Does Compassion Fuel 30-Minute Tantrums

0:00 All these mini therapy sessions discussing all the big feelings and big emotions around tantrums, you're throwing fuel on the fire. It does not require compassion. It requires indifference, being ignored.

0:10 When a tantrum's brewing, like resisting his car seat, my immediate instinct is to offer a snack, play his favorite song, or make a game out of it. It's not compassionate to feed the tantrum, it's actually mean. Oh, get into that.

0:20 Why do you think it's mean? Welcome to the Bratbusters Parenting Podcast. My name's Lisa Bunnage. I'm a parenting coach. I'm a mom. I'm also a grandmother.

0:28 And I'm Amy Bunnage, Lisa's daughter, and I handle the marketing and planning here at Bratbusters. While I don't have kids, each episode we'll dive into parenting topics and Lisa will answer your questions. Let's get started. Okay, sweetie, what is what are we talking about today? Today's topic is does your compassion fuel tantrums?

0:46 Hmm.

0:47 What do you mean by compassion?

0:48 So I think a lot of parents view compassion when it comes to tantrums as sitting down the floor with them, talking it out, trying to be there to support them during.

0:58 Okay, stop my skin's crawling. Okay. Yeah, all that conversation. That's in your world. To you, that's compassion. To them, that's confusing, and you're feeding it. Okay. You're interpreting it wrong. To you, it's compassion. To them, it's not. You're just feeling you're adding fuel to the fire.

1:15 I think this is one of the biggest things you get pushback online because I think that there's a lot of different methods where it can be really confusing, especially if you're a newer parent and you're seeing these methods of approaching tantrums that are very different from yours.

1:27 All these mini therapy sessions discussing all the big feelings and big emotions around tantrums is fueling it. You're throwing fuel on the fire. It does not require compassion. It requires indifference, being ignored. It requires a tantrum not working. As soon as you start talking to them about all their big feelings and big emotions around a tantrum, they they're just going to keep having them because all of a sudden they're getting all this attention.

1:51 You're just feeding it, you're rewarding it. Okay. And a tantrum is not big feelings and big emotions. You're reading that wrong. It's completely different. It's a loss of emotional control at not getting what they want. It's based on entitlement and anger and frustration. Okay. You do not need to feed that.

2:08 You do not need to talk to that. You do not need to look at them. You're nearby. I've talked a million times about how you handle tantrums, but you're nearby. You're just you're leading. They're watching you and they're self-regulating themselves by you, by watching you, not by what you say, but by watching you, ignoring that.

2:26 In other words, oh, wait a minute, this craziness, it ain't working. And they're just going to stop having tantrums. They're going to start talking to you. They're just going to start interacting in a night in a healthier way. But yeah, it's not compassionate to feed the tantrum. It's actually mean. Oh, get into that.

2:39 Why do you think it's mean? I think it's mean because you're fueling it and they're miserable when they're having a tantrum, and yet you're making it worse. That's why I think it's mean. It's horrible. I couldn't imagine wanting to make things worse for them while they're having a tantrum. You get down their level, you talk to them, keep adding fuel to that fire, keep doing it, keep doing it.

2:56 So mean. It's so misdirected. It's so misunderstood.

3:00 What if parents growing up felt like they were never listened to, and that's why they want to approach it this way?

3:05 Yeah, it sounds lovely to say that, but it's it's not, it's during a tantrum. Now, ki k kids told me everything. My kids did, my my kids' friends told me stuff. I wasn't, you know, I was a safe place to land, but not around a tantrum. A tantrum is just based on anger and frustration. That's none of my business.

3:22 They need to learn how to process that. They need to learn that they can't have everything that they want when they want and how they want it. And that's what a tantrum's all about, okay? But yeah, they can talk to me about anything, but not during a tantrum. I just don't feed it because I think it's horrible.

3:36 They're still going through something, you know. But I I'm right there, I'm calm as anything. And as soon as they're done, oh, you want to go read a book? Do you want to go help me do the dishes? Do you? I'm interacting right after. I'm teaching them. Tantrums will never get you attention. And that's the kindest thing you can do is to train them out of tantrums because they're not happy when they're having one, are they?

