Why Your Child's Anger Isn't Yours to Fix

0:00 But if they don't get enough of the connection, they're gonna go for the correction. They're gonna go for your anger because they want attention and they like that heightened emotion.

0:06 This past year, she's become more strong-willed with full tantrums over any transition or being told no. Should I just crack down and be boss?

0:14 Yellers raise yellers. Um, angry people raise angry people. So think about your own demeanor. Where would a parent start if they feel like they do have a temper? Well, welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach, I'm a mom, I'm also a grandmother.

0:29 And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started.

0:40 Okay, sweetie, what is today's parenting topic?

0:43 Today's topic is why your child's anger isn't yours to fix.

0:47 Good one.

0:47 Just to start out, if parents hear that, maybe their first thought is, well, if I don't fix it, who will?

0:53 It'll just go away.

0:54 Uh, I think that that's wishful thinking, but maybe do you want to get into that?

0:57 It will eventually take care of itself and go away because that's what your calm leadership does for them. It teaches them to communicate because they know when they do communicate, they're going to be heard and respected and you're going to be fair and reasonable. So why do they need to get angry? You want them to become problem solvers.

1:12 I think there's a few different things I want to touch on with this. I think first is parenting guilt. Maybe if someone sees their child being really angry, having a tantrum, it almost feels like a reflection on their own parenting and them almost failing as a parent.

1:24 It's not about you. It's about your children. Okay. If you get caught up in your own emotions and your own feelings, you're probably going to go down the wrong path. Okay. Just focus on your kids and what they need from you. They need leadership from you. They need calm leadership.

1:37 I think the other angle as well, I mean, there's a couple, but I hear this often from parents in the comments and in questions is that they feel like they try to maybe avoid things or avoid certain situations because it just gets their child mad and it leads to tantrums and they feel like they're always walking on eggshells.

1:55 Okay, they're trying to avoid what they know their child doesn't like. This is really typical when parents say, I don't know why my kids are so rotten at school because they're great at home. That's because you have been walking on eggshells, catering to their every want and need and avoiding what they don't like, right?

2:09 So you don't want to do that. If I thought a kid was gonna get angry over something as simple as putting their shoes away, I would make sure that they're gonna be, I mean that's gonna be a rule. Okay, I go right into it because I don't avoid the lessons. Those are where the gold is. It's all those lessons that sometimes you're gonna have to do things that you don't like or you're not gonna get your own way.

2:28 Don't avoid that. You walk right into that and deal with it because that's where all the good lessons happen.

2:33 I think that a lot of parents do approach this with maybe feeling like they're doing the kinder approach by not getting their child angry when they're holding boundaries.

2:42 Okay. Now, they feel that they're being kind by avoiding the scenes? I think so. Oh, well, you're gonna have less of them. There won't be any need for scenes once you're a calm leader. So yeah, it's actually kinder to go right into it and get the lessons. The sooner the lessons happen, the happier everybody will be.

2:58 But if you're avoiding the lessons in life, yeah, with everything though, right? We all have to learn that we can't always get our own way. So don't avoid those lessons. That's important. And in the long run, it's worth it. I always say I'm after, I'd go for short-term pain for long-term gain. If you're avoiding these lessons or the bet, you know, the anger, then that's the short-term gain for long-term pain.

3:18 They're gonna learn that wait a minute, you know, I'm never I've never learned how to deal with my anger. My parents are afraid of it. So yeah, they're just gonna get worse and worse.

3:26 I think that having that expectation up front might be helpful for parents as well, because it might feel like if you're holding boundaries and then your child's pushing back more, that might feel like it's showing that it's not working.

3:38 Um, yeah, but remember we're mixing all this with fun because fun is their love language. If you're not playing with your kids and connecting with them in their world and really bonding with your children, this is all just kind of mean. But yeah, you get really good at connecting and they want that. They want the connection.

3:51 But you know what? You're not as fun. You get real boring real fast if they act out. They don't like that after a while. Takes time to build that though, to sort of switch that mentality from you and from them. And they'll start to understand this stuff. They usually catch on to this way quicker than the parents do, way faster.

