I think my friend is being STALKED… and nobody believed me! -r/relationship_advice | Reddit Stories | EP3099

0:00 Hey, this is Dakota.

0:01 And this is Keon, your favorite OK Storytime host, and we've got some great stories coming right up.

0:05 But before that, we have a quick two-minute break from the sponsors that keep the show alive.

0:10 I think my friend is being stalked and nobody believes me.

0:13 Oh my gosh, this is a horror movie.

0:15 I know I'm not paranoid enough to be imagining things. For the past two weeks, I've noticed this strange woman following my friend, male 25, around at a distance that's far enough not to be suspicious, but close enough to watch where he'd be going should he make a sudden turn. I've made several attempts to confront her, but she bolts every time.

0:33 What?

0:34 Time out.

0:34 Yes.

0:35 Are you stalking your friend too?

0:36 Yeah, yeah.

0:37 OP is stalking the friend. That's the twist.

0:40 How are you seeing this from afar every time?

0:43 I've been trailing him for weeks. And now I have competition.

0:47 Yeah.

0:47 Every time I point her out, she vanishes or is outright denied. It's gotten to a point that my friend is growing visibly irritated with me and my insistence that he's being stalked. I'm afraid of going to the police without substantial evidence that this is happening, so I turn to you good people. What should be done, if anything at all? By the way, this comes from Andy Shisnu, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash showcase story time subreddit. I'm Sophia.

1:12 I'm Keon.

1:13 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers, so if you've got answers, put them down below. And we've got more stuff from OP. OP says, so a lot of people here seem to be questioning my mental health, and while that hurts, I do see where they're coming from. I do not have schizophrenia, nor a family history of schizophrenia. Believe me, I've checked.

1:31 As for pictures and videos, I've tried to, but she runs away as I attempt to snag something. I'll try to follow the idea of making it discreet. Maybe that will help. As for some clarifications, she runs away whenever I try to point her out, either by ducking into another street or blending into a crowd. Now, the only reason I've come to notice her is because I have a tendency to look behind me and I've noticed her quickly going away and trying to hide. OP said, I'm not paranoid, but like when he's walking, he's just like.

1:58 I have to look, well, honestly, I'm on that case too.

2:01 You're a behind looker?

2:02 I just like to notice my surroundings. Like I do, I won't do it like every five seconds, but I'll like look around to get an idea.

2:09 I hadn't confirmed it wasn't my imagination until a few days ago when I used the reflection of my glasses to get a good look at her following us. Oh my gosh.

2:17 Dude, I don't believe you.

2:18 Are we Tom Cruise?

2:19 Are you like, am I six? Are you a spy?

2:22 Oh, he's like. The trailing us. Go faster.

2:25 Take the next ride. Q, help me.

2:28 Where do I go? Look, if people doubt me enough, I'll just file in the notice but ignore file in my head. Wouldn't be the first time. And we do have an update. Following much of the advice offered, I managed to get a handful of pictures and videos. Cost me a couple bucks, but it was worth it to prove I wasn't imagining things. Rather than go to the police, I opted to show my buddy. At first, he was in denial, laughing it off as nonsense. Until he noticed that the oldest picture I took was three days ago.

2:53 He asked me if I had actually noticed her for a while now, and I told him yes.

2:57 And he's like, I told you so.

3:00 He seemed pretty overwhelmed, though he did apologize for doubting me. He says he'll think about what to do before we head off to work. Neglected to mention that we work at the same place and live in the same apartment complex, which is why I've noticed her a lot. Sorry for the lack of forethought. He genuinely acts surprised, maybe a bit afraid. I wonder if I should take this to the police. I'll post updates when they come, but I'm just glad he doesn't think that I need to be admitted to a psych ward and that he apologized. And edit, a lot of people have been asking questions. And while I'd like to get to each of them, it's difficult to Reddit and work at the same time. So I'll be addressing the commonly asked questions and ones that struck

3:35 a chord with me. Question one, how do I know it's not me being stalked? It's a fair question. Honestly, I thought it was me at first, but then I started traveling alone, watching myself. Either she's only following me when I'm with my friend, or it's my friend who's being followed. Question two, is my friend in a relationship or legal troubles? No and no, as far as I know.

3:55 Unless he's venting, he doesn't talk about financial or legal troubles, and he's still recovering from a breakup three months ago, and he's J with a G. Does he recognize her? If he does, he didn't say anything to me. Do you do pranks often? He's one of those people who likes being serious, but appreciates a good joke. But this is something neither of us would want. Someone says, consider hiring a PI. Tempting, and I will bring that option up if necessary. Another person says, show us pictures. NOP responds, as much as I'd like to. I feel as though the sensitivity and uncertainty of the situation calls for caution.

4:28 If things get dire enough, I'll consider it. If you doubt me because I refuse to post pictures, then that's your decision. If you believe me or not, doesn't change reality. Another person says, is this fake? Opie says, I effing wish. I'd like nothing more than for all of this to be an elaborate hoax or joke that winds up me being the punchline. We've decided to go to the police department after we get off work. We both work at the university, and more updates will follow afterwards. And we do have a second edit. No one asked if this guy was adopted. I need to know if he was adopted.

4:59 Yes. I want to know the age range of this person.

5:01 I want to know ages.

5:02 Yes.

5:02 I want to know if he's adopted.

5:04 Yes.

5:05 I want to know everything.

5:07 Honestly, Sophia.

5:08 Yes.

5:08 Maybe it's different because you are a woman. But if you had a stalker.

5:11 I would be scared.

5:12 You would be terrified. I would also be kind of terrified too. But if it's two versus one.

5:17 Yes.

5:17 Two guys. Well, but he's potentially also being followed when he's alone.

5:21 Okay.

5:21 Well, usually this happens. At least we can find out the occurrence common denominator. As long as we're together, we're being followed.

5:28 Yeah.

5:28 I'm like, hey, this is what I would do. Say it's me and Dakota.

5:32 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

5:32 Or even you and me. And we're like, we're being followed. Like, act casual, act casual. We're going to turn this corner sharp. And then we're going to just jump them. Yeah. Like, we're going to start chasing them.

5:43 I mean, I agree.

5:43 I just, yeah.

5:44 That's what I would do. I mean, yes, there are dangers. But if you are in a public setting, say it's always on the street and like, oh my gosh, they get lost in the crowd. I'm going after them.

5:53 Yeah, confront them.

5:54 I'm confronting. I'm like, who are you?

5:56 What's going on? Edit two. The matter has been resolved.

6:00 Who is it? I need to know.

6:02 I need to know. And things are relatively normal now. As far as I'm concerned, this just means I'll be able to finally get a decent night's sleep.

6:09 What the heck?

6:10 Okay, tell me who it was. Excuse me, what do you mean it's been resolved? How dare you say it's resolved and not give us the truth?

6:15 Edit 3, sorry for the awful update. Work is getting a bit hectic. So we secured a police car to watch over the complex until morning, which we then followed our usual routine. The lady returned once again and was finally apprehended. I'm not sure what will follow, but I'll try to keep everyone posted in the next week or so.

6:32 We've got a second update. We're about to find out.

6:35 I need to know. Unmask this villain. Scooby-Doo this person. Who was it?

6:39 Sean!

6:40 Was it your friend all along?

6:41 Yeah.

6:41 Update two, anyways. So the lady turned out to be someone from his high school days. Had some sort of crush on him, I don't know. He's been mum on the matter, and he's been a private person to begin with. I say he's a friend, but we've been working together for almost a year and a half, and I've been neighbors just as long. I saw that we were being followed, felt concerned, documented it, and brought it to the police.

7:02 A restraining order is being filed, no doubt. Not sure if he'll press charges. I can ask, but I don't like to pry. I let people mind their own business when it seems appropriate. All I know is that he's guaranteed she'll not bother us anymore. I.

7:14 Is that guaranteed?

7:15 I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed.

7:16 How is that guaranteed?

7:17 This feels like when, you know, your boyfriend has a friend that just got broken up with or just broke up.

7:23 Yeah.

7:23 And you're like, hey, like, what happened? And they're like, oh, I don't know. I didn't ask.

7:27 What?

7:28 You didn't ask?

7:29 I just know they broke up.

7:30 Yeah.

7:30 But why?

7:31 I just know that... What happened?

7:32 Yeah, she's maybe getting a restraining order.

7:35 Huh?

7:35 Who is this?

7:37 You got so super sleuth on, who is this person chasing you?

7:41 You were using your sunglasses, and you can't even tell us what happened.

7:43 In the end.

7:44 Yeah, you're getting all the descriptions, all the details.

7:48 Ridiculous.

7:48 And at the very end, you go, it was somebody.

7:51 Yeah. I don't know.

