I ACCIDENTALLY discovered that I’m not really adopted… and I’m disappointed! -r/AmITheAsshole | Reddit Stories | EP3137

0:00 Hey, this is Angie.

0:01 And this is Dakota, your favorite OK Storytime hosts. And we've got some great stories coming up.

0:05 But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep this show running.

0:11 I accidentally discovered that I'm not really adopted. And I'm disappointed.

0:17 Now why would they lie about that? Okay.

0:20 So basically, I, 14 female, was always told that I was adopted. This makes sense. I've never questioned it. I have two dads who I call Abba Papa and Dad Daddy.

0:36 Dad Daddy, Abba Papa.

0:38 I love them so, so, so, so, so, so much. Okay. Like so, so much. I know I might come off as resentful in this post, but I'm just really hurt right now. Whenever I've brought up my biological parents in the past, my parents just completely shut down. My Abba will kind of just go quiet and pretend like he didn't hear me. And my dad always just changes the topic or tells me we'll talk about it when I'm older. Recently, I started poking around to figure out some stuff about my bio parents. I didn't inform either of my dads.

1:11 I didn't want to hurt their feelings or make them upset or make them think I'm ungrateful. Long story short, I found my birth certificate. And as you can probably tell from the title of the.

1:22 Post, surprise, surprise.

1:27 I'm not fully adopted.

1:29 Okay, I see you. I see you. I'm seeing the yous now.

1:33 However, my Abba's name was on the birth certificate. By the way, this comes from BeneficialTie5413. Submit your own stories on the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Dakota.

1:46 I'm Sophia.

1:47 I'm Keon.

1:48 We're going to read this story about this adopted kid who's not adopted. And we're going to have our thoughts. But none of us are adopted. So let us know if you're adopted, how you would have felt. And everyone else is not allowed to comment. And OP says, I did more digging and found a marriage record between him and the woman whose name was on the certificate, who is my birth mother.

2:13 Oh, I see you. I'm seeing the yous bright and clear.

2:17 What is it?

2:17 I think he cheated. I think OP's father cheated on this birth mother once. With OP's other dad.

2:26 But then... Oh. But did daddy know? Maybe. Other father?

2:31 Maybe, maybe not. I'm assuming that they are ashamed to talk about that.

2:35 I agree with Megan Jane.

2:36 That's what I was going to say.

2:37 But why would they talk about that?

2:39 I was just trying to think of what would be shameful that they wouldn't want to talk about. But then why wouldn't she have custody?

2:45 Because she's like... Yeah.

2:47 Surrogate would make a lot of sense, but why wouldn't they just say?

2:50 Yeah, why would they... tell OP that he's just adopted.

2:54 Is it a birdcage situation? I love that movie.

2:57 Nathan Lane is nowhere to be seen, folks.

2:59 Where's Nathan Lane in drag?

3:01 It was dated a few years before my dads got married. I was just so hurt and confused. Do they think I'm super shallow or something and would resent my dad because we're not related? And why wouldn't they tell me about my mom, who is alive and well, by the way? I found her on social media married with two kids.

3:22 I guess I started getting really quiet and keeping to myself because I didn't know what to do with this and I was keeping it all inside. Then I was having this argument with my Abba and I kind of just snapped something about him not telling me about my birth mom and stuff. I didn't mean to reveal what I knew, but I did. And now they're both upset and this is just a giant mess and I feel like such an a-hole.

3:46 How are you an a-hole?

3:47 Yeah, that's kind of ridiculous. They didn't even tell you What happened?

3:52 How are you an a-hole for discovering the truth?

3:54 Yeah, you're a child. You're a child who asked for information and then they refused to give it to you and you looked for it.

4:02 You're not the a-hole.

4:02 I hope you should take a DNA test. Got loyalty, got loyalty.

4:06 Kendrick Lamar.

4:08 Inside my DNA.

4:09 But I also feel like I'm kind of justified. I don't know. It makes sense you don't know you're 14. The friends I've told about this are divided. I wish I had never looked into this. Am I the a-hole? No! And I bet your dads aren't even that upset.

4:26 Yeah, I feel like they're just ashamed of whatever happened. Or sad. And they don't know how to talk about it.

4:33 Well, there's an edit. I don't know if this really matters, but a lot of people are bringing up cultural views on... men being married and adoption over time. So I grew up in America, not near the Bible Belt. My dad is from England and moved here across the pond when he was a young adult. My Abba bounced around everywhere growing up. He met my dad when he was on a trip to London, but ultimately spent most of his time in the States. And the verdict is no a-holes here, which I agree with.

5:06 I also agree. You're 14. How can you be an a-hole? You don't even know anything yet. Get a load of this guy over here. Oh, he's not adopted and has a dad, lives with a dad. Who's also got a husband. And we have no problem with this. We're only focused on the fact you're not adopted. That's what we're going to make fun of you for. Yeah.

5:29 Watch out.

5:30 She's got a dad.

5:32 She's got a dad.

5:34 And he's biological. Me, me, me, me, me, me.

5:38 I don't know how I'd be able to, I wouldn't be able to handle that.

5:41 No, I would cripple you socially.

5:42 I don't have the strength to deal with that.

5:44 I hope you would never get over that.

5:46 If someone made fun of me right now for not being adopted, I'd probably cry. You're not adopted.

5:51 Who said that?

5:52 God? You're not adopted, Dakota. I have an update. I wrote down all my thoughts beforehand and ended up sitting down with my dads a few days after the fight to talk. I used I statements and told them how them not being honest about me being adopted really hurt me and made me feel like they didn't trust me.

6:13 It made me feel like they thought I was shallow and would love one of them more than the other, which I don't. And it made me question if we were all really as close as I thought we were. I felt it damaged our relationship. They were really understanding and the conversation got heavy and emotional. There was a lot of crying. I'm not going to go over exact details out of respect for their privacy, but here's the gist of it. My Abba, my birth father, and my dad, my adopted father, were friends ever since they were teenagers.

6:45 Whereas my dad was openly out of the closet, my Abba was not. Abba ended up marrying my birth mother, and they had two kids, a girl, and then five years later, they had me. My older sister, who I never knew, ended up passing away super traumatically when I was only a baby. Their marriage fell apart, they split, and my bio mom couldn't process it and ended up hospitalized in a mental institution for a little bit. My Abba moved in with my now dad, and they both worked together to take care of me and worked through the grieving together. After a while, my Abba accepted that he was bi, and then after a few years, they got married. Even before they were together, I apparently got super clingy to my dad as a baby. He was

7:26 the only one who could calm me down when I wanted my mom, and they were worried telling me would damage our relationship. They were planning on telling me when I was five or six, but kept putting it off until it was seemingly too late. Instead, they just buried the past and hoped it would never come up.

7:42 Aw, it always does, though. That's just wishful thinking.

7:47 I don't know. There's plenty of cold cases out there.

7:49 That's true. That is a good point. If you really buried it, you could.

7:54 Get away with it. If you bury it at certain coordinates in the Mojave Desert, it will stay buried. That's a lot.

8:02 That is a lot. I'm sorry that you're finding all this out right now at the ripe age of 14.

8:08 Not much left to live, you know. Not much left to live for.

8:13 Now that OP knows this. OP's 14.

8:14 OP knows the truth. They're no longer adopted.

8:17 You've got four years. You could run away.

8:20 You could. You could go get adopted.

8:22 Become a vagrant and go into the foster system and become adopted. Mm-hmm.

8:27 You could still live your dreams of being adopted.

8:29 You've got four years. Mm-hmm.

8:31 I really think that this will be fine. It is crazy that your parents kept this from you for so long, but you know, 14's not so late in the grand scheme of things. Could have done it when you were 50, and then you would have been so sad.

8:47 You could have found this out in some sort of Nick Cage, National Treasure-esque treasure hunt. Where your dads would have left elaborate clues for you to find your birth certificate.

9:02 And then you find out, oh my God, I'm not adopted. And then you're upset, I guess. And then the title of the movie is National Adoption.

9:13 Nationally Not Adopted.

9:15 National Not Adopted.

9:17 After my bio mom got out of the hospital, my Abba and dad both tried to help her get back on her feet. and set up visitation, but she cut all contact with them and signed away her parental rights. That was the last time they spoke to her. They had no idea that she was still alive, let alone that she had kids. I'm still kind of hurt, even though I understand why they did it. I do think our relationship got partially damaged, but it'll get better with time.

9:42 We're going into family counseling. The next step is reaching out to my bio-mom, debating whether or not to do it because I don't want to bring up any trauma for her and my dads are leaving the choice up to me, but they would like to be involved in the process. And that's the end of that story. Yeah, I'd say don't decide that until after some therapy. Yeah.

10:04 Whether or not you're going to talk to your birth mother.

