I discovered that my aunt STOLE from me… so I exposed her lifelong secret! -r/AmITheAsshole | Reddit Stories | EP3097

0:00 Hey, this is Riley. And this is Dakota, your favorite OK Storytime host. And we've got some great stories coming up. But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep the show alive.

0:11 I discovered that my aunt stole from me, so I exposed her lifelong secret. Expose her! I, 25 female, have always been really close to my cousin Donnie, 22 male. He had a harder time growing up because his parents had some financial difficulties. He never went to bed hungry, but they didn't have much money for luxuries. My uncle met his wife in a spicy club where she was dancing.

0:35 No one in the family knows this, but she left that work when she got married. I think we've found the secret.

0:41 Secret spicy dancer.

0:45 I was trying to combine two different songs. Which two? It was Tiny Dancer. And then also, oh, McLosa.

0:59 Does it sound like Tiny Dancer? Unfamiliar.

1:04 I was combining Tiny Dancer, Elton John, with Private Dancer, Tina Turner. And you can understand Tiny Dancer, Tina, Tina, Tina Dancer.

1:14 Tiny Tina. Tiny Tina. Tiny Tina Turner. You're a secret tiny dancer.

1:21 No one knows.

1:22 You made your money.

1:25 Shaking booty on the pole.

1:29 And now you're in a financial hole.

1:33 She's a private dancer.

1:36 Money.

1:37 They have a business, which Donnie works for, that struggled for years, but was one of the businesses that became vital during the pandemic. So things really turned around for them and they're making bank. This means that a few months back, my cousin could have an amazing wedding and a two month long worldwide honeymoon.

1:56 Wow. Dang.

1:59 They're doing a little more than just okay. They're doing pretty well.

2:03 They're Mr. Worldwide.

2:04 They're Mr.

2:04 Worldwide. Mr. and Mrs. Worldwide.

2:07 I'm imagining they spent, if they were living luxuriously, upwards of over $ 10, 000.

2:14 At least $ 10.

2:16 At least $ 10, somewhere over $ 10, 000. I was really happy for him and proud. I grew up solidly middle class. Nothing lavish, but we had some things that some would consider luxuries. My parents, however, were not in a position to pay for college for me, which I was chill about, and I got loans. I've been working for two years, and I still live with my parents while I pay off the loans. I, unfortunately, couldn't get my master's because it wasn't financially viable. By the way, this comes from Auntie Exposer, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit.

2:51 I'm Sophia. I'm Dakota.

2:53 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We've only got some tiny dancers.

2:59 That's true. They're the tiny dancers in our minds.

3:04 Did you like that that rhymed? I did. I didn't even know that it would.

3:07 You were in flow state.

3:08 I was just in a flow state. And if you're in a flow state, put it down in the comments. Last weekend was my birthday party and my cousin showed up without a gift. Your rich cousin who traveled for two months around the world didn't bring you a birthday present?

3:23 What?

3:23 That's actually diabolical.

3:25 Nike. They had the whole world to choose from.

3:28 They got the whole world to choose a present from. Could have gotten you a present from any of those places. His wife made a comment jokingly about how they can't afford anything after spending X amount of money on their wedding. None of this bothered me because gifts are not an expectation, but my dad was visibly upset. I asked him about this and he opened a can of worms. Turned out that I used to have a healthy college fund until my mom secretly lent it to my aunt and uncle to help save their business when I was 15.

4:01 Lent?

4:03 Lent?

4:04 What is it, Easter?

4:05 Yeah, I'm sorry. I assume after the 40 days, you get that money back.

4:10 Time to give it back. Where's my loan?

4:13 The agreement was that as soon as they were able, they would pay it back to my mom. They haven't returned a dime. They have, in the last three years, bought a second house, flown first class overseas twice, and paid for Donnie's wedding and honeymoon. I would have been a lot angrier a lot earlier than your parents seem to have been. Their excuse is that I'm done with college, and their son works hard, so he deserves it more. What? Huh?

4:40 Whose excuse? Donnie's parents? Donnie's parents? Presumably your parents worked for that money that they gave Donnie's parents. So I would say they deserve it more.

4:52 Yeah, I don't know if it was your college fund that was for you.

4:55 My father got so annoyed at my aunt while relaying this to me that he decided to punt them out. While trying to calm him down, I said, we both know she only thinks about herself and Donnie. If she had any class, she wouldn't dress like she's still a spicy dancer.

5:09 Ooh.

5:10 Ooh.

5:11 Still spicy. She's got the pretty woman outfits on.

5:14 Operative words still. I was so preoccupied, I didn't realize that my entire family had quietly walked up with the candles lit, ready to sing to me, and they heard everything.

5:26 Oh.

5:29 My aunt left and has since sent my mom a message that we will never be seeing that money as it is now compensation for her pain and suffering.

5:37 Oh, that's really convenient.

5:39 She's like, I wasn't going to give you the money anyway, but now I have a reason.

5:43 Yeah, now it's emotional damage.

5:45 Now it's because everyone knows about my job that I used to have. I didn't mean to out her and be so rude. I was dealing with a lot of emotions and shock over this. I still am. My family doesn't know why we were so angry, so they just think I'm an a-hole and I don't want to tell them the whole story. But I'm not sure if it's excusable either way. So am I the a-hole? And we've got an update. But what do you think?

6:11 I mean, you didn't, like, do a town square message going, hear ye, hear ye. It just, it was a random circumstance.

6:21 Yeah, you weren't like, she's a dancer for money to everyone. You just said that to your dad. And then they were behind you.

6:28 Yeah, look, if they've got the money. Yeah. If they danced for that money, I don't care how they got it. It was your money. They need to pay back you, your mom and you. It's crazy. They're just like, oh, well, really, whatever they said, their explanation. I can translate that. It's really just I mean, it would be difficult and we'd have to confront them and like probably start a fight because they don't want to give the money back right away.

6:51 So we don't want to do that.

6:53 At this point, I feel like you should because it feels like your relationship with them is pretty strained anyway.

6:59 Yeah.

7:00 So let's get the money back. Let's start some fights. But we got an update. My cousin asked me to meet him alone this morning. It turned out he knew nothing about all of this. His mom had been keeping it quiet. He took this week to consult with a lawyer to figure out how much money they owe. He has also recently uncovered two things. Firstly, the business has been evading taxes. So he is very glad we didn't take legal action.

7:25 Huh. Hmm.

7:26 Huh.

7:28 Huh.

7:29 Hmm.

7:29 Sounds like maybe none of you deserve the money that you have. He has started the process to come clean and pay that back. Secondly, she also borrowed money from my grandparents, a decent amount, which she has never paid back. They have since passed on, so the lawyer said that amount will form part of the estate and will be owing between the three siblings. My cousin offered to sell his house to pay in full immediately if need be, but as an alternative... He and his lawyer have created a payment plan that would pay for my master's immediately.

8:01 They will take over my loan repayments immediately as well, and once it's paid, they will continue paying my mom back monthly until the total is settled. We will obviously be going with the plan where he doesn't lose his home. Despite my cousin and his lawyer seeming fair, they have both advised me to find my own lawyer for my mom's interests, and they have also offered to pay for that.

8:23 because of the age of the loan and lack of effort to collect on my mom's side, they could legally contest it or some of it, but my cousin won't be doing that. My cousin apologized to me profusely and said that he wouldn't ask me to keep the secret from the family, but appreciates that I kept it to myself and hopes we can continue that as long as he upholds the agreement we make. My cousin is an amazing human and we will work with him to try to make the impact of his mother's actions on his life Be as little as possible while remaining fair. And the best part of all this was that he planned on giving me my gift after my party when we were alone because he didn't want to steal my thunder.

9:03 It was a gift card and inside the envelope was a sonogram. I'm going to be a godmother soon and I can't wait. How exciting. And we have more answers and explanations later. From OP, but any thoughts on all of this and how the cousin's going about it?

9:24 You know, sometimes you find out you've been swindled out of money and you end up being a godmother.

9:30 It's true. And sometimes you find out someone swindled you into money and you must pay all of those people back and get a lawyer.

9:40 That's two sides of the coin.

9:43 Two sides of that coin you must pay back. Well, we've got answers. the money was in a savings account that was going to be used for my college costs. It was in my mom's name, so legally hers. She told my dad when I was applying for colleges, he's known for some time. I don't know if it affected the relationship and i don't plan on asking her and my father have done little to get the money back because she's not coping well with stress due to being sick any final thoughts i wish you well i wish you well i wish your mother well I would also, if I was your father, be pretty upset that your mom, I mean, at least in your words, secretly gave your.

10:22 Aunt that money, which is not cool, especially because it was, not only was it just their, you know, collective family money, but it was your college fund.

10:35 I mean, at the end of the day, they can say, well, we're gonna put this to them, but that's weird. especially when it was like, we're going to give them this money, but they have to pay it back, and then they just never do. You're missing half the equation there.