7:52 I don't want to pry. None of my business.

7:54 I mean, yeah.

7:55 Fine.

7:56 What is it? Sleeping dogs lie or whatever? Ugh. You won't be. I was a sleeping dog. Yeah, you don't want to bother the issue anymore. But I'd be like, oh, it's guaranteed she won't come back in our lives. Have you not seen any other scary movie?

8:11 Yeah, she's coming back. But that's the end of that story, folks. We cooked dinner abroad and my friend grabbed the wrong bag off the shelf.

8:19 What was in the bag?

8:21 I was with my friends, which we will call Big S and Big T. We wanted to travel together and go to Budapest. We got there and began to explore the city. The first day, everything went smooth. The second day, we had to visit the parliament. The afternoon, free and a boat tour in the evening. Everything was going according to plan until it came time to have dinner. We didn't have much time, so we had to do something fast.

8:41 First thing that popped up in our minds, since we are Italian, is to make some pasta. So we went to the store to buy the ingredients to make it. We managed to find basically everything except salt. So while Big T went to another store to look for it, me and Big S remained to pay. By the way, this comes from the normal person. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash okay story time subreddit. I'm Sophia.

9:01 I'm Big K.

9:02 And we're here to give good advice goofily. But we don't have all the answers. We only know what we do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. How could you not find salt?

9:10 That's like the.

9:10 Yeah. Yeah.

9:12 Staple. We met up later at home, and since we are in Hungary and none of us can read or speak Hungarian, we couldn't understand a single thing that was written on the packaging. We just knew that salt is so, so we didn't think it could have been anything else. The cooking started, the salt was very fine, and we needed like big salt for the water, so logically we put a lot of it. Fast forward a couple minutes, we're ready to eat, everything's set, but when we began eating, something felt off. The pasta tasted sour. So Big S took a pinch of salt and immediately told us to stop eating, but we didn't. That was not cooking salt.

9:48 Our first thought was maybe it was something cleaning related, so we started searching online for answers. We slowly pieced together what that was and immediately panicked. Turns out it's a powerful laxative, and if eaten too much... it can have serious health consequences but its effects can be limited by drinking a lot of water so we did exactly that What?

10:06 You guys are.

10:07 You guys are dumb. Yeah, you know what?

10:09 You guys are like actual idiots.

10:10 You know what? Good job. Yeah, we're going to call you out, Opie.

10:13 Like, okay, I'm just going to... I'm going to highlight all of the times that you could have figured this out. You go to the store. You can't find the salt. First of all, salt's usually in... specific containers yes so don't know how that didn't work out second of all ask someone ask someone anyone be like salt salt a lot of hungarians especially if you're in budapest speak english and i know you speak italian but i'm assuming that you speak a little bit of english or at.

10:38 Least at the very end of the day yeah broken english.

10:41 Yeah well i like they unless they're translated this there could have been you probably know enough english to be like salt so yeah i'm looking this up right now Yeah, well, like sal is.

10:51 Sal is.

10:52 Yeah, is salt.

10:54 In Hungary.

10:54 Oh, it's salt. That's what they said.

10:56 Is this S-A-L?

10:57 S-O.

10:58 S-O, salt, like salt?

10:59 Like S-O. Okay, in the end, we all were fine. Turns out we didn't eat enough to have any effect on us, other than scarring us a lot. In conclusion, Epsom salt is not used for cooking. If you take more than 30 grams in one day, you could feel sick. It can be a laxative. And lastly, you can use it for baths and foot soaking.

11:17 Yes.

11:17 Which we later did.

11:19 At least you made use of it. Congrats.

11:21 That's the end of the story.

11:22 Wow.

11:24 Okay.

11:24 Life lesson.

11:25 Don't be like this person.

11:26 Life lesson. And that's the end of this story. We're gonna go on to the next one. Our girlfriends can't stand each other, and it's costing me my friend.

11:34 Uh-oh, fight.

11:36 My best friend, 26 male, let's call him Paul, and I, 26 male, have been inseparable for 15 years. We've basically been brothers since middle school, and we even lived together for six years. For years now, it's been a dream of ours that one day we'd both find wives, go on these fun double dates, and eventually conjoin families, since neither of us have brothers. Aww.

11:57 Cute.

11:58 I'm sure that'll work out great.

11:59 But now, it feels like all of that is falling apart, and more is starting to go with it. Paul's girlfriend, 23 female, is pretty quiet. They've been together about five years. I know her well, since she was around constantly, so I practically live with her too. She's like a sister to me, although I'll admit her immaturity can be frustrating sometimes.

12:17 On the other side, I've been with my girlfriend, 26 female, for three years. She's much more social, but she can also be very sensitive. I'm trying to remain unbiased.

12:26 He's like, I love her. She's amazing. But she's amazing.

12:30 But I have a little, I have a little bias-y, or I have a little bias opinion on this because it's my girlfriend. When we first started dating, I really wanted the two of them to get along, but it completely backfired. Now it feels like they despise each other. My girlfriend tries to be friendly and social, but Paul's girlfriend is so quiet and shy that she comes across as rude. It's gotten to the point where my girlfriend hates being around her so much that she doesn't even want to spend time with her anymore. So, now every time Paul asks if we want to go on a double date, I have to awkwardly say no, because my girlfriend can't stand being around his girlfriend. I understand why she feels that way, and I don't think she's being unreasonable,

13:07 but now it's starting to affect my friendship with Paul. And now there's another layer to it. By the way, this comes from user DeepBook9664. And if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit. I'm Keon.

13:18 I'm Sophia.

13:19 And both of us are going to give good advice goofily. Or we'll try, at least. We don't know everything. Let us know what you do in the comments down below, pretty please. As OP says. So, my girlfriend and I have our own company. And Paula has his own business, too.

13:32 Dang, look at you guys.

13:35 At 26 in this economy?

13:36 Yeah, geez louise.

13:37 Paul's business is now a client of our business. My girlfriend is great at event planning, influencer marketing, and brand relations. She's done it professionally for five years at major companies before starting our business with me. But now Paul's girlfriend has basically forced herself into the event planning for Paul's business.

13:55 Even though my girlfriend has already secured 15 brand sponsorships and built a huge guest list, Paul's girlfriend has started emailing brands herself, giving excessive design input and trying to influence Paul's approvals and decisions. And if you know anything about marketing, or honestly, just professionalism, double emailing a brand for sponsorship makes you look disorganized and uncoordinated. So, her just going and doing that is dumb. It almost feels like it's coming from jealousy. What it feels like is Paul was really impressed with my girlfriend with what she was doing, And his girlfriend suddenly wanted to prove she could do it too. And since she doesn't work and is basically a stay-at-home girlfriend, she's in limited time to

14:33 involve herself. I don't know what to do. It's starting to bother me. But I don't want to make anything awkward or create drama. Brother, it's been created.

14:41 Yeah, the drama's already there.

14:42 It's already there.

14:43 It's too late.

14:43 They already don't like each other. I don't know what to tell you.

14:47 We can only go up.

14:48 Yeah. At the same time, I can feel myself starting to resent Paul's girlfriend too. And I hate that. I'm even considering pulling our company out of working with Paul because I don't want this dynamic to ruin our friendship. Paul is my brother and I don't want to lose him or let any of this get in the way.

15:03 But I know how he can be defensive of his girlfriend. What should I do? And we have an update, Sophia. What should OP do?

15:10 I mean, it's always tough mixing friendship and business.

15:12 And friendship.

15:13 Love and love yeah true true.

15:16 That's a concoction yeah that could be so.

15:18 Good not great trifecta there so bad um the love triangle oh yes uh well i think you should just talk to paul you've been friends with him so long i just like communicate all this.

15:30 I feel like op has let's be real he has but yeah i want to know what it's like what's he saying like i'm gonna be honest op you're girl like paul's girlfriend your girlfriend they don't have to be sisters they don't have to like each other they don't have to like each other but they need to understand that hey paul and i and we're gonna be seeing each other a lot so get used to it kind.

15:50 Of thing yeah like it kind of does have to you know you kind of have to have a conversation with your girlfriend and be like hey you do not have to be best friends with this girl but like you got to be respectful.

15:59 Let's be a little cordial and i get it she's a little quirky she's a little awkward she doesn't like to speak.

16:04 Okay yeah that's not that i don't know everything that op has told me of why his girlfriend doesn't like this girl is just like she's quiet.

16:12 Yeah i haven't gotten any reason why they hate each other or like why they dislike each other because you guys tried something and then it just backfired.

16:18 We also don't even know if like uh the girl the other girlfriend dislikes op's girlfriend so.

