Women Want Men to Be PERFECT! With Sarah Fontenot Shorter

0:00 What's up, guys?

0:01 It's your girl, Sarah Shorter, host of the It's Giving podcast, a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network and iHeartRadio. You can be with a successful man as a successful woman, but your success cannot come before that successful man, if he's a masculine man. That's just the reality of it. Women are dating for ego. It's more natural for a woman to plan the date. If your man is planning dates, be very grateful because that's not normal.

0:25 You are paying the bills. You are taking care of me.

0:28 All I have to do is be an incredible mom and a great mother and a great wife to you and plan a few dates so we can go out and have fun, but you're not planning the dates.

0:36 I'm ready to leave you. That is so selfish.

0:39 Some women weaponize child support that because your relationship didn't work out, oh, now I'm going to put you on child support. You weren't thinking about child support. You weren't even thinking about the demise of this relationship. But now that y'all are splitting, you're a single mom. Oh, I'm putting you on child support. There are some opportunities I've turned down because I'm a wife first. Then I'm a podcaster.

0:58 Then I'm an actress. Then I'm a speaker. No one lives as long as happily married couples. That is the longest. Then it's married men. Then it's single women. Then it's single men. Then it's unhappily married couples. Your partner can literally take years off of your life.

1:15 Thank you.

1:21 What's up, guys, and welcome to another episode of It's Giving. I am your host, Sarah Shorter, and if you have not yet, please hit that button below so you can get subscribed. Hit that bell so you get a notification with each new piece of content. Now, every week we are bringing you the real, the raw, the raggedy, and the rants. And in order to keep doing that, please make sure that you hit that hype button, okay, so we can get pushed out into the algorithm.

1:44 Make sure you're sharing this with some friends.

1:46 But the show would not be the show if it weren't for my girl on the mic, shot by Anissa.

1:50 What's up?

1:51 Hey, girl.

1:51 Hey.

1:52 And we got our male perspective. It's show.tv. What's up?

1:55 What's going on, queen? How you living?

1:57 Oh, phenomenally. And we've got creative director, producer of the year. Who is Kenny V? What's up?

2:02 Hope Givers.

2:03 I don't know about you, but I'm excited today because I know the team's coming with some heat and Stair is about to come with some real, raw, authentic answers.

2:11 Ooh, the pressure.

2:11 So make sure to like, comment, share, and subscribe because they're going to need to hear this.

2:16 Let's get it.

2:16 All right, Anissa, kick us off.

2:18 All right, I'm about to hit you with one. I'm about to shake the internet up.

2:21 Oh, Lord.

2:22 Let's talk about child support.

2:24 Ooh.

2:25 Let's talk about child support.

2:27 Well, for starters, I don't think that child support should be used because of failed relationships.

2:33 I think it should be used to support a child.

2:37 Say that in a different way.

2:39 I think that some.

2:41 Women weaponize child support that because your relationship didn't work out, oh, now I'm going to put you on child support.

2:46 You weren't thinking about child support.

2:48 You weren't even thinking about the demise of this relationship. But now that y'all are splitting, you're a single mom. Oh, I'm putting you on child support.

2:55 That's fine. I'll put you on child support. That's not a reason to put someone on child support.

2:59 Ultimately, I honestly don't really feel like there should be even a reason technically to do child support because why.

3:06 Wouldn't a man want to provide for his kid?

3:09 Sarah, you about to make me so mad.

3:10 I'm just saying.

3:11 There are plenty of reasons.

3:12 If this is your kid and you're not with a mom, why would you not want to provide for your child? Why do I need the system to tell me that I need to provide for my child?

3:20 Because men don't take care of their children.

3:21 Why?

3:23 Because a lot of them are deadbeats. Not all of them. A lot of them are.

3:26 There are a lot of men who will sit here, have sex with you, and will not take care of the consequences that come out of that.

3:33 But did they want the kid? It doesn't matter if they want to do it.

3:36 It definitely matters. That was goofy as hell.

3:38 Can I say something?

3:39 Don't have sex. Oh, my God. You're about to make me mad.

3:42 I got to say this. You're about to make me mad.

3:44 I feel like why do men have no say in whether the kid that is their kid is coming into this world or not? Because if you both knew and both discussed that you never wanted to have kids in the first place and then mysteriously you end up getting pregnant, I'm sorry, but it is still a choice to bring a kid. No, I'm not saying I'm pro-abortion. I'm not saying I'm pro-life or I'm anti-abortion. All I'm saying is, all I'm saying is, if that man didn't want a kid and you didn't want a kid, why are you having a kid?

4:10 Why are you having sex with a man that doesn't want children? Why, as a man, if you know you want children.

4:15 I mean, why are you letting somebody shoot up the club?

4:16 That's my question.

4:18 If you are a man that knows that he doesn't want children, why are you actively shooting up the club?

4:23 Why are you doing that?

4:24 Okay, here's my.

4:26 Okay, pause. Pick me.

4:27 Because why is it.

4:29 This is the only time somebody could call me a pick me.

4:31 Pick me.

4:31 I'm right here. Okay, here we go.

4:33 Why is it there's only 12 to 24 hours in one cycle, which is usually about 28 to 29 days. You can even get pregnant. Why would you let this man shoot up your club if it's that time?

4:44 You feel me?

4:44 I'm not going to give that responsibility to him. I'm taking on that responsibility. I feel like, no, for real, y'all are laughing. I'm being so dead serious.

4:52 I'm with you.

4:53 I feel like it is our responsibility to get pregnant or not.

4:57 There's contraceptives. There's abstinence. This is true. There's celibacy. This is true.

5:02 But in real life, a lot of people are having sex. And if that is the case, there are condoms. There are so many ways.

5:09 There's a fertile window.

5:10 You don't have to have sex in your fertile window. Like, just, there's so many ways.

5:16 To not get pregnant.

5:18 Literally.

5:18 But things happen and people get pregnant unexpectedly.

5:21 And now you want to bring a baby into the world and he doesn't.

5:24 So what, are we supposed to just delete his fetus?

5:26 Is that what you're saying? I feel like it's a conversation. Hold up. What do you mean?

5:29 Hold up. I'm saying.

5:30 I'm not telling anybody else what to do with their body.

