Monday Moments - From Ep: Why Would Men LINE UP to MARRY You When You Make BAD Choices?! With Sarah Fontenot-Shorter

0:00 So let's talk about these parents that want to be celibate after having children.

0:04 Do you agree or disagree?

0:10 Let's not piss me off with this answer, Sarah, because you already know how I feel about this.

0:18 You celibate after you already had kids?

0:20 Yes. Let them know. Goofy. Tell them, Sarah. Shut up. Tell them, Sarah.

0:25 I asked Sarah.

0:26 Goofy.

0:27 After you've already, like now you want to hold back the goods?

0:31 Just because somebody has children doesn't mean that there was an accident before they- How long?

0:34 How young is your youngest baby? That's my question. Like if you got a six month old, you talking about- Oh, no, that's crazy.

0:40 You shouldn't even be in a relationship or trying to date if you have a six month old baby.

0:43 Yeah, I got questions. Like how'd this happen? And is this because of rejection? And also, are you celibate or are you just single?

0:51 Wait, what?

0:52 There's so many people that are like, I'm celibate, I'm celibate, I'm celibate. But as soon as you like a guy, you're not celibate anymore. you were abstaining while you were single, and once you got into something.

1:00 First of all, Sarah.

1:01 Does that not count, though?

1:03 That's the whole point.

1:03 That's about as celibate as I'm ever going to get. No. I'm supposed to be in a relationship.

1:09 There's a difference between celibacy is a commitment before God. that you're saving sex until marriage, which brings me to the thing of if now you're waiting until marriage, but you already had all these kids, what men are like, what line of men are lining up to say, let me marry you. If you just ask me the question, if these women want to get, want to be celibate, how long are you going to stay single?

1:31 Ma'am.

1:31 So you're saying that just because a woman has child, has a child, that means that she shouldn't be abstinent if she's single or just.

1:38 Have a standard. Absolutely be abstinent while she's single. I also think she should do her best to work it out with the father of her children.

1:46 That's crazy.

1:46 That's crazy. No, it's not crazy. I don't agree with that, Sarah.

1:50 No.

1:50 I'm not saying be with an abuser, but if he was good enough to give you kids, why is he not good enough to marry? Kids is way longer and way harder. Men don't be trapping women with babies.

1:59 You mean women be trapping men with babies?

2:00 Both.

2:01 They do both.

2:02 Man, get up out of here, bro. There's a thing called... What is it called?

2:07 Corrosive conception.

2:08 That is a thing.

2:09 Can I say something? I think that we got to speak to the majority of the situation. Most of these majorities, men are not trapping women and women are not trapping men. In fact, most of the time, these people don't even want to get pregnant. They find out they're pregnant. Most of these kids are accidents. Most of these kids are not planned, especially in our community as we have the highest percentage of single moms. Okay, so let's just clarify that.

2:33 Number two is Even if that were to be the case of now, I have three kids by two different men. That's really hard. I don't think that there is a large number of men that are like, yeah, let me take on all these responsibilities and your children. That's harder.

2:52 What if the kids are all grown, 18 or older?

2:54 Well, that's different. That's different.

2:56 Honestly, I just don't believe that women with small children should be dating.

3:00 I don't think they should either. I think I honestly feel like to hold off the goods now and be like, I'm waiting until marriage now, you might never have sex again in your life. That's how I really feel.

3:12 Wait, what?

3:13 If you're waiting until marriage and you have three or four kids by two or three men, you probably will not get married because the man that actually ends up marrying you, who's lining up for that?

3:23 That's crazy.

3:24 When there are other women out there that don't have kids.

3:27 Why are we defining women by how many children they have?

3:29 Because we're defining them by the decisions they make.

3:31 Yes, we're defining them with the decisions that they make. Now, this is the thing. If you were married before and you have children, you had three kids, you had two kids, whatever, that's completely different than if you have three baby daddies, two baby daddies with three or four kids. Those are two different experiences, right? So what I'm saying to you is, If a woman, it's not about single moms are bad, single moms are terrible. No, that's not the truth. But the decisions that a single mom makes matters. And if you choose to get baby mommied by a new man again, it is a choice.