16:25 I think this is you one you should definitely have a conversation with paul itself then a conversation with all four yeah it's like we're adults let's be adults here We have an update. The event setup was chaotic. I went with my girlfriend and her assistant to go set up the day prior, assuming we would just be meeting Paul there. But of course, Paul's girlfriend was there too.

16:44 The whole setup consisted of my girlfriend trying to do her job, and Paul's girlfriend throwing in her own opinions any chance she could. Even I started getting annoyed. There was one instance where I was hanging something on the ceiling and my girl was telling me to move it one way and Paul's the other. I had to go to Paul and tell him, hey, just too many captains here, it's slowing us down. And he said he'd tell her, but there wasn't much of a change. Anyways, my girlfriend barely got through it. She even said something out loud when Paul's girlfriend started to really get on her nerves that I'm very lucky that was not heard. The event day was when crap really hit the fan. The event setup was essentially like a big party, but to get

17:20 the most bang for our buck and to keep the space spacious, we threw it like three back-to-back parties of 40 people each. People would come in, try the coffees, the matchas, enjoy some treats, socialize, take videos, etc. Everybody on the day had a role. And since Paul's girlfriend was so eager to help out before, I gave her a role as well. A lot of these people in attendance were online influencers. A lot of them could be regular content creators for us. So I gave her the assignment of handing people their gift bags at the end.

17:48 And when she hands it to them, see if they're interested in a program we're running that would give them free drinks in exchange for a weekly video. It was the easiest job I had available, though very important. The underlying purpose of the event was to establish an online content creation network. So, anyways, it looked like she was doing her job. I was obviously busy attending other things, but of course when I went to her after the second group left, she had zero signups. I asked her if she had been asking people and she said, no.

18:13 She said, people just walked out when I handed up their bag. I said, well, you need to make a point of it. You've already got their attention when you hand them the gift bag. She basically just shrugged and said something like, well, what am I supposed to do if they're just walking out?

18:27 Yeah, and then we go, okay, hey, why don't you take over a different job and I'll do this.

18:32 You gave her a simple, the simple yet most important job of closing the deal.

18:38 Especially like quiet, awkward girl. Maybe not the best person to give that job to.

18:43 You could have had her do anything else. Maybe. I don't know. Paul heard what was happening, and he also got upset. After a long back and forth and her taking no accountability, instead of just saying, I'll try to do it for the last group, she just handed me everything and told me, I can do it. And then she stormed off. I already know people will say, why did you make a quieter person responsible for getting signups?

19:04 I did say that.

19:05 We both said that. I literally had nobody else to do it. Paul and his employees were making drinks. My girlfriend was hosting, and I was getting all the content. It was an important job, and she was quite literally the only person available.

19:17 Like, genuinely, why couldn't she have made drinks? Why couldn't Paul and her just swap?

19:22 Why couldn't she be the one filming content?

19:24 Yeah, you know, like, why?

19:26 Why?

19:27 In the end, the event was at least a success in other ways, and the mishap that happened ended up turning into a blessing. as Paul then acknowledged his girlfriend's behavior and said he's just going to keep her out of it.

19:37 Okay.

19:38 Nice. What I haven't gotten yet is having a discussion with Paul about his girlfriend.

19:44 Yeah, it feels like we're kind of hinting at things, but we still haven't had the actual conversation.

19:50 Yeah.

19:51 And you don't have to be like, I don't know. I get it. OP said I don't really want to talk to him about it because he's defensive about his girlfriend.

19:57 But you see Paul as your brother.

19:58 Yeah.

19:59 And you see his girlfriend as your sister. I feel like you can have an adult conversation with your literal brother and sister in this context.

20:06 Yeah, like, yeah.

20:07 Yeah.

20:08 I think that's the only way I would say could fix things, but I don't know.

20:12 Let's finish up the story. Paul told me his girlfriend just out of nowhere got really motivated to help. He said he knew she was doing stuff she wasn't qualified to do, but he hadn't seen her motivated to do anything for a while, so he didn't want to stop her. He said he appreciated us being a good sport about things and apologized for the situation. As far as my girlfriend and his not getting along, that's just a ticking time bomb. I know one day it'll explode, but until then, this is the only update I got. And we have a side note. I see a lot of TikTok comments asking what I meant by merge families, haha. I just mean Paul and I don't have any siblings. Paul also doesn't have either of his parents anymore, so we always

20:46 thought it would be a nice idea if our kids could at least have an uncle. And that's the end of that story. I mean, yeah, that one made sense to me. Merge families, but I know, I got it. LP, maybe you had the conversation, but I think you really need to have that conversation. Of, Paul, let's address the elephant in the room. My girlfriend and your girlfriend, no likey.

21:04 What can we do to make them likey, you know? They can like each other, right?

21:08 Yeah, like, you could even bring it up like that and say, like, hey, you don't even have to put it on his girlfriend or anything. Just say, hey, like, I don't know if you've noticed.

21:16 We're a team.

21:17 But there's some tension here. Let's work it out.

21:19 Yeah, let's work this tension out. Let's be a team here. Let's, like, we're going to be together for who knows how long. Hopefully forever. But this ticking time bomb? Let's stop that. That is the end of that story. I opened up about my concerns to a friend and she said it never happened.

21:36 It just didn't happen.

21:37 Bro, starting off strong here.

21:40 Bro.

21:41 Bro.

21:41 I feel like I'm losing my freaking mind here. I, 27 female, have a close friend who's also my business partner. For context, we started this business in the first place because I'm autistic and she's a single mom to a toddler. We both know what it's like for the traditional working world to not accommodate our needs. We wanted to build a company that was different where people could communicate honestly, accommodate one another's needs, and build systems that work for people instead of expecting them to just fit in the system.

22:06 That shared vision is the foundation of our company. This all started because she said something that hurt my feelings. Instead of letting it build into resentment, I told her I wanted to bring it up specifically because I value our friendship. I thought communicating it was healthier than pretending it didn't affect me. Her response was that what I remembered wasn't what she said or meant, and that she needed to step away because she was overwhelmed. I didn't continue trying to have the conversation. This was problem number one. Okay.

22:32 Yeah, if you wanted to have a conversation, you got to kind of have the conversation.

22:36 Kind of the meat in the middle. Around the same time, she told me she felt like she was hitting a wall. She said she was completely drained, overwhelmed, and barely getting to spend any time with her son because with everything going on. My response was to tell her I was more than happy to carry the workload for the evening and that she should take the night off and spend time with her son. My intention wasn't to tell her what to do. I thought I was supporting someone who had just told me she had nothing left to give because she was hitting a wall. She felt like I was being controlling and making decisions for her instead of respecting her autonomy.

23:04 She's like, I don't know what you want.

23:06 I was trying to help.

23:07 Then you go, what do you want?

23:08 What do you want?

23:08 What do you want me to do?

23:09 I'm not telling you what to do. I'm doing you a favor. I apologized because that wasn't my intention. And this was problem number two. By the way, this comes from user Philafal. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OKStoryTime subreddit. I'm Keon.

23:25 I'm Sophia.

23:26 And we're here to give good advice goofily. We don't know everything. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you'd do in the comments down below. Pretty please. Thank you. As OP says, for additional context, we've always structured our business around her son. Every Saturday, we meet up at my house during his nap time.

23:41 We all know toddlers are unpredictable. Naps don't always happen. Meetings get interrupted. And sometimes they run much longer than planned. We never complained about that, or rushed her, or expected her to, you know, stop being with her son. We've written off our Saturdays every week to make that arrangement work, and we've never held it against her or even mentioned it. Then, completely unprompted, she told us that going forward, she would only be able to meet on Saturdays if her son went down for a nap, and that she'd only be able to tell us on Saturday whether the meeting could happen once she knew if he was sleeping.

24:13 And then I'd say like, hey, that doesn't really work for us. And why are we changing what we've been doing?

24:19 This business is built around my son, my son.

24:22 My son. We do everything for my son.

24:24 My son gets to decide if I go to work today.

24:27 Every day I say, son, can I go to work? And he says, no.

24:32 I completely understood that she couldn't predict whether her toddler would nap. I wasn't asking her to, so I assured her that we've just been trying to accommodate them and that's not a problem. The next day I asked whether, once Saturday morning arrived and she had a better feel for how the day was unfolding, she could let us know how things were looking so we could plan our day.

24:48 When she said that wasn't possible, I asked her whether we could find another solution together that would work for everyone. I wasn't asking her to change her boundary or make guarantees about her son. I was trying to solve the practical problem in a way that respected her circumstances while also giving the rest of us some ability to plan our weekends. Which, Sophia, is that too much to ask for?

25:07 Yeah, that's so unreasonable. Wanting to plan your weekends?

25:10 No.

25:11 No can do.

25:12 You know what?