4:07 Because this is for them. They they taught me all this.

4:10 Now I'd like you to go into the difference for ages. Let's say the difference between a two-year-old having a tantrum because they're not getting what they want versus a six-year-old maybe throwing a fit, maybe getting really angry, possibly even throwing things.

4:21 Okay, that it becomes entitlement. Past the age of about three to three and a half, if they're still having fit scenes, meltdowns, and tantrums, that says to me that's entitlement and also that it's working. That all I have to do is throw a fit and I'm gonna get my own way. Maybe not every single time, but every once in a while.

4:35 You gotta make sure that they never get their own way by having a fit. Anyway, a two-year-old, they're just learning. They're just discovering their bodies and their superpower is often saying no and screaming and yelling. That's often, but they're just testing you. By the time they're three to three and a half, those tantrums should basically disappear.

4:51 Because at that age, they tend to only do what works. If tantrums never work, they stop having them. And by the way, not all, not all kids have tantrums. It's one of the four things that they're either born to do or they're never gonna do. It's just in their DNA. One is tantrums, one is hitting or aggressive behavior, the other one is running away from you, they have no fear, and the other one is climbing.

5:10 It's similar to the running, they don't tend to have any fear. So those are four things they're born to do. It's not your fault if your toddler does have tantrums, but it is your responsibility to train them out of them by making sure they never work.

5:21 Now, before we get into the parenting questions, which honestly, I feel like that's going to be the best way to really go into this topic because you'll have scenarios to deal with, but you talk about, and you may even mention the connection so important. Once everything's calmed down, why do you think that connection is so important?

5:36 Once everything's calm, well, the connection is positive, and children are, I think they're hardwired for positivity and joy and happiness and laughter. So they're gonna be drawn to that. They're gonna be pulled away from the other. Now, here's the thing, it gets a little bit confusing here. But if they don't get enough of the connection, they're gonna go for the correction.

5:52 They're gonna go for your anger because they want attention and they like that heightened emotion. If the heightened emotion only comes during happy times, they're more likely to not have the bad times. If I'm just like I'm I'm very good at connecting, I'm very goofy with kids. That's their love language is fun and you know, goofiness when there's little, especially.

6:09 But when I'm correcting, I get real quiet and real boring real fast. And I just get it over and done with. So yeah, they don't like that. They just don't like it. So, and also there's no, there's no payoff for it. If they can't even get you upset, what are and they're never gonna get their own way by doing that, why would they bother anymore?

6:26 And also, they're watching you. If you're inclined to yell, your children are more likely to get angry because it's it's just becomes a family trait that we all get angry, we all lose it. Okay, but if you're calm and you don't yell, you don't, you don't raise yellers. Yellers raise yellers. Um, angry people raise angry people.

6:42 So think about your own demeanor. All right, do you have a temper? Do you let it fly? Do you yell? So check yourself too. That's a very important part of this. I was never yelled at, I've never yelled. I'm not saying I'm perfect by any means, but I don't have a big anger thing going on. So that makes a difference.

6:57 Where would a parent start if they feel like they do have a temper?

7:00 Well, you got to put down no yelling as your rule on the behavior board. And with toddlers, just do your best to stop yelling because we're not, they're not on the board under the age of three. So just do your best. Check yourself. Say, am I yelling? Like it's fear-based because yelling comes from fear.

7:14 It comes from not knowing what to do or not being able to handle the situation without yelling. And yelling can work really quickly in the moment, but it'll backfire down the road. It's very temporary.

7:24 And then if you want to learn more about the behavior board, uh, you can get access to the no-cost mini course when you join the newsletter at Bratbusters.com. Now, would you like to get into some scenarios on this? Sounds good. Okay, we'll start out with Hillary from the United Kingdom. Nilly three-year-old has begun to test me through behaviors such as shouting, trying to hit when angry, ignoring when asked to do something, and throwing.

