Sex Unlocked: Let’s Get Testy with Austen Kroll

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Hello, my little sex pods. Welcome back to another episode of Sex Unlocked.

Hello, Sally Carson.

Hello. You're looking gorgeous as usual.

Thank you. You look great. I'm looking like the one that should wear the strap on.

Lauren and I are comfort maxing.

Don't you worry. I'm about to give you the greatest introduction of your life. Today, we have the most special guest, the first man we've ever had on Sex Unlocked coming in at six.

How tall are we? Six five? Six five.

Stepping in at 6'5, hopefully hung like a horse, we have Austin Kroll, Kroll the Warrior King.

That was a great intro. That was a great intro.

What an honor. What an honor to be the first male guest on y'all's podcast.

You've been the topic of many Sex Unlocked episodes, and now here you are. I've seen.

I've seen clips.

He's literally mentioned in every single one we've had.

I think.

I know.

And I have lots of adventures together. So lots to talk about from just kind of in everyday life. It's topical.

What day is this? I think this is like day five of just being inseparable.

We have been together for six days.

Six.

And have we rolled around in the sack together at all?

Wednesday.

And we're going to be together tomorrow.

Hey.

She said if we rolled around in the sack at all?

No.

Cuddled naked? Oh, we've cuddled.

We cuddled at the wedding the second night.

We did cuddle.

Once it was established by the way, Lala, and for everyone listening, that Sally had no interest in any of the men there.

I had no interest in any of them. But they all were trying to fuck me.

Well, who wouldn't? Fair roll.

No, blah, blah. Okay. I knew that you were going to say that, right?

Yeah.

Who wouldn't? Queen. Yes. Got it. You know, you guys love each other and you guys are so hot. We get it. But like, I've never seen men like fucking thirst for someone. Like I see them thirst for Sally. Like this girl wakes up with like 20 texts from each man. That's like trying to holler at her. It's hilarious.

Yeah.

I had that this morning too.

As a woman who appreciates women a lot, it's the whole thing that you have going on, Sally. It's like the beautiful, like tan, butter soft skin with like the gorgeous blue eyes and like the flat tummy and the tight perky ass. And then you add that like sexy raspy voice that's kind of like yeah I'm into it but like I'm not really that into it prove it it's the whole thing working.

And the fact that she's drinking a Coors Light at.

One o'clock in the afternoon yes and she goes to like football games.

Because my voice is torched can I.

Tell you what you need you need a hot toddy I if.

We had liquor I would do that liquor.

It's the answer to everything. Can't go to the bathroom, you need a hot toddy. You got a sniffle, you need a hot toddy. You got a frog in your throat, hot toddy.

Hot toddy. Trust me.

Hot toddy.

Right, Lala, everything that you're saying, right? I mean, Sally's a guy's girl. Sally is a guy's girl and her very close friends, her very close guy friends, you know, forget it often, right? Because we're like, Sally's one of the dudes. And so... It's easy to treat her like one of the dudes.

Which is so fun, by the way, though, because like I feel I've never been in like a healthy, happy partnership where like it is what it's supposed to be. But I can imagine that when you're looking for your person as a man, because I know as a woman, I look for this. To find someone that is my best friend. fucking friend that I can fuck like a porn star and then come out looking a hot mess and laugh about it and watch TV Sundays. We can watch a game together and have like healthy banter about, you know, like I'm a Ravens fan and maybe you like the Steelers. Let's fucking get into it. You know, like that's what you want.

But then here's my question. What? What happens when that line gets blurred and all of a sudden you just like treat your partner like, Like, more of a best friend than, like, a, you know, lover.

Wow. That's such a good question. Communication.

Because that has happened to me.

With who?

I'm not going to say. I'm just saying.

Like....

With everyone.

Do you think?

Austin, I really like where your head's at right now. So when they turn into your best friend, what do you, do you find that you don't want to sleep with them anymore?

Cause it's like, you're the homie. Like I'm not interested sexually.

Kind of like it turns into that, right? It turns into the, like, you know, like I can be the one at night to be like, I'm tired. You know, I'm cramping. Yeah.

Isn't that natural though for like every.

Relationship that's what I'm saying well that you just gotta spice it up okay.

Yeah well that's what I think too I mean again I'm just an outsider to other people's relationships but I found with my friends who have found their best friend but then they tell me these crazy stories of like we were feeding the kids breakfast and I just like was with my husband behind the island and gave him a blow job with my kids fully like on the other side of the island.

And I'm like, okay, that is so fucking cute and hot.