25:12 Then I'm taking a nap. Yeah. She said that even asking to discuss another solution meant I wasn't respecting her boundary.

25:18 Dude, you can't just say, oh, it's my boundary every time we have an issue with this business.

25:25 Or something inconveniences you.

25:26 Yeah, it's like we're trying to run a business. Our business does not care about your boundary. We're going to lose money, or I don't even know what you guys are making, but the business is never going to go anywhere if we just care about inconveniencing you.

25:40 Yeah. One reason this was confusing for both my husband and me was that this boundary felt like it came out of nowhere. Up until then, we'd always worked through problems together, and we'd already built the business around accommodating her situation. So, when I was told I wasn't respecting a boundary by trying to find another... Workable solution? I didn't understand what I had done wrong. I tried to explain that I wasn't questioning her and no one was asking her to budge on her boundary. I told her I respected that she needed space when she was overwhelmed.

26:08 What I was struggling to understand was what happened after that. I wasn't asking her to continue talking before she was ready. I was asking how we... As friends and business partners, we're supposed to resolve issues once she had the space she needed. I wanted us to have a process that respected her boundary while also making sure concerns didn't stay unresolved.

26:27 What about your boundary, Opie?

26:29 Yeah, your boundary of not dealing with annoying people.

26:31 She felt that by asking how her boundary would work in practice, that I wasn't respecting it.

26:36 You can't even talk about her boundary. Her boundaries don't mention my boundaries.

26:40 What, I make a boundary and say... You're fired. This business is not working.

26:45 My boundary is I can't work with you.

26:46 By this point, I was losing my patience, which I regret. Why do you regret losing your patience because of her boundaries that you can't talk about?

26:56 Yeah.

26:56 I told her that our communication had become distressing for me because we repeatedly misunderstand each other. I asked her to please, please take some time to research how to support autistic people's communication needs when she could to help me so I could help her. I wasn't saying she was a bad communicator or blaming her for every misunderstanding.

27:13 I was saying that the pattern itself wasn't working anymore. And between us, I don't feel confident that we can build company that we envisioned if we cannot safely work through difficult conversations. One part of the conversation that became particularly difficult was that I repeatedly heard variations of, You don't have a toddler, so you can't understand. And that every mother would say the same thing. I don't have a toddler. You're right. But what I do have is a business with you. We need to find something to work.

27:41 Yeah, truly. It's just like, hey, if you can't do this, you can't do this. Honestly, you're... But this is what we need.

27:46 Your friend sounds like every inconvenience is either you're not a mother or I'm setting a boundary that you don't respect, which sounds... After hearing that several times, I eventually said I didn't think that was fair. I said that while I can't understand her specific experience as a single mother, I also don't think it's accurate to say every parent approaches these situations the same way. Some parents need very structured schedules, others are more flexible, and neither approach is wrong.

28:14 I also told her that I felt like her circumstances were being used to shut down the discussion because as soon as I asked questions, I was told I couldn't understand since I don't have a child. I said that I felt my perspective was automatically being dismissed instead of considered alongside hers. She later told me that saying this was the final straw for her. She also told me that this had been the most draining week of her life.

28:35 She explained that she was going through many things, so big ouch. As the conversations continued, I became increasingly frustrated, and eventually, I lost my temper. I said things I wish I expressed differently. I don't think losing my temper helped the situation, even though I felt emotionally worn down by what I experienced as repeated misunderstandings and assumptions about my intentions. But I did tell her that I have no issue with her boundaries, but how she's handling me asking questions so aggressively. At the same time, I felt like none of the original concerns were ever addressed. We never discussed what had hurt my feelings. We never resolved the misunderstanding around me trying to support her when she

29:09 said she was burnt out. We never found a solution for planning meetings. We never discussed how we'd handle difficult conversations in the future. Instead, I felt like every concern I raised eventually became a discussion about whether I was respecting her boundary. And yes, I have said this to her explicitly, so it's not that she isn't aware of this. Eventually, I told her that for my own well-being, I needed to separate our friendship from our business relationship for now.

29:33 I don't think she cares either or. It sounds like that ship has sailed.

29:37 Sounds like we might lose both.

29:39 I said that until she... was able to communicate with kindness and stop assuming the worst intentions behind what I was saying, I wasn't willing to engage in conversations outside of what was necessary for the business. I wasn't trying to punish her or end the friendship forever. I set this boundary for myself because I no longer felt emotionally safe in the friendship while I felt like my intentions were consistently being interrupted or interpreted in the worst possible light.

30:02 And Opie says and asks, am I the a-hole? No.

30:05 No.

30:05 But only if you end this story promptly.

30:08 Yes.

30:08 And you stop working with this person because I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to hear about your friend's boundaries.

30:13 How can you have a business when your business partner is never there?

30:17 She's like, you're just not thinking of my boundaries. And he's like, I'm thinking about The business that we're trying to create that you don't even show up for.

30:26 You go, we can't make a business around a napping baby. Or you can. That's a pretty good idea. You know, I'm going to write that down. There's an edit here, Sophia. Opie says, we have only just launched our business. Yeah, that makes sense.

30:39 Yeah, that was obvious.

30:40 And there has been no turnover as yet. We are pre-profit. And there's an update.

30:47 Oh, I don't think you're going to be post-profit.

30:49 Uh, there goes the business. I think you're going to have no profit. Yeah, zero business. I'm sorry.

30:53 I mean, not everyone's made, not everyone is built to work together. And that's why a lot of people don't do business with their friends.

31:01 Yeah, they usually say don't live with your friends or like your best friends. Don't ever like roommate with your best friends. Don't like get into businesses with your best friends. Sometimes it works. Don't date your best friends. Don't date your best friends.

31:12 Sometimes it works.

31:13 Sometimes it... Listen, for all of those things, it's really a coin flip. It could be like the best thing ever.

31:18 Yeah.

31:18 Or that relationship could end horribly.

31:21 Yeah, that's the thing. It's just like there are more risks because this is a person you're close to.

31:25 Yes.

31:26 We have an update. So, we ultimately agreed to part ways with the business and try to preserve the friendship. Unfortunately, the criticism of me continued. A few days ago, a young child arrived at my house unattended, asked to come inside to see my cats, and reached through my window. I live in a security estate and had no idea who her mother was, so I posted in the community group to find her family and raise the safety concern.

31:49 Her mother had been asleep and... had not realized her daughter had slipped out. She was incredibly grateful that the community helped find her. The conversation then expanded because other residents shared that this wasn't the first time the toddler had been seen wandering around the estate unattended. My friend publicly commented on that post saying that what I had done was inappropriate and that I needed to respect parents.

32:11 She later messaged me privately saying that as a mother, she would have been Highly ticked off if someone had handled the situation the way I did and that I should have gone directly to the child's mother instead of posting it publicly. Problem was that I couldn't go directly to the child's mother because I had no idea who she was. Finding her was the entire reason I made the post. What surprised me even more was the community's response.

32:35 Nobody agreed with my friend. Instead, several people reached out to me privately telling me not to take what she said to heart and that I had absolutely done the right thing. And more than one person asked me, isn't that your friend? The little girl's own mother thanked both me and the community for helping get her home safely.

32:52 Other moms even asked if they could introduce me to their children so they would know my house was a safe place to go if they ever needed help while I was working from home. And that is crazy. That is so sweet.

33:02 Yeah, and OP like sends all of that to her friend and goes, apparently single moms think I'm pretty cool.

33:07 I think all the moms like me. I think all the other mothers agree with me. What hurt wasn't that my friend disagreed with me. It was that this had become another example of being told my judgment wasn't valid because I'm not a mother. That I need to learn to respect parents. She knows that my husband and I have been trying to conceive. I'm also a qualified teacher, so child safety has always been something I take seriously. Sophia, this friendship should have Sailed a long time ago.

33:33 It's no longer, oh, we just can't work together. It's also like, maybe we shouldn't be friends.

33:38 How many other friends does your friend have?

33:40 Not many, I don't think.

33:41 I would assume. A little bit left here, Sophia. Let's go ahead and finish this up.

33:44 Oh, boy.

33:45 Opie continues saying, Internal instincts are wrong when I have my own child.

34:18 Yeah, like she definitely would be. Like when you have a kid, she definitely would be like, oh, you're not doing that right.

34:23 You're not doing that right.

34:24 Oh, no, no, no.

34:24 As a mother.

34:24 Actually, I'm a mother, I know.

34:26 As a mother.

34:26 You're not doing that right.

34:27 My judgment is better than yours.

34:28 Yeah, you don't want to be around that.

34:29 As a mother, my boundaries are better than yours. As a mother, I'm just better than you.

34:32 Yeah, she thinks that.

