Have More Faith | Below Deck S13 E1

0:00 All right, so Rainbow is given the second stew position, and Rosa says, I hope this doesn't get to her head. We cut from that wish, or hope, dare I say, to Rainbow in a talking head interview saying, you know, it's essentially like if Thanos, like when Thanos gets all of the stones, this is this moment where she's like, I can make this boat mine now. Hello and welcome aboard another brand spanking new episode of Bad TV. I am Dale. That is Pat.

0:54 Great to be here. Permission to come aboard.

0:55 We're launching, dare I say, voyaging into a new season of Below Deck Reg. Captain Kerry is here. Phrase is back. Rainbow's back. We've got a whole new cast of Sea Rats, but... Before we move forward, last week while I was in Virginia, we had a little moment where some fans had tipped you off onto the failings of one producer, Kalen. He was making you look... Fat. I disagree, but your beauty is yours to behold. So I thought that we had come to terms with a very painful decision that we were going to fire producer Kalen because he was useless.

1:41 He was not doing his one job, which is to make you look good. In fact, was making you, in your words, fat looking. So why is he here?

1:50 Because in your absence in the past week, Kalen has come in here, and we reworked the lighting. I am very satisfied with my new face. Go to YouTube.

2:00 Watch us like a movie.

2:02 Yeah, watch us like a movie. This is a reason for you guys to get over there and subscribe. Watch old Patty's new face.

2:08 Watch old Patty's new face over there at YouTube, Bad TV. I don't know. Like you would a whale fall or something like that. Just go over there and check it out.

2:16 Just making movies out of like ideas in a concept room. Hey, what if you got sucked into a whale's mouth? I smell two and a half hour movie. That's what I smell.

2:27 Yeah. I think, I mean, Kalen, uh, I'm kind of jonesing to go see it.

2:31 I really want to see it.

2:32 I'm excited.

2:32 I want to see how you make a two-and-a-half-hour movie out of a dude going in a whale's mouth.

2:37 It's a book. I think there's some familial father-son pain that he has to reckon with to get out of the whale's asshole or something like that. But we're going to talk about Below Deck before. We do. Pat, tell them what is coming.

2:50 Oh, my God. What isn't coming? We're going to be recapping more shows that we're not. That's a much better question.

2:54 What isn't coming?

2:56 Okay. This week they drop Love is Blind Boston. I'm from Massachusetts. I'm not from Boston. I grew up about 45 minutes away from Boston. I might as well have lived in Alaska because it's nothing like living in Boston.

3:07 Right, right, right.

3:07 But I know the people from there, and it's going to be a great season. I've already looked at the cast. There are some lookers there. And we're going to be recapping the first couple episodes. They'll be free. The rest of the episodes will be behind a paywall. So come support us there. It's some of our best work. We are very snarky with that particular show. And how can you not be?

3:26 In a word. In a word. I was in Boston yesterday, actually. Layover. We'll get into the show, but I saw a woman today in the same regalia. What are your thoughts on Harvard merch?

3:40 Harvard merch?

3:42 People wearing Harvard merch out in the wild. Because it's like, I don't want you to be embarrassed. It's nothing to be embarrassed. It's a great achievement to have gone to that hallowed institution. But where are those t-shirts? It's kind of like, what is the fuck?

3:59 I don't know. It kind of says, I'm better than you.

4:03 Yes, it does. You know who they are better than, probably? Searans.

4:07 Yeah.

4:07 Of course.

4:08 Probably.

4:08 Well, let me continue. We are also doing The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

4:12 Oh, yes. That's right.

4:13 We are also doing Traitors, which for now is going to be free.

4:17 Traitors, New Blood, a.k.a.

4:18 Normies.

4:19 That's right. Great show. And we're also doing Real Housewives of Orange County, which is a total shit show and a hate watch. And we hate covering it, but I think we only got four episodes left.

4:26 Yeah.

4:27 And I think that.

4:28 About covers it. Yeah, Emily's child has an aversion to French fries, is also going through a very, very tough time in his life. It's very sad.

4:34 Right.

4:36 So that's great. And then Traitors, there was a guy that actually farted while he was trapped inside a coffin.

4:42 He, yeah.

4:44 I mean, think of that, right? He'd do that, yeah. All right, so we are setting out on a brand new season. It is Below Deck Reg. We've got the whole cast of characters back. What did you think of the first episode, and how many pots would you give it?

5:00 All right, these are my thoughts and thoughts, and I may go long here, but it's the beginning. It's the first episode. I'm very excited.

5:06 Can I, I want to tell the fans about this beautiful gift that you got me. Really? I don't think they care. You got me a collector booster, a pack of the, the new Hobbit from magic, the gathering. And I just love the guy. I mean, it's so thoughtful. You went in there, you said, what, what should I get for a nerd?

5:26 My exact words.

5:27 Love you. All right, let's get into it.

5:29 All right.

5:30 What can I say? We're in Phuket, Thailand, uh, not a place you can tiptoe into, uh, said by Captain Kerry.

5:37 Yeah.

5:38 Not because of all the fucking sandwiches everywhere, including those face masks that people wear. We saw that on the first five minutes of the episode.

5:45 Okay. It's a place... Sorry, and I know that these are your pots, and you said that you were going to go long, but you've been to Thailand.

5:53 I have.

5:54 I've not. When you say there's sandwiches everywhere, what does that mean?

6:00 Well, they make a lot of stuff out of it, like that face mask.

6:03 Okay. Mm-hmm.

6:05 May I continue? Okay, it's a place of noise. I'm still quoting Captain Carey. A place of noise, lights, and that James Bond island. Fun fact. Also a place where about a thousand people died in that 2004 tsunami.

6:19 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear it's tough out there.

