My DNA test EXPOSED a family secret… so I confronted my mother! -r/relationships | Reddit Stories | EP3083

0:00 Hey, this is Riley. And this is Dakota, your favorite OK Storytime host. And we've got some great stories coming up. But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep the show alive.

0:11 My DNA test exposed a family secret, so I confronted my mother. How could you? I, 21 female, am from a family of five, mom and dad and two older brothers. Me and one of my older brothers are mixed black and white. While my oldest brother is white and their biological child. Interestingly, my mother is the mother of all three of us biologically. Obviously, I noticed from a young age, and I was told that my dad, who is white.

0:40 Adopted us. And you never, like, put it together? You never fact-checked that? That your oldest brother, who is their biological child, and then you guys... Are all related to your mom. You never put it together what that would mean.

0:55 I mean, recessive genes exist.

0:57 Yeah, so recessive that he's not your dad.

1:00 When I was 11, I had the nerve to ask more because the whole thing did not make sense to me. And my parents explained that my dad was infertile after an accident and they opted to get a donation.

1:12 Okay, okay. That's actually a pretty reasonable answer. I don't think it's the true one, but I think it's reasonable. Sounds pretty good.

1:19 This is probably 100% true, as I can still see the scar on my dad's stomach and he walks with a limp.

1:27 When I got older, I asked, why are me and my brother black?

1:31 They told me that it was actually a mix-up at the doctor's office and they didn't want to make a big deal about it because they didn't want my brother or I to feel less loved because of our skin color. They just reused the other embryos when they had me two years later. When I was younger, the story made sense.

1:49 But now that I am older, I am so skeptical. I should start out by saying that my mom and dad are amazing to me. They treat us no different than my oldest brother. And my dad is even eager to help me discover my African culture when I got really into it in high school.

2:06 Both of my brothers are great, too.

2:08 By the way, this comes from Throwaway Black Eris. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit.

2:15 I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.

2:17 I'm Dakota.

2:18 And we're here.

2:19 To give you some good advice in a little goofy way, but we don't have all the answers.

2:24 We'd only tell you what we would do, but let us know what you would do down in the comments.

2:28 However, I am a biology student in college now, and I decided to get one of those 23andMe tests for me and my brother out of curiosity.

2:37 Never do that, because then people have your genetic information and it can be sold to the government or whoever.

2:44 Don't do that. I'm just putting it out there.

2:46 Don't do that.

2:47 They got everything.

2:48 I got one for my brother because I was curious about the information from the Y chromosome. I asked him to keep this a secret from my parents because while they answered my initial questions, they always pushed back when I inquired further. The results of this test were surprising, to say the least. Sure enough, we had the same mother and all of the same maternal family members, but we were biologically just half-siblings. Which means we have different biological fathers. When I told my brothers this information, he was angry at me and told me to just leave this alone. He thinks what I am doing could destroy the family and wants no part of it.

3:27 I mean, it could.

3:28 Well, I had five half-siblings, which I initially thought was evidence of a baby juice donation. It would make sense. But after getting.

3:38 Contact with one of my half-siblings, I find out that she still lived with my presumptive bio-dad. Luckily, the guy was not married or anything, and he agreed to talk to me, and what he said sort.

3:49 Of shocked me. What? Uh-oh. Oh, no. He said he had never been to a baby juice bank, but he had a lot.

4:00 Of girlfriends, and it's possible one of them got pregnant. To be honest, I ghosted him shortly after the call because he seemed like a complete a-hole, but it's very likely he is my biological father.

4:12 Oh, boy.

4:14 Oh, boy.

4:15 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Hachimama. It sounds like Mama cheated, CZ. It does sound like that. I mean, either cheated or could have been accidental. Some other things could have happened. I think I think there's a world where parents were having a difficult time and like split and the kids don't know. And she, you know, had two different boyfriends in this period of time. That's like best case scenario.

4:47 Now, the working theory that I have right now is that my mom cheated on my dad with different guys after his accident and they somehow got back together. They must have come up with the lie to try to smooth things over as much as possible without making my mom look bad because I would honestly be very mad at her if she actually did cheat on him. I asked my oldest brother if he remembers anything, but he was only four years old when I was born and he never remembers arguing or fights. The only thing that does not make sense to me is why my dad has no resentment towards me or my brother.

5:21 Because he's a good man. Sounds like a good guy. Yeah. Just all around good guy over here.

5:26 Dad has no family because he was a foster kid. And most of my mom's family does not talk to us besides my aunt. I feel like if I keep pushing this, then I might cause a lot of unnecessary emotions to come up. But I am also curious and feel like I should know. Do you guys think I should push this issue or leave it be? We have such a great family dynamic and I am thankful for my upbringing and don't want to ruin it.

5:51 There's an update. Talk to your parents. I think talk to your parents. That would be my advice. Don't talk to brother anymore. Don't involve any of the siblings. Talk to maybe you could talk to mom one on one. Maybe that's the step. Say, hey, I got this information. I am thinking a lot of thoughts here, but I wanted to talk to you first.

6:11 Yeah. I mean, it's not, you're more curious. You're not going to like, it shouldn't ruin the dynamic. It shouldn't cause any issues. You just want to know where you came from. And that's not, that's not a bad thing. If I was adopted, I would want to know. Cause I'd be like, Oh, like what if I, you know, have a connection with this? I feel more at home. Like, you know, I was technically, so I was a twin and then my, Twin never like, you know, developed whatever.

6:43 And my mom always said, she was like, do you ever feel like you like are missing something?

6:47 Like, cause some people do. And I'm like, nope, never. I fill the room for all of us. Don't you worry. Yeah. I was like, I don't know.

6:54 I've never, I never felt that, but I know like some people do, but anyway, there's an update here. So I, 21 female, talked with my mom really late last night and got all the information I needed.

7:06 Heck yeah.

7:07 I know it is really prying, but I learned so much, lol. So turns out IVF is like super expensive and they did not have a lot of money when we were younger.

7:17 Oh, they wanted to grow their family. This is going, I think, in an interesting direction that I hadn't considered.

7:25 The whole reason for the baby juice donation clinic lie was for my mom's parents who have since passed and she does not feel the need to hide it from me anymore. My dad is apparently bi, which is a huge surprise to me because he gives no outward appearance of being bi.

7:43 I don't think anyone really does that unless they wear a shirt that says, check out me, I'm a bi person.

7:50 Yeah, you can't usually tell based on looking.

7:53 Mom and dad met other men to conceive us, and they just really liked black guys.

7:59 Mom also loved the idea of having mixed kids, so it just sort of intentionally got pregnant this way.

8:06 I'm low-key kind of happy that it was not cheating, so I am glad that I asked, but kind of also surprised that they intentionally wanted black kids, and that mom and dad both did that, lol. Mom told me not to talk about it, as it would be potentially embarrassing for brothers and dad, so I will leave it at that. I am happy for the family I have, and although the whole conception story is super weird, I don't think that affects us now anyways.

8:31 Parents are not vanilla after all.

8:34 Also, I feel kind of bad for arguing with my dad about how he doesn't understand the problems I had because he was a white man.

8:41 But I think he gets it after learning all this.

8:43 You know what my brother says when, like, you pull the same Uno card and you put it down on the other one?

8:49 He goes, Matches! In that voice.

8:53 Matches!

8:54 Oh, the story. I mean, you know the truth now is So I guess take it with a grain of salt. Seems like you're chill with it, so. Yeah, and they just wanted to do it in a cheaper way.

9:07 I guess you could say they wanted to do it the old-fashioned way.

9:10 Yep.

9:12 Having a three-way with your bi husband and a black man.

9:15 Yeah, multiple.

9:17 Two of them.

9:18 Who knows how many?

9:19 Probably more than that. Well, there's an edit here.