5:32 That's what I'm saying. If somebody else were to say to me, I'm going to the clinic, go to the clinic. If somebody else were to say to me, I will never go to the clinic, never go to the clinic. I am not the type of person that's going to tell you what to do with your body.

5:42 Your body, your choice. My body, my choice.

5:44 Y'all do whatever you want to do, period. But all I'm saying is, if you knew from the jump this man never wanted to have a kid by you.

5:52 You shouldn't have had sex with him.

5:53 Boom.

5:54 That ship has sailed. Now you pregnant. I said I didn't want him. You had him. You deal with him.

5:59 I just feel like.

6:00 What kind of man says something like that and being able to sleep at night?

6:03 You know what?

6:04 I feel like.

6:05 No.

6:06 Look, I'm going to be a thousand percent. I feel like y'all are not.

6:10 Taking into account at all that there are so many ways for us as women not to get pregnant. Not to get pregnant. Now, are there exceptions or those freak accidents?

6:22 Those happen. Most times, it's not a freak accident. The condom breaks.

6:27 One out of 100,000 times, a condom's going to break.

6:29 You can feel when the condom breaks, bro.

6:32 I'll be lost in a moment.

6:37 I'm complete.

6:38 I'm complete.

6:40 I'm so complete.

6:41 Yo, I'm just saying, these men, they need to take care of their kids.

6:45 I feel like if you want.

6:47 That is one thing I don't think we take into consideration. Like, real talk, we want to talk about child support. Yes, a child should be provided for. And also, you knew this wasn't supposed to happen.

7:00 Like.

7:01 You knew this man didn't want to have a kid with you.

7:03 You knew you didn't even know this man well enough to know if you wanted to have a kid with him. But yet you made the choice to not be safe. How do you not know your fertile window? It's five days in a month.

7:15 That's true.

7:16 And you could really only get pregnant 12 to 24 hours in a month.

7:22 You mean to tell me you couldn't have been safe for five days?

7:26 Goofy.

7:26 You couldn't have been, you couldn't have used contraceptives. You couldn't have put on a condom for five days. You just let this man come in and shoot up the club.

7:40 I'm being serious. I'm with you. I get that thing. I bet you are.

7:44 I bet you are.

7:45 My only thing, my only thing is if accidents happen, right? You get pregnant by accident and we have the conversation. I'm like, it's not my time. And you go for it. You can't put me on child support.

7:55 Yes, she can put you on child support.

7:57 Legally, it happens, but I don't think it's necessarily morally right.

8:01 Correct.

8:01 That's what I think.

8:02 It's not about morals.

8:03 You think it's morally right for a man to say out of his mouth, I'm not taking care of my child?

8:08 Is it morally right for you to force me to be a parent now?

8:10 That part.

8:10 Why are you having sex if you're not ready to?

8:12 You're doing it. They're both wrong.

8:14 Oh, my God.

8:15 This is the thing. This is the thing, Anissa. You're only thinking about it from the woman's standpoint. No, it sucks to hear that.

8:21 Right.

8:22 So if you think about, they didn't want to have, if they didn't want to have a kid with you, if there's a female out there and you know this man did not want to have a kid with you, you know that. You know like you know like you know like you know.

8:31 That's on her.

8:33 Again, it's her fault.

8:34 You shouldn't have been having sex with her either. I do what I want.

8:36 I'm a man.

8:37 Oh my God. Okay, I'm complete. Come on, Anissa. Next question.

8:43 Okay.

8:46 All right, Sarah, we talked about dates on one of the episodes. Scenario.

8:52 Let's say you and Brock aren't married yet. You love to go out on dates. You initiate all the dates. You're tired of initiating all of the dates and you want Brock to initiate dates. I saw that face. This is not a real life scenario, please. For the love of God. What would you recommend to To have your man plan dates.

9:19 It's not natural for a man to plan dates.

9:21 Oh my God.

9:21 I mean, if he's going above and beyond.

9:24 Shut up.

9:25 Listen, listen.

9:27 It's not natural for a man to plan dates. It's not natural at all. It's more natural for a woman to plan the date.

9:33 Number one. So number two, if.

9:35 Your man is planning dates, be very grateful because that's not normal.

9:39 That's not natural. And also on top of that, who are the dates for?

9:43 So a woman that wants to go on a date, we already know that the date is for the woman. You know what a man wants to do? Probably eat, chill and get it in. That's what a man wants to do. He doesn't want to have to go to bingo loco. He doesn't necessarily want to have to do nice dates. dinner. He doesn't necessarily want to have to go feed the ducks, but he's doing what he has to do to make his girl happy.

10:07 Most times dates are for women. They're not for men.

10:09 So if you know that dates are for women and not for men, then women plan your own dates and be grateful that he's paying for them or be grateful that he's going on them or be grateful that he's paying for half of them because all of them, 100% of them are for you. That's it.

10:25 Dates are not for men at all.

10:27 0%. Take notes, ladies. Shut up.

10:33 How hard is it for a man to call a restaurant and be like, hey, I want to make reservations?

10:36 It's mad hard when I'm already working 40 plus hours and paying all the bills and doing all the other things.

10:39 This is what I'm saying. It's not about how hard is it.

10:42 Women work 40 hours.

10:43 Okay, listen, y'all.

10:44 It is not about how hard it is to do certain things. It's about what's natural. Why do you think women are the ones that are saying, oh, I want to.

10:52 Go on a date.

10:53 He needs to take me here. I want to try this. I need to experience that. When do you hear men say that? When do you hear men say, oh, I've always really wanted to try this for a date?

11:04 They don't say that.

11:06 Men don't say it at all. And they'll never say it because it's not natural for them. So if you want a date, then plan it.

11:13 And you know what? He'll be there. He's going to show up. He's probably going to pay for it.

11:17 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

11:19 Are you saying clearly for women to be the sole person to plan dates?

11:26 I'm saying if you're man, is falling short planning dates, have grace and plan the date yourself.

11:33 But what if you don't want to keep planning the date, Sarah?

11:35 What if you want to initiate the date planning? Hold on, hold on.

11:38 Because this is a real life scenario somebody was actually talking to me about. So this is an older lady, like a grown woman, kids and all. She has a husband. They're at my church. She was saying like, she was basically complaining about her husband saying like, he doesn't plan any dates. So she has to plan all the dates.