6:21 No, no, no. You wouldn't know it because there's no fucking monuments, no memorial statues. In fact, there's not a single trace that anything bad ever happened there. Why, you might ask.

6:32 Why is that, Pat?

6:33 Because it's bad for fucking business. The way they make their money there is tourism. Why the fuck would you remind people that a thousand lost their lives there?

6:41 It's like what Six Flags is doing with X2. It claims lives almost annually.

6:46 What are you going to do? Are you going to have a memorial of everybody that fucking had brain trauma? Are you going to put up slack there?

6:50 No.

6:51 No. Nothing happened here. Nothing to see. So fuck it. Captain Kerry's here. We love him, Fraser, his snarky self, and we love Rainbow. who appears to always be on a knife's edge of going postal at any moment. And while terrifying, it makes for wonderful viewing. I love it. Also, we love Chef Mo, a bunch of good-looking people who have, no doubt in my mind, are Category 11 on the fucked-up scale.

7:14 Yeah.

7:14 75 knots. Kalen.

7:17 Yeah. Shut up, man. All right, I thought it was a good first episode. I love Captain Carryback, the accent. This boat is, I think, Azul Cinco. It is a pile of shit, okay? This place, the boat, it's old. The engines do not work. The engines work in some rickety kind of steampunk way where you have like three chances to... The inside looks like if the Brady Bunch...

7:50 met a boat. Um, so I'm excited for this to be our home for the next.

7:57 You know, 16, I am as well.

8:02 Um, but yeah, it was a great first, uh, first outing for us. And I'm happy that this cast is back. Can I say with the strength of the season that came before it, one of the best below deck seasons of all time, um, I'm sad that we do not have more of them back. Soleil was never coming back. She's out in left field.

8:27 And to remind everyone, that was the very, very, very lazy French woman.

8:32 Yes.

8:32 Who still apparently haunts Rainbow.

8:35 In a major way. In a lopsided kind of way. Let it go. But Damo and the little lady that was making out with everybody, there were so many of those cast members that I thought were going to come back.

8:54 I hope we get Kyle Cook back.

8:56 Oh, Kyle Cook, yeah. The Scottman. Yeah, the Scottman.

9:00 I went out drinking with him for an entire night. I had no idea what the fuck he was saying. And not because he was drunk.

9:07 No. And I was there for a little bit, and it was difficult to understand him.

9:11 But I love him.

9:13 It's a universal language, man. Love. All right. So let's get into it. How many pots? 81. What a tie to be alive is the title of this episode. And Kerry kicks off the intro package. Thailand. Puket. As you mentioned, the lights, the energy, the men that look like women who you still will absolutely have sex with.

9:40 I noticed when we were there in Phuket, a lot of Australian males go there alone to vacation.

9:47 I am a little creeped out by men that voyage to Thailand. If it's a group, it's a little less weird. um but going solo to thailand um are you there for the cuisine do you love the spicy food.

10:06 Personal story get out of here there is a particular bravo celeb from the early days of bravo that i had kind of befriended as a drinking buddy at laurel tavern.

10:16 Who yearly would go you're going to name.

10:18 Him i I can't, I'm sorry. But, uh, cause I, if you, I bet he'd be litigious if I said his name, uh, he would go there for a month and he would go there for sex.

10:31 Yeah.

10:32 Personal story, uh, too. I, I think I've mentioned this before, but I used to work for the disgraced, um, uh, pedophile, Dr. Bruce Hensel, who was a, uh, uh, I don't know if the, if the, it came out in the Washington court or whatever. He was definitely accused of it though. And, um, He was a medical correspondent for NBC affiliate. And it was my job to send a mass email out to everybody in his contact announcing his new podcast that we were working on. And I, because I smoke so much pot and was so young, I put the entire contact list in the two sections. So everyone could see the email addresses of which there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds.

11:12 There were so many actually that I sent multiple emails because I just couldn't fit that many people in one. But somebody responded to everyone on the email, congrats on the new podcast. Why do you go to Thailand every year for multiple months, you fucking creep? You're a fucking sick fuck. And I was like, how am I not fired from this job? I was not. It was crazy.

11:39 Because you wanted to have sex with him.

11:42 My bad. He did ask me to go in a jacuzzi one evening when i was house sitting i said no okay so um phrase seems to be back in full force and we're just i'm gonna just break down this tease portion it's it's pretty quick but okay um he's talking about how the he hopes the charter guests pass away he's calling the pieces of feces um because frazier is a really interesting character frazier is actually wealthy Now, you know, Fraser has actual class. Now, we have tried to peg down the source of his wealth. I've posited that his father is a clandestine economic hitman. But we don't know him that well. He's not let us in.

12:26 And that family is not on this television screen. But when Fraser interacts with essentially lottery-winning wealth, it's just an interesting dynamic.

12:36 Yeah, he's disgusted by them. It's like a wink and a nod. It's like, I am really rich and I am– Yeah, I'm here for the cameras, and you guys are gross. You know, we skipped over a couple people, though. I want to say some of the other people. Matthew, he's the cocky Australian. He has his own version of Jim Tan laundry, but it's lamer. It's Money Party, Sapphire Cabin, repeat.

12:57 Yeah, I think that he said he was in the top seven percentile of global IQ.

13:03 Okay, we'll be the judge of that. Then we have Jacina. She is a self-proclaimed bro. She'll be a ducky.

13:09 I like Jacina, yeah.

13:10 I do, too.

13:11 She's a fun time.

13:11 Claims to have big balls and likes to twerk.

13:14 Who doesn't love that?

13:16 She's a lookout for this little filly. And then we have Kaylee. Is there another Kaylee here?