9:22 Sorry if I did not make it clear. Mom told me not to talk about it because it would make my brothers uncomfortable and may embarrass my dad because he is not really out as bi and just doesn't want to be. He goes hunting, works out hard, and does other typical manly activities, so I think he's got some issue with people knowing. Brothers are similar to dad, although brothers are not anti-queer. I doubt they want to know the details because they are not really enlightened on this stuff as much. He was nearby when my mom and dad were discussing this and made sure to come in and let me know he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to change and stuff. Mom did all the talking otherwise. I really think my dad heard everything and

10:05 he would have interjected if my mom was lying.

10:08 All's well that ends well.

10:09 Yeah.

10:10 I mean. Sure.

10:12 Maybe the guy who didn't realize he had a kid, maybe that night was just a crazy night. Maybe he had been drinking a little bit. Maybe he just didn't remember.

10:21 He's like, did that happen? I don't know.

10:27 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

10:31 My wife's sister said I should be kept on a leash, so I cut them off. Cut them with scissors, baby. So, small intro. My wife, Lee, is 28. I am 26. And my wife's younger twin sister just hit 22. My wife is a bit of a black sheep in her immediate family, and her younger sisters, Mac and Gail, receive a lot of fiscal support from their parents, with the younger twin, Gail, receiving the most. Lee and I celebrated being together for 10 years as of March 21st of this year. We weren't planning on doing anything for it at first, minus a small date due to our budget, but my wife's great aunt happened to give a nice bit of cash to all of her grandnieces, nephews, and their partners at the family Christmas. Well, nice. My portion

11:20 immediately went to tackling my personal debt, and Leigh wanted to use her money to take us on a little road trip to Manitou Springs, Colorado, around our anniversary date or at the end of March to early April. I was hesitant, but decided to let her plan because she's got a knack for planning trips, and I trust her judgment. Also, we haven't gone anywhere in over a year, and Colorado is in our list for nature exploration. By the way, this comes from my poison, the milk tea. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time. I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.

11:50 Why would you do that to the milk tea? I'm Dakota.

11:52 And we're here to give good advice goofily about milk tea and other things. So if you have any thoughts yourself, put them in the comments below because we don't know everything. Anyway, OP says. Prior to this, the twins were planning a trip to Colorado Springs.

12:06 Colorado.

12:08 Thank you for telling us where the Colorado Springs was. for their 22nd birthday, flying out and back around the end of January to early February. They had their trip booked and finalized before Christmas, and at first wanted their mom and my wife to join in. Their mom declined almost immediately to save PTO for her and their dad's 30th anniversary end of October, and my wife officially backed out a couple of weeks before Christmas due to funds, a lack of planning, and communication from the twins, and a general difference in itineraries between them. They wanted a spa trip and to explore the city life while my wife wanted to explore the outdoors and see places like the Garden of the Gods. A couple weeks after my

12:51 wife started planning, she goes to hang out with her sisters one night and asks Mac for any ideas for outdoorsy activities that she thinks Lee and I would enjoy. Mac says she doesn't really know, but is happy we get to do something for ourselves. They finish their hangout and go home without anything happening. Two days later, my wife joins a Discord call with her younger sisters and they want her to apologize for planning their birthday trip minus them. Gail does all the talking while Mac is work from home and was listening in during her shift.

13:23 Lee apologizes for making things feel that way, but defends her reasons for not going with them on their trip and assures them that there's no malice behind our trip plans. Gail states that we have the right to do so, but also insists that it's offensive to their celebration. And this can only be seen as a personal attack. Well, it can't only be seen. There's other ways that it could be seen. It could be a non-personal attack. Could it be impersonal?

13:50 There you go.

13:51 She states that my wife's paycheck timings weren't a good enough reason when it came to funding. that we were practically going to the same location and claims that she was trying to find things for Lee before she backed out. Lee didn't hear about any of those, except for a tea room where she'd be paying extra for a dietary accommodation.

14:11 My wife hangs up after a long silence between them as nothing was being resolved. Lee relays all of this to me after she says she no longer wants to go on a trip at all. And I message Gail a few hours later to ask what happened and what hurt her feelings. Also, my wife can be sensitive to a lot of negativity and rejection, and I wanted to see if I could diffuse things since Gail and I can both be headstrong when we feel a lot. I thought I could reason with her a bit because I thought we'd be bonded enough over the years for this to be the case. Gail says she doesn't understand why I'm getting involved when Lee could have talked to her and Mac directly. I tell her that I thought that was what their prior call was about, and that I

14:52 care about my wife's feelings, especially when they're hurt. Also, that if the twins are upset about our anniversary trip, then having an issue with it affects me as well as the other attendee. Why are they upset about your anniversary trip? Because they come first. This is so ridiculous. Their 22nd birthdays are more important than your anniversary. Pish posh.

15:13 This is annoying. This is annoying.

15:16 Yeah.

15:16 I feel like they're stupid. There is a bit of emotional escalation from her as we keep messaging. She's upset and I understand that. And I try to keep my cool and stay rooted in reality as much as I can. I remind her that our budgets are very different. Mac and Gail have access to a parent's credit card without a limit.

15:36 Crazy!

15:38 At 22?

15:39 So they can fund that hardware store.

15:41 Oh my, oh.

15:43 If I had my parents' credit card at 22, oh, we would be in so much debt. I don't think I would have been in that much. I wouldn't have been in debt. I would have been very responsible because my mom would be.

15:54 Like, only use it for emergencies. And I'd be like, okay.

15:57 I want to buy a nice little drink and it's $ 40, please.

16:01 She'd be like, no.

16:03 And I'd be like, oh, okay. That's just you today. That's all. Yeah. This happened yesterday. Well, my wife and I are almost paycheck to paycheck. And Mac had already mentioned before this that Gail would be paying her back for her portion of the trip over time. I add that they don't want the same things out of a trip.

16:23 That both parties are going at least a month apart. And that the expectation of their older sister owing them attendance when she did receive some extra money doesn't seem fair. I tell Gail that being disappointed about plans changing or not spending time with family is valid. But assigning that blame to her older sister and expecting her to fix it by whatever means necessary is not. She says, I did nothing except dismiss her feelings and that I think she's nothing more than a spoiled brat. And if I don't understand now, she fears I never will. I agree with her on not understanding, but also reminded her that I didn't call her a brat. Because her feelings are coming from somewhere vulnerable and real. But her method of

17:07 resolving it by offloading her frustration onto someone else is not okay. And that sometimes when folks see something wrong going on, they'll speak up about it. Two days later, Mac messages Lee that she's disappointed in her big sister for allowing me to speak to Gail that way. She says that my wife should have kept me on a tighter leash when speaking to my sister-in-law. And that I crossed a boundary that they cannot come back from. Why is it always the end of the world for them?

17:35 You know, they're like, oh, it could only have been a personal attack. You can't come back from him talking to us like that or from them talking to us like that.

17:43 I would have to chalk it up to they have access to their parents' credit cards with no limit.

17:49 Yes, entitlement. That's why they're acting like this. Light bulb moment.

17:55 They're dumb.

17:56 She claims that their partners would never speak to their sister-in-laws that way. When they have, and we've been present to mediate. That I made Gail feel crazy for how she reacted. And that my wife dismissed their feelings about her planning this trip instead of going with them. She also says she regrets lying to Lee when she asked how she really felt. My wife read it and doesn't reply.

18:19 They're just drama, these two. So much drama. I don't know.

18:23 I would suggest going low contact because like, why do you even need that in your life? Like they're just causing you stress for and for what? Because you don't do what they want.

18:31 Yeah. It's so like the line where they said you dismissed your feelings about planning instead of going with them. She's like, well, I would have been happy if you went with us. So that actually was the only solution was if you went with us.

18:44 Cool.