11:52 And like, she has to force him to plan these dates. So me being so simple minded, I was like, just plan a date then. Like, She doesn't work. She's on salary. She's on allowance, all the things. So I'm like, just plan the dates. What's the big deal? And then it was to the point where she was saying, I would leave him if he doesn't start planning dates. And I'm like, that is insane to me.

12:10 This is how you know women are dating for ego.

12:14 That doesn't even make sense.

12:17 Women, this is ego.

12:20 What is the difference between when he plans a date versus when you plan the date? If the intention is to spend a good time together.

12:26 Mm-hmm.

12:27 Because I believe it shows the woman that somebody is putting intentionality into them.

12:32 So you don't think he just said she has an allowance.

12:35 He pays all the bills. He works. You don't think that's intentionality. This is what I'm saying.

12:40 It's like, It's like I go and get you the sun and the stars and then you get mad at me for not bringing you the moon.

12:46 Hey, no, don't.

12:47 No, this is this is the reality of what women are doing.

12:51 You are paying the bills. You are taking care of me.

12:54 All I have to do is be an incredible mom and a great mother and a great wife to you and plan a few dates so we can go out and have fun.

13:02 But you're not planning the dates. I'm ready to leave you. That is so selfish.

13:07 I agree.

13:07 Now, the thing of it is, the truth of it is, it actually has nothing to do with the dates. The root of the issue is, would be my question, is the root that she feels like she's not considered. Okay, well, one could argue, how could you say that when all of your bills are paid for?

13:21 Which was her argument. And I, that's my argument. My argument is I'm paying for everything. Help. Like, help me where you can help me.

13:28 Yes. So she plans a date. You pay for everything.

13:30 He's already paying for everything. Even if she pays for it out of her allowance, he paid for it.

13:35 All I'm saying is, all I'm saying is women need to be aware of how high they put the bar and how much they move the goalposts. There are so many women that would literally die. This is another thing too. I just have to say this. Ladies, please, once you hear this clip, go sit on your man's lap and just tell him thank you. Like just tell him how much you love him and what you see in him and what you're grateful for with him and that all of the things, because you have no idea how far appreciation goes versus nagging. When you are constantly speaking to the king in that man and you're encouraging that man.

14:12 This man develops a cape. This man is a superhero.

14:16 This man can run through walls when he knows that his girl is for him. You want date night? Oh, You just have to plant the right seeds. And next thing you know, he's planning the date night. But my question would be, how much are you nagging? How much are you emasculating? How much are you telling him? You don't consider me. You don't care about what I want.

14:35 You're not thinking about me in this relationship. And we go straight to the negative and we forget about all of the things that these men have done in the past.

14:42 I'm telling you, appreciation goes so far. It goes so far.

14:47 And we have gotten so entitled to our selfishness. We're so entitled to everyone doing for us that we've lost the plot. The plot is gone. I've literally given you the sun and the stars, and you're cussing me out because I didn't bring you the moon.

15:02 I want the universe too, Sarah. That's the problem.

15:04 That's literally a song. It's like, give a girl the stars and the moon, all she'll want is space.

15:08 My bad.

15:08 It's okay. Say it again.

15:10 Give a girl the stars and the moon, all she'll want is space. Yeah.

15:13 That goes back to me saying, women don't know what they want. Women have no idea what they want.

15:19 We do know what we want. The men can't give it to us. That's why we all.

15:22 What is it that women want? What do women want?

15:26 Fold.

15:27 They want six figures, six feet or over, six inches and a six pack, I think. Yeah, they want all of that. And then they want the moon, the stars, probably throwing Saturn and Jupiter and Pluto too.

15:41 You know what I'm saying?

15:41 You don't feel like that's unrealistic?

15:45 Matter what I think.

15:46 The crazy part is they can't get one. They can't get the star or the moon. They can't get one thing.

15:53 That's crazy.

15:54 That's a fact. You ain't lying. I'm complete.

15:57 Because my daddy told me that I was a princess.

16:02 I feel like most of these women don't even know their dads. Yeah, I said it.

16:08 Sarah.

16:08 How you going to say my daddy told me and you ain't met him? You don't know that, man.

16:13 And he ain't never told you there ain't no princess. I feel like that's not, it's just not real.

16:17 Because those are the women. Those be the women. And that's another thing, too. A lot of these women with their lists. Oh, my list needs this. My list needs that. The dad that you might have had couldn't even make the list. Steve Harvey told her to make the list. The list is keeping you single.

16:33 Steve Harvey told us to make a list.

16:35 The list is keeping you single.

16:36 But Steve Harvey told us that.

16:37 Steve Harvey is a man. Steve Harvey can't even control his daughter.

16:39 He wrote the book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.

16:42 He wrote it.

16:42 What are you saying?

16:43 Steve Harvey's daughter is the woman we're talking about.

16:46 Look, I'm not going to say any of that. I like Steve Harvey. This is what I'm going to say, y'all. Listen, if you get to a space in a relationship, what were we talking about? Steve Harvey, Lost Material Thought.

16:57 List.

16:59 Your list will keep you single.

17:00 Every single time, quick and in a hurry. Because if you look at the filter of things, right? Let's say we have something that's about this big.

17:07 This is going to be so awkward.

17:09 You want somebody that makes over $ 100, 000. Well, you just got rid of half of this. So now I only have this right here, right? Realistically, I should make this smaller. Now you only have like, oh yeah, okay, we'll go like this. If you start with this, right? Now you got to get rid of half or really 70%. $ 100, 000. Really, it's more than that. That was a lot more than 70%. No, that was 70%. So now I only have 30% left.

17:34 Now you want him to be above six feet. Well, we're probably going to have to cut that much. And then you say that you want him to also have a six pack. And then you say you also want him to be packing. And then you say you want him to be black.

17:56 Might as well just hit up show.

17:58 At this point, at this point, it is so rare what you're looking for.

18:05 So you want one out of a million type of men.

18:07 So basically one out of a million. So basically you're saying is be open to date other races, too.

18:13 No, what I'm saying is that's not what I'm saying, because some of those men in other races, they wouldn't want those women either.

18:20 At all They're too hard They're too masculine.

18:22 Can you imagine an Asian dude With a black twerking lady Like going crazy.