Yeah.

Depending on who you ask. You got to do stuff like that to keep, to keep things going.

Yeah.

The kids are in high chairs. They're not getting out, you know? Yeah.

Yeah.

They're fine. But I think that's what it is.

You have to, yeah, they're locked in. I, what you just said where it's like, when it comes to sexy time, I'm tired, I'm cramping. Like, you have to have the intimacy involved as well. And if you get tired late at night, like me, well, like let's fuck at 4 PM.

I'm a, I'm a real riot at 4 PM.

Yeah.

I'm real riot.

Um, you guys have been on Southern charm for how many years together?

Three. Gosh, that's it.

That's it.

Three years.

Sally, have you only been on Southern charm three seasons?

It feels like she's like a grizzled vet.

This one coming up is my third.

It's her third season.

Isn't that crazy? You have only appeared on our screens for two seasons? That is mind blowing.

And like one of them, you know, she was in a relationship. So like wasn't really front and center. At all.

How did you guys feel?

It does feel like longer, though, because I mean, I just I've gotten so close to all of them.

Right.

No, I love watching your guys' stories together. It makes me so happy I vicariously lived through you guys. What did you think about the trailer?

What did you think about the trailer?

Yeah, I'm obsessed.

But you know that I'm like a Southern Charm obsessed fangirl.

I know. I love it. I love it.

I think the trailer was really good. I really do.

I think especially like with the love child.

In the 10 years that I've been a part, I think it's the top one or two trailer that I've seen that had me hooked.

It is so good. This is your guys' 11th or 12th season?

12th.

Wow, you've officially beat Vanderpump Rules. Congratulations. Round of applause.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

I thought they yelled it 12. No, we called it after 11. It still went on with a new cast. So congratulations, you guys. That's a really big fucking deal. Austin, are you able to tell us about what happened with Molly?

You heard, right? And basically, we had a cast party that evening. And Sally said it yesterday, which was really funny. I didn't have beef with anybody. So I was able to just go to the party and get drunk. And get drunk I did, Lala.

Oh, he got hammered. Get drunk I did.

In the trailer, you see Sally. I was going to say Sally is slapping me. And so we were doing, you know, like you slap and you take a shot, you know, kind of thing. So it was that kind of night. And since I didn't have to have any of the tough talks with anybody, I just got hammered and had a blast with everyone. And I'm sure that clips are going to emerge of me like swinging Veneto like around the room.

Swinging me around the room.

Swinging Sally around the room. And eventually Molly.

Wow.

And molly kind of matched my energy that night so.

I love when you're obliterated he.

Is a good time when he's when he's drunk he's a good time.

The best i see it that's for sure yeah.

Is there anything that's missing from the trailer that you guys are tweaking out about like nervous about re-watching you don't have to give me a specific.

I mean, I just think that the trailer, by the way, I mean, when when I finished watching it and I was like, well, I just watched the whole movie, you know?

Yeah.

There was a lot. But that's what I think makes this season great, is that we like have a lot of things happening and we keep it moving rather than getting stuck on one particular thing.

Yeah, it's not just like Craig and Austin fighting.

Right.

For 15 episodes.

Right. Or like, you know, Austin and Taylor. They're like, let's beat that dead horse again. Yeah. So it's like constantly changing. The thing that I am nervous about, you know, of course, we don't know. Like, I don't. know what Sally goes to lunch with Madison and talks about her like talks about me to her and she doesn't know, you know, and I don't remember like when I went to lunch, you know, with Shep and I'm, and I'm probably talking about Sally or, you know, Rodrigo or something.

And I'm like, wait, I don't, I don't want you to be mad at me.

I know we had a conversation. When was that? Yesterday or a couple of days ago.

And we were like, no matter what years, we just need to tell each other now, like nothing's going to change. Like our friendship is strong enough to handle whatever kind of shit we said about each other behind each other's backs.

Cause we definitely did.

The name of the game.

And in the trailer, I see you yell at me and I'm just like crying. And I was like, oh my God, I forgot that happened. That was a really sad day.

But I think that's what makes Southern Charm very special is that the friendships are so deep rooted and whether cameras are up or down, you're living the exact same way, just like super thick relationships. And you're going to say things behind each other's backs that you're going to have to relive. But that's what the audience is so into.

Watching two people who are invested in one another go at it and then, you know, have resolution.

That's what reality TV is.

And watching you guys, you guys really fucking do an impeccable job of....

Just keeping an audience engaged.

