DigDeepXYZ: Is Looking For ‘The One’ Over and Done?

Welcome to desperately devoted.

Think of us as your favorite neighbors as we chat about life and relationships, all while.

We revisit the iconic show Desperate Housewives together.

I'm Terry Hatcher, I'm Andrea Bowen.

And I'm Emerson Tenny. Well, Hi, everybody. Here we are for.

Episode nineteen's XYZ. Episode nineteen was called Live Alone and Like It, and there were lots of themes of loneliness and relationships and identity. And one thing that we did not get to touch on in our episode that I think we were really excited to talk about here was the idea.

Of the One. Do you believe in the One?

This is something that Susan says to Sophie, her mom about Mike, when she says, Sophie, you know you're able to move on so quickly because your last relationship was just one in a long chain of men for you.

But Mike, Mike was the one.

And I know this moment stood out to all of us, and I know we have a lot of thoughts about does the one exist?

Is that a real thing? Who wants to kick us off?

I don't think it's a real thing. I mean I think it's great if you feel that way that somebody is your soulmate and just the one and you're with them your whole life. And we actually have a couple of family friends that have been married since they were quite young, and they sure seem like the one to each other.

So I'm not saying you can't have that.

Or that that isn't even something to envy and like a beautiful connection. I believe you feel that someone's the one because of what you do to make your relationship feel that way. Like I don't believe that there just is one person and you got lucky enough to meet them.

What do you guys think?

I would love to disagree so that I can represent the one out there, the people who are out there who do believe in the one.

But I fall on the same side as you do. I don't.

I think it can be really misleading and potentially damaging to go through your life thinking that you're supposed to unlock the one, and if you don't, then that means you're going to be alone forever. I do, however, believe in soulmates, but I don't.

Believe too cute.

That's cute, but I don't believe in in only really believe No, just kidding, but I don't believe in only romantic soulmates, and I don't when I think of the soulmates in my life. It's not limited to just my husband, whom I do think of as one of my soulmates. But I have that in friendships, and it's that feeling of when you meet someone and you just feel this connection to them, this being seen by them, being you know, that's the magic of human connection when that happens. And I think that to me, the word soulmate makes sense for that. But no, the one as a concept is something I definitely don't agree with.

Love. I love that you brought up the term soulmate because I think soulmate and the one you know are often interchangeable or get conflated. This idea of Oh, I found my soulmate, I found the one that I'm gonna be with forever. And I also wish I could represent people who believe in that, But they are morons.

No, I'm just kidding, you're not.

And I think I do think a singular one type of relationship that you find with someone and then you actively continue to choose to cultivate a singular one life together. I think that endeavor is beautiful and I think so much meaning can be found in that, and I aspire to find that in my own life. But in terms of your idea about soulmates, I think I really agree with you.

I think we have lots.

Of soulmates, just like I believe we have lots of the one out there.

Now.

I don't think that means that you're gonna usetainly, won't. I don't think experience a relationship with all of those people, and certainly not a romantic relationship or a monogamous relationship.

That I mean now has the time exactly.

And this is not I'm not advocating for a polyamorous dynamic like that's actually not what I personally aspire to or want. But I do think the idea that there's one person and then if something happened to that person or if that relationship failed, you would never find another person that you had a meaningful soul connection with.

I think that is a fallacy.

And there's a movie that I love so much that I think is really underrated from this incredible writer, director, actor, multi hyphen it Cooper Raife, who is my age and maybe.

One of my soulmates. No, I was just kidding.

But he wrote and directed and starred in alongside Dakota Johnson an incredible film that came out a few years ago called Chachaw Real Smooth, and it's an underrated indie romance dramedy that I think is brilliant and beautifully done and just tort a force.

I love Cooper Raife.

And there's a conversation between Cooper and Dakota's characters where they talk about soulmates and she says, you know, do you believe in soulmates? And he says, I believe that we all have lots of soulmates out in the world, and maybe we won't meet all of them. And Dakota Johnson says, how many soulmates do you think I have?