18:26 I mean some of them I am Asian men love black women Sometimes they.

18:29 Do But I'm saying like Dealing with it on a dead day I don't think the.

18:31 There are black men There are Asian men Who marry black women All the time For sure What are you talking.

18:35 About I'm not saying they don't.

18:37 Alright y'all Yeah I'm complete.

18:42 Fine How do men create trust In their leadership.

18:50 How do men create trust in their leadership? By keeping a promise one at a time. I think that if you say you're going to do it, do it. If a man tells me, even if it's something as small as I will put the pots and pans away, put the pots and pans away. Now, if I didn't put a deadline on it, that's on me. If it took you two days to do it, that's on me. But if you told me you were going to do something, do it. if you told me that you were going to pick up the dry cleaning, if you told me you were going to take me to the movies, if you told me you were going to whatever it may be, it starts with the small promises. And then I can trust and trust and trust and trust and trust. And one day the trust is just so big, you can't

19:35 tell me nothing. I recklessly trust you.

19:39 And I'll fight. Even if somebody were to tell me you're lying, I'd call me the Lulu. It's the Lulu for me.

19:48 So do you believe that men should create that space in every aspect of relationships they have, platonic and more?

19:55 Like have integrity with their word? Absolutely.

19:59 I think that's one of the most attractive things about a masculine man. They do what they say they're going to do. They say what they mean and they mean what they say. And there is no wavering from that. A masculine man isn't going to sit here and argue with a bunch of females. A masculine man isn't going to sit here and let somebody else tell him who he is. A masculine man knows exactly who he is and he's going to be exactly that. And that is why most women want those men. Because we can trust that they're going to do what they say they're going to do. We can trust that they're going to move and shake in a certain type of way.

20:31 And it's attractive. Now the question is, is there character? Is there this? Is there that? Is blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But that is the beginning of the attraction.

20:42 That's the beginning because that's what creates stability, which is what creates safety, which is what creates provision. And not just monetarily, by the way, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, energetically, and then also, yes, financially.

20:58 So I'm complete.

21:02 Should a woman handle insecurity after choosing a high level man or being chosen by a high level man?

21:08 Wait, ask again?

21:09 Should a woman, how should a woman handle insecurity after choosing a high level man or being chosen by a high level man?

21:17 I think one of the biggest mistakes that a woman could do after being chosen exclusively by a high level man is moving inside of insecurity. Because I feel like, and y'all tell me if I'm wrong, you two are men. If I am with a man And I'm like, oh my God, I think that he might, he messed with that girl and he messed with that girl and he messed with that girl.

21:38 Oh my God, he probably still wants to be with them. But he chose you.

21:41 If he wanted to be with them, he would have chose them.

21:43 But he didn't because he didn't want them.

21:45 I think it's a mistake to move inside of insecurity. I think you need to call a friend, a girlfriend, your mama, your sister, somebody that is tried and true, somebody that is non-biased, somebody that is a good sounding board where you can vent and say all of your insecurities, but do not project that onto that man.

22:03 Women do not have a sound board. And I think that's why I think some men would prefer for them to tell them as opposed to tell your friend circle because I don't even know where it's going to go if you go tell the homegirls. It's going to go all the way up. As opposed to you telling me and I got to at least try to manage it. Damn.

22:18 I don't want to.

22:19 I wouldn't.

22:20 For me, I feel like I talk to my mom really about everything. My mom is my sounding board.

22:24 I would hate for her to know that my girls is like telling every time we get in the sun, she's at the home girls.

22:29 Home girls is kind of crazy.

22:31 But I feel like you need one non-biased person because everybody's not qualified to be in that role either.

22:36 That's what I mean. Finding the one non-biased person is the hard part. Yeah.

22:41 For me, that's my mother. I literally could be like, mom, I shot a man. And she'd be like, what are we doing, baby? She'd get in the car. I'm on the way.

22:50 Like my mom is so non-biased and she's so solution oriented that I feel, and she wants what's good for the colony. Like my mom genuinely wants me to be happy. So she's not going to give me jaded, weird advice. She'll call me out when I'm being like a girl or when I'm being emotional or, you know, whatever it may be. I feel really safe to have those conversations.

23:11 And I feel like we as women, which is why I think we need to have at least one good friend. I have girlfriends that I do that with too, right?

23:18 It just depends.

23:19 Not really.

23:19 I don't talk to nobody about my marriage with my mother. I learned that early. I can't do it. I will not, cannot. People get weird. And so I'm like, no.

23:28 But when it comes to just things that come up in my life, I do have girlfriends that I can talk to, vent to. And I'll say like, can I be, can I be petty patty right now? Can I be low vibrational? I've had a conversation with Anissa before. Like, can I, can I ask you a low vibrational question?

23:42 She'll put that battery in your back for sure.

23:44 Would you say, Anissa?

23:44 She's going to put that battery in your back for sure. Yeah.

23:46 Yeah.

23:49 That's why I won't.

23:51 I definitely tell Sarah when she's wrong. It doesn't happen often, but I at least be like, nah, you tripping, Sarah.

23:58 It's true.

23:59 But yeah, she has asked me, can I ask you a.

24:02 Low vibrational question? Can I run something by you that's very low vibrational?

24:06 I give disclaimers because I'm not just going to hit you with it. I need to know, do you have capacity to even go.

24:11 To the depths?

24:13 I can appreciate that.

24:14 Deep dive around here.

24:16 Period.

24:16 Period.

24:17 Period.

24:19 So do you believe black women deserve their equal or better?

24:24 See, this is my issue. And we've heard this on the internet before, right?

24:29 I just hate that we are the only woman that I can think of in any race or ethnicity that talk about how we need a finished product man.

24:39 What do you mean by that?

24:40 Explain.

24:42 Speaker 2:

24:44 .

24:45 Speaker 1: Speaker 1:

24:48 .

24:48 Speaker 2:

24:50 .

24:50 Speaker 5:

24:52 .

24:53 Speaker 3:

24:55 .

24:56 Speaker 1:

24:57 .

24:58 Speaker 2: Speaker 2:

25:03 I don't know why. And then the craziest part is a lot of black women will be like, look at me. This is what I have to offer. I am well accomplished in all these things.

25:15 It's all ego.