34:34 But you don't have that in your life anymore, Opie. Congrats.

34:37 Yeah, good riddance.

34:38 That is the end of that story. Hey, it's Keon, your host with the cakes here. We're going to get back to the stories, but here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors.

34:46 I forgot my girlfriend's birthday, so I paid to look it up.

34:49 Hey, that's just a real thoughtful boyfriend move.

34:52 My girlfriend and I have been together a year and some change. Live together. She uses a flip phone for reasons that are too long to get into. She uses a flip phone for reasons that are too long to get into. So she will occasionally use my phone when she needs to check her email or download music.

35:07 No, no, no, no.

35:08 Get into that. Get into that.

35:09 Why?

35:10 Why is she using a flip phone?

35:11 Back to my dumb butt. I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I trashed my brain as a teenager. I have issues with memory, short and long. But today I woke up and was chilling for a bit while my girl was at work. Suddenly I thought, oh crap, what's my girlfriend's birthday? I knew what month it was in, but I couldn't remember if it was the 8th or 9th. That's okay, I thought. I'll go dig around a bit. Surely there's some paperwork around the house that has her birthday on it.

35:33 Yeah.

35:33 Spoiler, there wasn't.

35:35 I don't know, man. Her ID? Yeah.

35:38 Yeah.

35:39 Her birth certificate that no one has in their house.

35:43 Or just, like, look at your pictures.

35:45 Steal your girlfriend's wallet.

35:46 My go-to is search up pictures from, like, if you've taken pictures of her on her birthday, because it's time documented. By the way, this comes from ranpastit, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the rs.showcase storytime subreddit. I'm Sophia.

36:00 I'm Dakota.

36:01 I'm Keon.

36:02 And we're here to give good advice goofily, but we don't have all the answers, so if you've got answers, put them in the comments right now. And OP continues. I'm definitely not asking her friends or family, as they'll surely tell her I forgot. So I do what any reasonable guy does, and I Google background check services, enter her name and city, and for $ 8, I receive an email with every traffic ticket, address, and phone number she's ever had.

36:24 What are we talking?

36:25 This is ridiculous.

36:27 I mean, it's $ 8.

36:28 But what is he going to uncover?

36:30 Her birthday.

36:31 Most importantly, though, her birthday. I write her birthday down in a safe spot and then go back to chilling. All is well. I'm not a piece of crap boyfriend. What a relief. She gets home. Our day has gone well when she asked to use my phone to read her email. I completely obliviously give it to her. She opens it and immediately sees a full background check on herself.

36:53 Nice.

36:54 Now you have to admit that you did a background check and you forgot her birthday.

36:59 Which I mean, like, That's kind of so funny to me that I wouldn't even care at that point. Yeah. I mean, I might care a little. It would depend. But I think that would soften the blow.

37:09 You're like, that's pretty funny. I knew exactly what happened once her face changed. She immediately asked why I was background checking her a year into our relationship and then started getting emotional asking if I didn't trust her.

37:21 What are you going to do now? What are you going to do now?

37:23 You have to go, babe, no. I forgot your birthday.

37:25 Is that even worse? Is that worse?

37:28 It makes it better.

37:29 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no. I am a forgetful man. I just needed to know if it was the 8th.

37:35 Or the 9th.

37:36 I didn't want to ask you because I didn't want to upset you, and now I've upset you even more. This is the only way I could find out.

37:41 This is the first relationship I've ever not had trust issues in, so I immediately confess that I'm a dumb butt, I forgot her birthday, and I paid $ 8 to get it because her sister and friends would snitch on me.

37:50 LOL.

37:51 Luckily, this isn't the first time I've come off as a total fool to her, so she believed me. But she is indeed also a bit upset I forgot her birthday. Next time something like this happens, I'm just admitting guilt, I think. I'm also sitting here and just realizing I could have waited until she was asleep and checked her license.

38:08 Yep.

38:09 I mean, that's... Well, you have brain problems, it seems.

38:12 So, it's okay. I mean, I feel like that's technically a bigger invasion of privacy.

38:18 Looking at someone's license?

38:19 Yeah, because, you know, if you go into someone's wallet, you can't get that on the internet. But you can get anyone's birthday for eight bucks, apparently. Apparently. Apparently.

38:28 And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one.

38:32 My boyfriend saw one name in my call log and made me leave at 4 a.m. Can't I leave when the sun's up? My boyfriend, 26 male, and I, 22 female, keep having the same argument. And I'm starting to wonder if I'm really the problem. Recently, my friend from the military called to let me know he landed safely in Japan after leaving Iran. My boyfriend saw his contact picture in my call log and completely flipped out. He said, he doesn't have another witch he can call?

39:01 Oh, wow.

39:05 You call me what? You said what about me?

39:08 The Wicked Witch of the West.

39:10 That's like... And also, by the way, witch is our replacement word for the B word for anyone new here. I just don't... Goodbye.

39:19 If someone I, you know, like says that to me and they're not like a girl, I hate you.

39:25 Genuinely, if a man ever calls me a B word and they're not like it's not like a joking, like, you know, if it's not that I'm like, you're on my crap list forever.

39:37 Yeah.

39:37 Same.

39:38 Like, and now I hate you.

39:39 Good job. Good job.

39:40 Started yelling at me, told me to get out of his apartment at 4 a.m. and said I was being disrespectful because I was on FaceTime with him while he was working. This isn't the first time something like this has happened. It feels like every argument ends with me being blamed or kicked out, even when I don't think I've done anything wrong. Sometimes I feel like he tries to isolate me. If I make plans with my girlfriends, he's in an uproar and my whole night gets ruined.

40:04 He calls them names even though he's never met them. By the way, this comes from BeautifulTune8140, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit. I'm Sophia. I'm Savannah.

40:15 I'm Skion.

40:16 And we're here to give good advice goofily. But we don't have all the answers. We only know what we'd do. So let us know what you would do in the comments. And OP side. For context, my military friend and I have been friends for several years. There has never been anything romantic between us on either side. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, we talked about men and women being friends. He seemed hesitant. Ooh, bad sign. But ultimately said he was okay with it as long as there wasn't any inappropriate behavior. My boyfriend was also in the military as well. We were not on the FaceTime at 4 a.m. That's the time he saw my phone. My friend and I spoke at 7 p.m. Time zones are different.

40:53 Am I missing something here? Was I actually being disrespectful or are his reactions unreasonable? It's 5.22 a.m. and I'm currently shaking. All of you were right. He calls and I pick up thinking he wants to have an adult conversation. He begins questioning me on the situation again. After I gave my answer, he calls me a liar and other names.

41:12 I did not want to hear that BS anymore, so I ended the call. He proceeded to call me, send text messages, and voicemails on how he hopes he's with another woman right now, and he's going to trash some belongings I left and place them on my doorstep.

41:25 Wow, this sounds like a really cool man that I would want to be with.

41:29 Wait, he holds.

41:30 He sounds so mature and so kind and loving. This is so weird. After seeing everything laid out, I'm running and never looking back. It blows my mind how a person can be so good to you in the beginning and you fear at the end. I mean, yes, but also that is a lot of relationships. People don't reveal who they are within, you know... Typically, they say, like, after the first three months, you get.

41:51 First three months, that's the, what, the honeymoon phase?

41:54 Yeah.

41:54 The puppy phase?

41:55 Yeah, but then it's like, again, I always say this, three months, and then I would say, like, Six months, a year, two years. You know, those are like the big check marks where you start to reveal more about this person.

42:05 That and then traveling with them, I guess.

42:10 Living together.

42:11 Living together in a sense.

42:12 Going on vacation with someone.

42:14 Yeah.

42:15 You should definitely do that. Children. And then we're basically in the grave. And then you're in the grave by then. And how are you going to deal with that?

42:24 Oh.

42:24 Hmm.

42:26 Thank you for all the comments. I've read them all, and it helped a lot. I will never, ever look back. And you should not. Very nice.

42:33 Nor should you.

42:35 Yeah.

42:36 No.

42:37 Yeah, anyone out there listening who has a partner who is controlling and is calling your friends' names or is saying that you're, like with the mail thing, is accusing you of things that you obviously have not done. Yeah. Keep an eye out for those things.

42:55 Yeah.

42:55 And it's OK to leave your partner even after like, you know, five, 10, 20 years.

43:00 It's OK to leave your partner whenever if you are not happy with that. As long as you communicate that and say, hey, this is not working.

43:07 Yeah.

43:07 This is no longer serving me.

43:09 And we just grew in different directions. We didn't grow together. We grew separate.

43:12 We grew apart. Sometimes it happens. As they say.

43:14 And it sucks, but then like, then you'll feel so much more free.

43:18 Yeah.