13:21 Kaylee is a lover of love. She's very bubbly, and she is a lover of love.

13:25 And also a big drinker and impulsive.

13:27 Yeah. Ooh.

13:28 Yeah, had a little, like, kind of quarter panic attack over the towels not being dried enough, which is kind of like the beginning of a horror movie. You go, oh, something's amiss here. I want to talk about Mo really quickly.

13:42 Oh, sure. If you don't mind, I.

13:44 Please, please, please.

13:45 I'm not going to say I had a long conversation with him, but we exchanged niceties. Oh, great. I'm very much looking forward to him this season.

13:50 Great.

13:50 He arrives, and he clears the air, says he doesn't throw pans or pots, which is very encouraging, from Queens, worked in Mission Star restaurants, and then says... He admits he can't believe he's now working on a yacht, which I wasn't sure if that was an admission of failure or somehow a misguided belief that this was somehow a step forward.

14:08 I think it is not either of those. I think it is an admission of a mistake. Perhaps not a failure, because you're not lost, you're just traveling, right? But it is a mistake.

14:19 So more the former.

14:20 He is an incredibly impressive chef, per se, and Danielle... And he is a new archetype for this television show, which has had a fair amount of issues in the past casting people of color. Mo is a bizarre archetype for this show specifically. He is Queens, New York, black New York, which is so– it is New York, right?

14:46 It's no– there's no grading like the gabagool people that we mock so often on this show. True.

14:52 Okay? Okay.

14:54 But anyways, he's, yeah, I think he'll be a lot of fun. And we now can get into the show, I believe.

15:01 Well, I was going to just cover just one more thing. We get to Alex the bosun, and he's a looker. And so it had me asking, what kind of bosun will he be? Will he be the angry, drunken, womanizing bosun, or will he be? The angry, drunken, womanizing bosun. Which one of those kind of bosuns?

15:20 No, it's a super good question. And it's not something that we're going to find out until probably episode two.

15:26 That's normally when they reveal themselves. Yeah.

15:28 So it's going to take a while, but I think by episode two, we'll know. Let's get to Azul 5.

15:33 Oh, I was going to say, can we.

15:35 What, man?

15:36 Oh, can we get to a very surface level Sea Rat history?

15:39 Yeah.

15:39 He was a travel agent. but wanted to see the world. So he's been yachting for five years in a bosun for one, but, um, he's here. So we haven't scratched the surface of the pain that got him here. Yeah. Boarding school. It's like, basically the story is like starting out the Charles Manson's bio is he was a talented musician that worked with the beach boys. I mean, we're not getting to.

16:02 See rats history. It's a lot like hot pockets. Um, There are like all of these micro ingredients that go into it. But at the end of the day, it's just kind of pork product and cheese. We know what the pillars are of this. It's just pain. It's hot, hot pain. But we'll talk– that was– I'm so sorry for that analogy.

16:26 I think it was more like Charles Manson being a musician. But we'll get to know him.

16:32 Yeah, we'll get to know him. He's very– we'll get to it, but he, he presents the, the age old sea rat dilemma, which is when you are presented with compensated, endless vacation, who can say no. So, uh, we get to a Zool five, um, Spanish for blue five. Um, it's an older vessel. As we mentioned, it's, it's quite trash. Um, but we meet, um, Frazier's gals. Now the first up is our second of the season. Rainbow, uh, Oh, we've also got Kaylee Rosa, who was a chief stew in the past. This is very, very important. Now, Fraser is excited for Rainbow and says that she is not without her faults. And we roll the tape on Rainbow's failed attempts to motivate the lazy French woman. Now, this is...

17:28 It was just crazy. Like, I hadn't thought about it in a while. Mainly, I hadn't thought about it since we stopped watching that season of Below Deck. But it's so... It's such a special and cruel predicament to be in, where you're trying to control and wrangle somebody like that. It's just never going to work. She only cared about smoking and being on television.

17:53 Yeah, I think that was on Rainbow's end. She should have just given up.

17:58 You lose that 10 out of 10 times.

18:01 That's like a roulette wheel. If you bet on red, black, and green, you're going to lose. You know what I mean? So, um, now this first crew meeting, are we there yet with captain Carrie?

18:14 Um, no. Okay. Well, let's see. We, we kind of can. Okay.

18:21 Cause I was going to say, uh, the first crew meeting captain Carrie, he talks about the dangers of Thailand. Uh, if something's off, speak up, blah, blah, blah. And then he says something that I, this is why I love captain Carrie.

18:31 Yeah.

18:32 He says he's here for the money. So let's not fuck that up, everybody, right?

18:36 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

18:37 And I'm glad he said, he didn't lie and say we're here to provide five-star service.

18:43 Yeah.

18:43 Because you're not.

18:44 It's really, really important for Kerry to not, we don't need to go there, right? Okay? It looks like you could shoot a 70s porno in this place, okay? There's shag, it smells like mold, okay? Let's just get through this with as much money as we can. But he says, if you say something, say something. It's fucking crazy time.

19:06 People driving all over the place.

19:08 The boat doesn't start. Like you just bought a car in your driveway.

19:12 Yeah.

19:13 It's like, Hey, give it, give it a minute. Give it a minute.

19:15 It's a Datsun. It's an old Datsun, this thing. But yes, we have this meeting and then we break into department meetings. I want to say that, Really quickly before that meeting, you know, Rainbow's arc is going to be controlling rage this season, right? Controlling panic, controlling rage and anger. In the past, she's come perilously close to, I think, physically assaulting other Sea Rats. So this season, she's going to try to tamp that down, keep Jekyll. away. And her first opportunity, she's just, she's a bristly character, okay? Rosa comes on the boat and it's somehow conveyed that they can't room with one another.

20:08 Mm-hmm.