25:16 I think we're some of the most egotistical people on the planet.

25:19 You know how prejudiced these other races are? They're hard on their women.

25:23 On their men?

25:25 What?

25:26 The other races are hard on their men?

25:28 No, they can't be because they'll get hit or die. They will get on the line for that.

25:34 I feel like black women have a superiority complex and a craving for power when it comes to black men. I don't think they like black men. I think they want to control black men. I think they want to be the man in the relationship, but act like they're the lady when they're not.

25:52 Because look at what happens when the men have control over the women.

25:55 They arrange marriages with women that don't want them.

25:57 They beat on the women when they don't do what they say.

26:01 And this is across... The globe.

26:03 What are you talking about?

26:04 What do you mean? Women in other countries.

26:06 No, I'm talking about black men in America.

26:09 We as black women in America don't even like black men. We want to we want to control black men. We want the power over black men. We want to say I have a black man. We want to say I have a husband, but we don't move his wives. We're so busy proving I don't need this. I don't need that.

26:26 Men are worthless. What do they bring? I don't need a man. Oh, my God. Only thing I need is force to create kids.

26:30 Because they saw their granddaddy cheating on their grandmama and the grandmama stayed. They seen their mama probably get beat by their husband, by their dad or their stepdad.

26:37 How many of these people did that? You think that's the majority?

26:40 You'd be surprised.

26:41 I don't.

26:41 I think it happens. I absolutely think that that happens. I do not think that.

26:45 That's the majority. It just depends on what you're exposed to.

26:46 Honestly, the majority, if.

26:47 You even think about black people, period, they didn't have dads in the house. So they didn't see no man.

26:53 Beating the mom. You're kind of proving my point.

26:57 No, I'm not proving your point.

26:59 My point is that, how is it that women expect a man to be perfect?

27:03 They expect him, but they're raising the men that they don't even like.

27:07 I don't think women expect men to be perfect.

27:08 Women definitely expect men to be perfect.

27:11 I've never heard that before in my life.

27:13 Now, do they have a lot of expectations, but they're not.

27:15 Why is your.

27:16 Mom a gay like this? As long as he's six feet, six figures, six inches, six pack, they'll start letting some things go. That's not perfection, bro. What are we talking about?

27:23 Bro, get out of here.

27:23 That's just the beginning.

27:25 But then you're married with an allowance and you start saying, but he doesn't plan dates.

27:31 It's crazy work.

27:32 It's it's literally if you if you sit here and you literally think about how women are never satisfied there's like there's like a there's like a uh uh what can i do this what can i do this what can i do this what can i do this and the saddest part about it is you've reduced the black man to only what he can do for me but when does that black man just get to be himself When does that black man, when does his happiness come into the equation?

28:01 They don't care about none of that.

28:02 When does what he wants actually matter?

28:05 We don't care.

28:06 No.

28:06 So now that man is, I wouldn't want to, I wouldn't want to deal with a lot of these women either if I was a man.

28:12 They're too hard. They don't listen and they know everything.

28:15 And they're delusional.

28:16 I'm so sick and tired.

28:17 And then on top of that, they don't even want you for you.

28:20 They want you as a man to, to, to do all of these things for them so they can brag to their friends about all the treatment that they're getting. Basically, they don't, they don't, they don't want this man. They don't, they don't, they just want to have power over the man. I think that we as black women are slipping. I really do feel that way.

28:45 How are black women slipping?

28:47 Because we're more focused on being the most educated people in the community than on being a wholesome, well-rounded, nurturing, loving, kind woman.

28:56 So basically you would rather go back to the 1950s.

28:58 I mean, I wouldn't mind the 1950s quite personally. Minus the racism aspect of it. We couldn't even vote back then.

29:05 Are you serious? I.

29:06 Listen here. First of all, I'm trattering, okay? I think I'm coining this term. I'm right in the middle. I'm not modern. I'm not traditional.

29:13 I'm somewhere in the middle. I'm absolutely a hybrid of the two. And also, I feel like when you think about women, Black women, right? When you think about Black women, not all of them, obviously, right? What do women do? You know how many rooms I've been in with other Black women and they lead with all the accolades.

29:34 That they have?

29:36 Okay.

29:37 Where are the characteristics? Where are the opportunities you've created for other people? Where is the lovingly things that you've shown? Everything is what you've achieved. That's what you think is going to get you respect and appreciation. You know what I appreciate?

29:55 A kind person. You know what I appreciate? A good conversation.

30:00 I also love not wanting or having to do it. Like, I don't even want to talk about business. It's great if we do, but that is not on the forefront of things. And maybe I'm a crazy lady. I do think that we as women should go have once a month. I saw Emma Greaves, she said this, women need to have meetings a month with their girlfriends where they talk about making money and how to get better and growth and like these little power moments. I think that that's great.

30:28 But I don't think that that's what we need to lead with in our life. I don't think it's natural.

30:33 Maybe because women have been reduced down for so long.

30:38 To what?

30:39 What do you mean? Women couldn't even get an education legally.

30:42 Like what are you saying?

30:43 It's 2026.

30:43 That's what I'm saying.

30:45 We go through, we, we are, I remember hearing this somewhere. We are the first generation or the second generation. I probably wouldn't even say the second generation, but maybe we are of, of, of people, men and women that don't have to deal with legal segregation. Uh, uh, not the ability, the inability to vote, uh, being able to get proper jobs at any gender or race. Like we are just now living in this, in this spectrum of people, but.

31:12 Not our mothers, not our grandparents.

31:14 My mom experienced segregation.

31:15 Huh?

31:16 My mom experienced segregation.

31:16 That's what I'm saying.

31:17 Not our mothers, not our grandmothers. They got to experience that. And what I'm saying is because we come from, we're literally first generation or second generational, second generational breakers of that trauma. We feel like It's important to us. Like, look at what I did. My grandmother wasn't able to do this. My mom wasn't able to do this.

31:38 Whatever, whatever.

31:39 Pick me.

31:40 What's up, Sarah?

31:42 I'm not saying there's anything wrong with education. But what I'm saying is, why has that become more important than the family? Why has being able to prove that I've achieved this and I've achieved that and I have this degree and I make this much money, why is that more important than a nuclear healthy family?

32:01 Because.