3:54 No. What else do you think really fuels tantrums? Looking at them, talking, looking upset, looking mad, leaving, walking, abandoning them, walking away, talking about them behind their like when they're having one, you know, voicing your frustration to someone else. I think that's all nasty. You you go you want to be right there.

4:12 You want to you want them to know you're waiting for you're standing there literally like you're waiting for a bus. You want to be nearby, not looking at them, look like you're waiting for a bus. In other words, I know you're having a tantrum. Soon as it's done, then I'll talk to you. They need to know that you're there for them.

4:27 You are there for them, but you're not looking at them or talking to them, if that makes any sense. They get this though. They just do. I've I've worked with hundreds of kids, and this just works. It takes time with toddlers, especially. They usually stop having tantrums at around three, three and a half, uh, with this method.

4:42 And they will peter out in intensity, frequency, and duration over a period of time. Oh, leading up to that age.

4:49 So the idea of if you're with someone, you go, Oh, they're just tantruming again, is what's your approach on that? I think that's mean.

4:56 Oh, look at them. Oh, well, it's it's insulting. Could you imagine if if you were, let's say you went out with your spouse and you were upset about something and your spouse said to their friend or something, or the waiter, or those they don't call them waiters anymore. Sorry about that, said to the server, oh well, they're just going off again.

5:11 Whoa. I think people use that exact same analogy when they critique your method because they go, Could you imagine if you were really upset about something and someone just stood there filing their nails?

5:21 Yeah, but they know they they understand after the first one, they understand what's going on because you connect the second they stop. That's the important part. The first one is confusing. Yeah, I'll give you that. That's confusing to them. But I don't, I don't walk away and I don't go on my phone, I don't talk to anyone.

5:36 I'm standing right there. They feel safe. They're just like very confused initially. By the second one, they're like, oh, I get it. Doesn't mean they're gonna stop having them right away, but they start to clue in because they realize the last time they did this, soon as they stopped it, oh, she talked to me.

5:50 Oh, I get it. Oh, they start to put it together.

5:52 No, but I think the analogy is because you said that would be so mean. How is this not mean?

5:57 Ignoring them, because I'm right there for them. Um, it's not mean because it's not their tantrum, it's not based on big feelings and big emotions. That's why it's not mean. If a kid came home from school crying, not tantruming in anger, but if they were crying, I'd be all over them. Come on, here I'm right here.

6:12 Come on, let's let's figure this out. Come on, we'll and we'll talk about it. But a tantrum is just basically entitlement. They want what they want when they want and how they want it. That's all it is. So it's not based on big feelings and big emotions.

6:23 I'm really pushing back now, but what if someone says that anger and frustration are big feelings?

6:28 Um, well, they are, but they're none of my business. Like they're they're big feelings, but they're not the sad. They're not, they feel bad. They don't feel bad about themselves. They're just mad at you because you didn't give them what I want, what they wanted. That's all. So it's it's a it is a I guess it is a big emotion, but it's not real big feelings.

6:44 I guess you could, I guess you could sort of say that, but it's it's none of your business. They've got to learn how to manage that themselves. Life isn't gonna go your own way. The sooner they learn that, the the better. They can't have everything they want when they want and how they want it. The sooner they learn that, the better.

6:57 That is kindness, teaching them that. Okay. Don't get caught up in the fact that this feelings and emotions is gonna destroy their soul. It is not. You're right there, and they will start to figure out oh, wait a minute, I can't always have what I want when I want and how I want it. And the sooner they learn that, the happier they'll be.

7:14 Now, I the reason why I'm pushing back so much is because I do see that there's a lot online with conflicting opinions. So let's say you're still holding the boundary. Let's say they wanted the blue cup, you gave them the green cup. Let's say you're still holding the boundary of keeping the cup that you said you would, but you're saying to them, I know it's tough, we can't always get what we want.

7:32 If you're saying something along those lines, but you're just being right there for them, what's the difference? I don't say that.

7:37 I I know that. So I'm saying I wouldn't say that. No, what I would say, do you want the blue cup or the green cup? Green cup. So I give them the green cup, and then they say, I want the blue cup. And they start screaming. Uh, no, I'd say, no, you chose the green cup and that's it. Then I let them scream it out.

7:53 See, they're just trying to manipulate you back and forth. Green, red, green, green, blue, green, blue, green, blue. They're just trying to control you. They're just testing.