20:08 And Rainbow goes, probably for the best. And then just like walks away in silence. And Rosa's like, what are you talking about? And she's like, well, I mean, if we're going to be working with each other, I don't think we need to be too close. It's like, well, welcome to the boat, best friend.

20:23 Also worth mentioning, I really like Rosa. Ten years experience and right out of the gate when she learns that for some reason Rainbow's going to be her boss.

20:33 Yeah.

20:36 Takes it much better than our last soiree into this.

20:42 We've got tandem hierarchical disorder. Yeah. It's a little bit like that cars ride in California Adventure. You know what I'm talking about?

20:51 Well, is this the one where they kind of move like in sync with one another?

20:55 Yeah, you like go like that?

20:56 Yeah.

20:56 Yeah.

20:57 You know it's $ 300 now? I think they increased the price to like $ 280 to $ 300.

21:02 I don't know how families afford it.

21:03 You guys been to Disneyland? You been to Disneyland recently?

21:06 Yeah, but they did a great deal for kids over the summer, so those were only like $ 55.

21:10 Oh my god, over summer?

21:12 Yeah, it was just a summer deal.

21:15 What are the lines like in summer?

21:17 No, we went when America was playing Mexico in the World Cup and we averaged.

21:21 Two rides an hour.

21:22 It was phenomenal.

21:25 Wow, great call.

21:27 That's That's a great call. I don't know that we played Mexico. It was some kind of game. Anyways, we break out into department meetings. Fraser seems fairly chill heading into the season. He's a vet at this point. I mean, how many seasons has he been on now?

21:45 At least five.

21:47 Kaylee literally can't do anything, I think, but fold.

21:53 Laundry. I don't think she can do that.

21:55 No, no, no. So she can't do anything. But they say it's not rocket science and it's not, it is folding, which is rocket science to me. I got to tell you, girl. Um, and also, you know, we famously say that, you know, cleaning shit out of a sink faucet is not difficult. Um, technically it's just disgusting, but that is, that is their call to, uh, to pick up. So she's going to do fine now. um we get to a meanwhile meanwhile um and you stop me wherever rosa's british justinia worked on a tugboat and this is we get justinia's notes entry um of all of the things that uh.

22:43 Her disgusting male co-workers have said.

22:44 To her specifically yeah men on tugboats now now we've talked about um fishing and vessel people before, uh, they're strange, they're strange breed and, uh, and they're filthy. Now, some of the things that she was rattling off were, were truly horrific, uh, chief, uh, among them being evidently she was wearing knee pads and they said, you know what those are for? Um, those are for getting raises.

23:13 Um, some joke writers on that boat.

23:16 Uh, I mean, that makes me want to punch, right? But whoever said that is probably a pretty sturdy, thick drunk that works on a tugboat that could beat the shit out of me. So I'll just say, gross, you got to do better. Fraser starts to prime Rainbow for the second stoop position. Pat, was he overwhelming?

23:42 I don't think so. Is this where this triggers Rainbow, causing her to take a moment to catch her breath?

23:49 Yeah, she does a kind of like close examination of her face and her state in the bunk and then slinks down into half meditation, half panic attack. However you do it, just, you know, you do it.

24:02 It's crazy because, yeah, Soleil, I don't think she knows what longing effects she had on this poor girl.

24:12 Soleil does not remember her name. So, I mean, God knows what she's doing. I think it has to do with wine.

24:22 Or a cigarette.

24:23 Both.

24:25 Now, yeah, so she sits down, she melts a little bit, and then we get to... Oh, this was my favorite part. What's this?

24:32 This was Yesenia, I think, and James. They're having a pretty candid conversation for your first day on the job. They're both single, and we learn they're both sexually fluid.

24:44 Oh, that's right.

24:45 Yeah, yeah.

24:45 And then James tells us, he gives me the best quote I've heard in a long time. He says, the more doors you leave open, the more keyholes you have to have sex with. Great quote. I'm going to use it.

24:55 Yeah, no, that's a really, really incredible and powerful quote. But the most powerful aspect of all of this is these two kids. You know, it's very hard to shake off the constraints of society. You know, people say you got to do this. They say you got to pay taxes. You got to just go, no, I'm not paying taxes.

25:14 And guess what else? I'm going to have sex with everything. It's really powerful stuff.

25:20 James is here. He's just living free.

25:23 Yeah.

25:24 I love a person who can just kind of like a leaf, just float with the wind. I really envy that. Although I don't think it ever ends well.

25:34 No, leaves have to kind of hit the ground at some point.

25:38 Yeah, they usually end up dry and crumbling somewhere.

25:41 Yeah, and then if you're in Los Angeles, a filthy fucking bum lights them on fire. And we all have to evacuate. I saw that driving in, so that's why it was on my mind.

25:51 You triggered your memory.

25:52 Yeah, I was like, wow, that's a pretty big fire you got there.

25:54 Next thing you know, you're black smoke. You're burning down someone's roof. Hey, that's not why I was here. I was meant to float through the wind. fucking bums.

26:07 Dude the worst I can't stand bums okay alright so yes we get to the preference sheet meeting we should say that throughout this entire episode that he is trying to kill Mo he is just so hot but yes we get to the first preference sheet meeting of the season we should do it for real Kaelin Connison three two No, kind of like more jazzy, please.

26:40 Three, two, one.

26:41 The Preference Sheet Manic! Great job, fantastic job. So we learn a little bit about the folks that are coming on. They are South Carolinians, and the primary's wife has a severe nut allergy. Now, Mo takes allergies very seriously, as everyone. as any good chef usually does, you know, it's very like, I don't know. Do we really need to make fun of the, the nut people? Like chefs don't, don't jive with any of the world. We're making fun of people.