10:07 Yeah, I definitely get some therapy. Maybe wait a bit because she seems like she could potentially be somewhat unstable, even if she is doing better on the surface now, at least on Facebook.

10:18 Oh, yeah. Perfect strategy? Don't ask her. Ask her husband how she's doing.

10:23 Yeah, you're like, hey, is your wife really cool and chill?

10:26 Hey, I'm just a casual stranger interested in the well-being of your wife.

10:31 Casual stranger here? How's your wife?

10:33 Definitely not the 14-year-old she gave birth to 14 years ago.

10:38 I'm an adult man in a trench coat. Not a 14-year-old that your wife gave birth to.

10:44 How is she? My name is Vincent Adultman.

10:48 Vincent Adultman.

10:49 And I am one person with a regular body. And if you ask more questions, then you're rude. And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

11:01 My cousin bullied me since I was one year old and my family let it happen.

11:06 That's like a cartoonishly evil sentence.

11:09 Hello, Reddit. I'm 23 female and I'm getting married this May to my long-term boyfriend, 27 male. We've been waiting to get married for about a year since we've been saving up our finances to move out. And now is the perfect time to start the process of getting married. I'm very excited. We have told our immediate families so far and they are all ecstatic for us and support us 100%. However, there is just one problem. I have a cousin, 25 female, who has bullied me my entire life, and I do not want said cousin at my wedding.

11:45 Growing up, she made my life a living heck. She never missed a chance to make fun of me, and she used to physically bully me as well. I remember times she would make up scenarios and tell me people from school called me ugly, fat, and a sloot. Yikes!

12:01 At one years old?

12:03 And just to make me upset and feel insecure about myself.

12:06 They were just insecure a baby could do the stuff they were doing.

12:10 Yeah, you were a baby genius, if you will. At one point, she even admitted she was jealous of me.

12:16 Maybe that's what it is.

12:17 Yeah, this whole time, OP's been a baby genius.

12:20 And her cousin's been jealous of that. It's Angelica and Tommy Pickles.

12:25 It's John Travolta.

12:26 You don't know that reference, do you?

12:28 Of course I do, Rugrats.

12:29 Thank goodness.

12:30 These days, I feel like we're only civil because our moms are very close. Her mom is my mom's sister. This piece helps our families stick together, and there have been no major incidents since then. To this day, she still makes snide remarks or backhanded comments to me. By the way, this comes from The Conflicted Bride. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the rs.showcase storytime subreddit. I'm Sophia.

12:55 I'm Dakota.

12:56 I'm Keon.

12:57 We're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. So if you've got answers, give them. Give them now in the comments.

13:03 She's threatening you. You better do it.

13:04 Give them here. Cough them up.

13:07 Opie says, I've come to realize that putting up with that toxic behavior is unhealthy. And this is my wedding day. I deserve to feel happy. I decided that I don't want to invite her to something that is supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. She doesn't deserve to be a part of my happiness. I told my mother this and she was upset. She thinks if I invite my aunt's family and exclude said cousin, my aunt will be very upset and it will cause a whole family fight. My mom also said it will trigger her anxieties and make her feel uncomfortable at my own wedding. I told her that if my aunt doesn't want to come because my cousin is uninvited, I would have no hard feelings toward her and I completely understand.

13:51 This wasn't enough for my mom and she was still upset at my response. She doesn't think it's worth not inviting my cousin for one day and that it would cause a lifetime of conflict. My fiance thinks I'm in the right and he personally doesn't want her at the wedding because of how she treated me in the past.

14:09 He said it's our day and we can choose who we want at our wedding. I still feel like I might be the a-hole for potentially causing drama just because of not wanting to invite my cousin. If you want full detail of what my cousin did to me growing up, I'll put it in the comments below.

14:24 So am I the a-hole?

14:26 Yeah.

14:27 Why'd you let your cousin do that to you?

14:29 Shouldn't have let her bullied you for so long.

14:31 Should have bullied her back.

14:33 And you could have put a stop to that at one years old.

14:36 Honestly, Opie had all the power. She's jealous of Opie. You could have just used that as momentum.

14:42 The classic debater's checkmate. Poop your pants. And then they have to smell it. Yeah.

14:50 Oh, pee poops. I thought you were cursing her.

14:51 Yeah, because she's a baby.

14:53 Curse poop your pants.

14:55 Oh, like, no. No, no, no.

14:57 Power word poop your pants.

14:59 No, that was a joke on a couple of different levels.

15:01 I see.

15:02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe after a few years you'll be able to.

15:05 I'm just a baby genius. Update. My fiance and I decided to just have a basic elopement. No celebration, no after dinner, nothing. We might go on a honeymoon afterwards. We aren't sure where to go, but I'm sure it'll be fun with no drama. We also decided to postpone the date of our elopement for a later date. As of the conversation with my mother, a couple days after I posted the original Reddit post, I talked to my mother.

15:31 I told her I am not having my cousin at my wedding. I don't care that she'll be upset. It's my day. And I say who goes and who doesn't. After I told her, she just sat there in silence. When I mentioned everything my cousin did to me in the past, and told her that she did nothing about it, she got defensive. She said she tried everything that she could, but I really don't believe that. A couple days ago, I went on a hike with my father, parents are divorced, and I told him the situation briefly. He decided to give me the full rundown about my mother's family, which was a very long conversation, and he did not hold back.

16:11 To no surprise, my father said that throughout the marriage with my mother, she always chose her siblings and mother over my father and her children. There were no boundaries on my mother's side. Just imagining Opie's dad sitting there with like a suit. He's like, let me tell you another thing about your mother. God, she never took my side.

16:31 Always her sister's and her father's. Never my side.

16:35 You were a baby genius. And you know what?

16:37 She looked at you and she said, I don't care, baby genius.

16:40 Yep. I don't care. You know what? Something you didn't know about. She was gifted taxidermist. Never did anything with it.

16:48 Everyone was in everyone's business. He told me about the bullying I received from my cousin from his perspective. To be more specific, it started when I was one years old. And my cousin at the time was three years old. How did he find out? When my parents were still living with my grandma, mom's mom, my cousin asked my dad to allow her to go upstairs with me in my bedroom alone. My dad didn't know about anything at this point, so he allowed it. A three-year-old to go alone with a one-year-old?

17:18 Yeah, it's like, when are we ever letting any... child that age just be alone?

17:24 It's because they're baby geniuses.

17:25 That's actually crazy to be like.

17:27 Yes, I will let this one-year-old be alone with a three-year-old.

17:31 Yeah, get a load of this guy. He's like, yeah, well, they'll look after each other.

17:35 They'll be fine. Those scamps. My mother then started getting hysterical, and my grandmother told my father that it wouldn't be a good idea for that to happen. He then asked, why? She's only three years old. My grandmother told him that my cousin would hate hit me and be violent towards me. They said it had been going on for months. The reason why they did not tell my father was that I wouldn't remember it and that they were just kids. What? What?

18:04 Sorry?

18:05 If I found that out, if I found out that they had been letting that happen for months, I would be going straight to the courthouse. I'd say, excuse me, your honor, I need full custody because they've been letting this happen.

18:20 Yeah, it's pretty crazy. But, like, it's also, like, not, like, the craziest thing that, like, one kid is, like, looking at the younger kid and being like, I don't like you. It's 100% something that could be, like, just, like, normally grown out of. Very weird for them to be like, don't worry, we don't care. She won't even remember it.

18:43 She's just a dumb little baby.

18:44 Well, I think that's what... The problem is it doesn't seem like they were correcting the behavior because it is fairly normal for kids to be like, I don't understand how, you know, breakable this baby is.

18:57 You've seen Lord of the Flies. Yeah.

18:59 But the parents' job is to say, whoa, whoa, whoa there, scamp.

19:03 Whoa, whoa, whoa there. We need to put this on pay-per-view. All right?

19:07 We got a little champ in here. Put them in the ring.

19:09 Don't give it away for free now.

19:12 My father was furious and tried to do everything in his power to protect me and my younger brother. Since my brother was a newborn at this time, my father did not know if they would go to him next. Throughout the years, my brother didn't receive as much bullying as I did. The lack of discipline that my aunt's kids received when I was a kid made it easier for my cousin to be nasty to me. My aunt didn't do anything from what I heard, and my mother didn't do anything either. My cousin also told my father that she hated me, and she hated my existence when she was five. My father's theory on why my cousin was so hateful towards me was because she was the first grand to be born for a while, since my

19:52 older two cousins are 20 years older than us. Because my other aunt, not my cousin's mom, had them as a teenager. Right after my cousin was born, her brother was born, and then it was me. My aunt and my mother tried to make us like twins. Same outfit, same everything. My cousin did not like that because she wanted all the attention to herself, which caused her to start bullying me at a very young age. Any chance my mom would get, she would bring me and my brother to her side of the family. It didn't matter where we were at, and I never really got to know my father's side of the family that well because of that. The part that hurt me the most was not really knowing my dad's mom. My mother would always

20:32 limit contact with her on purpose because my mom didn't like that there were other influences in my family that weren't her family.