7:59 So I'm asking, what's the difference with this method? If you say, I understand you want the blue cup, or whatever cup, I've lost. Because they already know.

8:06 Why are you wasting all these words on all this stuff? That's your language. That's not theirs. That's for you. You're saying it because you want to say it. You're saying it because you want to hear it. You're saying it because it makes you feel good. It's not their language. They get it. As soon as you say nope and you put the blue cup away because they chose the green, they understand it right away.

8:24 Totally.

8:25 I I know I'm pushing back a lot.

8:26 Well, I think how do I do I like it when people push back? You do. I love it. And that's the only thing I don't like about coaching. Most people they're already on board with what I'm saying. They don't tend to argue with me. I love it when people push back. Love it. Because I think that gets the message across, because a lot of people who are listening maybe are thinking what you're exactly the pushback you're saying, and which is important.

8:46 You know what though? I understand kids. I just do. I just do. I know their language. I know toddlers are they're watching you. They're not listening to anything you're saying anyway. Once they're, especially once they're upset, they are not listening. They're watching your body language, your tone of voice, your facial expressions.

9:02 Do you look calm? It tends to calm them down. They self-regulate by watching you, not by anything you say. I know words sound lovely, but they're just for you. It's all about you. It's not about them. Their language is not words. They're two. Their language is not words.

9:16 And then why do you think that connection after is so important?

9:19 Well, because you want to teach them that tantrums get no attention, but as soon as you stop, you do. You're training them how to act properly. So they'll learn that wait a minute, when I'm not kicking and scare, it's even better if they start up again right away, because then you'll ignore them again quickly.

9:34 They'll put it together faster. And then they stop again. You go, oh, y'all done. Okay, let's go read a book. Then they start up again. You see, they they put it together. They just start to put it together. So yeah, they get it. It's inappropriate behavior, but they're little, they're gonna try stuff, right?

9:48 It's not behavior that'll ever get them what they want anyway, and they'll just stop doing it. Kids, kids only do what works. Past about three to three and a half, they only do what works. And if tantrums never work, they're never gonna have them.

9:59 Okay, should we get into the parenting questions? Sounds good. First one is Erica from Canada. I have an 18-month-old daughter who's incredibly strong-willed, and we've been in the thick of the tantrum era since about 16 months. I'm using your high-road approach throughout this stage, and honestly, up until a couple of weeks, it worked like a charm.

10:15 This past week, in particular, we've been dealing with 30 to 60 minute outbursts, and I'm struggling to figure out what to do, as the usual strategies have stopped working. I completely understand that consistency is one of the most important parts, and my husband and I are very much on the same page.

10:28 We take the same approach, have same expectations, and neither of us give in simply because the situation becomes uncomfortable. What I'm finding especially difficult during these intense episodes is that it seems to primarily happen with me. She absolutely has tantrums with my husband, but they don't seem to escalate to that extent.

10:45 I understand that these episodes may start as a typical tantrum, but I feel like after 15 minutes, I can actually see a switch happen. It no longer looks like she's trying to communicate that she's upset or trying to get a reaction from me. She becomes completely overwhelmed and dysregulated, almost as though she's entered a fight or flight state where she's no longer capable of processing what's happening.

11:04 I know you've spoken about how you offer comfort during a tantrum can sometimes unintentionally reinforce the behavior if they're seeking validation or a reaction from us. Because of that, I really try to stick to taking the high road and not feeding it. I continue what I'm doing. So for example, playing with toys nearby, calmly, and rather than giving in or making the tantrum the center of attention.

11:23 The problem is lately it seems to make things worse instead of calming it down. One thing that we get past, when we get past that 15-minute mark, I see that shift and it feels like a general, genuine meltdown. I do change my approach. I offer comfort, change the environment, reduce stimulation, and try not to throw many different strategies at her at once because I worry that even my attempts could help her become, could be overwhelming.

11:45 Throughout the entire outburst, I remain calm and collected as possible. I try to be the anchor, try to keep my voice and body relaxed, and remind myself that she's having a hard time rather than giving me a hard time. I don't yell, I don't threaten, I don't give in just to make it stop. But even with that, nothing seems to work.

12:00 She remains completely dysregulated for another 30 to 45 minutes despite my best efforts. I also am not and never will be the parent who just gives in to avoid the uncomfortable situation. I don't expect her to grasp these concepts right away, and I'm completely okay with holding boundaries while she learns.