And he's like, oh, maybe twelve, And she goes, how many do you have?

And he's like, twelve hundred.

But I really I it was the first time I'd actually seen in film an idea that I have had not verbalized for myself, but carried with me for a long time, put into a conversation between these two characters, and it was a really beautiful, affirming moment. Which you know, film at its best quality has this ability to affirm beliefs and ideas that we've had and articulate them in a way that we haven't been able to in our wakening conscious lives. And I remember seeing that seen on screen and going, Yep, that is what I believe about love.

We have lots of soulmates. We will meet some of them, maybe we will date some of them, and then I think ultimately we will decide who we want to cultivate a life with.

But that's not think this idea though when people say that, like that person is the one, Like what do you think is the psychology behind that? And also like if you're searching for the one, what are you doing? What are you doing to find them?

You know?

And I'm kind of asking these questions because I almost think there isn't an answer, but I'm I'm wondering if you've witnessed anything that has been successful for somebody, because I think that the only way. But you know, also, I'm the one that's not been in a relationship for such a long time, but I think the only way you find people to connect with that may be indeed your soulmate is by you know, bravely continuing to put your self out there and meet people and be rejected and maybe be seen by some people and maybe not be seen by others. And you have to be strong enough in your sense of self to keep putting yourself in that position. And I feel like, especially some young people are like retreating from that, like it's too scary.

How do you find yourself like continuing to connect?

I think you choose the one, you don't find the one. I think you know what qualities you're looking for if you want to share your life with a partner in that type of way, you know what you're looking for, and you have relationships and you recognize like someone who has a lot of these qualities, and then you love and you have a soul connection with each other enough that you both agree, okay, we are going to actively choose to be each other's person, each other's one through this life. But I don't think that you unconsciously will just stumble across someone and get struck by it and they will be the one, and you will never have a question about anyone else ever again, and you will never look at anyone else ever again. And I think

the idea of the one. People who say, oh, I'm out here looking for the one, I actually think comes from a very insecure, possessive place in us. Oh you are my one, like I just it actually kind of makes me a bit uncomfortable that idea, because I think it stems from feeling too insecure to hold maybe the truth, which is, there are lots of people that we could be with at any given moment, and we'd wake up and we decide to choose whoever we're with each day.

Where's the romance in not choosing?

I mean, I think that the romance in a real when we're talking about it as the one in a romantic context or you know, soulmates and things like that. I if the inherent romance to me about it is in fact, like both of you are saying the choice.

That's not yea to choose and knowing.

That that someone else is choosing you when we all know that we're not perfect, you know we're not. I don't. I almost find it so much more beautiful the concept that Josh chooses me, not Josh thought of me as the one put me in that box and now has kept me in that box.

Yeah you know not part right, Yeah, I.

Think it's so much more beautiful to think. Gosh, here we are both continuing to choose each other throughout the end of time.

Did you ever have somebody that you felt like was your one that turned out not to be your one? I mean, I can tell you about the guy that I moved to England for.

Oh God, I remember this, Jesu Louis.

I mean, I guess I did you think he was the one? I don't know.

I feel like I'm too old for that way of thinking. I mean, it feels it feels so romantic, and.

So it feels like a youthful.

Thing to think that somebody is the one, and I feel like life has just beat the shit out of me. So I don't believe in that anymore.

Well, we just established that that's maybe a problematic belief to have in the first place.

So I believe that I met someone that I thought could be a lifetime companion.

That's how I would put it.

And I feel like it's falling more into your box what you're saying, Andrews, that I chose to explore if this could be a lifetime companion, and you know, to do so. There were a number of reasons but I had to move to England to explore that because that's where he lived and he had younger kids, and I had more opportunity to move at the time, which I don't really now because now I take care of my parents.

But I really invested in it in a a in a big way.

I got there.

I think it wasn't too long before I realized he was I was not, that he was not the one, that I was not going to continue to be able to choose to make him my companion every day for a number of reasons. And when I finally left, he did do one of the meanest things that's ever been done to me. He could so not accept that I could not choose him that he basically threatened. He said, if you leave me, you'll be alone forever. And so just the fact that somebody would say that makes it very obvious that you are not the one.