18:46 I guess I'm just always in the wrong if I don't do what you want. That's a fun relationship to be in. Woohoo! I love it. I spent the evening that message came through removing the twins and their partners from the subscriptions we've covered for them for a few years now. Because something about that message just felt so gross is the word that feels best. I also just don't think it makes sense for me to pay for stuff for someone who thinks of me like something to be kept on a leash. Dogs don't pay bills, am I right? Unless you're Mr. Peabody. He pays bills. He's a dog. Truthfully, I have no idea if or how it impacted them at all, since we haven't spoken since then.

19:26 They've gone on their trip and back, and we actually couldn't go on ours at all because of my wife's health and my car passing away. So those funds got used for those immediate needs instead. We've since found small ways to celebrate and live our lives away from the twins. as they truly think that I'm the a-hole. So after all this mess should I have just kept my mouth shut should.

19:49 I be leashed am I the a-hole no you shouldn't be leashed what kind of question is that ridiculous.

19:55 I mean I think you were doing it to protect your wife it seems like she may have trouble standing up for herself with her sisters um I think I honestly I think it's just up to your wife you know talk to her See where she's, you know, landing on this issue, what she wants you to do in the future, and come up with a solution together. Yeah, agreed.

20:19 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

20:23 My mother-in-law canceled my wedding venue a few days before the wedding.

20:27 Hey, we were using that.

20:29 My now-husband, Chris, asked me to be his wife in June of 2024 before we planned our family vacation of June 2025. We decided to elope in February 2025 due to the legalities.

20:43 Of having to have a certain kind of driver's license for flying.

20:47 We made the decision to have an actual wedding in September of 2025. Monster-in-law Kathy asked if I would need her help with planning the wedding. I genuinely thought she had good intentions by asking. I appreciated her opinion on certain things, and prior to this, we had a good relationship. So I took the help as I had no idea where to start with wedding planning. I also want to note that originally we wanted to have the wedding at their home due to it being close to home. Kathy stated that she did not want random people going in and out of her house and that she did not.

21:19 Want porta potties on her property. So we decided to look at venues.

21:23 By the way, This comes from ImpossibleBad2525, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.

21:31 I'm Savannah. I'm Sophia.

21:33 We're here to get some good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We'd only tell you what we would do, but let us know what you would do down in the comments. As Opie says, we found a venue of our liking, and surprisingly, she offered to pay for it, which, by the way, was $ 500.

21:47 Not bad. For a venue?

21:50 I had no problem paying for the venue, but I was appreciative. of it and we took her up on her offer. The only thing that I had to pay for was the booze due to us having an open bar. Kathy and I agreed to this and signed on the dotted line. During the springtime before the wedding, yard sales were a thing and she bought multiple different sunflower items for the wedding. Our flowers were simply just sunflowers due to them being my favorite flower.

22:17 I love yard sales.

22:21 Needless to say i was very thankful for the help vacation yay nope then vacation time came our family vacation my family as well as my in-laws to the fullest extent was absolutely ruined by her it was horrifying when we got back from our vacation i had about two and a half months till the wedding when my now husband chris made our engagement he was very thoughtful As my fiancé at the time, he bought me a ring within his budget. My monster-in-law found out at that time that my now-husband got my engagement ring from our Walmart.

22:57 I don't care where he got the ring from, and to me, it's the thought that matters. My monster-in-law made the remark that she would never have married my now-father-in-law had he bought her a Walmart ring. My flabbers were gasted by the arrogance of her remark. And I did tell her I did not appreciate the comment. As a girl who literally wears scrubs full time, I knew what I wanted as a bride. I'm a girl who can buy on a budget. I found my wedding dress on Facebook Marketplace for $ 60 and had a corset put into the dress for $ 20.

23:32 That's pretty good. Look at you. I kind of want to see that wedding dress. You going to hook me up?

23:38 I got scolded by my monster in law for not going to an actual bridal shop.

23:43 Dress shopping just brought me way too much anxiety.

23:46 Agreed. Many brides can't find a dress well under $ 1, 000, so I was super proud of myself. I invited Monster-in-Law to multiple dress fittings just for her to bail. However, my mom made it a point not to miss any of them. Now let's fast forward to literally 17 days prior to our wedding. Kathy asked how many RSVPs had been answered. It was a legitimate question. I, Christy... Work in healthcare, so I'm constantly working. I had taken two days off prior to the wedding so I could catch up on wedding stuff. My monster-in-law, Kathy, stated that she did not see the point in having the wedding venue for only 20 people. By the way, most of the guests have full-time jobs, and I wasn't really worried about

24:29 it due to everyone being in a wedding chat that Kathy was not part of. There were guests that would be bringing their children, and I also had an individual who was physically in a wheelchair, so handicap-accessible restrooms were a must. Kathy decided to take the venue away from us by canceling it and then went on vacation. So we frantically were trying to figure out where we were going to have our wedding.

24:52 Who is this evil lady? She said, actually, I don't see the point of your wedding. No more wedding.

24:58 Vacation.

24:59 No more wedding. I'm going to Cabo. That's actually crazy. That's evil. What? And then like, I mean, she must have said, okay, I canceled it and then left.

25:07 Yeah.

25:08 She's like, okay, I canceled it. I'm at the airport.

25:11 We then decided to have it at her house and she offered. The food for our wedding was masticcioli and bread. I also asked master-in-law to make her famous salad due to it being my husband and mine's favorite. Kathy then made the decision that she would be ordering fried chicken for our dinner. Oh. I, as the bride, do not eat fried chicken, and my husband and I did not want fried chicken at our wedding at all.

25:37 I literally am going crazy. I'm sorry. So she canceled your wedding venue, and then you're like, okay, we're having mascarpone and bread, and then she's like, actually, no, you're having fried chicken. That's like complete opposite.

25:49 Actually, no.

25:49 We're going to do fried chicken. Americanize this.

25:52 What's going on?

25:53 We did inform my monster-in-law that it was not necessary to order food due to the fact I would be making mostacholi from scratch the morning of the wedding.

26:02 Girl, you're going to make it the morning of your wedding? That's crazy. I also think you need to say, like, you need to use different language when you're dealing with your monster law. It's not, oh, we don't think it's necessary for you to buy food. Don't buy food. Do not buy food. We will not eat it. We will throw it out. You will be wasting your money.

26:23 I had a health scare literally a week prior to our wedding. I broke out in hives, mainly on my face and going down my neck. I had to make a doctor's appointment due to this. I was told it was a reaction due to the stress.

26:36 Oh, that's me. My body reacts to stress. And then I don't even know it. And then I'm like, what's happening?

26:42 What's happening?

26:43 And I'm like, and then they're like, oh, actually, you were just like so anxiety ridden right now. And I'm like, oh, it's been that all the time. It's been that the whole time.

26:53 My wedding photographer's grandpa passed away the day before my wedding.

26:57 So I had no photographer. Unprofessional. I'm so sorry for your loss.

27:04 So I made sure my little sister took photos. We ended up doing our music from a karaoke speaker. Prior to the wedding, Kathy asked what kind of dress I would like her to wear. I simply said something nice but comfortable. My mom wanted a mother of the bride dress and I got to choose the color. Monster-in-law did not ask and wore black to her wedding. The day before the wedding, I had to pay for tables and chairs.

27:28 Mind you, in total it was $ 400, which by the way was included in the original venue. Fast forward to the day of the wedding. I, Christy, was cooking food, curling hair, and doing makeup. Thankfully, my sister-in-law came by to help for a short bit. Yes, I know it was a lot, but I could handle it. It's time to walk down the aisle, and monster-in-law is walking literally in front of me, telling me to smile like I'm happy to be getting married while recording me. Mind you, monster-in-law's yard was very uneven, so I was trying to be able to make it to my husband. Um, yeah, this, uh, Kathy seems like a witch. She seems like a real joy. Yeah, and I really still want to know what she did on vacation. That was so horrible. That, like, ruined everything.