7:44 She's been going to nursery since 21 months. She's been amazing and listening up until she turned three. There have been some challenging behaviors from other children in the setting, which she's been observing. I'm always calm and really good at joining in her world and playing. However, I'm expecting baby number two, and I believe this kind of behavior from her peers in schools has had an impact on her behavior.

8:04 Would you recommend to completely ignore all this behavior while she does it or any other suggestions?

8:09 No, start with a behavior board, but three is the fork in the road. You just know I was sitting here chomping at the bit, dying to talk about this. Three is the fork in the road. And when they turn three, they usually get easier or more difficult, okay? Because they've got you figured out. They just haven't really figured out a lot until they turn about three.

8:24 That's when they stop, they stop and think, okay? They just start to reason things out. So that just makes perfect sense. It's almost on their third birthday. They blow out the candles, they sit back in their chair and they think, do my parents know what they're doing or not? And then they either take over or they just get easier and everything's happier.

8:39 So also, uh, if when you're a calm leader for your children, they're not influenced by other people because your leadership is their their biggest power. That's it's the source of all their self-esteem and everything, especially at that age. Um, so others cannot influence them if you're a leader. So work on your leadership skills, start with the free behavior board, it's on bratbusters.com.

8:57 Just get started there. That's the training wheels with all this. But yeah, you're right in line with what I always say. Three is the fork in the road. So if she's just started getting challenging now, that would be why.

9:07 Do you find, especially if you're preparing for a new baby, do you find that maybe some parents let up on their approach or how does that impact the situation?

9:14 No, I don't find they let up on it until the baby's out, uh, generally. They could, but um, yeah, they they tend to feel maybe bad because the child's not getting as much attention. But it doesn't tend to happen before the baby comes, not usually, unless the mom's really sick and in bed a lot and then they feel bad because the kid doesn't have much, you know.

9:30 But generally, no, it's once the baby comes out. And also, they're often really good in the hospital when they meet the baby. Oh, I love him. I love it. But once you get him home, watch that other kid like the like a hawk. You know, reality kicks in and they realize that baby's here to stay, and they've taken half of mom and dad away from me.

9:46 So yeah, uh, watch them like a hawk.

9:49 Okay, the next one, Sarah from the United States. Daughters five and an only child. This past year, she's become more strong-willed with full tantrums over any transition or being told no. Should I just crack down and be boss?

10:01 Well, I don't talk about boss, I talk about leadership. A boss implies authority. I don't do that. Uh, leadership implies mentorship, which is what I'm all about, calm leadership. Anyway, she's just turned five and she's all of a sudden started getting strong-willed. That doesn't usually add up for me.

10:16 I don't know why. Uh why at five? They don't usually switch at five like that. Unless something's happened or unless you've changed, maybe you're maybe something in your home life has changed. I don't know. But if she's getting strong-willed, that there's nothing wrong with being strong-willed. There is something wrong with being naughty.

10:30 There's a difference. I love strong-willed kids. They're often the leaders of tomorrow. So there's nothing, it's not a bad trait. It's our is she naughty? That's the trait. Is she being mean or, you know, hitting people and you know, whatever, disrespecting you? And by the way, her disrespect is not on her, it's on you.

10:46 So work on your leadership skills. Again, check out the free behavior board. If she's five and that's that that's happening, you might want to look into the boot camp course for three to 12 year olds. It's a five-week course, it's a whole, it's all planned out to turn you into a leader. Your leadership is the key here at five.

11:00 Now, the only other thing that could potentially be happening is maybe something's going on at school that you don't know about. Don't worry, it doesn't have to be anything huge. But I would ask the teacher, do you notice anything going on? Is she being bully? Is she being excluded? Um, or is she bullying other kids?

11:14 Or, you know, ask.

11:15 Just see what's going on at school. Do you find that sometimes because at five, maybe they're just starting school?

11:20 No, it doesn't make if you're a leader at home, you're their biggest influence. It doesn't make any difference in their basic nature, usually. No.

11:26 And then I want you to talk about the uh you mentioned it, but the cracking down, be the boss. I feel like parents sometimes feel like that's the way to approach this.