20:39 Your family sucks, though.

20:42 They're influencing very badly. It hurts so much because all the times I remember my grandma... She was always teaching me how to fight and defend myself against my cousin.

20:52 Did you absorb any of that?

20:54 You're in baby fight club.

20:56 That was going to be my, I was going to be like, why? Why didn't anybody teach you like, all right, so you want to keep your hands high?

21:02 Grandma's going, she goes, she goes, come here, Opie. Wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off. And Opie's like two years old. She's like, wax off, wax off.

21:14 Left jab, right cross, switch stance, uppercut.

21:20 OP at the barbecue with the big bag of ice they've got for the drinks. She just goes, breaks them all.

21:27 And then people look, all the ice are arranged exactly in order from largest to smallest on the bar.

21:35 All of the ice is individually cut.

21:37 Everyone starts crying. And then a halo appears. Yeah, everyone bows. The baby starts floating. I like today.

21:46 She always taught me to hold my ground. I knew she loved me with all her heart and I loved her too. There were other things that my father mentioned about the family, which I'm not going to go too deep into because it's irrelevant. The main message I got from all of this is to not break my boundaries and to stay away from her and the rest of my mother's family because they will turn on me.

22:05 If your cousin turns on you, exposes their back, they're cooked.

22:11 They're done.

22:12 They're done.

22:13 Just a one chop. To the pressure points, they go down.

22:16 Very easy, Opie. Break the wrist, walk away.

22:19 Just a one chop to the pressure points. One, one chop.

22:23 Opie continues, he told me it's not worth fighting my mother about these things because she's delusional and she'll always take the side of her siblings instead of her children. In my father's word, she's essentially made me and my brother sacrificial lambs for the sake of the relationship with her family instead of protecting her children. And let me tell you another thing. She's made you guys sacrificial lambs.

22:46 She puts you up on an altar every night and she sacrifices.

22:51 You to the gods. Y'all ever heard about the blood of the lamb?

22:54 Y'all ever heard of the silence of the lambs?

22:56 You ever heard about a little guy named Moses? Let me tell you.

23:02 OP continues, I'm going to keep my distance from my family and keep working hard to save my money so I can move out of my mother's house. I understand now that I cannot be around my mother's side of the family at all. It would be a very unhealthy environment for my future children and husband. I don't want to make the same mistakes my mother made. I want to be the best role model my family could have.

23:25 And that is the end of the story, folks. Wow. We got another one coming right up, but, uh, I.

23:32 Mean, yeah, I guess at the end of the day.

23:35 Your mother kind of sucks.

23:37 You know, you kind of lost an opportunity to become the ultimate fighter.

23:43 Yeah, you could have had something. You kind of peaked, you know?

23:48 Yeah.

23:49 It all went downhill.

23:51 I mean, hey, don't let it get to you. You know, we can only move forward. The only way forward is through. The only way through is forward.

23:57 The only way through is forward.

23:59 It kind of means the same thing.

24:00 The only way through is under.

24:01 That's true. Sometimes.

24:03 Sometimes that's true if you're under a bridge.

24:07 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one. I refused to stop helping my sister. It made my girlfriend upset.

24:17 I'll help her if I want to help her.

24:18 My younger sister, 25, female, is working towards getting her master's degree in New York. While she loves the city and school, she hates how expensive everything has become. She does work part-time, but it simply isn't enough. My parents, 77, male, female, 73, have been sending her money each month. But since they recently retired, they've had to cut back. To fill the gap, my brother, male 28, and I, male 32, have begun sending some money to our sister from time to time to help with her rent. I have a well-paying job and a close relationship with my sister, so I'm happy.

24:59 Happy to help where I can. However, my girlfriend, female 30, has expressed her dissatisfaction with the arrangement. We have been saving up to put a down payment on a house in the future, and my girlfriend believes that my financial contributions to my sister is hindering our progress. Yesterday, which happened to be the day I usually send my sister's money...

25:24 Crazy coincidence, sure that didn't happen on purpose. Girlfriend told me that we needed to reduce expenses and one suggestion she made was for me to no longer send money to my sister. She believes that my sister needs to learn how to manage her money better and that my brother, male 28, should contribute more. I told her about how I feel a responsibility towards my sister and how my brother doesn't make as much as I do. And while she did acknowledge that she then said I was financially naive...

25:54 and said she doesn't want me to be taken advantage of. I was kind of disappointed hearing this, as I made the conscientious and conscious decision to help my sister and wasn't falling for some sort of scam. And by the way, It comes from a deleted user. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story. I'm separate. What are you doing? I'm Dakota.

26:15 Go there. I'm Sophia.

26:16 I'm Keon. Do whatever you want.

26:18 Do it.

26:18 I won't force you to do anything.

26:20 That's Dakota. That's Keon.

26:21 That's Dakota. That's Keon. And I'm Sophia.

26:24 Do whatever you want within reason.

26:25 Um, well, if the within reason includes liking the stream.

26:30 Yeah, do that. And also, you know, whatever. Tell us what you think in the comments. We want to hear what you think. You can hear what we think. And let us know if you hate it or love it.

26:39 But don't be mean.

26:41 OP says, the conversation ended because we both had to go to work. But she told me not to send anything until we've further discussed this. During my lunch break at work, I proceeded to send my sister some money and told girlfriend about this over dinner. She told me that she was disappointed. At this point, I was getting a little annoyed and responded by saying I was not willing to compromise on my current arrangement with my sister.

27:09 Girlfriend got upset with this and left the table. Am I the a-hole? Edit, I make $ 15, 500 a month and have been putting away $ 4, 000 to $ 6, 000 each month towards a future house. Girlfriend makes about $ 7, 000 a month currently and saves about $ 1, 000 a month for the house. She said she'll contribute more once her student loans are paid off.

27:29 I pay for rent and utilities. Girlfriend pays for most of the groceries. I started sending my sister $ 1, 500 a month since my parents retired. Sister pays $ 2, 800 a month in rent and $ 350 a month in transportation. I contribute $ 1, 500, brother $ 750, and parents pay $ 500. Wait, reel that back. $ 2, 800?

27:42 Does she live in New York? Probably.

27:51 Oh, okay. Like, that's expensive.

27:55 Does she live in New York? Yes. Oh. Our mother was terrified of sister living in New York City on her own and only agreed if she lived in a nicer area and had a car. It's mom's fault. Update! My girlfriend and I had a long talk after work. It did not go well. To summarize, tensions escalated during the conversation. I told her that I plan to continue helping my sister until she completes her degree and and afterward she would either start working or move back to our parents' home until she finds a job. However, my girlfriend expressed her belief that my sister and whole family is manipulating me and thinks I'm naive enough to send her money regardless of how she uses it. I started to feel increasingly annoyed and defensive by her accusations and

28:42 asserted that it's my money and I have the right to spend it as I see fit. I then stupidly said that if she really wanted us to buy a house, she should save more and cut back on expenses like nice shoes, clothes, and purses.

28:57 My dad just bought a house in the Philippines for $ 13, 000 USD.

28:59 Yeah, I.

29:02 Mean, if you went literally anywhere else, if you went to Bali, y'all could buy a house. It's very cheap there.

29:09 At this point, she became properly angry and declared that she couldn't stay in the same house as me and said that she would be going to her friend's house. Before leaving, she said, call me when you stop thinking like an effing idiot. Before I could even think, I replied, I won't be calling. And I feel that may have irreparably damaged our relationship. I don't know, bro. I end it right there. She goes, I can't stay in the same house as you. I go, well, then it looks, I guess that this is over.

29:38 I've saved so much money from my house.

29:41 I won't need that much room anymore. Seeing as we've been saving to buy one of those, I guess that that's the end of that chapter. You should move in with your sister.

29:51 It's so fun.

29:52 Ooh, are you thinking condo? Are we moving into a condo? Are we buying a flat?

29:56 Upper West Side?

29:57 Yeah.

29:57 Yeah, we could get something nice in New York City.

30:00 Are we buying our own apartment in Tampa Bay, Florida?

30:03 Yeah, no. It's crazy that the girlfriend is being this entitled, and I don't think we should move in together.