28:11 They couldn't even talk about it. It was so horrible. Yeah! Like, come on! You can't say, oh, she was so horrible. You can't even tell us a little bit? A little something something? Just to tide us over for the end of the story? I don't know. I think you got to be more firm with her. And also your husband needs to say something because it's his mom.

28:28 Yeah.

28:28 Get him on the ground floor.

28:30 Yeah, that's true.

28:30 Yeah.

28:30 Why is he not standing up for you? Yeah, that's my advice. She's in mourning. She is in mourning. Once the whole wedding and photos were done, I smelled it.

28:40 Oh, no.

28:41 Fried chicken. Oh, no.

28:46 Oh, no.

28:48 I was livid and my whole family could see this. I had a few drinks and refused to allow anything more to ruin this day. I was livid, and then I got told that it was my duty as the bride to clean up after myself. I calmly and firmly informed my monster-in-law that had we had the original venue, it would look as if we weren't even there. Since the dumpster fire of a wedding, Kathy and I do not associate ourselves with each other. I have a cordial relationship with my father-in-law, june 2026 we are off to our honeymoon oh.

29:25 Yeah i think you just kind of stay away from her stay away because she's a nightmare and she's just gonna make you do things her way no matter what you say she's Ugh. How annoying. My wife and Camponator, what is wrong with fried chicken is... She just doesn't want it.

29:41 Yeah.

29:41 She told my aunt-in-law she didn't want it. They wanted mostacholi and bread. Mostacholi and bread at their wedding. And the mom is like, oh, um, you should do fried chicken.

29:52 And they were like, no. She's like, um, what is this, a picnic?

29:55 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

29:59 Hey, this is Riley, your favorite Southern belle. We're going to get back to these stories, but here's three minutes worth of ads from our sponsors.

30:06 My mother hijacked my aunt's birthday, so I called her out. Hey, it's aunt's, not yours. Yesterday, my mom, 62 female, invited me, 25 female, to a Thai restaurant for my aunt's 73rd birthday. It was my aunt's actual birthday. When I arrived, there were about eight other family members there, but my aunt...

30:26 The birthday girl was nowhere to be found. We called her and found out she was sitting at a completely different Thai restaurant. She came right over when she realized everyone was waiting at the other place. When she walked in, she looked disappointed and sad, which honestly made me feel bad. Later that day at my son's t-ball game, I was talking with my husband and I was joking that someone was bound to end up at the wrong Thai restaurant because the names were similar. That's when my mom said, well, my sister and I were discussing where to go for her birthday, but she wanted to go to the other Thai restaurant because it's her favorite. I didn't want to go there because they switched owners, and I don't think

31:03 the food is good there anymore. Sabotage. By the way, this comes from Emotional Size 3070, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Sophia. And I'm Savannah. And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we do. So let us know what you would do.

31:22 In the comments.

31:23 And Opie says, I was shocked and said, mom, if aunt wanted to go to that restaurant and was sitting there waiting for all of us to show up, then that's on you for telling everyone to go somewhere else just because you don't like it. I told her that my aunt looked disappointed and sad when she arrived because she didn't get to celebrate her birthday at her favorite restaurant.

31:44 My mom responded, I don't care. If I'm paying for a meal, I want to enjoy it. supposedly you're paying for someone else's birthday. So usually you're supposed to do what they want because it's their birthday.

31:56 Those are the rules.

31:57 That'd be crazy if someone was like, Sophia, I want to take you out for your birthday. And then we went to a steakhouse and they're like, well, I like steak. Well, I don't eat meat. I'm not giving my money to a restaurant I don't like. I invited you and your cousin. And if you invite someone to dinner, you have to pay for that. She also told me that I didn't really have a right to say anything because she paid for my meal since she invited me. And while I am genuinely grateful that she paid for my dinner, I don't think that means I have to ignore the fact that my aunt didn't get to spend her birthday at the restaurant she had chosen and was actually sitting at waiting for everyone. But here's the thing. She didn't even

32:35 pay for my aunt's meal. The one person you're supposed to pay for. It's the birthday. You got no standing here. despite it being her birthday and despite being the one who organized the dinner. So her argument that she should get to choose because she was paying didn't really make sense to me. She continued defending herself and genuinely believed she did nothing wrong. Eventually, I said, I don't want to talk about this anymore because it was making me frustrated.

33:03 My husband heard the entire conversation and agreed with me that the birthday person should have gotten to choose the restaurant. especially since my mom knew beforehand which restaurant my aunt wanted. We've got a little teeny little tiny bit left. Do you have any final thoughts?

33:19 I mean, I think mom's the a-hole here, obviously. She should have just went with aunt's choice because.

33:25 I don't know why. I mean, her reasoning was, well, I don't like that. Well, it's not your birthday. It's not your birthday. You can suck it up for one day. For real. They're both Thai restaurants. Yeah, literally. She's like, I don't like the owners and I don't like the food of the other one. Well, the birthday girl.

33:41 Does, so I don't care.

33:45 Yeah, it's pretty crazy that she did that. I think, you know, you can't go back. You obviously can't reason with her. So I would say maybe, you know, if you want to do something for your aunt, take her back to that Thai restaurant or give her like a gift certificate. Yeah, that would be nice. Either one of those.

34:05 But there's a little bit left. I think what's bothering me the most is that my mom still doesn't see anything wrong with what she did. I'm frustrated because this is a pattern with her. She often puts her own preferences first and then acts like everyone else is unreasonable for being upset. I know some people might think I'm overthinking this or making a big deal out of a restaurant, but this is something my husband and I have noticed happens often. It's not really about the Thai food. It's about a repeated pattern where my mom puts her own wants first, even during events that are supposed to be about someone else. So am I the a-hole for calling her out and saying she made my aunt's birthday about herself?

34:43 Not at all. That's exactly what she did.

34:46 I think everyone will side with you on this. I don't really see why anyone would side with the mom. And she's obviously in the wrong.

34:55 And if this is a repeated pattern and she doesn't see that, I don't think she'll change.

35:00 Yeah, I'm like 99% sure she's not going to change.

35:04 She's not going to all of a sudden have a change of heart and be like, wait, I want to do things for other people. She has a sort of sense of ego and entitlement And you can just like know that going forward, clock it and then plan around it. Honestly, it doesn't seem like you're at a point where you're considering distancing from your mom. It's just frustrating that she is this way. Yeah, you just have recognized a pattern that's annoying. Like, oh, my mom kind of isn't a little bit of a sucky person sometimes. But you just kind of have to work around it if you don't want to distance from this person, because calling her out seems to do nothing.

35:43 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

35:46 My wife's ex vanished years ago and now he's back.

35:50 Is he the Dark Lord Voldemort?

35:53 For context, my wife and I have known each other since middle school. I was in the grade above her. We lived in the same part of a smallish town. and our families went to the same church. So it's safe to say we were always bumping into each other growing up. We ran in parallel circles, but we never really shared the same group of friends. During my sophomore and junior year of high school, we would talk sometimes.

36:13 I would drive her home every once in a while, and I could tell that she had a small crush on me, but I mostly ignored it.

36:19 What does that mean?

36:20 It's like, I don't know. He'd flirt a little bit, but he mostly ignored it.

36:25 Like, I just let her on for years.

36:28 During her junior and my senior year, she started dating the ex this post is about. He was pretty much the opposite of what anyone would have expected her to date at that point, and her personality did a complete 180 pretty soon after they started dating. She stopped hanging out with her old friends, became more outspoken, and ended up skipping her junior prom. By the way, this comes from throwaway1208. 2010 and if you want to submit your own stories go to the r slash okay story time subreddit i'm sophia i'm dakota and we're here to give good advice goofily but we don't have all the answers we only know what we do so let us know what you would do in the comments and op says i left for college on the other side of the

37:06 country and came back the next summer to find out that he had broken up with her a couple of weeks before graduation and skipped town after leaving her devastated I bumped into her at the local ice cream parlor where she was working over the summer for some extra money for college, and we hung out almost every day after that.