And it's strictly because you guys have hard conversations, but it's also us being flies on the wall to your guys's lives and friendships. It's fucking fantastic. So I amazing and kudos to you guys for season 12. That's really fantastic.

Incredibly high praise coming from the likes of you. Somebody who just lives their life, you know, out there, I am drawn to people like you, which is why me and Sally are so close. What?

I said, which is why you're drawn to me.

Which is why I'm drawn to Sally, which is why Sally feels like it's not her third season. It's like her 10th because she lives her life out loud. And that's all that an audience and like a cast member who has like a new person coming into the fold can ask for.

Right.

That's what Sally does. And that's what I think that a lot of us do, you know? Yeah. And I think it's, I think that's why I got close.

I'm just speaking facts.

And Sally, I think you're like, I know that people can say crazy shit to you online, but I think what's fantastic about you, just like Austin said, is you live your life so authentically. And I think that people just throw that word out there so often, like you're so authentically yourself. And it's like, yeah, yeah, fuck off.

Yeah.

But it's true. Like you are polarizing. No one is indifferent to Sally Carson. They either love you or they hate you. And guess what? It's all one in the same, which I think is fucking fantastic.

It's so true. I was just on vacation, you know, with Kristen Cavallari and, and, you know, Justin, and they said the same thing. They're like, Austin, To be hated is actually like low-key what you want.

No, truly.

You're hated and it's polarizing, but no matter what, the people are talking about you.

Well, the people that hate you are your ultimate fans. Like they clock everything that you're doing.

And someone said to me back in the day when I was getting a lot of heat and it was just like, this is crazy. Like I'm not used to living my life where people can judge me for it.

And they were like, Lala.

haters are just confused appreciators. And once she told me that I was like, Oh, they're just confused. How do you feel about me?

I like this.

I want to, I want to venture into something that Sally said on one of the podcasts that the average penis size in Charleston is four inches. Uh, Are you a part of, is Austin a part of the average?

I wasn't talking about Austin. I wasn't talking about you.

That was generous of you. Thank you.

The four inches is generous.

That was fucking absolutely generous. And I appreciate you thinking.

I'm so large.

Wait, Sally, when you said the average is four inches, is that soft or hard?

Hard.

Who's talking about a soft a flaccid wiener when when you give a.

Size you know i was just trying to give charleston some credit maybe they're growers and not showers i'm trying to.

Defend you guys but hey if you want to if.

You want to die on the hill of we're four inches fucking hard baby then hey i know where to not search for dick.

Um Like, I'm certainly not going to mansplain a man's penis on a female's podcast, but, you know, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Oh, my God.

You know, some women are like, oh, my Lord, you know, and I'm like, girl, don't, like. It's not, it's not like, it's not that. It's not what you're saying, you know, right now. And, you know, and others like, oh my gosh, Lala, man, we're on our cash trip. And Madison said the funniest fucking thing to me.

We can't say it.

We can't say it because that's going to be iconic.

It had me dying because Madison, Madison is one of those girls that thinks that telling a man that they have like a small dick, like bothers them. And like someone like me, I'm like, Girl, I don't give a fuck what you're saying. I am not that man who you can cut me to my core by being like, you got a small dick. I'm like, okay, whatever, dude.

Whatever you fucking say. Is that because you know you have a big one?

I'm just very comfortable. I'm very comfortable with what I got.

He's satisfied. He's satisfied.

No one's ever asked for any refunds, Lala.

Sounds like Madison did. Sounds like Madison wanted a lot of refunds. Cut it. Madison wants all the refunds.

I call bullshit on that, but yeah.

Well, I do want to know because there was a point in time and I can't even remember when this was, but I know I can remember you and I Austin had this moment of talking about relationships and I expressed to you, like, I don't even know if I want to be in a relationship. Like, I don't know if that's for me because I really just like navigating life on my own. And you had similar feelings. Are you still on that path or are you wanting to date?

Are you dating anybody?

I'm not dating anybody. And I am on that path still. I am on the path of I've done it and it always seems to have the same outcome, you know. So it's almost like at what point in time am I just going to kind of like look, you know, inward and just be like, maybe, maybe it all just isn't for you. maybe it all just isn't for you.

I mean, I went to therapy for it, like specifically a behavioral therapist of like why I do the things, you know, that I do. And then you start to be alone and then you kind of crave that like aloneness, you know, but then going to like a wedding, you know, with Sally was really, you know, nice. And I'm so glad that she was there to be my PIC.

You know, and it was fun.