32:02 I believe women want to be seen for more than just what they're capable of naturally. Like, okay, like being a woman and having children is natural. That's what you're supposed to do.

32:11 Why can't you be a woman where family comes? Because this is the thing too.

32:15 You can be with a successful man as a successful woman, but your success cannot come before that successful man if he's a masculine man. That's just the reality of it. So a lot of the times women will say, I have all these things going on. I got all these things I need to pay for. And my man needs to be able to X, Y, Z.

32:31 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

32:32 That by far is going to push a man away. But I say all of that to say, your career cannot come before the family.

32:40 I agree to that too.

32:41 But most women, their career, their achievements, the money they make, all of this comes before the family. Now you can have a way where you're still successful. You have a husband, you have children, you have.

32:54 A nuclear family.

32:55 And still be a very successful, highly esteemed, respected woman.

33:01 Normally that doesn't happen, Sarah. Normally women are only known for being a parent.

33:05 I disagree.

33:06 That's not.

33:07 I disagree. I disagree. Do you think that's true?

33:12 I just don't see what the problem is with that.

33:13 What do you mean?

33:14 You're saying women being seen as a parent?

33:16 No, no, I'm just saying like women in general don't want to live behind or under somebody's shadow their whole life.

33:23 It's like.

33:24 Why is that a shadow?

33:25 I mean, even if we call it in the shadow, it was cool for you to be under the shadow while I was supporting you, paying for the things, getting the crib, getting the cars, getting the... It's cool to be in the shadow. But when it's not, when I need help, when it's a little hot under the shadow, then it's a problem. when there's adjustments that need to get made, when we got to figure something out, then it's a problem.

33:44 But why is it a shadow?

33:45 That's just the word that they use. And I'm okay with the verb.

33:48 I don't, I'm not okay with the verbiage because it has a negative connotation to it. Why is someone striving to be a stay at home mom or someone striving to have their family be more important than their accolades? Like if someone is a nurse and she works four days out of the week and she busts her butt at work and then she comes home and she loves providing for her family or her kids. Like, Or even for me, there are some opportunities I've turned down because I'm a wife first. Then I'm a podcaster. Then I'm an actress. Then I'm a speaker. And maybe, and this isn't because Brock told me that's what I need to do.

34:23 This is my own idea of how I'm supposed to move inside of a marriage.

34:28 I do not, and when we have children, oh, I'm probably going to be way worse.

34:33 That's what I'm saying. Some women don't know how to move and that's why they get cut off.

34:37 Yeah, I feel like what is so wrong? And it is a question for you, Anissa. What is so wrong with being a woman that puts family first?

34:46 Why is that seen as you're a lesser than or a weaker woman?

34:49 I'm not saying that it's lesser than, but it's... But you are.

34:52 Oh my God. No, I'm not, Sarah.

34:54 I may not just be communicating this the right way. What I'm saying is what I have experienced myself and what I've heard my other married friend says that I just feel like I haven't accomplished anything in my life. I feel like I don't do enough. All I do is just take care of kids all day long. All I do is take care of the house all day long.

35:18 And I understand their grief because.

35:20 It's like nobody... I'm going to tag you in a second.

35:23 No woman, not all women, but there's a lot of women who grew up imagining the day they can become a wife and a mother.

35:29 That's cool.

35:30 But there are a lot of women who don't. They want a life down a different path. A husband and kids are.

35:37 Cool, but.

35:39 And that's not saying I want to be more than that, but I just don't want to be just a wife. Like, if you take Brock away, you're not just a wife.

35:46 You're Sarah.

35:47 You are a speaker, a podcaster, all of the things. Like, you've accomplished a lot. That doesn't mean you have to lead with that, but at least you still can say that you did it.

35:55 Are you ready for this?

35:56 In retrospect.

35:56 Okay, my God.

35:57 Here we go.

35:58 Oftentimes, a lot of women feel that way because they had kids too young before they were prepared. A lot of women, or they had kids by a man, and now they're single moms. A lot of the times, a lot of women that gave up on their dreams, it either happened too early for what they were prepared for on accident. What would happen if we as women, number one, were married before we had children? And what would happen if we as a married couple created the life that we wanted? Why do we keep continuing to allow ourselves to be victims of what happens inside of our life?

36:34 What would happen if we taught our daughters that it is okay to fall in love with a man and marry a man one day and have children one day and create the life that you want with the white picket fence? The truth is life is hard. That's just the reality of it. Life is hard for all of us.

36:48 No one is going to get out of that.

36:51 No one. But the other truth about it is most times people just aren't prepared. People are drifting through life. They're just drifting.

36:59 They, oh, this just happened. This just happened. I don't know how this happened. No, you've got to be intentional. And I say this all the time.

37:06 It's like, you can't drift to the top of a mountain.

37:08 Imagine trying to drift to the top of Mount Everest. It's impossible.

37:12 And even more so, even when you make the decision to climb, it's still hard. So it's not to say that you could just be like, oh, okay, you know, I'm intentionally going to climb and it's going to look one way. Okay, choose your heart. Intentionally choosing to climb a mountain is hard. Expecting that you're going to drift to the top of the mountain to me is harder.

37:35 So if you know that that's what you want, then you plan for it. You plan for it. When you're in your young 20s, Figure out your life, figure out you. I think if you either get married young or you get married older, that middle ground is a scary, Hunger Games ain't no joke. It's a crazy world that we're in.

37:56 So I personally think that I agree with you. There are so many women that feel like they missed out on life, that feel like they've surrendered what it was that they wanted and who it was that they wanted to be because they became mothers. But what would happen if you were intentional with your life?

38:15 What would happen?

38:16 It wouldn't be so bitter.

38:17 You wouldn't be so bitter.

38:19 And then the bitter women wouldn't take the blanket and try to blanket other moms that are proud to be moms as the bad guys. Some women are moms and they don't feel like they've missed out on a thing. And that's the thing. We weaponize women that have different desires from us.

38:38 I don't like that.

38:39 And then it's crazy because it's like, and then also they weaponize how every other woman is wrong, but they're absolutely right. And they can do no wrong. And that's why they're single.

38:53 Yep.

38:54 They're single. And they gonna stay single.

38:57 Probably.

38:58 Or one day when they get tired of being single, they'll settle for a man that they don't think they want.