37:25 Mmm, just platonically?

37:27 Just platonically, sure. She never really talked about her ex, and I figured she was mostly over him. About two weeks after we first started hanging out, we made out for the first time in the backseat of my car. Hoo-wee!

37:43 I'm making out in the back of my truck, and you don't talk about your.

37:48 Ex, man.

37:49 Please don't mention him again.

37:51 And you definitely moved on from your ex-boyfriend making out with me in my truck.

37:57 It ended with her crying and apologizing because she wasn't over her ex.

38:01 Ah, no.

38:02 Change the lyrics.

38:04 We just sang the song.

38:06 She said that she was still in love with him and didn't think she would ever get over him. Well, oh.

38:12 Making out with a girl who's still in love with her ex in the back of my truck.

38:18 Yeah, that's a pretty sad song now. At that point, I realized that I was already falling for her and agreed to just be friends. That, okay. We spent the entire summer together, with me slowly falling in love with her. Our colleges ended up being pretty close to each other, so we would hang out pretty often. We also spent Thanksgiving together. I was pretty sure we would end up together when we went back that winter, but she got a letter from him explaining everything, but with no return address, causing her to spiral again. We ended up getting together the next summer and got married about three years ago. Whoa, wow.

38:54 Well, that was, that was, that's a pretty good, that's a, that's a, that's a, that was an abrupt cut too.

38:59 It was going really well until she ran to get milk about three weeks ago and bumped into him. She left you. She went to get milk and she never came home.

39:08 He was getting milk the whole time.

39:11 Completely out of the blue, across the country from our hometown in our neighborhood. Apparently, he got his life together after leaving his dad, went to college, and is now a journalist. My wife currently stays home with our six-month-old while I work a pretty time-intensive job.

39:26 Oh, God.

39:26 I'm just, I just can't.

39:27 This is, that's so, I almost, refuse to believe that that just randomly happened.

39:32 No, I think he found her. I think he found her on Facebook or something.

39:35 Yeah, but the devastating part is that if it did just happen randomly, talk about the sign from the universe.

39:42 Like, how do you ignore that? That's crazy.

39:44 The universe is telling her she has to explore it.

39:46 I mean, you could also interpret it as the universe telling you, hey, remember this thing and how much better you are now that you don't have the thing? This is a reminder that what you have is actually good. But I very much doubt that that would.

39:56 Be the way she interprets it.

39:57 She's been spending a lot of time with him lately and I don't know what to do. Every time she mentions him or things they did, I can't help but feel extremely jealous and insecure. Like she still prefers him to me. From whatever little she has told me about the relationship, I know he's the complete opposite of me and that's what attracted her to him. What should I do?

40:17 Oh, no.

40:18 And we've got an edit.

40:20 Well, you should tell her exactly what you just said.

40:22 Yeah, it's pretty crazy for her to, after all these years when you guys have a kid, to see him more than one time. and actively hang out with her ex, who she said, I don't think I'll ever be over, comes back into her life. And then she's like, oh, yeah, I'm going to hang out with him now. He's my friend now.

40:42 Yeah. And he's the exact opposite of you, which then makes me think like, oh, well, is she with me? Because I was the opposite of him and it was a way for her to get over him.

40:52 Or maybe vice versa, because she did. OP said that she had a crush on him before ex.

40:57 Yeah.

40:58 Edit, I'd like to add that the child is definitely mine. She was conceived during the lockdown, and neither of us were really leaving the house without the other. The ex-boyfriend showing up was definitely a coincidence, a very specific one, but very plausible given the circumstances. A lot of you seem to be under the impression that my wife is hiding this from me. She is not. Everything I know about them is because she told me. I've also met the ex a couple of times, although not for very long.

41:26 And relevant comments. Deleted says, have you talked to her about that? Have you ever been invited to hang out with them too? Or is she spending time with them alone? Where do they meet? In public or secluded private places? Do you know what they're talking about? How is she acting with her phone? Do you have access to it?

41:42 Could you ask her to take a look at the conversation they have? Opie says, they mostly go for walks with the baby and lunch every once in a while. He's been over a couple times, I think. I don't really know what they're talking about, but they've always had a lot of common interests. She's always been very private with her phone before we ever got together and even with her siblings, parents or friends. I definitely don't think she's cheating on me, though. Deleted says the one thing that you should do before you talk to her is think about what she can do to reassure you. What is an acceptable outcome for you and which one is a no go? I think that's a great answer.

42:16 That's the perfect answer.

42:17 Yeah.

42:18 What answer would you even accept from your wife? OP says, that's the bit I'm dreading, though. I really, really don't want to have to talk to her about this. I also don't want to control what she does. She'd definitely see the guy less if I asked her to, but that's just never been the dynamic we share.

42:34 Brother, just tell her exactly what you said about how you feel jealous and insecure that they're hanging out. And not that it's like, and you're bad for it. It's like, I'm just telling you the feelings that I have in my chest.

42:46 Yeah, and hopefully, because she's a good partner, she'll say, oh, shoot, I didn't realize I was making you feel this way. Let me put a stop to this on my own terms.

42:55 Yes, how do we put a stop to this feeling you're having?

42:59 But we've got an update a month later. Let's see if OP did this.

43:03 Oh, boy.

43:04 One month later. It's been a while since I made the post, but I figured I'd update you guys on this anyway, in case someone was still interested. I ended up burying my feelings again and decided to carry on with my life as if nothing happened. No, OP, no!

43:20 That's the opposite of the thing you were supposed to do.

43:23 Oh, you silly boy.

43:27 Yikes. Talking about it to a couple of people on here really helped me pull myself together, at least for the time being. I mean, clearly not. You kept it inside.

43:37 That's what he pulled. He pulled it all inside and kept it together.

43:40 Thank you so much for helping. I pulled everything inside and never told anyone my feelings. I did end up going to the park with her and a friend for a bit once and sort of watched their dynamic. Everything seemed normal. She mostly spent time with the baby and he was just sort of there keeping her company. Things had mostly gone back to normal when she called me at work and asked me to come home early. She'd never done this before and sounded pretty shaky. So I left almost immediately. I think she feels guilty. I think she did something and she feels guilty.

44:13 I sure hope not.

44:15 Or maybe he kissed her and she was like, oh, whoa, no, stop it. And then he was like, oh, I have feelings for you. And she's like, no, I don't want that.

44:23 Yeah, he admitted that this was all a scheme. And he was like, I took this journalism job here because I knew this is where you live.

44:28 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I got home to find her having a breakdown in the apartment. Oh, I see you. I see you. Well, one of her old friends from her old job was there with the baby. Apparently, this guy had confessed his feelings to her. He said that he had loved her since they first started seeing each other, but it never felt like he was good enough.

44:49 And now, because he had made something of himself, he finally felt worthy. He also said that he wasn't planning on saying anything originally, but had decided to because he felt that I was very detached, which was because of my anxiety. He had been offered a really good job abroad, which he was willing to turn down for her. She promptly told him to F off, but ended up having a breakdown because she realized that she had essentially lost touch with most of her friends, didn't really enjoy spending time with the women in her mommy group, and had noticed that I was being a bit distant. What do you do here?

45:21 Well, I think it's clear that the hangout is a no-go moving forward.

45:27 Yeah, I mean, it seems like she's done with him.

45:29 I think you can let those inside thoughts out and just let her know how it made you feel and that you don't feel like she's done anything wrong.

45:37 Especially not now that you know that she denied him.