10:49 Yeah, go get your money. Well, we've got a little bit left. My aunt was upset because I outed a 25-year-long lie, more so than people knowing her previous work. I have apologized to her for what I said via text and have left it at that. I wouldn't even apologize to her. She literally stole your money.

11:06 Yeah, or she let your money be stolen and never got it back.

11:10 I have yet to hear back from her. I have also confronted my prejudice against spicy sleep workers privately. I won't deny I have judged her because of it. It's not something I'm proud of. This blew up at a bad time because my dad had overheard that my aunt is so proud of my cousin for moving out and living on his own at 22. He just boiled over on my behalf. That's actually wild for her to even act like Donnie is somehow better than you for moving out.

11:39 When she used your parents' money that was yours.

11:42 Yeah, and without it, the business would have imploded and they wouldn't be making all this money.

11:47 They wouldn't have nothing. But that's the end of that story. We've got nothing left of this story, but we have a lot left of other stories.

11:55 My mother demanded I buy gifts for all of our relatives using my life saving.

12:01 What if I didn't do that?

12:03 So, background, I, 22, female, started modeling at age 13.

12:08 Although.

12:32 I did buy things like textbooks, but that's small in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, my modeling jobs and insane savings and investing discipline let me build a great nest egg that I've now put in emergency funds, retirement accounts, and investment in the 50 to 80k range. I don't plan to spend it even now. It's my investment into my future. Perhaps buying property, or when I'm 30 and wanting to start a family. Who knows? I didn't make as much money as I probably could have if I took full advantage of a modeling career because I took school very seriously. I don't mean to sound like I'm tooting my horn, but I was easily the most studious, although not the most naturally intelligent, in my generation of

13:14 my extended family and made great grades and did the best in college, academic and career-wise.

13:20 I don't want to say that you're tooting your horn either, but you're tooting your horn.

13:25 I don't want to toot my horn, but....

13:30 I know you don't want to toot your horn, but are you a jazz hornist?

13:34 You're tooting it. By the way, this comes from Am I Being Scrooge? And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Dakota.

13:42 I am Sophia.

13:43 And we're going to read this story and have our good advice goofily, and you can let us know what you would do as well. But we don't always know everything, so remember that. And OP says... Most of my extended family is very comfortably middle class to pretty wealthy upper middle class. We are Asian, so maybe my problem is related to culture. We are also very close, closer than any other extended family group I know. I am the eighth youngest out of about 15, so middle range. I have 14 aunts and uncles and three grandparents each. Big family. Yowza.

14:18 They're awesome for the most part. When I graduated from college, I decided against pursuing modeling, which is a bad long-term career and a waste of my degree. And I went into a corporate life instead. I landed a job as an assistant planner for a major luxury retailer. Expensive stuff. I now live in New York City and make 50K, which frankly isn't great money considering the insane living expenses.

14:45 50K in New York is tough.

14:47 Indeed. And I've been at my first job for a month. I live like my nest egg doesn't exist, really. I'm very low maintenance, and so I'm living pretty below my means. Bagged lunches, lower than usual rent in a not-so-glamorous neighborhood. I've already used my job perks to get my mom and two grandmas gorgeous high-end wallets. Like a little Louis V.

15:11 And I also got my dad a nice shirt. Or something as a thank you. I've already dropped about $ 550 on these, way out of my means without taking the nest egg into consideration, but worth it considering how nice my parents were to pay for things like college. My siblings and cousins asked to pitch in for the Christmas gift since it's the nicest gift my grandparents and mom would have ever received, so maybe I'll end up having to spend less. On to the actual problem. So, my mom called me a week ago and has nagged me about it since, saying that I need to buy all 16 aunts and uncles and my grandparents separate gifts as a thank you for treating me well while growing up.

15:52 They said they complimented you a couple times. Every Christmas, they would say Merry Christmas to you.

15:59 Yes, and now you must pay them back with money.

16:03 I don't have. I'll send them a card.

16:05 To be clear, I was not given any special treatment. We were all treated pretty much equally. She demands I use my own money and says because of my nest egg, I can afford it and that it's custom to do so. She also demands all the presents be small but nice gifts from my company's store and that I need to do this by Thanksgiving when I come back home. Okay, first of all, Oh my god. What? What? That's over $ 1, 000.

16:52 That's crazy for her to, and then you just look at her, you just look at her and you say, you want me to spend over $ 1, 000?

17:00 Yeah. No.

17:01 What are we talking? I did the math. That's around 800 to 1,000 total. Yes, I have a nest egg, but I still think that's an insane amount of money considering I don't make much anymore and I'm trying to use my money for investment purposes, which is why I've been frugal with it since I was a child. Plus, I'm not the first kid to get my adult job.

17:23 Several of my siblings and cousins who are older than me landed jobs, too. Some a year or two before I did. And no kid has ever had to do this. I don't get why I'm the only one getting this demand. I think you do. It's the nest egg.

17:37 The nest egg. Never tell people about your nest eggs.

17:40 They want to get into the nest. They want to drink the egg.

17:44 Let me in there. Let me in there.

17:47 Now, because of my glamorous job, my nest egg, and my corporate discount, which, even with that, it's still insanely expensive stuff at this store, I have to, and only me? My cousin who has been working full-time four years ahead of me never had to, and he lives at home. I have rent and bills to pay, and I really don't want to dip into my savings to do this. Plus, I think if anyone really deserves gifts in that price range, it's my parents who paid for my life during my college years, which is why I bought those nice gifts already for Christmas. I called my sister to ask if what my mom was requesting was reasonable, and she said it's perfectly reasonable and equated me to being a Scrooge.

18:29 She says you're rich and that I need to loosen the purse strings a little and that $ 1, 000 is perfectly reasonable considering I'm only going to do this once.

18:38 Once this year. And then next year they'll say, well, you gotta be nice this Christmas too.

18:44 Yeah, you're so rich. Then she goes on that modeling was handed over to me and I never had to work hard for it. So what's the big deal? Yes, I was born with the right height and face, but I also had to compromise a ton of school opportunities to work. Far fewer friends in college because I never had time to. And I had to die at a crap dump since I was 15 to keep my weight in check. I still networked massively at my school and worked very hard to get to where I am now.

19:12 So I'm a bit insulted that she says it was all handed to me and now I should give it back as a thank you. Maybe I am Scrooge, but I think the best compromise is that I do the gift thing, which fine, I'll be the one kid that does that, whatever. But I will buy very small things like household decor or Christmas ornaments for each couple, aunt and uncle. I might buy something more reasonably priced like cosmetics for my grandmas, maybe a hat for grandpa. I don't know. I need to check out the store. My absolute max for everything will instead be $ 400 to $ 500, and I can pull this off if I don't do this at Thanksgiving, but Christmas instead, since my job will allow it. for even bigger discounts on the same items

19:52 anyway my sister proceeded to call me uptight and my mom said she's disappointed in me i have to deal with their bs at thanksgiving am i a cheapskate it's.

20:00 Just so incredibly unreasonable to ask you to pay a thousand dollars for 14 people i mean like you.

20:06 Know Just wait for Christmas. Do what you're thinking. Yeah. Just get them something small. Just a token of appreciation. Honestly, the best way to do that wouldn't even be with a monetary thing, but maybe it is a cultural thing. I don't know.

20:22 Hard, honestly, would be better of you saying, okay, I... I don't know. I think it's always sometimes people are so like, I need the gift. I need the gift. But sometimes people don't even use those gifts.

20:34 Well, I think there's a lot more weight sometimes to like obligated gift giving in Asian culture sometime. But there is an update. Five days later. So I read through all the messages and private messages with a lot of thought. Particularly the ones that mentioned the cultural context. I'm Korean. First things first, there definitely were people jumping to conclusions.

20:57 My mom is one of the most selfless people I know. She's the type that fussed over my moving expenses and insisted on buying me a mattress because if you buy your own, you'll buy a cheap one and I want you to rest well. Good mom. She also bought my sheets and checks up on how I'm doing often. When I decided against a career... that would have paid much more to pursue the fashion industry, she said to go for it. Same with my sister. Other typical Asian parents would have flipped their lid. She isn't someone who would demand a mile because I gave her an inch and neither is my dad. They never felt entitled to my money.

21:31 They could have legally used it when I was a minor or whatever, and they never touched my earnings, and even when I offered to help with some kind of expense, they turned the offers down. Sometimes, though, I do think my mom gets too obsessed with how other Asians perceive her and her family, And she's got her goods and bads. Yeah, it's definitely like the social hierarchy, social construct pressure.

21:52 Yeah, she wants her child to be, you know, to bring her a lot of respect. And she gets to point to them and say, oh, like, well, I know you have a nice child, but my child spent $ 1, 000 for all her aunts and uncles.

22:06 Yes, my child could get a gift for all of her aunts from her nice high-end store.

22:11 Yeah.