And I, and, and, and I love that, you know, but that's definition of, you know, cake and eating it too. So I'm like trying to not, it's like, I'm, I'm towing the line, but, but I definitely, this season made it very clear that I'm not interested in dating anybody.

Okay.

Yeah.

I think that's totally fair.

I think if a man can be completely honest and upfront, like if they start liking a girl, just them saying like, just so you know, I can't offer you what you deserve because it's just not in me.

I can so fucking rock with that.

Like I feel the, I love my alone time, but then I want to tap someone in if I'm going out and everyone's bringing their partner, but then I want you to go home and I want to continue living my life. I, I, you're very seen.

You're going to see that a little bit. this year because someone comes into the fold who who I I kind of was dating who we saw a clip I mean not dating but had taken on dates and spent some time with and and that's where you see in the clip you know where Sally's like Austin how come like you took her on dates and and not me and so Yeah, it was like me trying to talk to this girl of just like, I don't, I can't offer you what it is that you need and, you know, deserve.

You did wine and dine her though.

I did.

But you know what's funny is like, I look at our friendship and I'm like, wait, you kind of wine and dine me, but like, it's like a friendship.

I mean, we went, we did yesterday.

Sally, we wine and dine each other all the time.

It's just different.

I don't know.

I think there's no pressure. There's no pressure, which is amazing. I mean, we were saying the other day, are we just best friends? Should we just have kids and be just friends?

By the way, I'm so not mad at that idea. I talk about as a mother to someone who had it just like the very traditional way and then experiencing motherhood in an untraditional way. I tell people, I'm like, if you have a best friend who you trust, have children with that person. Because then if you want to spend holidays together, you're still with the kid. You guys get to have the time of your lives. But then if like you want a weekend to yourself, you're like, hey, I have a date. I'd like to bring this guy back to the house. Can you take little Johnny to like Disneyland for the weekend? Like that sounds lit to me.

I know, doesn't it?

It sounds great.

Yes.

Yes. I mean, you know, especially because we're sitting here talking about the fact that I'm not entirely sure if like the traditional sense of a relationship or marriage is for me.

I think that's totally fine as long as it's communicated to the person that you're hanging out with.

I agree. Wait, Austin, do you want kids? Yeah, he wants kids.

I just think that I would be a kick-ass dad.

You would be a fucking kick-ass dad.

And so it's almost like... It's almost like a disservice to my children.

Well, and your parents.

To my unborn children. And they're not going to have like a kick-ass dad. And I really feel that my parents would be such great grandparents.

They would be so sad if you.

Didn't get them a grandchild. And they've never pressured me, which is like, shout out Tom and Wendy.

Which makes you want to give it to them even more, right?

Exactly.

Which makes me feel like, oh, you guys deserve this.

And hey, our AI kids... Are so cute. I talk about this all the time. He sent it to his mom and his mom said, no time like the present.

She did say that and I was shocked by it, right? Like, because in the past she's been like, okay, Austin, settle down. You know, there's like, there's no reason to rush into kids. Like, let's, let's be sensible about this.

I think everyone just sees our relationship and sees how much we care about each other.

I think it's a great idea and I'm co-signing on it. And I'm sure people think I'm a nut job, but I just think my own personal experience, that's the way to do it.

Hey, that's how we're going to get to season 15 of Southern Shore.

That's how you get to season 20.

You're a fucking housewife status after that.

I want to venture into sexy time. Sexy time.

Yes.

Wait, Austin, how old are you? 39?

39.

I just turned 39 last year of my thirties. It's so funny too, is that I started the show at 29 and now I'm 39. So officially my entire thirties have been spent on television, which is crazy to think about.

That is crazy. What a wonderful, cool thing.

You guys, I think about this all the time because I'm with a newer cast now where like we're now on the fourth season and And when they want to spiral about things, I'm like, I just want you to understand that there will be a day where you're sitting around with your grandbabies, you're not on TV and you get to tell them, you're not going to remember what insult was thrown at you, what storyline happened. All you're going to remember is that you were on fucking TV and you get to tell your grandkids that, and that is cool. And we're going to blink and be there, right?

I vividly remember sitting- It's crazy. And I think it's important that we take those moments because time is flying by. And I remember sitting on a bus with my cast. It was like Vanderpump Rules season six. And we were in Mexico. And I was like, you guys, we need to like really take this moment in. I know that there's beef happening, but this is going to be over one day. And this is really cool. And we need to like live in this moment. And I think back on that and I'm like, wow, that time is over.

And I feel like I blinked and it was done. So the fact that you can say you've spent 10 years, most, most of your, all of your thirties on TV, fucking awesome.