45:40 Right.

45:41 It's like you just say, hey, we're going to move forward from this strong together.

45:47 You know, looking at it with this perspective, it seems like she lost touch. They moved from away from their hometown. She lost touch with all of her previous friends. Only had her husband is, you know, stay at home mom. And then this person from her old life comes and is interested in hanging out with her. And she sees it as a chance to reconnect with this, you know, childhood that she had. But now is realizing that she doesn't have any connection to that.

46:16 Yeah, it's realizing, oh wow, new life. I'm in the new life. This was the old life.

46:22 And I need new friends.

46:24 We had a really, really long talk that day. And I also showed her the post I'd made as well as some of the chats I'd had with someone here. She was very understanding and called me silly for not just talking to her. I agree. So we've basically decided that I should cut back a bit on my work hours and she's got to try to reconnect with her friends a bit more. Currently, we're back in our hometown so we can see our families again and they can meet the baby for the first time. Exciting. My wife's doing much better and she's already reconnected with a couple of her old friends. And that's the end of the story. Wonderful.

46:55 My life changed after motherhood and so did my marriage.

47:00 That's life.

47:01 My nickname has been Barbie since I was a teenager. Back then, I was pretty thin, tan, and had long blonde hair, and my signature color was pink.

47:10 Like Barbie?

47:11 Or legally blonde. Maybe you should be called Elle Woods.

47:15 I was involved in beauty pageants from the time I was a kid through my early 20s, and the nickname was first given to me by people I knew in the pageant world. Somehow, over time, more people started calling me that, and by the time I was in high school, everyone called me Barbie. My husband was the Ken to my Barbie. In school, he was the popular guy, the prom king, and yes, he had blonde hair too and a perfect smile. Once we met and got together, which wasn't until I was in college, everyone started calling.

47:44 Us Barbie and Ken. We liked being the couple.

47:49 I mean, I always thought our relationship was deeper than surface level, but I admit I liked the superficial parts of being together too. I liked being that couple. It was like part of my identity. I liked the image of who we were and how we looked together. We just celebrated our five-year wedding anniversary. Recently, I had two babies pretty much back to back. I got pregnant with my second when the first was under six months old.

48:14 and they're now 18 months and 4 months. I feel like my entire sense of self has just disappeared.

48:21 Motherhood!

48:22 Yeah, that is what I've heard happens a lot of times.

48:27 By the way, this comes from Throwaway Barbie Doll. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.

48:32 I'm Dakota.

48:32 I'm Sophia.

48:33 And we're going to read this.

48:34 Little Barbie Doll story, and we're going to have our thoughts, and you get to have yours, and put them in the comments. We're going to tell you ours right now, but just know we don't know everything.

48:41 And Opie says.

48:43 My days right now are basically feeding, washing, everything, nap schedules that don't line up, and running the same load of laundry three times because I keep forgetting to put it in the dryer on time. I know that's all normal for having really young kids. I live in oversized t-shirts. In fact, the one I've been wearing for days is an old Christmas-themed shirt of my husband's. I don't fit into any of my old clothes. I'm like three pants sizes bigger than before. I've tried buying new clothes, but nothing looks the same on me anymore, and I'm confused about what looks good on me when I used to be able to wear anything. What's really bothering me is the shift... in how my husband and i interact it's

49:22 not like it's been big fights or anything like that he eats dinner earlier now usually standing at the kitchen counter while scrolling his phone we talk less about anything personal i don't think we really talk about anything personal anymore actually It's all logistics, like who's going to run and get diapers. If I bring up feeling overwhelmed, he just says I should try to get more sleep.

49:43 When?

49:44 We sit on the couch together at night but barely actually talk. Nothing dramatic has happened. He still goes to work, he helps with the kids, he still says he loves me, but lately he started saying things like I've changed since having kids.

49:58 Yeah, that happens. That's, yes. Having three children come out of your, oh, sorry. Having two children come out of your womb does tend to change.

50:08 Yeah. Yeah, and even without that, people change every day.

50:11 Yes, also that. And if you cannot, it's a really good quote. And it was like, how have you been? It was talking to this old man. It was like, how have you had a relationship with your wife for 60 years? And he was like, I learned that I had to love the new parts. I wasn't in love with the same person. I was loving this new person constantly.

50:33 And I was learning to re-love this new person constantly.

50:36 He says, I'm more emotional, I'm more critical, I'm harder to talk to, and not like the person he married.

50:42 That's so crazy to be like, why is the person who just had two kids more emotional?

50:48 Like just popped one out four months ago.

50:51 What could possibly be causing that?

50:54 He's probably right in some ways. I just can't help thinking it's more than that, though. I feel like something changed in how he treats me when I stopped being the Barbie version of myself. Now I'm tired, messy, forgetful, behind on everything. I don't dress up, I don't wear makeup, and my hair is never styled. I feel like I'm being seen and treated differently because of that.

51:17 I mean, pretty privilege.

51:18 I don't know if this is just a normal adjustment period that would be expected for raising two babies under two, or if there's something bigger going on.

51:25 Well, girly pop could be both.

51:27 I agree.

51:28 And let this be a warning, the dangers of hinging your entire world and your identity on your looks.

51:37 Yes, I do agree with that, because it seems like OP has said multiple times my identity.

51:42 It doesn't justify how your husband's acting, but.

51:44 Well, more so, I was just going to say, I think that a lot of women, almost every woman that I've talked to who has had children has talked about this huge adjustment period of not looking the way they did pre-birth. So it is a thing that's super common, OP. And also, it seems like you might have to relearn who you are without this Barbie persona.

52:08 I'm really worried that this is a sign of something bigger, and I just didn't see it. Or didn't want to admit until now. I'm worried our relationship was always built on superficial things and an image and nothing deeper than that. This isn't even like a bad situation. It's difficult, but it should be a happy type of difficult. What would happen if we really had to go through something bad together in life?

52:32 What happens when you get old?

52:33 How do you tell the difference between just natural relationship changes after having kids... And the idea that my relationship only worked when we were pretending to be these idealized version of ourselves like props for the other person.

52:47 Dang, OP is having a crisis.

52:50 Have you ever spoken that out loud to your husband?

52:54 That's the type of thing that she's afraid of, though. You know, it's the type of thing that you just keep in the back of your mind. You're like, oh, does my partner only like me because I'm pretty?

53:03 Yeah, that's horrific.

53:06 The only way to know the difference is to talk to your husband. And if he gives you a non-answer, it might be because he sees you as the idealized version.

53:16 Yeah, you were much less difficult when you were the plastic girl version of yourself.

53:20 Why are you thinking so deeply? We used to not think.

53:24 There's an update.

53:26 On Father's Day, we did some special stuff for Father's Day. He even semi-broke his diet for the special occasion, but only semi-special. In the afternoon, both babies were napping at the same time, which doesn't happen often despite my best efforts.

53:41 He really wanted to have some spicy time.

53:43 We used to do some spicy stuff all the time and still did pretty frequently after our son was born, who was the 18-month-old. It only happens maybe once or twice a week now because I'm just tired and never in the mood. He has not been rejecting me, but when it does happen, it's actually one thing he's not selfish about. If anything, I'm trying to turn it into a quickie and he wants to do everything for me.

54:09 If I have free time, I want to sleep. So I resisted for a while, but he promised me he'd give me some amazing spice to help relax me.

54:19 I figured, okay, it's Father's Day. We actually had.

54:22 Some fantastic spicy sleep and I was so relaxed and sleepy afterwards. One of the kids woke up and he told me to sleep and he'd handle it. I ended up sleeping for three hours straight in the middle of the day and it was divine. I woke up from that nap and realized I should be getting these naps every weekend. I should be getting more breaks in time to myself. I don't know why it's been so hard.

54:44 For me to voice that.