22:12 All her aunts and her uncles and her grandparents. She's so great. My parents have also been hugely struggling with the fact that I don't really identify with Asian culture. I'm openly not religious, which is rare for Koreans. I don't pay attention to K-dramas. I have never dated a Korean guy, and most of my friends are not Korean.

22:29 So this gift thing might have to do with that. I also feel people made strange assumptions about my family. My family never even mentioned receiving gifts. It was all my mom's idea. They didn't even know about the wallets. They were never entitled to my earnings or perks, and in fact, nobody has even called me up to ask to use my discount or anything. I talked things out with my boyfriend and a friend who's also Korean. They had different perspectives on the matter, but ultimately encouraged me to do what I want to, not what is demanded of me. Honestly, I do think the gifting thing is not a bad idea, despite my cousins never having had to do it. I did have an aunt that gave me a bunch of her bought-but-not-warrant designer clothes, so I

23:11 didn't have to buy fancy clothes for work, and gifted me some stunning pieces I could never have afforded, or another aunt that let me live rent-free with her while I modeled abroad. For those two aunts, I'll think of some other way to thank them, but the point is, overall, my family is very supportive of me, and I do appreciate it. My mom did end up texting my sister a few days ago, and she had the same demand, and my sister texted me back saying so. She agreed to it but has no idea what to gift since she lives on a similar budget to myself but with no discount perk. She agreed to do it by Thanksgiving so I can see what she did and try to do something of similar caliber unless it's out of my

23:50 price range. I called my mom and told her I'll gift my family but on my terms. I refused to do it by Thanksgiving but by Christmas for several reasons. The gifts could be the same but there's a special event for employees where the discounts can double or triple before Christmas. For like three days. So I could get the same nice things at even less cost. Stand on your business. I think this is a great compromise.

24:13 Yeah. I think you're doing what your mom wanted, just a little bit more reasonably. And I don't think she should. I'm sure she still will complain, but I don't think she'll complain as much.

24:27 I don't think it'll be as loud.

24:29 Yeah.

24:29 Yeah. Yeah. Opie says, I told her the gifts might be from the off-price or sister store counterpart of my company if it makes more sense with my budget and what I want to give. I also refused to drop any more than $ 400. I told my mom my nest egg was off limits because it was an investment for my future. So my gifting will come from my actual earnings.

24:52 And I refused to buy for each individual, telling her I'm buying per family unit and grandparent. Finally, I refused to let her decide what the gifts will be, but I promised I will keep it even and not buy something nicer for one family and not the other. She hated the ornaments idea because some of my family might not even bother putting up a tree. So I think I'm going to go for chocolates or see what the off price and sister stores have as well. I agree it's silly to give a nice ornament if they don't hang it up. And if I planned a gift by Christmas, an ornament is a pretty late gift. And my mom took it well. She apologized for asking me to dip into my savings.

25:30 Okay.

25:31 Good.

25:32 Big wins.

25:33 Oh, good.

25:34 I feel like you explaining, hey, I'm not dipping into this because I'm trying to be smart about my finances for the future is a good way to do it when you have a parent that is like this, I feel.

25:49 Yeah. She was a bit pushy on what I planned to give, but I stood firm. We stand firm. We stand tall. We hold the line.

25:57 Stand together. Don't break the line.

26:00 But get him a nice little something, you know? Get him a bag. Get him a bag charm.

26:04 Bag of See's candy. No one hates a bag of See's candy.

26:08 Bag of candy. There it is. Now you see it.

26:10 Or a box of candy.

26:10 Yeah.

26:11 But that is the end of that story. We got another one. Hey, this is Riley, your favorite Southern Belle. We're going to get back to these stories, but here's three minutes worth of ads from our sponsors. My grandmother refused to come to my baby's party unless I invited my entitled uncle.

26:27 Guess you're not coming to my baby's party. I, 23 female, have an almost one-year-old daughter, and the last six months I've been planning her first birthday. You've been planning her first birthday for six months?

26:43 For half of her life.

26:45 Half of her life you've been planning her first birthday?

26:48 It's a small celebration because we're paying for everything ourselves, and we're on a tight budget.

26:52 And she's a baby.

26:54 And she's one. From the beginning, I decided I only wanted to invite people who are genuinely involved in my daughter's life, people who visit her and ask about her and remember her birthday, and actually make an effort to be present. To be fair, it's easy to forget when there hasn't been one yet, right?

27:09 Yeah, it's like, oh, wait, when was she born?

27:12 Well, there's only been one birthday the day she was born.

27:14 How am I supposed to remember something that's only happened once?

27:19 I even had to leave out some close friends because I simply couldn't afford to invite everyone. One person who wasn't on the guest list was my dad's brother. I'll call him Dan. I have absolutely nothing against his son. He's a wonderful kid. Dan, on the other hand, is one of the most entitled people I've ever met. He's constantly unemployed because his job is supposedly beneath him. Someone even helped him get a car so he could work as a taxi driver, and he refused because he thought driving a taxi wasn't good enough for him. Despite always needing help from others, he somehow still acts like the world owes him something. More importantly, he's never made any effort to have a relationship with my daughter. He rarely

28:04 asks about her, never visits, and has never been involved in her life, so honestly, inviting him never even crossed my mind. By the way, this comes from user CharmanderUwu. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit. I'm Dakota.

28:19 I'm Sophia.

28:20 And our duty is to read this story and give our goofy advice. But we can't be right all the time, so let us know what you would do in the comments. Or let us know if you think we're completely wrong. And OP says, The problem started after my grandparents came into the picture. My grandmother has a habit of getting my father to pressure everyone into doing what she wants instead of accepting no for an answer. If she wants the family car, she convinces my dad to lend it to her for days. If she wants someone to change their mind, she doesn't talk to that person directly. She pressures my father until he pressures everyone else. This has happened before. While I was pregnant, I had already chosen

29:02 my daughter's name and I wanted her to have one first name. My grandmother disagreed. She was sending me Arabic names because my family has Palestinian roots and insisted that I should at least give my daughter one as a middle name. I politely refused. Over and over. Eventually, she started calling my father, hoping he would convince me to change my mind. He tried, but I still registered my daughter with the single name I had chosen. I'd It'd be funny if OP is actually talking about naming their daughter like Madonna. Yeah, they're like Cher. Yeah, it's just one word.

29:37 This is my daughter, Cher, and that's it.

29:41 So this pattern is not new. For the birthday, I invited my grandparents. I did not invite Dan, and I also never told my grandparents they could bring him. When my grandmother realized that he wasn't invited, she announced that she wasn't coming either because it's the only family your father has. Then Dan complained to my dad. Instead of respecting my decision, my father called me and started pressuring me to invite them. I explained that every additional guest costs money.

30:10 What are you doing?

30:12 I will say.

30:13 What's the celebration?

30:15 You're a little off the wall here for having a... I don't even know what to call it. Like a extravagant somewhat... I mean, maybe it's not.

30:28 Well, OP said, you know, oh, we're doing a small things. We're paying for a pocket. But like in my mind, a small thing for a one year old is a couple people come over for dinner and we blow out a candle.

30:41 Yeah. Like who are we? Are we getting the wiggles? Are we booking the wiggles for this evening's entertainment? What's going on? This should be dipping into the piggy bank, not the savings account. Yeah.

30:53 Why did it take you six months to plan this?

30:56 Uh, I explained that every additional guest costs money. No one offered to pay for those extra meals. No one offered to help with the decorations or anything else. They simply expected me to make room because they believed they were entitled to be there. What frustrates me even more is that inviting Dan means I now feel obligated to invite some of my partner's relatives too. We had intentionally kept both sides of the family small to stay within our budget. If I make an exception for my uncle, it wouldn't be fair not to make the same exception for my partner's family. People who have actually been much more present in our daughter's life. So this isn't just adding two extra guests anymore, it's five. Five people I

31:37 hadn't budgeted for, five extra meals, and five more seats. And not a single person who pressured me offered to contribute financially. Are you booking a venue?

31:47 They must be. They must be booking some sort of venue.

31:50 Because.

31:52 I don't know. Solution number one, potluck.

31:55 Yeah, straight. Solution number one, a birthday where it doesn't cost any money at all to do it because it's just people at your place. Yeah. They're one.

32:05 Like you literally just say like, hey, everyone come over, bring a dish. I'll make some food.

32:13 Have a picnic at the park.

32:14 Yeah, for real. They're one years old.

32:17 My partner keeps saying that if someone isn't paying for the party, they don't get to decide the guest list. He also hates seeing my father constantly manipulated into pressuring me to give in. In the end, I gave in because I was exhausted by all the guilt tripping and family drama. But honestly, I'm resentful. It no longer feels like I'm celebrating my daughter's birthday the way we want it.