11:34 Yeah, I don't do authority stuff. That's my way or the highway. You listen to what I say. I do leadership, which means you're also accountable. That's what the that's what sets the board apart from I think other people out there. I don't know what people teach out there. But anyway, um, the board is you're on there too.

11:48 She needs to see you being accountable because remember, they're not really listening to you, they're watching you. If you're not accountable for your actions, what if you yell? If you don't get a consequence for yelling, which is bad, then why should she get consequences? You see, they're watching you.

12:02 A mentor, you set yourself up as a calm leader, like you set yourself up as someone to want to emulate, not someone just to listen to.

12:11 Okay. The next one is Emily from the United Kingdom. Toddler gets frustrated very easily. So, for example, getting angry or upset if his train tracks break and he can't fix it straight away. Is this something that goes on the behavior board or should I tackle it differently? There isn't a specific age, but let's approach this from a two-year-old perspective and then also a three-year-old perspective.

12:30 Okay, a two-year-old is a toddler. A three-year-old I consider a preschooler or a child. I don't, I use a behavior board, but a toddler, you can't use a behavior board. If they get frustrated, just you can just say, oh, that's okay. And you might, and if they st if they keep throwing it in that, just say, okay, we'll put it away.

12:43 They've got to learn. Also, it's important that they see you fail at things. Like if you're trying to put something together, make sure you mess up. And then you go, oh, well, kind of laugh it off because they're watching you, right? They're not listening to you at that age. They're watching you. So if they see you mess up and not be able to do something and just brush it off, they're more likely to learn how to do that themselves.

13:01 So now, three-year-old, if they get aggressive with the toy and they throw it across the room, you can put their rule on the behavior board, should be no aggressive behavior. And when they do that, say, okay, that was aggressive behavior. Let's go to the board, dot da-da-da-da, and follow through with the consequence.

13:14 Because they're not on that behavior board until they turn three. It has something to do with their frontal lobe, their sense of reasoning. They they are learning how to have the ability to stop and think before they act. Under that age, not so much.

13:34 Okay, the next one is Grace from Mexico. Daughter is two and a half, and we're dealing with frequent tantrums, especially when she wants my attention. I've been trying your ignore the tantrum approach, so staying calm, not talking to her and acting like I'm waiting for a bus. But I'm confused on how to handle tantrums when I'm already doing something.

13:49 So for example, exercising or washing dishes. If she starts tantruming because she wants me to stop or do what I'm or give her attention, should I continue my activity while ignoring the tantrum, or should I stop and wait it out? I'm also confused about how to what to do once the tantrum ends, since your method's to connect with them after the tantrum ends.

14:07 However, if I stop my workout or leave the dishes unfinished to connect with her afterwards, doesn't that teach her that the tantrum worked? Because ultimately I it got me to stop what I was doing and give her attention.

14:17 Yeah, that's an easy answer. I'll answer that secondly. The first one is uh yeah, you just keep doing what you're doing. But you look down at her so she knows you know you're having a tantrum, and then she can't interrupt what you were doing as a result of the tantrum. Okay. So yeah, you just keep what you're doing, but you let her know that you know she's having one.

14:34 And then as soon as she stops, the connecting is you talk to her. Now you're looking at her, but the f you're just glancing over her way initially, just to let her know you know she's having a tantrum. But then when she does stop, you look at her and then you talk to her, no matter what you're doing.

14:47 But she you don't stop what you're doing, no.

14:49 So yeah, that was a good one. Okay. The next one's Casey from the United States. 24-month-old girl throws or pushes things when she's upset for not getting her way. Well, corrective action should be effective. I take away whatever she throws, but often she doesn't even seem to care about it after it's thrown.

15:04 Oh, you just go, nope, and you take it away, just keep doing it. Keep doing it. She'll eventually connect the dots. Right now she's just not connecting the dots. So you said she'll go on to something else. Uh, she didn't say that though. She goes, she doesn't seem to care about it.