30:09 Update two. I would like to express my thanks to all of you for sharing your perspectives and insights. Your input is truly appreciated. Following the fight with girlfriend, I reached out to my brother to confide in him about what happened. His take was pretty optimistic. However, he advised me to stand firm in my position while also remaining open to fully hearing out my girlfriend and considering the possibility of reconciliation. He cautioned against contacting girlfriend's friend to ask about her whereabouts as it may smell of desperation and instead said that he would come over as he lives about an hour away so he could spend some time together over a movie and dinner. At this point, I feel drained and numb. It has been a long day,

30:57 and to be honest, I just won it over. Update three, my brother came by and bought dinner. We've been watching The Dark Knight. I don't know why he chose that.

31:11 What do you mean?

31:12 What do you mean? You know exactly.

31:13 I don't know why he chose that one.

31:14 Not been seen as a good movie by anyone else, of course.

31:18 It's not right. It's not the best Batman.

31:20 Yeah.

31:20 You should watch I Am Legend. That's what I watched.

31:22 It's not the best Batman, actually.

31:23 Dark Knight Rises.

31:25 The Batman is the best Batman.

31:26 The Batman 2.

31:28 Might also be good. I was debating or just going, Rachel! Christopher Nolan's second best movie. Still haven't heard from girlfriend or her friend. For those wondering, I am a chemical engineer and girlfriend has been paying about $ 2, 500 a month to pay off her student loans. Update. Cuatro. Before I begin.

31:51 I would like to thank everyone. Okay, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, I'm sorry. Yes, they really like the support. I'm sorry, OP. Your words matter. I want to provide some additional context about my relationship with my girlfriend. We started dating in January of last year, officially becoming a couple by the end of March, and she moved in with me in May.

32:10 Okay.

32:11 Oh, oh, you officially became a couple in March and she moved in right after that? This is where all of your problems.

32:18 Are coming from.

32:19 Making a lot of sense now.

32:21 In hindsight, I must admit that the pace of our relationship was driven by my infatuation rather than the development of a deep connection. Her fun-loving nature and beauty had an influence on me, causing me to overlook the misalignment of our values. Regarding Girlfriend's relationship with my family and friends, she seemed to get along well with everyone. Although I feel like she never may like my brother, my mother made significant efforts to make Girlfriend feel welcome, likely due to her desire for grandchildren. On the other hand, my relationship with Girlfriend's friends and parents was different. I couldn't help but feel that they saw girlfriend as being out of my league for some reason. And some of her

33:03 friends even told me how lucky I should consider myself to have girlfriend in my life. There were also other warning signs that I chose to ignore, and I want to share them now. Girlfriend wanted to impose restrictions on how often I could visit my family throughout the year. Yikes!

33:21 That's a huge red flag. We didn't say, hey, stop that.

33:24 Hey.

33:27 What a beautiful kind of day.

33:29 To see my family.

33:30 To see my family today.

33:32 Did she like elaborate?

33:35 She's like, hey, don't see your family anymore.

33:38 And you just went, oh, okay.

33:42 Did you want to do Thai tonight?

33:45 And I said, hey, I want Thai food today.

33:48 I don't need to see my family.

33:50 Less than a month after moving in with me, just three months after you started dating, she leased a BMW. contradicting your previous statements about wanting to pay off her student loans quickly. At the time, I found it strange, but didn't raise any objections, thinking that Girlfriend deserved to treat herself after years of schooling. Over the following month, she continued splurging on expensive clothes, shoes, purses, coats, and more.

34:18 Looking back, I doubt she was completely honest about how she was managing her student loan payments. Girlfriend... regularly urged me to distance myself from some of my friends, citing reasons like them being bad influences or me spending too much time with them. When I mentioned that her friends didn't seem to think highly of me, she shrugged it off, claiming they only wanted what was best for her. Fast forward to today. As most people recommended, I kept my word and didn't call girlfriend. Instead, early this morning, around 5 a.m., She texted me suggesting that we meet at a local cafe to discuss our future. I replied with a simple, sure, sure. The atmosphere felt tense, but we did exchange brief Kurt greetings. Sup, Kurt? How'd you say

35:09 hi to Kurt this week? Let's exchange Kurt greetings. Before we drove straight into the conversation, she began by expressing her hurt over my failure to call her repeatedly emphasizing that I needed to be reasonable and prioritize our relationship above all else. I noticed her consistent use of the word you instead of us or we. When I pointed this out, she claimed that her initiating this meeting was proof of her commitment and that if I were truly committed, I would have called her the moment she left. At that moment, I chose to remain silent, and I believe she interpreted my silence as her winning the argument. She then shifted the conversation to finances, bluntly stating that our best course of action was to ensure neither of us

35:53 carried any debt. According to her, the only way to achieve this was with me, to start paying some of her loans. I insisted that this shouldn't interfere with my agreement to support my sister if I did agree to pay her loans, but girlfriend asserted that it would impede our progress as a couple. I argued that supporting my family and progressing in our relationship should not be mutually exclusive.

36:15 In response, girlfriend declared that if we were both serious, I needed to make her center focus. You know what this is? This is just a woman who turned 30 and like panicked. She's like, shoot, shoot, shoot. She's 30 now and she's like, oh my God. I need to lock down my husband. You make $ 15, 000 a month.

36:33 Great. Okay.

36:34 No more family. No more friends. Give me your money. Pay off my debts.

36:37 She's not to do another I am legend thing, but like she's closing all of the blinds, locking down the windows. She's got those lights that blow up people.

36:46 She's got the light. She's got the.

36:48 Lights that make all the people, all the zombies run away.

36:50 She woke up like that meme of Squidward's eyes one day. She just.

36:56 She woke up in a cold sweat.

36:58 She went, no. Don't stop talking to your sister.

37:01 You can't see her anymore. I need them to break up.

37:05 Let's find out. She then added that even if she did agree to allow me to continue supporting my sister, it wouldn't end there as these things never do. With this, she began inquiring about my parents, pointing out their advanced age and suggesting that we throw them into the sea. No, she suggested that they would soon require regular support. And without hesitation, I firmly reiterated my stances that if my parents ever needed any form of assistance, I would give it to them and not turn them into chum and throw them in the ocean.

37:42 Reasonable.

37:43 I would not hesitate to offer it. She followed up by asking, even if they wanted to live with you? To which I replied, yes.

37:51 She went, checkmate, liberal, even if they want to live with you?

37:54 She has the audacity to ask that question. She's like, that's a good one. That'll get them.

37:59 Yeah.

37:59 She's like, would you rather take care of your parents, but they have to live with you, or throw them into the sea?

38:06 Think carefully.

38:07 Survey says there is.

38:09 A correct answer.

38:10 What do you think?

38:12 I love seafood. She pressed further, asking, even if I said they can't? Once again, I responded, yes. At that moment, girlfriend stood up saying that she was disappointed to see what kind of person I've become. You've known him for a year.

38:31 You've known him for a year.

38:32 You don't even know what person he used to be. Have they? Did they?

38:35 You've known him for a year. Get out of here. Get out of town.

38:39 If even that.

38:40 If even a year.

38:41 I think that's like overshooting it.

38:42 You've maybe known him for six months. Get out of town.

38:45 Honestly, this girl... She's not playing the long game really well.

38:49 No, she's playing the short game and she's playing it badly.

38:51 No, she's playing the I turned 30 and now my eyes look like Squidward's.

38:55 I don't have time.

38:57 And you make $ 15, 000. Gimme, gimme, gimme a man with that money. She also said how she and her friends had always sensed there was something off about me. In response, I stated, if you believed that, you shouldn't have moved in. And she was unable to offer a retort to that. Oh, gotcha. Um, excuse me. If you truly believe that, you were erroneous in your decision to move in with me. She went, wait, wait, wait, wait.

39:30 we're up we're coming up on the end of this story here.

39:33 We sure are finish her off take her home bring her in.

39:37 She then began making remarks about how it was only a matter of time before i would beg her to take me back.

39:44 She really thinks wow there's I got you wrapped around my finger.

39:49 I firmly told her that the only thing I would be asking was for her to take her belongings and return my keys. A classy move. She tossed the keys at me before making several comments asserting that she didn't need me and that I had wasted her time and how I greatly disappointed her. I said, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm no longer obligated to listen to you complain. And with that, she stormed off. About an hour later, I got a text from one of her friends saying that they were coming without girlfriend tomorrow to get her stuff. I'm hoping that once they do, I can put this whole thing behind me.

40:28 We've done it, folks. We've done it. We put it all behind us.

40:32 We did it. We did it.

40:35 Good.

40:35 Good.

40:36 Never come back. Take your things and go. You are the weakest link.

40:41 Goodbye.

40:42 Take your chair and go.

40:43 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here. And we're going to get back to the stories. But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

40:55 I deactivated my niece's social media because she refused to do a safety course.

40:59 What are you, the government of Australia?