32:37 It feels like I was pressured into changing our plans just to keep everyone else happy. I don't even know what I expect from posting this. I guess I just needed to vent because I'm so tired of relatives acting like my decisions aren't really mine to make, especially when they're not the ones paying the bill. Opie, I hope you're ready for everyone to tell you your one-year-old birthday party's a little extra.

33:01 Yeah, I imagine those will be a majority of the comments.

33:05 But your principles are sound.

33:08 Yeah.

33:08 It's your party.

33:10 You can do what you want to.

33:11 Exactly. Let's see how we fared here 12 days later. The birthday has already happened, and it was perfect. Many people asked what ended up happening with my grandma and whether she brought Dan anyway. She did not. After all the drama, it turned out her final excuse for not coming was that she supposedly felt embarrassed about using the bathroom in someone else's house. Grandma, you're not built for the world, Grandma. You're not built for the world.

33:43 That was the reason?

33:45 Yeah. I just say, okay, Grandma. At no point did anyone mention Dan anymore. Since they had insisted this was about my cousin, not Dan, I sent my cousin a direct invitation, and he told me he couldn't come because he was going to be with his mom that weekend. That also meant my grandmother no longer had the excuse of bringing Dan because of the child. I had been very clear from the beginning Dan was not invited. I even told my grandmother that if my cousin came with her, I simply couldn't afford to cover another adult because my budget was already stretched to its limit. So, no Dan, I'm not even going to flame you about your budget anymore.

34:26 It's okay.

34:26 Your budget was stretched to its limit?

34:29 You budget whatever you budget, I guess.

34:31 Either Opie has the tiniest budget or the most expensive one-year-old baby party.

34:37 This is a high profile if Tom Hanks was there.

34:40 Yes, they hired Tom Hanks to do a little run around the... A little jaunt around the party.

34:47 He was dancing around while the wiggles sang.

34:49 Tom's going, ooh, ooh.

34:52 So no Dan, no surprise guest, no family showdown. Honestly, that alone let me breathe a little easier. The funny part is that I managed to avoid drama from my family only to get front row seats to drama from my partner's family instead.

35:08 Front row.

35:09 Ah. The party was held at my in-law's house, and my mother-in-law spent almost the entire party with what can only be described as the face of someone who had just smelled spoiled milk. And the reason was my partner's father. Her ex was there. What do you mean? This is happening at the in-law's house? Where's the cost? Who did you cater to?

35:35 I don't know.

35:36 It seems that they probably did cater someone.

35:38 They got Nobu and Caviar. Mother-in-law barely greeted anyone, didn't help with anything, and mostly kept herself looking miserable. The only tiny bit of karma was that she was so busy being upset that she completely forgot to take pictures with my daughter. By the time she remembered, my daughter was already tired and cranky, so she never got those pictures. Meanwhile, my own mom helped us constantly throughout the party, and the rest of my family was amazing. My partner is actually still upset with his mom because she didn't lift a finger, not even to help serve dessert. But that's probably a story for another day. Any final thoughts?

36:16 Just that, you know what? You need to work on your party planning.

36:21 I think so. If you're having the party at your in-law's place, why does it cost so much money?

36:27 Why does it cost so much money?

36:29 What do we do? Who is that even for?

36:32 Your one-year-old will not remember.

36:33 They can't. Their brain doesn't have that function yet. They can't do it. The best part is that I barely noticed any of the drama going on while it was happening. I was completely focused on my daughter. She had so much fun. She smiled, laughed, and enjoyed herself, and seeing her so happy made every stressful moment worth it. The pictures turned out absolutely beautiful, and if it weren't for privacy reasons, I'd happily show all of you. Thank you again for all your advice and encouragement. You really gave me the confidence to stand my ground, and I'm grateful for that. Sometimes Reddit can be chaotic, but this time, it genuinely helped.

37:09 Did anyone call you out for how expensive your party was?

37:13 I have to assume they did, right?

37:16 Yeah, maybe she's just not reading them.

37:17 Just asking the question.

37:20 I just want to know.

37:21 Well, some things will forever be a mystery. And that's the end of this story. Let's head to the next one.

37:27 My relatives hijacked our vacation twice, so I refuse to go a third time.

37:32 You won't fool me thrice, baby.

37:35 To give a little bit of context, since I'm male 18, me and my mom make a vacation trip that happens every year, and it's sort of our little tradition. I left her house when I was 22, but we stayed in touch and kept a very good relationship. We still travel every year, and it became even more special now because we don't get to stay together as much as we used to. So we used this time to be together.

37:59 Two years ago, two of my father's aunts asked where we were going on vacation that year and they would tag along because our trips looked like fun. We were caught by surprise, but my mother gives them the whole itinerary. They end up tagging on with us the whole trip and being a nuisance and asking me to carry things around.

38:17 They don't speak English and don't even try, so they order me around so I get stuff done for them. It was the worst experience ever. But eventually it ended and we joked that we would never have other people come along. Last year, my uncle, her brother, asked if he could travel with us on our next vacation because it looked fun. Yeah, you know where this is going.

38:38 This time it was worse. We got individual rooms, but this time I had to share the room with my uncle so he could save some money. I live alone, so I'm not used to sharing a house with someone. Even worse, a room! Same communication issues and some personality ones. They end up fighting from time to time. Siblings, you know.

38:59 And by the end of the trip, I told my mother that it's okay if she wants to travel with whoever she wants, but I'm not up to it. And we'll pass next time. By the way, this comes from Shiny Miss Drevis. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Sophia.

39:16 I'm Dakota.

39:17 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And op says this year we are planning a cruise trip and some time in europe on thursday she told me she had paid her part on the travel agency and i could send them the money to cover my part when i talked to them they asked if i'm op or op's uncle my mother had invited my uncle to travel with us again And after knowing that, I said that something came up and would call another day to finish the payment. Today, I called my mother and told her that I'm not paying and won't travel this year because I don't want to repeat the same experience from last year. She started crying, saying he invited himself again,

40:04 and she couldn't say no. But this time would be different because on the cruise, each one can do whatever they want. Am I the a-hole for not wanting to waste my vacation? The only time of the year I'm off work and can enjoy things that I like, or just relax, traveling with someone I dislike, and I feel even worse because she didn't even tell me. I found out because the agency guy asked me who I was.

40:27 Is OP the a-hole?

40:29 What do we do?

40:32 No.

40:32 No. These people bother you when you travel with them. It doesn't matter who they are.

40:37 They're And you already said you wouldn't travel with them again. You were pretty clear, like, I don't want to travel with these people. If you want to travel, sure. But I'm not coming with.

40:49 Yeah. You've already laid the law down.

40:51 You laid the law down. I don't know what your mom expected. But we got an update four days later. Had dinner with my mother yesterday and we straightened things out. Good thing I had therapy a day before so I was bulletproof to her manipulation when I told her, yet again, how I was feeling neglected and that she overstuffed the boundaries I'd made. She was really sorry, but both of them already paid and couldn't cancel without losing a considerable sum of money. I told her to enjoy the trip.

41:19 And good luck in the trips to come because I wouldn't tag along anymore, as long as Uncle was a part of it. Again, she cried a lot and suggested that we have another trip in July, just the two of us.

41:30 Just, right, just put it out there. Hammer, meat, nail. You say, hey, I found this. Why'd you do that? Yeah.

41:38 And if she says, oh, well, like, what if we went on another trip? You go, okay, well, again, you can plan it. If I find out Uncle is going, I will not go. And then you will have wasted money. I listened to the proposal. I didn't quite want to accept it. I'm still feeling betrayed and more so the trip that we planned and was prepared for almost four months wouldn't be the same. She'll go with my uncle and I have to settle for another destination. I didn't say no yet. I'm not that stubborn and really like to travel with her. It's just I still got that bad taste in my mouth but didn't want to act recklessly.

42:13 I'm very inclined to travel with her in July and I'll just sit on this thought for a while. Unfortunately, I can't wait too long, otherwise prices will skyrocket. Thanks for all the feedback and kind words. Hope this shows my relatives that they can't push me around and infiltrate my well-earned vacation. And that's the end of the story.

42:33 I don't know if it does show. It seems like they're just going to keep infiltrating, and your mom's going to keep putting up with it.

42:39 Yeah, I think it's showing them they're going to have to try harder.

42:42 Yeah. They're like, oh, now we have to trick him into thinking that we're not coming, and then we come.

42:47 Ambush.

42:48 But that's the end of that story.

42:51 My husband drained all our accounts and wants the kids and I out in a week.

42:57 Um, could I get a reason, please?

42:59 Trigger warning for this story. There is financial. I need a divorce lawyer. On Wednesday, I bought him an effing Christmas present. On Thursday, I found out he gave me an STI. And on Friday, he admitted he's been cheating.

43:14 Whoa, what a turn of events.

43:17 The unholy trinity.

43:19 Of the week.