That is awesome.

You can look back and be like, it's cool. Anyway, let's talk about sex. Cause it's fucking sex unlocked.

That's my boy.

Craig would do on this podcast.

You'd want to talk to me about pillow making and I'm uninterested.

Where can I put these pillows to better position me for the big O is what I'm wondering.

Let me tell you something.

If you cannot pick me up and stand while you're fucking thrusting me in squatty potty position, then we just, I have explained sexual positions to my friends who are like married. They're like, what kind of men are you fucking? Because my husband could no way hold me up.

That's a problem.

Wait, how is Squatty Potty?

That's a problem.

I love Squatty Potty. We haven't even talked about this. How is Squatty Potty? The best.

The chocolates work. Oh my God, we didn't even talk. The chocolates work. Yes, the bed was fucking soaked. I come out of the bathroom and I was like, should we change the sheets? He was like, it's fucking two o'clock in the morning.

No, you put a towel down.

The amount of times that I've heard Lala say the bed was soaked is like, should we study?

I don't know when I turned into such a wet woman. She a juicy lady. I'm the juice box.

Yeah call me honest uh what's the age range of women that you'll date austin that i would date that you would hook up with that you would hook like what like for me the youngest i would say is 26 yeah i i think really oh yeah give me a 26 year old that they are worried i.

Was thinking i was old oh.

Get it girl I think youngest is, you know, 25. I mean, you know, have I, you know, younger? Yes. But to date, now that I'm getting older, I think that the age is going to settle in right around like, like, you know, 27 and up.

Okay.

To date what's the do you have an oldest do you have a cap not that we discriminate on this podcast as sally she will if the connection is there she's giving the go-ahead Yeah.

I mean, look, I like there there is no cap because but like, you know, there is there there is a rule, right? It's like if I'm not pitching a tent and like we're not going camping, you know, so like if there's a hot, you know, an older woman, right, who I connect with.

You're checking out somebody's old ass yesterday. Who was that older woman?

Well.

We're not going to go there.

Okay, yeah.

Or are we?

Is she a known person? Yeah.

Yes.

Okay, we won't go there. We can tell you after we cut. Will you tell me after the pod?

Yeah.

Are you comfortable asking for what you want in bed?

Yeah. I think it's important to establish that early on because I've gotten into things with someone where I'm like, wait, I want to do this, but now I feel weird doing it because we didn't establish this the first time that we did it.

Stuff like what would be like controversial.

What just like like like anal no that's.

Not my guy but you don't like anal yeah you know.

What i so appreciate that you're saying like that you want to have that conversation beforehand like just as a woman like i really would prefer you ask if i want you to play with my asshole you know.

Yeah Because we've gotten into situations where the man doesn't go down on you. And it's like, if I would have known this, I would have never been interested.

Do not ask me to blow you if you're not going to munch the cookie. All right.

Exactly.

You give me a cookie. I give you a cookie. I'm looking for a cookie monster. All right.

I'm going to be a cookie monster for Halloween.

PSA, I am a giver.

Psa out there please oh my god now i gotta clear my throat come on over poppy i'm telling you you ain't eating the box get the fuck out.

The juice box is juicing i'm.

Obsessed with this episode oh my god okay i do have to know this because you're a weird cat lady not that there's anything wrong with that.

How dare you But okay, true.

Cat Lake is hilarious.

There was a meme the other day that said all blonde men are lesbians.

It made me laugh so hard.

I love the content about your cat. How many do you have?

Two.

I love the cat. He has two pussies and I have three wieners.

Like, I love that show.

We made the greatest song ever this year on the show about Sally and wieners.

And how my heart lives in my vagina.

So good.

It sounds really sweet.

And Kyle better take it. And sample it and.

Use it as DJ gigs. Oh, he's playing that at every DJ gig.

100%.

How could he not? It sounds fantastic. It's pretty funny.

We like sing it in a country tone. But anyways, okay.

What are cats like when you're in the act?

Because I know that I've only had dogs and like there have been times where I have been in the act and my dog, Lily, God rest her gorgeous soul. would like start licking the ass of the man on top of me. And it gets a little funky and weird. And I get kind of territorial where I'm like, back the fuck off, bitch. You're doing more than I'm willing to do.

Oh my God. Wait, you're, you're not an ass eater. I'll eat ass if I'm into you.

Okay.

Yeah.

Same.

Yeah.

I will have you in fucking birthing position.

All right.

Just let it happen. You'll like it, I promise.

Stirrups. Oh my God.

