Can That Snake Move | RHOC S20 E15 – Bad TV

Shane walks in and Terry goes, hey everyone, the party's here. Shane's here. Everybody can have fun now. Terry, you are such an asshole.

Shane's like, hey man, how was your day? Oh man, started at 6 a.m. I think I've seen like 16 tits today. Ha ha ha ha.

Hi, hello, and welcome to Bat TV. My name is Dylan. That is Pat.

Great to be here.

We are joined today by me and Pat. And we also have a little guest with us. Two little guests, actually. Jackie is here. Say hi, Jackie.

Say hi, Jackie.

He's never in here. He's not allowed because he smells.

No, I'm always fearful that he'll pee.

Got it. And we also have the cue meister.

Quentin, you want to say hi?

Quentin, you want to say hi? Hi. Hi. Hey.

Quinninator. You know, your sister's first show, hopefully yours goes well. Yeah. I'll say that your sister at three months old created a hostile work environment.

Yeah, she didn't know what was going on. We are here to talk about The Real Housewives of Orange County, a show that is loathed by the two of us, can I say? This was a very good episode of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Oh, you thought so?

I really did think so. Hmm. That was a big sigh from you.

Oh, I kind of forgot what happened. I watched it last week.

Okay. Yeah. Um, uh, no, it was a very good episode. We, uh, we have Jesus jugs at Tamra's THC, uh, launch party launch party. Um, we have some real heavy Emily and Shane stuff tonight. And we also have Tokyo hair actually not making it to the trip to Tokyo, uh, Lots of fun stuff. Shayna Badour asking a Japanese person if the snake has room to move around in the vodka that his dead body is submerged in. There's a lot of really... Can he move? There's a lot of really fun stuff. And very sad to see the beginning of the end of Archie. Oh, yeah. I'm going to give this, because this show is what it is now, I'm trying to come up with a comparison that's not super insulting.

I'm just going to give this episode 100 points.

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

No, it does, because this is as good of an episode as this can do.

He agrees. Well, I was on Kate Casey's show earlier today, and she's convinced... Shout out, Kate Casey. that This next season, they will have everyone back.

Oh, yeah. 100%. You agree with her? Yeah. Bravo is... Bravo has Wendy Osovo back on this television show. A disgusting human being who... And don't come after me if I don't know the particulars about the case and perhaps there was a new... Legal revelation that the insurance fraud or whatever they did is actually not pinned on them correctly.

Oh, are you referring to Potomac? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Like, Wendy, Tamara, Mary Cosby. I understand that Robert Jr. passed away and we have to film it, but like, Bravo is really letting some... not so great people and not so entertaining people on television.

Well, that's the, that's the crime. I will welcome back anybody that's committed a crime, adultery, all are welcome. You're boring. I don't want you on my television. And sorry to bring up Kate Casey again. She had a wonderful, had a wonderful analogy for what's taking place with meatball and Emily. Yeah.

Them being on our TVs, as they've been for eight years, is like going out to lunch with a friend that you've known your entire life. You learn nothing new at that lunch. Yeah. You are more excited about ordering the food and getting a martini.

And you leave and you go, why do I see them?

Well, possibly, or just in my case, some friends that I've known for 30 years. You go out to Laurel Tavern, you watch the game, and you order the mozzarella sticks, and... You say how's work? They say fine. And they say how's the podcast? You say the numbers are up. Oh, good. And then you watch the game. It's not getting to know a new person.

Right.

The only fun is when your friend gets a divorce and they start hitting those dating apps.

Right.

And then they're fun again to hang out with.

I love people that are hitting the dating apps.

But Emily and Meatball are not single.

Emily will be soon. I disagree with you about the divorce. And we're going to get into why I do think that there's real trouble in River City.

Okay, well, this is what I'll say about this episode that was good. Quentin, be professional.

Quentin, you have to be professional.

Please. There wasn't any yelling. There wasn't any yelling. I don't like when there's lots of yelling. There was civil conversation. So for that reason and many more, please, zero knots.