12:15 I'm just at a loss at what to do. At what point do you stop taking the high road and simply ride it out with them? How do you know when they're still testing a boundary or seeking response versus when they've become genuinely emotionally overwhelmed and need connection and help regulating? And if inviting her back into the play and offering a calm connection is escalating, what do you recommend?

12:33 One thing I was thinking is, yeah, they do get in that zone, right? They just get in a zone. There's no thought process to that. They just have a hard time getting out of it. Okay. So that's it's extremely common. Some kids will do that. They'll just go on for it, seems like forever. Um, but yeah, then you said she's worse with you than dad.

12:50 I can't um really talk about that because I don't know this what type of parents you are. So I can't say why it happens more with you, but but I'm just gonna generalize here. If she's worse with you, the mom, than she is with dad, could she potentially have maybe a tooth coming in, maybe a molar, I don't know what age they they're by the way, they're all different.

13:10 Some kids can get teeth at all different times. Could she potentially be uncomfortable with something? And because mom is more the nurturer, usually, that's often why they are worse around the mom. If something's bugging them, it often that's the way they're communicating to the nurturer, the one who tends to look after them when they're sick or something.

13:25 I just would look into that. Check her mouth out. Um, it could be that. Um, and also, so it goes on for 30 to 60 minutes. You said that you'll go often go off and play with something else. I might sit nearby and just sit with maybe her teddy bear or something that's comforting to her. I might, chances are she'll come over and pick it up and throw it though.

13:43 I get I get where they get in that zone. But you just want to look like you couldn't be more relaxed and you might and make yourself accessible to her so she can climb into your lap. She is still really little, she's only 18 months old. But yeah, they will do that. They'll get into that zone and they just don't know how to get themselves out.

13:59 Usually, sometimes you can change the environment. If she's still doing that, you might want to pick her up facing away from you, so she's not, you're not looking at her. Just pick her up quietly, move slow, by the way. If you move fast, it tends to stimulate them, even more get them more angry sometimes.

14:13 And just change rooms. Maybe put her in the car and maybe put her in a stroller. She's still going to be kicking and screaming, but now you're changing the environment. It might switch something in her brain. But yeah, it's tricky. Some of them will do that. They'll go for ages. And you can't, and they usually don't, it usually doesn't happen over a long period of time, but it might just be a few months or something that she'll she'll be doing this.

14:34 But yeah, I'm not exactly sure what's going on, but it could be maybe teeth coming in. Maybe something's bugging her. Maybe she's just not, doesn't know how to get herself out of it. And by you looking as relaxed as possible with maybe her teddy bear changing the environment, give that a go. I'm not sure.

14:50 The reason why I wanted to read out this entire question is I feel like the parent vocalized so many things that parents feel is they want that balance of holding boundaries, but they want to do it in a compassionate way. And it is overwhelming when you see your child having a genuinely hard time, whether or not it is just anger or frustration or you feel like it's something more.

15:09 Like that's hard as a parent.

15:10 Here's the thing is your calmness by standing there and not interacting with them is the quickest way to calm them down, from what I've found. So that is, and even giving into what they're asking for often doesn't calm them down anyway. So it's not even just that I think it's the best way to do it. It's usually the quickest and most effective way of doing it, too.

15:28 They're watching you. Your calmness is what calms them down. Okay. And by not interacting with them, you're not in their world. You're you want them to come up to your calm world. If you look at them or talk to them, you've just entered their world, their crazy world. Now they're in control. So if you just wait, it's your calmness being right nearby, looking like you're just kind of tired, just sort of looking out the window.

15:50 That is what regulates them. That's what helps them self-regulate. So you are doing, you are doing something, but you see, you're doing it in their language. It's the body language. That it's your body language and facial expressions. That is their world more than words. Everyone thinks it's the words.

16:05 Remember, they're just coming out of babyhood. It's not about words, they're watching you. They're not listening to you anyway. They're watching you.

16:19 Do you find that also the age plays a role? Like going from 16 to 18 months, like going into toddlerhood. Do you find that tantrums sometimes ramp up?