27:17 It's just like somebody has a nut allergy. It's pretty fucking serious. It's just clear the nuts out of the place.

27:21 You know, as I was watching this, my first reaction was how fucking annoying are these people? You got to eat a, like, Go through the entire boat to remove every trace of a fucking nut. But as the audience knows, old Patty's a walking contradiction because Brazilian nuts can kill me. What happens if I'm even near a fucking Brazilian nut?

27:44 The first thing that happens is my face swells up. Then I can't fucking breathe. Then my throat tightens to the point where no oxygen is flowing. Next thing you know, I'm fucking dead, and the first thing that people see is my big fucking fat face, and they step over my dead body. So I should take this stuff seriously.

27:59 And not to mention, they step over your fat, disgusting body. They go, what happened to that fat, disgusting person? And they say, he actually passed away by eating a Brazilian nut, which is not the way you want to go out. It's not gallant or anything. Everything about this, they go, everything about this is so fat and gross.

28:17 Oh, gross.

28:18 You are blessed, though, to be– if there was going to be one nut, it would be the Brazil nut because it's just too much nut. It's way too much nut. I don't know how people eat them.

28:32 So many people are allergic to it that they really pulled it off out of the marketplace of a lot of things. It used to be in a Ben & Jerry's ice cream called Rainforest Crunch.

28:42 God, do they do magical things over there.

28:45 Yeah.

28:46 Not to go down this rabbit hole too deep, but I feel like Brazil nuts were more common in a nut mix than they have been of late. And perhaps it's the allergy. It must be the allergy, but there's also, I think that everybody went through, when you get that handful and there's a Brazil nut, it completely throws the balance of the nut pile out of whack. Have you had a Brazil nut?

29:14 I have not.

29:15 Oh, my God. It's just way too much nut. All right. So we move past that, and we get to a little bit more about these folks. It's called Kenny Flowers.

29:32 Yeah. Well, it's also worth mentioning, the guests won a cabaret show, and Carrie describes Thailand as a starting place for.

29:41 Earth, right?

29:42 That's how it looks. And I agree. I remember thinking besides the potential for a catastrophic death and horrors not seen in centuries, why wouldn't everyone want to live here? This place is a fucking paradise.

29:53 Yeah. And they have great burgers and you know that. How are the burgers in Thailand?

30:05 I'll say this. McDonald's that you can order there does not taste like McDonald's. And it shouldn't. That was my fault for going to McDonald's in Thailand.

30:15 You felt that they were underachieving their chemical-laden slot that we get in America. Yeah. Okay, got it. Yeah, so we'll learn more about them. The preference sheet is really about the nuts. It's really about the nuts. Mo is a little anxious about the amount of food, and we get to a little Sea Rat history here. It's a little mini one. He said that he used to make $ 15 an hour. Pat, where does that rank?

30:42 Well, it goes deeper than that if we're going to go through a little Sea Rat history here.

30:46 Yeah.

30:47 Okay, so learned cooking from his mom.

30:51 A Dominican woman.

30:52 Right, where she told him his cooking tasted like his grandma's. And that was it. He was destined to be a chef. But that doesn't explain why he's on this boat.

31:03 Yeah, and you got that slightly– we're in a post-fact era, so I think that we can just say whatever we want. But his daughter had mentioned– he had his daughter very young when he was 19, and she said that this tastes like grandma's. And that gave him the conviction to keep going. Now, it's a beautiful story and all of that.

31:25 Where does that rank on the Sea Rat sad scale?

31:27 Oh, it's a zero.

31:28 Right.

31:29 No, no, no, no, no, no. It's not sad at all.

31:32 Am I? I'm getting– I think I'm getting my categories fucked up here.

31:38 I think that– Sea Rat sad scale. And sad needs to be like traumatically like sad, not like uplifting sad.

31:48 So there's Sea Rat history, and then if it's sad, this is where I'm getting confused, because Sea Rat history, it so often is.

31:55 His daughter said, your cooking tastes like grandma. He was so excited.

32:00 He was inspired.

32:01 He ran into the room to tell his mom what his daughter had said. She had a heart attack once she heard the news and died on the floor. That's sad.

32:09 Right.

32:10 One point.

32:11 One point.

32:12 But that didn't happen.

32:13 How did we get to three?

32:16 I mean, we're going to get dark here.

32:18 Yeah, yeah.

32:19 He has a heart attack.

32:20 Okay, got it.

32:22 Lives.

32:24 But loses custody. Yeah.

32:30 I mean, that might be a three and a half, but we're going dark places.

32:33 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And five would be untold horrors. Mm-hmm. Five would be, I mean.

32:43 We've never gotten to five. So I don't know. There might not even be a such thing as a five.

32:48 Do you know The Strangers, the movie The Strangers?

32:50 Yeah, I don't like that movie.

32:55 Me neither. It scares me terribly. But if they broke into his house and, you know, did their thing, and then when he was tied up with everyone dead around him, they tried his food and they said, this tastes like a Dominican grandmother made it. That would be a five.

33:10 Or, to continue this.

33:12 Yeah.

33:17 Why'd you do this to us? We smelled Dominican food.

33:20 Right, right, right. We love Dominican food. You were home.

33:26 Oh, God.

33:27 That movie scares me so much. It's spooky season. If you really want to get the bejesus scared out of you, watch that movie. Rainbow is given the second position. Oh, tease, tease, tease, tease.

33:37 Join our Patreon. In October, Pat does PMZs where I do a spooky section. This year, I'm going to do, I'm sorry, this next episode is, did you know that Charles Manson was a Scientologist? I do a whole deep dive in that.

33:54 Yeah. Yes.