54:45 I know that part of me wanted him to realize it himself without being told. I wanted him to offer or step up or whatever you want to call it. I didn't want to have to tell him. I was probably being too stubborn about that. I woke up from the nap and when I went out to the living room, I told him immediately that I need a nap like that every weekend.

55:05 He said, okay. I said, no, I'm serious.

55:08 And he needs to promise me he'll let me sleep for a few hours uninterrupted every weekend day when he's home.

55:14 He said, okay, like it was nothing. And then I just kept going.

55:18 I told him I need more help, not outside help, as I'm not comfortable with people coming into the house and cleaning or taking care of my kids when I'm there.

55:25 I want him to do it.

55:27 I want him to either wake up in the morning and do some chores before he goes to the gym, even if that means he has to wake up at 4 a.m.

55:33 Now, because I'm up at that time.

55:36 I don't even want to go to the gym, but if he wants me to look like I used to, I'd like to be able to get up at 4 a.m. riding the Peloton while he does chores or takes care of anyone who is awake and needs fed or changed during that time.

55:47 He just said, I can do that, like it was nothing.

55:51 I asked him if it's nothing, why am I having to ask for it?

55:54 Oh, P, you have to ask... I understand how frustrating it is to feel like people should just know that they need to do something. But sometimes people don't know. And sometimes all you need to do is ask.

56:10 He said he just didn't think of it. He's not a mind reader.

56:14 Yeah, this guy actually seems like a green flag.

56:17 I don't expect him to be a mind reader, but how hard is it to comprehend that your wife, who is with your two babies all day long, might need a little more help?

56:24 No, I understand why you're upset and it is frustrating, but also it seems that your husband just needs a little bit of a clue inside your head.

56:34 This is the part where you just go, oh, okay, thank you. Yesterday, when he got home from work, I was dressed and ready to go.

56:41 He walked in the.

56:42 Door and I told him I was going to get my hair done and I'd be home whenever. I didn't know how long it would take. I gave him a rundown on who had last ate and been changed and napped and when and by. He did have to text me once or twice to ask where some things were, but everything was fine. I decided that I don't need to keep trying to be the same me with the same look I've had for years.

57:01 Woo!

57:01 Woo!

57:02 Honestly, this is like amazing. This is going so well.

57:06 I got about seven inches cut off my hair.

57:09 I haven't had my hair done professionally in over six months, and I used to be there all the time, like every two months. I just wanted something that actually looked styled and cute. Plus, it's still below my shoulders, so it's not super short, but easier to maintain now. My God, you chopped off seven inches and it's still below the shoulder?

57:27 Yeah, she probably had long. I mean, she hasn't been in six months and she probably had hair like I'm imagining to hear.

57:33 I walked in the door and he was like, you look like a mom.

57:37 Grrr.

57:38 It didn't feel good. But at the same time, I just told him I am a mom. And if he doesn't like it, that's tough. He is the one who made me a mom.

57:46 He said he was just joking and he liked it. It looked really good.

57:49 Yeah, it really does seem like this guy is trying to be a little kidster, trying to rib her, and she is just hormonally and sleep-wise not there. She cannot handle the jokes right now. She's like, please do not joke with me. I just need you to say I look good, okay?

58:07 I don't know if I believe him, but I like it, and that should be all that matters. Tonight I told him that, one, I need him to do some chores, and I'm making him a chore chart like he's a little boy.

58:16 He said that was okay.

58:19 And he admitted he is like a little boy and needs to be told what to do. I told him that whatever sort of wacky diet eating, like 500 calories a day he wants to do, is whatever, but he needs to start helping prepare food for me, because I'm not eating well, and I'm not losing weight, and I want to lose weight. I told him I don't really want to step on the scale in front of him, though.

58:37 He said I was the one who kept going on about being fat and wanting to lose weight. He's not wrong. I've already told him that tomorrow we're having a serious conversation about all of this. Yeah.

58:48 OP, it's solved, girl.

58:51 It's just so funny that OP's vibe is just still like very like militant. And he's just so clearly, totally open to anything she's asking.

59:02 It's low-key a bit like when your parent is talking to you and they're like, you're in big trouble, like no phone for a week. And you're like, okay.

59:10 We're having a serious conversation about all this tomorrow.

59:13 What we both need from each other right now when he gets home from work. I had originally told him I wanted to do that tonight, but he had to work until seven tonight. So I knew he'd be too tired and likely right in the middle of my son's bedtime routine when he got home. So tomorrow is when I'm going to really put it all on the table.

59:29 I'm not ready to say anything like I'm considering divorce.

59:32 Please don't say that. He seems like so on your side here.

59:35 Opie continues. Yeah.

59:38 Or thinking of divorcing him if XYZ doesn't happen, because that'd be a lie. I'm not even thinking of divorce. The only reason I'm even mentioning divorce here is because there were several comments about it on my previous post, which is crazy. But if you were me, what would you say? And what would you ask of your partner?

59:52 Well, first on, I want you to take a deep breath. Take a deep breath and realize he has said yes to everything that you've asked. So maybe approach the conversation with a little bit more kindness.

1:00:02 Yeah. Yeah, I think ease up on the whole like, and this is how it's going to be. It's like, I think he's made it clear that he's open to helping you and compromising wherever needs be compromised. So let's be, let's just be like thumbs up about it instead of like, Mr.

1:00:21 Ken.

1:00:23 If you want me to be Barbie, then you need to do it.

1:00:25 And it's like, I don't think.

1:00:26 He wants you to be Barbie. From everything that we've learned about this guy, I think that it seems like you are placing a lot of emphasis on this identity and thinking that everyone else does too. And that's the only good thing about you. But that doesn't seem like that's the case. And it seems like your husband sees more to you.

1:00:46 Could be a product of your mind alone. Yeah, I would ask him what he thinks about that.

1:00:53 Yeah, but that's good. Net positive.

1:00:58 And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one. Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here. And we're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

1:01:09 My wife refused to spend my money and insists on paying half of everything.

1:01:15 Nice, dude. You won.

1:01:17 My wife and I have been together for a long time. However, over the years, we've started to develop a huge income gap. I got very lucky in a startup, and my career is currently paying about $ 200, 000, five times the national median income a year, while she's making a little over $ 20, 000. Now you would say, great, 200K family income is pretty great.

1:01:39 And you'd be right. However, this is where issues are starting to happen. My better half has a huge problem with our income gap. She's insisting she pulls her own weight. This is caused by some issues in her past and her family pretty much telling her this is the way to do it from a young age. This wouldn't be a problem. if we would be making a wage that is roughly comparable. However, this is clearly not the case anymore.

1:02:02 In my opinion, I have zero issues with paying for pretty much everything. My take-home is about 9k a month. Her take-home is about 1.3k a month. And I can easily afford a comfortable life for both of us, even if she stops working. The problem is arising now that I want us to move to a nicer house. And she's insisting she pays for 50% of everything. That's just not realistic.

1:02:26 That's just not what's happening.

1:02:29 Yeah, I honestly just talk to her and be like, hey, let's do equitable. Let's do, you know, 50% of whatever is fair for you and 50% of whatever is fair for me.

1:02:39 It doesn't have to be a big thing. I just make 10 times more than you. So it doesn't, the math doesn't math that you put in 50%.

1:02:53 Like she has done in the past five years, more on that later. The new house would cost per month more than $ 3, 000, which means she'd have to spend 100% of her pay, according to her, on mortgage and she's refusing to go along with it. I even offered her that she pays the exact same as now. But in her words, it would make her feel uncomfortable. By the way, this comes from throwaway32653256. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Sophia.

1:03:21 I'm Dakota.

1:03:21 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And OP says... That little sentence makes me worry about something else. What she doesn't know is that for the past five years, I pretty much match whatever she's paying into a bank account she doesn't know about. That account has about 60K in it. And with investing that money, it's returning about 6% interest annually. I consider this money to be hers. Okay, so.