16:27 They can, but it there's no indicator of like age. It doesn't matter. It could be 16 to 18 months, it could be 25 to 26 months. You know, there's no certain age where that happens. Um, I I don't I don't think anyone really understands that. Why do some uh toddlers, why do some kids have tantrums at 10 months old?

16:44 And they can do that. You know, they just turn purple and stiffen because they don't want to get in the car seat. They can, and then other kids don't have a tantrum until they're two and a half. Nobody really knows the answer to that. No, well, I don't know anyone who does.

16:55 And then the last thing I want to touch on is it says that after the 15-minute mark, she says that she does change her approach and starts to offer comfort, changing environment, reducing stimulation, try not to throw too many strategies at once.

17:07 Do you think changing their approach mid-tantrum is I don't know if I said this, but sounds like yeah, I remember that and I what I was gonna say, it sounds like she's doing everything really well. So yeah, there was nothing that I would go, oh my gosh. No, I think she's doing it. It sounds like you're doing everything really well.

17:22 It just might take time. They go through stages, right? Just when you think you've got them figured out, they go and change again. I can remember that. I can remember my son, was my first one, my oldest. And I can remember thinking, oh, I understand him now. And then he'd come up with something different.

17:34 I'm like, what? Like they change all the time. And uh so yeah, hopefully it's just a stage. They also talk about how kids make liars out of you so well. They sure do, and that's their job, and they do it very well.

17:46 And it's also the idea of I've had friends who maybe they've been going through a tougher time with like sleeping with their child, like just their child sleeping through the night, and they'll have other moms who go, All I do, and then the next child has like sleep issues, they're like, huh, is that all you do?

18:01 Or the same child.

18:02 Yeah.

18:04 All I do is I just put him down, he goes right to sleep. I just say, love you, good night. And three months later, he's up all night, you know. So yeah, you gotta be careful what you say, uh, because they will try and make liars out of you.

18:16 Yeah, the sentiment I gather is uh stay humble.

18:18 Yeah, exactly. I remember once this mom was bragging about how we're it was a birthday party at McDonald's, and I I didn't really know her, but she was bragging about how gifted her little boy was. And she was talking about how, oh, he's just so gifted. Oh, he can do, yeah. And she was just bragging, bragging, bragging.

18:34 And us moms were all standing around. And but he was down on the floor chewing on her leg. She didn't see the irony in that. Yeah, he's gifted, all right. And he was about four or five. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just it's just struck us as funny. We're all looking at each other like, is she not aware of how embarrassing she's making herself look?

18:54 Like, it was so funny. But anyway, I think she he wasn't biting her right initially, but after a while he started, but she couldn't get off that Ferris wheel that she'd started bragging about. It was hilarious. Yeah, careful what you say, or they might start biting your leg.

19:07 I mean, I think that's just us in life, you and I as well. It's like if we start bragging, it's like we are 100% destined to fall flat on our face within the next.

19:16 Well, that's not true because you'd never brag. You never, she never brags about anything. She's very humble. I brag all the time because and I just do. It's just in my nature. I brag and always end up with egg on my face for pretty much every single time. It's ridiculous how it comes back at me. I don't want to be I don't want to brag, but I'm a great bragger.

19:34 I'm very good at bragging. Okay, we'll get into the next question. So, Alana from Canada, son is six and a really sweet kid, but he gets angry and his reactions can become extremely intense and hard to manage. What should we do in the moment? And how can we teach him to better manage his anger over time?

19:49 You don't teach him to do it. He teaches himself by looking at you. Your calm leadership is what trains him into managing himself because they will, okay, if you're a calm leader, so whenever he gets upset, you just stay completely calm. Everything I've just been talking about, right? Unless he gets physical, then after he's finished with the tantrum, then you say, by the way, you damage that, whatever, then he has to have a consequence afterwards.

20:11 But you never mention the tantrum. If you discuss his anger, now he's six years old and he's got anger issues. It must, you must be feeding it somehow. Uh, you just have to be, because otherwise he would tell you what's upsetting him. He does it because you are feeding it somehow. You must be giving him attention during these outbursts at this age.

20:29 They usually outgrow tantrums by about three to three and a half. And if they they only do what works past that, it means he must be getting either what he wants or he must be getting a lot of compassion and sympathy and your conversation. You must be you must be feeding it somehow. So yeah, he he will learn how to self-regulate by watching your calmness.