4:03 Twice.

4:03 If you make that choice, why would a man that makes good choices, listen, why would a man now line up to say, let me marry this woman? No other man committed to her. Men just knocked her up. They just gave her kids. But now I want to commit to her for eternity and opt into her responsibilities. Why would a man do that? Which is why I often say, don't do it. Don't do it. Pregnancy is up to us as women. That's the whole point. It's not to wrong single moms. If y'all already did it, you already did it. I'm talking to the new and the young women that are coming up. Stop getting baby mommed by these men. Because if you never had kids, if that's not a stain that's not on your clothing, you don't have to worry about it.

4:46 Basically.

4:46 You could say you're celibate and people won't know if you're private enough.

4:52 I just don't believe. I just feel like when you say you're judging women by their decisions. I'm not judging.

4:58 I'm not judging. Well, maybe I am.

5:00 Yes, he just said that. Okay, go ahead.

5:01 The men are judging the women by the choices that they make.

5:04 Or at least using discernment based off of your decision.

5:07 I'm observing the decision. But what's your point? Go ahead. I'm listening.

5:10 No, I'm listening.

5:11 I'm listening.

5:11 Go ahead.

5:12 We're just missing the opportunity to acknowledge that there are men who are wolfs in sheep clothing who will manipulate and deceive women to make them think that they are one way. And then when they hook, line, and stink... She vetted him in her mind. She vetted him properly.

5:26 Can I pause you?

5:27 Oh, my God.

5:29 Here's the thing. Because if he hook, lined, and sunk you, you should have gotten married. Because if he didn't marry you, if he'd ever married you, he did not hook, line, and sink you. He made you a bunch of promises that you opted into because it felt good. You went off of a feeling, not off of an action. Do not give these men children. You don't get to impregnate me if we're not married. It's not happening.

5:51 I understand what you're saying, but there's a lot of women who get married to these men also.

5:55 Okay.

5:57 And then the man completely switches up.

5:59 And then they get divorced. And you know what? They are seen as more valuable than the woman that just got baby mama'd.

6:05 Okay.

6:06 It's a spectrum.

6:07 Okay.

6:07 And I'm just speaking the truth to the spectrum. And I'm not speaking to the exception. Are there exceptions to the rule?

6:12 Yes.

6:13 There are plenty of women that have three kids by two different men. And you know what? There are some rappers, some athletes, some CEOs, some entrepreneur that will still wife that woman because she's feminine, she's kind, she's nurturing, she's loving, and she's beautiful. That is the exception to the rule.

6:29 Most women are not.

6:31 Most.

6:31 So, okay, let me ask you this then. When do you believe men stop seeing women with children as less of a burden? Is it because she has small children or in kind of looking for a stepdaddy for those kids? Or is it just the fact that she got kids all together? Like, I just feel like a woman with adult children... is looked at, even if she is a single mom, is looked at differently with a woman who's trying to date with multiple small children and multiple baby daddies?

6:58 I think small children, you're absolutely a burden. Sorry to put it that way, but that's just a direct answer. If you have small children, that means that he has to show up in a certain type of way and actually opt into that responsibility. Now, if you have 26-year-olds, 30-year-olds, 35-year-olds, even 21-year-olds, It's not the same. Well, actually, no, I think 21 to 25 is still fairly high of a responsibility because they're just now doing their own thing, going in college, experiencing life on their own. But the responsibility is different. That kid can get a job. You know, they can kind of provide for themselves to a certain extent.

7:33 So I think that when your kids are older, it's different. When your kids are anywhere from zero to 18, they're still inside of the household. It's a response. It's a burden. That is a man opting into baggage that is not his. That is a man saying, let me pick up all of your weight that he didn't have to when there are women that don't have this extra weight that he would have to carry. So it's not to down single moms.

7:55 It's to acknowledge that if you don't allow that to happen to you, the odds are better.

8:02 Let them know. What were you calling them? Their wife facts?

8:05 Whole facts? The wife value. Your wife value goes down when you have multiple children by multiple men.

8:13 You know? I agree. I don't know any.

8:19 I literally don't know any man. I don't know one. And if y'all let me know in these comments.