43:19 Of events. Yesterday, he drained our accounts and he says I need to be out of the house by Christmas Eve. We have four kids, eight, six, five, and two, and I haven't worked since the oldest was born. Our relationship has been bad since before my youngest daughter was born. We hadn't meant to get pregnant. This week, I tested positive for an STI. I investigated, confronted him, and he admitted it, and we had a huge fight where he stormed out of the house. Yesterday, my credit card was declined at the grocery store and I couldn't get cash.

43:54 He has emptied all of our accounts. I was in charge of the bills and finances, so I know exactly how much was in our checking savings and money market account. He's even changed his passwords for his 401k.

44:07 Wow.

44:08 And by the way, this comes from Broken and Confused 8. If you want to submit your own stories, go to our subreddit, the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Dakota.

44:16 And I'm Savannah.

44:17 And we're going to read this story and we're going to be as goofy as we can when we give our advice, but we might not know everything. So let us know what you know in the comments. And OP says, he didn't respond to my frantic texts all day, but just sent me an email saying I had a week to get myself and my kids out of his house and that I had better get a job or go back to my parents if I expect to feed them. Okay, so first instinct would be make sure all of this is saved, right? Is he sending these in text, or where is he telling you this? Because a judge is going to love to see that.

44:54 Yeah, this is crazy. You cannot do that.

44:58 He's fully like, oh, man.

45:02 There's got to be a law for this.

45:03 There is. We bought the house together before the kids were born, and I paid half of the down payment. I have no money or credit cards, so I can't even get a lawyer. I'm sitting here staring at a Christmas tree, crying and wondering if I'll have to return my children's presents for food. I have no idea how this happened. I live two hours away from my family, so even if I get a job, I'd have to pay for daycare. Should I sell my wedding and engagement rings?

45:31 I mean, regardless, probably yes, right?

45:35 Yeah, why not? I'll get that money for you, girl.

45:37 Do I make a resume and apply for a job in my old field, which was accounting, or just get a job at Starbucks or McDonald's? Can he do this? And there is an update more than two weeks later. I am not a divorce lawyer, but it really feels like he can't do this.

45:52 Yeah, this sounds really, really bad on.

45:57 Both sides.

45:58 Yeah. And I think, I don't know. It would make sense to me that you could get a lawyer for this. and have the payments not up front and probably negotiate it somewhere in the whatever kind of court agreement you come to when it comes to like his child support because when he's like go feed the kids they're gonna start he's gonna have to pay and.

46:24 Yeah for sure he has to pay alimony he's the one who did all of that he's the one who caused all of this.

46:29 So yeah he's paying exactly and i don't know the laws in your state i don't know any of the laws i'm not a lawyer But it would make sense to me that if he was trying to like hostilely like, like boot you out of the house and make you and the kids like homeless with no way to.

46:45 Provide for yourself or them.

46:47 It makes sense that there could be an avenue for him to also have to pay your legal fees and stuff. I don't know. But hopefully you talk to somebody. Probably get ready to go back home. Make just a contingency plan to go back to your parents. And let's see what this update says. So this all happened on a Sunday.

47:05 So there wasn't a lot I could do right then. I put the kids to bed and called my mom and cried. Very understandably so. Then I called my mother-in-law, who was horrified. Oh, didn't even think about call his mom. Call his mama.

47:21 Call his mama.

47:23 My in-laws came over that night with $ 200 in cash and a check for much more. My father-in-law didn't say much, but he did fix my bathroom door, which is how he shows affection. And muttered that he would fix this. Oh, it's so dad coded. He's like, I don't know how to show up emotionally in this moment, but I will fix your bathroom door.

47:42 I will give you a new door so you can cry on the other side.

47:45 He says, I'm going to fix this. I opened a new checking account at a new bank. Thanks for this advice. With the check my in-laws gave me, I opened a new credit card in my name. My mother deployed a niece to help with the child care for the next week. Not deployed. I imagine her jumping out of the back of an airplane.

48:04 That's exactly what I thought, too.

48:07 She parachutes in. Go, go, go, go! I called in a lot of child-minding favors, and with the cash my in-laws gave me, I was able to pay the babysitter while I worked this out. I met with two divorce attorneys, and both of them told me about what you had said, that he was legally screwed.

48:24 Good, as he should be.

48:27 I chose one, and we set the process in motion to get an emergency hearing. But by Tuesday, my old checking account had most of the money back. And my husband was asking to talk. Oh, it sounds like he spoke to his own attorney.

48:43 He went, oh, no.

48:45 What did I do? Can you imagine the attorney after OP's ex-husband is telling him all the stuff? And the attorney's just like, you did what? Oh, buddy. Oh, buddy, you're, oh, God, undo it. Ask to talk.

49:02 Ask to talk.

49:04 On the advice of my lawyer, I took half of the checking account money and put it in my new bank account and kept records of everything. I pulled our credit reports and he has over $ 40, 000 in credit card debt. Yikes. Sounds like that affair was expensive.

49:22 Dang.

49:23 I mean, he was probably paying for a whole nother family.

49:26 I also found out that he received a raise last year and funneled this money out of our shared accounts. I would have figured this out when we did our taxes and this led him to panicking and trying to erase us. Keep in mind, this a-hole gave me gonorrhea. I love how that says he's like, no, I was just panicking for the taxes. It had nothing to do with me cheating on you that I also blew everything up.

49:52 I just didn't want you to know that I was secretly doing everything behind your back, babe.

49:56 Yeah, I am an accountant by trade and I'm afraid of credit card debt the way some girls are afraid of spiders. So I was horrified about this. But my lawyer thinks it's likely that he'll have to take this debt on his own, as my name isn't on it. And it seems that most of it was spent on his side piece. Oh, it was for the affair.

50:16 Dang, what's she need for $ 40, 000?

50:19 Birkin bags.

50:21 New car.

50:24 We have started mediation, which he agreed to when he realized that he would need to pay for both of our divorce attorneys. Let's go. That's what I'm talking about. We are almost at the end of this story. Let's see how OP finishes it. I love it. This is good. It started really bad.

50:43 Yeah, what a turn of events. That happened in the span of a week. You found out day after day after day, just more things.

50:51 This man deserves nothing.

50:54 No more hands. Cut his hands off.

50:56 No hands for this. How dare he be like, you have to... He threatened to make his entire family homeless for Christmas. Right?

51:07 All four of his kids and his wife just being like, oh, yeah, you gotta... You gotta go.

51:13 Santa's not coming this year. Yeah, Santa's not giving him coal. Santa's gonna come down the chimney and suplex him.

51:19 And saw him in half.

51:21 Santa is WWE super slamming you every year forever.

51:26 Oh, oh, oh!

51:28 My goal, which my lawyer thinks is reasonable, is to ask for alimony until I either remarry, which is not likely, or my two-year-old is in school full-time, and to have a reasonable amount of child support until she's 18... and then we'll split college costs for all of them. When all the kids are in school, I can concentrate on getting back to work. I also plan to sell the house and buy a smaller house in a less elite section of town where the kids can share rooms and I can live mortgage-free. So I'm heartbroken and diseased. But there's also an incredible weight that has lifted from me.

52:04 Dang, I don't know what's... I mean, I guess there is a good side to all this, but homeless and diseased is just.

52:11 Heartbroken.

52:12 Sorry, heartbroken and diseased.

52:15 Yes. Well, you know what could be worse?

52:16 You could be home.

52:17 Heartbroken and diseased, but I'm light as a feather. Our marriage has been bad for so long, and I didn't even realize how unhappy I was and how absent my husband was. It took my five-year-old almost a week to realize that daddy was gone.

52:31 Dang.

52:33 But that's not a present father.

52:35 Yeah, so it sounded like he was crappy from the beginning.

52:39 But that is the end of that story. We've got another one coming right up.

52:44 My husband complained he was doing all the work while failing at every task.

52:49 Ah, failing upwards.

52:52 For the first time in our relationship, my husband, 40 male, said he was willing to work on our issues, read books, talk about things.

53:00 The first time ever? How long have you guys been together?

53:04 And that's all you really need to do, read books and talk about things. I, 34, female, was stunned. We have always resolved arguments by him refusing to talk to me for a few days, which makes me very, very stressed. Sometimes we do talk about the issue afterwards, which usually turns into a second fight and can turn into a second stonewall. Stonewalling always leaves me broken. Whenever I have brought up counseling or talking or working through our issues, he has completely dismissed it. He doesn't think there's anything wrong.

53:35 He's stressed by the freeze-outs too, so he doesn't see why I'm making such a big deal of it, etc. If I tell him that it is a much bigger deal for me, he might promise to keep the stone walls at under 24 hours but never follows through. What?

53:51 That's crazy.

53:53 I promise, babe, I'll only stonewall you for less than 24 hours. But I can't really promise that.

53:59 This is ridiculous.

54:00 So stupid.

54:02 Well, After the most recent stonewall of three plus days, I told him I can't deal with this and I am leaving him. Good.

54:09 I would think that I would do this same thing.

54:11 Yeah.