20:48 Okay, the next one's Veronica from the United States. Toddlers, 29 months, and is stronger willed. I follow your approach on how to handle tantrums. During the tantrum, we mostly go to my daughter's room and lock the door while staying with her, while mostly ignoring the behavior. This works during the day, but when she's overtired, she can scream for a really long time and becomes completely fixated on what she wants.

21:07 So, for example, before a nap, she desperately wanted to sleep on the couch instead of her bed. She was extremely overtired and hated being in the room when the door with the door locked. Should I handle tantrums differently when she's overtired and more dysregulated? Or should I use the same approach and hold the boundary?

21:21 We gotta meet their needs and manage their wants. Whenever I talk about tantrums, it's around the wants. You know, I want your phone, stuff like that. But if she needs a sleep, then yeah, I would just put her in bed. There's no way I'd let her go on the couch because now she's in charge of everything.

21:34 If she's overtired, just keep putting her back to bed. If she needs a nap, just keep putting her back to bed, back in bed calmly. Let her get out of the room. I don't lock kids in rooms. I don't like it. Every time she walks out, you just quietly put her back in bed. I've got lots of um uh videos on bedtime routine.

21:49 I don't usually use it with naps, but you said she's still having naps and she's super overtired and needs a nap. You could potentially use the bedtime routine also on that. So yeah, you can Google uh Bratbuster's bedtime routine. Just keep putting her back to bed, putting her back to bed. You you're gonna you wanna sort of out out outdo her with this.

22:06 If she's that tired, she She won't be able to do that forever. Plus, you only usually have to do that once or twice, and then they realize if they keep getting out of bed, they're just going to be put back to bed anyway. Kids only do what works, remember? But she's still only 29 months. She might try it for a while, but just keep putting her back to bed.

22:21 They only do what works, but I shoved rice bubbles up my nose and that didn't work. Oh my goodness. She did, I don't know. She only did it twice, and I think she did it just with rice bubbles. They're rice crispies here in North America, but in Australia they call them rice bubbles. Anyway, she just was one of those kids that just shoved stuff up her nose.

22:37 She never put anything in her ears that I remember. I don't think she ever did. Anyway, she she was kind of starting to fuss, and she was not a fussy kid at all. She would have been about two, and she's uh and she didn't ever sound like that. So I said, What's going on? And I looked. Her nose nostrils were compacted with ricey rice bubbles, just compacted.

22:56 And so I got on the phone right away. We had a family doctor. I got on the phone right away, and I said to the front, I said, Look, my daughter's got all these rice krispies up her nose. Should I take her to emergency? And I actually got the doctor on the phone. He was between patients. And then she sneezed and I said, Never mind.

23:12 And he said, Okay, and he hung up. They all came flying out. But yeah, she never did it after that. I guess that was painful, that one. Yeah, I learned it didn't work. Rice but why would you do that?

23:24 Rice but lots of kids do weird stuff. Just for fun. Yeah, for fun. Okay, the next one's Rio from England. Muli two-year-old son has limited vocabulary, but one of the words he knows is please. When we go into the shops, he will repeatedly say please and point at everything he wants. When we say no or walk away from what he wants, he begins to shout and scream please, and it can lead to him tantruming.

23:43 What can I do to stop or change his behavior?

23:45 Well, just ignore it. Like he he's learned that if he says please, you've been handing him whatever he wants, right? That's why that works. He thinks that please means gimme. He just doesn't understand the meaning of the word. He'll eventually learn. Just ignore it. If he starts tantruming, take him out of the store.

24:00 Yeah, don't talk about it though. Just say no. You just say one no. Only say it once. Parents repeat, repeat, repeat. Makes you look weak. Just say no. And then if you keep screaming, get him out of the store. Just go home.

24:11 How do you approach getting toddlers to say please if you're without rewarding that?

24:16 Oh, I see. So yeah, if they say please, you can please is as a request. It should be treated as a request, not a like a demand. So just say, well, I don't quite know what you mean. You just say no. You're you're allowed to say yes or no. Can I please have? You're allowed to say yes or no. Maybe you don't say no enough at home.

24:33 Maybe it sounds like maybe every time he says please at home, you give him whatever he says, says that, because you're trying to reward the word please, but you're turning it into a demand instead of a request. Yeah, that's what you've done. That's okay, but he's little. He just doesn't understand it yet.