41:02 I have custody of my sister's daughter, a 13 year old. She became old enough for social media a few months ago. I let her create profiles on her birthday. I said the condition was that she make her accounts private and only accept follow friend requests from people she knows. She showed me her accounts, which were set to private, so I believed her. I also followed her so I could see what she was posting, which she agreed to. A couple weeks ago, I decided to check her profile, as I hadn't seen one of her posts in a while, despite her being on there all the time. It's public, not private, so she changed her settings. and I'm no longer following her. I'm assuming I was soft-blocked, as I can still see her profile. However, the part that concerned

41:46 me was her bio. She has her full date of birth, full name, town name, ethnicity, other info about her, and photos of her and her friends in their school uniforms with the school crest visible. By the way, this comes from Deleted, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit. I'm Sophia.

42:07 I'm Dakota.

42:08 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. I told her why this was a problem, but she responded that it wasn't a problem.

42:18 Oh, okay.

42:18 No, it's not a problem.

42:19 Done deal.

42:20 The 13-year-old told us that it wasn't a problem. Super good. I told her she has two options. Take an internet safety course or delete and deactivate all our profiles. She chose the first option. I paid for a short course, an estimated four hours to complete. It took a couple days, at which point she told me she'd taken the course and passed with flying colors, even showing me the certificate that said she passed. I gave it a day, checked her profile, and it was the exact same, except I was blocked and had to go on incognito to check it.

42:52 I also checked the course website, and it said that you, as in the user, spent 17 minutes on the course. That was the last straw. So I told her to delete slash deactivate everything, and I put software on the PC, which I've used to block social media. I can't do much about apps on her phone, but it's something. She's told my mother what I've done, and my mom is outraged.

43:16 Says I had no right to take away her social media, that I should reinstate it, and apologize for being paranoid and controlling, and let her make her own choices about her personal safety. F.

43:27 13 and that is the second most idiotic thing we've heard in this story what i have no right as this child's guardian.

43:38 I don't know i think this is maybe a scared straight moment you know yeah like i think you need to like get like a make a fake profile your own of like some creepy man yeah being like i'm gonna come visit you at your school i know that you have x class at x time And then she'll be like, oh, and it'll be like, yeah, that's that's what could happen. Because why do you have this profile public?

44:03 That is like that's a it's like a somewhat morally ambiguous thing to do.

44:07 But I think I actually agree with you.

44:09 Well, she's not going to do it any other way. The only other way you might be able to do it is if you become so obsessed with your own social media that she's like, ew, gross.

44:18 Like, why?

44:18 You embarrass her. I said she's 13 with no concept of Internet safety. She can have social media back when she understands how any aspect of online safety works. My mother feels this is unreasonable and that I have moved the goalposts as she completed the course like I asked. But there's no way she completed a four-hour course in less than 20 minutes.

44:40 Quizzer.

44:41 Quizzer.

44:41 It's crazy that your mom is also, like, your mom sounds like someone who gets scammed with a phishing email. Yeah. Like.

44:48 Oh, it gets worse. Mom says she's 13, not a little kid, and I need to trust that she knows what she's doing.

44:54 She doesn't.

44:54 She doesn't know what she's doing.

44:55 She doesn't. She fully doxxed herself in her profile.

44:58 I said she has to earn that trust first, and my mom accused me of moving the goalposts and said her completing the course should have earned that trust.

45:05 Which she didn't do.

45:06 She did not do that. Am I the a-hole for not letting her off social media? And we do have an edit. No! I don't even think she should have a phone anymore, honestly. Give her a flip phone.

45:16 Here's the big... thing is is it doesn't make you the a-hole but i don't think you're gonna find this ineffective means of changing your behavior.

45:25 Yeah i honestly think you have to give her a flip phone i think she'll find some sort of workaround if you let her keep her phone because i did my parents would like hide my phone you know this was in high school because i didn't get a phone until high school but i would spend time on my phone and then they would hide like my electronics because they didn't want me to use them and i knew where all the hiding spots were i they could not hide it from.

45:47 Me Yeah, this kid's just going to become better at being sneaky if you keep doing this.

45:53 Like my mom wouldn't give us the Netflix passwords and Sam and I would figure them out. You're pretty crafty when you're a kid.

46:00 Like it's not even that the social media is inherently evil for her. I don't know. It's just, I wouldn't want my kid on it. My whole mission would be to make my kid think that this flip phone is actually the coolest thing. And that rejecting this thing that everyone else does is actually the cool thing to do.

46:17 It's so cool to have a flip phone.

46:18 Yeah. It's like, and honestly, if you have no social media and you don't care about being online, that is cool.

46:25 It's pretty cool. To be clear, this is more about my conflict with my mother and her accusations of me being controlling. I don't expect anyone to call a 13-year-old an a-hole. Also, to clarify a few things, I'm a woman. My niece's mother is my older sister. My sister and my niece's father are both uninvolved in her life, which is why I have sole custody and have legally adopted her.

46:47 The mother I mentioned above is my mother, who is also my niece's grandmother. And we do have an update, but again, you are her legal guardian. Your mom has no right to tell you what to do with your child.

46:58 Yeah, if your mom is trying to say a 13-year-old is old enough to make the decision to put all of their personal information on a public profile where any creep could see it, your mom's an idiot. And you just tell her, okay, silly little goose.

47:15 All right.

47:16 Update, it's been a few days. I read through every comment on my original post and saw all your feedback, particularly the parts about my niece being unlikely to trust me after this. I sat my niece down one final time. I talked to her again about all the information she wanted to add, tried to explain again why it was a bad idea to put her full name, her date of birth, location, and whatever else online, and she still did not believe that it could be dangerous. So I asked her what information she wanted to put exactly. She told me.

47:48 I googled it.

47:49 The entire first page of results was all about her, or my sister, her mother, or me. It showed her school website, as she's mentioned in the newsletter. Her full name also brought up her personal phone number and a website for details of the adoption. I then showed her what was linked with my name, despite my very careful social media presence. The results included a background check website that listed all my former names, my number, my address, where we currently live, and more behind a paywall. She now completely understands what I was trying to tell her.

48:19 Nice. Right. See, that's what I meant, where it's like, yeah, that's the strategy that's going to get her to change, not just being like, you can't have this.

48:30 We worked out a new deal. Good job, OP. I think that is almost better. I think your scared straight thing would have probably worked too.

48:37 Yeah, but I guess you didn't need to go that far.

48:41 I think your way was the best way rather than just taking her phone or anything because, again, she would have found a way somehow. And she still wouldn't have believed you. And this way she believes you and understands.

48:53 Right.

48:54 Good job. And your mom's stupid. She's allowed social media, but instead of all the information she wanted to add, she's only added her star sign and that she's a minor. She can give a location, but it has to be our county, not our town. Her profile will be on private, and she can only link up with people she knows in real life. I will follow her from a fake account so her friends don't see her aunt on her friends list. These restrictions will lessen in due time. If she does anything to screw it up, it all gets deactivated again, and we won't even revisit the topic of social media until she's 15. As for my mother, I called her and told her to back off. I said that I have custody of my niece, so I make

49:33 the decisions, and my mom doesn't get to make that harder for me. that if she really thought my niece putting her full name, date of birth, location online was safe, she's an idiot. And it pisses me off that the only times I hear from her is so that she can tell me that I'm doing something wrong. When she herself was given the chance to adopt my niece, she refused.

49:54 My mom essentially said that she can't believe I treat her like this and I shouldn't expect to hear from her for a while. I didn't expect to hear from you before. We've just established that you never call me.

50:05 You only call me when you tell me I'm wrong.

50:08 So yeah, no, I won't expect to hear from you. Oh, your mom's so stupid.

50:12 I would just love to hear her rationalize why a 13-year-old is like a fully formed person capable of making all of their own decisions. And I'm not saying that they can't, because that is the kind of traditional age where, okay, you kind of start giving your kid like more freedom and like more decision-making, but like they can't just make the decision to blast all of their private information online.

50:42 Yeah.

50:43 You're still their parent. You still have to say, Hey, Hey, you went a little too far there. Let me reel you back in.

50:50 It's like, she's 13. She can decide to rob the bank a la the dark night. If she wants to, okay?

50:57 If she wants to. She's 13.

50:58 If she can get eight criminals together with clown masks and convince them all to take each other out.

51:04 Then I'm honestly impressed.

51:06 She's an entrepreneur.

51:08 Yeah, I feel like this grandma is kind of the type that posts just every piece of information about her grandkids. She's like, oh, look at my little grandbaby picture. They're this many years old and they live here and I'm so proud of them.

51:25 Of them. Full legal name is blank, blankety blank. Birthday, blankety blank.

51:31 Yeah, on their public account.

51:32 Social security number, blankety blank, blankety blank.

51:34 And I'm so proud of them. Don't do that. But that's the end of that story, and we got another one coming right up.