54:11 For God's sake.

54:13 Like, what are you even there for?

54:15 I meant it. It was not a threat. I can't keep putting myself through this. There are other issues too. Constant criticism and blame. Total lack of romance.

54:25 No flowers. No gifts. No dates.

54:27 No empathy. No caregiving when I am sick. And very little affection. So it's not like I'm leaving over just one thing. By the way, this comes from Am I Really Doing This 34?

54:38 And if you want to submit your own.

54:39 Stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit.

54:41 I'm Savannah.

54:42 I'm Dakota.

54:43 And we heard you talk about some stuff, give some advice, but we don't have all your answers. We're only going to do what we do. So let us know what you would do down in the comments. As OP says, And just to be clear, I am not blameless either. I have ADHD, which makes me disorganized and messy, which is what sets him off. But unlike him, I have always made my best efforts to work on myself and take his concerns seriously. When I bring up anything, he dismisses it. Edited to add this bit. Just to be clearer, still, there's good bits to the marriage. He loves me in his own way, which is to be reliable and never wanting to leave me no matter how much I annoy him and doing lots of work around the house.

55:25 Okay. Read that one back, OP, and let me know how that sounds.

55:31 He knows that he's never going to leave me, and he also just does a lot of housework.

55:36 For me, it was how she's like, no matter how much I annoy him, it's like, I don't know.

55:42 Why are you putting yourself there?

55:44 You've been tricked into thinking you're the huge issue. Yeah.

55:49 He didn't make me feel bad at all when I was a stay-at-home mom for not contributing financially. He shouldn't.

55:57 He should not make you feel bad about that. I feel like that's a given. He's a very involved, hands-on dad, a full 50-50 parenting partner. On the days when he hasn't yelled at me because I forgot to call the plumber or I let some food go bad in the fridge, when we are getting along with good feelings all around, we really get each other. We have lovely conversations. He makes me laugh. We challenge each other intellectually. We'll play ping pong and have fun. Oh, good. I mean, I just...

56:28 Just doesn't seem like it's very talk. You can't like all these things are great. Like, yeah, you have he has good qualities. You have good qualities, whatever. But at the end of the day, you are both unhappy and you can't communicate that. So that's an issue anyway. So this morning when I said I would leave, he was very angry. But he also said he's willing to do anything to get me to stay. He said, I am making a mistake. It's stupid to throw away what we have over this. He loves me, and then he promised to work on us, read books, etc. He said he was willing to go to counseling if that is what it takes. My jaw dropped, and I said, really? And he immediately said, no, not counseling, but pretty much anything else. Oh,

57:12 the one thing that's going to help I'm not going to do. But I'll do anything else. I am still surprised. I never expected this. It's such a 180 from what he has always said that I told him, okay. If you can try to work things out, then I can stay to see how we do. Did I make a mistake? I don't know if he will stick with it. I don't know if he will do anything at all. It's very likely that even the first conversation we have, he will immediately become defensive, angry, etc. And then say this is the end of the conversation and stonewall me again.

57:43 But I figured if this happens, then I can still leave, right? I don't think he can suddenly learn to communicate properly after so many years, to be honest.

57:53 I don't have much hope.

57:54 Yeah. You can still leave.

57:57 Yeah. Is he like holding you hostage?

58:00 Is he? It almost sounds like it.

58:02 He's like, I'll do anything, babe.

58:04 Except the one thing you really want me to do.

58:06 I'm not going to do that. But like, I'll do anything you want, babe.

58:08 I'll do anything. I'll lock you in the basement. I'll do anything.

58:14 We will be talking for the first time tonight. I want to use this first time to set up a regular weekly time to talk through our issues. I also want to lay down some ground rules for our discussions. I know the bulk of the responsibility for keeping our conversations on track and even starting them off slash continuing with them will be on my shoulders. Why won't it be on both your shoulders? You both need to, that needs to be a priority for both of you. That's how relationships work. Why would that be just on you?

58:42 It feels like the reality of like trad wife perspective where it's just like, Oh, it's everything. I have to do everything that's not make the money.

58:52 Yeah, which is just crazy.

58:55 He's very likely to huff and puff and go away. What should I do? What should I say? Did I make a mistake in agreeing to stay and work on it?

59:04 I think you made a mistake marrying this guy.

59:06 I don't think that he's going to do the work at all because.

59:10 even if he tries to do it, he's going to throw it back in your face and be like, yeah, see?

59:14 Even this didn't even work. Blah, blah, blah. You want to do this, but look how it's working out.

59:18 It's still not working. That's exactly what he would do.

59:21 Yeah.

59:21 He would make sure it doesn't work and then say, see? Yeah.

59:25 So.

59:26 I think you just need to be done with it. Let him sit in his.

59:29 Misery a little bit.

59:31 Sometimes that helps. Update.

59:33 It's been about 10 weeks since my post. Here's what happened. The evening after I made that post, I told my husband there is no way we will be able to work everything out on our own, and we need to go to counseling. He reluctantly agreed. We started couples counseling the very next week. It's really quite strange how counseling has progressed. My husband made one change, stopping with the yelling, immediately and totally. He hasn't yelled at me over little things for weeks now, but I have progressively gotten more and more angry with, disappointed in, and disconnected from him because of everything he's said and done during these weeks in counseling, which also caused me to sort of wake up to all that he has done in the past.

1:00:15 I have an appointment with a lawyer next week. We are done. Number two takes a bit of explanation, so here goes. I am quite stunned by how little effort this guy is willing to put into the relationship in spite of so desperately wanting to hold on to it. So he made one change. The end of all yelling.

1:00:33 I was really, really relieved and grateful and impressed. Until he started complaining about four days in. That he was putting in all the effort and seeing negative returns. This has remained his stance for all these 10 to 11 weeks. I am flabbergasted. Our couples counselor has straight up said to him, I am supposed to be neutral here, but on this, I am comfortable saying you are wrong. She is making a huge effort at this relationship and you need to know that. But in private, my husband dismisses everything I'm doing as intangible or selfish and therefore not real.

1:01:11 And he complains nonstop that I'm not my usual self.

1:01:15 Ugh.

1:01:16 Examples, the doormat who danced around managing his feelings and walking on eggshells all the time. This is not the person I fell in love with, he keeps saying. Why should I bother making all this effort?

1:01:28 And then it's just it, and it's done. I can't believe you've dealt with that for ten weeks.

1:01:33 Yeah. And also, it's just the fact to be like, yeah, you're not the person that I fell in love with. Okay, and this is who I am. So. I'm trying to make the changes necessary and you are just still coming at me in every direction saying that I'm doing it wrong or that there's some negative response to what I'm doing.

1:01:51 You don't even love me. You just have, you love having power over me.

1:01:55 Yeah, there you go.

1:01:56 Ding, ding, ding.

1:01:57 He's on it. For my part, yes, I am not the person he fell in love with. The couple's counselor told me to stop trying to manage his feelings for him and try to be myself. And I took that very seriously. I no longer try to intuit when he is angry or hurt and ask him what's wrong and try to cajole him into working things out. I leave it to him to bring it up with me if something is bothering him. If he's in a bad mood and sulking, I just leave him alone and go on with my own thing until he wants to talk. Truthfully, that's the way you should have always been doing it.

1:02:30 Because why does he need like, you know, a little, like someone to be like, honey, are you all right?

1:02:35 Is everything okay?

1:02:37 Oh, what do you need?

1:02:38 Like, come on, baby.

1:02:40 Come on, baby boy.

1:02:40 What's wrong?

1:02:41 Tell me what's wrong.

1:02:42 He's just a sassy little brat.

1:02:44 Yeah, literally.

1:02:45 Like he needs like a mother figure or something. Like, please get over yourself. If he is stonewalling me, which he has started doing for a few days after every single counseling session, I no longer let it affect my mood. This seems to be making him feel completely unloved and abandoned, which I only know because he has broken down and cried and yelled at me after the stonewall.

1:03:05 You don't care about me anymore.

1:03:07 And I've been saying, if something is bothering you, you need to tell me. I won't read your mind, and I won't cave to your freeze-outs. Cue his standard line.

1:03:16 What effort are you making in this relationship? Why am I the only one who's doing anything here?

1:03:21 Why should I continue to do this work when you're being so selfish?

1:03:25 Dude, do you hear yourself? I mean, seriously, like.

1:03:29 He does hear himself, but to him it just sounds like, Oh yes, I'm right. I'm so right all the time. Like... That's all he hears when he speaks.

1:03:40 It's just the fact that she's taking this seriously and he's not.

1:03:43 And you can tell because he hasn't changed.

1:03:46 He stopped yelling at you that he should have never been doing that in the first place. And the fact that like, that's the only change he's really made.

1:03:54 Like, oh, yay.

1:03:55 Now I don't, you know, but it's also moved into just, oh, now I'm just going to complain about everything. Instead of yelling at you and making you feel bad, I'm just going to complain about every single thing that you do or don't do.