All right, well, let's pick up where we last left off with Jesus Juggs. going to a party and then leaving 10 minutes later. And, and this is one of these things where Johnny J the deplorable Johnny J and his psycho, um, callous calisthenics correspondent wife, you know, they remain unified in front of people. If I respectfully, I get back in that Uber and my wife just pulled this shit and I do not dress up and leave the house to go hang out with these people for 10 minutes, okay?

I wanted... There was an open fucking bar there. Right. You're telling me we couldn't have had, like, a couple of hors d'oeuvres?

I mean, it's nuts. There were canapes that I didn't even get to indulge. We're headed home right now, and we're going to whatever drive-thru I want.

Yeah, that would definitely be one of the... Okay. By the way, so... We did pick up with the brawl, but ultimately, I guess HD is the one to piece out of the argument.

Yes.

Quentin, you're going to have to leave the studio. And mom is not home, so I don't know what you're going to do with yourself.

Quentin, do you want to go out on the street where it's dangerous? I didn't think so. Yeah.

And he means that. Okay. Well, ultimately she pieces out and then I guess you'd say, who was the winner of that argument?

Heather Dubrow.

Well, I'd say who cares?

That's the better question. But if we're forced to pick a winner.

Well, as a viewing audience, I'd say it's us. But imagine being as rich as Heather Dubrow and need to be on TV so bad, you'll dance like a monkey like this to stay on TV.

Well, Heather Dubrow is... She is called the operations queen by Jesus jugs.

Quentin, I'm not going to accept this. You're going to have to go sit on your own chair here.

Yeah. You got to sit in your own chair. Yeah, you have to. All right.

If he squawks anymore, I'll go get him a milk.

Do you need more milk? You drink gallons of milk a day, dude. You've had so much milk.

It's his favorite food.

So Heather Dubrow is accused of looking insecure by Jesus jugs. And Heather walks in. She goes, do I look insecure? It's like, kind of.

Kind of?

That's kind of your whole thing. There's a lot of overcompensating going on.

All right, we're going to pause. I'm going to go get him milk because he will shut up. Sorry.

He's going to go get you milk right now. Okay? Yeah. And we're going to talk about your favorite dinosaurs. Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. So Jesus jugs in a shocking twist, uh, actually leaves the party. Uh, no, I'm kidding. She goes back inside to film and she grabs Heather Dubrow and attempts to resolve this issue. Um, you know, there are very, there are many ways to, to measure the success of, uh, of, of a thing. Um, I don't think by any metric anyone would consider this confrontation a success. The two of them scream each other in part ways once again.

Yeah. She walks off, calls HD delusional. I never liked Jesus Juggs, and I hate her bloated, fake, religious, loser, litigious jerk of a husband.

Litigious people are such just bottom feeders.

Yeah, he sued Shannon Bedore. Uh, Tamrat and of course our, um, our peer, uh, Heather, uh, McDonald.

Right.

And, um, I just, I fucking, I hate that that guy did that. And Jesus Juggs was like co-signing on it too. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

The Bible doesn't say he shall not sue.

I believe he says he shall forgive.

Yeah.

By getting out of his church.

Yeah.

Hey, fuck ass. I heard you lost your virginity to an 80 year old Asian hooker.

Allegedly.

So allegedly. Right, right, right. Bring it bitch. Right.

Now, um, what the two of the, what is this? Uh, what, what is this people magazine? I don't even know what they're discussing. If forgive us, but for people who are like true diehards of this franchise, get in the comments, let us know. Um, they squabble over this thing in the press that, um, I mean, we're here to allegedly accuse Johnny Jansen of losing his virginity to an 80-year-old Asian woman. Not to break down the minutia of public spats between Heather Dubrow and Jesus Jackson. I know that it's on the show, but it's just so not interesting.

And there's so much good stuff this episode.

So they mentioned that? Well, was this before or after that Tamrat says, you know, Alexis, you know, would give, uh, someone the shirt off her back if they asked. I mean, come on guys. And worth mentioning, um, the same person that's saying that immortalize the, uh, nickname Jesus jokes. Yeah.

Tamara says that, uh, that Alexis would help Shannon if Shannon needed help. Hmm. And we don't know these people very well, but we know enough about them to know that that is just a bold-faced lie. And speaking of Shannon Bedore, Shannon Bedore has kind of a fire line. Alexis Bellino heads in. Shannon goes, she needs a storyline. Now, great line, but Shannon does kind of shirk and slunk back immediately after.