But what are cats like? Are they kind of skittish and weird? Like what's happening to dad?

They don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. They're just like, because you you have to realize that what's going on inside the brain of a cat. It's like a two year old child. They're just like, they they're they're chilling and unbothered which is why i love cats they are so unbothered and they like think that they're better than you because they are and then when they give you like and then when they give you like attention you're like i've done it i've done it i've fucking done it they fucking love me they're on my chest.

That is true that is true they do make you fight for the love.

Yeah whenever one of his teeny will get in my lap and i will be there.

Like oh I know.

I'm always like, don't move. Don't move. Don't move. If you pet her too soon, then she's out of here.

She's out of here.

You have to let her settle and then you can pet her.

They are so hard to get. I need to be more of a cat. I'm more of a dog.

Same. I'm more of a dog.

Guys, I've been saying this like a lot recently. It's like there is not a single bone of nonchalance or like mysteriousness in me. I just like don't have it. I'm not 007. I am his idiot brother.

Yes.

But you give that energy similar to shorts of like a golden retriever.

And who doesn't love a golden?

I just won't be nonchalant, but cats are nonchalant and mysterious. And, you know, by the way, I mean, I get cats because I travel too much. Like I've been out of town for so long and they've been at my parents' house. And if it was a dog, forget about it. I just couldn't do it. Yeah.

I mean, I have three and it's a pain in the ass.

Yeah.

It's like having a newborn baby at all times. And, you know, Austin has it figured out where he just leaves.

A litter box.

Everything is automatic.

Let me tell you something.

Sally dies with her three dogs in the house and they will lay by her until someone comes. Your cats are eating your face.

That's fine.

Eating your face. No joke. I've seen that shit firsthand.

Just so you know.

The last thing that I want is pussy on my face.

I thought that was the first thing you wanted.

Now you're a tease I thought that you were I thought you were down for the cause I have.

Well when I'm dead is what I'm saying when you're dead no yeah the cats are eating my face so.

Rapid fire questions morning sex brush your teeth or let it go.

Let it go yeah sorry which.

Is why I lay on my back but then it's not like spontaneous you said that you wanted your.

Eyes closed and that you don't want to move you want to be a corpse so you didn't just like shuffle into the bathroom and brush your teeth and come back.

No but I'm saying I have to be this way because like I don't want us to breathe and please don't kiss me in the morning time unless I'm in love if I'm in love like we're doing whatever I'm a freak don't brush your teeth I don't give a shit sex in front of a mirror hot or distracting Both.

Both.

Both. Yeah.

Sexy lingerie or an oversized t-shirt?

Oversized t-shirt.

Same. Restraints. Are we into it or no?

No.

Uh-uh. I learned that one.

Yeah.

When Sally was hogtied and got her cute Amazon pajamas ripped off of her body.

Oh my God.

That was crazy. I can't wait.

By the way, I can't wait for the next episode to deep dive into ghost.

That shit was wild. That shit was wild. Last thing you typed into the porn search bar. You know mine. Mine's lesbian massage. Mine's lesbian massage too.

Really?

Yeah.

Stuck.

Oh my God. Stuck porn. He loves stuck porn. What does that mean? Like you get stuck somewhere and you're.

Like, oh my God, like I'm taking out you the laundry and like, oh my God, I'm stuck. Stepson, are you here? And then the stepson comes and you know, and she's not stuck at all. It's like, okay, well, what do you mean that you're stuck? She's like, help me.

And then all of a sudden, you know, what's funny is when we were in Hawaii, I don't know if they're air this or not.

I was like cleaning the kitchen.

And I'm literally putting dishes away and no one was in there except for the cameras.

And I'm like, the door like closed on my arm. And I was like, Austin, Austin, I'm stuck.

Help.

Are there ones where like the girl is like stuck in the doggy door? Oh, that would be a good one.

Window, under the table, laundry room.

Yeah.

I need it to be realistic. You're not getting stuck under a table. You could quite literally get stuck in a doggy door.

That makes sense to me. With just like the butt on your side. Tell that to.

My porn search, guys. What are you telling me that they're lying to me?

It's crazy.

No, they're actually stuck. What do you want immediately after sex? Cuddling, conversation, food, or sleep?

Water.

Wow. What I want immediately after sex is for you to go home.

Yeah.

Really?

Yes.

We're done.

Hold on, hold on. You know that that's like, you know, the famous saying of like, of like, you know, like why do men, you know, order prostitutes? Because they're not paying for the sex. They're paying for you to leave.