33:55 He was at the top ranking Scientology and one of his members, lesser known dude who just died this past month in jail. He had killed two people that were not the Bianca's and not the Sharon Tate murders. He was also a Scientologist.

34:09 Did you run into any government programs while you were doing your research? No.

34:14 Okay. Anyway, check that out.

34:17 All right. So rainbow is given the second stew position. And Rosa says, I hope this doesn't get to her head. We cut from that wish or hope, dare I say, to Rainbow in a talking head interview saying, you know, it's essentially like if Thanos, like when Thanos gets all of the stones, this is this moment where she's like, I can make this boat mine now. I think it has gone to her head. Now... We head down for the evening, and Alex, based on essentially nothing, gives Matt, the seven percentile genius from Seth Africa, the lead deckhand position. Now, I say it's based on nothing. It's not. It's based on his CV. But as we found out so many times on this television program, These curriculum, however you say it,

35:21 the resumes are worth less than the paper that they're printed on. I mean, these are just fraudulent documents time and time again. Yes, they are. So we'll see.

35:31 And also, we'll learn, little Matty here, boy, a mutiny is afoot. You give these guys a little.

35:40 That's the thing, dude. You can't just go ahead and give someone stripes. You have to suss out whether or not There are people that are almost as competent as them, but not trying to go after your job. In which case, you always just pick that person. So next morning.

35:59 Next morning.

35:59 We learn about Arnov. What is Arnov?

36:06 Is this Rainbow's boyfriend?

36:08 Oh, yes.

36:10 Yeah, Arnov.

36:10 She's got a guy.

36:11 Yeah, she's got a guy.

36:12 And he's got a guy, too.

36:14 But it's on pause.

36:16 I've never heard of that before, but yeah.

36:19 It's on pause.

36:20 He's also got a popular podcast.

36:23 Oh, yeah. Phrase in The Great Matt Rogers is a power couple that I wish would, you know, solidify through a union. I mean, these two should be catty gays together, old on a porch.

36:35 Can I tell you something?

36:36 Love the two of them.

36:37 You can't have two good-looking gays together. One's got to be.

36:40 Uglier than the other. No, I think the gays can't. Mm-mm.

36:43 No, one's got to be homelier than the other.

36:45 Oh, well, this is never going to work. They're both very handsome.

36:47 That's what I'm saying. That's why it didn't work out.

36:50 Well, I don't think it hasn't worked out. I think they were just putting it on a pause.

36:53 No, it's currently, it's off.

36:56 Oh, no. Mm-hmm. Kalen, did you hear about this? I think I did. I remember running across it in our Facebook group.

37:06 Yeah.

37:06 News to me.

37:07 You can't have two good-looking gay guys together.

37:10 I thought. Case could. That's heartbreaking. All right. Maybe. Maybe you and I can pick up our arrows. Get this thing back going.

37:21 You think so?

37:22 Yeah, baby.

37:23 I don't have Matt's number.

37:26 Kalen does. Okay, so let's get to.

37:29 The guests arrive.

37:30 Yes, the heat throughout this episode. Trying to claim the life of Moe's is extremely funny. And then the South Carolinians arrive. Bunch of fucking boat shoe whites, these guys, okay?

37:42 Yeah, yeah. You know, though, they seem nice at first. Now, when they get the grand tour of the boat, I don't know if you– did you notice this? That bar looks like what most people buy at living spaces, and then they put it in the corner of their apartment.

37:56 This place is a pile of shit. I mean, it's a yacht. I was not impressed by the bar. It's a yacht, so it's beautiful. Yeah, can you have a homey yacht there? yachts are not supposed to be homey. They're supposed to be like, there's like a lot of silver and like modernity all over the place, you know? But yeah, these guys walk on the boat. They strike me as, you know, let's say pledge week gets a little out of control. Some people have to collude and make sure that the story of what happened to this young man never sees the light of day.

38:32 Right.

38:33 Also it's, it's crazy to, to, Okay, so these are people that have afforded this vacation via a business called Kenny Flowers. Now, these are people that– I don't know if they're just incredible entrepreneurs or if they have rich parents because this is a business that is employing people, paying taxes to the government. It's all based on an eastbound and down gag.

38:57 So I– I never get it either.

39:01 It's lottery winning wealthy. But listen, they're a fun time and this is where we first see the boat and we've talked about it ad nauseum. Get in the comments. Let us know what you thought about it. But we have to depart now. And this is where we face a little mechanical trouble.

39:18 Let me break it down here. The boat prepares to leave the dock and the hyperdrive shits out on him. And too bad R2-D2 isn't here to help out. Pretty sure that fucking hack J.J. Abrams would have killed him off too. Another blow. character you wish you had a fucking reason to kill.

39:32 You piece of shit. I love how your animus is directed at J.J. I think it's so crazy. Ryan Johnson is the great evil in this saga of mediocrity.

39:45 Oh, I'll get to him.

39:47 Okay. I'll get to him. You know what we were talking about the other day? Kylo Ren dies. No, I don't fucking remember him dying. He's like the main guy in the whole thing. He dies. Nobody remembers it. I mean, it's nuts.

39:59 I don't even remember those movies.

40:01 They're horrible. It's so bad.

40:02 Okay, one note before the boat leaves. Did you notice Captain Kerry helping load the luggage? That's why we like him. He's a good manager. Stay connected with the workers. If you ask someone else to do something, you do it yourself.

40:11 You can't get too detached.

40:13 That's right. That's right.

40:14 Hands dirty. Always. Always.

40:17 All right, so the hyperdrive shits out those stabilizers. No, it wasn't the stabilizers.

40:20 It was the fucking... It was the hyperdrive.

40:22 It was the hyperdrive.

40:22 Yeah.