She says that.

So just say it with your chest. Yeah.

Also, you have the entire party as your backup crew. It's one against everyone.

Yeah. There's a woman that hasn't been boozing for 60 days. She goes up to Meatball and she goes, I got to tell you, I've been wanting to talk to you. I haven't had a drink in two months. I went to my first function the other night. I felt like I didn't need it. That's fantastic news. We cut to Jen, who Alexis asks her about mending fences with Tamara. And Jen says something about how Jesus Jugs really, really means it.

And Jen says, Enough. Yeah.

By the way, if this was a movie, it'd be called the longest goodbye.

We moved to Carmela who's in her Tokyo hair and the Tokyo hair is working. She is, she is. A bit of a smoke show, this woman. I mean, she's really doing all the right stuff. Now, Eddie and Tamara take the stage, and they thank Elizabeth Vargas for her hospitality, and they rip THC seltzers. Eddie continues to be filming and be a big part of this Tamara story arc, so I think they're doing okay.

Yeah.

Shane saunters into the party like a goose about three hours in.

Terry's very happy to see him. Terry's like, hey, man, great to see you, man. It's so good to see you. And he's like, why is this fucking asshole here? Luke better not call me or I'm going to be pashed.

He goes, you just got here? Yeah, I mean, I have kids. And Terry, in just the most I could totally see where Shane's coming from, and I totally see where Emily's coming from. I see both sides of the street, but this is the reason why Shane doesn't want to be at this party. Shane is very insecure. He's very tired.

He's been emasculated by this season for the last eight years, and he's got to hang out with Terry Dubrow, who is big-timing the fuck out of him. Shane walks in, and Terry goes, Hey, everyone! The party's here. Shane's here. Everybody can have fun now. Terry, you are such an ass.

Shane's like, Hey man, how was your day? Oh man. Started at 6 AM. I think I've seen like 16 tits today. Yeah.

It's a really cool life. He lives now. Um, I, this is where I say, I get where Emily's coming from because he's just so miserable and he's using the kid's, Shane doesn't want to do any of this stuff. And we'll get into their marriage in a little bit. Shane is over this thing that has been taking his wife away from their family.

I have an idea. My wife and I probably make about one-fifth of what these two idiots are given by their parents in whatever she makes for this. Hire a nanny. We have a part-time nanny.

But that's the thing. Shane is like, I don't understand... I guess we can talk about this now. We'll probably hit it again, but you know what? Let's just wait. We get to Shannon and poor Archie. We had this with our dear savey boy strokes. It's usually the beginning of the end and you know, it's just heartbreaking. And the good news is that We know that Archie's in a better place.

He is in a better place now. So she describes him having a seizure, and it was in the middle of the night. His eyes were in the back of his head. So she did what any loving parent of a pet lover would. She grabbed a bottle of Pinot. She laid by his side and kept him company all night. What's that, Archie? This is from heaven. He said, um, if she wasn't so fucking wasted, she would have taken him to the fucking vet.

Yeah. Which is true. You know, he is in a better place, but he's still a little vengeful. He's got an ax to grind. And, and that makes me sad because once you get to the pearly gates or, or beyond them, you would hope that grudges be gone.

Right.

But, uh, no, no, let's get to Ryan's daughter and the, uh, aesthetic lounge with, uh, Emily and, uh, and Jen. Um, They hand her their trash, and we get to marriage talk. Emily says, hey, really quickly, can I be extremely pushy to you about your marriage? Because you don't have a date. You don't have invitations. Do you think you're the problem?

My God.

Good to see you, too. Yeah, this is the, I want to stay on this goddamn show, Emily. This is the new Emily that's going to do anything and everything, be completely not herself, be insulting, be pushy, and it's completely coming from nowhere. So it makes no sense.

It might be her genuine self, though. We don't know. We meet Dr. Zodati, and we, listen, I don't want to judge, but this man whose tongue is swollen because he's injected so much Botox in his face, I think he should have some reservations about what he's doing. These two women are gorgeous. And it is a marketplace. There is supply and demand. And if someone is Sunset Boulevard psycho about their aesthetics, he is there to indulge their paranoia.