51:40 My daughter accused me of loving her sister more, and it had been building for years.

51:46 Well, that's just not true.

51:47 I have two daughters, Lena, 13, and Zoe, 17. For their schooling, I've always encouraged them to try rather than caring about grades. I've always found work ethic, resilience, and responsibility to be more important than smarts alone, so I would say that was what I always focused on. School is properly back this year, so my wife and I decided to reward them if they did well. I would say the expectations were clear and about them behaving well rather than grades. And since people seem to not be understanding, quick edit, The reward was contingent on good behavior. Doing well referred to the effort. See my next sentence explaining my expectations. They were about behaving. I never changed the basis of reward. The girls' semester report came out yesterday.

52:33 While the main focus is academics, each subject also grades and comments on behavior in class. Lena got mostly Cs, but she struggles with school, so that's an achievement for her. Her teachers all graded her behavior as perfect and mentioned how she was clearly trying and everything. Zoe, to put it very crudely, basically had all but one of her teachers saying she's extremely smart, almost straight A's, but a complete a-hole and a problem in class. So in my opinion, Lena should be rewarded, but not Zoe. By the way, this comes from Am I the A-hole? Report dad. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Dakota.

53:11 I'm Sophia.

53:12 We're here to read this story and give our good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers to everything. We only know what we know, so let us know what you know in the comments. Opie says, Still that night, we took them both out and celebrated finishing the semester. We did say we were proud of them and everything, but today I talked to Zoe about what her teacher said.

53:32 She says it's not her fault her teachers suck and are boring, which may be true, but she still can't be rude or distract others. Zoe really wasn't happy about the discussion and got upset when I told her she wouldn't be rewarded. She basically thought her grades should mean it's fine and that I'm punishing her when it's not her fault. I decided to leave the discussion for later, when she was calmer, but I made it clear that while I'm disappointed in her acting up, I do still love her and am proud of her doing well, score-wise.

53:59 By this evening, it seemed to have calmed, but Zoe overheard Lena talking to my wife about deciding on her reward and got angry again. She said it's unfair that Lena's getting rewarded for bad grades, but she gets nothing for A's. tried to take her aside and talk to her, explaining it wasn't about the grade, but she didn't take it well and claims that we love Lena more and are favoring her. That it's unfair that she has such lower standards to meet, but that's not the case. How is she not getting it when you're just like, those aren't the standards that we're judging by?

54:31 We've got high standards for your behavior and you're not meeting them.

54:36 My wife feels bad and changed her mind and thinks maybe we should reward her with something since she did so well academically. And it was a struggle to adjust given everything, but I don't think we should reward her for misbehaving. Even if she scores well, if she acts up, it could harm other students. I know what happened back when I was in school. I have not changed my mind and don't think it's wrong, but my wife clearly thinks it's an a-hole move. So am I the a-hole here?

55:01 And there is an update. No, no.

55:04 And I think it'd be even worse if you let her think, oh, if you just complain enough, you get what you want. She's 17. She's 17. She's too old. Like we're literally right at the cusp of where you get to parent and assert your control here and try and help her in the real world. Or prepare her for the real world. And you got to do it right now.

55:28 I don't know. I think it skirts... I think there is a point to his wife's take that we should do something.

55:35 For her academics. Because it's like she's 17. They all went out.

55:38 They all went out.

55:39 They all celebrated.

55:40 There should be something. But I think it needs to be like... You need to frame it in a way where it's like, okay... Let's let's let's form your argument for like it present to me why you do deserve an award despite all of these things about your behavior. What can you present to me to show me that that's going to be something you focus on like in the future? Now that there's a clear cut and dry understanding, like I don't really care about your grades. I know you're really smart. I know you can get A's. I just care that you're trying and you're and you're not, you know. a problem for all your other classmates. Yeah.

56:14 Like really pointing out that she needs to improve on this.

56:17 Cause like, yeah, just complaining about something over and over again, doesn't necessarily make it happen. But like, also if something is bothering you and you don't point it out with like a well thought out argument, like nothing's going to change.

56:30 And also maybe she's in the wrong classes, you know, sometimes if you're in a class that you're just like, totally, usually this is for younger kids and, If you feel very understimulated, you tend to act out more. But obviously she's a little too old to get away with that.

56:48 Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, give her a chance. Be like the way that you got just got upset and got mad. That's not how you get what you want. You got to you got to be like, hey, OK, what about this update? I struggled to understand it at first and did not expect the level of vitriol and personal attacks. While a minority, I unfortunately got bothered by all the attacks and especially the few who insulted Lena. I slept on it and realized a lot of the rest was good advice and that I made a mistake in how I handled Zoe. The next day, I got Zoe to join me on my walk and we talked. I apologized for not realizing how unfair it was. I did reassure her I loved her and it wasn't about playing favorites.

57:28 And while I never had A's, I did coast through school. And it came to bite me hard later in life, and I was worried about it happening to Zoe.

57:38 I don't think you really made a mistake, but I do think it's good to talk to her. But I don't really think that was fully a mistake.

57:44 But it still wasn't fair, even if I didn't mean it that way. From what Zoe said, it was a bit like most were saying, that she's bored. She basically said she learns better from the textbooks than most of her teachers. She did admit she can be rude to them, but said it's because they clearly don't like her.

58:00 Probably because she's rude to them.

58:02 Yeah. She's like, well.

58:04 I'm rude to them because they don't like me because I'm rude to them.

58:08 It's the unending cycle, right? Yep. And like, again, it's like, that's exactly what OP is talking about. Yeah. Because you can be a genius. And when you go out into the world and you have a job and you get a boss and you're like, this freaking idiot doesn't know what he's talking about. Guess what's going to happen? You're going to get fired, right?

58:29 Yeah, like you have to know how to get along with people, even when you're bored, which she will be. She's got to be bored and think that she's doing stupid work, even if she's at a job for really smart people.

58:41 For the favoritism, she just basically said, I'm always helping Lena and proud of her, but I'm never proud of Zoe. And I tried to explain that I am proud of her. And the helping is because literally every time I try, she just says it's fine and says she doesn't need any help. I think it all went well, and she understands that I love her even if I messed up.

59:02 Hopefully she can use her words a bit more, but I'll definitely try to be more persistent in the future. I plan to talk to her school as soon as possible, though I don't know when. they'll respond, given it's holidays. For the reward, they're both getting one. Zoe still has not decided what, but she has until next week to figure it out. And as an aside, I think our system may be different. From what I understand, depending on the subject, it's difficult for teachers to simply teach her more advanced stuff because she simply won't get anything out of it in terms of marks. I'll definitely try to work it out with the school, but it's unfortunately too late to really transfer her to another. Selective schools won't accept,

59:36 and the private ones here aren't exactly good enough to justify uprooting in year 11. We're coming up on the end. You know, I really would have liked you to see, you know, I would have liked to see you explaining the difference between Zoe and Lena.

59:50 Yeah, I feel like OP got so caught up in everyone in the comments saying, you made a mistake, you're the a-hole. that he kind of forgot why he was doing that.

1:00:02 Well, I do agree that there was a mistake made, but I don't think the mistake was in the, you know, the, the, the reason, the outline that you had of like why this was happening. I think what you were doing around it was like, cause once your kids start saying stuff like you like her better than me, it's like, okay, this isn't just about the grades anymore. This is like a bigger issue. And it's like, okay, the reason that we're helping her is she needs more help than you do.

1:00:26 And it doesn't mean that we love her more. And it's like, we told you from the beginning, it wasn't about the grades. You had bad behavioral marks. And that's why we weren't going to give you a reward. But if you can show me an argument to where it's like your good grades and a renewed commitment to improving your behavior deserves a reward. We can, we can discuss that.

1:00:48 I think that would be a way better way to handle it than just being like, okay, you can have a reward now. Cause your grades were good.

1:00:54 And it's like, no, it's like, no, but.

1:00:56 That wasn't the reasoning. You told us what the reason, I don't know. I think, I think it feels like OP just got a little bit worried that all the Reddit comments were right. But I think that there was a kind of a middle, you know, a little compromise of those two ideas that could have been made.

1:01:14 Further, I don't know how grades work elsewhere, but a C is not fail or borderline, so please stop insulting Lena. I messed up, but that gives no one the right to attack her. Between prep to year 10, a C means understanding everything expected. Lena's grades were all high Cs at level half a year ahead, or Bs, which is literally meeting or exceeding expectations. Anyways, to apologize to Zoe, I had a day out, just me and her, where we did whatever she wanted. It was a great day, and I really enjoyed it, and I think she did too.

1:01:45 She even told me she loves me, and she's not the type to say that kind of thing very much. Even if some don't believe it, I really do love her.

1:01:51 I never thought that you didn't. Who's in the comments saying you don't love your daughter?