43:18 It's like, oh my God, I can't believe I stayed in that for, you know, whatever.

43:21 But it also is at your own time.

43:23 So do what you need to do. Relationships are not easy, but they shouldn't feel so hard. Yeah.

43:29 And they shouldn't be like a constant walking on eggshells, arguing, being like, oh, I'm on his good side.

43:35 Everything's all right now.

43:36 Like, no, you should be okay even on his bad side.

43:38 And that's the end of this story. We're going to go on to the next one.

43:42 My girlfriend moved into job hunt and stopped.

43:46 After two weeks.

43:47 This is really hard. I, 25 male, have been dating my girlfriend, Jen, 24 female, for nine months. Five months ago, Jen lost her job when her company went under, and around the same time, she had a falling out with her roommate. She was in urgent need of housing, but in an awkward position with employment status, so she reluctantly asked if she could move into my house. I agreed because she had already spent the night several times and she moved in under the condition that she would begin looking for work to contribute. Now, back on our second date, when I asked Jen if she wanted to be exclusive, she responded by asking me what I would bring to a relationship with her.

44:24 Okay. Oh.

44:26 That is such a weird answer.

44:28 I don't know if that's supposed to be like playful or like serious.

44:31 What are you going to offer me? Yeah, like because I can see it being like, well, am I going to get out of it? Yeah, I don't know. Like kind of playful. I can also be like, well, what do you have to offer?

44:40 What do you bring to the table? What are your qualifications for this relationship?

44:44 I don't know.

44:44 I don't know.

44:46 I answered as pragmatically as possible. A stable income, loyalty, companionship, willingness to compromise. and consistent attention to my appearance slash hygiene. I didn't really care much for the question at the time, and so while she seemed mildly satisfied with what I said, I didn't ask her in return.

45:02 I feel like I've held up my end of the bargain.

45:05 But after moving in, Jen only really looked for work for about two weeks. She now spends the majority of her waking hours on Instagram, TikTok, and Netflix. I've raised the issue with her indirectly before by asking how her job search was going, and she said nobody was hiring, which I find hard to believe. By the way, this comes from EveningCampaign970, and if you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash ok story time subreddit.

45:31 I'm Savannah.

45:31 I'm Sophia.

45:32 I'm Keon.

45:33 And we're here.

45:34 To talk about some stuff, get some advice, but we don't have all your answers.

45:37 We're only going to tell you what we would do, but let us know what you would do down in the comments.

45:40 Please do.

45:41 As Opie says.

45:43 Well, yesterday in the evening, I finally hit my limit. Jen drank a bottle of wine that I was saving for a romantic evening date and spent the rest of her day screwing around on her phone. After work, I sat her down and asked what she thought she brought to the relationship. Jen stared at me for a few seconds as if I had asked the dumbest question in the history of mankind. Then she erupted frantically, pointing at herself.

46:09 Me? I'm the prize!

46:11 From my perspective, this was coming from a woman who had just gotten day-wasted off wine, watched Netflix, and ate all my food. I honestly couldn't contain myself, and I burst into laughter. Every time I looked back at her, she would give me this incredulous look while shrugging, which.

46:28 Only made me laugh harder.

46:29 It's like....

46:32 Is that incredulous? Is that what that means?

46:34 It's like.

46:35 Holes. It's just like. That's what she's doing.

46:41 Jen got really angry at me and let out this wailing shriek sort of sound. She stormed off to another room where I'm 100% sure she just screwed around on her phone more. I haven't talked to her since. I feel like I might have gone too far here.

46:56 Was I the a-hole?

46:58 No. No.

46:59 For asking her the same question.

47:01 She asked you? She asked you that question.

47:03 On a second date?

47:04 Yeah.

47:05 And she's living in your house.

47:06 Yeah, and she's living in your house.

47:07 She's done.

47:08 She's gone. Let's get rid of her.

47:09 It's like, listen, I'll give you like max a month to find a job.

47:14 Max.

47:14 Yeah but like if you're doing nothing and can't find a job in a month i mean come on out the door like just anything at this point and the thing is guys you dig holes it doesn't have to be the job that you like need to be your permanent job it could just be a time a job for the time being good point and then later on now while you are making a living whatever you can gain connections you can meet people who meet that guy who meet this girl who need and Then the world turns around.

47:46 But I'm not now.

47:46 And, yeah.

47:48 That's the end of the story.

47:48 Hey, it's Dakota, your favorite rat brain host here. And we're going to get back to the stories soon. But here's three minutes of ads from our sponsors. I waited years to come home to this guy. And he was already engaged.

48:02 Well, you should just walk right out.

48:03 Okay. So I, 22 female, grew up idolizing this boy, 22 male, and crushing on him wholeheartedly.

48:11 Never idolize a man. Unless it's Jesus.

48:14 A man.

48:15 Or Morgan Freeman.

48:17 A face. A marriage. He's already, because he's married. Anyway.

48:22 An engagement.

48:24 A horse. Ding. Finally, around senior year, we switched from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend, even though we both knew that I was going to leave in the fall for college and would be hundreds and hundreds of miles away. So both of us agreed that while we were together, we would keep it light and never really got past second base. It was kind of mutual, but really, I would have been more than willing, and on several occasions, I thought about going further. Fast forward to me leaving and getting to college. Within a month of me being here, it just felt pointless to keep up the long-distance relationship.

48:56 The best we could do was text and talk on the phone, because at first, he still had dial-up internet. I know, idiotic, right, but where he lived just outside of town, that's all they had. About six months later, he got Comcast, so then he could use Skype.

49:10 This is an old story.

49:12 I mean, yeah, is it even legal to have dial-up anymore?

49:19 Do they arrest you?

49:20 This is me for life.

49:20 I think they come get you.

49:22 This is me for a while.

49:23 They'll come pick you up.

49:23 They'll come get you. They'll make the 5G. They'll put the 5Gs in your cereal.

49:27 One time I tried to make a Skype call. I never came home.

49:32 Just kept making a bunch of noises. It scared me. Anyway, I told him that because of our distance and all that, he should really just go ahead and date around and have fun. And that when I came home for summer and all that, we could hang out. And when I graduated and came back home, we could be together again as a couple. He wasn't very happy about this, but ultimately he decided that this was best for both of us.

49:54 And by the way, this comes from SaltyGirl23. If you want to submit your own stories, go to the r slash OK Storytime subreddit. I'm Dakota.

50:01 I'm Sophia.

50:02 I'm Keon.

50:02 And we're reading this story and giving our thoughts, and we're a bunch of goofballs, and we don't know everything, but let us know what you think in the comments. OP says, So I live the college life. I lose my V-chip. about a month after he and I amicably break up to a one-night stand, and from there I just proceed to have a few friends with benefits and a couple of flings over a four-year period of time.

50:27 But I do all of this without getting emotionally attached to anyone on purpose. In fact... I turned down dates from guys who wanted more than just a physical relationship because, in my mind, when I was out of college, I was going home to him, and we were going to pick up where we left off. You're dumb.

50:41 I'm sorry, Opie. You're dumb.

50:43 Have you guys been talking at all about this?

50:45 Yeah, have you been, like, telling him this is the plan?

50:48 You're dumb. If this was just a pact you guys made.

50:51 Yeah, this is a pact.

50:52 If I'm 30 and you're 34.

50:54 We'll get married I did this in a way not so that I did this with one of my first like my first serious girlfriend and it was just like we had met and I was like oh I'm leaving but I'm coming back in a couple months and I was like we didn't even like communicate at all and I just thought yeah well but we're dating we'll be dating when I come back we're doing that's how it is and the whole time she was like well I guess that was crazy I don't know I guess I'll never see that guy again And I've just had a thought in my mind. You did that for four years.

51:19 I did it for two months.

51:20 Four years?

51:21 You did it for four years. That's crazy. That's insane.

51:24 Can you imagine her reasoning when people are like, hey, I like you. I want to go on dates with you. I want to date you. And she goes, I already got someone back home. I got someone at the end of the year.

51:36 I don't even think she said it. She's not saying that. She's just going, no, I'm not interested.

51:41 Yeah.

51:41 This is like her little secret nugget she keeps in her heart.

51:45 Yeah, that's crazy that you go, why won't you date me?

51:48 We sleep together.

51:50 What's going on? My guy's waiting for me.

51:54 I got a guy back home.

51:56 Okay, OP does continue immediately. He and I talked constantly on Skype once he figured out how to use it. Once or twice a week minimum. On summer breaks and holidays, at home, we would go out and do things all the time. I thought we were the best of friends during this period. Yeah, you were.

52:10 You were best buds.

52:12 You're best friends.

52:13 You nailed it, OP.