You know what this procedure that he does is? It's called Threads.

What is that?

Well, they go underneath your skin and it's like threading underneath the muscles.

Oh, it's like sewing. Sewing.

Yep.

Huh? It's like, uh, it's like, uh, like a drum skin.

I don't know what that is.

Well, a drum skin, like a, like a bongo.

Oh, and then you tie them together in the oven and they cook together.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's kind of temporary. You've got to come back and do it.

Well, that's the problem. Jen is looking at a tiny wrinkle on her temple and going, I need to pay you $ 40, 000 to get rid of this. And he says, were you not just raided by the FBI? And she goes, no, those were my husband's or my fiance's partners. Yeah. We have plenty of credit cards.

Yeah, I was going to say, if you're going to spend $ 40, 000, don't get rid of the wrinkle. Get rid of Ryan. Right?

Yeah. Yeah, it's probably a better waste of money or use of money, I should say. But yeah, you don't need to cut and suck your skin back. You guys are gorgeous. Now, we get ready for Tokyo. And the ladies all arrive at the private lounge. We get a call from Carmela, who knows that if she went on that trip when they landed, she would be rushed to the hospital. She also could not get her ADHD meds, which...

I know that Carmella is flipping. And she's not just a former beauty pageant turned playboy turned, you know, idle hands. You're you're banging Adderall to stay as thin and beautiful as you are. You do not need that Adderall, but you might be addicted to it at this point. So you definitely do need it. Regardless, this whole thing is very Howard Hughes to me. She's pissing in bottles and will not fly across the Pacific ocean.

And her toenails are ghastly.

Was Howard Hughes toenails ghastly?

He would not cut them. Um, I have another theory, Dylan, although yours is, uh, I hadn't probed that went down that alleyway, yeah but i like it um just like when she got pulled over and didn't have a driver's license or registration for that car and i guess she's so hot the cops said fuck it uh the rest of us would have had our car impounded but whatever uh i don't think she has a passport and i think there's something sketchy going on.

Yeah, there's something really weird going on because I have many friends that have gone to Japan. All of them. Everyone's on GLP-1s in Adderall. Everybody you know.

They flew to Tokyo.

Just put the pills in your bag. It's fine. Vicky is the only one who is happy about this because Carmela is a Debbie down.

Well, but okay. So did, do we already cover that? She called and said, I'm not fucking.

She's not going.

Okay. Yeah. There's a laundry list of excuses, but remember, yeah, I, I, I just, there's an Irish saying, Uh, it's fucking for, it's, uh, sketchy, which is, I think the dog is buried here. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Well, speaking of the dog being buried, uh, Shannon breaks the news to the gang. Archie has brain cancer.

Well, thanks a lot, Debbie Downer.

Here's the crazy thing about, okay. You look at the two predicaments of the two women, Shannon, who's kind of comfort totem is dying. Shannon Bedore is on the bubble though. She's a hundred thousand dollars in debt. Shannon needs to go to Japan. She cannot not film. She cannot Jesus jugs herself out of this trip.

I had not, you know, once again, Dylan, I had not put that in a factor because I, personal story, 2018. You're never flying.

And not when the dog is this sick.

Spot is on death's door.

Yeah.

And that particular month is, It was April and May. Your wedding, by the way, was one of them on Saturday, April 14th?

21st.

Sorry. Gary's was, I think, the week before.

You don't need to apologize for not knowing the exact date of my wedding.

So I, every weekend, am flying out of here, whether it be New York, San Francisco. I had a business trip in Palm Springs. And I remember leaving New York City for a Corolla drinks event. And the person I was working with was fucking rip shit pissed because he's like, we have a fucking free night here. And I'm like, I called our, whatever the booking person, I secretly behind his back and said, can you get me a plane out of here right now? Yeah. And I got back and called my wife on the way. And she said, he is spot was, and I got back just in time.

Yeah.

It's a, you know, he died.

You'd never let yourself live that long.

No. And I felt guilty every weekend that I'd go away because I was terrified that that would be the weekend that.

I wasn't here. But Shannon is on the bubble.

That's what I'm saying.