40:23 Yeah. So anyway, after three goes, it fires up.

40:28 Star Trek. What is the name of the aliens with all the wrinkles in the forehead?

40:34 The... Kalen's got it. Kalen's got it. Kalen's got it.

40:40 Aliens' forehead wrinkles? Yeah, look up Star Trek aliens' forehead wrinkles. You know what I'm talking about?

40:46 Yeah.

40:47 They're like the number one, besides the Borgs, they're like the number one.

40:51 And the Borgs are the bad guys.

40:53 Oh, yeah.

40:53 The Borgs are the bad guys.

40:54 And then Spock is what?

40:56 Klingon.

40:57 He's a Klingon. Okay. Oh, wait. No.

41:00 Oh, no. They're Klingons.

41:02 It's Klingon.

41:02 See, I hate Star Trek.

41:04 It's too smart.

41:06 Star Wars is for dumb people.

41:08 Kaelin, what the hell was going on over there?

41:11 Star Trek Aliens forehead wrinkles didn't produce as many results as I was hoping for.

41:15 Did you know?

41:16 I've said this on the podcast. I was valedictorian of my school. Spock was the keynote speaker. He spoke after I did. And after I got done speaking, everyone's crying. He says, can I just say, I agree with everything that Patrick Hickey just said.

41:32 Oh, my God. It was so nice.

41:33 I got it on tape. I'll play it sometime. I was like, wow, Spock just said that. He's like the all-knowing.

41:39 How have I never heard that story? And that's far and away the most interesting thing about you. Oh, thanks. And a multitude of many interesting things.

41:45 Oh, yeah.

41:45 And then he found me after at the meet and greet. It was really nice to have Spock. God, he has a name, doesn't he?

41:51 Yeah, he's pretty famous.

41:53 He's dead now.

41:53 Leah something.

41:54 Leonard Nimoy.

41:55 Leonard Nimoy, yeah.

41:57 Did you get the vibe that he was making a pass at you? No. No. You sure?

42:01 No.

42:02 Okay. So, we are... in the midst of this hyperdrive issue and carrie describes some kind of fucked out system where he's got like three chances to do this and if he doesn't do it by the fourth time then the thing won't start at all and eventually he gets wash kicked out in the water but has a concern that if this happens in the middle of the ocean they could be fucking pulled out you know and i'm just like wow way to sweep that whole thing under the rug You're not driving to the valley. You're in the middle of the goddamn ocean.

42:41 I don't want to tell Captain Kerry how to do his business because we all know that he knows what he's doing. How about a fucking test drive?

42:49 I know. Captain, the balls on this guy. You've never driven this before? I know everything is.

42:57 Like to these– When I bought my fourth used car, I wasn't taking the guy at his word after I handed him the money. You know what I mean? I took it for a test drive.

43:08 I think you got to look at it like a rental where you go, sure, I'll take that bright blue Chrysler Pacifica minivan. I'll drive that around for a while. But yeah, I mean, when I got my Prius, I test drove it. I get it. It's all bicycles to these yacht captains.

43:28 Yeah, sure.

43:30 Yeah, you might want to go take that out for a spin. Just see how the mirrors are looking to you. We are on our way to... Let me know if you've been here. Kakuta? What is it? Kakuta?

43:43 Tyler?

43:44 Yeah, look up Kakuta, Tyler. Okay.

43:47 I have been to James Bond Island, though.

43:50 Is that? That's from like Dr. No, like Roger Moore.

43:55 I believe it's from the Golden Gun.

43:58 Okay, but that's Roger Moore? Or is that Sean Connery?

44:01 Sean Connery. Sometimes you have to slap a bitch.

44:06 He didn't say that. He didn't?

44:08 No.

44:09 You're defaming those, I mean, very clean words that he used to describe conflict resolution.

44:20 Oh, you like to hit a woman, do you, Sean?

44:22 Was that Babs? It was Babs.

44:24 Oh, yeah, you like that. Yeah, you think that's okay, huh, Sean? Well, no, you know, everyone's, well, they won't shut up.

44:31 I will never take a woman to a golf course. Any of these stupid questions, this is why I don't speak to you. All right. So the gang know a guy that would be perfect for Fraser. I'm wondering if we're not big Southern charm people. I mean, I'm not. I can't speak for you. But I was wondering if the fans were going to be upset with us for missing one of the blondes here for being in season seven.

45:02 I don't know. Let us know if we missed something there.

45:05 Yeah, I think I remember who they were talking about, but I forget.

45:08 But there was a cute little boy on Southern Hospitality, which is the Vanderpump offshoot of that television program.

45:17 Not a Vanderpump offshoot.

45:19 Well, it kind of is.

45:20 It was a copycat, completely separate.

45:22 It's like the Vanderpump of.

45:24 They want to be, yeah.

45:25 Right. Which, those shows get reunions, this show does not. It never ceases to amaze me. But, you know, Fraser is... Fraser's been with Matt Rogers. Fraser is not going to stoop to the levels of, I mean, I know that love is love, but a Southern charm castment and that get out of here. Um, all right. So we get to some sea rat history with Kaylee. Um, she can't do anything. And, um, should we talk about her swimming and how she was conditioned to behave like a dog?

45:55 She spends about two and a half minutes, um, trying to explain to us, um, That she's motivated by a thing called positive reinforcement.

46:04 Yeah.

46:04 But she took about two and a half minutes to explain.