1:04:06 It's his attitude.

1:04:08 Yes.

1:04:08 That is the full problem.

1:04:11 The stoppage of yelling was homework from the very first session.

1:04:15 He did that.

1:04:15 But subsequent sessions' homework has been things like go on a date this week and make one show of affection as soon as you're home from work and make time for conversation before bedtime, etc. All of which have been spectacular failures. On our date, he refused everything. To so much as hold my hand and spend all his time wandering off on his own.

1:04:40 We were at a museum.

1:04:42 And when I brought it up later, he got massively pissed, saying.

1:04:45 We went on a date! What more do you want? What more could there possibly be?

1:04:52 I don't know, maybe like, Could we enjoy it together maybe? Be like, oh, this is interesting, right? And then I turn around and you're nowhere to be seen.

1:05:02 Just fast walking away.

1:05:04 Yeah, like, oh, what a wonderful day we just had. People probably think we're complete strangers like we didn't even come here together because.

1:05:11 Of how you're acting. The show of affection?

1:05:14 Well, he used to do it if he came home later than me, but if I come home from work later than him, he is always distracted and does not reciprocate my hug even after I point it out. And now, since he started stonewalling me for days after each counseling session, I haven't even tried to do this homework because F it.

1:05:32 Who wants to hug a stonewaller? Same goes for conversation before bedtime.

1:05:36 I just think you gotta be done.

1:05:38 He's not doing anything and, you know, I feel like you're getting way more out of this and the thing is, Sometimes this happens in toxic relationships or something. You want the person to go. You end up both going. They get worse because they're like, I don't want to do this, blah, blah, blah. But because you were so open to it and you wanted to do it and you're trying to make the difference, you're actually gaining confidence and strength and courage to do all of these things. And he's just sitting there watching you get better. And then he's like, well, why isn't that working for me?

1:06:08 Because, dude, you don't want to.

1:06:10 You don't want to change. She does. She does. She wants to change.

1:06:14 She wants this to work, but you're not doing anything.

1:06:16 You're just a rotten egg, dude.

1:06:18 Yeah, you're just going to sit and mope and stonewall. That's really fun.

1:06:22 Like, what?

1:06:23 You can't do it, bro. If we're like full grown adults, we've been dating forever. You're stonewalling me.

1:06:28 Done.

1:06:29 Again, it's like one of my biggest things. Like, you genuinely like silent treatment me. It's over.

1:06:37 Yeah.

1:06:37 It's just like you can't even communicate how you feel.

1:06:40 Like, how pathetic is that? Truthfully.

1:06:42 I'd give you a day, Tops. You do it more than once, though. It's over.

1:06:47 This crap has really woken me up, y'all. I don't know what sort of fantasy I had constructed out of the whole cloth that made me love this guy. He really doesn't want to lift a finger. He seems to lose it completely at the thought of my leaving. Cries seems desperate, but it translates into zero action. He really doesn't care about me at all. Anyway, I said as much to him early this week and told him I'm leaving next week. I have an appointment with an attorney to see what my options are. This crap is really happening.

1:07:19 I am leaving.

1:07:21 I'm scared as crap and my emotions are effing fried, but I have never been.

1:07:27 More sure of anything.

1:07:30 And truthfully, girl, I think you're going to be so much happier like without him. Like not having to deal with his emotions on top of your emotions. And now you're just focusing on yourself and your kid and trying to, you know, figure out what you want rather than what he wants. Like you're going to feel so much better because you can't just spill all of your emotions and energy into someone who literally gives you nothing like a stonewall. You, you are literally like crying to a wall and you're like, why, why is it not? Nothing's changing. Yeah. Wall's not going to change. It's just going to sit there and be a wall. That's what it does. That's what he wants to do. So let him be.

1:08:10 Go be miserable.

1:08:11 And I'm going to go work on myself and have fun.

1:08:13 That's right. Let him wall out.

1:08:15 Let him wall out.

1:08:16 But that's the end of that story. And we got another one coming right up.

1:08:20 Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite goofball host here. And we're going to get back to the stories. But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. My wife announced she was pregnant and then confessed something the very next day.

1:08:33 Mmm, let me guess.

1:08:36 Not pregnant? So, my wife, 28 female, and I, 29 male, got married when we were 23 and 24. Since getting married, she's been the best thing that's ever happened to me. Anyway, she's recently announced to me she's pregnant, which should have been incredible news. But the day after she made her announcement, she said... We need to talk. Mmm. the spookiest sentence when she sat me down she told me that the night before our wedding she was having anxieties about it and our old friend who was also my best man apparently helped her calm down oh.

1:09:17 God it's one of these stories.

1:09:19 She said they had a couple of drinks and one thing led to another. I have not yet confronted him about it. And the night before the confession, we literally had him over for dinner. I am staying at my parents' beach house right now, Slay. I just had to remove myself from everyone and everything to figure out what I want to do. I love my wife and I want to forgive her for our baby. Any advice, please? And...

1:09:48 By the way, this comes from Throwaway Ennis. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Dakota.

1:09:56 And I'm Savannah.

1:09:57 And we are here to read this story and give our little good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers, so just know that. And you can tell us what you think down in the comments. And OP gets into an update here, but I guess my first thing would be, I think she also wants to save the marriage for your kid, which is why she never told you that this happened until she was pregnant. She's like, okay, if this is going to go forward, I can't. So in a way, I guess that's good, but it's still really bad. The only person who can decide if they want to work through this is you.

1:10:30 I wonder if the baby is his.

1:10:32 I think it is. I don't think the baby gestated for five years.

1:10:36 No, I'm saying, like, I don't know if it was still going on, like this affair that, you know, happened right before the wedding.

1:10:44 I'm sure it has gone on.

1:10:45 God, and absolutely crazy for him to be hanging around all the time, too. He was at dinner the night before. Such a betrayal. Let's see if OP, let's see what OP does. Okay, so it's only been a day since I made the original post, but there's been a new development. It is no longer entirely about whether I should forgive her and more about where to go from here. I won't make any more updates unless asked or if something major happens. So, I confronted my friend. He lives close to my parents' beach house, so I invited him over to have a chat. After some casual exchanges, I sat him down. I could tell he was confused, perhaps nervous, but he had a smugness about him. I'm going to type in script format because it's easier. I've had a

1:11:29 few drinks. Me. How's wife? Him. Uh, I don't know. Last time I saw her was at yours? Me, right. Because I know what's gone on. I left it as open-ended as possible to see if he would confess to something I didn't already know. After some denial and feigned confusion, he finally makes his confession. She told you we've been effing?

1:11:50 His words, not mine. Me, not in detail, but yes, that's why I'm here. Him, yeah, well, she wasn't lying. Oh, wow. After that, I went on to ask him a series of questions that I regret asking, but he was more than happy to answer, which was painfully off-putting. Things like how often, when, where, among other things I wish I did not know, because now it's playing in my mind like crazy. The one thing he denies with certainty is that the child is not his. I don't know why he's so sure, but I am inclined to believe him for some reason. Um, I also would talk to your wife.

1:12:29 I don't know. Your friend is giving me really weird vibes and I wouldn't believe all the stuff he says.

1:12:34 Yeah.

1:12:35 He's been lying this entire time.

1:12:37 So yeah, I would believe he would lie to try to make your wife as much of the bad guys possible to try to salvage whatever he has with you.

1:12:44 Um, And I was right. He has been doing it ever since.

1:12:49 I don't know. Maybe. I still don't necessarily believe him because anyone who's like so sociopathic to where they could do that to you and claim to be your best man and then also like that guy's a crazy manipulator. I don't know why he's so sure, but I am inclined to believe him for some reason. I want to give my baby the best life possible. I treated my wife like the goddess I truly believed she was. and all she had to do was let me love her, and I would have given her and our child everything.

1:13:20 We just bought a home, and when she told me she was pregnant, I was over the moon, only to have this happen. After this encounter, my friend offered to hang out to make sure I was okay. We've been friends for years, and he knows I've suffered from mental health issues in the past, and he was being a good guy by looking out for me. But frankly, I think he wanted to stay and drink all my booze while laughing in my face about sleeping with my wife. Yeah, I would guess that first.

1:13:46 Wow, that's insane. He's not your friend. Not your friend. Get out of there.

1:13:51 I gave him the old one-two with my fists, and he said he deserved it, and he left. Just a hook across the jaw.

1:13:59 Yeah, all right, I'm going to go.

1:14:01 Dang. It doesn't seem like you guys got even. I messaged my wife telling her I know the relationship was ongoing and she responded with, let's talk about this in person. Oh, no, it was. Oh, he was telling the truth. I said I didn't want to look at her and she didn't respond. Anyway, here's the advice part. Naturally, I think the obvious step now is to leave her. I really don't want to.