1:01:56 Yeah, you just gotta block out a lot of the noise.

1:02:00 Yeah.

1:02:00 But no, it was more than fair, you know?

1:02:05 Yeah, I still honestly think that you were closer to the answer earlier. the first time around, but I'm glad that you had a good conversation.

1:02:12 With your daughter. It's like, like, does she even understand like why you care more about the behavioral marks?

1:02:20 I don't know.

1:02:21 Because it's like, we get it. You are smart. You need to know how to get along because if you can't do that, no one's going to want to work with you. And that's literally the entire reason we as a species are, have succeeded so well.

1:02:38 Collaboration.

1:02:40 Yes, we collaborate. We share. And if you're such an a-hole, no one wants to collaborate with you, good luck doing everything by yourself.

1:02:50 Yeah, and I think she is just too old for this lesson to not be imminently important.

1:02:59 Yeah, especially in a world where just like the marks, the grades... are so emphasized. It's like, well, if you're smart, nothing else matters.

1:03:09 It's not true.

1:03:09 It's like if you don't know how to get along with people, I mean.

1:03:14 They won't hire you.

1:03:15 It's been like that forever. Yeah. And there's a very small percentage of extremely gifted and talented people who can transcend that. Yes.

1:03:24 Life is 95% a popularity contest. And if people don't like you, it's really hard.

1:03:33 Yeah, but it's harder for sure. But that's enough of that. Good luck.

1:03:39 Good luck.

1:03:40 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

1:03:44 My stepdad convinced my mother I didn't need her and she believed him for years.

1:03:49 What a convincing guy.

1:03:51 So I, 21 female, am currently in university and living in a dorm using my own money and everything. My mom, 40 female, had me when she was 19. My dad joined the military to provide and so he was gone most of the time. My parents split up when I was young and my mom and I moved across the country. My mom started dating again when I was a teenager and it was like I became invisible. When she married Gregory, 50 male, it became even more different. I grew really resentful when my mom had a new baby and I'll admit that it wasn't healthy and neither was my attitude.

1:04:27 When the time for university came, I got a good enough scholarship and moved out. I'm honestly surprised they noticed I was even gone. I've gotten two texts from my mom a year. Happy birthday and happy new year. Not even a Merry Christmas? Damn. Only this year did I get a third text, and that was just to announce that I have a new baby sister. By the way, this comes from the Anubis Prophet. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit. I'm Sophia.

1:04:55 I'm Dakota.

1:04:56 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And OP says, So, I got an email the other day that was pretty much an invite to a Christmas dinner they were hosting. And it seems like a lot of extended family are going to be there. I don't want to be there, so I declined the invite. Yesterday, I got a phone call from my mom crying about me deciding not to come to the dinner and really wanting to see me. Then Gregory took the phone and all but called me an a-hole while scolding me. It's made me feel a little bad because she's still my mom and I feel like I should just go for her sake. Am I the a-hole? And we do have

1:05:37 an update. But what do you think?

1:05:40 I don't know, man. Like, it's kind of like one of those things where you might maybe be in your own way a little bit because you're like, oh, I want this. My parents don't, my mom doesn't care about me. And, you know, now she's like wanting me to come to this thing. And I'm like, you know, it's like, well, just go. Is that what you want? Do you want to, do you want that? And talk to her.

1:06:02 I think there's a little fear of, oh, well, is this just going to go away? You know, why would I go to something? That might not give me what I want or will give me what I want. And then I get it taken away. So I think there's a level of fear coming into play. Update. So my mom's Christmas party came and went this past Friday. And I'd figure I'm making an update. Like I thought my mom phoned me back because my grandma made her. She asked to meet me in person, but I said I didn't feel comfortable. She said she could bring Gregory or grandma if it would help. I said heck no to Gregory.

1:06:36 which surprised her. But I did agree to grandma. I feel like your mom just doesn't pay attention, hasn't paid attention to anything in your life. She's like, wait, what?

1:06:46 You don't like Gregory?

1:06:47 Since when?

1:06:48 But he's my husband. Shouldn't you like him?

1:06:52 After some snow issues, we met in a coffee shop with grandma claiming she would be a mediator. I looked at my post to see your guys' advice to guide me before I left. I admitted to mom that I didn't want to see her, but I thought that this would clear the air. I asked why there were barely only two texts a year. And she said Gregory told her college kids didn't need their moms and that she would be interfering. I asked why she couldn't at least phone me to invite me. She said Gregory told her that sending an Evite made me on the same level as the other relatives and that I would like being respected.

1:07:26 That made no sense to me. So I got mad.

1:07:29 Well, I mean, also, yeah, I'd be mad because I'd be like, what? What does Gregory know? Why didn't you just ask me how much I would like to communicate with you? Gregory this. Just is the biggest cop out of all time.

1:07:41 Literally, it's like, oh, well, Gregory said, does Gregory have kids? She told me, seeing how Gregory treated their kids made her realize she'd neglected me. Not a good sign. Not a good sign to realize in your husband or in you, I suppose.

1:07:59 Well, I think maybe it might not be like, gregory's neglecting the kids i think she's seeing i think she's seeing gregory not neglecting the kids and being like oh shoot oh shoot she was 19 true so you know ouch.

1:08:15 She'd been going to therapy and wanted us to mend things i pointed out that listening to gregory about me back then was the dumbest possible thing she could do since he never liked me i knew i'd start crying so i started ranting about how i'd rather not meet my half-siblings since I know I resent them and they don't deserve that. How my extended family also cast me out and how everyone blamed therapy not working on me.

1:08:40 My mom was shocked and even more shocked when grandma took my side and everything. I told her I was really sorry that I made her cry and that it didn't make me feel better. She forgave me for that, but told me it wasn't my fault and that she deserved it. My mom asked if I'd ever come home and I said that Gregory would either need to apologize or no longer be alive. That was a bit harsh, since I don't actually want that. So I said if he leaves forever, that's good too.

1:09:09 Yeah, just a simple leaving permanently.

1:09:11 Yeah, she's like, I don't know. It's a little harsh to say, oh, I wish you were unalived. But, you know, he could also just never come back.

1:09:20 Yeah, he could just disappear.

1:09:23 My mom said she understood, started crying, apologized like a hundred times, and asked if she could text or phone me more often. I said, sure, because it still makes me feel awful to see my mom cry. Since then, mom has texted me and called me every day. but hasn't tried to force things. I did not go to the party since Gregory has not apologized. Grandma's been staying with them and things aren't too good between them. They had big fights over him refusing to say sorry and over how they treated me, and now they aren't talking.

1:09:55 I don't want my mom's marriage to end for the sake of her other kids, but I can't lie, it feels good to not be ignored. Apparently mom wants to meet on Christmas or Christmas Eve as long as grandma comes a letter. But I don't know if we'll ever be close again. So thank you guys. Your advice really did help. And I'm feeling better mentally. And we do have a second update.

1:10:15 Hooray!

1:10:16 I think this is going in a good direction. We're getting all of these things off our chest.

1:10:22 Yeah. You got to talk it out.

1:10:25 Talk it out. Talk it out. We just found there was so much miscommunication happening. Update two. So I did meet with my mom and grandma came to us per instructions for lunch. We didn't talk about Gregory or anything. It was just a short meeting over coffee. We just talked about school, the engineering program I'm in, guys I've dated, and other stuff. I guess it was nice to talk about myself, even if it was awkward.

1:10:51 When things bother you with people in your life you care about, you should talk about it. That's it.

1:10:55 Yes, because maybe there's just this two-year-long misunderstanding that we just need to get out into the open and resolve it. OP continues, she did ask me to spend more time with Grandma, and that made Grandma smirk, which means Grandma kept her promise about never revealing that we hang out. I paid for Mom as a gift, and she gave me an old baby photo of me that she got redeveloped as a gift. I thought that was nice. I let her hug me goodbye, and she didn't cry this time, so I don't feel like crap. It still feels weird, and I know it will for a long time, maybe forever.

1:11:31 It's hard letting go of hurt, but it is what it is. Hope you guys have a good Christmas. And that's the end of the story.

1:11:39 It is what it is is Buddha level.

1:11:41 It is what it is. It is what it is.

1:11:45 You know, and that doesn't mean we can't influence our, you know, reality in our existence. But yeah, sometimes it is what it is. Feels real good.

1:11:57 But that's the end of that story. And we've got another one coming right up.

1:12:02 Hey, it's Angie, your favorite fake redhead host here.

1:12:06 And we're going to get back to the stories. But here's a three minute ad break from our sponsors.

1:12:12 My daughter went behind my back to a sleepover after I told her to wait a few weeks.

1:12:17 You're going to stay awake forever.