46:07 I have a big issue, and I saw this recently with Colin Kaepernick sat down. It's very controversial. I totally get where he's coming from. But he said in the interview, you know, the NFL owners, you know, it's like he says, if you do well, you'll be compensated. And if you don't do well, you won't be. And similarly, she's like stumbling into this harsh world where it's like a merit-based world we live in. Yeah, if you're not good at something, you will not be rewarded for that. That's right. It's just really, really confusing how confusing she finds it. But listen, child athletics, I mean, it's very, very stressful. And it can really fry the nervous system. We get a little history on Mo. This is where We found out that

47:01 his daughter had likened his cooking to his Dominican grandmother. And we learn about his resume. Danielle and Per Se are two extraordinarily difficult and competitive restaurants. So for him to have cooked at those places is pretty fucking impressive. We learn more about Kenny Flowers. And we get back to this. The swimmer, Kaylee, we get back to this little panic attack that she has with the towels. The towels are evidently not drying fast enough. She has placed, or she has taken some of the towels out of the dryer to expedite the process, and she's realizing that it's not enough.

47:43 I think the important point of this scene and us seeing this is that Rosa is quick to be there to comfort her. So Rosa is a very good stew person. And that's what's going to be odd about this dynamic between her and Rainbow. I think, a little prediction here, Rainbow loses her mind, and Rosa then takes the second or first due position.

48:09 If that is what happens, I just hope, you know, Rainbow, you know, get your cocktail, girl. Like, whatever you need, just like, you know, You're named Rainbow. We can't be.

48:23 Oh, as I've learned. Everyone that their parent named them something, like Happy.

48:28 Right.

48:28 Right? They're miserable.

48:30 Joy. Every Happy I've ever met is such an asshole.

48:32 I've never met a girl named Joy that's joyous.

48:35 Grace.

48:36 Oh, yeah.

48:36 They never have Grace.

48:37 I was going to say Big Dick, but nobody said that.

48:43 That's what I said. I wanted my nickname to be Big Dick Pat in college.

48:48 Yeah. The reality of certain situations, it really collides. And we've talked about it. We don't need to talk about it anymore. Patrick and I are Irish.

49:01 God punished us. It's all right.

49:05 We're married. It's fine. It's completely fine. What happens next?

49:10 You learn how to eat pussy. Oh, I thought you were asking what happens when you're born with five and a half inches.

49:19 Sorry.

49:20 What happens next? Oh, boat dogs.

49:23 You learn how to eat pussy and you develop a sense of humor because otherwise you are just rat fuck. There's nothing you can do. With this disgusting equipment.

49:32 You work with what you got.

49:33 Yeah. All right.

49:35 Matt is experienced, and he doesn't like Alex because he doesn't like his management skills. He thinks it's a bit too lax.

49:44 Yeah. He's very frustrated with the standards that Alex has set in the first 24 hours, which calmed down. But also something to note about this boat. The guests are led through. This is what a fucking trailer trash boat we're dealing with. The guests are led through the equipment closet. Hmm. To get to the dock to go do their water activities.

50:13 I caught that and I just thought that was a one-time thing for some reason.

50:16 I hope it was because it's literally a hazard. I mean, the guy slams his head on steel rods. So yeah, pretty crazy. Let's get to dinner.

50:25 Oh, this mango sticky rice. Mo, you are a magician. I would love to try that.

50:30 You a big mango sticky rice guy?

50:32 I like rice pudding. Any dessert with rice in it, I like.

50:36 Rice pudding is so underrated. I agree. Is that a big Boston, like East Coast thing?

50:42 Well, if you're into Indian food, I mean, yeah.

50:46 What?

50:47 Well, it's one of the bigger desserts.

50:49 With- With Indians?

50:50 With Indian food.

50:52 Oh, really?

50:53 Yeah, they put raisins in it.

50:54 Kalen, you a big fan of Indian food?

50:56 I fucking love Indian food.

50:57 All right. You need to swear. All right, so this dinner is pretty special. First up, we've got a tuna tartare. Nice, light, clean way to start things off. Portion was bordering on excessive. I don't need that much raw fish in my mouth. It starts to get a little gummy after a while. Second course is pan-seared kingfish with coconut curry sauce. A marvelous dish. And we end with, as Pat mentioned... a mango sticky rice dessert with coconut ice cream. It's just a really, really strong showing, just a great way to start it off. I'd give it 89 pots. And the only reason I'm really taking away, I was, you know, being a little facetious about the tuna tartare. The real problem I have is that, you know, the mango sticky

51:57 rice is presented as a rice pudding kind of thing, which completely betrays the traditional plating of something like this. Now, If you are to do this and just completely spit on the traditions of this land, that's completely fine. I would just like to be warned. Okay, so 89 pot dinner.

52:13 I'll reach out.

52:16 You know, we can let sleeping dogs lie. Is that the right saying? Is that how you say that? Yeah. I thought he did great. 89 pots. We wrap the night... with Rainbow losing her mind a little bit. Now, Rainbow is going down for the first time as Second Stew, and she's got a punch list that she needs completed. Now, she's particularly traumatized by this because every night that she went down on the last charter, she would lay things out for Cirque du Soleil to do, and Cirque du Soleil would smoke, and she wouldn't do any of the things.

53:02 And Rainbow is flipping out because of it. And I love the way that Rosa handled this. Obviously, she's very annoyed because it's overwhelming. And as she described, patronizing and micromanaging. But she just looks at her at one point and says, have more faith in me. Right. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

53:22 I got this. Have more faith in me.

53:23 That's all you got to do. I mean, have more faith in me. I would... I think that you're right. I think we're going to have two leapfrogs in interior and exterior this season. But we'll see what happens. Jump in the comments. Let us know what you thought about the episode. Sea Rats, you're looking forward to seeing. If you've seen Strangers or you're going to go see Whale Fall, tell us how it is. Okay, that's it for me.

53:49 I'm Dylan saying goodbye. Pat, say goodbye.

53:51 Later, dudes. See you.

54:09 Bye.