And if she doesn't have this, the IRS is really going to win the war. Okay. And collections and all of it. Condemned, repossessed, all of it. So that lends even more perplexion, if that's a word, to Carmela's situation because you... Or a brand new housewife.

How dare you?

How dare you? Something must be really wrong in your head or legally wrong for you to not fly to that country. Weird. Now, we land in Japan. Vicky ate some bad sausage on the plane. And Jen is trapped in a vehicle with these two orcs, Vicky and Shannon Bedore, burping and farting and shitting and puking all over the place. Now, we get to the rooms and Emily and Meatball are going to be sharing a room And I have to say, Meatball is not on this television program. For all of the effort and the confrontation at dinner tables, she's had about...

I don't know, an episode and a half where she's been actually featured. She's a friend of at this point.

I agree. Now, the drama starts with Tamrat mentioning that Emily won't shut the fuck up about how annoying Shane is. And don't you guys have enough money, as I pointed out, to get a nanny at this point? Just seems... Maybe get less plastic surgery.

I want to, I want to talk about Emily and Shane because we're going to get into the whole divorce thing right here, but we get ready for a night out. Shannon comes down. She looks like saltwater taffy and the women think she looks hideous. I don't understand fashion because Shannon looks like she's dressed like any in any one of the ludicrous outfits that these women wear all the time.

I don't understand why this one is bad. Um, but we do a four course meal. And we speak on a couple of things that happened in the past. One, Vicky consuming whale blubber and going to the hospital. Do you remember this? I do.

That was Iceland. It was one of the worst girls trips ever. They were in the middle of nowhere in Iceland in this dumpy, broken down hotel. It just, it was horrible, but it was horrible good. And of course, Vicky being wheeled out on that stretcher was pretty funny.

Uh, we, we quickly move on to, um, the ladies critiques of the amenities offered in prison, which.

Is, well, how would they know that? Well, we, uh, go back to, uh, dueling DUI stories, which were hilarious. And I wish the editors would have let this, uh, little convo, uh, play out a little bit more.

Yeah. I think Shannon or I think it was Shannon said, um, the officer told her that this was the nicest, biggest jail cell they had. And for her to take a look. And when she went in, they slammed the door on her. Okay. You're, you're trapped now. So we speak on Jesus jugs and the word fleckless, but I want to get to this Shane and Emily thing. And I know that you, you're probably right because all the women who have been divorced at this table, they say, Don't do it. It's horrible.

Just stay together.

Stay together with that fucking loser.

Vicky, stay together with the bankroll. You're not getting this kind of security anywhere else. If you need to have extramarital affairs, go ahead and do it. Talk to Shane. Just figure out how to make this work because you are getting... bankrolled, okay? Do you know the stresses of life? Having to make an income, pay for children, education, taxes.

You don't have to do it. Make it work.

It is the number one thing that people list as part of their issues in their marriage is finance. By the way, when they bring up Emily's horrible marriage as a topic to discuss at the table, Emily is very happy to chat about it. Very happy.

Well, you know who else is really happy to chat about it? Tamara, who has no reservations about communicating about their failed marriage on television. Now, here's the thing with... I guess I'll just do this now. I think that there's actual trouble with the two of them. Because. I think that the thing that would make the other person happy would make the other person miserable. What does Emily want to do more than anything?

Be on TV.

Be on TV. Shane hates her. We wake up the next morning, she gets a FaceTime from Shane. He does not want to speak to her. Why? Because she's on another one of these trips and he's dealing with the kids. This is not a good time to be speaking to to Shane right now because you're doing the thing he hates you the most in life for. If, and you, again, Shane is like, you don't need to do this. I have Persian parents that are literally living in the Gilded Age still. So we do not need to do this.

The thing that would help more than anything is her stopping filming. She would be back in the house. She could do her you know, defense funds and whatever clerical philanthropy, whatever she wants to do. But that would mean that the thing that Emily wants more in life than anything is gone. And where do the iron sights go? But right to Shane, you ripped this away from me. You made it unworkable. And because of you, I'm no longer on television.

I want a divorce.

I think these two are going to get divorced.

And so she gets two years off. Bravo gives her a two years off and they get a divorce and then she comes back as a single woman.