8:25 It'd be the Sims.

8:26 It's all these guys that are going above and beyond for beautifulness. And then the beautiful girls think that's part of the regular program.

8:33 It's not. Those are the exceptions to the rule. If you have exceptional beauty, okay, sure. You're the exception to the rule. That's not the case for most of us. It's just not. It's not realistic. And show me the men that are lining up to say, let me get to know her character. No, that's not the case most of the time. They're thinking if she's beautiful and then he finds out she has kids, it's like, ooh, I don't know. And that's just the reality for most men.

8:56 Is that all men? Absolutely not. Is it for all women? Absolutely not. But for the majority, why would you opt in to responsibility that you don't have to when you already have these options over here? That's what I'm saying. That's my main point. So what can we do as women? Instead of deflecting and saying, well, we don't need these men. Well, that man isn't good enough for me anyway. Acknowledge the point and say, you know what? Damn, there's truth to that.

9:21 Maybe I should be more responsible with my body. Maybe I shouldn't be so sexually promiscuous. Maybe I shouldn't let these men get me pregnant. Maybe I should be on birth control. Maybe I should be on IUD. Not to say the kids don't happen on that. Maybe I should use condoms.

9:40 I don't know, if you over here raw dogging everybody you sleep with.

9:43 That's crazy.

9:44 Happens every day.

9:45 That's crazy.

9:46 It's not that crazy. People are doing it every single day. We need to speak to the majority, not the minority.

9:53 So you think the majority of women is raw dogging these men on the regular?

9:56 Why do you think diseases is so high? Why do you think this is what? the HIV capital of the world? Why do you think that is?

10:05 Men be raw dogging these women, too.

10:06 Of course they do. Why you think, why?

10:09 We both, both sides need sexual discipline.

10:11 Both sides do.

10:12 I'm not saying men don't need sexual discipline. I'm not even, I'm not even excluding the men. I'm excluding the man from the conversation because I can't tell a man how to be a man. I could tell a woman how to be a responsible woman. That's it.

10:25 That's it.

10:26 It's not that I hate women. It's that I love women enough to hold them accountable, to put you up against the fire and put a mirror up to your face and say, is this the life that you really want? Is this a direction that you would prefer to go into? And for the older women that listen to my podcast, because someone commented on one of my things and she was like, you know, I was sitting with me and my friends and we all, Sarah is not a voice for us. You're in your forties and fifties. If I'm not a voice for you, like I should not be a voice for you. Okay.

10:52 At all.

10:54 Zero percent. If you're taking my advice at 40 and 50 years old, that's a whole other different can of worms and a different ballgame.

11:00 You think women that's 40 and 50 should not be taking your advice?

11:03 I think women that are 40 and 50 have already done it all. Honestly, I think women that are 40 and 50 are kind of in that I'm fine by myself. I'm old enough. I figured it out. I've been married. I've had the children. I've done the things. Most women at the age of 45 have 18-year-olds. They have 20-year-olds.

11:22 They have 22-year-olds. They were married for 15 years and now they don't want to bother. So no, this is not for them.

11:29 So let me ask you this. If a woman has a child and there's a single mother and she wishes to date, should she wait until her child is an adult, like become 40, not become like when she gets 40 and 50, when she's figured out life and she doesn't have to worry about the burden of the man coming to her life, taking away the burden off of her life. Like, do you feel like.

11:50 I think that she should be so extraordinarily disciplined around who she allows in her life that only when that man shows up as the real deal, it shouldn't matter if the kid is five, if the kid is eight, or the kid is 10. But don't be so desperate for a relationship that you're willing to prematurely go into something with someone that's not even serious about you. Now next thing you know, you sleep with that person and now you get a baby by that person because you allowed your feelings to be the thing that led you instead of the reality and the logic of what's actually happening.

12:22 That's what I think. I can't put an age on how old your kid should be because I don't know. I don't know you and I don't know him. I don't know him and I don't know her. I don't know. That's what I think.

12:33 All right.

12:34 Do we feel complete?

12:38 Do we feel complete?

12:38 Oh yeah, I'm complete. You can start at the top too.

12:42 Absolutely. Okay.