Yeah.

And I don't mean that in a cold hearted way.

I just like, I'm so into my routine, which is like, once we have sex, if it's in the morning time, for example, like my bed needs to be made at a certain time.

And how do I make it if we're in it?

What if you're really comfortable and you like the person?

Oh, then I want to spend all the live long day with you. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, water and cuddles.

Water and cuddles.

No wonder people want you in a relationship. Everything you're saying, you wine and dine and you want to cuddle after sex. You're like screaming relationship.

Holy fuck. We cuddle when there's no sex.

Hold on, hold on. I don't do the wine and dine thing very often. So like. You know how somebody would be like, oh, you know, this is like my fifth... hinge date of the week i'm like that sounds exhausting oh my gosh that sounds awful right and there are women that do that and say that and like you know like yes like my sister main said that at one point in her life i was like dude aren't you and i was like wait are you just trying to get like a free meal because like good on you you know.

It's like good on you it's expensive dude i don't.

Do dating like that but she's very happy and committed in your relationship so.

Oh you're like good luck chuck I have been called that before.

But then, but then Lindsay broke the spell because she didn't end up.

Oh, so the spell is broken.

I mean, that's what I say.

Well, look at Sally. It doesn't happen for her either. Sorry, babe. Wait, when you guys hooked up, did you find a relationship afterwards? Me and Austin?

No, no, no, no. See, the good luck Chuck thing is like when you sleep, you know, with someone. Okay. Mine was like every girl that I dated. Oh, every girl you dated. Got into a relationship.

Oh, okay. Lights on, off, or dimmed?

Dimmed.

I like a dim too.

Off, you don't know what the hell's going on. Yeah.

Or like, I love having sex if like the TV's on.

Cause my ADD really enjoys that.

Yeah.

I like that too.

So you're like a Netflix and chiller.

I'm the biggest. Do you like being called daddy? Are you into it or no?

Thanks. Daddy.

It doesn't do it for me. Like you would think that it does, but a well-placed daddy works.

Okay.

Yeah.

You can't just be throwing out daddy left and right.

You can't just be throwing out daddy.

You're like, okay, stop.

Just a well-placed daddy. It's got to be like in the throes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like during mid-sex.

Yeah.

Like in the ear. Spank me, daddy.

Like when something happens and it's turned up that next notch.

Yeah.

And you're like, I'm really doing it here. I'm really doing it.

I'm doing really well right now.

Oh, God.

A woman making the first move.

Do you like that or is it weird?

I I'm, I'm into it, but I have to be into it. Right. Um, yeah, it's fine.

How do you feel about dick pics?

I think they're outrageous. I like cannot believe that they get sent. I like these men, you know, girlfriends in line that tell me that they get dick pics. I'm like, this poor bastard is already out. He's already out because it, it, it just seems like the most Dumb and invasive thing that you can do. And like, I don't want my dick out there. Like, I am not going to have my dick pic out there. So I don't do it.

Don't like dick pics.

And and ever since that meme dropped right where it was like. It was like a girl doing it. And she was like every dick pic that I get. And she's like, you know, lying there and she's holding like a can of Pringles and she's doing all these positions. And the man just looks so fucking stupid. So stupid in every position.

I get like one a day from this one guy on Snapchat. I'm like, I don't even want to open it anymore.

I don't blame you.

That's aggressive. Yeah. You're like me drinking your coffee and you're like, oh God. Yeah.

And he's like, I don't know why he's like 24 or something.

Oh.

He's a football player, but he's like.

Oh!

Like an athlete? Athlete?

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm not going to say who it is. So his body's probably slamming.

No.

Weirdly not.

Oh.

But I'm not.

I don't love a.

I don't... we we've already established.

I like a dick pic if i'm super super into you and can i tell you what continues to fuck with me is that i never send nudes but i fired a couple off to this guy who i was like he's my future baby daddy i'm moving him into my house And then it went south and I'm like, yes, this random motherfucker has naked photos of me.

I cannot shake the feeling. You probably look hot as fuck.

I do.

I really wish he'd leak them actually.

Yeah.

If you listen to this podcast, leak the photos.

Please leak Lala's nudes.

Like for real. I looked really good.

I was impressed by my own self. You gotta be like down bad if you're sending dick pics. That's just what I think. Unless they're requested, right? Unless you're like, let me see. Then that's different. Yeah, don't just fire it off. But an unsolicited dick pic? I just can't even imagine.

And please don't send me limp dick unless you're hung like a horse.

Because then I'm impressed. That is hilarious.