Right.

I want to watch that. I do too.

I kind of want to watch that. Right.

Yeah. But I don't want to watch this version of her.

Um, okay. So we go to a temple. This is genius.

7-Eleven. Is that what we're referring to 7-Eleven now?

Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I completely skipped over the 7-Eleven and the night out. Um, Because this is very, very important to discuss.

And this is so one of these housewives. I don't know if an assistant said, hey.

It's all of her, so. media. It is? The egg salad thing, yeah.

At 7-Eleven in Japan?

Yeah.

Okay.

They're supposed to be fantastic. And I'm sure that if you ate them, you would say, this is a better egg salad than I would get at 7-Eleven in the States, which I would never do. unless I had not eaten for literally a month and a half. So it's probably a six out of 10, but the, the ladies and Heather leads this charge. Thank thankfully for her. She goes, we're here in a new city. This is our first night.

We got to go out. And what does Vicky do? If I, if I go out and drink, I won't, I won't be able to get out of bed. Then do me a favor, go to Mexico, kick your feet up, forget to pay the people you want to massage your feet and get off TV. If you don't have it, don't come. She's so bad.

She's tired.

She's exhausted. Her legs are swollen. She can't walk. This is really, really bad.

I love this bar, a six person bar. Yeah. We have one of these with not like snake heads and jars. It's called the Tiki bar. I think about eight people fit in that fucking place.

I can't stand these Tiki bars. The only reason I can't stand them is because it's not... The math isn't mathing. This is the same reason I don't like pulling numbers in our degrading society. I don't trust people's moral compasses. You go in and listen... You go in, you get in the tiki bar. I understand you want to be there for a little bit. But there's a line of 100 people outside. We can't be here getting zombie after zombie after zombie. And next thing you know, you've been occupying the seats for an hour and a half. And there's not enough turnover at these tiki places. I got to be at carousel hours at these tiki places. Otherwise, I'm not going.

I understand.

So we wake the next day. We get a FaceTime from Shane. And we go on to this temple.

Shane, why can't I see you, you annoying piece of shit? Oh, Gina's there. You got it, girl? You're the best mom. I fucking hate her.

We get some news of some fortunes that we're going to be getting, and there could possibly be bad fortunes. Heather is asked what her bad fortunes would look like. A world with no champagne. Wow.

What a horrible world that would be for her.

A ground floor apartment. This is my problem with... If you're wealthy, just read the room a little bit better. You just got to read the room a little bit better. Like rich friends will talk about like, it's a starter home. what'd you pay? It's 1.8. It's, it's just, we, we want, we want a bigger spot, but we're, the market's crazy right now. We're just, we just slotted in for a little starter home or we're, we're going to have another, another kid. It's just like, can you actually die? Can you jump off a hill and die please? Okay.

Uh, Tamrat, uh, her fortune speaks to her. Um, That her daughter.

Yeah.

Things that won't happen.

Do you want to do a Japanese voice talking about?

No, no.

Okay.

But eventually her daughter, Sydney, will speak to her. Yeah.

Vicky gets a fortune as well. And she attempts to prevent Meatball from reading it by scrunching the paper. But Meatball carries on and says, this says you're senile. And Vicki snaps quietly. She says, don't say that. She goes, it's not me. It's the fortune. And the fortune is so bad that Vicki says, whoever wrote it should be fired. Now, these are the moments where you go, okay, Vicki can film still, but I don't know. She's a little bit like a veteran running back. Like you can't handle the full workload.

Oh, absolutely not. I thought ending the show with Emily's was the best. It said, Emily's told her she'll be unemployed soon.

Yeah, really sad, really brutal fortunes. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. I actually really enjoyed this episode. Let us know if you did. How many pots? How many tits? We love you guys very much. Quinny is out. The sounds of a sleeping child. It's just the cutest thing in the world because, one, it's so cute. They're resting. You're so happy that they're sleeping.

They're dreaming. But the best thing is.

They're leaving you alone. It's amazing.

Let's go to bed.

Go to bed. Take a nap.

Go to fucking bed. See you next week.

Terrorist.

I'm going to see you. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Can That Snake Move | RHOC S20 E15

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