24:46 That's okay.

24:47 And the next one's Kylie from Canada. Son's 21 months. I've been back to work since he was 19 months, now pregnant with number two, and we'll be off by his second birthday. We have a nanny coming to the house while I'm at work, and when I get home, um, he has been so clingy. I can't get off the ground when he we're playing without a whole tantrum episode of intense, upset emotions.

25:06 I've tried ignoring him, but it doesn't seem to help. Usually, uh though through a tantrum, I offer a hug and he will cuddle me for a minute or two until he's calm. There's essentially no independent play. How can I help him and myself?

25:18 Get him to come and help you do some chores that he doesn't like doing. So, uh, like you were very clingy. So I'd say, Come on, let's go help mom with the garbage. She didn't really want to do all that stuff. If I knew she didn't like doing something, I would say, Come on, let's go. Da da da da da da.

25:32 She didn't want to do it anyway. So yeah, just include him in whatever you're doing. And um, yeah, he'll eventually get bored because he doesn't want to maybe do the dishes or probably actually might want to because it's water, but you get where I'm going with this. Just say, okay, I'm gonna go do the dishes.

25:46 Do you want to come help me? And just bring him along. He'll get bored with it. Yeah, but get him to do stuff that you know he wouldn't like doing. Okay. But yeah, try and include him. He's clingy because he's missed you. He's a little bit confused, he's little, he's got someone new, you know, he's a new nanny or whatever and whatever.

26:02 So yeah, it's just transition time. That's okay. But include him just in stuff that he wouldn't want to do anyway. Just all the dull work. The dull.

26:10 Lots of that around the house for sure. Okay, one final question. Storgia from the United Kingdom. Been listening to you since my son was six months old, and your podcast has been a game changer for my husband and me. Our son is now over two, and thanks to your tools, we've built a strong calm leadership and are truly enjoying parenthood.

26:25 When we're slept, of course. My question's about distraction. When a tantrum's brewing, like resisting his car seat, my immediate instinct is to offer a snack, play his favorite song, or make a game out of it. It works almost every time and he calms down so I can strap him in. I also find myself doing like things like blowing bubbles just to get him to sit and eat dinner.

26:43 While these tricks work in the moment, it feels like I'm robbing him the chance to feel and work through his anger. Is constantly using distraction to avoid pushback actually hurting a long-term goal of emotional regulation, or is it just smart parenting?

26:55 Um, it's both. I mean, it's just maybe you just overdone it. That's all. You don't want to make everything fun, like like you back off on doing it with everything. You don't need to turn everything into a game. One thing that I probably wouldn't turn into a game is getting him in the car seat. Uh, I've maybe right now with the bubbles and eating, I don't like that one either particularly, but you want him to eat.

27:14 But you know you can get him in that car seat no matter what. So cut back on the games with that. Stuff that you have total control over. He may kick and scream and it might be harder to get him into the car seat, but he will learn. Oh, sometimes I have to do something that I don't necessarily want to do, even though there's no game in happening.

27:30 So yeah, just wean off them a little bit, but stuff that you know you can completely handle. Food is harder. You can't force feed kids. But yeah, start with the car seat. It's one of the best ones because you know you can get them in there at that age anyway. So okay.

27:42 Well, that was it for the parenting questions.

27:45 Okay, and the quote that was uh, is your compassion fueling? I believe that ignoring a tantrum is compassion because I understand their needs. Their needs are that they they need to learn that to process their own anger. They need to learn that they can't have everything go their own way. So I think the quicker they learn that, the happier they are.

28:05 Hence, that's compassion.

28:07 I think that is a great place to wrap it up.

28:09 Perfect. Happy parenting. Back again soon.

28:13 Thanks for tuning in. If you're ready to dive deeper, check out Bratbusters.com to learn more about the behavior board, parenting courses, and private 101 coaching with Lisa. If you've enjoyed the show so far, we'd love it if you could take a moment to follow, rate, and review us on your favorite podcast platform.

28:29 Your feedback helps us reach more parents just like you. The information provided in this podcast is for general informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional advice. Lisa is a parenting coach, mom, and grandmother. She is not a licensed psychologist or counselor. Her services do not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals.

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