1:14:26 I had a plan for my life and that plan included her. I thought she loved me. Those were the first words I'd hear from her every day. If she wasn't pregnant, I would leave, and I'm still considering leaving. I just want to know how to go about being a good father and ex-husband. Ideally, I'd gain main custody, but as we know, that's not usually easy for the guy.

1:14:48 Financial support is an obvious one. Secondly, I want to know where to go from here. Do I see her in person? I don't want more details because what my friend told me is enough to last me a lifetime. She's currently in our home, and I didn't plan for this because I wasn't expecting this. There's no prenup. My parents are wealthy bohemian artist types, so they will be no help emotionally. I hate this. And there's an update.

1:15:13 They could be. Talk to your parents.

1:15:15 I mean, it's worth a shot. If everything else fails.

1:15:20 I really, I'm really torn. This is weird because normally in these stories, I'm always like, you should just leave.

1:15:27 I would get the paternity test.

1:15:29 Do think it's yours, but maybe, yeah, I guess if it's been ongoing, definitely that would make sense.

1:15:36 They're both liars. So I don't trust either of them.

1:15:39 And the only way to know is if she gets the paternity test. And if it turns out it's yours, then okay, cool. But where do we go from here? And then if it turns out not to yours, you can leave with no skin off your back.

1:15:51 I think my genuine advice would be try, you know, you can have your mind set like, I'm going to leave, but try to go to like a counseling or something with her just to get clear on what happened, why it happened, why it's been happening this whole time. Like just to get a little bit more nuanced closure about it.

1:16:15 And then based on how that goes, you can make the decision again. Okay. Do I still want to leave or do I want to stay and try to make this work for our kid? Um, and the answer might not be yes, you know, anyway, update. I've gotten some consistent sleep. And even though I've slept all day, I feel rested. I've organized to see my wife. She said she will make us dinner and we will sit down and discuss what happens next. I know a lot of people have said not to see her or talk to her, but I have to know why. I also have to tell her I want a paternity test.

1:16:48 There you go, buddy.

1:16:50 I've really appreciated all the kindness and criticism sent my way. I feel like I have a small community on my side, which has helped me through this in a healthier way. Thanks again. Update two. So the dinner happened. She made my favorite meal. And I'd be like, really? I know why you made it. You should have just made something normal.

1:17:11 Suck up. She was dressed so beautifully. She was really trying to just make it as hard as possible for me. I had spent the whole time in the car practicing what I was going to say and trying to think about all the effed up things my friend told me to work myself up. But upon entering the house and smelling her cooking and perfume, I was struggling. Oh, this is another red flag in terms of like she's trying to manipulate you.

1:17:36 Literally at every angle. It's like, oh, babe, I made your favorite.

1:17:41 She needed to come to you in sweatpants and a T-shirt, hair in a bun, no makeup. Like I've ruined everything and I want to fix it. And instead she's doing the exact opposite. She tried to greet me with a kiss, but I nudged her off of me. She offered me a drink, which I accepted, and I sat down at the table. She served me my food and sat down.

1:18:05 We sat in silence for a bit whilst I ate. I hadn't eaten since finding out, so to my surprise, I was able to get in a few bites before the anxiety of the situation got the best of me. I finished my drink, and as she was making me another one, another one? I finally said, so why'd you do it? Her response at first was, I don't know. Ugh!

1:18:25 This pissed me off. How could she not know? So I repeated myself, and this is when she seemed to open up a little more. Perhaps she could sense I was getting frustrated. She sat down and explained that she just felt trapped and needed something separate from me. Oh, your best man. Was he a groomsman or was he the best man?

1:18:49 I think he was just a groomsman. I don't think it clarified that he was the best man.

1:18:54 I'm going back to check.

1:18:56 Also, the fact that she's like, I just felt trapped.

1:19:00 Girl, then communicate that.

1:19:03 It was the best man, by the way. Dang. What a terrible, terrible situation. You find out your best man and your wife... Snakes. Oh, God. Okay, so... Something separate from me. Yeah, my best man. My best man is a real big degree of separation. She insisted she loved me, but that sometimes she needs a, quote, break from reality.

1:19:26 I asked her if the baby was mine, and she said yes. I asked how she was certain, and she said that my friend has had a vasectomy. Well, I guess that's why they were so certain, huh?

1:19:37 I wouldn't trust him. I would still... I'd still do it.

1:19:40 I feel like that's something he would have told me, so I said I didn't believe her, and I want a paternity test. She graciously agreed. Of course she did. She's always been gracious and receptive to my ideas. Oh. After she agreed, I asked if she was unhappy. Why didn't she talk to me? If she needed a break from reality, I would have paid for a vacation or a spa week. Or if she wanted to start a side hobby, it's something I would have been in full support of. As I was saying this, I began to cry.

1:20:10 She got up and cradled my head against her chest. And this is where I effed up. I just held her and cried as she comforted me. And she lifted my head and started kissing me.

1:20:21 Oh, shit.

1:20:21 This is manipulative BS. I do not like this girl. She needs to understand. She's like, oh, he's at his worst.

1:20:28 He's at his worst.

1:20:31 Let me help him, even though I'm the one who did this to him.

1:20:33 Like, girl, back up.

1:20:35 Like stop trying to do it.

1:20:37 Like you've done enough. Truthfully, you've done enough.

1:20:40 She's doing the like seductress, like succubus routine and just being like, I'll just make him forget. It's ridiculous. I didn't push her off for a few minutes. I knew this was the last time I would have an intimate moment with her and I wanted to mourn her embrace.

1:20:55 You know, I get that.

1:20:56 That's fair enough, dude. That's so human. I snapped myself out of it after a while and stood up abruptly. I went to the bar, made myself one last drink. and told her that after the test, we'd be getting a divorce. This is where she began to cry and kept telling me I had to be there for our baby and that she won't be able to be the best mother she can be without having her strength, which is me. I am her strength, apparently. What?

1:21:23 Girl, what?

1:21:25 After some back and forth, I was about to leave, but she said I should stay because I was drinking. Again, tactical. That's why she was making you the second drink.

1:21:34 God, I hate this woman.

1:21:36 She's so manipulative.

1:21:38 In every way possible.

1:21:39 Like from her dressing up to the music to the, you know, to the seductive movements.

1:21:45 Yeah.

1:21:45 To like what she's saying to your favorite meal. I mean, like everything was planned to a T. You were just falling right into it.

1:21:51 Yeah.

1:21:51 None of this is about owning it and being, you know, responsible for her actions. She's trying to, you know, wipe them away.

1:21:59 Yeah. Just to persuade you to be like, it wasn't that bad. And this is your child and you need to be here for him.

1:22:04 Yes. And I was drinking, so I did stay. I went to sleep in the guest room, but she insisted, we just sleep in the same bed together for old time's sake. Gross.

1:22:14 I mean, shut up!

1:22:16 She tried to hold me in her sleep, and I let her, but I remained limp in her arms. Then, as soon as the sun began to rise, I snuck out. I'm back at the beach house. I call the lawyer. Yes, you need to call a lawyer. This is, it's not going to work.

1:22:31 You need to distance yourself from her.

1:22:32 Like, this was like, you know, You said, you know, kissing her, you're like, okay, this is probably the last time.

1:22:40 Make that true.

1:22:42 I think he is. Yeah, I hope so. And, you know, I think you resolved to co-parent and be the best dad that you can be to your kid. And I think that's good. Final update. I'm back at my home and she is also here. We are not sleeping in the same room. And no, I'm not taking her back. It'll just be easier to organize the divorce this way.

1:23:04 It was my idea, not hers. She seems to have accepted the divorce. She's pleaded a little and insists she loves me. I told her I still love her but can't forgive her. After that, we haven't communicated much. I've been in contact with my lawyer. I'm meeting a girl tonight. I was not advised by my lawyer to see anyone during this time, but I need this. I'm doing better.

1:23:27 I had a dark moment early on, but I got through it once I thought of my potential child. And I know I'm worth a lot to a lot of people. Yeah, always remember that. There are people who love you. But maybe just know that whatever you do with this girl is just nothing, whatever, just going on a date, just greasing the wheels.

1:23:47 This is like a rebound situation. No, P, I don't think you're ready for that. I think you need to be on your own.

1:23:52 Yeah, just grease the wheels a little bit. I'm ready to play human again. I really appreciate everyone checking in on me even days later. Things have moved so fast, I'm shocked at how quickly one's life can change. I received a drunken phone call from my friend, and I have an idea of why he did what he did to me. It's no excuse, and I don't forgive him, but the phone call is probably what pulled me out of the slump I was in. He basically admitted being resentful and envious of me, which was an ego boost at least, and thanks again to everyone. Wow, yeah, your friend is like a sociopath. Your friend's a little psycho.

1:24:28 And your wife is also a crazy manipulator.

1:24:31 Yeah, they're both kind of perfect for each other.

1:24:33 But yeah, good luck. That is the end of that story. And the end of this episode.