Oh yeah, yeah, I mean he only dug his own Bravey.

Don't you love that when in a breakup, someone proves a new reason why you should break up with them in their response to the breakup, you yeah, and thank you for so clear.

He followed that unresponded to email, because I did not respond to that. He followed that up with and the only reason you broke up with me is because you're crazy from being on hormone replacement therapy. Oh right, yeah it god, yeah, it digs pretty deep, right, and you're just like, just keep exposing to me all the reasons I'm so thrilled to be in Los Angeles.

It's not a cool move, guy. Yeah, like you didn't respond to my email. But I'm gonna say another thing, like cool, really good.

There, but that's the real thing.

But I would say that's you know, but okay, it's it's funny and I and I am a strong person and like to go back to what we were talking about in the episode about being alone, and we were talking about miss McCluskey, like not being able to open her arthritis medicine. You know, you guys, I'm sixty, Like I'm in pretty good shape and whatever. But like I got COVID a couple of months ago, and I was alone.

I was alone in my house with one hundred and four fever.

It was not great. And it's not that there wasn't.

People I could have called that loved me that, but I didn't want to call anybody I didn't want to give anybody COVID, I didn't want anybody to come over, and.

So I did sort of suffer through it.

But even in that space, I don't think I felt lonely. I just knew that I was alone and that it was hard, but I wasn't lonely. It's like this interior feeling that maybe you're not loved, and I don't feel that because I know that I'm loved by so many people in my really beautiful life.

Well, that's a beautiful thing to carry as we go from the one to the other one or looking. You know, if you met someone I know, you asked me if I had ever felt like, yeah, I had met I wouldn't say the one because I don't believe in that, But if I'd met a soulmate, and I would say, yes, one hundred percent. I have been in relationships with that.

I'm no longer in relationships now with people who I think are one of my probably many soulmates in the world, and it is a huge joy in my life that I have people who if I have had romantic relationship with who that part of our relationship has ended and we now have very deep and meaningful friendships, and I think, you know, I think when someone really is your soulmate, and this is my experience with this, they stay in your life, I don't, regardless of what your relation to each other is. And that's how I know that the person that I'm thinking of, I think is definitely one of my life soulmates, because we're still in each other's lives and it continues to be a beautiful, meaningful relationship

to me, even though it's not as romantic partners.

Do we have any like parting? I don't know ideas of like.

How to best like love yourself in a way that it's it's like fulfilling so that you don't feel lonely and you feel like you're open to meeting your soulmate.

Well, I think that this conversation about the one and soulmates and romance and all these things kind of bleeds and that other idea of looking for your other half, right, it's language also used frequently in the same context, and as we're sitting here talking about it, it's like, why can't we be our own the one? Like why isn't the one? The idea of who we are and loving ourselves that much? And making sure we are honoring our individual journeys here so that we have all of this amazing filled up cup to share with someone else.

At the end of the day, you are the only one that you really get.

Yeah, you know, well that feels like a good parting words, doesn't it?

It does? It does?

You are the only one, So do the best you can to make the life that you want.

You know, treat.

Yourself the way you need like. I also think there's the part of that that's like and hold yourself responsible for your own you know, commitment desires like don't be afraid to look at yourself and go Terry.

You could have been better on that. You could. You could show up in a different way, you know what I mean.

You can call yourself your name. You don't even have to call yourself Terry. If you do that, yeah, you could do it right. You can use your own name. But Terry also works. And I give everyone permission to call themselves Terry.

I'm gonna start doing that. I'm gonna look in the mirror and I'm gonna call myself Terry.

Well, Terry, you've done a really great job on this.

You too, Terry, You too, Terry. Oh wow, that's really devoted to Terry.

Oh my, I'm desperately devoted to you.

We'll see you next week.

DigDeepXYZ: Is Looking For ‘The One’ Over and Done?

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