A flaccid unsolicited dick pic? That's crazy.

There was a guy I dated that lived in Nashville and he sent me a dick pic. He was like sitting on the toilet and his dick was like hard and he was like holding it. And I downloaded it because I was like, I know this motherfucker's cheating on me. I downloaded it and I saw the time and date and it was dated back to like five days prior.

But he's like sending me saying like he's so hard for me in that moment. And I sent it to a girl that he had just recently followed on Instagram. And she was like, I literally just got the same thing. I was dating this guy. Like, saying I love you.

Like, I was like, okay. Well, he's cheating and sending his dick everywhere. Oh, my God. It was crazy. You know what I can't get over?

Is usually the men who are firing off dick pics need, like, manscaping.

And it's a little crooked and wonky. And usually flaccid. And I'm like, you... You have balls to be sending.

it's like that guy who was on that show what is it summer house.

West wilson has his dick pics out on the internet and it doesn't even it literally looks like a dick pic you would take to be like hey doctor what's this rash on my dick or something because it was like not sexy.

At all it was not sexy at all it's clinical it's.

Clinical my final my final rapid fire question austin car sex you're very tall six five i will repeat six five You must have children, by the way.

There's a lot of short men out here.

We need to, like, repopulate with some, like, Viking motherfuckers.

Produce.

They'd be so athletic.

Yeah.

Are we having... I mean, I'm actually interested if you do have.

They say that that comes from the mom's side. Good. Yeah.

I love the conversations.

You guys have.

We're, like, talking about our kids. Genetically, it would work really well. It would be beautiful. Can you physically have car sex with how tall you are?

Like, what is sort of car sex we're talking? I mean, like, it's like when you think of car sex, what do you think of?

I'm thinking you're in the backseat. Driver, roll up the partition, please. That kind of car sex. You would have to be in like a Denali XL, I feel.

Yes, of course.

With captain's chairs.

I'm not sitting in a fucking sedan.

Not in a car sex. No, you're not in a sedan.

No, no, no, no. We're in a bucket seat of an SUV if like that's happening.

Yes.

I can't even tell you the last time that that has happened. That is some like, you know, coming home from college and like we need like a place to go because I'm like and like, you know, so like, no, that doesn't. Yeah, I can't tell you the last time.

Yeah, I've been re hooking up with this guy who I've known since I was literally 21 and I was so much fun back in the day. And I he'll ask me, like, do you think we can ever like do shit like that again? And I'm like, well, it just seems a little unsafe. The shit we used to do.

You know yeah oh yeah we were talking about how we would literally crawl onto the driver's side on the highway yes like while they're driving yeah oh.

No no yeah okay yeah yeah i've done.

That yeah so unsafe unsafe.

So unsafe um yeah with yeah.

Yeah fun but like and kinky And like, you're glad you survived it so you can talk about it, but.

And yeah, kind of weird driving.

Yeah.

That's all. I mean, it's hot. It's hot.

It's not that crazy. I'm so happy to feel seen right now. When I tell my friends, they're like, lie. You did it like while he was driving. Like I've done it in a car, but not in a moving car while the person's responsible for pushing the gas and steering.

Yesterday, because it was so fun. You're like on the way to a golf tournament.

We were going slow through the mountains because there was road construction.

Oh, that's windy.

Yeah, well, but it was slow, you know, and we were in this traffic. And did you.

Wave at the construction workers as you passed?

I might have made contact.

Oh, you provided them with so many stories. I love that.

Oh my god I'm obsessed with this episode I'm obsessed with this duo what do you guys have planned for the day are.

We going to lunch yeah do you know Sally and I we are immediately going to get a drink it's beautiful here in New York um like you know just like a light jacket and you know man you're feeling you're feeling good uh we're gonna go meet up with a friend or two okay I think Rodrigo just got in town so we're gonna get.

Oh the threesome I die for yeah Please post your little hearts out. I would love it.

I want to see. We always do.

That sounds like a fucking blast. I hope you guys have the best time. Austin, thank you so much for being on the pod.

Thanks, guys.

I loved having you. Sally loved having you. I feel like I was interviewing the both of you.

Sorry.

Well, she's just so good at it.

I just talk a lot. I can't shut the fuck up.

No, I love you for it. That's why we have a podcast.

That's why we've been on TV for so fucking long.

I know.

It's so fun.

You guys, thank you for listening to another episode of Sex Unlocked.

We're going to catch you guys next week. Love you.

Bye.

Sex Unlocked: Let’s Get Testy with Austen Kroll

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