52:14 I asked him often if he was dating and having fun, and at first he wasn't doing anything, but the last couple of years he had been saying that he had some dates. I don't press him very often, although I have asked to see photos of the girls he's dating, and he's just always kind of laughed it off. I told him very early on freshman year that I had lost my V-card, or V-chip if you're a Gen Z, I guess, and when I told him, he didn't bat an eye. So I just assumed, I guess stupidly, that he didn't care, as long as the plan was to come home to him at the end of this. So about a month ago, when I'm starting to make plans to come home... I start hinting about the plans to get together now that I'll be graduating. In fact, I

52:55 told him that I had an apartment lined up and that once I got back, he was welcome to stay with me. His response should have been my first clue, but being a silly little goose, it didn't strike me until yesterday. He asked why he would give up his house for an apartment. I just thought, oh, okay, so you've got a house now, and I didn't know. I asked him how long he had the house, and he said that he closed on it in February. I should have picked up on the fact that he did not ask me to stay with him, but I am not that smart. So I've packed up everything, and my brother and his wife are going to drive back with me this weekend after graduation. I get on Skype with him this evening, and the conversation's pretty standard. But I'm honestly

53:32 excited because, for one, I'm done with this crap. I love college life, but dang, I hate college. And two, I am going to ask him how we are going to move forward with the plan. Hope he says, I will spare you the back and forth and just get to the bombshell. I just ask how he sees our life together now that I'm going to be home. The surprised look on his face was my first real indication that this was about to blow up on me. He says he doesn't see any reason why we can't be friends just because we live in the same town. I then remind him of the plan and that I have been waiting for this day for four years.

54:08 Dude, OP.

54:09 This is like watching for like, I don't know, a year. Watching for four years as a nuclear bomb approaches the country. And you're like, oh, no. What am I going to do?

54:23 Somebody should say something.

54:25 Someone should stop that.

54:27 Someone should say something. Someone should fix that.

54:29 As OP's the one who dropped the bomb.

54:32 Yikes.

54:33 I go, OP, you stuck to that plan for four years. Guess what? The plans change.

54:38 Yeah.

54:38 They always do.

54:39 Like, you didn't.

54:41 Check in with him?

54:42 I'm just reminding him of the plan. You didn't remind him.

54:45 Every month?

54:46 Maybe at least once a year, right? Yeah. End of year checkup. How's the plan looking?

54:52 Hey, you still interested in me? Not dating anyone seriously? I certainly not.

54:57 Opie says he might as well have reached through the computer and pulled out my heart with what came next. He said that he thought we were just friends and that we had both moved on from a romantic relationship years ago. Then to add insult to injury, he tells me that he's been dating a girl for over two years now and that they intended on getting married. Zing! Wow.

55:20 I mean, could this guy have said, hey, I'm seeing this person seriously. Why are you talking to me twice a week kind of thing? Or at least more than that.

55:28 To be honest, should he have said, hey, I'm seeing a girl seriously?

55:32 Yes.

55:33 Should OP have thought any of this?

55:35 No. Like now I'm starting to think he did know the plan the whole time because why wouldn't he tell you?

55:40 Yeah, it's weird that he didn't tell you.

55:41 Why wouldn't you know he has a girlfriend of two years?

55:43 Who he plans on marrying.

55:45 So he just never wanted to tell you. I need the context of how they broke up. Was it just like, yeah, after four years, we can get married.

55:52 That was it. And then we'll be together. That was it.

55:55 Yeah, it's the joke that you make with your friends that you're like, yeah, when we turn 30, we're just both single and miserable. That's what I said earlier. Yeah, exactly.

56:01 Yeah, but when you're in love at 18, it's like you really think that that's probably going to work out.

56:04 But this is crazy.

56:05 Yeah. And who's to say it couldn't have, but that's... No communication. Yeah, just let that one simmer a little too long. So I lose my mind and start bawling. I then start to berate him for leading me on and telling him how I never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone. I called him an a-hole, and for whatever reason, me calling him an a-hole set him off.

56:27 He then rips into me about being the one who broke up with him. I reminded him he agreed to separate, but he then said I never gave him a choice. He said at first he was hurt beyond words that I had slept with someone else, but by the time I had told him more about my life, he went from being hurt to being disgusted. I asked him why he never said anything to me about it. He said that He didn't feel it was any of his business and that he felt I was kind of cruel to tell him things over the years and that he never once told me anything, which is true even when I tried to drag it out of him. He then tells me that he will always have a special place in his heart for me, but that it is as a friend and that he could never see himself with someone

57:07 like me, which someone like me, what? I call him on his BS here asking him what that means. Basically, he called me a witch without calling me a witch. I guess he was not okay with me having meaningless, casual, spicy times, and I just told him to go F himself. Then I hope he and his stupid girlfriend, who I have since learned is a secretary, have a wonderful F-ing life together, and I slam my laptop down. I am feeling pissed, humiliated, foolish, hurt, and about a million other emotions tonight. This weekend was supposed to be nothing but one big party, but all I've been able to do all night long is lay in my bed and cry.

57:40 And to make matters worse, it's just a dang mattress as all of my other stuff is packed in my car and my brother's car. My brother and his wife have taken turns holding me as I cry to them. F-ing a-hole. God dang, I so badly hate the fact that I didn't go out on dates with people who actually liked me while this guy was at home apparently living in domestic bliss.

58:00 Shut up!

58:02 Yeah, y'all did it to y'all selves. And I think you probably did it more than he did.

58:06 Yeah.

58:06 You cannot blame him 100% for the fact that you were dumb.

58:15 What were your conversations about? Literally, when you're talking at least twice a week to this guy, saying, I'm sleeping with this guy. I'm going doing this stuff. How is your life? And he goes, it's life.

58:26 I don't really want to talk about it.

58:27 I don't really want to talk about that stuff. Yeah. What?

58:29 Yeah, clearly the, I don't know. Yeah. Edit for clarification. Yes, I initiated the breakup. I just knew that I didn't want either of us to miss out on enjoying our youth while trying to keep with one another and would only be together physically very few times over the next four years. In other words, I was just going for an open relationship. And I even called it that when we were talking. This was not just for me. I wanted him to see and meet people as well. And that's what he did. funny enough. This is why I kept asking him about all of his dates, hoping that he would share them with me so we could keep them as light as possible. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with anyone else. Just date and have fun. No,

59:03 this was not all in my head. When we broke up, we went over this. Now, to be fair, he never told me who he was dating at all, so I guess that is my fault for just assuming it was multiple girls and not just one. Also, someone asked me if he cheated on her with me, and that's totally effed up for me to think of it in that context, because I considered him mine to begin with, but I guess that would depend on your context. I sure as heck thought of them as dates, so yes, he is a cheating crab bag as well. Now, he never physically cheated on her, I guess, because we have never done the deed. I just thought he was waiting and that this was special to him.

59:44 You thought he was waiting four years?

59:45 Say that sentence one more time.

59:47 The way that you just said that, it makes it sound like if y'all didn't sleep together, it's not cheating. Because we didn't do the deed. Did you hold hands? Did you kiss?

59:55 That's what I'm wondering. But OP says, okay, well, I think he cheated. He's a cheating scumbag. So I think OP is actually on the thing of like, oh, no, he did cheat. But like we didn't actually hook up. So I don't actually think that they did anything romantic.

1:00:10 And I think OP is delusional. Entirely.

1:00:13 Again, the words from OP in that sentence is I thought.

1:00:16 Yeah, I thought.

1:00:17 I thought.

1:00:18 Yeah, she said, I thought they were dates. So he was cheating. Yeah. Because my perspective is the only one.

1:00:22 I thought we were going to get married. So actually he asked to divorce his soon to be wife.

1:00:26 This is so funny.

1:00:28 This is insane.

1:00:28 We're getting the POV from the villain. Uh-huh.

1:00:33 For real. I'm still pissed today, but not nearly as much as I am hurt. I can't believe this has happened. Thanks for those of you who have called me a horrible person. That was really helpful. And there is an update 10 days later. Okay, after the thorough trashing I took in my first thread, I thought I would update you for your entertainment if nothing else. I've got nothing else in my life at the moment. So, I'm all moved into my new apartment, I got the new job, and still haven't been able to reconnect with old friends because most have moved on or have yet to return home for the summer. It's a holiday weekend and I have plans with my family. My brother and sister-in-law have been absolute rocks for me and have spent a lot

1:01:09 of free time trying to keep my spirits up. Friday night, we decided to go to the movies for the late show, but figured we would catch dinner first. You may already have guessed who was sitting in the restaurant. We were already sitting before I spot them, and they had already spotted us. Curious as to what she looks like. I've never seen her before this, but I don't want to be too obvious and look at her. So, I try and get my brother to do it, but he refuses.