15:16 Yeah, so I think it's like the idea is once it's thrown, oh well.

15:19 Oh, I see. She's thrown it. That's right. She wanted to throw it, so now you're putting it away and she's thinking, good riddance. Okay, so I would just say no, and then I might remove her from the toy area and keep her with you. And you don't do timeout. Just keep her with you, say no, and then just pull her away from the toy area potentially.

15:34 She might not want that. She's like, oh, that's not what I wanted. Yeah. Or if you're if she wants your attention, you just say no and you can just leave the room. You take yourself away. So you're removing something. You're removing her from something or something from her that she wants. She probably wants your attention.

15:48 So I'd just say nope and I might just walk away. I might pick up the toy and take it with me, though.

15:52 Okay, we have one final question. So Jessica from the United States, daughter's 18 months, and screams all the time. Happy, sad, angry, bored, playing excited. She screams a lot and it's her go-to noise. It can be stressful. How do I parent this behavior correctly?

16:06 That's a tough one because of the age. Okay, she's and it's none of this with toddlers is quick. Okay, it's quicker as they're when they're on the behavior board. But when they're little, it's consistent corrective actions done over and over and over again, repetition. But the older they get, the e the quicker it usually works.

16:19 But at 18 months old, might be a while. Screaming is a go-to. You can just go like this. So she screams at you. I'm just holding my hand, my hand over my ear, and I'm just gonna go, ooh, too loud. And then you kind of ignore her for a minute or so. And then if she talks nicely, then you you give her attention right away.

16:35 So every single time she does that, just go, ooh, too loud. And then just go sort of go quiet or walk away a little bit. So you're gonna let her know that that's never gonna get her any attention. And the tension is the number one thing they're after, especially at that age.

16:48 Now that was it for the questions, but I want to circle back to the topic. And why do you think the mindset of trying to fix the anger might hold parents back?

16:56 Because they're always trying to fix their kids. You don't do that. You fix yourself and they follow suit. They can't help themselves but follow a leader. If you're a calm leader, it calms them down because they feel heard, they feel respected, they also feel enjoyed because you're good at connecting with them.

17:09 That in itself subsides a lot of anger just with, and it's okay to be angry sometimes, but it's when it gets out of control, is what we're really handling here. They need to learn that it's okay to get upset, but you can talk it out or just take a break from it, whatever, but they're watching you. Remember that.

17:24 Everyone's always trying to fix their kids. Fix yourself, and then you'll get the result you want.

17:29 I think that's a thing, too, is growing up, I really felt like I was okay to be angry. It's just there's certain behaviors attached to that anger that are not okay. And that's how you approached it with me, I think.

17:41 Plus, you you kids talk to me about everything. So talking things out really helped. Plus, I never said everything's okay. I'm not like that. I said, Yeah, I remember when I was your age, I got frustrated or angry at something too. Here's what I did. Or sometimes life's just like that. You just have to survive it.

17:56 If you try and teach your kids that everything's gonna go their own way and they never should be angry, that's unrealistic. It's okay to be angry, but you're right. It's the behavior around the anger, which is what I would deal with for sure. Otherwise, you can get angry, but you know, then we can talk about it and let me know what's going on.

18:10 Let's see if we can figure it out. I raised problem solvers. That was really important to me to raise children who had a lot of confidence to solve problems, and we talked about everything. That's how I was raised.

18:19 But I think as well, I really want to drive home that fact is like you allowed us to feel the variety of emotions where it wasn't like one emotion was good or bad. It's like you kind of set it up as that's just the human experience. Like you're not going to be happy 24-7.

18:33 No, that's ridiculous. And uh, you were pretty cheery kids, but uh overall, that's ridiculous. No one's happy all the time. And also, I thought it was important that they had downtime. They, it's okay to be bored sometimes too. So, you know, I'm not there to juggle for juggle for them all day long. They need to learn that they need to learn how to entertain themselves, problem solve, but I'm right there.