1:12:20 My daughter, Alexis, not real name, is 15. She's been dancing recreationally since she was three years old and has been doing it competitively since she was nine. She has nationals coming up, which is basically a very big and important dance competition where studios from surrounding states come to this big convention center in the city and compete. She is also obsessed with Paramore, thanks to my husband, who has taken her to many of their live shows.

1:12:45 Cool.

1:12:46 She idolizes Hayley Williams and has wanted to dye her hair like Hayley's for a few years now. This year for her birthday, she wants to dye her whole head neon orange. I told her absolutely not because she's not allowed to have any unnatural hair colors for nationals and the other conventions and competitions that are coming up. She is very well aware of this rule because it is the standard in the competitive dance world. I've already paid all the entry fees and cannot get a refund for this year. I told her once nationals and all the mandatory conventions are over, she can color her hair however she wants. She did not like this answer and stomped off to her room. I figured I would just let her be and eventually she would come around. I was wrong.

1:13:28 By the way, this comes from User ThenImagination683. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime server at it. I'm Dakota.

1:13:37 I'm Sophia.

1:13:38 We're going to read this story about dance.

1:13:41 Dance.

1:13:43 Which you can do if you want to. And just know we don't know all the answers. So let us know what you know in the comments.

1:13:50 But you have to leave your friends behind.

1:13:52 It's true. OP says... She went to a sleepover at her friend's house about a week ago and came back with the same bright orange hair I told her she could not have.

1:14:02 TBH, I'm asking the mom. I'm like, hey, hey, my kid came home with orange hair. What happened?

1:14:09 Yeah, what is that?

1:14:11 Yeah, what's happening? Hey, parents, did you... What happened?

1:14:16 Honestly, you fumbled immediately by not just being like, we'll get you a wig. Yeah.

1:14:21 I also think that she maybe is... no longer wanting to do dance competitions.

1:14:27 Could be.

1:14:28 And this is the easiest way to get out of that.

1:14:30 It's true. Could be. I was cooking when she walked into the house and nearly dropped the knife I was using.

1:14:36 Oh, don't do that. Knife safety.

1:14:39 I was extremely upset and asked her what she was thinking. She gave me some excuse, which I can't remember, then rolled her eyes and said something along the lines of, it's just hair dye. It'll come out before nationals.

1:14:49 It's not typically how hair dye works.

1:14:53 I guess it depends, right? There's temporary stuff.

1:14:55 Well, yeah, if she put temporary stuff in it. But that's usually, I feel like they would have said, she would have been like, oh, it's just temporary.

1:15:02 Yeah.

1:15:03 I wash it out.

1:15:05 I was livid, and I shouted at her, which I'll admit I'm not proud of, and she ran off to her room in tears. She knows better, and I'm completely dumbfounded as to why she thought it would be okay considering Nationals is in two weeks. She's washed her hair at least six times the last few days. And the orange is still stuck.

1:15:22 What did she think was going to happen?

1:15:26 She just didn't know hair dye is permanent, I guess.

1:15:28 Yeah, she's like, what?

1:15:30 What? She's like, I thought Haley did this every day.

1:15:32 I thought it was, yeah, I thought it was like we refresh every week and it all comes out every time you wash your hair. Uh-oh.

1:15:41 I bought color remover and let it sit on her hair for a good two hours and nothing happened. Now I'm going to have to take her to the salon and spend $ 300 or more to get the color removed when I'm already over 400 deep in the hole after the fees for the competition. My daughter is currently grounded, still upset with me, and hasn't spoken more than a few words to me in days. She cried to my husband after I shouted at her, and now he thinks I'm being unreasonable and called me Momzilla. Am I being crazy about this? She knew the rules, and I even told her she could do the hair dye after we get this over with. If the color doesn't come out, she literally won't be able to compete and I'll have wasted over $ 400. As a disclaimer, I have nothing against

1:16:22 people who color their hair or people who choose to color their hair. My hair was bright green as a teenager. There's an edit. I think, yeah, they're all missing the big, like, question of does she... Want to? I don't think she wants to. It definitely sounds like you don't want to do it. Yeah. And if we can tell through your Reddit post that you don't care and you're like, let's get this over with. Maybe that's a rubbed off on your daughter a little bit.

1:16:51 It could, but also it seems like it's pretty intensive. I mean, they do tend to be pretty intensive. So also just like the daughter might just not enjoy it anymore. She might just have preferred it when it was recreational.

1:17:03 Especially if she's got you being like, How could you do this? I can't believe you did this. Don't you know you have to do nationals? Don't you know you have to do that? And I've spent so much money on you. It's like, yeah. Hey, do you like dancing competitively? Let's let's start there.

1:17:19 I honestly would maybe consider telling her, hey, we're not going to go to national. We're not going to do that because then you don't have to waste the money on the hair dye. She gets to keep her orange hair.

1:17:33 And then you're only wasting money on nationals.

1:17:35 Yeah.

1:17:37 But also that that gets into a different conversation of letting down people you've made a commitment to. Sure. You know. Sure.

1:17:44 That's also true.

1:17:46 There's an edit. Looking at some of these comments, I just want to clarify when I asked Alexis if she wanted to compete, she was very enthusiastic and told me yes.

1:17:54 OK.

1:17:54 She has done nationals every year for a few years now and has loved it every time. I'm very clear with her that since it is optional, she has the choice whether or not she wants to still participate, and I'm not forcing her in any way to do it. There's an update. Hello! Thank you for the insight. I was really thinking about it last night and realized that shouting at her and grounding her was not an adult way to handle things. I apologized to her when we sat down for breakfast this morning and we had a heart-to-heart conversation in which we discussed the options she currently has.

1:18:26 I calmly explained to her why what she did upset me and why I reacted the way that I did.

1:18:31 Nice. I like that. Taking accountability.

1:18:33 She apologized to me for going behind my back after I put a boundary in place. For those saying it's not a big deal and it's just hair, you're right. It is just hair. It's not the orange hair that upsets me. It's the fact that she did it after I told her to wait because of the money I spent.

1:18:40 Knew it.

1:18:40 Knew it.

1:18:40 Hmm.

1:18:40 Knew it. Called it. Part of the reason why she did the orange hair was because she thought she could get out of this one thing.

1:19:14 Yeah, I figured.

1:19:16 I figured.

1:19:16 She was like, oh, how do I get out of doing my comp? Well, they can't let me do it if I change my hair.

1:19:23 Exactly. There's still a lot of ground to cover and other things that need to be figured out, but I've told her she does not have to compete anymore if she does not want to and can just take her regular classes. She's still going to do nationals, but everything after that is up to her. Alexis is ungrounded, but not out of trouble. She and I are going to brainstorm a different, more fitting way for her to learn from this. She's going to pay for a wig with money she earned from babysitting her cousins. I texted her dance instructor to let her know what we're doing, so approval for her wearing the wig to the competition is to be determined until it arrives. If not, she will be responsible for finding another way to cover up the orange.

1:20:01 I feel like that was all very good, and we got to the root of it. And now we have a conversation of, hey, just come to me next time and tell me before you make these big decisions so we can work through them together.

1:20:14 Yeah. Thumbs up.

1:20:17 Now she can go be in Paramore instead of dance competitions.

1:20:21 She can be Hayley Williams.

1:20:23 And ain't that fun?

1:20:25 For those who suggested box dye, putting box dye on my daughter's hair will be the absolute last resort. I understand she needs a fitting punishment and having to live with a muddy hair color from putting it over the orange will probably fit the crime, but I do not want her to be miserable for an unnecessarily extended period of time after the dance thing is over. Alexis doesn't want to put box dye in her hair either, but she said that if she has no other choice, then she's okay with it. I told her that if we end up having to put box color over it, she's going to have to live with it until it grows long enough to cut off Or she'll have to pay for her own color correcting service. And that is the

1:20:59 end of that story.

1:21:00 Well, there you go. Well, hopefully we don't have to do the box dive, I think.

1:21:04 Yeah, hopefully not. I don't know. Such a dumb rule.

1:21:08 What?

1:21:09 You can't have your hair dyed if you're going to be in competitive dance. Hey, shut up.

1:21:14 Dance is unfortunately very strict about everything. Hmm. And it has been for thousands of years. Maybe just hundreds. I don't know how it was thousands of years ago.

1:21:27 I don't know. I'd probably even scale that back to decades.

1:21:31 You don't think... No, it was definitely... Russia has been doing very... It's a very old. Art form. At least within the 100 to 200.

1:21:41 Were they really that stingy? Yeah.

1:21:43 Russia was like super, super. I don't know when. Maybe in the past 100 years or something like that. But yeah, it's been pretty brutal.

1:21:55 Well, I'm going to pirouette off of that. Wee! And let you know that that's the end of that story and the end of this episode.