39:02 I feel like I'm getting triggered.

39:05 That's okay. You can be triggered.

39:07 Be all right. Shut up.

39:10 That's just the reality of it. What's up, guys? Sarah Fontenot here.

39:15 I just had to pause this episode really quick to let you know, if you have not yet, click the link below for our ebook, okay? How to Become a More Feminine Woman. People ask me these things. These are actionable, 10 quick steps, intro to femininity, with a video that goes over some things in even more detail.

39:32 So that's for you.

39:33 Make sure to click that link below and get your ebook on how to increase your femininity. 10 really simple steps.

39:40 Love you guys. Now let's get back to it.

39:44 Um, I just, I don't really, like, I hear what you're saying.

39:53 But it's like, who are you to say that a married woman wasn't intentional with her life by having children with her husband, yet still feels unfulfilled later on in life because all she, not all she is, I feel like that's very bad verbiage, but she feels like the only thing she's amounted to is becoming a wife and a mom.

40:15 I'm not anyone to say anything, first of all. I'm someone that is aware of a lot of people around me.

40:21 That's it.

40:22 And what I have observed is a lot of the women that feel like they gave up their life, they all had kids younger than they expected.

40:32 That's it.

40:33 It's not that there's anything wrong with having kids. It's not that there's anything wrong with having a husband. They had kids too young. And oftentimes when you have kids too young, it does derail your plans.

40:42 It just is what it is. It's hard to raise child children, especially when you're young. Now, y'all both growing up together. You don't really know what to do and they don't really know what to do.

40:51 So you got two people.

40:52 Yeah, they shut up.

40:53 Now you got two people that don't even know what they do and trying to flounder through life. And this is another thing, too, that people have to be mindful of. Depending on the age of when you have children would tell me whether you really have a support system or not. Because if you're young, young, I doubt you have a support system. Because why, for the most part, for the majority, because why was no one there to protect you from that?

41:16 Let's not talk about that, please. Can we move on to a different topic?

41:19 I mean, yes, we can.

41:20 But I'm just saying, oftentimes... There's so many domino effects of things. And I feel like if you call it what it is, then we have an opportunity to address it.

41:31 A lot of people just aren't protected.

41:34 They just aren't.

41:35 They have bad parents. They have bad parents. They have a bad village. And nobody taught them better. Right.

41:44 I agree with you. That's a very real thing.

41:48 But what would happen if those people heard these conversations? What would happen, and this is why it's so important, Anissa, and I could tell that you're triggered and it's okay. What would happen if they got to watch this show and hear.

42:02 These types of conversations?

42:05 Because they're not getting these conversations at home. They're not hearing the conversations about not being sexually promiscuous. They're not hearing the conversations about it's okay to love a man. They're not hearing the conversations of why you need to value your body.

42:17 They're not hearing the.

42:18 Conversations of how you need to set standards for what you allow to fly in your life. And if someone comes at you crazy, you cut them off. That is why we are here. It's for the nuclear family. There are some women that will never now be able to have that experience. Yeah, I agree. And it's not to wrong those women. It's to focus on the young ones that are coming up behind them.

42:45 Do you know how bittersweet it is to try to raise somebody up in a way that you would never raise?

42:51 Yeah.

42:52 It's a very hard thing to do. So you're expecting women to do something that they never have for themselves?

42:58 Or I'm expecting the women to at least alley-oop their children to someone that can teach them.

43:07 If they already have a bad support system, Sarah, they never had a good one, how are they supposed to alley-oop their child to somebody who they can trust?

43:13 A book, a podcast, a movie, a seminar, a class.

43:19 These seminars, these people be scamming and you know it. You know it.

43:22 I do know that.

43:24 I'm saying they could go to groups. There's so many different ways. It doesn't have to be inside of your village. In fact, it probably shouldn't be inside of your village. You've got to get your children and the children that want something different, they've got to get in front of or around or at least in proximity to listen to Something different. When I was having a conversation with two young girls, one of the young girls said, she said, I'll get married.

43:53 I've already pinpointed two things that she said. Her parents are young.

43:56 And I know her parents are young because she said, me and my mom, we're not far from the same age. Well, damn, okay, there's that. Then number two, and it wasn't the one that you're thinking of, it was a friend of the person, right? She said, my parents, my mom's the same age, so she won't be old when I get married, but I don't know if I want to get married. And then two, she was telling me how she doesn't need a man.

44:15 You are 16. You don't know if you need a man or not. Why are you choosing to say that? Who taught you that? Probably her mother. And then her mother in the background said, Single people, single women live longer. Well, actually, the statistic is no one lives as long as happily married couples. That is the longest. Then it's married men.

44:42 Then it's single men. No, then it's single women. Then it's single men. Then it's unhappily married couples. Your partner can literally take years off of your life.

44:55 It's a crazy word. Yep.

44:59 Or one more.

45:02 Well, I'm going to end it with a scenario.

45:04 Okay. Scenario.

45:06 You and Brock had a baby. Let's say this baby is not a baby anymore.

45:13 She's a teenager.

45:14 Oh, she.

45:16 Yeah.

45:17 I knew you was going to.

45:18 Yikes.

45:19 Let's say.

45:20 Girls are tough.

45:22 She comes to you and she says, mom, let's say she's 17.

45:26 Yeah.

45:27 Let's say she comes to you and is like, mom. I think I'm ready to have sex, but I'm not sure if I want to be a wife though. How would you, how would you address that? Cause I saw, I saw that.

45:40 Like really putting myself in this, in these shoes. I would say I would have, I would have a whole conversation like my mom had with me.

45:50 I would say, I.

45:53 Understand that you're 17. And for the most part, I'm, I'm, First of all, I would just want to acknowledge the fact that I'm so grateful that my daughter feels safe to share that with me. And this is a safe space where I can be mentor or I can be mother, but I can separate the two. And you trust me inside of that. So number one, I think that's really important where my daughter would come and tell me that.

46:16 The second part of it is I can't stop her from doing whatever it is that she wants to do. I can't put a shock collar on her. I can't put a tracker in her shoe. She's 17. All I can do is prepare her for the worst. And I would tell her the truth of when you decide to lay down with a man, something crazy is going to happen inside of your body. You're going to have all of these emotions. The way that you think is absolutely going to change. In a way, this man is going to have a certain type of power now over you.