18:53 I'm offering suggestions, I'm right here for you. I was always a safe place to land. I never judged. If they came to me with a problem, I'd say, okay, well, what are you gonna do about it? I wanted to raise problem solvers, which helps them to have more confidence and higher self-esteem. Because when they feel good, they do good.

19:08 When they feel bad, they do bad.

19:10 What things were you doing to instill that mindset when we were so young, like toddler age? Because I definitely remember feeling that when I was like nine, 10. But what steps were you taking earlier on to make sure that we knew that all of our emotions were okay?

19:25 Um, well, because I didn't judge them. I never tried to stop you from being upset or anything, but I was very quick to try to, well, when you were really little, like a baby still, like up to 15 months, I used a lot of redirection. So if they were upset about something or frustrated, then I would say, Oh, what's this over here?

19:41 And then when they were two or three years old, they weren't physically violent or anything like that. But anyway, if they were upset about something, I might say, Oh, I said, that's okay. I said, come on over here. And I might just sit and read a book with, you know, that calm leadership, when especially when they're toddlers, it's all about cuddling and affection.

19:56 If they're upset about something, we'd probably sit and read a book. Next thing you know, they're talking about the book and they're starting to feel better. They would learn how to work it through themselves. But I didn't really talk about anger when they were toddlers. Um, you know, it was more just it's okay to be angry.

20:09 I let them sit with it. But I was usually right there.

20:12 Yeah, I just wanted to get a little bit more into this because I know that parents, some parents do feel like they were dismissed when they felt angry and as children, and they feel like that maybe had them repress their anger or not want to show that. And so where's that balance?

20:28 Well, because I want, as they got older, especially, I wanted them to talk it through because there's nothing better for any emotion, really, any bad emotion, than to talk it through. So that was really important to me that I was there as a sounding board. That was so important. My mother was brilliant at that.

20:43 That was really important to me to do that for my children. I'm there, they can tell me anything. And they did. They could tell me exactly what they were feeling. And I never dismissed their feelings too. Like sometimes they they, I I might say to them, I might challenge it. I might say, oh, you're feeling jealous of her.

20:58 Did you know that she has, you know, this that they're dealing with in their family? So, and I always told them, you know, it may seem like some people have everything going their way, but really they don't. You know, everyone, everyone get gets stuff that they have to deal with. And then also, I remember you said something that really affected you was it looks like sometimes these other kids just have everything going their way.

21:18 They don't, you know, they stuff's gonna catch up with everybody eventually, some worse than others for sure, but I wanted them to understand that life isn't perfect, and that's okay. It's okay to be angry, it's okay to be sad, but also talk it out. I really did encourage them to tell me stuff, and they did.

21:34 So yeah, talk it out. Come on, and I have lots of stories too I shared. I don't like to, I don't want them to think that life is or should be completely rosy all the time. I wanted them to learn that, yeah, you know, it's the failures and the challenges in life that really build strong children. So I wanted to arm them with a lot of problem solving skills.

21:52 I think also a big thing with your approach is setting up those boundaries that are calm and fair so that they do come across things that don't always go their own way. Because I feel like as children get older, you know, again, I'm not a parent, I'm not a mom, but this is. Just from like questions that you've been asked.

22:10 It's like if there's those fair boundaries haven't been put in place and held, it's like children just aren't used to like having to manage their anger.

22:17 Yeah, well, I made sure at home. If if they thought I was unfair, what would you do if you thought I was unfair? I would have told you. For sure. Would I have made it right? Yeah. For sure. 100%. Um, so yeah, that's the thing. Is I made sure that it was fair, everything was fair and reasonable at home.

22:31 And I used to tell them when you go out in the world, that's not reality. Okay, so I wanted my kids to realize that when they go out in the world, they're not special to strangers. They were very special to us, and everything's gonna be very fair and reasonable at home. But I wanted, I wanted them to be realistic.

22:45 When they don't, I didn't want them to feel entitled or spoiled in any way. When you go out in that world, it's a war zone. You gotta find your way, you gotta make friends. They're not gonna all come swarming to you and give you everything that you want. I wanted them to learn how to put themselves out there and be good people.