1:03:48 Secret savings account.

1:03:50 But into a bank account she doesn't... No, it's he's.

1:03:53 Just been taking money and matching what she's been spending and then putting it into a different, into a holdings account and has invested it and it's making money.

1:04:01 Yeah, no, yeah.

1:04:02 Gotcha.

1:04:03 I consider this money to be hers. I worry that when she finds out, all heck will break loose. My question to you guys is how in the name of whatever deity you prefer do I deal with this? The income gap and the fat savings account. I try talking to her. I try talking to her family. A next step would be to talk to a therapist. I am currently sitting on nearly half a million in cash investments that I cannot really use because of her unwillingness to spend money. I cannot go on a super expensive vacation with her because she wants to pay half. We've gone camping for the past four years. I have a decent car, so no point spending it there. How can I make her understand that her stubbornness of wanting to be true

1:04:44 financial equals and spending isn't working out for me? I love this woman dearly, and I am convinced that she feels the same about me. A divorce would bring her nothing. Strong prenup, updated annually with the fully legal clean break clause. And that would also be the last thing I want. One thing I have been considering is just accepting this for a few more years until I save up to reserve that I can retire early, which would be another 7 to 10 years, or just buying the house with a mortgage that is the same monthly amount as we have now, and the rest cash. However... That would be a bad financial decision on my part. 6-7% return on capital, 2.7% mortgage rate. Edit, I feel I need to clear some

1:05:27 things up as pretty much everyone is making the wrong assumptions. The annual prenup update is her idea. Yeah, I thought it was. I assumed when you said there was an annual prenup, based off of her behavior, that she was the one.

1:05:40 Yeah, she is the one in prenup city.

1:05:43 It's quite sad that some of you think that I would want that. Did you not read the post? If it were up to me, we'd tear it up today. Annual prenups and prenups in general are a very common thing where we live. The government is even considering making it the default type of marriage. Edit two. So far, most of you are useless because you're drawing advice from the wrong assumptions. You people need to learn that it's not always the higher income partner driving the prenup. And edit, after reading most posts, a lot of you owe me an apology.

1:06:11 Okay, well, here's what I would say.

1:06:15 Like just have her open a tab you say it's all right babe we'll do this vacation you'll pay what you're what you can afford and we'll put the rest on your tab and then when she.

1:06:27 Says oh i have to pay off my job you're like.

1:06:29 Uh-huh it's like because you're not gonna have this job for the rest of your life you know who knows maybe one day you'll be making four hundred thousand dollars a year and i'll be making two hundred who knows Edit.

1:06:39 Four, I will also be talking to my wife tonight. Thank those of you who didn't assume the wrong conclusion and help me. We got an update nine days later.

1:06:47 Oh boy. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

1:06:50 Let's see if he could convince her to let him share his money.

1:06:54 Let him shower her with gifts.

1:06:57 After she came home from work, we winded down a bit as we always do after a long work week. And after talking a bit about work, I told her we needed to have a serious talk. She thought the worst right away, but I assured her there was nothing to worry about. I explained the situation about our finances and that I had asked a neutral party for advice.

1:07:14 She had no clue what Reddit is, so I just named you guys the neutral party. I explained to her that I was unhappy with the current situation where I have a huge pot of gold just sitting there, but I have to live like I was on welfare. I explained to her that I wanted to live more comfortably, but not without her and not without her being happy.

1:07:31 She told me she had no idea that I felt that way and that she was happy the way we were. I explained the situation as I explained to you guys before. and told her about the savings and investment account made with the money she was contributing to the shared finances, and that I considered that money hers. Well, call me an idiot, but she knew about the money, just not that it was hers. She thought that it was some kind of small pot of money that I played with or had a special purpose for outside the normal finances.

1:07:58 Let's just say she was, as you guys imagined, not too pleased about the fact that it matched what she was contributing. The talk ended there on Friday evening. It was too emotional for her and we decided to continue on Saturday. Why? Like nothing bad is going on here. Your husband just told you, hey, I'm giving you money.

1:08:21 I want to share money. I've been saving money that you've been contributing so that I can give it back to you.

1:08:28 It'd be different if she was just like, I don't want you to buy me things. I don't want, but it's like, You can't even go on like a nice vacation because she's like, well, then it wouldn't be equal.

1:08:39 And it's like, it doesn't have to be.

1:08:42 Saturday came and I told her it would be better to discuss further with a relationship therapist. And she agreed. I made a few calls and we were planning for last Wednesday.

1:08:50 I mean, my bet would be that she's just really like she has this thing internalized where she's petrified.

1:08:58 This will be hellfire. over her in some way.

1:09:02 Saturday to Wednesday were uneventful and we both mostly shut up about the situation. Wednesday and Friday, we had the appointment with the relationship therapist. While I will leave the small things out here, the two main topics discussed were reasons for her views on shared finances, spending, having tons of money. spending patterns, contributions to shared finances. So lo and behold, the monkey came out of the sleeve. That's a saying we have here, meaning the truth is finally revealed.

1:09:29 The monkey is free from its sleeve.

1:09:32 Before I met her, it turns out she and her family had a huge battle with debt. Her parents used to be ridiculously poor due to bad choices in life. Nothing substance related, but before you ask, just very poor financial choices. And they lived in near poverty for about a decade.

1:09:48 They put everything they had into beanie babies in the late 90s.

1:09:51 This was compounded by her having an ex-boyfriend before we met that paid for everything, but expected complete and utter control over her in return. I think we can all understand what this resulted in, and for me, everything suddenly became crystal clear. We talked for about eight hours in total, with the therapist over two sessions, and the following was agreed upon. Full openness about finances. No more hidden pots of gold. We have an appointment with the private banker that deals with my finances next week to sort of train and teach her about all the money we both have access to. A huge victory, she agreed after the therapist explained to her to contribute the same percentage to our shared costs. She works 40 hours a week. I

1:10:32 work more hours than that, but we agreed to rationalize that we both worked full-time and thus would pay the same percentage of our income towards shared expenses. This is roughly about 10% of both our net incomes. Got a little bit left, but what are you thinking about this situation now?

1:10:50 I mean, it sounds like now that you've gotten clarity, like there's a clear path forward.

1:10:55 I mean, she's finally listening, it seems. She is open to financial, not financial, financial openness and joint finances.

1:11:06 Yeah, I mean, and you're not her ex- And you're not her family. Like, you've got an investment account earning 6% year over year. And you clearly know your finances. It's certainly better than I do.

1:11:20 And, you know, the picture is clear now. The monkey is free of its sleeve.

1:11:26 The marital agreement situation will stand for now. She is unwilling to talk about changing it for the time being. We've had it updated a short while ago and will consider revising it next year. She's still adamant that we need a full, clean break in case something happens, and we both agree that we don't see anything happening anytime soon, so it's a moot point anyway. We will not be getting a bigger house in the next six months. However, she is willing to have a look at what is possible.

1:11:52 I believe that we can come to an agreement about this in the coming month, and she dropped a small bomb there, saying, when we have kids, we'll need something bigger soon anyway. I think she wants kids, which is great. We've always agreed on having kids. She just wasn't ready for it for a while. Seems she is now, which is awesome. I have explained clearly to her that without her, I cannot do my job and that her emotional support is what keeps me going. And that this means I consider my earnings are possible by her supporting me. This means that those earnings are also hers. She didn't agree.

1:12:25 And I think this understanding will come over time. And that's the end of the story. We haven't got a full resolution, but we are on the way to somewhere.

1:12:33 We see the path through the forest, and there is light at the end of it.

1:12:38 Yes, and maybe kids.

1:12:40 Yes, it's two kids holding a flashlight.

1:12:43 And that's the end of this story.