46:49 This is the most, one of the most valuable and natural things that you have to offer. And it's not to be given to everyone and anyone.

46:58 It is so special. It is so important.

47:01 And if you feel like you've met someone that is worthy of this thing, then you need to be prepared. And I would bring my daughter to Planned Parenthood and I would put her on birth control or get her on a depo shot or put her in an IUD. I have no idea, but there's no way on God's green earth that I would tell her, no, don't do that.

47:21 I'm not delusional. I understand how kids work. I was a kid once. You were a kid once. Kenny was a kid once. She was a kid once. My husband was a kid once. We were all kids once.

47:31 And I would rather my daughter be honest with me and allow for me to help her be prepared than to hide it from me and come home pregnant. I don't want that for her. So if that were to happen, I hate the thought, hate it so much. I'm so glad she told me and not her dad because her dad would probably lose his stuff.

47:52 Hmm.

47:52 You know, if it was a boy, it'd be way different. But if it's his baby girl.

47:56 You know, I would be very protective. And I think another thing that as a parent that I will be very intentional that my mom did is she kept me busy. My mom had me in dance class. I was in basketball. I was in soccer. I was in rugby. I was in cross country. I was in a little singing group. I really wanted to play the piano. I played steel drums my whole life. I was in Caribbean dance. I didn't have a lot of time to be complacent or bored around boys. Mm-hmm. I had so much going on in my life and all of us, like all my siblings, we had so much happening in our lives.

48:34 So much so like, and my mom was.

48:36 Working her tail off, especially when my dad had an injury for a period of time.

48:41 So I was taking a bus to dance class. You know what I mean?

48:45 Every day. And then I'd walk from the bus stop over to dance. During dance, I'd walk over to Tim Hortons, get a little donut, then go back to dance class. Like during my break, there were.

48:56 We were so busy. And I think that a lot of little.

48:59 Girls start chasing after men because they're idle around them. And then it's almost like, well, what else are we supposed to do? They start getting curious. You won't have no time to be curious. You might get curious because this person's in your dance class. You might be curious, but it takes more time for you to say, let me open up.

49:20 My body. Do you agree with that?

49:24 Do you agree with that? I do. I do think keeping your child busy and activities and occupied with other things. And like you said, not idle is definitely very important when raising a child. Yeah.

49:34 Yeah. Like we were constantly on the go. And then I think another thing too is I do think that having a father figure in their life, like my dad, y'all know my dad, six foot eight, light skin, freckled. And back in the day, he was like 350 pounds. He's slim now. He's probably two, I.

49:55 Don't know, whatever.

49:56 But they weren't playing.

49:59 He didn't even have to say nothing.

50:01 Yeah, your dad don't play no games.

50:02 No, he doesn't. And he'll just watch.

50:04 He doesn't even, so now you got the eye, like I, it's like you call.

50:09 The eyes of God.

50:10 Like you don't even know you're being watched and you look back and this man's looking you dead in your face.

50:13 Like if he just looking crazy at you, like, let me.

50:17 Get my, my stuff together, you know, because I do think that's another thing too. I think men also know who they can play with according to who people are supported by.

50:28 I say that all the time. Women like, come from like an abusive situation or something like that, like they probably don't have big brothers or like a supportive father. Not to say it's their fault.

50:38 No, it's not.

50:38 Yeah, yeah.

50:39 It's not their fault at all. Okay, so look, pause. I know you're enjoying this episode. I'll be super quick, okay?

50:44 When you are on the go and you want to look cute, baby, we got merch now, okay?

50:49 So if your hair is a little tussled, tussled, turned, the edge control ain't edge controlling, go ahead and get you a cute little It's Giving hat or.

51:00 If you're thirsty, feeling parched, and you want your drink to stay cold all day, there was nothing in this cup.

51:09 But you know what? It will keep my beverages cold. So this is for you guys. We got hoodies. We got all the things.

51:15 Make sure to check out the store below and get what you love. Let me tell you, it is quality over here, baby.

51:20 Let's get it. Back to the show. Kenny's giving us the wrap up.

51:25 That was kind of, that's probably the deepest episode we've had in a really long time.

51:29 And I hope that this was beneficial.

51:33 I hope, I hope, what I hope most is that someone that needed to hear it heard it. Because this was a little more off topic.

51:40 For us, I feel like.

51:41 I get it, but I think it was needed. Yeah. Yeah.

51:46 All right, y'all, if you've made it this far, please hit that button below and get subscribed. Hit that little bell so you get a notification with each new piece of content. Please do not forget to hit that hype button. That makes a huge difference for us on YouTube. And today wouldn't have been today. Without the team, we got shot by Anissa on the mic.

52:02 What's up?

52:02 Hey, girl.

52:02 Hey.

52:03 We got our male perspective. It's show.tv. What's up?

52:06 Yep.

52:07 And we got creative director, producer of the year. Who is Kitty V? What's up?

52:12 Who?

52:12 Givers, real quick, I need you to comment your favorite moment from today's episode. I need you to send this episode to somebody who would possibly argue with Sarah about all these topics. And if you're ready to tune in with.

52:25 Us live, Make sure to join the Patreon. Stop playing around. Let's go, givers.

52:29 Let's go, guys. And if no one has told you today, you are freaking phenomenal. Bomb.com. Nothing can stop you but you. But you've got to do something about it. I love you guys. Bye.

52:40 Bye.

52:43 What's up, guys?

52:44 It's your girl, Sarah Fontenot, host of the It's Giving podcast, and I have some goodies for you today. Now, you already know about our How to Be More Feminine, a high-value feminine woman e-book.

52:55 Well, we're taking it up a couple notches.

52:57 We've got our e-book that's an ultimate self-love guide, and now we have our Boundaries Bible. This is the perfect trio on how to step into and be your best self, and also for the men out It's good for you too, okay? Sometimes our self-esteem, our low self-esteem, our low self-worth is blocking us.

53:14 From our blessing.

53:15 And your blessing could be your future spouse, okay? So make sure to check out MsSarafantno.com if this sounds interesting to you.

53:22 Love you guys. Sending love and light.

53:25 It's Giving Podcast is a production of the Black Effect Podcast Network.