22:59 That I wanted them to put an effort into life. I didn't want them to think that everything was gonna land in their lap. But you come home, unconditional love, complete fairness, reasonable. Our goal is that you're happy kids, and that was our goal was just want happy, healthy kids. So yeah, home is very different from out in the world.

23:15 So they did not go out there entitled at all.

23:17 Do you think that entitlement sometimes breeds anger?

23:22 Oh, for sure. Oh, things didn't go my way. You know, I didn't well, you know, I mean, that's life. You're not gonna have everything go your own way. If you spoil your kids and you make entitled children, life is gonna be very hard on them because life isn't gonna be entitling them all the time. So not reality, okay?

23:41 You're gonna make their life a lot harder. I always say, you know, if you're that pleaser parent style, the old the, you know, whatever, you want to make sure everything's fun and you want them to have participation awards and you're praising them for every little thing they do. Oh my god, you put your gar your garbage in the garbage can, like just ridiculous, right?

23:58 You're raising self-entitled snowflakes with mental health issues. I'm exaggerating here, but yeah, where's the fortitude? Where's the strength? You want them to have challenges in life when they go out there. You want them to come up against a bully, you want them to come up against a bad teacher. That's life.

24:13 You're building strength. You want children who have strength. So when you do throw them out in the world when they're adults, then they're gonna be able to handle things. Within reason.

24:22 It's like those things make you stronger.

24:24 They do. Within reason is true. I didn't want them to have horrible stuff, but but just the normal stuff that you come up against. Like I was thrilled when they both got a bad teacher. I was thrilled. Uh, and all my friends at school, there was there was there's always a teacher that no one wants to get, right?

24:37 And I had other school moms say, Oh, we're trying to get them transferred. I was glad my kids got the bad teacher because that's life, right? They're gonna she wasn't horrible, but you know what I mean. Just a teacher that really wasn't that popular. So um for probably good reason. And but yeah, I was kind of happy about that.

24:52 And then my kids would come home and say how unfair she was, and she yelled at them and all this stuff. And I then we'd talk it through. So that was another opportunity to talk through difficult people. My kids are both really good at dealing with difficult people because I didn't want them to think that that's just I should never have to deal with difficult people.

25:08 So when they they went out there and they did come up against someone difficult, they knew how to deal with it. I take it as a challenge. Yeah, you do, yeah. So yeah, interesting, eh? So yeah, you want to build strong, confident uh kids with high self-esteem. And I believe this calm leadership is the way to do it.

25:23 Makes them feel like they have a voice, they're heard, and they're also enjoyed.

25:27 And again, I'm not perfect, but I really enjoyed my childhood growing up. So I just wanted to kind of give a little bit more pushback in this episode at the end here, just to give people an idea of like where you're where you were heading with all of this.

25:41 Yeah, and I always say connection is everything. You uh and I I've often asked both you and your brother this, and you always answer so quickly. I always say, Were you aware of how much I wallowed in? Yeah. Uh I wallowed in my children. They walked into the room and I lit up. I must admit I don't do that as much with my son these days because he has a daughter.

26:00 So I just see my granddaughter first now, but then I look over and I say, Oh, I love you too. But yeah, it's a little bit different when you got the granddaughter to focus on. But yeah, I basically light up every time I see my kids. And how does that make people feel? Right? You want to feel like you're that special to your parent.

26:15 I used to tell my kids, uh, I was really goofy, but I used to tell my kids, look, one day if you ever decide to commit a crime, I'll be the first one taking you down to the to the prison, because I believe in, you know, being being accountable, but I'll be visiting you every single day. So uh my my love is unconditional, right?

26:32 But I also believe in accountability. You in your bag of fabric, just yeah, I had a bag of fabric. I'll visit you with my bag of fabric. It's fabric scraps, by the way.

26:40 Okay, well, I think that is a good place to end.

26:43 Okay, thanks for joining us. Back again soon, talking about another parenting topic. Happy parenting.

26:48 Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform.

27:05 Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.

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