1:01:32 Don't have your brother do it.

1:01:34 Also, what does that help you?

1:01:35 Is he going to, like, crime sketch artist-y, like, Yeah, he's like, all right, so she had a thin nose and blonde hair and small almond-shaped eyes.

1:01:46 Nope, he's like.

1:01:49 Anyway, it did not matter because they were getting ready to leave, so on their way by, he drops by to say hello to me as his girlfriend has gone to the bathroom. Awkwardness ensues as we try to have a BS conversation like nothing has changed. Then I see her walking up behind him and she puts her hand on his shoulder, which just makes me burn. But I don't say or act any differently. He starts to introduce her when she blurts out my sister-in-law's name. And then they both embrace. And I'm sitting there saying to myself, what the F is going on here?

1:02:18 They know each other.

1:02:19 Turns out the new girlfriend is my sister-in-law's cousin. Oh, my God. That's a rough one.

1:02:25 And your sister-in-law didn't know? So the sister-in-law that's been helping you emotionally didn't know?

1:02:31 Wow, this town is really, really small.

1:02:33 Some people got a lot of cousins, man. I don't know what's going on with all my cousins. That's true. As if things couldn't get worse, I choke out a nice to meet you when she's introduced to me. And yes, I could tell she was being fake nice and playing off that she obviously knew about me because she kept touching him. They left and I excused myself to go to the bathroom. where I proceeded to cry for about five minutes. My sister-in-law came in and was very apologetic, saying she had no idea and that she was sorry.

1:02:56 I told her it wasn't her fault, but it was pretty obvious I was in no shape to go to the movies. I told them to go without me and that I was going home. They only agreed to go if they could stop over after the movie to check up on me. The next day... I had enough. I don't care what people think. I know good and well we agreed to this together. And if my life was going to be bad, then I want to know the real reason this happened. So, Saturday I went to his house and confronted him. She was not there, thankfully. But even if she was, I was still going to do it.

1:03:23 I started off super pissed, but by the time he answered the door, I was just really more of an emotional wreck. He didn't want me to come in, so we used his enclosed porch to talk. I just flat out asked him the wins and the whys and the what point in time he decided that I wasn't good enough for him and why he never told me he had a long-term girlfriend. His answers were pretty vague, and I just did not want to lose him. And out of everything I've done, this is the thing I am the most embarrassed by. I started crying and begging him. Man, I really hate myself for doing that. I truly do.

1:03:57 I mean, I made an absolute fool of myself. He was nice about the whole thing, but never once wavered off of his commitment to her. I just apologized as best as I could. I guess I needed to hear this next part from him, but it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced. I just went ahead and asked him if me being with the other guys was the problem.

1:04:16 I read what you all said, and while I didn't think it was true, I felt I needed to hear it from him. So, basically, I threw away the man of my dreams for a string of one-night stands and a couple of friends with benefits, none of which meant anything to me, nor will they for the rest of my life. Now, the, uh... Oh, my gosh. You suck.

1:04:34 You're a bad person. You're not good.

1:04:37 You're a bad person.

1:04:38 Now, the Queen of Virginia gets the man who I have honestly loved for four years, and it is now truly over for me.

1:04:46 You are a bad person.

1:04:47 Did you think he was like, this was it? This was like your plan B, plan C of like, if this happens, if I confront him, it'll change.

1:04:55 Yeah.

1:04:56 Wow.

1:04:57 Sadly for me, he really does love her and is devoted to her, which makes me hate her that much more. But the truth is, I hate myself even more because I'm the one who threw this away.

1:05:07 Okay, you got it. You got there.

1:05:09 Okay, pity party. Let me throw some cold water on you. Even if you guys did get together, there's no guarantee that it's going to work out after four years.

1:05:20 Or even if you hadn't hooked up with anyone, he probably still would have met this girl and fell in love because you were gone for four years.

1:05:30 And it's on both of you. It's on him for not saying that when it happened.

1:05:35 Yeah, not saying, I have a girlfriend that I want to marry. Sorry.

1:05:39 And it's on you for, I guess, literally never actually checking in on what you saw as the plan for the rest of your life with this guy. You never really asked anything about it for four years.

1:05:55 I desperately need to know what she thinks... those dates were like what she thinks happens on the day on or happened on those dates.

1:06:02 Okay. There's an edit. Yes. Several times over the years, we talked about our plans together after college. No, not once did he ever tell me that our plans were no longer our plans as a couple. I made it home for all of the summers and most of the holidays, but there were some holidays that we did not meet up because our schedules didn't match, as he left town to go to his family's holidays. Yes, I now freely admit to being a silly little goose. In retrospect, we never really specifically said, hey, do you remember the whole plan about getting back together, right? So, and that's the end of that, right? You're not going to try to justify.

1:06:34 I like that she started the sentence by saying, yes, we talked about our plans after college many times. No, we never said we were going to have a relationship. He told me about the job that he was going to be working.

1:06:46 Right. Right.

1:06:47 He told me that he was planning to move into a house. Well, he didn't tell you that actually either.

1:06:52 Oh, we can't use. But there were tons and I mean tons of I can't wait to get home to be with you statements.

1:06:59 When?

1:06:59 Did those stop?

1:07:01 But like, that doesn't mean anything.

1:07:03 Yeah, one, that doesn't mean anything. But also, when did that stop? Because was he saying like, oh, I can't wait to... Was he saying, can't wait to be with you or can't wait to see you? Two different things.

1:07:12 Well, let's just keep going. Not even two months ago, I was telling him about my job offer at a local company and said how happy that made me so I could be with him. I even said, start our life together. And he never said a word contrary to it. If you.

1:07:28 explicitly said, can't wait to move back and be with you and start our life together. And he said nothing. I mean, we already said he was the a-hole, but that's pretty a-hole. I still am going to charge you for crimes of silly goose, but he's up there too. He's on trial too.

1:07:54 It's like, again, you broke up with this guy and- You know, it's you're 18. And I remember when I was younger and it's like a breakup happens and it's like, yeah, but maybe like maybe we'll get back together, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like a thing you say sometimes. It's not like a and now I'm building my five year plan based on this idea. I gotta put more blame on you, OP. I don't care if he wasn't exactly clear.

1:08:22 It should have been, it should have been clear. He is now claiming that every time I said something like this to him, he thought I meant it as a friend. So while in my mind, it's out of the question that he could not have known what I was talking about, he does not see it that way. While right now I'm very hurt and have hard feelings towards him, I will not call him a liar because he has never lied that I know of. Now, why he never once told me he had a long-term relationship is beyond me.

1:08:47 That would have been a nice piece of information to have two years ago when they started being an item. And there is a final comment from OP. There's a quote. OP's quoting another commenter. Hopefully you'll be able to be friends with him as he actually sounds pretty respectful and nice. especially to someone who hurt him unintentionally. I would like to try that someday, but honestly, right now, I just can't.

1:09:05 Not his fault at all, and you are correct. He has been nothing but respectful and nice about all of this, but I have to have some distance for a little bit, because if I see him, I know no matter how hard I try, I'm going to start crying and making a fool of myself again. I don't know what's worse, the fact that knowing I won't ever be with him, or the fact that in my clueless state I did hurt him. I sometimes feel like I'm watching a movie of my life instead of living it, and right now it's a combination horror and tragic comedy. I guess I'm going through a lot of stages of grieving here, as my first was anger, but now I'm down to sadness and guilt. Well, it's all part of the process.

1:09:40 You cannot be friends with this guy until you stop seeing his girlfriend, soon to be fiancée. As the enemy.

1:09:48 Well, I read some comments about this post too. One of the top comments from the original post was, well, if they do get married, you'll be somewhat family.

1:09:58 True, cousin.

1:09:59 Cousin's cousin. Sister-in-law's cousin.

1:10:03 You'll be in there somehow.

1:10:04 And a couple other comments is, on this post here is what is the, what in the emotional unintelligence in this post?

1:10:12 Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep.

1:10:13 Accurate.

1:10:14 Yeah.

1:10:15 I don't know, man. I think it's very possible that, uh, you know, that what that happened was you'd be like, well, we can do this and then we can get that together after four years. And his response wasn't, yeah, let's do that. It was like, I mean, I mean, okay, I guess. And you went and that's it. It's done.

1:10:33 Never talking about it. explicitly again. Just gonna tell him how much I like him.

1:10:38 Maybe when she was talking to him, she was like, oh, I can't wait for our lives to start, you know, after we graduate college. He's like, yeah, no, me too. I just don't believe her. But that's the end of that one.

1:10:49 We had summers together, dude. Yeah. If you guys really felt that way, y'all would have been hooking up in the summer.

1:10:55 And that's the end of this story.