, givers, do y'all agree with Sarah or is she tripping? Let us know in the comments and let us know if you needed something. About it, I'll tell you when you're going to cut your hair.

Let us know. Period. Make sure to comment, like, subscribe, and share. Do all the cool things. Let's go. Yes.

And if no one has told you today, you are freaking phenomenal. Bomb.com. Nothing can stop you but you. But you got to do something about it. I love you guys.

Bye. Peace.

What's up, guys? It's your girl, Sarah Fontenot, host of the It's Giving podcast, and I have some goodies for you today. Now, you already know about our How to Be More Feminine, a high-value feminine woman e-book. Well, we're taking it up a couple notches. We've got our e-book that's an ultimate self-love guide, and now we have our Boundaries Bible. This is the perfect trio on how to step into and be your best self, and also for the men, It's good for you too, okay? Sometimes our self-esteem, our low self-esteem, our low self-worth is blocking us from our blessing. And your blessing could be your future spouse, okay?

So make sure to check out MsSarafantno.com if this sounds interesting to you. Love you guys. Sending love and light. It's Giving Podcast is a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network.

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